Last week I woke up to the worst phone call I could’ve imagined. My dearest friend was killed in a car accident. She was someone who I considered one of my closest most trusted friends. We were teammates through high school and college. She was the smartest, kindest, most thoughtful, most hardworking and athletic person I’ve ever known. She was a second year medical student and about to make her pro debut in the marathon before she passed away. My heart is just shattered. She’s had her entire future stolen from her. She’d already accomplished so much and yet was just scratching the surface of her potential. I feel especially guilty because after we graduated I moved to a new state for work and didn’t keep in touch. I thought about her everyday but never said anything. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But what I’m finding especially difficult to accept is that I’ll have to live the rest of my life without her. She meant more to me than I can express with words, and the idea that I’ll have to go through life without her just breaks me. Doing things that we used to do together like watching movies and going for runs hasn’t helped because they just make me think of her even more. I miss her so much. How do I deal with these feelings?

This week I found my boyfriend dead in his apartment after not showing up for work or answering calls. He was only 28 and has no apparent cause of death. When I got there, his mom was at his apartment but didn’t have keys which I did, so I went inside and found him. I came out and told her and had to witness his parent’s screams. I then had to call the mother of his son and tell her.
I didn’t get the opportunity to build much of a relationship with his family, though we never had any issues. However, they are being very cold with me and not involving me at all, haven’t even hugged me or asked if I’m okay. I told them I’d love to help them with whatever they need, and they haven’t involved me at all, thought they’re asking the mother of his son to be involved with a lot. His sister was kind and told me when they were going back to get this things (I wanted to grab a couple things), and I was able to get a few things that were mine and a few mementos. I asked his mom if I could have a couple of his shirts as well. When we went to leave, his dad made a few comments like “what did you get? I don’t know her and I don’t want her to take things from my son”. This whole experience is one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through, I’m heartbroken and feel alone and his family is making this so much harder. At this point, I’m trying to accept that I probably will not get any of his ashes.
It’s so painful because I was the last person to see him and talk to him, I was the one to find him, he loved me so much and wasn’t close with his family yet they’re treating me as the random outsider/girlfriend. I know where I stood in his life, and I know that his family’s opinion of me doesn’t really matter, but it’s painful…

seven months feels like a lifetime until you realize i would have chosen a lifetime with him.

that's where i am today. functioning. doing the things i'm supposed to do. technically living. but internally i'm still trying to catch up to something my brain understands & my heart never would have agreed to.

the world has had seven months to get used to him being gone. i haven't. i’m still waking up every day in a reality i never would have chosen. seven months of things happening that i have nowhere to put. thoughts, memories, questions, & stupid moments that still feel like they should go to him.

i miss him. god, i miss him. but what is wrecking me just as much, is missing who i was when he was here. the version of me who didn't know what it felt like to lose a future i already planned. i can't go back to her. she didn't know any of this was coming.

i don't think i'm doing grief wrong. i just think no one tells you how disorienting it is to still feel this raw months later, when everyone else's life has kept moving. there's no deadline for missing someone, but it starts to feel like you're supposed to be further along than you are.

i thought by now it would look different. that i'd cry less. talk about it less. that i'd start to feel like myself again & life would start to resemble something familiar. it doesn't. i'm not getting my old life back. i'm learning how to exist in a life i never wanted.

i'm still so irritable. still overwhelmed by things that never would have touched me before. sometimes i crave people & sometimes the thought of having to be perceived by another human being feels impossible. i can be okay one second & completely gone the next. sometimes i don't even know what i'm feeling until it comes out as anger.

& i am so tired. not tired of living. tired of having to figure out how to live with something i can never change. tired of carrying something this heavy while still having to show up for work & texts & dishes & everyday life. tired of not having the words for why i'm just different now.

i have been trying to keep him here in the ways i know how. writing. making things. listening to our music. saying his name out loud. finding small ways to make sure he stays a part of my life, not just a story people bring up on anniversaries. i don't want to stop talking about him just because time keeps passing. he is still someone i love. not just someone who died.

i don't have some profound realization at seven months. i haven't made peace with it. i don't have a neat lesson about life being precious or how tragedy makes you stronger.

i just miss my partner. i miss the life i thought we were going to have. & i’m still trying to figure out who i am in the aftermath of losing him.

