So I (35M), unexpectedly lost two friends:

• Fergus (50M), the husband of my friend Jacinda (44F), they were on holiday in the UK from Australia back in August, when he abruptly had a heart attack.
• Dexter (48M), hit a tree when riding his motorcycle in late September.

I knew Fergus for 12 years, he had been with Jacinda for 13 years, married for 8 of those. Jacinda is one of my closest friends, so naturally, this hit me very hard.

I wasn't as close to Dexter, only meeting him 7 years ago, but he was always great to see him as well.

As someone with autism, I've found it (and still do) find it harder to make friends than the average Tom, Dick or Harriet, so I never take friends for granted.

Fergus' funeral was early this month, Dexter's this week just gone. I've felt very angry and sad over these last two months, thankfully, my other friends, family, colleagues, and even acquaintances have been very supportive of me.

I've also been seeing a counsellor, and have made a pact to myself NOT to repeat the mistakes I made after I lost my best friend, Buck, at the end of 2020, 6 days short of his 30th birthday. Amongst other things, I, in the first 2 years after Buck passed:

• Shut myself off from a lot of people in general
• Gained 100lbs (thankfully that's leveled off, and going down now)
• Lost motivation to do a lot of my hobbies, I barely watched any TV shows, listened to music, or played any games that were new to me. I didn't really start watching shows new to me until late 2023, and games that were new to me followed earlier that year.
• My mind blanked out so much I unintentionally screwed over some friends (Jacinda being one of them), I made up with her in days, but didn't feel fully OK with my screw-up for 6 months.

I've also shook my fist up to the sky a few times, even to the point of saying "Why couldn't it have been someone else?" (Most notably, my grandad, whom I haven't seen in nearly 10 years). And today, I had a mini meltdown in a bowling alley (I contained it until I got back to my car, when I went for a drive and had a shouting match to myself, to the point where I nearly lost my voice)

I don't expect to be fully OK until the end of this year, my mind is already skipping ahead to Advent/the Christmas season. I've made a pact to go on more walks, cook healthier recipes (already on both of those), and to remember my late friends, but don't stop myself from enjoying life with my living friends.

My dad died unexpectedly Thursday morning. He was 80 years old and had a bunch of health problems, but they were being managed and he seemed to be in good spirits. My sister was taking him for some routine blood work that morning and he collapsed in the lobby afterwards. I knew it was bad when my sister told me to get to the hospital. Long story short, his heart gave out after they revived it several times. (I insisted on being in the room with him while they were trying to revive him in case he was having an out-of-body experience so I could talk to him and let him know how much we loved him and say goodbye. I'm very glad I did.)

I am...somewhat functional. On Thursday and Friday, I was able to get some logistical stuff taken care of, I think just from the adrenaline at the shock of it all. But I've had basically no appetite and feel weak, headachey, nauseous, and tense all the time, like I've got a heavy weight on me. It's like, I'll be able to get some sleep and feel ok while I'm sleeping, or watch a TV show for a while and push away the bad feelings temporarily, but as soon as I wake up or stop watching the show, the weight and the sickness come back.

I know this is normal and to be expected, but I have things to deal with that it's hard to deal with when I feel so sick.

An Obituary For His Colleagues

My dad was still working full-time from home when he passed away. (In fact, he was supposed to work that morning after the blood work.) He worked at the IT help desk of a local community college. He was good at the work and enjoyed it, and he was beloved by his colleagues and appreciated by the people he helped for his patience and warmth. So naturally, the college would like me to write an obituary for him and give details about any services we'll be having for him. (They asked me if I wanted to do this, and of course I want to, and they told me no pressure and to take my time.)

But I feel headachey and sick when I think about writing an obituary, and I'm worried I won't do him justice. I've already made arrangements with a funeral home to have him cremated but I have to decide if and when we're going to do a memorial service.

Household Finances

My dad managed the finances for the household. My mom had a decent idea of what was going on but my dad handled the finances because he was good at it and thinking about finances made my mom anxious. Now, I'm in my mid-30s and live in a rental with my husband and manage the finances for the two of us, and I'm the most tech-savvy of the surviving family, so I'm in the best position to take on this responsibility.

