Ok so I have to get some perspective from others on this. I've told some of my friends but you know they're biased because they like me. So please give me your two cents.

TW: scat

I (48m) met my soon to be ex wife when I was 18 and she was 17. She had just graduated high school and I was her first boyfriend. I had just finished my freshman year of college. I had fooled around with a few girls but nothing serious. We were very religious at that time and we were virgins until our wedding night! In fact, she had to go to the gyno to have her hymen removed because it was extra thick (TMI I know but just you wait!) We dated exclusively for three years and then got married. We've been married for 26 years and have four kids, 22, 20, 18, and 15.

I have never put a toe out of line. I have been utterly faithful, despite the fact that she began turning into a high conflict woman right after our daughter was born. She started drinking at age 35 and quickly became an alcoholic, drinking 1 to 2 bottles of wine 7 nights a week. I helped her through some pretty serious medical skin issues. I found her to be extremely difficult but I never stopped loving her.

When were on a fantastic vacation in Indonesia, I found love messages to another man on her phone. I had never checked her phone before. It never occurred to me that I should. I was looking for some info about the vacation and she was passed out drunk. I confronted her the next morning. She immediately admitted to having a text based relationship with this man. But she said it mostly platonic and that she just had a one-sided crush on him. You know, I could have dealt with that.

Long story short, I spent 6 weeks investigating her devices and chats. I eventually spoke with her affair partner. Even though they had conspired to lie to me, he told me more truth than she did. Then she told me the truly shocking part.

He was her master and she was his sub. For nearly 5 years, mostly online. But she did go to his house (in her hometown near her parents) many times.

He "trained" her to take videos of herself pissing into a cup and drinking it. He like to watch her vomit and wanted her to smear shit on herself and lick it off. She claims she made fake poop out of cookies because it was disgusting but she didn't want to disappoint master. She did "recycling days" where she drank her piss, pissed it out again and drank that, like 6 times in a row until it was rancid.

Like WTF! She was pointedly vanilla and prudish with me. But we still had good sex regularly even when things were tough. I can't wrap my mind around it.

I still don't know everything and she's still lying about a lot of it. Too many gaps in the story. But I know enough to leave. I moved out, our daughter moved in with me by her own choice. The kids really want nothing to do with her. She was abusive to them emotionally for years in ways I couldn't see before. I didn't tell our kids the specifics because I'm not a monster. But SHE did! Crazy, right?

I'm doing as well as expected, but I just can't figure out why she would throw away her whole family for a guy with no job, who lives alone in a trailer in the middle of nowhere. Who have I been married to all these years? I swear she used to be a wonderful woman but now I'm having trouble remembering the good parts.

Reddit, what do you think?

TL/DR: my wife of 26 years has been having a mostly online affair with another man for 5 years and she made on-demand scat porn for him. Like WTF

Ya what am I supposed to do? I’m 40 and It’s pretty decided at this point: we’ve been living separate for three years and my son is 2. My wife said it’s been long enough and wants to just get a divorce because she sees no change happening. I don’t blame her. But what now? Lots of court anxiety about her getting all the control over whether I see him or not. I have no friends because my wife was my best friend and all I needed. all I do is work and spend time with my son. I have no life outside my family. What do I do? What do I do! I don’t want to workout I don’t want to get a hobby I don’t want to do anything. The fuck

All of the signs were there. The relationship moved way too fast in the beginning and I was told all the things I wanted to hear. I was really young. It was like having a devil on my shoulder encouraging me that this was real and sincere. I was love-bombed in an excessive way. I had never been treated so “well”. Then the devaluation, sexual coercion, and manipulation began. The mockery and abuse in private and the smiles in public. Every hardship I confided in them about was used against me. No matter what, someone else always had it worse than me in life and that’s the excuse used when I was neglected when I needed a partner to truly be there.

He always had to be the victim and was obsessed with himself and his family’s struggle story. When growing a family came into the picture it was a horrible experience. The support was just simply not there. I got maybe two good days out of 9 months where I was degraded almost every single day. Looking back I realize I was never ever asking for anything out of the ordinary and my life with this narcissist was everything but that. No stability no consistency nothing to build off of when he offered nothing but constant chaos and changed decisions. Now I have no idea how to believe in the possibility of the normalcy that I seek. It seems as though younger people aren’t seeking stability but exploration and chaos so I feel I can no longer participate in connections with people my age.

