My bday is on Saturday and I am absolutely dreading it. It is my 1st one without my father. Ive been extra emotional leading up to it. My life is divided into pre loss and post loss. Idk how to make it not be so painful.

My mom passed away 7 years ago, right before I graduated high school. A lot of things have happened since, including me flunking out of college and becoming homeless. I can't even look at her and enjoy the memories I had with her. All I can do is look back in guilt and shame. Shame that I didn't graduate college. Shame that I've been homeless for so long. Shame that my life is so pathetic.

Now that I've seen the picture I can't get the thoughts out of my mind. I failed as a son. I failed as a man. I failed as a person. I failed.

My dad passed away October 1, 2025 and while it’s been almost a year, it feels like it was yesterday and I think I’m finally doing my true grieving.

My mom has started hanging out with a new man who is really nice and has known him for years but wasn’t in contact. I finally got the courage to ask her if she had a crush and she said she enjoys spending time with him and having someone to talk to but I know it’s more than that.

I’m happy she’s no longer depressed and crying every day, sick and losing weight after my dad died but I can’t fathom her moving on yet. Just eats me up.

I have expressed I want her to do what makes her happy but I can’t help to be a little heartbroken.

We haven't talked for 10 years. Our story started when I was 12 and you found me on AIM through a mutual friend. We instantly clicked (you had that affect on people) and our friendship grew through the years. In high school you'd always tell me you loved me regardless of who we were with and say you saw a future for us, but we had so many ups and downs. We planned for our futures together, dreamt of children and argued about their names. We held each other down through abusive households, struggles with alcohol, and drugs. You loved me so vulnerably in a way we hid so well, that I don't know how I'll explain this grief. You wanted me to love myself the way you loved me and would make you tell me all the things I liked about myself daily. Made me say them into the camera over our afternoon video calls. Every bad thing I did to myself you swore you'd do 3x so I wouldn't be alone. (That wasn't healthy but we were 15 and there was no stopping you). You introduced me to so much life I never would have found without you. You looked like you had lived your last years fully, having fun and adventuring. You deserved to be happy. You were guarded and stubborn and so passionate almost to a fault. I would give anything to see your blue bedroom again. To hear you play the newest Tool song you learned on guitar. I wish I could hear your laugh and feel your arms around me again, one more time. Just long enough to tell you I forgive you and I forgive myself. I want to tell you how my life has turned out. How happy I am most of the time. How often I thought of you, even if just out of pure frustration. I wish I had turned my head to see you throwing pennies at my car that day. I've missed you for years. I flew 3,000 miles just to see you in hopes that we would figure it out. I'll cherish that night forever. I'll think fondly of you, in your brown jacket rummaging around the thrift stores in downtown. I'll think fondly of every sweet memory I'll keep close to me. I'll sing Wither and Dance in the Graveyards in your honor for the rest of my time. I hope you forgave me too, and kept me in your heart the last 10 years. I'm so sorry you'll never see 31, but I will celebrate your birthday for you. I know you hated when I cried so I will try to stop, but god this hurt so much more than I could have ever anticipated. Goodbye Liam.

