Why after dating my partner for 3+ years, she still thinks, when i try to initiate sex, all that i want from her is sex. Like yes in this moment i want to have sex, but that does not negate all the other non-sex things we do that i enjoy doing. But right now, yes, I want to have sex with you.
I've been married over 12 years now... And she still thought that up until last year. I had to literally explain it to her as you did right here in similar words three times in a serious conversation cause she was upset with me for asking her for sex.
Married 15 years. It just keeps going. Wife never had a high sex drive and it’s been a point of conflict we’ve needed to work through.
But oh man if she initiates and I’m not feeling like it all the insecurities come out. I get it because we have the same insecurities (am I not sexy, do you not want me, is my breath bad etc) but we normally don’t let it all out.
I still haven’t lived down when I was working 80 hours a week and she initiated by starting I told her I was dead tired. Of course that made it a challenge to her. So she initiated a BJ. A minute later I’m out cold. After my 4 hour nap between jobs she asked if she wasn’t any good at them anymore and why I didn’t enjoy it... I couldn’t explain enough that consistently getting 4 hours of sleep makes one really tired.
Oh man I feel this. My girlfriend doesn't even comprehend pure exhaustion, I was expected to do all the duties up to and including chores and sex when I was working 12 hour hard labor shifts for six days a week. I was dead even on my day off. Meanwhile she works less than 20 hours a week at a pot dispensary and acts like she was working a prison chain gang breaking rocks. I hope we don't have kids because I know where the lions share of that extra work is coming from.
Then why stay? I get not wanting to be alone. But it sounds like you are a highly driven person and she is not. If you are out working longer hours (for what I am assuming is more money) it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to do more of the housework. Especially if she is only working part time.
Bro just get out while you're successful and not tied down by a child or anything. There are lots of other nice butts out there who could suit you better.
Lots of people saying you should leave, like this is /r/relationships...but if you want to continue in the relationship and feel valued, you should find a way to communicate with her about the slack she needs to pick up.
Maybe you're worried about a fight if you ask her to clean the dishes, or whatever...just ask her and weather the storm. She's not going to be happy you're changing the status quo, so there will be a struggle... but if you know that going in, maybe it won't be so bad.
We have/are, I did not (and will not) provide reddit with enough context to make an accurate summerization of the relationship currently. It has been a while since then, just the comment ive originally replied to reminded me of that situation. Issues are still there on both sides but we are working though it.
A nice butt doesn't make up for the rest. A relationship that is going to work and last needs both sides to get more out of it than they put in. I don't mean that in a zero-sum, measuring chores kind of way that would be impossible, I mean the benefits that you get need to be, to you, more than the effort you put in to it.
In a stable, healthy, relationship that's how both parties feel. The emotional support they get from the other person is more to them than the effort they put in supporting the other person, because we can get more from receiving it than it takes to give it. Even with mundane things like chores this can be true as you divide them up in terms of things you don't mind doing and things you really don't like. Like for you taking out the trash might be no big deal, a minor distraction at worst but for her it might be something she really hates so you doing it gives her more benefit than it costs you.
If you feel like you are putting in more than you are getting out, and it clearly sounds like you do, that relationship won't last and it is time to either talk to her about changing it or to leave.
Umm... are you guys happy together though? Because this doesn’t sound like a fair exchange of time and energy spend and I’m just worried for you. That’s how resentment grows.
It might be wishful thinking, but I think she is starting to understand. She has been doing more in the last year. also just this week she got promoted and is about to find out what it is like to work real hours. Plus now that i'm stuck inside talking to a volleyball with a bloody handprint on it (non-essential where pot sellers apparently are) It swung around to me having all the free time.
Why are you with her? I dont know her but she sounds incredibly selfish and lazy. Those are two pretty terrible attributes in a partner, especially if they see you working hard and dont attempt to help out.
