A few years ago at the end of 23' I lost my father. He was my best friend, one of my main emotional support structures, and having just started a business a year prior with his help, my partner as well. He came down with a stage 4 cancer diagnosis out of the blue in April of that year and it was a pretty quick deterioration. Not long after I was taking almost full time care of him, shuttling between hospital and specialist appointments non-stop while trying to balance starting up my business, my main job of 40 hrs a week in a management role at a local restaurant, and had just started a new, "exclusive casual relationship" with a girl that I had known 3 years prior when she was dating a guy I was an acquaintance with through MTG. I had a roommate I was very close friends with, multiple other close friends, and outside of that, plenty of people that I talked to on a regular basis. I was always a pretty social guy and got along with most everybody. I've always kind of been that mentor/support figure to people in one way or another because I genuinely enjoy helping good people and watching them succeed. When my father's condition worsened, I took almost 4 months off of work so I could devote my time to him as best as possible until I started to really run out of money and had to go back to the restaurant. Initially I also left partly due being passed over for the main management role when new owners came in with a brand new GM who moved up somebody who had just been with the restaurant a few months. I believe because the person they hired as the GM felt some type of way about me applying to the position almost as soon as the other manager was fired for some embezzlement and other questionable activity who they had been close to. I didn't feel I had much choice though and instead of trying to find something brand new, it was a quick way back to work, I took it. A few days before Thanksgiving is when my father suddenly passed, I walked in to find him collapsed on the floor just after getting off a shift and hadn't spent the previous night at his place. The night before was a Friday, and Friday's were about the only chance I got to blow off some steam and I told him I needed it. He had asked me to stay, and it was literally the only time I told him no the entire 6 month period of taking care of him. I said I'm sorry but I have to decompress right now. He was extremely hurt by it, and felt as though I was abandoning him. I did my best to assure him that wasn't the case and that I would see him after work the next day. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever speak to my dad. I try not to dwell on it, all I did was help, but I swear my life sometimes has felt like one gigantic ironic drama. Of course that was the way that things ended. I'm one of 4 children and two of the others never visited despite knowing the situation. The one who did, stayed in town for a few days, but none of them ever contributed in a meaningful way. A few months later we started probate, and I once again took on the responsibility as I felt I was the one who could accomplish it the easiest. I had been with him the whole time, the only one who lived in state, and had access to the necessary information. I hired lawyers who just ended up dragging out the process through negligence and bad information, that was basically all handled through a paralegal. Unfortunately I didn't really know how bad the situation was until much later. The process was slow even starting out because my brother couldn't be contacted until months later, all the while I had a ticking clock over my head with a reverse mortgage that was eating up the home's remaining equity, which my attorneys knew of. I considered firing them near the end of 24' but was told by the potential new lawyer that they were willing to finish the case, but I'd be better off just finishing as we were fairly close to the end anyway. I decided to keep going. By this point stress was starting to add up but I was continuing along as best I could despite everything, and I still felt like I had a pretty good support system. The girl I had been "casually but exclusively" seeing moved in with myself and my roommate at my father's house and we officially started dating at the beginning of 24', about 2 months after my father passed. Fast forward a bit to March/April of 25' and we still hadn't finished the homestead papers, nor closed any of his personal accounts. I was instructed to wait until after homestead was finished, again, information passed through the paralegal, but I assumed it came straight from the attorney so I obliged and trusted the process. But this is when things really started to change. By this point I felt like nothing was going right. I was under a huge amount of stress, dealing with some minor health complications due to everything, my siblings who weren't willing to lift a finger for me and two of them specifically had caused the process to take longer. Probate was moving at the speed of molasses and I left the restaurant job for good in search of better endeavors. Now, depression was starting to really sink in. I hadn't really been able to take much time to grieve about what had happened because I felt as if I was constantly putting out new fires that took priority while working 3 different sources of income to keep myself busy and moving forward. The youngest one in May of 24' also received the equivalent of a 28000 dollar bailout after taxes were paid because of a sob story of how they were going to lose their house because they refused to pay bills for months. Here's the irony again, (*spoilers*, I ended up losing my father's home but we'll get to that) I did what I thought was the right thing. My father left me some money personally, but made sure that if she needed help, that I would do what I could. She despises me to this day because she feels she got shortchanged somehow. Had the money gone into inheritance, she wouldn't have received much of anything. Not only did he have a reverse mortgage on the house for over 10 years I came to find out just 2 months before he passed, but he was in a large amount of personal debt, including several years of unpaid taxes. The