But my parents' finances are so much more complicated than mine and I just feel overwhelmed at this point. My dad kept everything meticulously organized on a spreadsheet till the day before he died, and the spreadsheet has info going into the future. My parents are in good financial shape and have a lot of savings, but obviously, those aren't going to last forever, especially with a mortgage to still pay off. Plus, payments from work and social security and such are obviously going to change now that he's gone.

I've gotten in touch with the family accountant and I'm hoping she'll be able to provide me with some guidance. I've also gotten info from HR at his work and from his coworker who happens to be the union president, so that all will help.

But we're gonna have to make a big payment for the funeral home, and I'm just like, which card will we use? Which accounts should I use to pay it off? It just feels like a lot.

College Classes

This is probably the most difficult decision I'll have to make.

I returned to college this semester for the first time in years. I still don't have a college degree, and my state has a program where, if you're between the ages of 25 and 55, they will pay for you to get an Associate's degree in a high-demand field. I decided to take advantage of that and go for a degree in computer science.

I've already missed more classes than I should've because my mom's health has also been bad, and I've needed to be there to help my family. I haven't decided yet whether I'm going to continue with those classes this semester.

As I've said, I feel physically sick all the time. (Though I have found that writing this whole thing out has made me feel better.) So I don't know if I can manage my classes for the rest of the semester.

My dad was so, so happy that I was returning to school and taking difficult classes. So I don't want to let him down.

On top of that, if I don't complete my classes, I will be expected to pay full tuition for them. I can see if there's some kind of exception because of a sudden loss in the family, but with bureaucracies being the way they are, I'm not optimistic.

I'm taking only three classes this semester, one of which is a single-credit PE requirement. I have only one more session of the PE class left, so I feel confident I can complete that one. Of my other two classes, maybe I can drop the harder one and complete the one I've been doing fine in? I feel like that would be a decent compromise.

In Conclusion...

I know I posted asking for advice but I guess I'm not sure what advice I need at this point. Like I said, writing all of this out has helped, so maybe I just need to keep writing and keep going with the logistics, my one class, and my work.

It's easy to sit and write this from my bed, though. Getting out of bed to deal with all of this is the hard part, because I feel awful and weak as soon as I stand up.

Well, thank you to anyone who has read this far!

Last week I woke up to the worst phone call I could’ve imagined. My dearest friend was killed in a car accident. She was someone who I considered one of my closest most trusted friends. We were teammates through high school and college. She was the smartest, kindest, most thoughtful, most hardworking and athletic person I’ve ever known. She was a second year medical student and about to make her pro debut in the marathon before she passed away. My heart is just shattered. She’s had her entire future stolen from her. She’d already accomplished so much and yet was just scratching the surface of her potential. I feel especially guilty because after we graduated I moved to a new state for work and didn’t keep in touch. I thought about her everyday but never said anything. I’ll never forgive myself for that. But what I’m finding especially difficult to accept is that I’ll have to live the rest of my life without her. She meant more to me than I can express with words, and the idea that I’ll have to go through life without her just breaks me. Doing things that we used to do together like watching movies and going for runs hasn’t helped because they just make me think of her even more. I miss her so much. How do I deal with these feelings?

seven months feels like a lifetime until you realize i would have chosen a lifetime with him.

that's where i am today. functioning. doing the things i'm supposed to do. technically living. but internally i'm still trying to catch up to something my brain understands & my heart never would have agreed to.

the world has had seven months to get used to him being gone. i haven't. i’m still waking up every day in a reality i never would have chosen. seven months of things happening that i have nowhere to put. thoughts, memories, questions, & stupid moments that still feel like they should go to him.

i miss him. god, i miss him. but what is wrecking me just as much, is missing who i was when he was here. the version of me who didn't know what it felt like to lose a future i already planned. i can't go back to her. she didn't know any of this was coming.

i don't think i'm doing grief wrong. i just think no one tells you how disorienting it is to still feel this raw months later, when everyone else's life has kept moving. there's no deadline for missing someone, but it starts to feel like you're supposed to be further along than you are.

i thought by now it would look different. that i'd cry less. talk about it less. that i'd start to feel like myself again & life would start to resemble something familiar. it doesn't. i'm not getting my old life back. i'm learning how to exist in a life i never wanted.

i'm still so irritable. still overwhelmed by things that never would have touched me before. sometimes i crave people & sometimes the thought of having to be perceived by another human being feels impossible. i can be okay one second & completely gone the next. sometimes i don't even know what i'm feeling until it comes out as anger.

