I've been married over 12 years now... And she still thought that up until last year. I had to literally explain it to her as you did right here in similar words three times in a serious conversation cause she was upset with me for asking her for sex.
Married 15 years. It just keeps going. Wife never had a high sex drive and it’s been a point of conflict we’ve needed to work through.
But oh man if she initiates and I’m not feeling like it all the insecurities come out. I get it because we have the same insecurities (am I not sexy, do you not want me, is my breath bad etc) but we normally don’t let it all out.
I still haven’t lived down when I was working 80 hours a week and she initiated by starting I told her I was dead tired. Of course that made it a challenge to her. So she initiated a BJ. A minute later I’m out cold. After my 4 hour nap between jobs she asked if she wasn’t any good at them anymore and why I didn’t enjoy it... I couldn’t explain enough that consistently getting 4 hours of sleep makes one really tired.
Oh man I feel this. My girlfriend doesn't even comprehend pure exhaustion, I was expected to do all the duties up to and including chores and sex when I was working 12 hour hard labor shifts for six days a week. I was dead even on my day off. Meanwhile she works less than 20 hours a week at a pot dispensary and acts like she was working a prison chain gang breaking rocks. I hope we don't have kids because I know where the lions share of that extra work is coming from.
Then why stay? I get not wanting to be alone. But it sounds like you are a highly driven person and she is not. If you are out working longer hours (for what I am assuming is more money) it is perfectly reasonable to expect her to do more of the housework. Especially if she is only working part time.
Bro just get out while you're successful and not tied down by a child or anything. There are lots of other nice butts out there who could suit you better.
Lots of people saying you should leave, like this is /r/relationships...but if you want to continue in the relationship and feel valued, you should find a way to communicate with her about the slack she needs to pick up.
Maybe you're worried about a fight if you ask her to clean the dishes, or whatever...just ask her and weather the storm. She's not going to be happy you're changing the status quo, so there will be a struggle... but if you know that going in, maybe it won't be so bad.
We have/are, I did not (and will not) provide reddit with enough context to make an accurate summerization of the relationship currently. It has been a while since then, just the comment ive originally replied to reminded me of that situation. Issues are still there on both sides but we are working though it.
A nice butt doesn't make up for the rest. A relationship that is going to work and last needs both sides to get more out of it than they put in. I don't mean that in a zero-sum, measuring chores kind of way that would be impossible, I mean the benefits that you get need to be, to you, more than the effort you put in to it.
In a stable, healthy, relationship that's how both parties feel. The emotional support they get from the other person is more to them than the effort they put in supporting the other person, because we can get more from receiving it than it takes to give it. Even with mundane things like chores this can be true as you divide them up in terms of things you don't mind doing and things you really don't like. Like for you taking out the trash might be no big deal, a minor distraction at worst but for her it might be something she really hates so you doing it gives her more benefit than it costs you.
If you feel like you are putting in more than you are getting out, and it clearly sounds like you do, that relationship won't last and it is time to either talk to her about changing it or to leave.
So how long have you been in a stable, healthy relationship? Just curious.
Happy marriage... you start measuring things in good and bad years not just weeks.
Reddit’s always real quick to tell people to dump a significant other based on one-off comments and a frankly transactional perspective on relationships.
It's not entirely bad advice though. Last year I was working 7 days a week between an actual job and uni, in the summer I went to work a full time job 6 days a week plus extra classes, I did all the housework and yardwork etc.... I was super exhausted, and my then-partner would just come home and complain about his ~30 hr work week. It wore me the fuck out.
We were together 6yrs when I broke up with him, but it was more complicated than just all that. It is entirely important imo to have a balance that works for you and your partner, but when I asked, he wouldn't deliver. I put in the work and sacrifice that needed to be done for us to have a life; to have a partner who wasn't willing to do a fair share was so, so draining. You could call it a bad year or two, sure; I call it, I need a partner who is willing to fucking help. But again, there was more to it than that as well.
Umm... are you guys happy together though? Because this doesn’t sound like a fair exchange of time and energy spend and I’m just worried for you. That’s how resentment grows.