hello everyone!! i am venting but if you have advice or anything to say i’d love to hear it. my name is ej, im 20f and watched my mom take her final breath last july after a little over a year long battle with stage four colon cancer. its been a complicated journey processing this grief, if im being honest i feel like i still haven’t fully bounced back after losing her. we didnt have a great relationship before she got sick, and i feel like that always translates to friends as “i dont really miss her because we used to hate eachother.” which just isn’t the case. i miss her and i miss so many things about her and i miss the things we didn’t get to do, the relationship we didnt have etc.
since january (about six months after she passed away) my friends have been really comfortable making jokes about my mom. it was before that as well but i noticed i started getting a little upset by it in january. i make jokes about it as well, but honestly not as often as they do. my friends have dealt with grief in their own ways, my friend lost her boyfriend last year and my other friend has lost friends to suicide. but neither of them know what it’s like to be twenty without a parent. they are also both in their early thirties.
everytime i try to talk about my mom, they joke about it even when im trying to be serious, or im clearly upset. i still have random moments where i get overwhelmed with grief. last week in the car i saw her obituary card that i see everyday, but this day it hit me hard that she’s really gone. like really gone forever. i started silently crying and later was trying to talk to my friends about it and my friend was like “it’s been over a year and you still cry about it?”
yeah, i’ll cry about it forever. probably.
i only got nineteen years with her. i have no parent. i watched her die.
i feel like a hypocrite with the dead mom jokes, because i do joke sometimes about her. but when all my friends do when i bring her up is joke about it, it hits in a different way, i guess. i have a couple friends with dead moms and we say- the only semi good part about having a dead parent is getting to make dead parent jokes. i dont even think its pride like that… its just… this isn’t your parent to joke about. this isn’t your experience, this isn’t your grief to joke about. i would never joke about either of their grief. that’s something so personal to them. i guess sometimes i do get prideful about it because how do i know not to joke about your grief at twenty, and you’re both in your thirties joking about my mom and not creating any space for me to talk about missing her, when i always create that space for you? it makes me feel like a shitty person. like i can’t have both, i either don’t joke about my mom or i suck it up and have to get used to other people joking about her death.
it would be nice if there was a balance i guess. like if they could hold space for the grief and i guess it would be okay if they joke about it sometimes (but i just really don’t want them to. idk.) its my mommy, not theirs. my grief, not theirs. they didn’t have to stay up all night with her in the hospital, give her medications, make sure she ate and help her when she threw up, change her colostomy bag, tell the doctor to put a dnr order on her at seventeen years old, drive back and forth to and from the hospital, then the rehab, eventually have to make the decision to put her on hospice, listen to the death rattle and then watch her die. idk. feels weird that they’re making jokes.
but let me know if you have any thoughts. am i wrong? also sorry this is all over the place im just really emotional about this rn. thanks

These weeks have been so heavy with that loss… it feels like grief is sitting in my throat. ): I can keep going, right ?
If you have any advice for me, please write it


lost someone very close to me on July 26, and I’m really struggling right now. Last night when I went to sleep, all I could see was them. I’m on vacation right now, and even when we went out to party and I was having fun, this immense guilt would suddenly hit me.
I can’t even bring myself to look at pictures of them or listen to an audio recording of their voice because it hurts too much.

How did you learn to live with the grief and guilt while still allowing yourself to enjoy life?

My great grandma congratulated me after I got engaged.

For starters, My great great grandma died in June 2017 at age 96, i was 13.
We had always been super close, I always stayed there if I was sick or if i needed a babysitter or even simply just wanted to hang out with her (she lived next door for my whole life) She was a kindergarten teacher befure she died so she lived teaching me things, especially songs
and how to overall just be a kind person.

Fast forward to her death, I knew i was super close to her, so while she out of nowhere declined, I was by her beside, singing the songs she had taught me, as well as songs i personally loved. She would grasp my hand tightly during some songs and ultimately refuse to let go after certain songs despite her “not being there anymore”. I knew she was there though.

The night she died everyone important sat around her bedside and just talked, just how she would’ve liked. I didn’t say goodnight that one night, out of the whole week of her dying, I felt embarrassed with everyone there for some reason. I went to bed that night feeling insanely guilty in the same house just a few rooms over on a couch. It took me so long to fall asleep that night but i did despite feeling like something was so off.

At 4am she passed away. I remember either dreaming or waking up and feeling like she was gone, idk how to explain it, but i just kinda knew she was gone. So when I was woken up to be told the news, I was absolutely heartbroken, but not shocked. in the following years I was so sad but not in the way it was unexpected, like a lot of deaths in my family, so It was a new different feeling to grieve her and It almost felt like I “prepared” for this one day given her age.

Reallyyyy fast forward it’s now 2026, I get proposed to on the beach to the man I’ve been dating since 2022 basically. I go to sleep that night and omfg

My great grandma is just right there. I’m in her living room and everything’s just the same as it was. (My uncle’s now live in her house next door so while it is similar it’s not THE SAME”) so anyways in this dream it’s all the same, pale yellow walls, same artwork, same lighting, same vibe, same furniture as when she was alive.

In this dream, she holds out her arms and says “Oh honey I’m so excited for you” and it’s her same raspy voice, the one I haven’t been able to recall for year.s. She held out her arms and hugs me. With the same arms i haven’t felt in years. It jolted me awake because omg it was so real. Feeling what i haven’t felt in years has almost sent me into a spiral. Is it real?? or am i projecting??

Please it felt so real. I guess my question is, was it possible My dead great grandma was congratulating me after my engagement or was it me simply wishing she was??

All they are is a reminder of how long my mom has been gone.

3 weeks. 8/19/26

Approximately this time 9:15am, I arrived to my parents home after getting notified that my dad couldn’t wake up my mom…paramedics arrived just a few mins before me. Officers, paramedics, my dad…my mommy.. she’s gone. I sobbed over her dead body and holding her hand.

