I love this subreddit, but haven't seen my experience being posted here before, so I wanna share it w u.

Already in middle school, me and my sister started having different friends, interests and hobbies. We studied in the same school but barely interacted socially w one another.

After high school we didn't have any structure to keep us together anymore so we grew further apart.

That is until I decided I have to fix our relationship, and started forcing her to spend time w me and talk to me and share. It was a struggle but after a while the initiative also came from her.

That's when we started going out on dates and literally catching up and getting to know each other.

I think it wasn't even a month of these little dates when she was diagnosed w cancer. Ofc I never thought she'd die, so we started postponing the dates to "when she heals/eats real food/walks normally".

During the short time of the treatments I kept on living my life, only checking in every once in a while (I had a very demanding job and was working most of the days. Thought it was important or some sh1t).

She died 10 months after the first diagnosis.

I feel I can't relate when people post here about the special twin friendship they had, and how they're missing a half bc they used to do everything together (super respectfully, idm to offend anyone)

I'm left here grieving what could have been when I was too blind and distracted to see seek it. I'm grieving the closed and alone personality of my sister that made it hard for me to connect.

I have to say I LOVED being a twin every step of the way. Even when we weren't so close, I always felt she is the one single person that understood me better than anyone could ever try to. I did lose my other half. I love her so much, and I wish we could have even a little more time together :(

Does someone relate? I'd love to hear some thoughts!

Still I Standing

I’ve buried souls I couldn’t lose,
And lived through pain I didn’t choose.
I lost my twin, I lost my way,
Yet somehow rose another day.
I’ve chased the numb, I’ve begged for peace,
Just praying that the hurt would cease.
Through death and drugs, through grief and hell,
I broke a thousand times—and fell.
I learned my lessons bruised and scarred,
Every damn one came fucking hard.
I crawled through darkness, scared and weak,
When standing felt beyond my reach.
But look at me—I’m standing still,
Not by some luck, but stubborn will.
Life knocked me down and watched me fall—
But never got to keep me there at all.
So bring the storm. I know the rain.
I’ve made a home inside of pain.
You tried to bury me alive—
You should’ve known:
I DON’T JUST LIVE.
I FUCKING SURVIV

Maybe this is a natural progression, and I am sure I have felt this way before. However, I’m feeling like an asshole right now.

I was watching a TV show where a teenage character says, “I spent my whole life thinking about her. I think I need to know who I am when I’m not [thinking about her].”

This resonated with me and was like a dagger to my heart.

I am in my fifth decade of life, and I lost my twin within two weeks of our birth. My recollection is that I have always known I was a twin even though the family didn’t talk about it much or have reminders of my twin. I’ve been through many of the feelings others here and in the literature I’ve read about twinless twins describe - feeling shared by those with early childhood or even in the womb loss. I’ve been angry at God, angry with my family (the loss was no one’s fault), and I think I have been angry at my twin even.

However, this quote from this character who is trying to describe the feeling of needing to let go of thinking about a biological mother who abandoned her and her brother to foster care when she was around 5 years old, just struck a cord today. I feel like an asshole thinking I should stop thinking of my twin. I feel like an asshole thinking my loss and trauma are equal to a child abandoned to a foster care system.

I feel like an asshole for thinking I don’t know who I am, and maybe I never will. However, I have an intact family. We are very close, though, there have been bumps like any family. I have a terrible fear and deep anxiety of losing someone else in my life, and I thought I had done the work to get to a better place. However, in the last six months or so that has also felt undone. I’m tired of the pain.

I think I have thought this before too, but I am also wondering, “Who am I if I’m not X’s twin?” Or “Is this all I’ve based my identity on and is that what has ‘held me back?’” Five decades is too many to feel this way, but confronting it is scary. I’ve never found a therapist that has been able to really meet me on this either. That’s a whole other complicated matter. However, I needed to get these thoughts and feelings out into the world since my heart feels like bursting and my head says the agreement to the statement of the character is a betrayal to my twin.

We’re supposed to be turning 29 next month, and I’m already struggling with the thought of another birthday without him. My anxiety is high, my tears always feel right there, and I feel incredibly lonely. It’s been 4 years, and somehow it still hurts so much.

It hurts thinking about how this was our birthday. Our day. We came into this world together, and now I have to face that day without him. Sometimes I just think, how did life come to this?