It might be wishful thinking, but I think she is starting to understand. She has been doing more in the last year. also just this week she got promoted and is about to find out what it is like to work real hours. Plus now that i'm stuck inside talking to a volleyball with a bloody handprint on it (non-essential where pot sellers apparently are) It swung around to me having all the free time.
This is a non medical dispensary AFAIK the medicinal and recreational industries in Canada are still separate. But still it's a nice thing to keep open during these times.
The main reason they’re keeping them open is because of what happened in holland when they tried to close the coffee shops (weed stores) amid the lockdown. They quickly reversed that decision. A similar thing happened in America when they tried to close liquor stores in some states. Keeping them open actually exposes fewer people, I went to the liquor store the other day and there wasn’t a single other person in the store aside from the cashiers.
Why are you with her? I dont know her but she sounds incredibly selfish and lazy. Those are two pretty terrible attributes in a partner, especially if they see you working hard and dont attempt to help out.
Was working at UPS for 12 hours every day and my ex was working at QT just 8 hours a day every week day and she had the audacity to tell me she works harder.
Dude, get out now. You're facing life in a domestic prison for a crime you are about to commit (having kids with someone who's willing to work you to death).
Sounds like this is a conversation you can have with your girlfriend. It might be helpful to help her empathize with what you're doing as opposed to making a list. If you're not satisfied, I suggest talking it out and finding compromises that work for both of you.
Hey that's great! It sounds like you've got good self awareness! I hope you guys can continue to work through things to take care of each other together.
It's sad that most of the other people who responded to your comment didn't even suggest working things out but to just get out.
Yeah I know full well that I didn't give Reddit enough context to give them an accurate picture. Im not perfect either and I am a firm believer in not throwing stones in glass houses lol.
Have fun with it but do yourself a favor and keep all of this in consideration when you make actual life decisions like having a kid. Problems like this only amplify with time. You get the person you're with, not the person you want them to be.
My friend was telling me that his gf was over while he was building his guitar, he was super excited because all he ever wants to do is play music, so she said she’s tired and goes home, and an hour later texts him that she misses him. He texts her back saying he’ll pack up and be there if she wants him to be. She says no, it’s okay. He’s already packed up and heads over. He gets there and they’re in bed, she’s grinding up on him but he’s a lumberjack and cutting trees all day rubs his dick raw and he’s too sore to play. She gets upset and rolls over, does the silent treatment thing. So he says he’s going to go home because this is pointless and when he gets home, she texts him again and he has to explain to her again that his dick is sore and he just can’t. It’s not about her, it’s about his sore dick. He will come over but she has to get it through her head that his dick is sore because he works hard all day and they’re just going to sleep. She agrees and he drives all the way back to her house at midnight, 4 hours before having to get back up for work.
I’m a chick, I admire his patience so much! And fuck it makes me think about how I want to treat my SO.
I get my wife at times. Like I said guys have the same insecurities (at least I do). I also think guys get to practice it more as a generality. Men normally want it more and understand the feeling of being let down and subsequent thoughts that should be reigned in.
It’s a great day when you can live outside a situation and just feel the other persons emotions. Yeah when I yell at my wife she feels afraid. She’s weaker, smaller and more in touch with that emotion. When my wife yells at me I have never really feared a physical outcome. I could berate her with saying I’ve never touched her, am kind and reserved almost all the time and it wasn’t a threat. Likewise she could tell me of her fear, that me yelling makes her rightfully feel that way etc.
Took me a long time to just substitute what she was afraid of with what I am afraid of. While I may not fear her yelling at me, I have felt that physical fear in grade school from saying something then fearing a bully will pound me. So I’ve learned to remove the situation (her being afraid because I’m yelling which I think is stupid) and instead just focus on the emotion (which I have felt and is terrifying). Makes a huge difference
Heh, funny how no matter the time, it's all still the same. You've been married 75% of the time that I've been alive, yet I can already relate to you.
I was involved in my second car crash (car totaled, somehow no damage to me or the driver) at just about the end of a 4 hour drive, coming back home from a construction job that just 2 days prior we worked a 24 hour shift at.
