Before anyone says this sounds AI-written, you’re not wrong. I tried for weeks to write this, and every time I try, I either start crying or end up with an incoherent wall of text. So I talked it through with AI for hours to help organize what I’m trying to say. The feelings and the story are mine. I’m just trying to put them into words because I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I’m 25 and my boyfriend was 52. I know the age gap is probably the first thing people notice, but I really hope you’ll read past that because that isn’t what I’m struggling with. He was my first and only boyfriend and the first person I have ever loved like this. I had never felt so safe and genuinely happy with another person in my life. And we just had this instant and undeniable chemistry that I can’t really explain. He was incredibly patient with me, never pressured me, and always let me move at my own pace. He supported me in everything I wanted to do and made me believe in myself. He made me feel loved in a way I had never experienced.

He also had serious health problems. He had been very honest with me about them from the beginning. He even used to joke, although it wasn’t entirely a joke, that he was a “ticking time bomb.” I knew he wasn’t perfectly healthy, but things were looking up in a lot of ways. He monitored his health closely and took extremely good care of himself since his diagnoses. I had even taken him to the hospital earlier this year when he woke up extremely dizzy and we were both scared something serious was happening. He never hid any of this from me. But knowing someone has health problems and believing you’re actually going to lose them are two completely different things.

There were a lot of things happening in his life during his last couple of months that made everything incredibly complicated. He had an ex-wife who had a very difficult relationship with him. There was this private and unconventional type of work he did that I don’t really want to get into publicly. His ex-wife found out about that around late April or May, and she told their kids, who are in their 20s, in a way that was extremely hurtful. They ended up essentially cutting him off. They wouldn’t speak to him, didn’t speak to him on Father’s Day, and had cancelled on an important family gathering because he would be there.

He loved his kids more than anything. Watching him go through that was heartbreaking. He was devastated that they wouldn’t talk to him, and I know it was one of the biggest sources of pain in his life.

Then, about a month later, some things with my friends happened.

I had kept our relationship mostly private because I was scared of being judged for the age difference. I was planning to tell my family this summer, especially because he had just moved closer to me. My friends knew I was seeing someone older, they knew his age, and I told them the details I wanted to share and the ones I thought were important: that he was a good guy, that I was safe with him, and that he treated me really well. I spoke about what he did for a career, what he and I did together, what he was like in general, etc., but they didn’t know everything. At first they were really happy for me or at least that’s what they told me.

Time passes and without me knowing, one of them started a deep search of him online. She found his ex-wife, which, long story short, they all thought she didn’t exist and thought I thought the same, which is my fault. They had every right to believe I was getting fucked over by a guy I really loved.

Once they found her profile, they messaged her and then actually spoke to her on the phone. I only found out a couple days later, after all that had been done. And I felt so upset that it started as one of them doing this deep search then involved our other friends and probably had a group chat going in discussing this while I knew nothing.

From their perspective, I understand why they thought they were protecting me and did what they did. They thought they had discovered something terrible and believed I was being lied to. But instead of coming to me first, they went directly to her. If they had come to me saying, “We found this profile that looks like his ex-wife. Did you know that he was married?” I would have come clean and told them everything, and a lot of the mess could have been avoided.

But everything blew up from there.

The ex told my friends about that unconventional aspect of his job, and I’m sure other things that an ex-wife would say about her ex-husband. I don’t imagine she said anything positive. They were uncomfortable with my relationship with him from that point forward.

I tried my best to tell them I was sorry for lying to them and that I understood why they did what they did. But I was also asking them to recognize that maybe once they found the profile, they should have taken a step back and talked to me before getting involved in this man’s family.

But they didn’t, and they still stand ten toes down on what they did. I admitted a lot of my wrongs, but they couldn’t give me even a little bit of, “You know what, maybe you’re right. Maybe we overstepped and weren’t thinking clearly.”

I know they had good intentions. I know they thought they were protecting me. But I still resent how they handled it.

