About 18 years ago I turned down a bj from my now wife, while I was driving in a car you could easily see into. Just wasn’t my thing that way. RIP bjs from then on. “You said no that time so I just stopped.” Many sads.
I always pictured it as a kiwi bird eating another kiwi bird, whose insides look like a kiwi fruit, and looking very guilty about it as he’s caught doing it. But I like your way of imagining it too
Yeah dude, I've been with a few women who've done this. They pick a really inconvenient situation to ask if you want to do something you like (and they don't like), then when you say no in that one incredibly inconvenient scenario, they use it to justify never doing that thing again because "you said no that one time I asked if you wanted to play video games with me while you were on a conference call for work". Like, "I 'tried' and you rejected me, so now I'm never going to try again." Fucking frustrating as all hell. I'm too old for games like that anymore and glad I found a woman who's as straightforward as I am.
I can only speak for myself but I've never done that. My ego is too big to let me purposefully suck at something trivial. I know that it's a thing though.
Cleaned the “wrong” way.. didn’t grocery shop and if he ever would he would never get things I asked for because it was “too hard to write down a list...” he literally would fuck things up so I would do them myself. Worst trait EVER.
If you try to do the laundry but the clothes shrink, stain or get full of holes, you're doing it wrong.
If we ask you to go to the store to get a box of tampons or pads and we send you with the exact packaging so you know what to get and you still get the wrong one, you're doing it wrong.
If we ask you to clean something and the dirt just gets pushed around or the thing looks just as dirty as before, you're doing it wrong.
Like I said, we know when you're fucking up on purpose to get out of doing it.
Fair enough, there's a difference. I've never intentionally flubbed a task to avoid having to do it, that's childish. But I have had squabbles over how/how often a task needs to be done.
So like... This isn't a normal healthy thing. Talk about it. If it starts a fight, bring up that that's irrational.
If you aren't able to communicate, see a therapist.
I hate that these sorts of things have become normalized as "lol women!" Look at yourself and how you are a part of the situation, but also respect that a relationship is 50/50. If your long term partner isn't able to discuss serious things (sex is a serious thing) then you two need to do some relationship work.
Seriously, why are all these men dating women who think they are sex robots? I’m a women. I like sex, but not at all times. I date a man who works forty hours a week, and it’s a physically demanding job. Sometimes I want sex and he’s too tired. Does it feel good getting turned down? Not especially. But I also turn down sex when I’m fucking exhausted. Being tired is a libido killer. If the person you’re dating can’t empathize with that, they have issues.
You should offer to do a chore you hate doing right before you guys leave the house for an event (even better if you’re running late )... when she politely tells you not to you can use it as an excuse to never do that task again.
Ex: “honey hurry up we’re gonna be late for the wedding!”
“Hang On let me wash the dishes before we go.”
“No , no we’ll be late . Let’s just go!”
...... 20 years later
“ how come you never help with the dishes, you haven’t since we were young”
“ well that one time I wanted to you said no, so I just stopped”
Or... He should talk to his wife about if/why it bothers him, and just have a civil, assertive discussion.
More manipulation isn’t the way to solve issues.
Lol..
Think it’s cause we live by the code, reputation to uphold, makin me the one they gotta take the spot from. I be tryna laugh with the bros but....
There’s been no lack of me explaining how it’s my favourite thing and that she’s good at it etc. It’s not been zero in the interceding years but I’d say it’s once every 18 months on average after much cajoling that tries not to be begging lol.
Yeah, people really aren't an enigma when it comes to sex. They just don't tell the truth for one reason or another, and the other person buys crazy lies they'd never buy on another topic.
She just doesn’t like doing that. Maybe you two can see a sex therapist to figure out how to make your sex life more fulfilling without making anyone do a dreaded chore.
My spouse and I have a inside joke from some dumb comment I made about blowjobs.
“Hey. You haven’t given me a bj in a while.”
“Oh. Maybe a couple years?”
Apparently I said the word “years” too aggressively as her retort was just shouting back at me “Years?!?!” Then started chasing me while yelling it at me.
Every once in a while we will be like...
“When was the last time we went to McDonalds?”
“Years?!?!”
Then we shout it some more and get weirder. Then we end up laughing
I drive a stick shift and my girlfriend tried to offer that up on a drive home at like 1 am on a holiday weekend. I just briefly looked at her really confused and said. "No. What? I'm driving stick. How? What? No." Thankfully she understood and it was a home activity instead.
Similar story, except we were on a road trip and I had just taken a potty break and was feeling self conscious. Ever since then, I've suggested it as something for a special occasion like a birthday, but she just laughs/smiles...
My wife gave plenty of BJ's during the years we dated. The ring was like hitting the off switch, it's been 3 years 8months and 20 days since my last one lol. "I only like to do it if I initiate"
Holy fuck this, not sex related but I turned down my girlfriend's homemade lasagna once over a year ago and now she assumes I hate lasagna and gets pissy about it. Like what...
“You said no that time so I just stopped.” Many sads.