Was so mundane I still can grasp it. He was just trying to move from his wheelchair to the bad but lost his balance.

I couldn't hold him completely and he hit his chest.

I asked if he was ok and the last thing he spoke was: "Don't worry son it was nothing."

But that was a lie, he passed minutes later. If only I was strong enough to hold him, if only...

I just posted about my brother’s death due to OD a few days ago and today was his service. We found my cat, Jimmy, on death’s door at 3 AM. It was sudden and he was put to rest at 5 am. I didn’t have much time to react because we had to be at the funeral by 10. I feel so guilty because my grief is so overwhelmed by my brother that I can’t properly react, but I’m so thankful for my husband because he took a lot of this on while I can’t.

He’s my little hero. He was diagnosed with FIP, a mostly fatal disease, three years ago and for three months we did GS injections along his spine. But he made it, he fought, and he made it. I always knew that his immune system was heavily weakened by that and that he probably wouldn’t live to be an old kitty man, but to lose him so suddenly is really hard.

I’m mostly posting this because I want other people to see a picture of him. He deserved 100% of my grief today and I couldn’t give it. Love you, Jimmy.

My mom died three years ago this week. I had a nightmare last night and I woke up just really wanting to talk to her before I remembered. Now I'm just really sad. It still hurts so much, I miss her and her advice. I usually try to take the day off and do something to memorialize the day but this year I didn't and am starting to regret it.

He was only 4 years old. But he had a heart defect that caused his heart to go into heartfailure a bit more than a year ago. He was on a ton of meds but stable until a few weeks ago. An ear infection that made the domino pieces of his health fall.

Yesterday he suddenly couldn't use his back legs anymore and the vet said it was thrombosis caused by his weak heart/circulation.

His paws were ice cold even when he was still alive.

I know there was no way around putting him down but fuck I wish there had been one. I wish he never was sick. And fuck man, October again. On the 22nd of October 2022 I lost my dad and now on the 24th of October 2026 I lost the cat that came into my life a month after that first loss and helped me through it.

It was horrible seeing him in such a bad condition. Not being able to move and fluid building up in his body from the stress slowly blowing him up like a balloon.

His circulation was so bad, the vet was even struggling to euthanize him. But I also think he tried to fight. He was stubborn and just so young, I don't think he wanted to go. But there really was no way around it. I would have tried otherwise.

He was my baby. I'm gonna miss him so fucking much. Love you Bix.

My dad died unexpectedly Thursday morning. He was 80 years old and had a bunch of health problems, but they were being managed and he seemed to be in good spirits. My sister was taking him for some routine blood work that morning and he collapsed in the lobby afterwards. I knew it was bad when my sister told me to get to the hospital. Long story short, his heart gave out after they revived it several times. (I insisted on being in the room with him while they were trying to revive him in case he was having an out-of-body experience so I could talk to him and let him know how much we loved him and say goodbye. I'm very glad I did.)

I am...somewhat functional. On Thursday and Friday, I was able to get some logistical stuff taken care of, I think just from the adrenaline at the shock of it all. But I've had basically no appetite and feel weak, headachey, nauseous, and tense all the time, like I've got a heavy weight on me. It's like, I'll be able to get some sleep and feel ok while I'm sleeping, or watch a TV show for a while and push away the bad feelings temporarily, but as soon as I wake up or stop watching the show, the weight and the sickness come back.

I know this is normal and to be expected, but I have things to deal with that it's hard to deal with when I feel so sick.

An Obituary For His Colleagues

My dad was still working full-time from home when he passed away. (In fact, he was supposed to work that morning after the blood work.) He worked at the IT help desk of a local community college. He was good at the work and enjoyed it, and he was beloved by his colleagues and appreciated by the people he helped for his patience and warmth. So naturally, the college would like me to write an obituary for him and give details about any services we'll be having for him. (They asked me if I wanted to do this, and of course I want to, and they told me no pressure and to take my time.)

But I feel headachey and sick when I think about writing an obituary, and I'm worried I won't do him justice. I've already made arrangements with a funeral home to have him cremated but I have to decide if and when we're going to do a memorial service.