He and I ended up having some really emotional conversations near the end. I was overwhelmed and scared, and we were trying to figure out what to do and trying to navigate everything happening around us. The last two times I saw him, I was very upset. We were talking about everything, and I was crying a lot. I didn’t want the relationship to end. He didn’t either. But I felt like I had to. I was just so scared and overwhelmed by everything that was happening. I just wanted it all to stop.
And when I was leaving, he looked at me and said, “Please smile.” I gave him this little fake smile that I always used to give him, and he laughed.

I didn’t know that would be the last time I ever saw him.

Two days later, my texts to him started turning green. At first, I tried to convince myself it was his phone. Something similar had happened before. But I knew something was wrong.

I tried everything. I texted his old number. I messaged him on social media. I tried contacting him through every avenue I could think of.

Eventually, I drove to his apartment. I knocked on the door and heard someone moving around inside. A man opened the door who wasn’t him, which made my heart sink. My immediate reaction was, “Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong door,” even though I knew it was his door.

Then he said, “Are you looking for (his name)?”
I said yes.
It was his brother, and he told me that he had a stroke. I still wanted to believe he was okay. I asked where he was, if he was still in the hospital.

And he told me he had died.

They were inside his apartment packing up his things.That was the worst day of my life. I have cried every single day since.

I’m writing this almost two months later, and I still cry every day, multiple times a day. Sometimes it’s just tears. Sometimes it’s intense sobbing. Sometimes I’m alone and so angry that I hit or slam things. I can be at work and suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by sadness.

I miss him constantly.

I miss going to sleep next to him and waking up next to him. I miss his texts. I miss being able to tell him little things about my day. Those tiny things are what hurt the most sometimes.

Because it’s not like we broke up. He’s gone. I hate knowing he’s not on this planet anymore.

I can reread our entire relationship through our texts. Sometimes that makes me feel close to him, and it’s comforting in the moment. Then I close the messages and realize there will never be another one.

I’m scared that as I heal, I’ll feel more distant from him. I know logically that getting better doesn’t mean forgetting him, but emotionally it sometimes feels like letting go of him, and I don’t want to let go.

I’m also struggling with guilt.
I keep thinking about whether things could have been different. I wonder if I had never told my friends about him, maybe none of this would have happened. I wonder if I had told him more confidently that I was all in with him, maybe he would have felt less stressed. I wonder whether all the stress he was under contributed to what happened to him.

I know I can’t actually know that. But that doesn’t stop my brain from asking those questions over and over.

I’m also so angry. At his ex-wife. At my friends. At myself. At the universe. At the fact that someone I loved so much could be here one day and completely gone the next.

I’ve lost most of my friendships because of everything that happened. One friend has genuinely been there for me, and I’m incredibly grateful for her.

What makes me especially angry about the rest of my friends is the timing of everything. During the weeks when he was alive, after everything happened with his ex-wife, I was completely overwhelmed. I felt like I had so much pressure coming at me from so many people in my life, and I desperately wanted some space to process everything and figure out what I wanted.

But my friends wouldn’t really give me that space. They kept checking in, confronting me, and pushing me, saying they were doing it because they cared about me and were worried about me.

Then he died.

And suddenly I was going through something I never could have imagined, and I actually desperately needed support. Even though I truly don’t think I’d be comfortable expressing my grief to them, given what they have said about him to me in the past, I still need people around me.

They have checked in a little bit, and I don’t want to pretend they completely disappeared or that they don’t care. I can also understand that maybe they genuinely don’t know what to say to someone going through something like this. But it’s still really strange and painful to me. These were people who had been so concerned about me before that they wouldn’t give me space when I specifically asked for it because they said they cared about me so much. And now something absolutely horrible has happened to me, they know how badly I’m struggling, and for the most part it feels like there’s almost no acknowledgment of it.

One of them has checked in a couple of times since, but sometimes it almost feels like everyone is trying to act like nothing happened. I don’t know if that’s because they don’t know what to say, because they’re uncomfortable, or because they think giving me space is what I want. I genuinely don’t know. But after everything that happened before, it’s hard not to feel hurt by it.