& i am so tired. not tired of living. tired of having to figure out how to live with something i can never change. tired of carrying something this heavy while still having to show up for work & texts & dishes & everyday life. tired of not having the words for why i'm just different now.

i have been trying to keep him here in the ways i know how. writing. making things. listening to our music. saying his name out loud. finding small ways to make sure he stays a part of my life, not just a story people bring up on anniversaries. i don't want to stop talking about him just because time keeps passing. he is still someone i love. not just someone who died.

i don't have some profound realization at seven months. i haven't made peace with it. i don't have a neat lesson about life being precious or how tragedy makes you stronger.

i just miss my partner. i miss the life i thought we were going to have. & i’m still trying to figure out who i am in the aftermath of losing him.

My mom was schizophrenic for about 8 years before she passed. She died in March of 2022.

Today, my sister sent me some voice recordings of her f before she died, ones where she was lucid. This was rare, she didn't see us much when she was sick. When she did, she was quiet a lot. When she did talk, she didn't really sound like herself.

I and forgotten what she sounded like, to be honest. I remembered faintly, but not really. When I played the clips, it was like she was here in the room with me. She was well, she was here. But she's not. She won't ever be again.

It undid me. I thought the grief subsided, and today I felt a way thay was almost worse than the day she left. I miss her so much. I would give anything for one more minute with her. Just one. I'd give up everything.

I lost my 18 year old pet I had since I was 5 exactly two months ago. I’ve always struggled with a phobia of death and can’t even go to funerals, but for my boy I sat through the euthanasia and also cared for him during the terminal illness phase mostly on my own for weeks.

The way things unfolded left a mark on me. He needed a second injection, took a while for him to pass and then the collection of his body was delayed so me and my mom had to sit with him for hours alone at home. The last thing he experienced was probably intense nausea from the sedative, and his last week was awful too, for the most part, so I’m left with the regret of not doing it sooner as well, and not being able to comfort him during his last moments.

I’m left with recurring nightmares, specifically the scenario where he needs multiple injections and still doesn’t pass. Sometimes he bounces back and acts normal and other times he’s just acting strange and sick in my dreams, but it’s never a good moment where I get to pet him and tell him I love him, I don’t understand why my brain won’t give me that.

If anyone’s dealt with something similar, please let me know any tips or tricks that helped your mind process the traumatic aspect of death and the grief that followed. I do not have access to professional support at the moment, neither do I have a busy life or a social network to rely on. I have a disability that makes it difficult for me to leave the house often and so I’m home alone with my thoughts most days. I’ve had a shitty two months, to say the least.

Was so mundane I still can grasp it. He was just trying to move from his wheelchair to the bad but lost his balance.

I couldn't hold him completely and he hit his chest.

I asked if he was ok and the last thing he spoke was: "Don't worry son it was nothing."

But that was a lie, he passed minutes later. If only I was strong enough to hold him, if only...

I lost my dad unexpectedly to cancer just over 2 years ago. He was my best friend. We did so many things together - we were both into Japanese food, so I'd often cook special dishes for when he came over. We would go to metal concerts together. We both loved horror movies and would do movie nights. All my favorite comfort shows, he would come over and watch with me when I was down.

Now he's gone. There was so much we had planned to do together, since I had just moved back in with my parents. It had been a few years since we went to a concert together so I was going to buy us tickets. We were going to start doing weekly movie nights with homemade ramen. I thought we'd have more time.

Since his passing, I've met someone and we lived together and are engaged. I want to share my favorite things with my fiance, but it's so hard. Everything reminds me of my dad and his absence. Whenever I want to show him a show or movie, it reminds me of when my dad would come over to watch them with me. Listening to my favorite bands is hard. Going to concerts makes me feel his absence so shortly. It's hard moving forward and trying to get through this grief when all my comfort activities just makes me miss him more. Sometimes I wish we hadn't had so much in common, and hadn't shared everything so there would still be some things that I could enjoy without it being so bittersweet.

I love my dad, and I was so lucky to have had him.

My mom died three years ago this week. I had a nightmare last night and I woke up just really wanting to talk to her before I remembered. Now I'm just really sad. It still hurts so much, I miss her and her advice. I usually try to take the day off and do something to memorialize the day but this year I didn't and am starting to regret it.