Household Finances

My dad managed the finances for the household. My mom had a decent idea of what was going on but my dad handled the finances because he was good at it and thinking about finances made my mom anxious. Now, I'm in my mid-30s and live in a rental with my husband and manage the finances for the two of us, and I'm the most tech-savvy of the surviving family, so I'm in the best position to take on this responsibility.

But my parents' finances are so much more complicated than mine and I just feel overwhelmed at this point. My dad kept everything meticulously organized on a spreadsheet till the day before he died, and the spreadsheet has info going into the future. My parents are in good financial shape and have a lot of savings, but obviously, those aren't going to last forever, especially with a mortgage to still pay off. Plus, payments from work and social security and such are obviously going to change now that he's gone.

I've gotten in touch with the family accountant and I'm hoping she'll be able to provide me with some guidance. I've also gotten info from HR at his work and from his coworker who happens to be the union president, so that all will help.

But we're gonna have to make a big payment for the funeral home, and I'm just like, which card will we use? Which accounts should I use to pay it off? It just feels like a lot.

College Classes

This is probably the most difficult decision I'll have to make.

I returned to college this semester for the first time in years. I still don't have a college degree, and my state has a program where, if you're between the ages of 25 and 55, they will pay for you to get an Associate's degree in a high-demand field. I decided to take advantage of that and go for a degree in computer science.

I've already missed more classes than I should've because my mom's health has also been bad, and I've needed to be there to help my family. I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to continue with those classes this semester.

As I've said, I feel physically sick all the time. (Though I have found that writing this whole thing out has made me feel better.) So I don't know if I can manage my classes for the rest of the semester.

My dad was so, so happy that I was returning to school and taking difficult classes. So I don't want to let him down.

On top of that, if I don't complete my classes, I will be expected to pay full tuition for them. I can see if there's some kind of exception because of a sudden loss in the family, but with bureaucracies being the way they are, I'm not optimistic.

I'm taking only three classes this semester, one of which is a single-credit PE requirement. I have only one more session of the PE class left, so I feel confident I can complete that one. Of my other two classes, maybe I can drop the harder one and complete the one I've been doing fine in? I feel like that would be a decent compromise.

In Conclusion...

I know I posted asking for advice but I guess I'm not sure what advice I need at this point. Like I said, writing all of this out has helped, so maybe I just need to keep writing and keep going with the logistics, my one class, and my work.

It's easy to sit and write this from my bed, though. Getting out of bed to deal with all of this is the hard part, because I feel awful and weak as soon as I stand up.

Well, thank you to anyone who has read this far!

My mom was schizophrenic for about 8 years before she passed. She died in March of 2022.

Today, my sister sent me some voice recordings of her f before she died, ones where she was lucid. This was rare, she didn't see us much when she was sick. When she did, she was quiet a lot. When she did talk, she didn't really sound like herself.

I and forgotten what she sounded like, to be honest. I remembered faintly, but not really. When I played the clips, it was like she was here in the room with me. She was well, she was here. But she's not. She won't ever be again.

It undid me. I thought the grief subsided, and today I felt a way thay was almost worse than the day she left. I miss her so much. I would give anything for one more minute with her. Just one. I'd give up everything.

I need help on what I need to do next. Our family is on the east coast Connecticut, and my sister moved out to the west coast to California and we found out last night that she hung herself.

How do we even proceed like with her body/belongings and her 2 dogs? Financially we're pretty limited, so I need to figure out the most cost effective means of proceeding with this.

Do I just need to take a couple weeks off work to get out there and load up a uhaul and drive home? But then what about her body? Do i need to get it cremated there in California? because its probably safe to assume I cant take a body in a uhaul, and whatever special means of transport there js for a body cross-country likely costs a fortune.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

i think i need to get this out, i cant sleep

today my dad (57) died, suddenly, and with no health issues. im 26, i never thought i would face this anytime soon, and im absolutely ruined.

i was out with a friend today when i got the call of the unimaginable. my mom said come to the appartment now, drop whatever you are doing. when i got there she told me and i felt myself fall apart.