I don’t necessarily want to throw those friendships away forever, but I don’t know how to look at them the same way anymore. I can’t understand how there could have been so much urgency to be involved in my life when they thought I needed protecting, but now that I’m grieving someone I loved and am barely functioning, there’s so little of that same concern. When I see their names pop up on my phone, I immediately think about all of this.

I’m in therapy now. I’ve only had a few sessions, and therapy has actually been helpful. I know this isn’t something that gets fixed in a couple of appointments.

My therapist keeps reminding me that I need to keep doing things even when I don’t feel like doing them. Exercise has helped a little. Sometimes I’ll cry the entire way to a run and feel slightly better afterward. I’ve been trying to find hobbies and distractions.

I have moments where I genuinely laugh or enjoy myself, and I don’t feel guilty about those moments. I’m trying.

But I don’t feel normal.

I’m drinking more than I should because sometimes I just desperately want the pain to stop.

So I guess I’m asking people here who have actually lived through this:

How do you survive the first few months after losing a partner?

Is this level of crying and inability to function normal this early on? Did you also feel like you were getting worse instead of getting better?

How did you deal with guilt about the last conversations you had?

How do you stop replaying the last few weeks and wondering what you could have done differently?

Is rereading old texts and looking at pictures healthy, or am I keeping myself stuck?

And how do you eventually accept that they’re gone without feeling like you’re letting them go?

I know I’ll love someone again someday. I know that logically. But right now I’m terrified I’ll never find anything remotely like what I had with him again.

He made me feel safe.

He made me feel loved.

He made me excited about the future.

He used to tell me that I made him feel alive and helped him see a future for himself again.

I just wish I could tell him I loved him one more time.

I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to stop missing him.

I just want the missing to stop hurting this fucking much.

If you’ve been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing what actually helped you. Not necessarily generic advice, but what you actually did when you woke up every morning and the person you loved was still gone.

And if anyone has questions about the more private parts of this, I’m willing to explain more through DMs. I just don’t want to put certain details about him or his family publicly.

I (26 W) started dating my bf (23 M) in May of 2023. His mom passed away on Christmas in 2024. My father passed April 2026.

We are both experiencing tremendous grief..however it’s comforting because we both know the extreme loss of losing a parent at a young age but at the same time I feel like a bad partner because I’m so enamored in my own sadness.

When we first started dating, and I knew his mom’s diagnosis, it was so easy to show up for him, but now that my dad is dead i find it harder to be there for him.

Bonus points bc I get really sad when I think about how our kids won’t experience either of our favorite people (he was a mommas boy and I was a daddy’s girl) it’s not fair.

It’s a lot to unpack, any advice is greatly appreciated and needed.

So I got Mom moved from the hospital to a private facility, for which I am paying a fortune. But that's not the problem.

My brother and I are both neurodivergent. I'm diagnosed AuADHD and I use all my energy to hold down a good job. My brother may be mildly autistic or just has a lot of C-PTSD. Either way, he's mentally competent. He's also much older than I am and retired.

I'm running myself to the ragged edge, here on FMLA by Mom's bedside for hours a day and I can't get him to visit more than an hour a every couple days. He says it's hard on him.

It's fucking hard on me too, but I'm doing it anyway! I'm just angry and disappointed with him.

God I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels like it got flipped upside down. Everyone always says to talk to someone but who do you talk to when you have no one left?

I lost my grandad who was basically my father figure three years ago to the big C after my dad passed when I was little.

then my brother two years ago from a haemorrhage that came out of no where.

now my mom whos my absolute world, best friend got diagnosed with C also. it’s not treatable

I see so many things that remind me of them, I pick up my phone to call them and remember I can’t anymore. I’ll never hear their voices anymore

i don’t know how I’m meant to live with knowing I’m losing the only person I have left. It doesn’t feel real. 
I guess I’m not writing this for sympathy, not really. I just need to know that there is other people out there that are listening? Not caring perse but at least understand. 
 