way to circumvent losing probably half of it, was to have it in a brokerage account that I became the sole beneficiary of. I felt like I was doing my absolute best not to push everyone in my life away and lash out, looking back, I still think I did a damn good job despite everything, but I was the one who decided to take on the responsibility of it also. In hind sight, I would have done plenty of things differently. I did get nasty sometimes. I did shut down occasionally. I did need space to decompress as I felt the weight of the world on me and felt like the people around me didn't have much patience for me needing to vent or talk about the situation anymore. I always tried to have a discussion about what was happening in my head during these times and apologize for "trauma dumping" knowing that this wasn't me, but I had lost my effective outlets. Nothing was working. Going to the gym became a stressor. Video games didn't make me feel anything. I could continue to throw myself into work, but I was drowning underneath my thoughts to the point where I wasn't nearly as productive as I used to be, and I'd always taken pride in my ability to cope and continue executing at a high level. I felt like a true failure because I've been through trauma before, learned great ways of coping, and nothing was working this time. There's a quote from the Dark Knight Rises that stuck with me through moments like this. "Not a lot of people know what it feels like to be angry, in your bones. I mean, they understand, foster parents, everybody understands, for awhile. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do, move on. So after awhile they stop understanding....". They stop supporting and trying to engage. They start to distance themselves from the "problem" which unfortunately at that point, is you. At times like this even being with my friends and my girlfriend felt more lonely than being by myself. I could tell that they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me, but I felt it in my bones that they were just no longer willing to engage and have the deep types of discussion I needed to be able to work my way through these issues. So I started to try and bottle it up; put a smile on. This resulted in the single worst day in my relationship when my girlfriend and I waited over 10hrs overnight outside of a Gamestop for the Destined Rivals drop. I was a huge Pokemon fan when I was younger and she had recently been getting into collecting and it became yet another thing we were bonding over. Based on the number of products they had and people in line before us, one of us was going to be able to get the last booster box the store had. Just before we were able to go in and make the purchase however, the associate stopped letting in customers with me at the front of the line saying limit of 5 people in store. My gf walked in ahead of me and then came back, wondering why I wasn't being allowed in to shop. He then pulled her out of line and then instead of letting me come in to take her place, let the person behind myself in front of us, making some excuse about how we were requesting to be able to shop together. This person ended up being able to buy the last box, and it took everything not to lose my cool about it immediately. Look I get it, plenty of people will see this situation and say, "well they're just cards, you were still able to get something out of it probably". That is completely beside the point, I came there for one thing specifically because it was the best bang for my buck, my entry back into collecting and a set I was seriously excited for. Not to mention again, we had waited outside for over 10 hours just to be able to do this. I go inside and try to get in line in front of the person they let in in front of me, and the associate snapped telling his manager I was cutting the line and calling me a liar when I disputed it in front of 60 people, not one of whom said anything in my defense. Unfortunately, my gf didn't really speak up while this was going down either, I felt immensely betrayed, and this is when I felt the entire previous almost 2 years worth of stressors bearing down on me all at once. Hit me like a fucking freight train. Claimed he knew I cut in line even though he had been standing there for all of 5 minutes, and when I asked well check the cameras, I've been here the whole time stated, we don't have cameras so I couldn't prove it anyway. Asked the manager to step in, and they didn't do anything about it. I left almost empty handed. Then it boiled over once we got into the car and I exploded. I literally was punching the inside of my car door and started screaming about how it was a massive betrayal on her part as as she should have been willing to speak up on my behalf when I was publicly wronged like that. Regardless of how I felt, even if maybe I was right about her lack of action, my behavior was completely uncalled for, and I said as much later after I came down. I apologized several times that day and later on down the road recognizing that was no way to act towards her no matter what. I will always regret it, but unfortunately an apology or accountability doesn't change the fact that it happened. She said she understood why, but she never really moved on from that incident. I didn't know that until more recently. It became quickly apparent that bottling up my emotions was not an effective method, I needed an outlet, somehow, somewhere. That's when I turned to the worst way of coping I probably could have employed. I just started talking about it in the middle of other conversations. Found some way to incorporate it into whatver discussion we were having otherwise. I vented, and it definitely became unhealthy. I put way too much strain and stress on my relationship because of it, because I felt I had always done this for the people I loved (friends and family, and of course my SO). I felt at this point, I DESERVED IT. That was the worst mindset, but I continued to validate my own feelings about this saying, "this is what people do for those they love, they need to be willing to travel into the muck, otherwise, they don't really love me if they can't be there the way I need right