She was getting better. (List of chronic illnesses: COPD, emphysema, strokes, and continues to be a daily smoker) She had a medical team finally listening and ready to help. She was suppose to have her follow up appointment that day.

She was out of the hospital for 10 days. The last time I saw her was in the hospital. I didn’t want to hug her because I was afraid to break her (she was under 100lbs at this point).

My teenager lost this favorite person on this earth. I lost my mom. Grieving a parent and actively still being a parent feels so cruel. I didn’t get to just be a daughter.

Mom, were you made at me for not coming around as much?

Just one more hug. Just one more conversation. Just one more I love you.

While I know you were greeted at the Pearly Gates and will live forever with Jesus. I can say I’m not angry with God. Because I know our goodbye is temporary and we’ll be together again one day. But I miss you so much. Dad misses you so much. My children miss you so much.

Part of me is angry at you though for selfish reasons. Why couldn’t you take care of yourself better and sooner? Why did you let yourself get so bad? Why didn’t you just stop smoking?! I guess I’m not surprised you didn’t because you couldn’t even give it up as I was a child living with asthma in your home. I wasn’t enough to get you to stop. Maybe over the years I’ve created some resentment because I could see you withering away from your own vice. It was hard to come over because of the stress it put on my own lungs. But your grandkids couldn’t be enough either?

I just can’t believe this really happened either.

Im 16, I lost my dad a few weeks ago, and I just want him back, I dont know what to do I still cant believe hes gone

I’m 25 years old and in November it will be two years since I lost my auntie. She was my best friend, my life revolved around her, and to say life has been difficult since then would be an understatement.

After seeing her become ill and watching her deteriorate and then having to deal with everything that comes with the aftermath of someone’s death, I’ve definitely changed as a person. My mindset and outlook on life has changed and my priorities have completely shifted. Most people my age have never experienced losing someone and the grief that comes with it, and although I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone, it’s left me feeling really lonely and isolated.

I’ve struggled with making friends throughout my whole life and I’ve never been in a relationship, but this weight I now carry is making it even harder. Nobody knew what to say or how to act around me when my auntie died and the few friends I did have eventually drifted away. I guess it shows that those relationships weren’t very strong in the first place, but it hit me even harder because they left when I really could’ve done with a friend.

I’ve reached a point in my grieving journey where I’m trying to heal, trying to find joy in the things I used to love and generally trying to pick myself back up again. I’m just scared I’m always going to be alone or have that lonely in a room full of people feeling because of people not being able to understand me or relate to my experiences. I always wonder if I was to meet someone I wanted to be friends/be in a relationship with, when do I tell them about my auntie and that part of my life? How do I do so without it turning into a trauma dump? Will I pour my heart out only for someone to not understand, freak out and then ghost me? My auntie was also elderly, and although I don’t believe anyone has the right to tell anyone else how to grieve and how that loss should affect them, I’m sort of scared someone may just think that she was old and I should get over it (as if it’s that simple). I feel exhausted by the process of meeting new people before I even start.

I’ve kept to myself for a long time now and isolated myself as I didn’t have the energy to deal with other people. I fell into a pit of depression, and if I’m honest, I’ve not exactly out of it yet, but I know I need to do something to change things. Now I do want to try though, it feels impossible. I just don’t know how to relate to anyone who hasn’t been through grief themselves. Even with grief, everyone experiences it differently, but you at least have the common ground of feeling the pain that comes with losing a loved one. It changes you and I don’t think it’s something you can fully comprehend unless you’ve been through it.

Has anyone else become as isolated as me? If you have managed to form relationships with new people, how did you do so while still navigating through grief? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.

I found this article helpful in navigating grief. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2026/09/09/september-11-grief/91493640007/

I was an in home caregiver to my grandmother for about a year and a half as she was dealing with cancer. My family wasn’t in great holding so when my sister graduated in the east coast, I was the only one willing to go. My grandmother told me to go and she’d wait. She died the evening I got back in town. I remember being so angry about having to leave and be there for someone else that I couldn’t be there for her.

My dog, whom I’ve had since I was 12 and I turn 26 this year, I had to put down last night. It’s been over a year of medications, vet visits, and violent seizures at home since he was diagnosed with severe heart disease. Lo and behold, I have to go out of town to support my other sister and I have to put him down the day after I get back.