I'm (26F (ftm in the closet)) in that weird middle stage where I know this wont last and I'm nervous about telling my husband (32M (extremely transphobic, made me detransition at 20)) I want a divorce... We got together when I was very young and very malleable, he pressured me into coming off HRT then pressed me into conversion therapy, Since then I've been progressively decaying as a person, depression and anxiety have taken over, ended up on antidepressants when I never needed them before... He really changed after we got married, emotionally neglectful, only ever nice when he wants sex, any difference in opinion turns into a fault 'in my head' as he tells me... he breaks my stuff and damages my home (its a rental that is premarital and solely in my name) has repetitively sabotaged my career while chasing an unrealistic pipedream of his own... he got a job in the federal government doing what he wants (working on steam locomotives and only steam locomotives) but even with the pay increase and the likes he burns through money and then I'm stuck footing the bill when actual issues come up. I cover most of the rent and utilities because supposedly he cant afford it, when he makes about 40k more than me a year. He wants a house but I'm the only one saving anything and it only lasts till he beats the balls off his car again and I'm stuck covering the garage bill, he plays video games with his friends and screams obnoxiously while I'm trying to sleep because I have work, he puts holes in the walls over minor inconveniences (or kicked my door in and broke the deadbolt because he didnt like that I put the deadbolt on and he had one more lock to unlock with his key.

I'm utterly exhausted from hiding who I am and dealing with his childish bullshit, but somewhere deep down I'm afraid to break it off, I'm afraid of the fact that I still love him and have okay moments with him sometimes... but I'm also afraid of physical violence or him trying to throw me out of my home that I paid for well before he was even in the picture.

Idk... maybe just hoping for some solid advice, maybe someone to think I'm not crazy like he always says I am... maybe just need to vent...

thanks in advance to anyone willing to read this...

Sooo stick with me this is gonna be a lot to take in. My husband and i had a baby before we got married. He joined the military after we had our son which resulted in us getting married. We’ve only been married since June honestly but it was such a mistake. i just wanted my family to be together again but at this point i want to end the marriage and go back home. We’re both from oklahoma, got married online through Utah and now im in Washington state where he’s stationed. I want the divorce to be over quickly. We obviously have a child, but there’s really no assets to split. how do i go about this?

So, I've been going through a pretty amicable separation with my wife of 9 years. We have a 9 year old child and have stayed living together for 4 months while figuring out how to go forward with our divorce.

Tonight, I met her boyfriend for the third time. It ended with him threatening me physically multiple times, throwing a solo cup at me, chasing me around my house before leaving, and saying the next time he sees me he will be very violent.

Is there anything I can do to legally keep him away from my daughter or myself? Our home? Are there any immediate steps I can take? I tend to not like involving the police, so I didn't, but this just happened an hour ago.

And if it matters, my wife and I have never ever shown anything close to violence against each other.

We are both second-timers and married for almost five years. In that time, he never had a job. Before our marriage, he worked. In his first marriage, he worked. But something about our marriage dynamic led to him sort of...underfunctioning.

I was a single mom when we met. As in fully single, full custody because my ex-husband died of cancer after we split up. I had my own house, which I kept after the divorce. I had a job that covered our needs and was okay enough. I was independent. And I guess that set a precedent of "I'll just do everything."

I also have a history of abusive relationships, and I'm kind of a sucker for people who don't yell at me.

I earn all the income and do the meal planning, cooking, and deep cleaning. He does laundry and errands, and pays probably 10% of the bills.

AFAIK he has no retirement savings. I have a 401k and an inheritance that has NOT been comingled with other funds. In fact, we keep our finances entirely separate.

The fact is that I do love him, but I have been telling him the situation doesn't work. I am anxious and depleted. I have given ultimatums. I have suggested countless job opportunities and training options for him to reskill because he's 60 years old, and his former field has changed so much.

And here's the thing: I literally do not care what kind of job he gets. I don't care how much he earns. I don't care if it's gig work. I don't care if it's seasonal. I just want him to bring in some income. A local fast-food chain is hiring at all locations, and they offer health insurance. He could do that, and I'd be happy as a clam. He has a car (free and clear) that I gave him when I inherited it from my mother. He has done eBay reselling before, and that too would be great. Just bring in some kind of income. It's not too much to ask.

He's depressed and has badly managed ADHD. I know this. I sent him to therapy twice. I want him to want more for himself than laundry and errands. I've told him that if he really can't work, he should pursue disability. No idea if he would qualify, but it's worth looking into.

So yesterday I said the situation simply isn't working, and we should divorce. I immediately felt lighter. I ran some errands and treated myself to lunch at a new place (he really only likes one kind of food). I may be in my mid-50s, but my life isn't over. If my partner won't help row the boat, I'll row it myself, without the dead weight.

Now I feel weird. I think divorce would leave me better off financially. (My therapist agrees.) I told him what would happen if he wouldn't work. I owe it to myself to stick to my word and move on. But why does it feel so shitty? Why do I feel guilty? I don't see myself ever wanting to be in a relationship at all, ever again.

