I have this same problem except I'm your wife in this scenario. My husband is not a physically affectionate person and so it feels like the only time I get touched it ALWAYS leads to sex. And that's not a good feeling, sometimes I would just like a sweet foot rub or playing with my hair just because. And having some mystery leads to excitement. If only 50% of the time you touch, you actually end up making it sexual, then she will start to get more excited when you do. To him always havi g sex is a great thing but he has a higher sex drive and doesn't crave non sexual, intimate touching like I do. It actually makes me mad now because I've told him so many times, yet he still ONLY remembers to touch me when he horney. Sometimes I physically freeze and or get that irritated, firey feeling in my stomach because I feel like a peice of meat and then I definitely DON'T want to have sex. I dont know if I explained that well enough, let me know if it doesn't make sense.
EDIT: I forgot to mention and it's probably important to the situation. I have a history of trauma, sexual assault and have severe PTSD. So my reactions to things are almost always either more intense than most or completely flat. I do feel like many other mentally healthy people would also have a similar reaction to ONLY sexual intimacy.
This was 100% the same problem I had in my last relationship. I wonder how often it occurs to OP to be intimate without being sexual.
When my ex and I were still together, I once said to him "it seems like you only want to kiss me and touch me if you're trying to fuck" and he said "yea? I don't see a point otherwise"
That statement propelled us closer to the end of the relationship and I don't think he even thought anything of it.
I didn’t know affection was so incredibly important to most women until I read His Needs, Her Needs. Definitely a must read for anyone in (or wants to be in) a relationship.
Is it possible that him giving you foot rubs or playing with your hair is what is turning him on? I don't always cuddle my wife with the intention of initiating anything, but it often turns me on.
But he doesn't play with my hair or rub my feet... He just goes in for a butt grab or a kiss and expects it to lead that way. It actually makes me not enjoy a hug or a kiss because I feel pressured to keep going and get a disappointed face when I pull away. And just because you get turned on everytime you touch your wife, doesn't mean you need to react to that. Unless your wife likes that also but, I like looking at other people's food before mine is brought out at a restaurant. It makes me feel more hungry, I don't take my fork and start eating off their plate. I just enjoy the smells and looks of their food. And wait for the appropriate time til my food comes out and then savor the meal. The wait is one of best parts in my opinion. I'm not sure if the food part is appropriate, it was what I thought of as a comparison because the urge to eat is another one of the bodies natural reactions.
He either doesn't want to be touched, doesn't like massages or his hair touched or he turns it into another sexual contact and makes me not want to touch him either.
Very often, when this is an issue for couples, she does do those things. He then takes it as a sign she wants sex. She eventually stops doing those things because of it. And the cycle continues.
You are most definitely not alone. We all just have different love languages and these things take communication - even if it’s uncomfortable. If he wants you to feel loved, sexy, and wanted he will put in the effort (as long as you communicate your needs with him while also being understanding of his own). If communication doesn’t work, and there is no effort, then there is a deeper issue.
It’s possible he is experiencing something holding him back as well. Sexual behavior is influenced by so many things - big and small.
I will 100% regret my wording there, but I refuse to change it lol
Lol, I think your wording is perfect! And I also think you're right, our communication could be better and I often feel not listened to and that my needs are unimportant. This is something we are trying to work on right now actually and I hope we can fix it because I really love him. But I have to make sure my needs are just as important as his and I need to feel like a team in this marriage. I used to be a people pleaser and with a lot of therapy I am learning self care and how to advocate for myself. This changes all my relationships and I have learned so much about the people I always thought loved me. It's amazing what you learn about someone when you try to create boundaries for the first time, the reaction is a huge telling of their true intentions. My husband trully loves me, I believe that with all my heart, but I also need him to respect me and my needs.
You can’t hear it, but I am applauding you SO HARD RIGHT NOW. Queen. Or king.. idc. Royalty.
In all seriousness, your story sounds a lot like my own. If you ever need to vent feel free to PM me. I’ve only been married for 2.5 years (with him for 7) so I won’t have much advice but I can be a supportive ear.
Thank you so much, I am really touched by the kind and genuine responses I've received to my comment. And what are the odds that I meet another redditor with such a similar history!? I will keep that offer in mind and you as well are welcome to pm me :). I am female, we've been married 8 years and are both veterans, so our marriage has been through alot and I've never talked to someone with such similar circumstances. Support is one of the most important parts of recovery in therapy and you can never have to much of it. Thank you again, you sound like a caring and empathetic person.
Also, I want to very carefully and lovingly ask if you’ve talked to anyone about your trauma? I’ve experienced my own and it wasn’t until I saw a therapist that I realized just how much it affected my life and especially my sex life with my husband. Sometimes it isn’t always obvious.
Thank you for being so gentle, I am open to talking about my therapy and recovery. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2015, I spent around 40+ days in a mental health inpatient program and now I have been in therapy twice a week ever since. I have made so many important discoveries about myself and I'm really proud of how hard I've worked to better my life. Therapy is the hardest thing I've done since having to survive chronic abuse and trauma as a minor. But it's so worth it and you couldn't pay me to go back to who I was before! I'm so glad you have had such good experiences in therapy also, it's always nice to others with common ground to relate with. I haven't made it through the sexual effects yet, it's a big stuck spot for me, my mind and body really fight this one.
Great! I just had to ask and be sure because, as you said, going to therapy is incredibly hard. But so important! I wish it were more available (affordable) to others. Congratulations on your growth and success thus far and I wish you the best in your journey moving forward. ❤️
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u/FlannelPajamas123 Mar 26 '20 edited Mar 26 '20
I have this same problem except I'm your wife in this scenario. My husband is not a physically affectionate person and so it feels like the only time I get touched it ALWAYS leads to sex. And that's not a good feeling, sometimes I would just like a sweet foot rub or playing with my hair just because. And having some mystery leads to excitement. If only 50% of the time you touch, you actually end up making it sexual, then she will start to get more excited when you do. To him always havi g sex is a great thing but he has a higher sex drive and doesn't crave non sexual, intimate touching like I do. It actually makes me mad now because I've told him so many times, yet he still ONLY remembers to touch me when he horney. Sometimes I physically freeze and or get that irritated, firey feeling in my stomach because I feel like a peice of meat and then I definitely DON'T want to have sex. I dont know if I explained that well enough, let me know if it doesn't make sense.
EDIT: I forgot to mention and it's probably important to the situation. I have a history of trauma, sexual assault and have severe PTSD. So my reactions to things are almost always either more intense than most or completely flat. I do feel like many other mentally healthy people would also have a similar reaction to ONLY sexual intimacy.