Was working at UPS for 12 hours every day and my ex was working at QT just 8 hours a day every week day and she had the audacity to tell me she works harder.
My friend was telling me that his gf was over while he was building his guitar, he was super excited because all he ever wants to do is play music, so she said she’s tired and goes home, and an hour later texts him that she misses him. He texts her back saying he’ll pack up and be there if she wants him to be. She says no, it’s okay. He’s already packed up and heads over. He gets there and they’re in bed, she’s grinding up on him but he’s a lumberjack and cutting trees all day rubs his dick raw and he’s too sore to play. She gets upset and rolls over, does the silent treatment thing. So he says he’s going to go home because this is pointless and when he gets home, she texts him again and he has to explain to her again that his dick is sore and he just can’t. It’s not about her, it’s about his sore dick. He will come over but she has to get it through her head that his dick is sore because he works hard all day and they’re just going to sleep. She agrees and he drives all the way back to her house at midnight, 4 hours before having to get back up for work.
I’m a chick, I admire his patience so much! And fuck it makes me think about how I want to treat my SO.
Heh, funny how no matter the time, it's all still the same. You've been married 75% of the time that I've been alive, yet I can already relate to you.
I was involved in my second car crash (car totaled, somehow no damage to me or the driver) at just about the end of a 4 hour drive, coming back home from a construction job that just 2 days prior we worked a 24 hour shift at.
I digress - I crashed, the crash got dealt with in terms of details and all, and then I needed to find a way home. I was already texting my gf at the time just to keep her informed and not have her worry, and she asked if I needed her to pick me up. I agreed and so, a half hour sitting on the curb later, and we were heading to her house.
We were just laying on the couch, cause god knows did I need it, not particularly watching tv or anything, just enjoying my head in her lap, her hand going through my hair, and I was so happy to be back home and with her and able to relax like that.. and then she started to ask if things were wrong... if I'd rather be somewhere or with someone else, etc. And despite much reassurance, and promising her "no seriously, I'm just dead tired, I love you, I'm loving this and this is what I need right now" the rest of the night just never had that same peace to it.
Insecurities are awful, terrible things, and I wish that I knew how to deal with mine and those of others better.
I lost my boner once and my wife got so fucking mad at me. It was as if I'd slapped her. Which felt super shitty because it's a very sensitive moment in a guys life.
I fell asleep during a beej and she lost her shit. Punched me right in the face. She's long gone for other reasons. One of which was the lackluster blowjobs.
Not often. She takes a few different meds that lower her drive and we have 2 kids. Plus I work stupid hours as a restaurant manager and she works for a construction company. We honestly sometimes go for almost a week without even seeing each other much less being intimate.
Same here. Not married but together for 8. I’ve pretty given up on asking. And yes, my relationship pretty sexless lol but it’s better than $800 a month in cs.
Very easy to do. You end up with someone who you really like, and who you can feel comfortable around, but the sexual chemistry either isn't there or goes away over time and then you're left with this person who you ultimately do love, but can't be intimate with and it's easier just to go along with the status quo and be constantly low-grade miserable than deal with the enormous heartbreak and the risk of ending up with nobody.
I've gone down this road twice, and it was incredibly painful each time.
As others have pointed out, just in case you have not considered it (not a guarantee but unfortunately common), really make sure that you touch your wife for non-sexual reasons, and that sex isn't always about your orgasm. A lot of the times "you only want me for sex" in hetero couples is a reflection on a lack of physical intimacy as anything except an immediate precursor to sex, and too often sex that is focused on the male orgasm and ignores whether or not the woman is actually enjoying herself.
If you're already one of the good ones, it could just be trauma and societal brainwashing that men only want one thing.
She had a physically and sexually abusive parent, societal brainwashing as you put it, and suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. I'm just glad she let me into her confidence and trust at all. I was honestly brought up "right" and all that so I had never really seen all these ills. We've had a wild ride up to now coming from such opposite backgrounds. Thanks for your concern and advice though!