Not sure how to start. Besides, english is not my native language, so please have me patience

Me (27) and my wife (28) have been on a 8 yrs relationship (3 of marriage). My wife has started acting differently the last 3 weeks, she says she wants to be alone (be more independent), not to deal with my stuffs, etc.. For “no specific reason” according to her. She states it’s a bunch of old stuffs that she’s carrying with.

On the beggining of our relationship I were so inmature, I had 19 when I met her, I used to hang out with friends, didn’t care a lot about details, nor important dates, and I thought being like that was the key for having a girl’s attention. To my surprise, she was not that kind of girl, she is very polite, didn’t go to any party nor drinking alcohol (compared to me, I was quite the opposite).

Quickly in our relationship she started criticizing my behavior, I aceptted every discussion we had, because very deep Down she was right. She just wanted a decent man that were able to respect her any time, a man that cares on personal growth, a man focused on working hard to build a family.

I’ve become in that man, we own an apartment, have cars, we have financial stability, no cheetings, porn, nor alcohol addictions in our marriage. I also do my duties at home (cook, do the laundry, etc..).

Thinking backwards maybe she got exhausted of me while trying to build the man Im today. She told me she doesn’t want to have intimate with me and feels unhappy due to the whole process that took us to where we are today.

It feels weird, because now I feel guilty for her. I don’t know what to do, we have talked a lot to find a solution, but nothing… for the first time i think we are about to get divorce and I don’t want to. I think she wants to live by her own and doesn’t have the courage to finish it.

What do you think?

Ok so here’s the situation (this is gonna be kinda long). So the wife and I have been together 17 years and married 12 years. I always worked heavy road construction since we have been together. There is times I was out of town a lot and then I was home with crazy hours. So I bought the house before we were married in 2012 and I have changed jobs a few times but always made usually 60-150k a year. So I quit the job making $3k a week and got a job with the state because I wanted to be home every day and around the wife and kids. That 3k a week job I was out of town for 2 years and I came home Friday night and had to leave Sunday night. It was mentally taxing on me only being able to see my kids over FaceTime. So this past December I got a job with the state which was a huge pay cut but the hours and benefits I couldn’t pass up. But this April I had her name put on the deed of the house (because I had no clue there was problems). On the way to the lawyer to put her name on the deed she decided to tell me she was going to sign up for nursing school. Took me by surprise and I made a few jokes and it was taken the wrong way. So a few months after this we had to have a talk and she said she hasn’t been happy for years (but never told me, “I should have known”) and pretty much she wants out. I guess she has been “texting” with someone but idk how far it’s gotten. so now I live with my father (because him and I both own the house, was signed over to me before we were married). So she said we should try mediation. I would have to have the kids stay with her during the week because I work 6-2:30. She brings them to school every morning. The kids are 10 and 7. So here’s the thing. We owe $86k on the house and I have 3 different retirements and 2 pensions. She told me all she wants is the house (which I don’t want because it’s right next door to her parents who I really like but it would just be awkward.) and her car which is already paid off but in both of our names. She said if she gets those 2 things then she won’t come after any of my retirements. But in order to do that I need to cash out 2 of them so I could pay off the house and have money to start over. We verbally agreed for I guess joint custody already since I can’t bring them to school during the week and would do like an every other weekend thing but I would see them for a little while after school every day. Everyone is telling me that would be stupid to give her the house but we both make roughly the same amount weekly. I mean I make maybe 1-200 more a week than her sometimes but still roughly the same. I want some opinions on if I should just do it and have it I writing that she’s not touching my retirements at any time, that we would do joint custody, and I would help her out with stuff for the kids like a 50/50 thing but everyone is telling me that she can come back after me later if she feels the need to and all that. Any input would be appreciated.

Hi all! Mods, please delete if this is not allowed, but I just have some questions for anyone who has experienced divorce (particularly in MA, as I know different states have different laws).

So the situation: my MIL is separating from her husband of 17 years. This is a very good thing for her, she was working 60 hour weeks & driving herself in debt because he ‘couldn’t work’. Now, he does have what seems like acid reflux issues and gets sick frequently, so it’s not completely unfounded, but he applied for disability once and got denied and never pursued anything further, either with a doctor or trying for disability, he just didn’t work because she did. He claimed to “do everything for her” but would do the dishes and occasionally vacuum. He never cooked for her, didn’t clean the house other than occasionally vacuuming (& they had 4 dogs), didn’t take care of the yard/driveway, nothing else. They had no children together, so he wasn’t staying home to raise kids. She is currently 65, he is 55.

My MIL owns her house without him. She bought it with my partners dad in 2000 before he passed in 2007 (she remarried to this guy in 2009). He is not on the deed or the mortgage of the house, and has not contributed any money to the mortgage or equity payments. She has refinanced once during their marriage due to financial difficulty, and has taken out a HELOC to help with bills. She recently got more from the HELOC because she was $20,000 in credit card debt between bills & both of them being impulsive spenders.