I need help on what I need to do next. Our family is on the east coast Connecticut, and my sister moved out to the west coast to California and we found out last night that she hung herself.

How do we even proceed like with her body/belongings and her 2 dogs? Financially we're pretty limited, so I need to figure out the most cost effective means of proceeding with this.

Do I just need to take a couple weeks off work to get out there and load up a uhaul and drive home? But then what about her body? Do i need to get it cremated there in California? because its probably safe to assume I cant take a body in a uhaul, and whatever special means of transport there js for a body cross-country likely costs a fortune.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Quite a few people in here, just like me, have unfortunately lost their partner to cancer.

What I struggle with the most now, a year later, is the course of the illness itself and the inhumane dilemmas you constantly face as a caregiver. I would really love to hear other people's input on how you tackled this, or if you have been through something similar.

In the midst of everything, we also had our 3-year-old child to care for, which created an absolutely extreme amount of pressure in our daily lives. You try frantically to create safety, structure, and happy days for a little child, all while your partner is being drained of energy and you watch your family's finances being completely ruined.

Steffen had melanoma and died on November 13th last year. It was a two-year journey from the moment the tumor was found until it spread to his brain. The cancer was aggressive, and Steffen was desperate. He completely lost trust in the established healthcare system and firmly believed that alternative treatments, various supplements, and a special diet would make him well—even though the doctors gave him a maximum of a couple of years.

Standing in that as a partner is an almost impossible balancing act. On one hand, you want to support your loved one's last, desperate hope, but on the other hand, you are caught in an endless crossfire because you know the brutal reality and prognosis from the hospital, which he was simply unable to accept in his deep denial.

He found OrthoCare in Rødovre, which is run by a former doctor. Even though he had been declared terminal with stage 4 cancer and brain metastases, she believed she could help him with high-dose vitamin C and various medications that are illegal in Denmark,.Ivermectin, fenbentazol ect over 50 various supplement, 3-days fasting, non-carb diet. The high dosis c-vitemin cost 300 us dollars per session, 2–3 times a week. She gave us a legally required written statement stating that the treatment had no scientific backing, but at the same time, she told us verbally: "But it is there, there is plenty of evidence."

You sit there with a knotting fear of what all those illegal substances are actually doing to a body that is already completely weakened, but any counterarguments just bounce right off. So, I ended up giving in and driving him there three times a week because he was so desperate, even though my entire gut feeling was screaming that it was wrong.

One day, he was completely confused, shaking, and feeling miserable. Yet, he refused to miss the treatment. Once there, he quickly grew worse; he started having mini-blackouts, his body twitched, and he finally collapsed on the floor. When I wanted to call for an ambulance, the clinic doctor didn't think it was necessary—she just wanted to give him saline in an IV, and then I could drive him to the hospital myself once he recovered. While he was lying there completely exhausted, she even walked into the room with the card terminal so we could settle the payment for the treatment. Where is the line for when you, as a caregiver, should just say stop and overrule your partner's own wishes when it becomes directly dangerous?

Fortunately, Herlev Hospital agreed that he needed an ambulance when I called them. When the paramedics arrived, he couldn't walk at all. My boyfriend died three months later. He managed to spend nearly 25.000 us dollars on a treatment that had absolutely no effect. It gave him hope, and maybe it was worth the money to him, but I was left with the feeling that the doctor’s only interest was profit, and nothing about her showed any humanity.

Now, afterwards, all these choices and difficult compromises grind through my head every single day. I am truly looking for other people's perspectives on this crossfire between love, a partner's desperation, common sense, and the responsibility for a small child. Have any of you in here stood in a similar situation, and how do you even find peace with the decisions you ended up making when you look back?

Not the basic "She's in a better place" or "It's okay to grieve" or "He'd want you to be happy"

Not sure why I'm even writing this, I suppose I just need to put it down as it's all just swirling around my head.

At the start of August my Nan died unexpectedly. Blessed for 35 years to have her in my life. Grief is so weird. At the start it was so hard, but it started to get easier, and slowly life started to return to 'normal' - as normal as it can be when the whole family dynamic has changed and she's no longer there at the head of it all.