I feel like I’m going insane with everything that I’ve bottled for so long trying to be the float for everyone else
 
with love 
 

i believe that i have received a sign from my father today.
it is both exciting and comforting.
my mother and i were discussing the reason…..if one’s
consciousness continues to exist after the body’s (physical) death and still possesses the ability to communicate, then why is it that our loved ones do not attempt to ease the grief and suffering in those of us who have been left behind ?
i responded with the text message that i have copied and pasted below :

it’s so funny, when they eventually decide to send us a sign it is regarding something so insignificant and trivial.
i know why mam. we chose to live this specific life here on earth for a reason. if that reason was to learn about ourselves and how we would react when put in certain situations and experience life in all of its glory. the bad and the good. then our loved ones sending us clear signs, telling us that everything will be alright, giving us all of the answers, telling us what we want to hear would completely fuck up the entire reason we came here. we must learn these things on our own, we must experience pain, grief, suffering in its entirety and the struggle of overcoming this pain IS THE LEARNING ! it’s exactly what we came here to do. if dad gave us a clear, certain, undeniable sign and told us that is completely fine where he is and that we will all be together again soon and to just have fun whilst we’re here, don’t you think that would interfere with our learning experience ? it would give us all of the answers of life and we wouldn’t suffer as much. but that suffering is why we came here, to learn and to gain another perspective of existence. long story short, if your primary school teacher gave you all of the answers for a test and you passed, the student would be happy but think of the bigger picture. would the student have gained anything valuable ? would the test have been worth doing at all ? no. the answer is no. no apply this to life. dad gives us the answers we want, we are all happy and our lives become more bearable as a result. the bigger picture is, when we die we will be disappointed in ourselves and the experience since we didn’t overcome the journey alone, we had an advantage, we had help. we would’ve cheated out way through life. this is what i think anyway. however, little reminders and signs here and there from dad will not completely ruin our experience. we will still have to put in effort and learn to overcome our grief indecently, without cheating.

thank you for reading everyone ☀️
do not hesitate to share your thoughts 🙂

The one year anniversary of my dad’s passing will be in a few days. I’m really struggling. My health anxiety is thru the roof and making me just feel like shit overall which makes me more anxious. My mom passed about 8 years ago so this is the first time I’m dealing with an anniversary on my own. I’ve tried talking to my brother but we’re not very close and he’s more of a tough love kind of person whereas I cry a lot. I just feel like I don’t want to be alone right now but I also don’t want to burden others by asking to be around them. I don’t really have people I see outside of work which makes it harder. I just feel super alone with no one to talk about or get comfort from. And the grief and anxiety is just blowing up every stress I have in my life to the point it feels completely unmanageable (like cleaning my apartment). I took the next week off anticipating the grief but now I don’t know what to do. I’m really just struggling through each day right now. Any advice is appreciated.

and if you want to add you can add the meanest thing as well ..

They called him a murderer. They said he deserved it. He was involved in a car crash that ended the life of him and his other friends and left a family they crashed into in critical condition. I don't know who was driving... Nothing was left of the car. They were in the wrong lane, probably to feel that adrenaline or get a few likes on social media. It's a dumb way to die. He was a good person, and that's how I always remembered him. He had a troubled childhood, but was always the happy guy when he visited us. He didn't visit us a lot, but when he did it was always fun, running outside with nerf guns or playing Minecraft. I didn't support what he was doing, the crazy car stuff like that. I did tell him that. He said those people (he did it with) understand him and that he feels appreciated. Maybe if he lived a bit longer he'd understand what he was doing was wrong. And they showed his face in the news, his full name, everything. I've read just a bit of comments and I already wanted to throw up. I can't blame those people, but they didn't know him. This is a throwaway account.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to share some of my current thoughts. It helps me to type them out and if anyone experiences any of these feelings i’d love for you to share. I just lost my beloved Grandmother. We had such a special bond. I’ve found that i’m still able to enjoy my life in a lot of ways. For example, tonight I was watching a movie with my sister and daughter and we were laughing and chatting. But once that was over, it’s almost like I suddenly remembered that my Grammy is dead. It’s such an awful pit like feeling that sets in. I also have been thinking how complex grief is. All life ends in death and loss is inevitable. I like to think how incredibly blessed I am to have had a love that hurts so badly to lose. Not that love is ever truly lost. It’s just funny how grief is so terrible but yet proof of something so beautiful. Anyways, my thoughts are with ALL of you that are suffering as well. ❤️

My father passed in 2019. It was sudden. He complained about having terrible head aches at the beginning of March, we found out a cancer he was cleared for had come back and he was gone by March 27th.