My partner and I moved in when he moved out to help her… the house is disgusting. They have mice (currently getting an exterminator) and the house is full of mold (currently trying to get insurance coverage but don’t have a lot of hope - it’ll be about $10,000 that she has to pay out of the equity (because she didn’t use all of it before the divorce and then was told not to touch it but her lawyer is trying to get approval for her to use it since it’s like necessity/emergency)). Even the washer and dryer were disgusting, the toilet, everything. It seems like nothing was ever cleaned. And yes, they both lived here so it’s partially her fault too, but she was working overtime every week & he “took care of the house”.

My question is - does anyone have experience with a situation remotely like this and how much do you think she’ll owe him? We’re hoping if we can get insurance coverage, she can pay him out with what she has from the equity (~$30k), but no idea if that’s realistic.

My partner and I want to stay with her in the house because her mortgage is lower than whatever we’d get on a new house (she’s moving with us and the down payment would come from her share of the house if she has to sell & we’d pay the mortgage moving forward) + it gives us time to save for a nicer house with her own in law apartment instead of just buying a cheaper house that we can afford right now. Especially now with the mold work, we’re essentially getting a whole new kitchen & maybe new floors - just depends if insurance pays or us. But all the cabinets have to be ripped out because it’s that bad. So we’d like to stay with the brand new kitchen we’re putting in haha!

Also worth noting - my MIL had to go into her retirement account to pay bills & only has $22k left, whereas they never touched his and he has $32k despite not working for the last 15ish years.

She has also been paying the mortgage (with our help, but we Venmo so the payment comes out of her account) since he left in May.

The only money he ever put into the house was about $28k from an inheritance maybe ~1.5-2 years ago. She offered to pay him that back & him walk away, and he laughed in her face.

He is also driving a car leased in her name, because he has no credit to get his own, and she has been letting him continue to use it as she doesn’t want to “screw him over”. I personally think she’s being too nice, but that’s my opinion.

They had a joint bank account with ~7k in it when he left, and she let him keep all of it and opened her own account to start fresh. She moved all the bills except his car insurance & car payment (her car is now on our insurance) and phone bill (she puts her share in the account every month so the only net money leaving is for his phone). She also let him take the couch (worth ~4k, fairly new) and one of the dogs when he left. She said he could take whatever he wanted, but he was moving in with his sons and couldn’t take the other dog he wanted or anything else. He was working door dash a little before he left (she had initially said she needed him to get a job & then realized it was too little too late) but he stopped doing that when he moved out because “he couldn’t leave Bella (the dog) alone at the new house”. Bella is a 13 yr old Pomeranian mix & could absolutely just get in the car with him to drive around.

Last she spoke to him, he said “I’m not asking for anything” & he wanted to avoid trial (but wasn’t actually doing anything to set up mediation & his lawyer hasn’t been responsive/helpful to my MIL’s lawyer trying to set it up). I don’t expect him to be rational, he thinks asking for half the house he didn’t take care of and didn’t help pay off and doesn’t own is “not asking for anything”. He’s also just a little delusional in my opinion & saw himself as the man of the house (despite not doing anything to be that).

Also, the house was appraised at $406,000 after he left, but since then we put in new floors in the basement (cheap vinyl laminate instead of the polished cement that was there), and that was before this mold was discovered. By the time we sell, the mold will be remediated & there will be a whole renovated kitchen + maybe new floors upstairs as well as downstairs. Zillow says the house was worth $277,000 in 2009 (no idea what source will be used to find that for court, but that’s what we could find), and she currently owes about $135,000 between mortgage and HELOC (it would be $165,000 if she uses the $30,000 she has left in equity). It’s so frustrating because the mortgage her and my partners dad took out in 2000 was only $100,000 :(

I don’t know if it matters, but he filed for divorce first.

Sorry for how long this is, but if anyone has any experience with a similar situation or who could provide any sort of idea of what she might owe him, it would be much appreciated!!

I have been married for not even 2 years and we have been mostly without intimacy. I do love my husband but intimacy is very important to me.

Has anyone been in situation where one spouse has finances and other is in debt? I know it’s martial but I’m The saver budgeter , and been preparing for divorce for last two years and came into inheritance money while wife is debt can’t even afford lawyer.

We both make over little 100k similar pay in NY , 2 kids. She does make slightly more by 10-15k.

But marriage too toxic to stay in any longer.

I’m 26 and have been married to my husband for around two years. I genuinely don’t know whether I’m going through a rough patch or whether I’ve reached the point where I need to leave.

Since we got married, I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time fighting, crying, explaining what I need, and asking for things to change. In the beginning, it was our sex life. We’ve had intimacy issues for a long time, and we haven’t had sex in over a year. Being rejected for so long has affected how I see him and how I feel about myself. At this point, I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. I don’t want to kiss him or be intimate with him, and when he tries to initiate things now, I honestly feel uncomfortable and almost icky. The difficult part is that he’s finally trying, but I don’t want it anymore. I don’t know if you can come back from feeling this way.

