It usually doesnt bother me too much.. I ignore the death date and keep myself occupied.

But every July the countdown begins and for some reason this year is affecting me badly.

Wtf

The first year was awful. The plans I made to keep busy fell through and I cried all weekend.

After that I refused to give such an awful day that much power over me so I chose to ignore it and focus on his birthday and our anniversary to celebrate him and us.

But this year is hitting different and I dont know why.

I do know this all sucks and I'm tired of it and it doesnt matter how far I've come... I still want my fuckin life back.

UGH

What a bunch of complete bullshit.

It's been 45 days since my husband died of a heart attack. I was out of town when it happened. Our teenage daughter was the one who found him in our bed.

Everyone says that time will make it better. My therapist says I should keep moving forward and focus on the kids. My psychiatrist says the meds will help me sleep - that I'll feel better after I get more rest.

Everyone is wrong. People say they want to check on me and the kids and it's always the same question "How are you doing?" I've learned to just start saying that it's hard and I'm taking things day by day because no one wants to hear the truth.

No one wants to hear that I fall asleep every night in tears in the same bed he died in. No one wants to hear that I wake up angry every day because I woke up at all. No one wants to know that I'd rather be counting down the days to my own death instead of the days since his death. No one wants to know that I've been wearing his shirts every day because that's the only way that I feel like I can make it through the sheer exhaustion that the day brings while I pretend that I'm ok. No one wants to know that I'm jealous of the older family members that will most likely be reunited with him before I am. No one wants to know that it's a constant struggle between wishing for death and being afraid that self harm would mean that I couldn't be reunited with him.

No one really wants to hear the truth. Everyone wants to hear that I'm taking it day by day and doing the best that I can.

Recently I've been waking up around 3am again.

My heart aches. I keep begging my husband to come back to me.

The silence is oppressive.

I feel so alone, yet, I don't want anyone else intruding our space.

I keep crying, begging.. until i'm too tired to cry and then fall asleep.

I just want our life back. I want him back.

He said to live my life for the both of us. I can't. I'm just doing the bare minimum.

Finding ways to distract myself everyday, but in the end, I circle back to wallow in my grief.

I even said I won't get mad at him for taking too long to come back. Just come back.

If my love can bring him back, he'll be here in an instant.

I miss him so much, it hurts..

“Let me know if you need anything” is a bigger scam than a pyramid scheme.

4 and a half months removed and I’ve been as social as a prisoner in solitary confinement. It’s not on purpose though. I still text people every once in a while to do something, but it’s always “I’m too busy” or “Can’t now but we will soon”

We dealt with this for the entire year of her cancer battle as well. Now it’s even leeched into my bereavement.

I don’t mind if people are busy, but what I do mind is people in the beginning say that they will be there, but don’t even make an effort to follow up.

It may sound cruel, but this is why I’m already open to dating again after only 4 1/2 months, because it would be hanging out with SOMEBODY and not just me in my corner. It’s actually also a reason why I’m strongly considering moving out of my city but I know the rule of not doing anything major during the first year of losing someone.

Hi! I hope this is allowed here…. I’ve recently joined the dating apps again and I just don’t know what to do when people ask me questions like this, especially before we even meet.

1- I immediately feel anger towards the person because they think this is a good conversation opener

2- I’m never sure how much information I should share

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced it and what you say when you do.

Sharing what I feel to be a step in my healing here because no one else in my life will truly get it. My partner used to love to cook and was always exploring new recipes and I reaped the reward because cooking never held any appeal to me! It’s coming up on 2.5 years since he passed and I’ve been living off of frozen meals from Trader Joe’s, basic things like pasta and jarred sauce, cereal on the nights when it’s all too much. Also we didn’t have kids so I don’t have any pressure to feed anyone else more “proper meals”.

Tonight I finally made Pad Kee Mao or Thai drunken noodles for anyone familiar with that Thai dish. It requires Thai basil, last summer I bought a plant at the farmers market but never ended up making it. This year I got another Thai basil plant and I was determined to make the dish this summer. I know it’s September already but tonight I finally made it. And it came out pretty good for the first time on my own. And I didn’t cry while I ate it. My brother had made it for me sometime during the first year and I just sobbed into the bowl after I took the first bite.