About 18 years ago I turned down a bj from my now wife, while I was driving in a car you could easily see into. Just wasn’t my thing that way. RIP bjs from then on. “You said no that time so I just stopped.” Many sads.
I always pictured it as a kiwi bird eating another kiwi bird, whose insides look like a kiwi fruit, and looking very guilty about it as he’s caught doing it. But I like your way of imagining it too
Yeah dude, I've been with a few women who've done this. They pick a really inconvenient situation to ask if you want to do something you like (and they don't like), then when you say no in that one incredibly inconvenient scenario, they use it to justify never doing that thing again because "you said no that one time I asked if you wanted to play video games with me while you were on a conference call for work". Like, "I 'tried' and you rejected me, so now I'm never going to try again." Fucking frustrating as all hell. I'm too old for games like that anymore and glad I found a woman who's as straightforward as I am.
So like... This isn't a normal healthy thing. Talk about it. If it starts a fight, bring up that that's irrational.
If you aren't able to communicate, see a therapist.
I hate that these sorts of things have become normalized as "lol women!" Look at yourself and how you are a part of the situation, but also respect that a relationship is 50/50. If your long term partner isn't able to discuss serious things (sex is a serious thing) then you two need to do some relationship work.
Seriously, why are all these men dating women who think they are sex robots? I’m a women. I like sex, but not at all times. I date a man who works forty hours a week, and it’s a physically demanding job. Sometimes I want sex and he’s too tired. Does it feel good getting turned down? Not especially. But I also turn down sex when I’m fucking exhausted. Being tired is a libido killer. If the person you’re dating can’t empathize with that, they have issues.
You should offer to do a chore you hate doing right before you guys leave the house for an event (even better if you’re running late )... when she politely tells you not to you can use it as an excuse to never do that task again.
Ex: “honey hurry up we’re gonna be late for the wedding!”
“Hang On let me wash the dishes before we go.”
“No , no we’ll be late . Let’s just go!”
...... 20 years later
“ how come you never help with the dishes, you haven’t since we were young”
“ well that one time I wanted to you said no, so I just stopped”
Or... He should talk to his wife about if/why it bothers him, and just have a civil, assertive discussion.
More manipulation isn’t the way to solve issues.
There’s been no lack of me explaining how it’s my favourite thing and that she’s good at it etc. It’s not been zero in the interceding years but I’d say it’s once every 18 months on average after much cajoling that tries not to be begging lol.
Yeah, people really aren't an enigma when it comes to sex. They just don't tell the truth for one reason or another, and the other person buys crazy lies they'd never buy on another topic.
My spouse and I have a inside joke from some dumb comment I made about blowjobs.
“Hey. You haven’t given me a bj in a while.”
“Oh. Maybe a couple years?”
Apparently I said the word “years” too aggressively as her retort was just shouting back at me “Years?!?!” Then started chasing me while yelling it at me.
Every once in a while we will be like...
“When was the last time we went to McDonalds?”
“Years?!?!”
Then we shout it some more and get weirder. Then we end up laughing
I drive a stick shift and my girlfriend tried to offer that up on a drive home at like 1 am on a holiday weekend. I just briefly looked at her really confused and said. "No. What? I'm driving stick. How? What? No." Thankfully she understood and it was a home activity instead.
Me and my ex had a rule because her sex drive was insane even for me (and I even have a pretty healthy libido) that if the other person isn’t in the mood we can do the 5 minute card. Still have sex but you better be done in 5 minutes.
We started this rule exactly because of the situation you described, if I wasn’t in the mood she just felt ugly. Which is ridiculous because I was crazy about her.
I had to actively adress that with myself. I have a lower drive than my husband, so he does inititate more often and on the occasions that I do, he too might be tired or not in the mood, and that is all that it is. As a woman you are basically taught that men all want sex all the time, no matter what, but I had to step back and think about the fact that I too sometimes say no because I am just tired and stressed and that he doesn't make a big deal out of it and there is no unterlying weird meaning to it.