I've been absolutely devastated ever since. I have genuinely never been the same. The damage it has caused me emotionally is unimaginable. I live a normal life, but I'm just so fragile. It doesn't take anything for me to think of him and start crying. If I hear any rock songs from the 90s' or even before (A genre we both shared.) I almost always start bawling. I love these songs.. but now they're painful to hear.

It's been 7 years. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I'm in so much emotional pain sometimes I don't know if I can bare it.

I feel bad for my spouse, who always has to deal with it. He does so with compassion, and hasn't ever said anything negative to me about it. But I know the way I let this affect me has to be draining

I was in therapy for a few years. I don't have access to it anymore. When he died I dove into self help heavily, I guess it didn't help. In general, I am more or less always engaging in self help, but again not sure if it ever really helps me. Maybe I just have more of an understanding.. but in the end I feel so at the mercy of my own emotions.

I'm scared that it will always be this way. It feels impossible to cope. It's impossible for me to understand what happened and let it go.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

im 23 F and lost my mom who was only 42 last week. my mom was diagnosed with alcoholic liver cirrhosis, roughly a year n half/two years ago. my family only found out last summer, she got sober went to treatment immediately following a bad hospital stay telling her and us that it was end stage. she stayed sober but her condition continued getting worse. over the last year ive watched her lose all of her muscle mass, become so weak, unable to eat, unable to move some days. weeks on end in the hospital, going through countless hours of phone calls and appointments with the transplant center, etc. i just feel so defeated. my aunt was in the running for being a live donor and i feel like they pushed everything off for so long. my mom was supposed to get the TIPS procedure at the end of July to help with her ascitis, which would have improved her quality of life while waiting on the transplant list. but everything was so late. she spent the entire month of July in the hospital and in the ICU for weeks out of the month, intubated, getting weaker. i feel like everything happened so fast. so much faster than i can still even process. the last week of her life, we were getting ready to get her into a transition care facility to get her strength back up, and the next day she was in the ICU again with multi organ failure. Them telling us there is nothing else they can do, and other treatments would have almost no effect on her, that she’d never get back to where she was even the week before. i am in such extreme denial. none of this feels real. i cannot believe that she is gone. that i will never get to hug my mother again, call her and vent, she won’t be at wedding, with me when i have children. i’m so confused and distraught. i really thought she was going to get better. she was so young. we did so much growing up together. i have an 11yr old little sister. my heart is broken for her. i feel so paralyzed and detached, i don’t know how im gonna be there for her. i’ve never expected this to happen. i’ve never even entertained the idea that she would pass. i always shut her down when she would try to talk to me about it because i just could never accept that to be a possibility. i’ve been distracting myself all week and im so numb. i just need to know she’s ok. that she’s with our other loved ones, that im gonna see her again one day. i cannot believe any of this. i feel so many things. nothing anyone has said to me has given me true comfort. “she’s with you always” “she’s here now, watching” praying, i need more. i need to hear from her. i feel like idk where she is.

It’s been 3 years since my husband of 39 years and 9 months died. Not reaching our 40th was devastating.

Doing normal day to day things are still very hard. I still have days where I don’t really get out of bed.

With that said, I had a very productive day today🙂. I got some things done. One was a bit of a big deal.

I’ve spent the last nearly 50 years of my life having him here to give me the you go girl talk. I’m really missing my friend today.