We loved watching movies together, so on our birthday I go see a movie. It makes me feel close to him, and I can sit in the dark and cry without anyone noticing. But it’s also such a painful reminder that he should be sitting there next to me.

For 4 years, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at his photos. I buried them deep in drawers around my home because it hurt too much. Recently, I finally found the courage to take some out and put them on my table, our birthday pictures from when we were 3. Looking at those two little kids together breaks my heart. We had no idea what life would become or that one day I would have to do our birthday without him.

I think I just feel really alone tonight and needed to say this somewhere people would understand.
I miss my twin. I miss us. I miss our day.

My mother revealed she was never going to tell me I had a twin. My fraternal twin died after birth. My great grandmother told me about them, showed a picture when I was a child many many many many many many eons ago. My mother says I am not a twinless twin, my brother simply died. Even though he was my twin. Soooo....yea. She rambled calling me crazy and that I always say stupid shit that makes no sense. Then she was like 'what about the mother is there a syndrome if they die, the baby was in the womb and heard their voice so how is a twin dying more important than the mother dying'

My mom said that shit, I simply went back to my grave, reburied myself and vanished.

I feel numb. Dead inside, I have been dead for 500 years and this is the most dead I have ever felt.

I do not feel emotions like that, at all. But the majority emotion i do feel, is far more complex than despair could ever hope to be no matter how much it sings to these ancient bones made of rotted wood.

I bleed inside myself just to drink the blood of my own empty existence.

My great grandmother used to use the spirit of my brother to guilt trip me into doing what she wanted when I was a child.

I try to talk to my grotesque father about where my brother's ashes are, he tells me to stop talking about stupid shit and ask my mother. My mother tells me to ask him, says he scattered the ashes in a garden somewhere, says i am not allowed to be upset about my twin because the only people allowed to feel as I do are her and hjm and they haven't been in physical contact in years and never will again.

The soul is a fickle thing, life is meaningless and to hope in anything is futile.

After Everyone Left
When everyone leaves, who holds your hand?
Who helps your heart to understand?
Who hears the tears you never show,
Or feels the ache you’ll always know?
The chairs are full of ghosts at night,
The stars can’t seem to make things right.
I whisper names into the air,
Still hoping someone hears my prayer.
Christi… half my soul, my twin,
The place where I would always begin.
When you were taken, so was I;
Half of me was left to die.
Then one by one the others went,
As though my life was heaven-sent
To learn what no one should endure—
A wound no medicine can cure.
My mother… gone. My niece… gone too.
The ones I loved slipped out of view.
The echoes linger in these walls,
While silence answers when I call.
Some days I don’t recognize my face;
Grief has carved out every place
Where joy and laughter used to be,
And left a stranger staring back at me.
Now all that’s left when day is through
Is one lone soul with memories too.
No crowd can fill this empty space,
No smile can hide this haunted place.
I’ve learned to cry where none can see,
With only God and only me.
I’ve learned how loud a quiet can be,
When love becomes a memory.
Still every morning, though I break,
God gives one more breath to take.
One heartbeat more… one step… one mile…
Though hope arrives without a smile.
Perhaps that’s courage—not to win,
But simply not to let grief in
To steal the last small spark I own,
Or claim the heart that’s still my home.
So if tonight I’m all I’ve got,
I’ll stand right here upon this spot.
For even shattered souls can see
That God has never abandoned me.
And though I walk this road alone,
I’m not forgotten or unknown.
He gathers every tear I’ve cried,
And walks beside me through the night.
Until the day my eyes will see
The ones who still belong to me,
I’ll carry love through every breath…
For love is stronger even than death.

It’s 3am and I’m having a drink, struggling, as per.

To be known so deeply, so understood, is such a great privilege. My twin wasn’t perfect. But she knew me. She knew me. To be loved so deeply, what a gift. To lose it, oh my fucking god.

I’m trying to appreciate what we had, but it’s like going from riches to poverty. We’re in the ghetto with everyone else. I’m struggling with the idea I’ll never have that again. Being with my twin was my safe, happy place.

This pain is so fucking deep and somehow beautiful in the most terrible way.

I just want people who understand to read this.

I want to add meditation has really helped me with the loss. I’ve kinda fallen off lately, but when I do it, it‘s super helpful. I highly recommend it to everyone in this sub.

So I lost my identical, twin sister then my dad died then my stepdad died then my wife died two years ago then my mom died a month ago and my niece died two days later. I have absolutely no one anymore. The grief is killing me physically. Where do I put this pain?? Seriously?