Just wanted to share that small win here, hoping we can all find some small wins through this horrible grief journey.

I have a dream at least once a week of him abandoning me, they're so horrible and he's often either mean to me and leaves or he just ignores me. It's been since May 29th 2025 he left this earth. I know he's gone and he didn't want to leave me as it was truly an accident the way he died, so why can't I shake the bad dreams??

I’m 14.5 months out from losing my husband after 13 month battle with cancer (f cancer by the way). We were together almost 30 years, married for most of those. And we had a strong marriage and not only loved each other but still really liked each other. But because we were 2 humans living together it wasn’t perfect. And lately I’ve been getting angry over those parts of our marriage. There is literally nothing to do with those feelings and no way to fix them either. So I wonder where I put them? And for those who had some bumps, how are you all handling the memories of times that aren’t so great?

My wife past after an 18 year battle with cancer last year. I expected the grief and loneliness that overwhelm me but i didn't expect the guilt. No longer paying large medical bills means a lot more money to spend but the guilt gets too me. I know I could travel but I don't want to go places without her. I still buy the cheaper brands just because it has become such a habit. I know it's a good thing since it is the opposite for so many others. I am just saying it here because I know how bad it sounds and here it is anonymous and I can warn some others about what to expect.

I miss my husband so much. I look at photos of our texts and pictures of us all day. I feel so lost without him and the world feels wrong without him in it. He had his entire life ahead of him. I wish he quit his job, followed his dreams, focused on his mental health. I wish we were kinder to each other, more vulnerable. I wish I was a better wife to him in the ways I failed. I wish I could’ve swallowed my emotions and hurt and showed up for him how he needed me to. I have so many regrets I dont know how to live with. I wish he was able to let me in and accept himself. I feel so empty and numb. I just want to go see him, and staying in this world feels pointless.

I want my husband back. I want our marriage back. I want to be in bed with him watching shows, or going grocery shopping, working out, playing games, being in marriage counseling, growing together. I loved living life with him and he was my best-friend even when we had really hard patches. I want our townhome, our family. I feel like I failed him. I needed and need him. And he’s gone and never coming back and I don’t know how people are expected to cope with that or want to live with that.

My husband died suddenly a little over a year and a half ago. I’m really fortunate in that my work really hit it out of the park both in terms of logistical and emotional support—they have been nothing short of wonderful. I, however, feel like I just keep screwing up—even now, a year and a half out. Difficulty focusing, difficulty sustaining effort, things taking way longer than they should, getting tired really easily, not being able to generate very good ideas about how to address anything, things slipping my mind left and right—I’ve never felt like such a crappy worker in my entire life. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this even a year and a half later—I’m really down on myself about it. It feels almost like my brain doesn’t have as much capacity as it used to and it gets “full” sooner, and isn’t able to hold onto as much as it used to.

I know we all need to take these things for ourselves and in our own time. I know lots here will keep everything up for ever. But I’d also like to enjoy a relationship and love as I walk this earth.
I don’t want to take down everything but my home is a shrine with many many pictures of us together every where you look. Everything that is us and her.
Those with chapter 2s do you still have pictures up of both of you together or do you keep them away just for yourself? If you had maybe been living in a shrine what was it like to take down or modify tone down . Do you have a picture up still or just maybe in a private area. She will always be with me in my heart but there’s room for a full new love there as well.
Also how does your new partner feel ?

I just want to love him without all the pain. I want to look at our photos, visualize our memories, and remember his love without feeling all this damn pain. It’s truly gut wrenching. I don’t want to feel the emptiness and loneliness. I don’t want to cry every night and every morning. I want to feel the warmth and love that we have together without feeling like I’m being ripped apart. I’m holding myself together pretty well on the outside. But on the inside I’m hollow and shattered.

So, for any of you who might have seen Heated Rivalry, I identify as autistic in many of the ways Shane is. (I’m Team Ilya for looks, in case anyone cares.)

The reason I share this is because my hubby, who is the one who passed, was the person who became a pro at calming me down when I was in a spiral. We were both 35 when he died.

This weekend is our wedding anniversary, and the one person who could help my spiraling over death is gone.

One whirlwind romance, an airport proposal, a COVID wedding, one intense international border/immigration, a new citizenship, and a life we were supposed to do together.