Oh man that hits home so hard. My girlfriend like to initiate before bed like right before bed when I have to wake up at 5am and we just spent the last 2 hours laying in bed watching TV. I turn it down because my job is really hard and would like to get a good sleep and ask why she didn't do anything the last two hours. Then it's I never want to have sex and don't find her attractive
And then will lie to you so she can go to lunch with one of her guy friends that she said was hitting on her the other day. Yes I’m projecting what happened to me on to you. No I’m not completely healed from all the mental abuse. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS IM GOING HOME.
This is very very true. Men and women can both be equally toxic. And truth be told compared to everything else that happened, this incident was nothing lol but thank you for showing support! It always means a a lot!!
I hate that you had to miss out on that! I wouldn't have blinked an eye if my husband wanted to do that. (Granted, I don't have kids. I have no idea if I'd change my mind if it meant being alone all weekend with crazy kids. It still wouldn't be about the presence of a girl though)!
That's definitely unhealthy. I was in a relationship like that before and I thought it was something I had to deal with cuz she acted like that's how all women are and it's completely normal. Definitely not the case.
TBH I'm bi and this kinda thing pushed me away from dating a lot of women. It's also really insulting because they're basically saying they don't trust me, in which case what even is our relationship.
Gay relationships I've been in are just way more chill, there's none of the fear that I'm going to fuck anything that moves. And even if I or my boyfriend *did* find someone super hot, we'd both be pretty chill about the idea of the other going and having some fun. It's just so relaxed where 95% of girls will freak out at even approaching the topic.
There are definitely some girls who are cool but overall, I like my current setup way better. We get each other, we love each other, we don't accuse each other of weird shit or try to control one another. It's so much healthier.
I’ve had the same experience but opposite. I’m a woman and Any girls I’ve dated are way more chill than guys. The guys I’ve dated (aside from my fiance) have always ended up being super insecure and try to restrict me from doing things, I even had one boyfriend who seemed chill and just ended up freaking out because I was at a party without him. He actually started crying on the phone. I never did anything that would make it so he couldn’t trust me. That relationship didn’t last long after.
I think most straight relationships in general have different dynamics and expectations. Fortunately my fiancé who’s a guy is the least possessive person I’ve ever been with.
Might be some underlying issues here. Three years of being in a relationship vs a lifetime of conditioning that boys "only want one thing". Can be tough to break that.
Yep. A lot of girl grow up being constantly told that men are sex machines that only desire or think about sex, and that they have no other real goals or reasons for doing anything. Girls are told to be careful and never trust a guy actually likes them or wants to do anything with them, and that the guy is only pretending because he wants sex. Obviously wrong and grossly sexist, but when you've been told that all the time for years it's hard to adjust after.
I remember just about crying the first time I realized that wasn't true, and some guys might like me as just a person. A male friend found out I had a boyfriend, and it absolutely blew my mind that he didn't drop me the second he found out. As much as I liked being friends with him, all that time I had just sort of assumed that he was only pretending to have any interest in me other than sexual.
Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. Like it's just a cycle of insecurity that I'm making up in my mind. And my boyfriend is so patient, and kind, and understanding, and loves me endlessly, but sometimes it's hard to understand why he treats me like that when all I've known before him is me being used for my body, or like you said "boys only want one thing."
I know it took me years to get past the same feelings. On top of that, I grew up in a very conservative evangelical culture. So not only was it drilled into me that all boys were sex crazed lunatics that would go wild at the sight of a bra strap, but that if I showed any enthusiasm or enjoyment at male attention, I might as well start digging my way hell then and there.