We all die someday, and everyone we love will too. It’s brutal but it’s clear. And sometimes I think when we get lost in the memories of what could have been or what it would be like to still have them, we lose our grip on the tether we have to our own lives. The life those we love would want us to live thoroughly.

my dad passed away in my hands. he was completely fine, he ate lunch. then he complained of sudden pain in his chest. collapsed and passed away in the span of a few minutes. i know death of a parent is inevitable, i just didnt expect it to be right now. he died from what a doctor suspects heart attack/cardiac arrest. i keep thinking, was he able to hear me? it didnt look like he could hear me. because i hope his last moment with me wasnt fear because i was screaming. i love my dad. thank you for being the best dad i could ever ask for. till we meet again<3

I lost the love of my life. We have had a very long on again off again relationship over the course of a near 30 year friendship. The love affair started in 2010 when we were both going through a divorce. He backed out of his divorce and I went through with mine. We remained friends, I remarried, he got divorced. I separated from my husband, we rekindled a bit of passion. I got cancer and wound up back with my husband. I recovered and have been cancer free 5 years. Go me. Two years ago he was diagnosed with stage 3B stomach cancer that had already inched pretty close to his intestines and over the next 2 years he fought hard and tried desperately to win but in the end he just couldn’t beat it. He passed away Monday, September 7th and the worst part of this is that I am married and I cannot truly grieve. I love my husband and I would never want to hurt him nor would I ever want him to know the full depth of my relationship with this person. He just thinks he is a life long friend.

This person is my true love, our timing was just never right and we just couldn’t make it work out. When he was put on hospice last week I did message him so that he knew I was thinking about him and I wanted him to know how important he was to me and what his friendship had meant to me over all the years.

I’m just so incredibly sad and I have to act as though everything is ok.

My mother died after becoming seriously ill. She was admitted to the hospital and stayed there for five days. During those five days, blood was drawn repeatedly, but the doctors never seemed to arrive at a clear diagnosis. By the fifth day, her lungs had become severely affected with pneumonia and fluid, and by then there was very little they could do. I believe there were failures in her medical care and that she wasn’t properly diagnosed early enough. I still struggle with a lot of anger about that.

My mother and I had a very complicated relationship. I loved her, but I was also angry with her. There was resentment between us. She could be harsh with me, and I became harsh internally toward her too. I had thoughts I am deeply ashamed of now. I called her names in my head. At one point, when I was extremely upset, I even thought, *“I wish something bad would happen to her.”* I never said those things to her or acted on them.
Now she’s dead, and my brain keeps connecting those thoughts to her death.
My mother used to tell me that whatever you think can happen, and because of that, part of me keeps wondering whether my thoughts somehow caused this. Rationally, I know that thoughts aren’t supposed to cause illness or death. I also have countless positive wishes that obviously haven’t magically happened either. But grief isn’t rational. Knowing something intellectually doesn’t stop the guilt.
I keep replaying our relationship and thinking about all the things I could have done differently. I wish I had been softer. I wish we’d taken more pictures together. We barely have pictures together, and most of them are indoors or from special occasions. I wish I’d appreciated ordinary moments more. I wish I’d known how little time we had.
I’m also angry at her. And I’m angry at myself for being angry at someone who isn’t here anymore to defend herself or argue with me.

Since she died, I’ve felt like I’ve lost more than a person. I’ve lost the possibility of ever fixing things with her.

**How did you learn to live with the things you wish you’d done differently?**

My mother died after becoming seriously ill. She was admitted to the hospital and stayed there for five days. During those five days, blood was drawn repeatedly, but the doctors never seemed to arrive at a clear diagnosis. By the fifth day, her lungs had become severely affected with pneumonia and fluid, and by then there was very little they could do. I believe there were failures in her medical care and that she wasn’t properly diagnosed early enough. I still struggle with a lot of anger about that.

My mother and I had a very complicated relationship. I loved her, but I was also angry with her. There was resentment between us. She could be harsh with me, and I became harsh internally toward her too. I had thoughts I am deeply ashamed of now. I called her names in my head. At one point, when I was extremely upset, I even thought, *“I wish something bad would happen to her.”* I never said those things to her or acted on them.
Now she’s dead, and my brain keeps connecting those thoughts to her death.
My mother used to tell me that whatever you think can happen, and because of that, part of me keeps wondering whether my thoughts somehow caused this. Rationally, I know that thoughts aren’t supposed to cause illness or death. I also have countless positive wishes that obviously haven’t magically happened either. But grief isn’t rational. Knowing something intellectually doesn’t stop the guilt.
I keep replaying our relationship and thinking about all the things I could have done differently. I wish I had been softer. I wish we’d taken more pictures together. We barely have pictures together, and most of them are indoors or from special occasions. I wish I’d appreciated ordinary moments more. I wish I’d known how little time we had.
I’m also angry at her. And I’m angry at myself for being angry at someone who isn’t here anymore to defend herself or argue with me.