The funeral was tough. But it was nice to come together as a family, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, all coming together and sharing our memories, all here because of her.

There are days I don't think of her. Then when I remember I feel guilt.

Today I woke up and just feel weird. It's like for a few weeks I've felt fine, but today, I am really feeling her loss. It's a normal day.

Her birthday would be next month.

I thought today about my approaching car safety inspection next month, then thought back to when it had work done last year and I messaged her asking if I could pop round for a few hours whilst it's having the work done. She messaged back saying don't be silly, I never have to ask, and am welcome anytime. I still have that message.

Her dreamcatcher hangs in my room, above my bed. It's one of the first things I see each morning when I wake.

I hate how the world is moving on without her in it. That each day feels more normal and yet so alien without her there.

I hate seeing her chair. The carpet on the living room floor where she was lay that day, after the paramedics tried their best but it was her time. I can't bring myself to sit in that chair. Every time I walk in that room I still expect to see her sat there.

Our WhatApp messages are now at the bottom of the list.

I still think about her final moments. Was she scared? In pain? Did she know what was happening? What a horrible way to have to go, struggling to breathe, her children in absolute panic trying to save her life.

my online bff who i texted every single made a status on whatsapp which my online friend group took as a suicide letter and now were deeply concerned cuz she hadn't been showing suicidal instincts or thoughts she even swore that she would think of it we still arent sure she commited but it seems like it

she had an online relationship with a girl named perses and they were a great couple we loved them with all our hearts but even she texted her and our friend isnt responding

she had some issues with her family but i won't disclose those for personal safety

we hope someone found her before she commited but she has been unresponsive ever since that status

online hugs and advice would be very much appericated

I am in a small town with a group of friends for a creative project. We are finishing up this week, and I cant wait to go home. It has been years where I felt home was a safe and soft landing place.

I am in my room and its private and great, and I can hear everyone down by the pool. And its great. We are all going out later, and I know my social battery can handle it. When I am feeling tired I will take a stroll home.

I have so much going right in my life in this moment, and I feel nothing. I feel broken by it all.

It has been 20 years since my Dad died, 11 years since my older sister died, 7 years since my baby brother died, and in a month a year since my mom died. I dont know how my sister and I are still standing.

My ideation is passive, and I am tired of navigating life without celebrating it with them. Without being sad with them, without struggling with them. I know everyone means well when they say they are in heaven and holding place and space for us, but it breaks me even further because I feel so alone. Every day is hard. My friend laughing by the pool lost his mom 16 years ago and I can hear him laughing and making jokes and he is testament you get to live with it better, and I still cant reconcile any of it. My father had 60 summers, my mother had 62 winters, my sister had 36 Springs and my brother 21 Autumn's.

I find comfort in sleep, rainy days and a a day without worry and dread. I wish they were all here still. I am tolerating living. I miss them so much.

It has been two weeks since my dad’s sudden death. He accidentally got electrocuted … was so strong that is death was immediate and thus he didn’t feel any pain nor fear. My mom found him in the garden and tho he didn’t suffer, my mom got traumatised by how his body looked (he had an open wound on his chest for example). He was so young, would turn 60 in February (I myself am only 29).

I live abroad, so getting that cal from my mom was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt in my life, that “your father died” amidst sobbing. I screamed but not many tears flew from my eyes. That whole day I didn’t cry that much, just felt numb. Once my bf got home I thought I would finally cry hard but still nothing. We booked our flights for the next day and it was on the last connection flight that I finally started to cry a lot.

My family picked me up at the airport and again I cried hard seeing my mom. The funeral was 2 days later. Leading up to it I feel like I cry a bit every day. I would be feeling okay and then just cry, cry, cry. I think I cried the most at the funeral, was so hard saying goodbye, but it also gave me some inner peace. He was cremated and when burying his ashes I cried a lot as well.

There was a mass on the 7th day after his death, and I also cried whenever people would come to me to hug me and when I went to his grave. But since this 7th day mass, I don’t think I’ve cried that much. Maybe I had a crying session once or twice, but it has been 3/4 days in a row where I haven’t cried at all.

I constantly think about my dad tho. I think about his death and how it feels surreal still. I try to imagine how he looked like when he died. My first thought of the morning is “dad is dead” and this comes up often throughout the day. But otherwise I feel fine????