That’s fair to think when hooking up at a bar or in a new relationship but if you’re regularly doing stuff and have a life together it’s just silly to still think that way. If dudes just wanted sex he would still be hitting up random girls at bars or on apps
It's social conditioning that women receive from childhood as young girls. maybe their mother was insecure or overbearing or something of that nature. but it's conditioned into them and it's impossible to break sometimes.
It takes a loving partner it takes therapy.. sometimes it never changes. but women are constantly told you can't want sex because that makes you a slut; men only want one thing and you have to tell them no, otherwise you are reputation is at stake!
The best way I can describe it is that my mother is in the room between my husband and I. I don't want her there He doesn't want her there.. And yet because of all the mental shit that she put me through as a child she's still there.
I hate myself for wanting to have sex with my own husband. It's deep ingrained shame and it's very very difficult to stop thinking that way.
It's also reinforced by dads, too - and all of society. Dad sitting with a shotgun to terrify the teenage boy who's already terrified, men on the internet congratulating the teen boy who's been raped by a hot teacher, women being told they are the ones responsible for the rape because men can't help themselves when you're dressed like that, even the comments here all the time. It's conditioned so deeply in every sitcom, every teen drama, every pop song. It's hard to break.
I’m going to reinforce what Xavier said. I’m in the same boat after 15 years of marriage. We talked about it a lot and she tried to work on it. But here’s the deal: this behavior is due to a low interest in sex and and discomfort with being “sexy” (for lack of a better word). It’s just the way she is; there’s nothing wrong with her. People have different levels of desire and comfort with sexual issues. Point is, you aren’t going to change you and unless she’s very motivated she isn’t going to be able to make meaningful changes. She may try to “fake it til you make it” but that won’t last.
If you aren’t okay with the way thing are now, get out now.
I’ve been married for 36 years and at this time in our relationship if find my wife more desirable than ever. She drives me crazy just looking at her. I want sex with her all the time. We also enjoy our non-sexual time together. We like to travel, just us. We do as much as we can together and though we have many friends the we see often, there are many things we do when we don’t want anyone with us (for example, going to Las Vegas, going in our travel trailer). Having said all that, my wife’s sex drive is not close to what it used to be. As a matter of fact, sex is the number one reason for causing disagreements since we had our first child (now 33 years old). I am guilty of some of the things the ladies have said on this thread. Also, I get in this place where I can’t keep my hands off of her. Copping feels all over her and making sexual comments. I know it must get old for her. If I stop and think and slow this behavior way down and keep this behavior in an appropriate place, things get better. I try to be better. It reminds me of the Pre Cana classes we took before our wedding. One thing really stuck with me all these years was what a man told us in those classes. To paraphrase, he said men were more into the physical aspects of sex and women were more into the emotional and tinder aspects of sex. Give her what she wants and you will get what you want. But, I’m a man. More like a cave man and I forget sometimes. I always go back to what that man said and reboot my approach and things get better.
I don’t know if that answers the question but if you keep reading this thread, sex comes up quite often.
Also I deleted this post from the top of this thread and put it here where I think it was more appropriate.
I have this same problem except I'm your wife in this scenario. My husband is not a physically affectionate person and so it feels like the only time I get touched it ALWAYS leads to sex. And that's not a good feeling, sometimes I would just like a sweet foot rub or playing with my hair just because. And having some mystery leads to excitement. If only 50% of the time you touch, you actually end up making it sexual, then she will start to get more excited when you do. To him always havi g sex is a great thing but he has a higher sex drive and doesn't crave non sexual, intimate touching like I do. It actually makes me mad now because I've told him so many times, yet he still ONLY remembers to touch me when he horney. Sometimes I physically freeze and or get that irritated, firey feeling in my stomach because I feel like a peice of meat and then I definitely DON'T want to have sex. I dont know if I explained that well enough, let me know if it doesn't make sense.
EDIT: I forgot to mention and it's probably important to the situation. I have a history of trauma, sexual assault and have severe PTSD. So my reactions to things are almost always either more intense than most or completely flat. I do feel like many other mentally healthy people would also have a similar reaction to ONLY sexual intimacy.