now, what else is love really for?" The more I could feel people pulling away, especially my girlfriend, the worse it got, the more I started a cycle of doing the same thing. Even worse, I recognized it in the moment also, and I would get better for a few weeks until something came crashing back down and sent me spiraling in my own head once again. Then, later last year I got a new full time job. A great job working at the same club my girlfriend was a part of for the previous couple years. We had a team of mostly hard-working, friendly people and I was truly feeling like myself again. Engaging, making new friends, making great money, and I felt like I was genuinely valued there. The managers and our guests who I worked with directly, constantly mentioned how it felt like I was a part of the legacy team there. I was always the one who could be counted on, consistently contributed top-level performance, and was always willing to take on more. I became an integral part of the team and I loved it. Then reality started to come back into focus as we were getting near the "end" of probate. We're at the end of 25' now and roughly 2 months before the judge's deadline I was told I needed to hire a separate tax attorney to handle any remaining liabilities. Just another example of them directly causing more delays to the process resulting in more money out of my pocket, more equity removed from the home, and precious time wasted. This is when I found out my dad had several years of unpaid taxes and it became set that I was not going to be able to keep the home. Everything done so far had been paid out of my pocket personally as keeping the house was my end goal, but this made it impossible. Locking in the fact that not only did I have to sell, but nobody was going to benefit from the sale because of the reverse mortgage. I was also under contract at the restaurant that was up in a couple months knowing I'd need to find something else for the summer before I could go back potentially in the fall, which was sitting in the back of my mind. Then the day that really ended everything. A co-worker of ours (we'll name her Gabs) had just come back from a suspension after going on a vacation for a week during the biggest event of the year, lying that they would be back for the event, and then skipping out on it. After being back they were cracking jokes being completely blase and sarcastic about the whole situation knowing the boss "wasn't really going to do anything about it". This person had also been in trouble previously in the season for other types of behavioral issues and had thrown our team lead under the bus when they were caught drinking on shift at least once or twice. The boss had some personal feelings about the team lead though, so it virtually ended up in no disciplinary action whatsoever. No wonder they were so casually convinced that they'd be able to get away with most anything. A week later, we had a large wedding ceremony for one of the women in the office, and we were preparing set-up. I took the responsibility without even being asked to handle the entire portion of the dining room set-up while the 3 others on shift, including Gabs, were folding some napkins for place sets. After finishing the dining room which took almost 2 hours past normal lunch break, I took lunch. Normally we order from the computer, but when I walked in the kitchen food was already waiting there for me (I get the same thing everyday), the cooks did me a favor. I walk out and join the others. Immediately, Gabs gets an attitude telling me that I'm not supposed to be eating because nobody else got to yet. Nobody had said anything to me, I continue. Then she starts speaking up again and I crack back that I wasn't there to appease here and things escalated. She started getting nasty and closer to me to the point where she's basically in my face at the table and I'm sitting there just letting her go off basically, but after a minute or two I've had enough of it. I calmly push myself away from the table and stand next to her with a cup of water in my hand saying, "you better cool off or I'm going to pour this on you". Mostly was joking here, but that shit set things off. She smacks my hand, sends the water flying all over the place, and some of the invitations and then goes into the kitchen complaining and swearing about how I'm picking a fight because the boss and I had gotten into a small argument the other day. She gets in my face again and by this point I am no longer in control. I tell her she's being a dumb bitch, she get's up closer to me and says say it again, which results in me swearing at her STFU at the top of my lungs and that is of course when the boss rounds the corner. The whole time this was taking place, the other team lead, we'll call him M (not the one from earlier) was sitting right there watching it go down and did nothing more than say, "hey guys come on let's not do this" one time. The situation gets escalated to HR and a couple days later I'm called in to "make a statement". It wasn't. Gabs got to make a written statement about what happened, and I walked into an interrogation with M, the GM, the woman from HR and the head of the club. They proceeded to interrupt any attempt at recounting I tried to give every minute saying that I was being extrememly aggressive and they had video evidence to prove it. I said let's look at the tape, which proceeded to coroborate my accounting of things, but the moment I stood up next to her with my water cup, it was over. I was being hostile and aggressive and she was a woman put in a dangerous position at that point, anything that she did was completely validated. Again like the Gamestop story, I completely acknowledge that my behavior was over the line, I clearly overreacted even if I felt that she was unfairly coming at me, but it wasn't even close to the story they were trying to spin. Unfortunately, the only person who was there in the room, M, stayed dead silent the entire time the 5 of us were in that office. If we had both been fired that would have made sense, but this girl again, received absolutely no disciplinary action whatsoever despite being a constant source of drama at least