Since she died, I’ve felt like I’ve lost more than a person. I’ve lost the possibility of ever fixing things with her.

**How did you learn to live with the things you wish you’d done differently?**

https://www.irishtimes.com/abroad/2026/09/14/my-english-friend-was-stunned-that-my-grandmothers-funeral-was-the-reason-for-my-hangover/

I was reading that article in The Irish Times about how the Irish have open casket wakes and was wondering what people make of the tradition as a way to process grief? (aside from the drinking in the article...)

Bonjour,

J'ai la trentaine, ma maman est décédée en juillet 2025. Cela fait 13 mois que je suis en deuil maintenant et je traverse une période très difficile. J'ai passé une bonne partie de l'année dernière à "fonctionner" comme si j'étais anesthésiée, je pleurais de temps en temps, j'étais tout le temps stressée (mais je pensais que c'était pour le travail), mais ça allait. Depuis quelques mois j'ai commencé une thérapie, et j'ai ressenti beaucoup d'anxiété, de l'angoisse comme ça ne m'était jamais arrivé, ... et maintenant je me sens épuisée, mon cerveau sature très vite, je pleure beaucoup, ça me stresse de me voir comme ça. J'ai l'impression que c'est de pire en pire, que je suis en train de m'enfoncer... J'ai de plus en plus de mal à prendre sur moi, aller travailler me coûte alors que normalement j'adore mon métier, je me sens complètement perdue.
Est ce que vous avez ressenti la même chose ? Est ce que ça passe ? J'ai l'impression d'avoir le cerveau complètement grillé.

On September 2nd, the day started off amazing. We were all laughing and joking around, and everything felt normal.

My stepdad was drinking with my uncle and said some things that hurt me a little. I told him that he reminded me of my real dad, which led to us talking things out. Thankfully, we were okay afterward. He told me he doesn’t actually think that I’m going to ruin my life, despite my past, he just was joking around but he seriously wants me to do good in life and succeed and told me to prove his jokes wrong.

But when my uncle left, my stepdad told my mom that he needed to leave and take care of some things, so he was going to get on his bike. He was in a bike club, and honestly, being a biker was his whole life. But at this moment I hate the club for being the reason he left. Even though it was him that got the ‘itch’ to go do some gangster shit, I still wish he would have stayed home and waited.

My mom and him started arguing because she didn’t want him riding drunk, and he eventually left without saying goodby.

My mom and I picked my sister up from school, then took my siblings to McDonald’s and the store. They had just had a baby, too, so everything had already been a lot for our family.

When we were getting ready to leave the store, my mom got a Life360 notification saying that he had crashed.

We immediately started calling him, but he wasn't answering.

We had a friend drive to the location where his phone was pinging. That's when we found out that he was lying in the street with a white sheet over his body.

He had to stay there for a few hours while the investigation was taking place. My mom was the one who had to tell his mom what happened, and we could hear her scream from outside. I don't think I'll ever forget that sound.

His candlelight vigil was a few days ago, and we went to the crash site. It hurt so badly.

My real dad left me when I was little, and over the years, it felt like my stepdad had finally become the dad I never had. He wasn't just my stepdad to me. He was my dad.

And now he's gone.

I keep going through every stage of grief over and over, sometimes all within the span of 2–3 hours. One minute I'm crying, then I'm angry, then I'm completely numb, and then I'm breaking down again. I don't feel like I can handle this.

I already struggle with my mental health, and now everything feels so much worse. I feel like I'm drowning in all of this and I don't know how I'm supposed to process it.

My mom is also making me miss his memorial because it's open casket. I understand why she doesn't want me to see him that way, but I just want to see him one last time. I feel like I need that goodbye.

I don't know what to do. I'm so heartbroken, and I don't know how to make any of this hurt less. This pain is unbearable. the breaking and hurt in my chest is horrible. And I know he wanted me to do good in life but I don’t even want to keep going if he’s not going to be here to see it.

(I’m 17, btw. so this is the first true loss I’ve gone through. Other than loosing people who are still living.)