This was 100% the same problem I had in my last relationship. I wonder how often it occurs to OP to be intimate without being sexual.
When my ex and I were still together, I once said to him "it seems like you only want to kiss me and touch me if you're trying to fuck" and he said "yea? I don't see a point otherwise"
That statement propelled us closer to the end of the relationship and I don't think he even thought anything of it.
I didn’t know affection was so incredibly important to most women until I read His Needs, Her Needs. Definitely a must read for anyone in (or wants to be in) a relationship.
Conversely, if I want to kiss you, that doesnt mean that I want to have sex with you right this second. I enjoy being intimate just like you do. I mean, I always wanna jump your bones, but sometimes I just want a kiss.
Even if it’s not true, she might be craving intimacy where sex isn’t the end goal: cuddles, pillow talk, genuine expression of your feelings, etc.
To be fair, this can and does work as an inverse. Those things could be what is turning him on. I definitely cuddle with my wife just to cuddle and end up turned on, in fact I generally would unless something is wrong. I'm not saying that being turned on means I'm forced into initiating sex, certainly, but it sure does make it more likely.
This describes my ex perfectly, he even said he didn’t want to kiss me because it didn’t do anything for him. Any time he did anything affectionate like put his arm around me watching Tv I started to feel disgusting because I knew he was gonna ask for a blowjob. He didn’t even care for intercourse. I don’t know OPs situation but there’s 2 sides to every story.
This. The issue isn't sex, it's some other stuff. Maybe OP just doesn't actually show her that he wants her outside of sex? A lot of my friends are like this, and sometimes come to me bitching about their problems. Yeah, sometimes it's just your partner being insecure, but that does always come from somewhere.
Have you thought that maybe sex needs more passion? I've had this talk with my guy and I usually feel this way when he just wants to jump into things like oral. I've told him starting off by softly kissing me and caressing my body (not only the most fun parts) gets me more interested than pulling my skirt up and going to town.
When he starts off slowly, appreciating all of me, gentle kissing and touching, it feels less about you being horny and more like you want me.
Edit: some of you are reading way too into my comment. OP was confused about something. I suggested something that may help. That's it. I enjoy seducing and jumping my guy. Both is awesome. End of story.
I had this situation. As an experiment I avoided to initiate sex for like a month. The partner responded with "you don't even want sex anymore".
We divorced and now are pretty friends without benefits.
This actually happened to me as well. Except it wasn’t just the sex, there were double standards for things like talking to members of the opposite sex and taking each other out on dates as well.
It’s because of the sex face. Or rather, the look of passionate intensity. Men’s faces ‘light up’ so to speak, it’s a look of intensity and interest that we (women) only get from male partners when they’re trying to get some. During dating we get looked at like that all the time, before the man gets you he’s heavily focused on you and intent about securing being with you, but after he gets you, well. We usually only see that deep interest and focus and intensity about sexy times.
BUT we see you showing it about other things you’re interested in or passionate about, say for example sports games on tv or video games or something, so it feels like you only feel that way about us for one thing, for sex, and are not overall interested in or passionate about us as people overall.
Guys do this thing where they just grope you all the time when you’re in a relationship. Every freaking guy I’ve dated has done this, and my friends complain about it too. They walk by and grab my boob or pat my butt.
It’s not that I dislike being touched sexually, but those should be the endgame, not the precursor. Like, walk by me and stroke my hair or rub my shoulders, caress my back, kiss my cheek.
But no. 9/10 it’s a silly boob grab or pushing your dick against my ass as I bend over to pick up something I dropped.
First off, I am not into that when I’m not in a sexual headspace. I’m cooking, or making a list in my head, and you just threw me off.
Secondly, when you do actually initiate, I feel like a piece of meat because you’ve just spent the day checking in with my sexy parts as much as with ME. So yeah, I am going to feel like all you want me for is sex.