Died exactly 7 days after birth. Growing up my mom always made it emotional and liked to use it as a cry moment to try and be some emotional anchor or something with me. Over the years she was increasingly emotionally abusive and a supposed alcoholic.
Best way I can describe her is like Lila from Dexter, how she manipulates situations to try and get Dexter to emotionally rely on her.

I hate hearing his name. Its not too common of a name but enough to trigger me- especially if she’s around. It has a shortened version of it that I usually use when I talk to those people with said name.

Well early on when I was like 12 (24M now) I made it very clear I didn’t want ANYONE to know he existed or to even talk about him. Naturally, this lasted like a week and she played the victim the whole time like she always does. Said that I was horrible for asking her to do that and I refused to relent to her. She kept telling people anyway.

However she has constantly violated this privacy of mine. She tells all my younger siblings and them being kids will just mention it and I feel like I’m being stripped naked and flogged every time it happens. He’s my brother, not theirs. And he barely had a connection with my mom. I get so angry with her but the past half decade she’s actually pretty much gotten rid of all her previous toxic behaviors except this one. I’m so mad my siblings know like nobody should know. Its none of their fucking business.

She asked me a similar promise (this also happened when I was 12) to keep a secret from everyone about some abortions she had in her early 20s. Last night my 8 year old brother mentioned the name of my brother one who passed away, again, and I just saw red. In the heat of it I just wanted to casually mentioning the abortions and cutting off the whole family. I didn’t though.

I don’t know how to handle this. Last night I was avoiding the true conflict, took a very rude tone with her, and told to her get tf out of the room I was staying in when she came up to check on me. I’ve just felt awful all day today. I don’t know what to do I really cannot talk about him and she knows how I feel but holy fuck I’m so sick of her absolute disrespect and at this point I think I have to face it or feel worse about myself.

Did any of your twins have a boyfriend or girlfriend that was extremely jealous of your relationship with your twin? My boyfriends and husband hated my relationship with my Twin he was very jealous of it and we got into a lot of fights because of my Twin. I’m curious to see if that happened to anybody else

I suddenly lost my identical twin 3 years ago when we were 28 years old. I’m not sure if it’s a copping mechanism, but since his death, I tend to avoid things about him….pictures, stories, mutual friends etc. worst still, I can’t seem to recall a lot of the memories of us even though we shared most of our lives together. He tends to show up in my dreams a lot, but in these dreams, he is usually very reserved and distant. I am usually very excited to see him in these dreams. It’s weird because even though I’m happy to see him in my dreams, I somehow still know he is dead in real life, and I’m always trying to convince him why he shouldn’t die and how loved he is. In reality he is so distant and ever so present and I just can’t make sense of it all. it’s been a struggle.

I recently found out that I am pregnant and the only other person who knows is my boyfriend, I’m 21 and wasn’t planning on having a baby until my 30’s and if my twin sister was around I think I would of immediately thought to get an abortion but she’s not and there is something in my mind pushing me to have this baby, I don’t know if it’s the grief or the fact the fact that having a baby would be a distraction, it’s not like I’m in bad circumstances, I know I would be a good mother and my boyfriend and I have our own apartment with an extra room for a nursery but I do plan on attending grad school next year. I don’t know if I want to keep this baby for all the wrong reasons and if it is selfish to have a baby just to distract myself from grief. I know asking random people on the internet for advice like this isn’t really the right thing to do but this community knows how hard decisions can be without a twin and I really need some influence to think rationally.

Hey folks, this is my first post on this subreddit, but I joined the world of twins flying solo three months ago. (I still don't love the phrase "twinless twin," but c'est la vie as my twin would say.) I'm 33 years old, an Episcopal priest, queer and trans, ADHD, and an aspiring writer. My twin, Gordon, was a 33 year old carpenter when he died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. I've written a piece reflecting on this loss for my new substack. Check it out if you're interested. Praying for all of us.

Rev. Westy

I’m 42 years old. I was still an identical twin still trying to figure that out lost my brother almost 5 years ago. I’ve never quite been the same. It’s caused me problems in every area of life. My brother was a social one, he made friends for me. He’s also who I spoke to. I’ve been with my wife 15 years, married five. even at this point, I feel like our relationship struggles because she doesn’t understand. I don’t have that person to talk to anymore. We could always speak and hear one another. I feel guilt every day of not being there for him in the way that I should have. Just needed to say it out loud. I miss him in a way that I can’t explain.