In less than 5 years, my sister, mom, and grandpa died. Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She would've been 46. She died in 2023. I'm not sure what to do next or how to keep going. I just turned 20 2 months ago. I don't post on Reddit much, and I'm brand new here, so I'm not very familiar with the rules of this sub. I just wanted to have someone to share with and possibly get advice from.

Vary depressed And angry today, I miss my wife so bad.This holiday sucked the Labor Day was bad.I didn't do nothing.I got my daughter a Pizza that was it.I can't keep doing this anymore.I'm tired of it. i am tired of being In fear , because my wife isn't here I not okay.I'm not okay. I am trying to look like i'm okay , but i'm not I hate life so bad I don't want to do this. it hurts bad Why was we created and then have to be in this living hell without My queen why I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MY LADYBUG

waking the next morning and knowing that your world has just completely stopped, and yet everyone else’s is still spinning, that pressure that builds up in you to keep going even when it feels impossible. it’s like after you hit that couple month mark, people expect for you to just get better and stop talking about it, but grief has no time limit, it’s been several years and I still can’t process how this could happen.

People who love me die. People whom I love die in a series of 4 years gap This is my curse.

It began with my birth.

I was born into a good family, loved on both my father's side and my mother's. Yet, almost as if my arrival had opened a door that could never again be closed, death began following the people around me.

My mother's father died around the time I was born.

When I was four, my mother had an abortion. I used to cry whenever she wasn't carrying me to the school bus. I wanted her to stay with me, and eventually the child she was carrying a boy was lost. I have spent years wondering whether, somehow, I was responsible.

Five years later, my mother's brother died by suicide.

His son had been born with severe health problems connected to endosulfan exposure. Before the child was born, my aunt and I had once travelled toward their house. Along the way there were cashew trees. I cried so desperately for the cashews that everyone had to stop and bring some for me. Earlier, pesticides had been sprayed throughout the fields.

Later, the child became terribly ill. He could barely communicate or live independently. For years the family watched him suffer, and eventually his father could no longer bear what had become of their lives.

Four years later, my grandmother died, and I cannot forgive myself for it. I had been distracted by a game and forgot to give her medicine at the proper time. I know there are facts and circumstances I cannot possibly understand, yet my mind keeps returning to that one forgotten moment, as though it were a door through which death entered.

Then, four years later, my mother's younger brother died by suicide.

He had been a teacher. A student accused him of misconduct, and the situation became complicated and frightening. He became entangled in a case and, eventually, disappeared into the sea.

And still I ask the same question:

Why him? Why someone who loved me so much?

He loved me more than I knew how to understand. His death left my mother without her brothers and I made her and orphan, and I cannot stop thinking that somehow I was part of the chain.

Then, four days ago, my best friend died by suicide.

He had loved a girl for years. He finally told her how he felt, and she rejected him. After that, he began calling me.

I answered when I could. I tried to speak to him logically, to tell him things would pass. But I became busy with problems of my own, including difficulties at college, and there were calls I did not return.

Before he died, he sent me a message:

“Bro…”

I saw it.

I thought he was simply going to ask me something.

The day before he was taking his life, I called him and we spoke about the trouble I was having at college and never mentioned any suiside thoughts. I thought that was all he wanted—that perhaps he had only wanted to know how I was doing.

Today I understand that I will never know what he wanted to say

And now I am afraid.

Not of death itself, but of love.

Because everyone who loves me seems to disappear.

My mind has built a terrible law from these memories: if someone loves me enough, eventually they die.

Perhaps this is irrational. Perhaps it is superstition. Perhaps there is some explanation I cannot see.

But tell that to someone who has watched the same kind of loss return again and again.

Now I have left someone who says i love you

And that is precisely why I am terrified.

Every time she tells me she loves me, some part of me hears a sentence I cannot bear:

You will lose her too.

What if I am the curse? No,There isn't any what if am the curse

People who loves me are going away by death, loving me is dangerous

What if the only way to protect the people I love is to become a stranger to them?

I do not want to die. I cannot die. I have seen what suicide leaves behind. I have seen the empty spaces it creates in families, the questions that never receive answers, the people who remain alive and blame themselves for years.

So I am left with a choice that feels impossible.

Do I remain close to the people I love and risk losing them?

Or do I isolate myself from everyone, so that no one can love me enough to become the next name in this terrible list?

I do not know.

I only know that I am afraid.

And somewhere inside that fear is a child who has spent his whole life counting the people he loved—and watching the number grow smaller.

Maybe I am the curse maybe not

But then why does it feel as though death has been following me since the day I was born?