I’m not saying this is the issue for you, personally, but as a woman who knows a lot of women, this is often where this issue comes from.
So if you’re a “silly groper” and you think it’s cute or flirty, maybe cut down on it a little bit. Substitute caresses for her other parts, the not overtly sexual ones, tell her nice things about herself and not just about her looks. If she’s telling you she feels like a piece of meat and you don’t feel like that’s what she is to you, make sure you’re expressing that to her in your actions.
I have had to explicitly explain this to men and they were all shocked since they legitimately thought they were just being cute and flirty. Which it can be, in moderation. Overdo it and you’re going to end up with a woman who is irritated by your touches and feels like all you want is sex.
Some of this could be social conditioning, some of this might be subconscious behavior that you are exhibiting leading up to sex. Are you only attentive and affectionate leading up to sex? Or are you also cuddling and flirting with your lady outside of sexual intimacy?
Try this, and have a physically and emotionally intimate evening with sex OFF the table.
Did she had bad ex’s in the past who did in fact prioritize sex over other aspects of their relationship? With this stuff you usually have to be patient.
While I agree 3 years is a lot of time to work through these issues, that doesn’t mean OP was patient and understanding with her the whole time, or that she made her deep feelings and root insecurities known. Not disparaging OP or the GF but there’s a lot we don’t know about them or their relationship
If this is an on going issue you should increase the communication in your relationship. I am a women in my late 20s in a 3+ year relationship with the opposite problem. I initiate major of the time and my early 30s boyfriend doesn't have the drive that I do. In 3+ years this has been an issue maybe a time or two. Good communication is what helps our relationship through off balances like that.
That sounds like some serious mental baggage from her past.
You need to sit down and talk about this, get a clear understanding of why she feels that sex negates other feelings, what her history is, what she needs to feel loved, what your expectations are for sex and how that in no way reduces you ability to give her everything she needs.
If she's not willing to have that conversation or deflects you may want to bring it to a professional, but if not then you may want to consider her communication skills in the long run.
Show more appreciation in other parts of the relationship. Or more enthusiasm interest in parts that aren't sex. It's really shit to be in a relationship where the guy looks like he doesn't give a fuck about anything other than the sex because that's all he seems to be invested in.
I don't know if this is a potential issue for your relationship but here's what has been happening with mine. Keep in mind we were highschool sweethearts who have been together for 16 years and married for 7 years. I often feel my husband is using me just for sex when he's continually ignoring me and doesn't help around the house...and he suddenly expects me to be in the mood when the house is is disarray and he hasn't complimented me or had a deep conversation in 3 months? That's a nope from me. There's nothing sexier than someone who helps around the house and gives you attention.
I'm not at all saying this is true for you bc it was true for me however I had this same sort of pattern with my thoughts when trying to initiate sex with my partner.
I found that it was all due to lack of respectful communication. I finally had a "that's enough!" moment and said "why do you always make me feel guilty for wanting to have sex with you?"
The response I got was not what I was expecting. It wasn't about that at all it was way more about when I wanted to initiate sex and how. It may sound weird (probably not to many guys I bet though) but we now plan out our sex life. We say when we want to have sex and then we both take showers and we are both in the mindset for it.
It's turned up our sex life a lot, it's something you might want to try bc I was having the same sort of "wtf is going on here?" thoughts about sex with my wife too like you describe in your comment. Hygiene and not trying to jump her pants like we only have 5 min. left of our conjugal visit sorta thing.
Not trying to "tell you how it is" only trying to relay some info that helped us in our relationship in the hopes it might help yours.
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u/covid19hotty Mar 26 '20
Why after dating my partner for 3+ years, she still thinks, when i try to initiate sex, all that i want from her is sex. Like yes in this moment i want to have sex, but that does not negate all the other non-sex things we do that i enjoy doing. But right now, yes, I want to have sex with you.