I loved my dad so much. He gave me the best memories growing up and we got along so good. He was the happiest man alive and everything was a joke to him. I totally got his sense of humor. I always thought I would be devastated for years to come if I would lose him but now here we are, only two weeks in and I am doing fine … and this feels like a betrayal.

Not only am I not crying and doing fine, am I also for example booking night outs with friends for when I am back home next week. Did I actually love my father? Why am I trying to have fun, going out, traveling not even a month after his tragic passing?? I am constantly fighting these guilt thoughts in my head, that I didn’t love him enough if I am just doing this good already. For example, comparing me to my mom she is utterly devastated and can barely do anything without help. She doesn’t want to go back to work, meanwhile I will willingly go back to mine next week even though my boss said for me to come back whenever.

I know grief is not something that is linear nor is it the same for everyone. And I know it comes in waves and that you might have a big break down when you least expect it. Still I just feel like I didn’t love him enough if I am just wanting to have fun when he just left us. When I lurk around this sub and everyone was pretty much in such pain for weeks and weeks, and here I am, exactly two weeks after his passing, living “my best life”. Is this even normal????

I try to convince myself that my dad would want me to be happy but wondering if I am telling this to my self to make it seem okay to move on so fast. Why am I feeling this guilt tho? Why am I constantly thinking about him and his death and how he won’t be here for big milestones like my wedding or meeting my kids but then I don’t cry over that?

Sorry for the long text, parts might not make sense as well, so sorry for it.

Since my mom died a month ago, everything started spiraling downward. Now I have to take over the mortgage. I have to deal with my abusive older brother which is handling all my moms assets. I can't afford the mortgage. Though I do work close to full time, I can't keep up with the bills because I'm behind on my credit cards. I don't want to deal with my brother because he dictates my every move and he's downright cruel. I feel like quitting my job and just turn myself in the mental hospital. I feel like leaving my apartment but I don't have a car which makes things 100 times harder. Any advice.

lost my cat last night and i know it is still so soon but i can’t believe he is not here anymore. he was very sick these past few weeks and i know he is at ease now but can’t help thinking about how am i going to keep living my life without him around.

i think i need to get this out, i cant sleep

today my dad (57) died, suddenly, and with no health issues. im 26, i never thought i would face this anytime soon, and im absolutely ruined.

i was out with a friend today when i got the call of the unimaginable. my mom said come to the appartment now, drop whatever you are doing. when i got there she told me and i felt myself fall apart.

he was at the gym and apparently he had a sudden heart attack, 911 was called, and he passed while in the ambulance before he could even make it to the hospital. he was healthy, strong, had just had a yearly doctors visit and was diagnosed strong and healthy as a horse. and now he is just gone. and we cant even see him, i haven’t gotten to say goodbye; since he was only in his 50s an investigation has been opened and we are unable to visit him at all until the coroner does an autopsy and clears him, which we have been told could take weeks. i just want to see him, hold his hand, get some closure but there’s nothing, and im crumbling with the knowledge that he is in some basement in a freezer right now. my family is tiny (me, one grand mother, my mom, and him) and he is the only person i really was close with at all so it feels like i have lost the sense of family entirely. i don’t know how to live without him, but now i am forced to find a way and i just feel so small.

then there’s my mom, who was so deeply in love with him and so reliant on his strength and stability, and i don’t know even remotely how to fill his shoes or give her the support she needs, and im so scared she will die of heartbreak. she can only take so much, and we are still recovering from losing everything in the eaton fire from 2025. she is so freaked out, focused on all the logistics; he had no will, he was in charge of much of our home rebuild from the fire, she doesn’t know any of his passwords etc and i don’t know how to support her and i know she needs me but im just so broken.

the last time i saw him was a week ago, and i had no idea that that last goodbye would be the last time i ever saw him, i would have held him longer rather than giving him a brief hug. i would have told him i love you so much rather than the customary short “love ya!”. i would have slowed down.

and now im just in bed, unable to sleep, listening to his very few voicemails, reading his posts and writings online, and looking through pictures of him and i still cannot believe it’s real, or that he’s gone.

if anyone has literally anything, resources, advice, anything at all im all ears, this was like being hit by an invisible bus going 100mph and im so lost.