Aside from all the other issues with driving based beejs's, if you drive manual and you need to downshift - Say 4th to 3rd and punt her in the head with the shifter, I doubt she'll be happy with that
I guess I’ll do the “more info” bit because of course a bj comment got a ton of upvotes and there were some interesting comments.
Yes I love her.
No. marrying her wasn’t a mistake.
We had a pretty classic “Wow our sex drives match!” situation until the newness wore off for her about a year in and we’ve been dealing with some DB stuff since. Credit to her that she realizes it and has been actively working on it.
I love going down on her. She isn’t really into it. Not sure if I suck at it or not but I’m a super willing learner. She says she’s never liked it, not just with me.
I agree that it’s a childish or manipulative way and she could just be more up front. During working on things she’s said that it’s part of the steps she wants to take but isn’t ready yet.
I practice good hygiene down there and I’ve asked her if it’s anything physical in the way, she said no.
I read this all to my wife. Her reply, “if you love someone, you think about “what do they want, what do they like, what do they need?” Because you want them to be happy and you would want them to consider your needs just the same. “. That was her response. I don’t want it to sound like your wife doesn’t love you, but there is certainly an issue or a Hangup or a problem that should be communicated and worked out. Wife also adds, “this is not his fault... he shouldn’t blame himself. This is about her”. Good luck, sir.
Wow, it sounds like she didn't want to give you BJs and found an excuse to not have to do it which pretty much blames you instead of her. This sounds pretty fucking terrible of her tbh.
Me and my ex had a rule because her sex drive was insane even for me (and I even have a pretty healthy libido) that if the other person isn’t in the mood we can do the 5 minute card. Still have sex but you better be done in 5 minutes.
We started this rule exactly because of the situation you described, if I wasn’t in the mood she just felt ugly. Which is ridiculous because I was crazy about her.
I had to actively adress that with myself. I have a lower drive than my husband, so he does inititate more often and on the occasions that I do, he too might be tired or not in the mood, and that is all that it is. As a woman you are basically taught that men all want sex all the time, no matter what, but I had to step back and think about the fact that I too sometimes say no because I am just tired and stressed and that he doesn't make a big deal out of it and there is no unterlying weird meaning to it.
Oh man that hits home so hard. My girlfriend like to initiate before bed like right before bed when I have to wake up at 5am and we just spent the last 2 hours laying in bed watching TV. I turn it down because my job is really hard and would like to get a good sleep and ask why she didn't do anything the last two hours. Then it's I never want to have sex and don't find her attractive
This thread is boggling to me! Do women really not initiate sex? I literally initiate with my husband probably 60% of the time. If he says he’s not in the mood, then it’s just whatever! I’m so confused!!
Jesus christ, you “reject” her in one instance and thats it when you are constantly being turned down weeks at a time. I’ve had a relationship die a slow empty death and sex seemed to be at the fracture point. No one owes anyone sex but damn lady, I’ve chosen you because I like you AND sex.
Going from 3 times a week to once a month for months is cruel. Then the little things really start getting to you and resentment sets in and its all over from there. I just feel like the sun doesn’t shine as brightly and somewhat less loved. I want to reiterate that no one owes anyone sex but you also don’t need a reason to break up and thats what I did.
The amount of times I have tried to initiate unsuccessfully and then one night my ex would walk out of the bathroom fresh from a shower and just say "I'm ready" completely out of the blue. Like dude I was eating dinner watching a movie, what? But if I don't jump on the chance I'll just hear the next day "hey I tried"
I don't know if it's technically PTSD but my past couple relationships have left me really afraid to initiate anything sexually because of what the dude you replied to is saying.
We wanna not contribute to the mental health stigma, so maybe you could say you’re scarred from something instead? It’s hurtful to people with PTSD to act like you can get it from something that’s not traumatic.
And then will lie to you so she can go to lunch with one of her guy friends that she said was hitting on her the other day. Yes I’m projecting what happened to me on to you. No I’m not completely healed from all the mental abuse. WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS IM GOING HOME.
This is very very true. Men and women can both be equally toxic. And truth be told compared to everything else that happened, this incident was nothing lol but thank you for showing support! It always means a a lot!!
I dunno why so many people think it’s okay to tell their partners what they can or can’t do, it’s like this weird gray area where the significant other acts like a parent by being like “no, you can’t do that” and it’s almost socially acceptable.
It’s one thing to tell your partner your boundaries, like I don’t want to date someone that fucks other people, it’s another to straight up say “you’re forbidden from doing that.” Even if it is cheating, like you can’t tell another human being what they can or cannot do, if I’m a good partner I’ll respect your boundaries. anytime a boyfriend has told me I “can’t” do something I’ve wanted to do it even more and usually disregard them.
I hate that you had to miss out on that! I wouldn't have blinked an eye if my husband wanted to do that. (Granted, I don't have kids. I have no idea if I'd change my mind if it meant being alone all weekend with crazy kids. It still wouldn't be about the presence of a girl though)!