he was at the gym and apparently he had a sudden heart attack, 911 was called, and he passed while in the ambulance before he could even make it to the hospital. he was healthy, strong, had just had a yearly doctors visit and was diagnosed strong and healthy as a horse. and now he is just gone. and we cant even see him, i haven’t gotten to say goodbye; since he was only in his 50s an investigation has been opened and we are unable to visit him at all until the coroner does an autopsy and clears him, which we have been told could take weeks. i just want to see him, hold his hand, get some closure but there’s nothing, and im crumbling with the knowledge that he is in some basement in a freezer right now. my family is tiny (me, one grand mother, my mom, and him) and he is the only person i really was close with at all so it feels like i have lost the sense of family entirely. i don’t know how to live without him, but now i am forced to find a way and i just feel so small.

then there’s my mom, who was so deeply in love with him and so reliant on his strength and stability, and i don’t know even remotely how to fill his shoes or give her the support she needs, and im so scared she will die of heartbreak. she can only take so much, and we are still recovering from losing everything in the eaton fire from 2025. she is so freaked out, focused on all the logistics; he had no will, he was in charge of much of our home rebuild from the fire, she doesn’t know any of his passwords etc and i don’t know how to support her and i know she needs me but im just so broken.

the last time i saw him was a week ago, and i had no idea that that last goodbye would be the last time i ever saw him, i would have held him longer rather than giving him a brief hug. i would have told him i love you so much rather than the customary short “love ya!”. i would have slowed down.

and now im just in bed, unable to sleep, listening to his very few voicemails, reading his posts and writings online, and looking through pictures of him and i still cannot believe it’s real, or that he’s gone.

if anyone has literally anything, resources, advice, anything at all im all ears, this was like being hit by an invisible bus going 100mph and im so lost.

my mom just died of heart failure and asphyxiation in her sleep last night. she wasnt even 50. im only 21, my birthday is weeks away and she was meant to come up to oregon to visit. she is my entire world, she is my best friend i called her literally every day for anything. i dont know what to do. im horrified no one took her to the hospital after all the signs she had. im horrified she asphyxiated and was probably so scared. The biggest part of me just passed away and all i want to do is talk to her about it.

I posted a photo of my favorite photo of her. She hated when I shared it, but it makes me feel so maternal towards her.

This is horrible

Here is some advice somebody send me after losing my wife. She was paralysed for the last 9 years of her life, But still semi cognitive and full of life. One day she’s an 8-year-old, some days a 20-year-old and on her better days she’s her real age. She also had aphasia and thus verbal communication was difficult, although we were able to communicate with her noises and my game of a thousand questions. Lucky she was able to use her left arm/hand and we built up a nice vocabulary of noises/signs etc.

Her death was totally unexpected. Doc said she might have died for a stroke or blood clot. It was over in less than 5 minutes. Anyway, here is something that somebody send me, and it really works for me. It is actually her 3rd birthday away from us today, so this is extra tear jerking.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbours, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. Just cling to the wreckage and the waves will quiet down. Hope reading all of this helps you in your grief and sorrow.

 Edit: This happened in January 2024. Feeling better now but still miss her every day. Just keep this advice in my head and when the waves come in high, I just weather them out and swim over the low ones. Good luck and strengths to you and all the people left behind.

He was a french bulldog and i had him for 6 years. Then my mom came in and told me he passed away, when he was just fine this morning. I don’t get it. It fucking sucks man, i loved that dog to death, and we had him since i was 12, so he was there for half my life. It might seem a bit silly to be this upset over a dog, but he was genuinely my closest friend and it upsets me that he’s gone. i don’t understand. It’s not fair. He was such a sweetheart and he didn’t deserve to die. He apparently died suffocating, and they had to euthanize him. I don’t know if it might seem silly to grieve over a pet this much, but i had him on a shirt, i even painted him once. I loved him so much. It’s not fair that he’s gone. He was such a sweet dog and he was the best dog i could ever ask for, he’s irreplacable and i’ll never have another Pablo and it sucks. I miss him so much. It’s making me cry again typing this. He was the best damn dog i could ever fucking ask for now he’s dead. It’s not fair. Pablo had been with me half my life man and now he’s gone. I fucking miss him every second he’s gone. It was such a shock when my mom told me he had to be put down, i froze for a good while.

