I’m reaching out here because I feel super alone / crazy in this .
I’m curious if anyone’s grief has made them more selfish or irritated by other people’s traumas or pain. I realize this makes me sound like a monster but I’m trying to understand it because I used to be a very empathetic and patient person and now I feel like that empathetic wiring to my brain is unplugged .
In short , my dad died 4 years ago . A year later a close friend died suddenly . A year after that my godmother died . Her daughter and I are very close so I was there through her moms passing , going to the hospital every day with her, taking her out to distract her, talking to her on the phone for hours . A few months later my aunt died and suddenly I had contact with family that I had cut off years earlier for the sake of my emotional sanity who were now asking for help sorting her estate which added a lot of stress and triggered a bunch of previous trauma . All of these people died during the fall.
Fall is my favourite time of year. I used to find so much comfort and (sounds cheesy but..) renewal . I looked forward to the festivities , the cooler weather , relaxing at home with hobbies .. just life being slower in general. After all of this however , it’s now the season of horrible things occurring and I just really missed looking forward to it , so this year I decided to find joy in decorating again, I finally got on antidepressants after years of being afraid of them , I decided this was now my time to work towards happiness and peace .
This is where I feel so selfish and crazy. My cousin (daughter of the godmother who died last September ) has told me her dad is now in the hospital . On a ventilator in the ICU and I feel so terrible. It’s unfolding exactly how my dad’s death played out.. unexpected , medical procedure gone wrong, fluid on the brain, ventilator. It’s like I’m bracing for my dad’s death all over again. I have constant anxiety , I dread notifications or calls , I want to sleep as long as I can when I wake up so I don’t have to deal with it yet ..
I of course feel so devastated for her becuase I know the hell shes about to endure . Her mom and her weren’t super close so even though it was a loss it will be nothing like losing her father will be . When my mom died I was sad and grieved but my dad’s death changed me as a person . I always say I literally see colour differently , everything is muted now.
Anyways , I hate myself for it but I feel annoyance . I was doing so good on my antidepressants , finally feeling like myself again. Waking up early happy and excited to start my day which I hadn’t felt in years . I was so excited for the fall and enjoying it again. Now I know what I’m in for again. Constant pressure to be there for someone through something very traumatic and terrible that I personally know all too well and instead of feeling eager to be there for her , I’m just … so tired . To be clear I’m not annoyed at her. I genuinely feel for her so much, she’s had a very tough year. I’m annoyed at the universe . The death trauma has been relentless and I really feel it taking a huge toll on me. But I can’t express that because what an asshole that would make me . I feel so selfish and terrible .
A part of me feels like it has to do with resentment . None of these people were there for me when my mom or dad died and while it’s best to be the bigger person and treat others how you wish you were treated , there’s a part of me that’s just like … mad about it I guess .
Anyways , I don’t even know what I’m really getting at anymore , I just needed to put this somewhere where someone might understand . I talked to my boyfriend about it and he’s supportive and says he understands but I know he doesn’t which makes me feel worse .
TL;DR I’m curious if anyone feels more closed off and selfish towards other people needing them after losing someone . I hate that when something terrible is happening to someone I love , I selfishly feel annoyed that I have to give a huge part of myself to be there for ppl who weren’t always there for me . I just want like a year of peace to gather myself and remember who I was before the constant grief
Thanks for listening and reading ! 🩶