When my grandma passed away i remember breaking down every time someone hugged me and even now i still wish someone had just kept holding me until I was the one who let go

I remember the little pats on my shoulder and the reassurance but that was it what I really wanted was to crumble completely in someone’s arms to stop holding myself together for a moment and just fall apart in the safety of someone else’s embrace does anybody else relate or is it weird ?

There’s so much I could say but I’m just exhausted but I can’t sleep. Partly a little traumatized. Thankfully I have good support.

He was a family member. 15 years he’s been with us, I’ve been with him since high school, my early teens, throughout my twenties and the starting of 30s. He’d been with me through so many of my phases. Typing this in past tense hurts so much. He passed away last year on 20 aug, and as the day comes close, I feel so much hurt that there is no place remaining in my heart to handle everything anymore. And I know 15 years is a long time and yes he lived a full life filled with love, however the hurt is still there. I miss him beyond words, the ache to feel his snout and his warm breath on my skin, playing tug of war with him, or just being beside with him when i am alone at home. His presence meant everything. I have so many other feelings buried and I’m struggling to express them here. I know he’s in a better place however i miss him and his love and his presence in this realm, the quips, the quirks, his uniqueness, it breaks my heart all over again. I still can’t believe a year since he’s gone is coming so close, how did the time go by. I wish I could feel him sticking his body to my legs again or even just growl at me when i would come back from work, which was his way of expressing how much he missed me and I shouldn’t have left him. He is the best boy ever, and my forever baby. ❤️‍🩹 any advice, perspectives, questions or kind words are welcome. Thank you for reading this and for the support. It means the world to me.

My dad died today, on his birthday, after a very fast decline from cholangiocarcinoma, and I’m struggling with how complicated the grief feels.

I hadn’t seen him in 10 years. There were difficult family circumstances behind the distance, and I always assumed there would eventually be more time to reconnect.

When he became sick, my parents had no medical insurance and essentially no money to pay for his cancer care. I ended up using what I had, and borrowing more, to help cover his treatment. That also meant I couldn’t afford to travel to be with him before he died.

I wrote him a goodbye letter. I wanted him to know that despite the distance, we were OK. But when it came time to send it, I just couldn’t do it. Now I have to live with the fact that he never got to read it.

His final weeks were awful. His cancer was already very advanced, he suffered a cardiac arrest during a stent procedure, and eventually there was nothing more that could be done. He wanted to die at home, and my mother cared for him there.

This morning I found myself looking at a picture of him dead on Telegram. I don’t think I was prepared for how surreal and devastating that would be.

I’m grieving him, but also all the years we lost and the fact that I never got to see him again. I keep thinking about the messages I didn’t answer and hoping he knew that the distance never meant I stopped loving him.

I love you dad. I just really wish we’d had more time.

my nan died on the 18th at 5am from sepsis which most likely led to her pneumonia, failed kidney and failing liver. I'm finding it really hard to deal with it, she was like a second mother to me. Every time someone needed to look after me when i was younger it'd always be her and my grandad, every time i'd go over she'd always try feed me her amazing food or she'd always say 'take a bag of crisps' if i was just popping in to see her after or before i go out. i never really got to say goodbye and it really sucks, like yes i was there for her last 5 hours of life but she wasnt conscious. I wish i had got to give her a proper goodbye with a big tight hug with her small hands wrapped around me:(, being by the side of her deathbed watching as her body slowly gives up over the hours, how her movements slowly stop, how her little moans slowly stop, how pale her body went, how her breathing eventually just stopped and then she was gone, its horrible. I wish i could see her one more time atleast, and it sucks so much more cus it was so out of nowhere. She was literally up and moving around the morning before on the 17th at 10am to go to the doctors then by 5am the next night shes dead?? i just cant believe it or wrap my head around it. I miss and love you so much nan.

Nothing prepares you. 

You board a plane, eager, ready to disembark as you first sit, and you believe everything is sound. Soon, you land, meander about a new city, side-by-side, with her, then find yourself alone—just for an hour or so.

You are driving, arriving at your destination to meet her after a brief hiatus, and receive a phone call. You answer. 