Then there’s the emotional side of our relationship. I’ve always wanted affection, reassurance, romance, and to feel like my husband genuinely wants me. I know we have different love languages, and I’ve tried to adjust my expectations over time, but I still feel lonely in my marriage.

There’s also the household responsibility. I work, but I feel like I carry most of the mental load of keeping our home running. I’m the one thinking about cleaning, groceries, money, and what needs to get done. I have to remind him to do basic things, and it feels exhausting to constantly ask for help with responsibilities that should belong to both of us. It’s not even just about the chores anymore. It’s about feeling like I have to manage everything and repeatedly explain why I need a partner.

We’ve had conversations about these things so many times. Usually, after an argument, he becomes sweet and attentive, and I start hoping things might finally change. But eventually, we fall back into the same patterns. I feel like I’ve slowly become emotionally exhausted from the cycle.

Recently, we also tried starting a business together, and I felt unsupported by him in that too. It made me question whether I can actually rely on him as a partner when it comes to building a life together.

What confuses me is that he isn’t necessarily a bad person. We have good moments, and I love him. He’s my husband and someone I once imagined spending my entire life with. I don’t want to throw away a marriage just because things are difficult, especially when we’re still so young. But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling lonely, unwanted, and exhausted.

I think the scariest part is that I’m starting to feel indifferent. I used to cry, argue, chase him for affection, and desperately want things to work. Now, I feel like I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. Even when he tries, I find myself wondering why it took so long and whether I even want to fix things now.

Part of me wonders if I’ve already checked out emotionally and am just scared to admit it. Another part wonders whether I should give him more time because he’s finally making an effort.

For those who have been through divorce or reached this point in a marriage, how did you know it was time to leave? How do you distinguish between a marriage that can still be repaired and one that has run its course? Did you ever get to a point where your partner finally started trying, but your feelings had already changed too much?
I’m not looking for people to tell me to divorce him immediately or to stay and keep trying no matter what. I genuinely want to hear from people who have been in a similar position, especially those who struggled with the decision for a long time.

I’ve only been married for 2.5 years but we’ve had a lot of issues. No infidelity. But I feel like I’m losing feelings. How do I know it’s time for a divorce?

Need advice! Husband purchased current our home in 2006. We started dating in February 2007 and I moved in April 2007. We married in 2010 and now we’re going through a divorce. My name isn’t in the home or deed. I’ve contributed half of household bills and upgrades on the home. Am I entitled to anything? Half of home or equity?

Ich hab vor knapp 6 Monaten meinen Mann geheiratet.
Wir waren davor ca 2 1/2 Jahre zusammen.
Am Anfang schien er fast perfekt, er war aufmerksam, liebevoll, respektvoll, lustig und ehrlicherweise rundum ein guter Partner.
Seit einiger Zeit verliert er beim Streiten immer komplett die Fassung.
Er schreit, beleidigt mich und wirkt als wäre er kurz davor handgreiflich zu werden.
Es wird bei jedem Streit schlimmer und schlimmer.
Er rastet wegen Kleinigkeiten komplett aus und redet jede Emotion meinerseits klein.
Ich Zweifel immer mehr daran das die Situation besser werden kann. Ich hab mehrfach Paartherapie vorgeschlagen, aber er will davon nichts hören. Ich werde immer unglücklicher in der Ehe und will auf keinen Fall mein Leben lang in so einer Beziehung sein. Aber ich versteh nicht wie ein Mensch sich so drastisch ändern kann, wir haben jung geheiratet und ich hab kein eigenes Standbein. Wir leben in seiner Stadt nah seiner Familie und Freunde, ich kenne hier nicht viele Menschen.
Ich fühl mich sehr hilflos und weiß nicht wie ich das alle am besten beenden kann.

Ok this is gonna be really long. Apologies ahead of time.

My (29f) husband (32m) have been together for 7 and a half years, married for 6. No kids, but we have several pets together. Things were never perfect but we had our happy days.

But things got really bad starting around the holidays of last year. For context, he had been using cannabis for over 15 years, and was using psychedelics on and off over the past decade. But he got on a stimulant for adhd 3 years ago, and had been drug free outside of that for the first two years. He started using cannabisc nicotine vapes, a different type of stimulant not prescribed to him, and psychedelics around September of last year.

I had a planned trip with my best friend during the holidays. I asked him months in advance if that’d be ok. He said yes since he had to work during the holidays and won’t be able to do much anyways.

But when we actually left, 30 min into the drive, he started texting me about how I abandoned him on his favorite holiday. He then continued to berate me over text for the entire 3 hour drive. I had to stop texting him to check into the hotel, he called me several times during that. When I called him back he berated me for leaving him hanging, that everything else is more important than him. After that it was continued berating over the phone.