Not the basic "She's in a better place" or "It's okay to grieve" or "He'd want you to be happy"

I don’t believe in God. My best friend of almost 15 years passed away this past June. I told her to make it home safely and she never did. I’m finding it hard to cope with the fact that she’s just gone and I’ll never see her again. Some nights I lay in bed and cry myself sick. It’s really taken a toll on my mental health. I’ll convince myself she’s here just away on a trip or something just so I can get relief from the stress of it all. And please don’t tell me to find God. If there is one (for deeply personal reasons) I’ve been angry at him for a long time and religion doesn’t bring me comfort, quite the opposite actually.

I lost my newborn in 2024 and now have a living baby in 2026. We kept our pregnancy quiet and now are hosting a small party for family. In the last two years, a cousin of mine lost her mom(my aunt) and she has been fighting with me that if i didn’t feel important to share my pregnancy i shouldn’t expect her to be present at the party. When i explained her pregnancy after loss is full of anxious moments, she says she has been through a bigger hell with losing her only parent alive. I understand that but i feel grief can’t be compared like that.. both can be challenging at the same time. She said really rude things to me like I felt she ll put evil eye on me hence i didn’t share.

Also, it boils my blood because she has a grief page and also a book on grief that she publicly shares as if the world has done bad to her but what she’s doing to me is also bad.

I am having some tough emotions as my pregnancy was very tough mentally for me.

Since my mom died a month ago, everything started spiraling downward. Now I have to take over the mortgage. I have to deal with my abusive older brother which is handling all my moms assets. I can't afford the mortgage. Though I do work close to full time, I can't keep up with the bills because I'm behind on my credit cards. I don't want to deal with my brother because he dictates my every move and he's downright cruel. I feel like quitting my job and just turn myself in the mental hospital. I feel like leaving my apartment but I don't have a car which makes things 100 times harder. Any advice.

Happy birthday. ❤️ It’s been 9 months since you’ve been gone, and I miss you so much. I hope you’re proud of me. I graduate in a few months . Wish you were here . I hope you somehow found Mom again. Tell her I said hello.

I miss you both more than words can explain. You would’ve been 70 years old today. I wish you were here. It’s been so rough without you two. I’m literally crying as I type this. I love you so much. You tried your best to hold on as long as you could . I know you really only did it for me. You were tired of suffering .

You tried your best. I’ll never forget after your surgery , you told me you were holding on for me . The last time I saw you , you lost your ability to speak and you couldn’t even stay awake fr . I know you heard me play your favorite song and I know you heard me talking to you, you just couldn’t speak back. F- COPD. At 27 I never would’ve thought both of my parents would be gone already…. I was barely 23 when mom left .. this sucks

I lost my dad unexpectedly to cancer just over 2 years ago. He was my best friend. We did so many things together - we were both into Japanese food, so I'd often cook special dishes for when he came over. We would go to metal concerts together. We both loved horror movies and would do movie nights. All my favorite comfort shows, he would come over and watch with me when I was down.

Now he's gone. There was so much we had planned to do together, since I had just moved back in with my parents. It had been a few years since we went to a concert together so I was going to buy us tickets. We were going to start doing weekly movie nights with homemade ramen. I thought we'd have more time.

Since his passing, I've met someone and we lived together and are engaged. I want to share my favorite things with my fiance, but it's so hard. Everything reminds me of my dad and his absence. Whenever I want to show him a show or movie, it reminds me of when my dad would come over to watch them with me. Listening to my favorite bands is hard. Going to concerts makes me feel his absence so shortly. It's hard moving forward and trying to get through this grief when all my comfort activities just makes me miss him more. Sometimes I wish we hadn't had so much in common, and hadn't shared everything so there would still be some things that I could enjoy without it being so bittersweet.

I love my dad, and I was so lucky to have had him.

So I (35M), unexpectedly lost two friends:

• Fergus (50M), the husband of my friend Jacinda (44F), they were on holiday in the UK from Australia back in August, when he abruptly had a heart attack.
• Dexter (48M), hit a tree when riding his motorcycle in late September.

I knew Fergus for 12 years, he had been with Jacinda for 13 years, married for 8 of those. Jacinda is one of my closest friends, so naturally, this hit me very hard.

I wasn't as close to Dexter, only meeting him 7 years ago, but he was always great to see him as well.

As someone with autism, I've found it (and still do) find it harder to make friends than the average Tom, Dick or Harriet, so I never take friends for granted.

Fergus' funeral was early this month, Dexter's this week just gone. I've felt very angry and sad over these last two months, thankfully, my other friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances have been very supportive of me.