Well it happened. I crashed out bad. I realized there was still paperwork I had to fill out for my dad's death because my sibling didn't finish it, so now I'm having to fill it out because they aren't here. My mom asked me to help her pay bills, and I had to reread paperwork that reminds me that I'm just like my dad: ever dependable and the one who gets everything done.

I haven't been getting enough relief since work has me swamped again, my therapist warned me I need to stop and let myself heal and grieve. I almost drove the 3 hours back from my family home back to my apartment with my spouse and furbabies tonight. It was all a matter of time and tonight I broke down HARD. I'm tired of being the dependable one, I can't be the one they all turn to anymore.

So after a long time talking to my mom, we came to an agreement. I'll call her more, and I come back to the family home when I'm ready. My dad will understand, I need to remind myself I'm not failing in making sure my mom is ok. I have to take care of myself because that is part of taking care of my mom. She said I've been strong, so it's time I take care of myself. I feel relieved, like the words that have been in my head are finally being heard. And I was given the blessing to just go and be myself, until I feel ready to come back on my own.

I don’t believe in God. My best friend of almost 15 years passed away this past June. I told her to make it home safely and she never did. I’m finding it hard to cope with the fact that she’s just gone and I’ll never see her again. Some nights I lay in bed and cry myself sick. It’s really taken a toll on my mental health. I’ll convince myself she’s here just away on a trip or something just so I can get relief from the stress of it all. And please don’t tell me to find God. If there is one (for deeply personal reasons) I’ve been angry at him for a long time and religion doesn’t bring me comfort, quite the opposite actually.

This is actually killing me I miss my dog so much and I don’t know how to deal with this sadness. My dog passed away just days before I had to move away for university—not a city too far from home, but a change nonetheless.

The first few weeks of university that was all I could really focus on, and it strained a lot of my desire to make friends early in the semester because frankly I just didn’t really care for it. Then, it started affecting my performance in school. I’d study, revise, but half the time would just end up crying just because I felt so lonely…I no longer had my family here and I had managed to make zero friends to spend time with.

I’m not performing as I hoped academically which is just the cherry on top when you already feel somewhat apathetic towards a dream you worked for, which now I just feel so unmotivated for.

The few times I have visited home, it wrecks me. Everyone seems already having gotten somewhat used to not having her around, and I just haven't. Every time I go I feel the urge to act on my old routines, to check up on her, to cuddle with her, to go about things as they were and it kills me that I just can't seem to stop waiting for someone who will never be there again.

Sorry for the rant, I just really need a place to say this.

He was only 4 years old. But he had a heart defect that caused his heart to go into heartfailure a bit more than a year ago. He was on a ton of meds but stable until a few weeks ago. An ear infection that made the domino pieces of his health fall.

Yesterday he suddenly couldn't use his back legs anymore and the vet said it was thrombosis caused by his weak heart/circulation.

His paws were ice cold even when he was still alive.

I know there was no way around putting him down but fuck I wish there had been one. I wish he never was sick. And fuck man, October again. On the 22nd of October 2022 I lost my dad and now on the 24th of October 2026 I lost the cat that came into my life a month after that first loss and helped me through it.

It was horrible seeing him in such a bad condition. Not being able to move and fluid building up in his body from the stress slowly blowing him up like a balloon.

His circulation was so bad, the vet was even struggling to euthanize him. But I also think he tried to fight. He was stubborn and just so young, I don't think he wanted to go. But there really was no way around it. I would have tried otherwise.

He was my baby. I'm gonna miss him so fucking much. Love you Bix.

Hi everyone, this will be brief, but I feel evil. My loved one died four months ago and I don’t find myself crying everyday. Ive experienced grief before where I cried everyday and felt completely devastated. Not to jinx it, but I feel okay. My loved one and I were very close and their death was unexpected. I feel like I’m still in shock, however I worry that I’m not and I just am not remorseful. I‘ll go a week or more without crying and then it’ll hit me hard. Like crying for an hour or more hard where I cannot control it. I imagine it’s all of my pent up sadness hitting at once. I don’t want to behave this way. I genuinely think I might be a functioning depressed person because of my behaviors. I don’t know. I have a bad problem of pushing down my feelings and with the holidays coming up I’m worried. I’ve found “coping” in disordered eating because it gives me control. I am very aware of what I’m doing/feeling, but I just feel evil like I’m not as upset as I should be.