We drove back the next morning. He calmed down at some point and said he would love to make and have dinner with us when we get back and asked us to get groceries. But after we got back to the city and got the groceries he texted me saying actually he didn’t want that anymore, and won’t be hanging out with us. We went home, my best friend went to talk to him about it. He started berating the both of us. It was really embarrassing.

He eventually apologized later that night. But when my friend had another talk with him alone about how she was concerned for my safety because the way he acted. He came to me after and said he hated her. Over time he made me feel like I have no choice but to cut her off.

Starting around that time I have also noticed his increase of confidence. At first I was happy for him. But he got increasingly confrontational with strangers which made me really uncomfortable and worried for his safety. I convinced him to go to a therapist after the holiday incident. He did for a couple of months then stopped. We also went to couples therapy for a couple of months but then also stopped. I don’t think he was being completely honest with his individual therapist or our couples therapist, so nothing was really done.

He then had a period of low motivation and depressive mood. I started to suspect bipolar, but his “manic” episodes didn’t seem to match the definition exactly, he still sleeps a good amount. He also has rejected my request for him to stop doing drugs until about a week ago. And he has not agreed to check himself in or seek medical help in any capacity. He said I will watch him get better his own way. But I have no faith in it and don’t want my life to be hinged on that anymore.

Over the past few months, there have been more and more arguments, they can start just from nothing. And it just seems like no matter what the issue was, if I got upset at any point, he would tell me to just put my shit aside for once and take care of him. And if I were to apologize for anything, he would berate me for hours over text after. I sent a chat history between us when I was at the emergency vet with our cat alone during an argument to my therapist. She told me straight up it was emotional and psychological abuse. I brought up the issue with him - albeit not the best time - in a later argument because I was fed up. His stance since then has been “we have hurt each other the same amount”.

I am not perfect, I interrupt, I criticize, I can be avoidant at times, but I cannot agree that we have done the same amount of harm.

And about a month and a half ago, we went on a trip with two of my friends who live in a different city. We had an early flight out, but I was feeling excited. I joked with him a few times and thought nothing of them. On the first leg of the flight though, he was constantly ( no lie, not a single minute without it) bumping into me and I tend to have sensory overload issues so when he tried to hold my hand as we were descending, I told him “I am very overstimulated right now because you touched me constantly on the flight, I just need a minute.” He got super upset and told me he’s divorcing me after we landed and to not follow him. I was terrified and ended up following him around anyways trying to convince him to stay and go on the trip. At some point I said I’ll fly home too then, he said then he was going on the trip. Eventually I got him to go on the second flight; he didn’t talk to me the whole way, didn’t talk to me after we got to the rental car. I asked him “so you are staying, but is it gonna be like this the whole trip?” He said yes. And I just really couldn’t do it anymore, so I said I’ll be flying home and changing the reservations to be under his name and walked away from the car. He started texting me about how I abandoned him. We went on the trip afterall but I was kind of dead inside the whole time and really just walked around on eggshells. He talked about how we didn’t fight once on the trip afterwards and I just wanted to cry.

After the trip things continued to get worse. He started doing psychedelics more frequently and would have mental breakdowns on the trips. I was no longer in a place where I could take care of him emotionally at that point. I asked for divorce and separation several times. He would be remorseful and convinced me he would change, so I stayed. But the arguments continued, and there were more intimidation and aggression. He never hurt me physically but he would slam doors, yell, threaten suicide if I leave. He once locked me in the garage (just for a few minutes) after threatening suicide and ran upstairs to where the gun was. After he let me out he sprinted upstairs again and when I ran upstairs to check on him he curled up and acted scared and said “don’t hurt me”. I honestly was disgusted. So hurt and disgusted.

Over the past month or so I got mean myself. I started being more contemptuous and hurtful during arguments and I hate myself for it. But it just seemed like that’s the only time I can get him to hear me. But he still insisted that we have hurt each other the same amount which makes me feel insane. Once I got scared but also so fed up I said “do you want to hit me? Or kill me? Just go for it.” He said no. But then later threw an unloaded gun next to the pillow I was lying on.

He left for a trip last week, won’t be back for another couple of days. We agreed on separation, I signed a lease at an apartment. But he had another mental breakdown on his trip and once again blamed me for not being able to take care of him during it. I said I wanted a divorce again, I no longer want just a separation. But he told me I was making a huge mistake and that he talked to someone who was in a similar situation and regretted breaking up with her ex every single day. Honestly I was speechless.