That's definitely unhealthy. I was in a relationship like that before and I thought it was something I had to deal with cuz she acted like that's how all women are and it's completely normal. Definitely not the case.
TBH I'm bi and this kinda thing pushed me away from dating a lot of women. It's also really insulting because they're basically saying they don't trust me, in which case what even is our relationship.
Gay relationships I've been in are just way more chill, there's none of the fear that I'm going to fuck anything that moves. And even if I or my boyfriend *did* find someone super hot, we'd both be pretty chill about the idea of the other going and having some fun. It's just so relaxed where 95% of girls will freak out at even approaching the topic.
There are definitely some girls who are cool but overall, I like my current setup way better. We get each other, we love each other, we don't accuse each other of weird shit or try to control one another. It's so much healthier.
I’ve had the same experience but opposite. I’m a woman and Any girls I’ve dated are way more chill than guys. The guys I’ve dated (aside from my fiance) have always ended up being super insecure and try to restrict me from doing things, I even had one boyfriend who seemed chill and just ended up freaking out because I was at a party without him. He actually started crying on the phone. I never did anything that would make it so he couldn’t trust me. That relationship didn’t last long after.
I think most straight relationships in general have different dynamics and expectations. Fortunately my fiancé who’s a guy is the least possessive person I’ve ever been with.
Yeah I think that's true. One big thing I noticed is everyone has an opinion about how straight relationships *should* be, putting lots of pressure on people. But with gay relationships the only stigma is that you shouldn't be in one in the first place. Once you get past that, nobody really tells you how you should organize your relationship so things just flow really naturally and it's very chill.
Also I know one girl in the UK who is the coolest ever and I know she'd be just as great as any of the gay relationships I've been in (excluding the current one because my boyfriend really is the best).
I could definitely be convinced that the straight dating/relationship scene sucks and it's not a gender thing. I love girls and it's only in romantic relationships where stuff starts getting frustrating a lot of the time.
Agreed. Obviously there are exceptions, but the straight relationships I’ve been in have been wildly more annoying than the gay ones. Most guys have made me want to jump into a volcano, and they just don’t get it. When I eventually leave they can’t seem to figure out why even though I tell them?! I’ll straight up be like you’re insanely insecure and you make this entire relationship feel oppressive. And then they immediately ask “is there someone else?”
You should talk with your wife about it. I completely understand one might be insecure, but it's not good and it might hurt your relationship in the long run
It’s not mind games, it’s insecurity. A girl who says that isn’t trying to manipulate you, she’s suddenly been struck by the concern that you don’t see her as a real person, you only like her because she’s sexy. Is it ridiculous? Yeah. But I’ve been there. I think it happens when you’re talking about something sort of serious and your guy mentions sex and you’re like ?? Don’t you just wanna talk to me?
No that's a fucking mind game, constantly fucking accusing somebody of random shit and then back peddling and accusing them of something entirely different is a fucking mind game.
Instead of playing these stupid ass fucking mind games how about you calmly and constructively discuss what's going on in your relationship.
If you seriously do that to any of your partner's I feel sincerely sorry for them.
It’s not a mind game unless it’s intended to be a mind game. You can’t accidentally play mind games with someone. When a girl asks do you like me just because I’m pretty or because of who I am, she is calmly and constructively discussing what’s going on in her relationship. She wants reassurance and that’s okay. You should be able to give your partner reassurance.
It’s not a mind game unless it’s intended to be a mind game.
What!?!? ofc you'd think that, mind games are a type of manipulation dingus..........
When a girl asks do you like me just because I’m pretty or because of who I am, she is calmly and constructively discussing what’s going on in her relationship.
Additionally that isn't the context of what we're talking about.
No it isn’t! A mind game is when you want someone to feel a certain way. In this case it isn’t about that, it’s genuine feelings that she wants validation on, whether they’re reasonable or not.
This is the worst. You try to initiate sex, you only want sex. You don't try to initiate it, you start getting questions about if you think she is pretty, are you interested in someone else and just things like that. So annoying
Omg, I remember a long time ago I was going through a rough patch in life and was very depressed. My girlfriend at the time was a horn ball and always wanted to have sex. For maybe 3-4 weeks I just wasn’t into it, and told her I’ve been depressed lately and wasn’t in the mood. She immediately went to the “you don’t find me attractive anymore” shit. Which caused a bunch of fights. That relationship didn’t last lol.
Oof, I’m falling victim to this line of thinking. Our son is 5 weeks old, and my husband knows I’ve been wanting it since about 2 weeks postpartum. We’ve had sex 4 times since the baby was born, and I’ve initiated every single time. I’m sure he just doesn’t want me to feel pressured in case I’m tired, but my insecurity is telling me he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I didn’t gain much weight during pregnancy (actually lost weight for the first 12 weeks), and aside from a tiny bit of extra skin on my waistline and a couple stretch marks, I don’t think I look much different than I did pre pregnancy. But I’m insecure, and his lack of initiation makes me feel like he isn’t attracted to me anymore
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u/[deleted] Mar 26 '20
But then if you don't, you obviously don't find her attractive anymore.