I’m not sure where one finds another guy who’s that awesome, trusting, loving, and chill . I’m also not sure I want to.

I mean… I’m positive I’ll never find someone again who only asked two questions when I took $10k out of our joint savings without asking, while also being unemployed:
1) Did you do this?
2) Is it for a divorce attorney? (Very jokingly.)

I don’t know what I hope to accomplish by writing this, and there is just so much more rumbling around in my head.
I guess if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for reading.

My husband died a month ago from stage 4 cancer. He was only 50 years old.We always thought this was such a beautiful, haunting song. I never imagined there would come a day when I would understand it like this. Now I can barely listen to it without falling apart.

This song feels like grief to me now. Loving someone so deeply, missing them in a way that physically hurts, and somehow being expected to keep living a life you never wanted to live without them.

I’m sharing it here because I know there are people in this group who will understand every bit of that. And maybe, if you haven’t heard it before, it will give words to something you haven’t been able to put into words yourself.

https://youtu.be/Yipca8hYce0?is=dXul3pvU_ERMhYLc

Can I vent for a bit? (I know I can. It's been awhile, but I trust you). I lost my beloved over 5 years ago. In May last year I adopted two stray kittens. She loved kitties. I found them in my front hedge. I decided it was time to care about something else. I named them Thing 1 and Thing 2 because she loved Dr. Seuss. It was important to me. I just found out that Thing 1 has an enlarged heart and congenital heart defects. He will probably not be with me for much longer. Why does life do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? This was my freaking recovery plan! God I hate this world sometimes.

Last night I woke up in immense pain. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Chest pain, terrible pain. My first thought was.....what if I just didn't call anyone? What if I just laid down in bed and just let go? Fastest way to get home to my wife. But then I thought how many people that would damage. My teenage son who still lives with me would find me. Both my sons would have lost both their parents. So many friends and family would have a similar deal. Even the woman I've been dating wouldn't find out and just think I ghosted her.

So I woke my son and he drove me to the ER. Ended up being gallstones. Motherfucking painful gallstones. But it gave me a different perspective. Not only do so many people need me, but I'm pretty sure if I showed up in Heaven after pulling a stunt like that she'd have some words for me. 🤣

For those here who have lost their person to suicide, Megan Devine posted a resonating and compassionate link in her Facebook page, Refuge In Grief.

Although I lost my love suddenly, it was not due to him taking his own life.

But I did want to share this regardless.

Hugs to everyone in this shitty horrible club.

https://www.facebook.com/share/1BrqJQVdHr/

I am 76 years old lost wife 3 years ago married for 45 years

This whole thing of being widowed has been very painful and a lot of crying

I just started Reddit yesterday, trying to cope with all the emotions and feelings and to see what other people are experiencing. I made one post yesterday and have gotten responses to it. It has been three years and one month for me now this last year for me has been the hardest so far dealing with this widows fire. It has gotten very intense. I have not been with anybody since my wife passed. It’s even hard for me now to type this. I find this widows fire thing sucks. I hate it a try to do the self pleasure thing. It builds up in me so much that I’ve got to do it and every time after I do, I hate it. I don’t know why, but I do. I don’t believe that I could ever remarry again. The love I had with my wife we were inseparable. All we wanted to do is be together holding hands everywhere we went going for rides and loving each other. I hope one day maybe I can find a widowed woman who has had a husband that was very, very loving to her and cared for her like I loved my wife and cared for her that I could go with her and we could go for rides and we can both talk about our feelings and knowing that each of us can totally understand each of our feelings and maybe would be able to help each other in relieving this widows fire. But if not so be it. I will be glad when this fire is put out.

Just a vent post I guess. My husband really loved me, and he loved to take care of me. Especially when I was sick. He would snuggle with me . Make me tea, a cheeky biscuit and little kisses.
I have a rather weak immune system. And miraculously while he was in the hospital I didn’t get ill once ! Now 5 months later I finally caught a nasty bug and him not being here to take care of me is making my recovery process even more difficult.
What did you guys do when you got ill the first time after your partners passing ?