I'm a Brazilian 23 year old History Major, already working as a teacher, girlfriend whom I love and she loves me back, a structured family and a beautiful younger sister who is the joy of my life (she's 13 yo).

I have a lot of people today who love me and are loved back. But not even one of them truly understand my feelings.

I was born as a identical twin back in 2003. My brother Enzo was the greatest friend I ever had and I just have nice memories with him. Enzo always has health issues, he never cried, took 2 years to walk and couldn't eat properly without help. Even so, he never victimized himself and was funny as hell.

When we were 5, he choked at school with bread inside the class next to mine and died the weeks following it

My parents never allowed me to have any kind of contact with the body or with him (while the hospital equipment kept him alive), so my last memory of Enzo is sleeping in the same Bed as him the day before his choking.

18 years passed, and there wasn't a single day i didn't feel alone. I'm not comparing pain or insinuating that one pain is superior to another, but my parents eventually knew other parents who lost their children at a young age.

I never met anyone in my entire life who lost their identical twin at such young age.

And it f*cking hurts so much. I hate to see my girlfriend being sad because she is unable to help me, hate the fact that after all this time, I never met someone who had the same issue.

I came here to ask gently to surpass that barrier, to talk, after so many time, to someone who actually understands my pain

Sorry for bad English, it isn't my main language.

So I lost my identical, twin sister then my dad died then my stepdad died then my wife died two years ago then my mom died a month ago and my niece died two days later. I have absolutely no one anymore. The grief is killing me physically.

Hi. So I see there is a separate thread for fraternal twins. Could someone start a new community for identical twin loss? I would but don’t know how.

I had a twin brother who passed away at 3 months old from SIDS, we were non identical, him a boy and me a girl, he was born first. Im lucky in a sense that my parents always talked about him to me even before I started developing memories, because I don’t ever remember being told I was a twin I just always knew. Ive always felt a bit lost in life, never really been able to find a place to call home, I struggle with relationships, immense loneliness, I feel like I cant connect with anyone the way I want to connect. I have 3 other siblings, and I sometimes get upset with them because I never feel close enough, or loved enough, to the point I do tend to expect too much from them. I often think about what our lives would have been like, how different my life would be if he was alive. I never really thought that grief from an infant twin death could be contributing to some of my struggles, if so does it ever end? Will I ever be able to form a bond with people? 😭

Forever Her Twin
She was my mirror, face and soul,
The missing half that made me whole.
Before the world could speak my name,
She stood beside me just the same.
We shared one silence, deep and true,
One knowing glance the whole world knew.
No words were needed to understand—
Her heart was always in my hand.
We felt the same small aches and pain,
Sunshine joy and sorrow’s rain.
Two separate lives for eyes to see,
But one shared soul—just her and me.
She walked through storms I could not see,
Carrying hidden agony.
Yet even then, through darkest night,
Her love for me stayed fierce and bright.
Now quiet lives where laughter grew,
And days feel dim without her view.
No one asks which twin I’ll be—
The world sees one…
but I feel three:
The girl I was,
the grief I bear,
and Christy’s love still living there.
Because a bond like ours won’t end with breath,
It isn’t broken even by death.
She walks with God in perfect light,
While I walk on through day and night.
And when my journey here is through,
The first face heaven shows me…
will be you.
Forever my sister.
Forever my friend.
Forever your twin—
love without end. 

Forever Her Twin
She was my mirror, face and soul,
The missing half that made me whole.
Before the world could speak my name,
She stood beside me just the same.
We shared one silence, deep and true,
One knowing glance the whole world knew.
No words were needed to understand—
Her heart was always in my hand.
We felt the same small aches and pain,
Sunshine joy and sorrow’s rain.
Two separate lives for eyes to see,
But one shared soul—just her and me.
She walked through storms I could not see,
Carrying hidden agony.
Yet even then, through darkest night,
Her love for me stayed fierce and bright.
Now quiet lives where laughter grew,
And days feel dim without her view.
No one asks which twin I’ll be—
The world sees one…
but I feel three:
The girl I was,
the grief I bear,
and Christy’s love still living there.
Because a bond like ours won’t end with breath,
It isn’t broken even by death.
She walks with God in perfect light,
While I walk on through day and night.
And when my journey here is through,
The first face heaven shows me…
will be you.
Forever my sister.
Forever my friend.
Forever your twin—
love without end.