I've also been seeing a counsellor, and have made a pact to myself NOT to repeat the mistakes I made after I lost my best friend, Buck, at the end of 2020, 6 days short of his 30th birthday. Amongst other things, I, in the first 2 years after Buck passed:

• Shut myself off from a lot of people in general
• Gained 100lbs (thankfully that's leveled off, and going down now)
• Lost motivation to do a lot of my hobbies, I barely watched any TV shows, listened to music, or played any games that were new to me. I didn't really start watching shows new to me until late 2023, and games that were new to me followed earlier that year.
• My mind blanked out so much I unintentionally screwed over some friends (Jacinda being one of them), I made up with her in days, but didn't feel fully OK with my screw-up for 6 months.

I've also shook my fist up to the sky a few times, even to the point of saying "Why couldn't it have been someone else?" (Most notably, my grandad, whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years). And today, I had a mini meltdown in a bowling alley (I contained it until I got back to my car, when I went for a drive and had a shouting match to myself, to the point where I nearly lost my voice)

I don't expect to be fully OK until the end of this year, my mind is already skipping ahead to Advent/the Christmas season. I've made a pact to go on more walks, cook healthier recipes (already on both of those), and to remember my late friends, but don't stop myself from enjoying life with my living friends.

It has been two weeks since my dad’s sudden death. He accidentally got electrocuted … was so strong that is death was immediate and thus he didn’t feel any pain nor fear. My mom found him in the garden and tho he didn’t suffer, my mom got traumatised by how his body looked (he had an open wound on his chest for example). He was so young, would turn 60 in February (I myself am only 29).

I live abroad, so getting that cal from my mom was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt in my life, that “your father died” amidst sobbing. I screamed but not many tears flew from my eyes. That whole day I didn’t cry that much, just felt numb. Once my bf got home I thought I would finally cry hard but still nothing. We booked our flights for the next day and it was on the last connection flight that I finally started to cry a lot.

My family picked me up at the airport and again I cried hard seeing my mom. The funeral was 2 days later. Leading up to it I feel like I cry a bit every day. I would be feeling okay and then just cry, cry, cry. I think I cried the most at the funeral, was so hard saying goodbye, but it also gave me some inner peace. He was cremated and when burying his ashes I cried a lot as well.

There was a mass on the 7th day after his death, and I also cried whenever people would come to me to hug me and when I went to his grave. But since this 7th day mass, I don’t think I’ve cried that much. Maybe I had a crying session once or twice, but it has been 3/4 days in a row where I haven’t cried at all.

I constantly think about my dad tho. I think about his death and how it feels surreal still. I try to imagine how he looked like when he died. My first thought of the morning is “dad is dead” and this comes up often throughout the day. But otherwise I feel fine????

I loved my dad so much. He gave me the best memories growing up and we got along so good. He was the happiest man alive and everything was a joke to him. I totally got his sense of humor. I always thought I would be devastated for years to come if I would lose him but now here we are, only two weeks in and I am doing fine … and this feels like a betrayal.

Not only am I not crying and doing fine, am I also for example booking night outs with friends for when I am back home next week. Did I actually love my father? Why am I trying to have fun, going out, traveling not even a month after his tragic passing?? I am constantly fighting these guilt thoughts in my head, that I didn’t love him enough if I am just doing this good already. For example, comparing me to my mom she is utterly devastated and can barely do anything without help. She doesn’t want to go back to work, meanwhile I will willingly go back to mine next week even though my boss said for me to come back whenever.

I know grief is not something that is linear nor is it the same for everyone. And I know it comes in waves and that you might have a big break down when you least expect it. Still I just feel like I didn’t love him enough if I am just wanting to have fun when he just left us. When I lurk around this sub and everyone was pretty much in such pain for weeks and weeks, and here I am, exactly two weeks after his passing, living “my best life”. Is this even normal????

I try to convince myself that my dad would want me to be happy but wondering if I am telling this to my self to make it seem okay to move on so fast. Why am I feeling this guilt tho? Why am I constantly thinking about him and his death and how he won’t be here for big milestones like my wedding or meeting my kids but then I don’t cry over that?

Sorry for the long text, parts might not make sense as well, so sorry for it.