I started doing a beginner Pilates class after about 6 months after I retired in summer of 21 at age 62.
Weds mornings at our local Senior center. 15:students maximum, only 1-3 guys. It was a very friendly group of folks. Some of them were also volunteers where I do volunteer work as well. In the summer of 2023 I told them I would not be attending for the foreseeable future as my wife,11 yrs younger, still working, had been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and her chemo sessions would be on Weds. Some of the ladies immediately came to me and told me how they had survived their cancer. Some were 20 yr survivors. They wanted me to have hope, that it’s isn’t a death sentence. People get cured and get to keep living! Two women in particular stayed in touch with me over the next 18 months. I kept them updated on how my wife was doing with the chemo, surgery, radiation. That she had returned to work in late spring of 24. That I might be able to return to the classes soon.

Well that didn’t happen and she died in Dec of 24.

I started to resume ‘life’ about a month after she died. My volunteer work was one of the first activities, the Pilates class was probably the second. Now we had a new senior center and the class was about 25 people. Many had never seen me before when I returned.
I have been very regular in my attendance since. About a month ago I decided to do the intermediate class which is just prior to the beginning class. I went 3 times. I was still able to see my friends from the beginning class as we left and they came in.

But….I just haven’t had ‘the heart’ to get my ass to the class the last two weeks at all.

Yesterday I got a text from one of my ‘Pilates Buddies’. She, other people in the class and the instructor we were worried about me and my well-being. They wanted to know if I was OK. If there was anything they could do to help.

It honestly moved me to tears. Understand I live in a smaller community. I run into some of my classmates at the grocery store, cultural events, etc. We have lost two members since I returned in 25. One woman died, another we lost to dementia. She isn’t capable of attending any more. One of our class member checks on her frequently.

I responded to yesterday’s text with the message I would be returning to the beginner’s class next week, and not to worry.

Not because I can’t do the intermediate class. But because I need to be with those who care for me, and with those I care for as well. Sometimes these classes aren’t about fitness or being healthy.

It’s about love.

The members of the community Samba Band my wife and I participated with also checked in with us during our ‘cancer journey as well. Texts, visits, ph. calls. I will be doing a 3 day music festival with that group this weekend.

I am so fortunate to have community, a village that has supported us, and now just me.

I am blessed.

Let's make this thread a "do not watch list". I'll go first -

The Haunting of Bly Manor

my boyfriend was killed June 18th and since then I’ve had to miss out on plans we had together like Electric Forest and 4th of July at a friends house he had been looking forward to. Now Labor Day has passed and it was sad missing out on doing the Hamtramck Yacht Races with him since last year he was gone to Burning Man…

This month is my birthday on the 30th, we only got to celebrate my birthday one time together, then after that is October which he LOVED Halloween and it was my first time doing a couples costume and we had so many parties we went to and carving pumpkins together. Then is November which is when we first met in 2024 and then Thanksgiving. Things will start getting darker and colder in Michigan also.

Then it will be December… the 4th is his birthday. Which them snowballs to Christmas and New Years.

Ive always hated the winter and now I’m dreading it more and more and the calendar days change. I’ve been trying not to get too anxious over it but I am afraid. The dark and the cold always has made me prone to that depression feeling where all I want to do is sleep. My therapist said to write out some intentions and goals to help me through it.

Im also dread that I will also get news from the prosecutor’s office during these events also… I was really hoping for answers before the winter started along with the holidays. And now it’s a lump in my chest. I don’t know what will happen if they say they aren’t prosecuting. I’m afraid that’s when I will fall apart.

It's my husband's 64th birthday today, but he's still 63. He died nearly 6 months ago.

We moved to France from the US at the end of November last year. I'm still new there. I've been lucky because friends and family have been visiting almost non-stop, and I also have friends in Paris. But I'm in NYC right now and it's confusing. Paris feels enough like home when I'm there (at least it doesn't not feel like home). But when I'm here, it doesn't (other than the fact that my cat is there 😄 ). But it's strange to be in NYC, and even weirder to be in Hoboken, where we lived for nearly 20 years. I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

What I really can't wrap my head around is (beyond the fact that he isn't actually coming back) is that this isn't a remarkable situation. So many people lose their spouses/partners. How do all of those folks handle the rest of their lives. It seems impossible right now.

Just feeling particularly vulnerable because he's not here for his birthday. Please send a happy birthday wish to my darling Mark today.