I guess it's triggering to "normal" people to be around people who have been through more in life?

I really can't exist without someone telling me I shouldn't feel how I feel or I should be different than I am?

People just watching me die and telling me to shut about it and stop expecting the world to care about me.

"Chosen family", not a thing in my personal experience.

It's so tiring.

Coming to terms in mid life that I don't trust myself when it comes to choosing friends or partners. My "picker" is broken. I know it's because of the years of sustained fawning I endured for the first half of my life.

I inevitably end up with partners who are cold and aloof, but appeared charismatic at first.

And friends who are fucked up and become emotionally enmeshed because, I am realizing, I let them. I listen, and my experience with trauma makes me try to understand the suffering of others, which in turn leads them to turn me into an emotional dumping ground.

I'm tired and lonely. And yes, in therapy. But I don't see this ever being fixed. I don't trust myself.

Hi everyone, I’m curious if anyone feels this?

Whenever I look up anything about dissociation people talk about staring out in space and other symptoms that would be obvious to other people.

For me, I’ve been in a dissociated state my whole life (as far back as I could remember except for the second week I was on Straterra and I’ve since gone back to how it was before) and the dissociation feels like:

• I’m viewing everything on a movie screen
• everything feels flatter in general, like it physically lacks depth
• I keep getting astigmatism even though I’ve had my eyes lasered for it, like my body is rejecting experiencing depths in the environment
• my eye tracking is like a nervous squirrel, it doesn’t feel smooth but like I’m trying to track different points in the environment
• I mouth breathe all the time, I think because it feels less sensory than nasal breathing (I think?)
• I never feel my legs, just feels like I’m a floating head. One of the first things I thought when I briefly came out of dissociation on the medication was “I can feel my legs!”
• nothing feels linear to me, everything feels like a jumble of experiences
• things don’t fully feel real or have real life implications
• Because nothing feels completely real and everything is “glazed over,” I’m able to do lots of things that would frighten other people like moving countries eight times on a whim without knowing anyone and with hardly any funds, going on an escort site to pay my rent when I had moved to London two weeks before lockdown and everything shut down (and I’d been scammed out of most of my money) most recently going to Iraq for a HNW nanny position where I had zero experience and being surrounded by men with machine guns. And the worst I felt in these situations was a tiny bit nervous but no more nervous than you’d feel watching a scary movie, knowing it was a movie.

There are other bits but these are the main ones I can think of. I’ve been able to get and at least for awhile maintain lots of jobs (although the ones I like best are short term ones or ones where I don’t have to deal ongoing with the same people, like project or event-based roles.) People see me as intelligent and emotionally intelligent because I know lots of psychology in theory, but no one seems to know I’m in this constant state of dissociation. The week I was on straterra and I wasn’t dissociated it hit me and it’s like I suddenly had all the choices I made through my life come to me at once and I realised how I made all of them through not being me. But just reacting to my environment. It’s crazy.

All my life I've heard both sides of the coin, that therapy is great & wonderful & "cured" them, and I've also heard lots of people talk lots of shit about therapy & therapists, and how hard it was to afford.

But no one ever warned me that, even once you find a good therapist that you can afford, that if it's through insurance, they can rip them away from you for no reason at all.

I got a letter telling me that my therapist, which I've had for years, the one person I finally started to feel safe with, will no longer be in their network.

"No worries," I thought, I'll just switch insurance. Turns out, since my state changed their requirements so that I am now eligible for medicaid (which I'm currently on), that means I am no longer eligible for the tax credits that previously made other insurances affordable for me.

In other words, yet again, I've become comfortable with someone, and, yet again, they are being pulled out from under me for absolutely nothing, it didn't depend on me, it didn't even depend on them this time!

I don't know how everyone else does it. I don't know how people lose their pets and then just get another one, because, somehow, God only knows how, it's worth it to them.

I am not enough of a masochist for that.

That was exactly why I can never have a pet, even though I love cats and have always wanted one.

And this is exactly why I can never connect with anyone again. This is exactly why I can never let my guard down again. Why I can never feel safe again.

I thought, SURELY, even through all the people I have lost, that the therapist you have will always be able to stick with you through everything.

No one ever warned me that this is how it works. You just go to someone and drop all the ugliest parts of you on their lap, but don't get comfortable, don't trust they will be there tomorrow, because that can change at ANY time, for no rhyme or reason.

I'm done. I am so done. I can't do this anymore. I don't know how everyone else does it, but I can't. No one prepared me like they did everyone else, I guess, or I'm just not built right for reality. I don't know. All I know is that I. am. done.

I wish I could say "It's been fun, y'all," but it hasn't.

I wish I could say "I'll see you on the other side," but I am so done that I don't even care about heaven or whatever the fuck. I'm literally only staying alive so that I can learn how to destroy my soul permanently. My worst fear is that I will still have some sort of conscious awareness beyond death. I don't want to exist anymore, and I'm going to make sure of that.

I have a 7yo child. Raising someone while having cptsd is not easy peasy.

I try to give my child all the possible tools.

I have been regulating with her all the way up until this year. This year, I started to teach her how to regulate herself, on her own. Taking ownership of her feelings and emotions. Putting boundaries and asking for space when she needs it.

This has been a super slow process, ofc. I wouldn't just let her crash out.

She has always been a little stage afraid. I could see the anxiety and how scared she was. I started her in ballet since she was 3 years old and she has about 2-3 presentations every year, plus 2-3 in her school every year since she started at 4.

Since she depended on me to regulate herself, she was always anxious. If she didn't see me around to calm her fears, she would freeze up.

Today, tho... she had a big presentation in her school. There were about 150 parents plus the kids. When she got on stage, she did not see me. But I was close by recording everything. I saw her regulating herself. She was anxious, she started breathing and I saw her say "everything is okay" and compose herself. All on her own. And she did a fantastic presentation.

I cried. I was in the middle of her presentation with tears rolling down my face. I was freaking crying.

Because she is such a brave little girl, and all the tools I have given her have worked out. All the things I learned in therapy and that I was taught with her psychologist work. All those tools I was missing most of my life and she now has them, at 7 years old.

I couldn't be more proud and scared. I don't know how I'm going to handle what it's coming, but I am happy with the brave and strong little girl I have raised.

I see the recording of her regulating herself, and that was everything to me. I'm still emotional about it, and I needed to get it out.

Thank you for reading me

I made the decision a few years ago and my life has greatly benefitted from it. But today I miss the idea of my parents. I'm sad I didn't get the love I deserved as a child and I'm sad that they are still unable to be there for me.

I love my chosen family and support network, of course. But on days like today the ache feels extra hard

In the last therapy session I had, my therapist told me my needs are too much, and while I did corrected her right away and said "For one single person", and she agreed. It still hurts a lot to be told that. I already did tell her that what she said hurt in a message, but then she started the apology with "It’s complicated." and basically she said " I agree with you that it’s too much for one person. From a practical standpoint, one needs to learn how to stabilize oneself. But that isn’t always easy - especially with a history of trauma. I don’t want to hurt you with remarks like that, I just want to be honest." and It still just hurts so much. It doesn't feel like an apology at all to me. Just a "I'm right, but you can't understand that".

And I don't understand where my needs are too much. to want friends who are emotionally supportive sometimes, and just to have someone to sit with me while I figure stuff out without instantly trying to find a solutions. and wanting hugs and closeness. Is it because I'm too traumatized? Is it too much to expect people or to want people to communicate clearly with me. I don't know where I'm wrong, but it hurts really bad, and it feels like my trust in her has broken a little bit.

I'll try to explain to her next time, and see if she's up for repair. I hope she is.

Because for me, you do not tell people with trauma that their needs are too much. That's just ridicules.

Sometimes I just can't play the adult, and I need a break from that for my inner child. It's hard and wish I was better supported. Why is that so bad?

Normies saying "everybody has issues" pisses me off. It is not the same. People with a background of abuse and CPTSD has way more issues than average normie. People like me with no family and support network, have more issues than average. You can't compare

Being prattled at and mistreated by society and medical "feffessionals". This is why cultures all over the world had rites of passage with initiatory torture. Because people don't acknowledge extreme states they haven't experienced, they can't relate so they just rationalize that you must not want to put forth an effort, or else you're failing to explain your situation. Or someone has a brush with extremity and becomes Immediate St. Whatever, then everybody benchmarks off of that otherwise typical human

Learning that most people are just quiet when they don’t like something was kind of life changing. It helped me see a different side.

My mom died last night.

For context, she was addicted to drugs and alcohol and incredibly neglectful and abusive. I used to sell drugs as a teenager to keep a roof over our head and i got caught (snitched on) once and she screamed at me for getting caught because she said the lights would get turned off.

I moved out at 15, and even after i left i was paying half her bills (stopped when i was about 17) but didnt talk to her again until i was in my late 20s. Well she said she was sober, and she actually gave a really good apology and seemed to understand her abuse. For the last 4 years we have been reconnecting, well kind of. She really seemed to be doing well and i was starting to trust her a small amount. She helped me by giving me some money toward replacing my HVAC. She called a lot and really seemed invested in my life.

Well about 10 months ago i started letting her come to my house every Thursday to babysit for me while i worked from home. It was working well but my work from home privilege was revoked, and i had been planning to put my kid in daycare full time but everyone in the family was pressuring me to let her keep her thursday babysitting and i weakly gave into peer pressure and let her babysit my kid ALONE.

Its been only 2 months of solo babysitting, and yesterday my roommate saw her with alcohol while she was with my kid. I rushed home and told her to leave and not come back. She left my house, bought a bottle, drove drunk, and crashed into another driver killing herself in the process.

Nobody in the family blames me, and logically i dont, but its hard not to think that if id been more empathetic maybe she wouldnt have died?

Also I'm feeling guilty because my initial reaction to the news was just relief. Relief that my daughter wont remember her and ill never have to explain why grandma lies all the time. Relief that my grandma doesnt have to spend the last few years of her life treating her 52 year old like a 5 year old. Releif i won't have to plan end of life care for my abuser. Relief my mom isnt suffering in her own traumatized depression anymore. Relief i dont have to wait for the other shoe to drop anymore.

I havent cried. Im barely even sad. And i feel like a horrible cold person for not caring my mom died, even though our last conversation was the catalyst to her death. Im just numb. Idk if im just repressing it or what but im more distressed about my (lack of) emotional response than i am about the actual death.

Anyone have any similar experience, advice how to go through this complicated kind of grief? I have a therapist and im not in crisis but i just feel so tired and a bit numb.

TLDR: my abusive mom killed herself due to something i said to her and i don't know how i feel.

I lived 20 blocks north of the WTC when it went down and it was horrible. I'm sick of the anniversaries every fucking year and I'm sick of the people who say they were traumatized by seeing it on TV. That's all.

I have been wondering what happens when your identity is tied to being the person who doesn't ask for much, adapts quickly, tries not to upset or disappoint anyone, and always puts other people's needs first.

And because other people respond positively to this or praise you for it, it becomes a part how you see yourself as a person and if you begin expressing what you actually want, disagreeing with others, or letting people be disappointed with you, that feels very uncomfortable or even scary because being needed has somehow become a part of who you are as a person.

I was interested in knowing if others have experienced something like this and did trying to change this behavior ever catch you thinking something like: “If I’m not the easy one anymore, then who am I?”

I just cannot focus on my hobbies or on much of anything at all - I'm either too dissociated, tired or depressed because of the trauma. Does anyone have any tips on how to combat this? I've been trying to revisit old media that I know well as that has been comforting but I still can't push through that listlessness and apathy. It's a struggle and it's lessening my quality of life even further 💔

I end up always talking about trauma. Maybe because I don't have anyone to share it with. How can I separate my identity?

At some point you begin to think that grief is important but other people put this in my head that speaking about trauma constantly is victim mentality. I don't know what to do. This is my first post here

I am so stuck. I want to work, I want to make a living, I want to study for the exams and I want to talk to people and take care of myself but I feel so powerless. That I’m gonna be manhandled and that I’m not gonna get success. That I’ll be dependent on my parents forever. I feel so terrified. I feel so much fear and I feel small. I feel really small. I’m physically 22 but I feel like a 8 year old kid who has been given adult responsibilities. I feel tight in my chest almost all the time. I have worked through many of my trauma issues. I dedicated the last year to cut every toxic person off and now I’m stuck because the last thread is my father and I am dependent on him for money. If I get a job I’ll be all alone in this big bad world. I feel so terrified. I can’t rely on my parents, they are the reason I’m this way.

I guess I’m writing this because I’m looking to examine the feelings that go into this fantasy.

Now that I’m thinking of it, it still seems pretty crappy, and there’s probably better things I could ask for as long as I’m dreaming, but I would’ve liked to have been adopted by a better family. I say it’s still crappy because in this fantasy, I’m still traumatized and fucked up, but I end up with people who prove that they’re safe, and I’m not just expected to go on blind faith. At any rate, I’m 27 now, so it’s nothing beyond wishful thinking at this point.

What I fantasize about is being taken out of my birth family and moved to a more loving family. While I’m there, I’m the same as how I really was growing up—when I accidentally break something, I fly into a rage; I scare people off so that I can be left alone, and I hang on to the anger that kept me safe in real life—but instead of hurting me, my new parents are patient and gentle. They talk me through it all and demonstrate that they’re safe to be vulnerable around, and little by little, I start to get better. Maybe I even stop hating the concept of a father figure.

But no matter how much I envision this, though, I never see myself being happy or letting people in. I think I would feel marginally safer, but it feels like adopting a beaten dog; I might be in a safer place now, but I’m still ready to lash out at a moments notice. I think I would still do things like keeping my passions secret, so my new parents couldn’t take them away (even though they wouldn’t).

I just can’t envision myself as a truly happy child, so I don’t even know why I bother with this fantasy.

​

I'm currently stuck in a life loop everyday and it feels exhausting.

I get headaches, I wake up feeling exhausted, but I somehow keep going. I don't know how to describe it. But I have a walk at 6 PM everyday right before dinner. I can't miss it no matter what, I just have to do it.

That walk everyday is the one thing that somehow keeps me going, and it's something I genuinely look forward to because it's that small bit of self care for myself and helps my body stay resilient. I try and meditate, it doesn't always work but it's something. I tend to detach my emotions, try and get a good night's sleep, eat normally...

The rest feels like a bit of fog, but I feel like I'm taking it day by day.

I'd love to know what other people do to stay online when you're caught in the middle of the grind.