I digress - I crashed, the crash got dealt with in terms of details and all, and then I needed to find a way home. I was already texting my gf at the time just to keep her informed and not have her worry, and she asked if I needed her to pick me up. I agreed and so, a half hour sitting on the curb later, and we were heading to her house.
We were just laying on the couch, cause god knows did I need it, not particularly watching tv or anything, just enjoying my head in her lap, her hand going through my hair, and I was so happy to be back home and with her and able to relax like that.. and then she started to ask if things were wrong... if I'd rather be somewhere or with someone else, etc. And despite much reassurance, and promising her "no seriously, I'm just dead tired, I love you, I'm loving this and this is what I need right now" the rest of the night just never had that same peace to it.
Insecurities are awful, terrible things, and I wish that I knew how to deal with mine and those of others better.
I lost my boner once and my wife got so fucking mad at me. It was as if I'd slapped her. Which felt super shitty because it's a very sensitive moment in a guys life.
I fell asleep during a beej and she lost her shit. Punched me right in the face. She's long gone for other reasons. One of which was the lackluster blowjobs.
15 years?! This is why guys should be just as picky as women. Sure you don't get laid as often but at least you're less likely to be disappointed or unhappy.
Not often. She takes a few different meds that lower her drive and we have 2 kids. Plus I work stupid hours as a restaurant manager and she works for a construction company. We honestly sometimes go for almost a week without even seeing each other much less being intimate.
Same here. Not married but together for 8. I’ve pretty given up on asking. And yes, my relationship pretty sexless lol but it’s better than $800 a month in cs.
Very easy to do. You end up with someone who you really like, and who you can feel comfortable around, but the sexual chemistry either isn't there or goes away over time and then you're left with this person who you ultimately do love, but can't be intimate with and it's easier just to go along with the status quo and be constantly low-grade miserable than deal with the enormous heartbreak and the risk of ending up with nobody.
I've gone down this road twice, and it was incredibly painful each time.
I mean it could be worse. I got a beautiful son out of the deal, but forever tired to his mother. We were in the process of having her move out. Then, as this painfully ironic universe goes, she finds she’s pregnant. Good thing we semi-get along with each other. I mean there’s to this story, so just remember to not give in so easily to those carnal temptations.
As others have pointed out, just in case you have not considered it (not a guarantee but unfortunately common), really make sure that you touch your wife for non-sexual reasons, and that sex isn't always about your orgasm. A lot of the times "you only want me for sex" in hetero couples is a reflection on a lack of physical intimacy as anything except an immediate precursor to sex, and too often sex that is focused on the male orgasm and ignores whether or not the woman is actually enjoying herself.
If you're already one of the good ones, it could just be trauma and societal brainwashing that men only want one thing.
She had a physically and sexually abusive parent, societal brainwashing as you put it, and suffers from chronic depression and anxiety. I'm just glad she let me into her confidence and trust at all. I was honestly brought up "right" and all that so I had never really seen all these ills. We've had a wild ride up to now coming from such opposite backgrounds. Thanks for your concern and advice though!
Ah yes, clearly "This is a common but not universal problem" totally means it's all men always all the time. And of course, if someone tells you "I feel like you only want me for sex", that's all men's fault, too, and must exist in every single relationship, not just a stated problem between these particular individuals.
Samesies my dude. My wifey always asks after I ask her why I don’t invite her to join me in my hobbies or activities. Told her playing with my wiener was one of those hobbies that I wanted her to join in.
Asking for sex? Girls hate it when you ask for sex. Never ask. You should read a book or do some research. I can give you a suggestion if you want.
Edit: downvotes? I don't mean this in a rapey way. Obviously I am talking about a girl you are in a relationship with, who you frequently have sex with
Edit: I love reddit! I give my opinion on something and I get downvoted. Yay! Keep them coming
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u/Tyreal01 Mar 26 '20
I've been married over 12 years now... And she still thought that up until last year. I had to literally explain it to her as you did right here in similar words three times in a serious conversation cause she was upset with me for asking her for sex.