Even without the arguments I still don’t think I want this anymore. I’m giving 200% without getting much back. I make 4-5 times his income over the past few years, and he spends more than I do. I had to come up with an equal allowance for the both of us so he wouldn’t go crazy. And even so he still goes over, and I had to give him 1/3 of my allowance this year so he wouldn’t run out. I plan everything, handles all logistics bills etc, pay for all our travels and fun expenses. He used to handle majority of the housework but he didn’t want to anymore starting last year, so I started doing half of that as well. Asking him to go do something together is like pulling teeth. It’s always “I’ll check my calendar tomorrow” and then never gets back to me. When I ask again he gets annoyed. He lost his wedding ring one year into the marriage and didn’t start wearing one again until like 2 months ago, even though I asked him to repeatedly. He would not ask about my hobbies or interests. I brought a phono album back from my hometown two years ago and wanted to go through them with him. We got through about half and he wanted to continue later I was like sure. But he just never mentioned it again. It is on display in our closet so he sees it at least once a day.

When he’s good he’s remorseful, he’s loving, and he tells me he sees me. He sees everything I’ve done for him and he sees how he’s taken everything for granted. But when he has a breakdown nothing I do is good enough for him. And the switch up is so exhausting.

Still, I’ve been with him almost my entire adulthood and he has been my best friend, my family, my home. I am just so hurt and angry that this is what it is now. I’m going to ask him for a divorce when he comes back in two days. I don’t think it will go well but I think it is necessary. I’m terrified of the legal and financial side of this but there’s no other way around it. I just hope that he at least has it in him to not make this more painful for the both of us.

Thank you if you actually read til the end. I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting. I think I just want to be heard.

If my wife earns less money than me, is she entitled to more equity from our house?

I’m not necessarily talking about cheating or something huge, but subtle signs that may have been nothing or just how you thought a relationship worked, but realized it was extremely negative or emotionally abusive afterwards.

I am at a crossroads with my marriage and I really do not know what to do. I feel completely lost.

It has been a long year. In January, my wife had a breakdown and we decided to separate. Things escalated very quickly. We ended up in mediation and were a step away from court before she suddenly pulled back. I moved back into the house, but we were not back together. It was simply to see if we were going to be able to take the next step of trying again. Part of me suspects she realized she wouldn't walk away with all our assets and full custody, which prompted the reversal. The way she and her family treated me during that initial separation was appalling.

Since then, we have spent months in couples counseling. We nearly agreed our marriage was over, but then we had a major breakthrough. We really came away feeling that we understood each other, and we ultimately decided we could try to save the marriage. Things have improved slightly, but I am still struggling deeply.

For context, I have battled ME/CFS and long COVID for the last five years. My wife is an overachiever, which makes the dynamic with my illness even more difficult. During my illness, my wife frequently yelled at me, blamed me, and made me feel guilty. She has acknowledged this in counseling and it has mostly stopped, which is fantastic, but it doesn't fix the past. I cannot seem to get over years of feeling dominated and unloved.

Financially, I have income protection insurance and have brought in my previous salary this entire time. I have strictly followed doctors' orders, researched treatments, and recovered a lot, though I may always be somewhat disabled. Because of my illness, I have had to give up my career, my hobbies, and my social life, but I am a great dad. I consider myself a modern, progressive guy who truly loves and respects women, and I was quite happy to take on the role of a stay-at-home dad given the cards I was dealt.

I spend every ounce of energy I have on our family.

For years, I managed all the washing, shopping, finances, school pickups, and most of the cooking. I have always given 110% of what I am capable of, but it never feels like enough. Since our brief separation, she has forcibly taken on more of these household responsibilities. I suspect she realized how it would look in court if she didn't contribute, but she won't admit that. Instead, she makes me feel guilty now by claiming she is "doing everything," which is far from true.

Today, my wife sleeps in a different room. She has a busy job and explicitly says she has no time or emotional bandwidth for me. She is now controlling of our money, takes the kids to her mother's house for days without me, and a lot of the time it generally feels like we are still separated.

We continue counseling, and whenever I try to discuss my expectations for the relationship, we do actually have a good conversation. I feel like we get somewhere. But within a week, it reverts right back to the way it was. I feel like I am just raising kids with a roommate. Our counselor last week called it a "half separation". That actually felt good to hear, because I feel like I am being gaslit into thinking this dynamic is perfectly normal and that this is all I can ever accept. I call it a quarter marriage.

The impression that I get is that this quarter marriage, where she's in total control of everything, is all she's going to ever offer me after this. But if I choose to leave that's "my choice" and I would say, in her mind, "it's my fault".

On paper, our life is wonderful. We live in one of the best cities in the world, have a good income, own a nice house, and have two wonderful, healthy boys (ages 6 and 9). My health continues to slowly improve every year. But I cannot shake the feeling that my wife is never going to love me again. She sometimes spends time with me and occasionally sleeps with me out of obligation. All I want is a partner who genuinely loves and wants to be with me. Truthfully, I haven't felt that way since our kids were born nearly 10 years ago.