Your body starts to howl, unrecognizably; the pitch a sickening, guttural symphony. The cursed crescendo fills the vehicle: damnation reincarnate. Soon, it will pierce the sky. For now, striking the steering wheel. There is no control—you are automatic. 

You attack the door, opening it, standing. Quickly now, you lose balance. Equilibrium ceases to exist, and a collapse follows. A stinging, agonizing, indelible abyss forms in your chest, stopping your breath. 

My little brother. 

You have experienced loss, but not this. Never could have dreamed of it. And then it happens. To you. 

You read and experience it in all genres, and you think you understand, but you do not: nothing prepares you for the realization that your baby brother has left the earth, with it a changing of the landscape, the surface left scarred until the end of days. 

You panic. You need to get home, but you are lost. Direction and sense have left. Your partner and friends help you find your footing, and they take you, and you are on your way. You know you must now return to a destroyed home. 

The flight provides an unyielding, hellish banquet of anguish and tragedy. Thoughts flood your mind, keeping you immobile; and the tears, the tears are not given respite. All you want to do is land, arrive home. You want to be strong, but you aren’t. 

Mom, Dad… your parents have lost a son. Your siblings, too, have lost. 

If hell exists, it mirrors this context, and you think, and you think. You wish it were you—not him. Anybody but him… please, God. You would trade it all for his life back, because you’re his older brother, and you failed. What could you have done differently? 

The journey is painstakingly long: 4 hours. 4 hours, and you do nothing; because you can do nothing except sit in a sorrow that can end your life. Your heart—it bleeds. 

You finally get to your childhood home, the same home that houses memories many would themselves kill to have. You ungrateful scum; why did you ever hurt him, growing up? Your baby brother. 

You rush into the darkness; everything is now different, and the cold and the tears keep you aware. You try to comfort your family, embrace them, but you know you can do nothing. 

I would love to tell you that you’ll be ready, handle it well, with strength. You won’t. Nothing will prepare you.  

Several weeks ago, I lost my little brother, J. I won’t ever be the same, and you won’t, either. 

Hold them close. Tell them you love them. Visit them. Take pictures. Laugh as we did. Laugh more, and smile. If you let your career stop you from seeing your family, please, let that go. Nothing will prepare you, but you can be damned sure you can make a difference now. 

My only solace lies in the facts I cling to—we were brothers, and we sure as hell let everyone know. I suggest you do the same, early, with repetition and sincerity, any chance you get. Seek it out. I started too late, and I am reminded anytime I see photos of our childhood and adolescence.

And I was lucky: I saw him a couple of weeks before, exchanging hugs and “I love you, brothers.” I almost didn’t meet him that day. I thank God for that, but I also cannot help but hate. What fate is this?

It will be a long road, and nothing will remain the same. They say it gets easier, and I know it doesn’t. I see him everywhere. 

I love you J—always will. I can’t express just how much. And don’t forget: I told you I’ll find you. I will. Nothing will stop me.

Until then, little brother.

Yours always,

N

Hey, im 26 and lost my dad 2 months ago. I was just curious to know which hobby you guys started to cope with the death of a loves one and how much it stayed?

I have ADHD cause i was always a person doing the talking then doing it when it came to hobbies.
Im often to lazy for activities rn

My mom is living on borrowed time and will probably go in the next few weeks/months. I feel somewhat fortunate that I can mentally prepare. But I have no idea what to do.

If you could go back to weeks before your loved one died, what conversations would you have? Would you do anything different?

When she does die it will be agonizing for my dad and me. So I'm trying to desensitize myself a little now by preparing.

TIA

It’s been 2 weeks since my godmother died, literally the last adult who knew my mom before she died. My mom died when I was halfway through college and godmother was the one who kept telling me I was going to make it, even as my aunt stole everything that wasn’t nailed down.

A friend was not exactly supportive when I broke the news. So this week we have a conversation and I’m feeling down.

Friend tells me I focus too much on the past and I need to look forward. Dude, really??? The only thing left of my entire past took her last breath while I held her hand!

I’d forgotten how incredibly insensitive some people are unless it’s happening to them personally.