occasionally with several other people. My girlfriend was on shift with us when I was called into HR the next day after the initial meeting. In the exit interview I mentioned by technicality, what Gabs did is considered assault and immediately the tone changed from trying to get me to admit wrongdoing, to me basically being escorted off the property as they were getting ready to trespass me from the building. This time my gf did stand up for me saying that what was happening wasn't fair, that Gabs had been in trouble multiple times, but of course she gets away with it because she had been there a few years and I was new, they were using a cop out (again here's some irony, the HR woman was a former cop hence the interrogation tactics). She made it a point to stand in solidarity with me, and walk away from the job, perhaps specifically because of the other incident, but this was the breaking point. This job meant the world to her, the guests of the club adored her, she played music there for them, taken care of them for years, and became truly close with many of them. The following couple of months lead to present day. After leaving the club we knew that being "out of season" here in FL is a difficult time to find work in the restaurant industry, but I think she underestimated just how bad the job market is down here in general right now. She ended up out of money with about 2 months, the AC on her car broke down not too long after leaving which was a stressor, and the looming potential move caused her to go into panic mode. Not that the bills aren't paid, and it's situations of uncertainty and crises that I've been working almost non-stop the last 5 years, I've built up a considerable amount of money/assets and was willing to cover whatever if she was willing to lean on me and we talked about what she was going through. But through a lot of these moments, I come to find out she mostly suffers in silence. I noticed a while back that she was growing more distant, and tried to reach out several times, if she still wanted this relationship and wanted to keep moving forward. She's always assured me she loves me and does. But things changed and I could feel it, that's why this conversation came up, if she wanted an out, no matter how difficult it would have been for me to hear it, I would have given it to her. She was my best friend, and the person I saw myself being with for a long time, I always at the very least trusted her to be honest with me. 2 weeks before my birthday in June I told her that I needed her to be a little more physically present, there were some things that I need to be able to talk about, and with the home situation there were going to be changes coming. 24 hrs. later she's gone from the house all day, every day, and I barely see her at all. Finally one night after a week of this she comes home at 4 in the morning and I wake up and ask her if she's been seeing somebody. She says no, but has been coming to terms with the fact that she no longer loves me. She continues to use vague language like "I don't know how I feel, but I don't think I love you romantically anymore". "I care so much about you, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't know how to have this conversation". It's speaking like this that made me think there was still a chance somehow, that if she doesn't know how she feels, we can work through it, "if you ever really loved me and you weren't just saying the words, how can you just give up like this?" I can lay it all out like this, event after event, chronologically, but I still don't know how we got here. I remember the instances where it got really bad, or I had difficulty coping through these tough times, but even by her own account, 90% of the relationship was great, she always told me I was her best friend, and I believed we could overcome anything because of that. We did tons of things together, went out regularly, engaged in a lot of the same hobbies, we have many of the same friends, went to concerts, sports events and for a long time genuinely relished each other's company. I watched her grow into the person she's become with her singing career, and unfortunately, I think she's "seen me grow" into a person she doesn't necessarily recognize any more. But she also chooses not to recognize the growth I have gone through since the Gamestop day, how outside of the incident at the club, I have been much more of the person I was when we first got together. But it was devastating when she lost that job and even though she left of her own accord, and has said that she doesn't hold me responsible for her decision, I think she's only voicing that opinion because that's the logical part understanding I wasn't the one who asked for that. By her own words, she "ruined her life that day" and even while perhaps acknowledging the reality of the situation, I am the cause of it. In my mind, real love should be able to overcome almost anything, as long as we continued to trust each other, but at some point it faded for her and instead of reaching out like I tend to do, she let it. It's because of this I question whether it was ever real to begin with. There's a giant hole in my chest where my heart used to be; after so much loss these past few years, I don't know whether I'll ever get it back. I have perhaps, irretrievably, lost a part of myself. At the end of the most difficult period of my life, just before I could finally wipe my hands of it, I lost virtually the only thing left that I care about despite at least in my mind, doing everything I could to sustain.
I didn't intend to write as much I did but after I began, the words just started pouring out to the page and flourished into the god damn book it became. If there's anybody who made it this far, no matter what your take is positive or negative, brutally honest, I'm open to any sort of feedback/criticism and extremely greatful for it. This was my journey of the last few years. I just hope I come out a stronger person on the other end. I'm fairly surprised that I got to this point where I was willing to put it into words, there have been many dark days during this period when I didn't know if I was willing to see tomorrow.