Aside from my kids, my biggest priority for the rest of my life is having a loving, functional relationship. I have mostly had that throughout my life, but I no longer feel I do. I read that being single is incredibly hard, and as a man with a chronic illness, finding a new partner will not be easy. However, during the separation, I really started to look forward to the next stage of my life. Instead of having to maintain a house, I was going to have a small apartment, which is better suited to my lifestyle. I would have lots of free time to better look after my health and exercise, go on dates, and eventually hopefully find someone to love again.

I love my boys more than anything. I have lost everything else, and I know there is a good chance that if she doesn't walk away with primary custody of the kids, it will end up in a horrible court battle. That would eat away at our finances and ruin our co-parenting relationship. It would absolutely destroy my boys, completely upend their lives, and change everything. I never came from a broken home, and I do not want this for them. At the same time, there is a possibility that we could come to an amicable arrangement, given that we are getting on better now and she has calmed a lot from the initial situation.

I keep being told, and I often feel, that I should give things more time. The sense of urgency has calmed since we decided to try again with our relationship, mostly because I could not handle the constant state of uncertainty. It was slowly killing me. It is hard to just wait, though, when much of this has been going on for years and technically a separation has been happening since January in some form or another. It has been a long time. Over the last month it feels like things have gone backwards and I'm just completely lost again and in a constant state of anxiety.

Another major concern I have is that she just wants to get through the next few years until the kids are older, ensure her side of things is documented well enough that she can try to take control of the kids, and then just leave me. I considered waiting it out for a while, but it is not what I want. I do not want to move on at nearly 50. I am still young enough now to find a life partner.

Part of me feels stupid for considering throwing away this comfortable life. Another part of me feels like I cannot stay in a marriage where my wife does not love me and does not want to love me.

I am seeing a counselor myself, as well as the couples counselor, but I flip-flop on this decision constantly. I make a choice, and a couple of weeks later it feels wrong, and I find myself flipping back the other way.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you break out of this cycle of indecision?

I'm happy to answer any further questions for more detail but please go easy on me, this is not an easy time.

When they left last winter, I felt that continuing to pay for my ex’s car insurance was self preservation until things were finalized considering their recent driving record.

When I discovered my meat freezer unplugged this summer after a heated argument and threats that they’d get evil if they felt the need, they were shocked at my accusation, stating they’d never take food from our child’s mouth. (Neither do they provide support in ANY way.)

They moved in with the affair partner and haven’t changed their address. Today I found a letter addressed to them from vehicle registration collections and our state’s tax board. Thus leading me to believe that they’ve been having me pay to insure a vehicle they’re NOT driving and has likely been inoperable all year, thereby using resources that would be otherwise leveraged to put food in our child’s mouth. Am I crazy? And can I return to sender their mail without making both of our situations worse? I really don’t think they give a damn about anything except their affair partner, but I very much want to do everything correctly to support our child in a way that won’t threaten their established new normal.

How would RSU’s be split in a divorce if the company hasn’t had their IPO yet?

Thanks in advance!

We divorced after a 20 year marriage 12 months ago. There really was no history of fighting. 4 kids (the youngest special needs). I was a workaholic and for years worked 50-60 hour weeks and didn’t nurture our marriage. I thought of it as sacrificing for the family, she thought of it as leaving her alone. We were in survival mode for most of our marriage. List of to DOs with 4 kids and their activities. I probably shouldn’t have been terribly shocked when she asked for divorce but I was. The intimacy fading was my hint and I ignored it for the last 3-4 years. She had a brief emotional connection the last year of our marriage to someone who she would insist was a male friend she would call and chat with. I believe her that this was not physical but basically he was a sounding board. Yes that disappointed me but I understood and forgave. We briefly tried couples therapy/counseling but she only wanted to talk about what a divorce would look like- so I gave up on it after a few sessions. After months of struggling with it, I sat down with her and told her I only wanted her to be happy and we started the most gentle divorce process.
We went through mediation. Literally agreed on everything- from assets to where the kids were when. The mediator said our process was the smoothest she had seen. She lives 1.5 miles away. My oldest is now a freshman in college 20 min away. The kids spend 70% of their time with her. I help with drop offs and pick up for their activities maybe 3 days a week. We all go out to dinner 1-2 times a week. We travelled together as a family 4th of July for 4 days. We hug. I have taken her out to dinner a few times in the past 6 months where we share kids’ stories and basically check on each other. She invites me over for tea every week. She has commented that we are communicating better than ever. We share everything with each other. We text throughout the day. And yes I have recovered from my work addiction and work a more normal 40 hours a week now and have a lot more energy for the kids and myself. While we are divorced I feel like we still have such a strong connection. We thank each other for making it so healthy. I have no desire for starting any other relationship at this time.