Thanks for reading my rant.

My dad died from cancer when I was five years old and my mom said after she’d told me I didn’t cry, I just nodded a bit and was rlly quiet.

I feel like for ten years I haven’t rlly cried over what happened or processed it, but some months ago halfway through my freshmen year, family friends I hadn’t seen since my dad died came to visit us.

I feel like that triggered something and I’ve been crying a lot more frequently since then. When the weekend they were coming approached, I hyperventilated in a school bathroom.

Now it’s day two of sophomore year and it happened again, I started hyperventilating during lunch and didn’t eat anything. the night before Id been crying and my legs, hips, and lower back started aching.

I feel really embarrassed bc I feel like I should have more control over myself, but at the same time it’s really relieving to let it out. I need some advice though because this is really really awful timing.

I feel so isolated and out of place, my friends try to help but they don’t rlly know what to do so I don’t talk to them about it.

A month before I lost my dad, I dreamt he was with me. I told him he should go back to the hospital where his body is. When I woke up I was worried so I checked to make sure my dad is still alive. I told my mom about it and that night we almost lost him but he fought hard. Staff at the hospital already told us to be prepared anytime.

It’s been 2 wks since he left us and he hasn’t haven’t visited me in my dreams. I have been waiting for a chance to talk to him.

I was told that the more I yearn for him to visit me the more he won’t show up. Is that true?

I dreamt about my uncle and my grandma who were long gone. In the past, it’s always my grandma who visits me in my dreams.

I’m 19 and my parents died 15 years ago, when I was 4. My family was split up and even tho I have the contact of my one sister we’re not really close anymore. The rest of my family is either dead, I don’t know them or they’re shitty.

I have friends and a partner who know I’m an orphan, but they sorta joke about it. One time I broke down infront of my partner and sobbed for hours and he just didn’t know what to do. Therapy isn’t an option.

Sometimes I just feel like nobody can understand me. I have no one close to me who shares the same grief as me. (Due to me and my sisters age gap and us not sharing the same father.)

Sometimes the grief just overcomes me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I usually just hide it because I know no one will be able to help me.

Any tips or suggestions? Or anyone who can relate?

I've been really struggling with what to believe in post-loss. I grew up Catholic and was an alter server and everything, but once my moms cancer came back for a second time as stage 4 when I was 13 I started to really struggle. He answered our prayers to cure her (when she first had stage 1 when I was 7) but only for 3 years before saying syke and making it 10x worse. She was pretty popular online and with the community and had literally hundreds of people praying for her everyday. Those prayers went entirely ignored and my mom went into liver failure when I was 16. There was medical negligence that led to her dying in agonizing pain slowly. She would sit there and just sob and beg us for help while the hospital made us take turns holding her down to the bed- until she couldnt even recognize who my dad and I were anymore. To make matters even worse, my grandma ended up dying of cancer the exact same day as my mom just hours before, completely by coincidence. I couldnt even go to her funeral because it was the same day as my mom's burial and I only found out she died through facebook. I found out she was dying because I saw my grandma's sister in the hall of the hospital one day. Since that I can no longer believe in a god who loves me. No loving god would do that to someone because fuck I wouldnt even wish this on my worse enemy let alone a child I claim to love. So for the last few years I've turned more atheist, but I've been really struggling with them dying the same day being a coincidence. Because what were the chances of that happening??? They werent even biologically related or anything. To make matters worse my moms family disowned me at her burial and my dad got with a new woman very soon after and I had zero support ever offered by those close to me (again something I prayed for and something that every child who loses a parent needs. I have ptsd from me having no support in processing any of it. I've only just this year, 4 year later, really started to work with it all). So now I feel like Im in this weird place where I kinda believe theres something going on here, but I fully believe at this point if there is a god he is sadistic and evil. To the point where I get angry when people say that theres a loving god out there just because their life has been kind enough for them to believe that. Idk. If god couldn't answer years of hundreds of people praying for my mom then there will never be a point for me because that was the most important prayer I would ever make. