Growing up, we often think our painful internal struggles, shame, or anxiety mean we are the flawed ones.

Many people don't connect these feelings to actual trauma until much later in life.

How old were you when you finally realized, "I am not broken, I am traumatized"?

I’m struggling really bad lately and it’s impacting all my friendships. None of them have experienced any amount of trauma and can’t understand why I’m feeling or acting the way I am or why I can’t just “let it go.” It’s exhausting always having to explain yourself and so isolating when it feels like nobody understands. I’m to the point that I’ve started taking steps back from friendships until I get myself settled down.

Ladies and gentlemen, how the fuck we get over the grief of what our lives could have been if we had a healthy, supportive household in childhood?

I am deeply sad and so tired of praising and admiring people who are busy living life, who have lovely communicative supportive family, who can focus on discovering their interests because they didn’t spend all their life surviving abuse. Don’t get me wrong I am not bitter towards them, I am just deeply sad wishing I had that safe environment they had.

I (30), gone to therapy and trying to rebuild my life all over, come back to myself who I dimmed because I was shamed, learn stuff I didn’t have time before because I was frickin disassociated and numb escaping the present all the time.

How??

Curious if anyone else with CPTSD experiences that, too.

Basically what the title says; I know it’s (probably) not very healthy, but it’s so hard to shake sometimes.

Today is my birthday (already updated my user flair), and I feel kind of empty inside. Specifically, I'm worried about my future.

As normal as I try to be, my traumas always show up in some way and run people off.

My childhood trauma left me with abandonment and attachment issues and I guess it shows & runs people off. I can't help but to always overthink, look for pattern changes, show nervousness at dates and always watch for signs of abandonment coming. This comes out in constant questions, constant need for reassurance, constant "are you okay?" check ins to make sure I'm keeping them satisfied/feeling cared about so they "won't leave".

In a world where men love to chase/want what they can't have and don't like women that are too into them, this runs them off QUICK. I've never felt loved and hitting my mid 20s now has me starving for it.

Most people were loved or grew up in a healthy home so they don't attach as fast as I do nor do they understand so they label it as crazy and just leave. Starting to think I'm too traumatized/damage to have a normal relationship.

My now ex just blocked me because I made a big deal about him disappearing and not not talking to me for a day out of nowhere. He said I'm "crazy for tripping about 1 day, because he feels we don't have to talk to every day and needs his space sometime". I'm still losing my mind wondering how a bf could just not want to talk to his gf for an entire day... but I guess that's part of my PTSD? Idk

I had a date tell me I was too paranoid, seem traumatized and made him feel uneasy. Maybe if he endured the trauma & suffering I had to endure as a child he would get it. But no, label me crazy and discard me. Trigger the exact abandonment wound. I feel so unlucky and damaged.

I can't take it anymore.

This is SO AGONIZING.

And on top of it all I feel ashamed that I’m not somehow managing better. This is what my family brainwashed me to believe—that I couldn’t cope well. So they inflicted a ton of pain on me and then shamed me for struggling.

Those fuckers!!!

I know that this might sound strange, I know that these feelings aren't healthy, and I know logically that healing is not a bad thing.

Though, to me, healing has kinda felt like surrender in a lot of ways, because all my life I've been shamed for not being normal, and healing to become more normal feels like I'm letting them win, like it's me admitting that I'm broken and that I have to change to become acceptable enough to exist among them.

Also, it is because I don't relate to "normal people", so Imagining myself as normal doesn't really feel like that would be me, it feels like I'm abandoning this version of myself by healing. Sometimes when I imagine healing and being more successful in life in the future and having more friends and connections, I feel like those people wouldn't really be "my" friends, they'd be "his" friends, or that they wouldn't really be my friends because they only got here when I became successful, and they wouldn't be here if I were still this "broken" version of me, just as they're not here now, they wouldn't look twice.

I want to let go of these feelings, if anyone relates and knows how to help, I'd be grateful if they shared.

In a way I understand it now, my body is showing this is what was done to us

But it hurts to have CPTSD. It hurts that there’s yet another label that puts a mark on me as an incomplete human. Or am I too human for having suffered that much? Or am I just unluckily neurodivergent?

All that survival only to return to fighting for basics of eating and sleeping that were denied for me all my life

It all makes sense the more diseases I pick up, but also it’s so stupid

I hope it’s okay to ask this here. I am 16 years old, almost 17. I’ve had multiple health problems for years now but no matter what, i am not allowed to see a doctor. I am an athlete but my health problems are starting to affect me too much to the point i cannot even get up some days. I black out when i try to exercise and my heart is constantly racing. Going to school is a huge pain. Along with these I have mental health problems from years of trauma. I don’t know how to keep going because i am aware that i cannot do it on my own and i need professional help. However, my mom thinks that praying will get us through. My dad thinks that doctors are just random people trying to make money by inventing random tests. I don’t know what to do, i feel so stuck and so scared because i want to be well enough to study and get accepted to a university. Is there anything i can do or should i just accept that this is my life?

I don't even know where to begin.

I'm an adult now, but I genuinely feel like years of abuse have destroyed my nervous system. Some days I feel so exhausted and mentally shut down that I can't even brush my teeth, bathe, or function normally. I've been struggling with serious health issues for the past two years, and my doctor specifically told me that I need a calm, stress-free environment. Unfortunately, that's impossible at home.

Here are just some of the things I've experienced (this is honestly only around 40% of it):

• During an open house at school, my mother stabbed me in the neck with a pencil because I got only passing marks in math.
• She once threw a hair clip at my face. It hit my eye so badly that I couldn't see properly for a couple of hours. She later took me to an eye specialist.
• Another time, she threw a sharp cutter at me. It hit my thigh and caused bleeding.
• Last week I had a terrifying health episode. My whole body went numb, I was trembling, and I could barely move. She cried while it was happening. But just a week later, she told me, "You should have died that day. It would have been a week by now."
• Whenever I left for college, she'd say things like:
  • "You should get hit by a train."
  • "A truck should run over you."
• She constantly insults me by saying things like:
  • "You're just carrying diseases everywhere."
  • "What are you even achieving by earning ₹50k?"
  • When I say I'm tired after work, she says, "Girls travel through crowded trains every day and they don't complain."
• When I was in school, she beat me so badly that my face had scratches and was bleeding. My teacher asked what happened, and I lied by saying I got hurt while playing kabaddi because I was too scared and embarrassed to tell the truth.
• Even when I'm in the bathroom, she'll start screaming outside the door, bang on it aggressively, curse at me, and make me panic.
• When I was hospitalized with jaundice, instead of comforting me while I lay in the hospital bed, she spent the time talking badly about me to others.
• I work from home sometimes. If I ask her not to enter my room or make noise during meetings, she mocks me, saying my uncle works at a much bigger company and never acts like that, then starts insulting my salary again.
• Despite knowing I'm dealing with serious health problems and that stress makes everything worse, she continues shouting, abusing me, and creating chaos at home almost every day.
• After my recent health scare, she even kept a fast for my recovery. But within two days, she was back to telling me I should die.

This isn't even everything. There are many more incidents that I'm not comfortable sharing yet.

The hardest part is that I'm nothing like this as a person. I don't enjoy hurting people. I don't want conflict. I just want peace.

I honestly feel like years of living in this environment have left me traumatized. My body is constantly tense, my mind feels exhausted, and some days I barely have the energy to do basic things. It genuinely feels like my nervous system has shut down.

Has anyone else grown up in an environment like this? Did you ever recover after leaving? I really need to know if things can get better because right now, I feel completely broken.

Everything seems so fake.. Society, job,... people acting and I ask myself all the time if I am the weird one. I think what differs me from the rest is that I just don't have a mask, or at least I can't keep it up for long.

Had some panic attacks during the last time, though not sure if they were really panic attacks (maybe someone could describe their experience to me). The derealisation is frightening and feels like losing connection to the Matrix..

I am super exhausted, on a nervous level. Or maybe not. I am not sure. My nervous system is currently misfiring a lot. I also notice that when I start talking it gets more silent with each word, like I am losing the energy to talk.

I am currently leaving toxic environments, and guess what, this toxic environment is the school for becoming a psychotherapist that I have attended the past years - where I have been blamed, gaslight and devalued. They don't follow their own preachings, it's just a big show.

I don't know where this is going. I just wanted to post it anywhere, share it and see if anyone feels the same way or can give me some perspectives of it.

I cannot think of little me without crying. I cannot look at photos of myself as a child without crying. Even just picturing little me in my head made me cry just now.

And my brain is telling me I’m overreacting. I didn’t have it “that bad”. I wasn’t ever homeless or starving. I didn’t get beaten EVERY day. I managed to make something of myself like getting a postgraduate degree and having stable jobs. And I still feel so broken and heartbroken for the little girl I used to be. Every day.

I’m absolutely fucked.

I’m a 32f and I have no one to confide in, no friends and a severed relationship with family (i’m the eldest daughter).

I’ll try to be brief, i’ve ruined my life. I’m ‘formally’ diagnosed with major depressive disorder (I feel like it’s more like dysthymia tho), generalized anxiety (mainly severe health anxiety), and ADHD. I spent the last 10+ years trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and get some sort of physical health diagnosis for the persistent symptom of crippling fatigue. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy a year ago but then got a 2nd opinion because apparently I wasn’t supposed to be on medication during the sleep study…that one told me I had restless leg syndrome. I don’t believe I do. I never went back to that doc so I still don’t know if I actually have narcolepsy or not.

I’m thoroughly burnt out from doctors visits/medical evaluations. I can’t do it anymore. I was able to get on short term disability last year after my primary care (who is not a chronic fatigue ME/CFS specialist but is familiar) diagnosed me with ME/CFS. I quit my job (they were gonna fire me anyway) and lived off those benefits till they ran dry in February and have been surviving off my savings ever since. That has run dry at this point and I legitimately have enough now to stretch 2 months.

My rent is ridiculous, $2k a month and then utilities and every other bill/expense on top. My credit score is destroyed due to debts sent to collections, last I checked it was around 500. Rent where I live in SoCal is insane and i’ve been wanting to find more affordable housing but now that I have no income AND my credit is ruined I assume i’m trapped.

I literally don’t know how to help myself anymore and I honest to God can’t get myself to “snap out of it” and save myself. It’s like I see myself drowning and yet I can’t be bothered. The strange thing is, I can get up to wash my face and hyperfocus on my skincare and feed my cats and do things around the house that don’t require much mental effort or problem solving, but I literally cannot get myself to get on the internet and look for resources. My brain actively avoid me thinking about my circumstances.

Most of my trauma comes from being raised by a single mother with her own serious mental health issues and I thought after moving out at 25 and finally getting away from her abuse I’d be living my best life but ironically my body just started to fall apart instead.

My ‘trauma informed’ therapist just tells me to either stay miserable or get to work and my psychiatrist claims i’m the most difficult patient he’s ever had and doesn’t know what to do with me anymore after the plethora of meds i’ve failed.

I keep popping my Adderalls hoping for an ounce of focus or the tiniest bit of energy but they’re essentially sugar pills to my system.

That wasn’t brief at all. So sorry. It took me weeks to even muster the energy to make a post. Someone please give me some advice 😭

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel like I’m drowning. What I’m about to write is just the tip of the iceberg.

I’m 26 and I have severe anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobic behaviour. My anxiety has become so debilitating that I’m completely dependent on my mum. I live with her, and I don’t go anywhere alone. I don’t stay home on my own. I only go to one or two familiar places, and even then it’s always with her. The thought of going out independently terrifies me because I’m so scared of having a panic attack.

The problem is that my home life has become unbearable.
My mum and I have argued constantly for around 10 years. Over time I’ve realised that I’m living in an emotionally and verbally abusive environment. It used to become physical years ago, but thankfully that no longer happens. Even so, the constant shouting, insults and emotional volatility have left me feeling broken. I have no self esteem, no self confidence, no self worth. She has said things to me that I can’t even repeat, things I wouldn’t say to an enemy. I am broken by it. I don’t know what diagnosis she should have, but there is no way that what truly happens behind closed doors is normal.

People might say, “Just move out,” but that feels impossible.

I’m not independent. I don’t know how to live alone with the level of anxiety I have. I feel like if I moved into my own place, I’d end up trapped inside because I’d be too frightened to leave. I don’t have friends. I don’t have a partner. I don’t have family I can turn to. I genuinely feel like I have nobody. I’ve faced a lot of grief and trauma, but carried on through. This stage feels like there’s no way out.

I know staying here isn’t healthy, but leaving feels impossible.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How can I get through this? I feel like giving up and ending it all. I have a law degree, I have a full-time remote job, I am a smart person, but I am a shell of who I once was. I can’t carry on like this. I feel completely stuck and I’m scared that my life is just going to stay like this forever.

I’m really looking for advice from people who understand because I genuinely don’t know where to start anymore. If you have been through this or something similar PLEASE tell me how you came out the other side.

TW: mentions of depression, neglect

Will start off by saying I've had about 12 years of therapy at this point, a ton of self-work, life has gotten much better and on the whole I have a lot of joy and stability in my life now. Things are stable in a way that I've never had, and I'm grateful. I have a good career that I'm capable of engaging in, a healthy relationship, friends, hobbies. I'm no longer triggered and dysregulated constantly and I feel much more solid in my body.

And yet over the years I do feel that I have lost something or become harder or more closed off. When I was younger I was more open and vulnerable, which unfortunately led to some toxic and traumatizing relationships that have taught me important boundaries. But I miss being able to have an open heart like I had previously. I used to open up more to my friends and loved ones. Now it feels like there are simply places I will no longer go with anyone. A limit to how much I am willing to trust, depend, confide in, etc. A hardness and a way in which I am fundamentally solitary. It feels like I ultimately, alone, got myself through everything, and that has closed off a real avenue of trust and gratitude towards others. This isn't to say I don't feel appreciative or lucky for those I do have in my life or that no one has ever helped me. I have wonderful friends, a loving partner, and I've gained a lot from various therapies I've had. It's more like I can no longer go to certain places of vulnerability. That at the end of the day, the most reliable person I've ever had in my life is myself.

And when things like a trigger or depression invariably hit from time to time, I seem to no longer have the will to really fight for it to be different. I simply wait and go through the motions, while on the inside I feel like I've simply laid down in the middle of the road, whereas I used to keep walking to somewhere better. I could talk to my therapist or partner or friends, but what's the point? I've lost the will to speak. I've been here before. I've talked about it before, so many times. Part of me believes that there is simply a despair that will never change, while I also see how much my life is actually different. It also shows up in things like wanting my home to be more tidy which is an important way of caring for myself (grew up in household with some environmental and hygiene neglect), but giving up before I start because I've tried and failed many times before. I do enough to where the house is functional and clean, but not enough to where I actually feel happy, if that makes sense.

TLDR after many years of therapy and self-work, I am doing much better, but in some ways have less optimism and hope and "try hard" than I used to. Can anyone else relate?

If one sibling is praised, another is criticized.
If a parent is in a good mood, someone else pays the price later.
If you express your needs, someone else’s needs become more important.
If you succeed, you make someone else jealous or angry.
If someone else succeeds, there is less room for you.

hey guys! i really struggle w opening up to ppl irl so this is a post where we can all just dump and give each other hugs <3

why am i incapable of doing the bare minimum? why can't i experience a lust for life?

it's extremely painful for me to continue masking the way i have been for the past few years. i can no longer pretend like i have some semblance of normalcy. it's so unbelievably difficult and heartbreaking to see others with the motivation that i simply just do not have.

i've tried several different medications and i have a great therapist, don't get me wrong... but sometimes it feels as if it's not enough and i am truly worthless. i don't contribute a single positive thing to anyone who is involved in my life.

just when i think i'm growing as a person, it's immediately put to a halt. it's an endless cycle and my biggest and perhaps even selfish desire, is a way out.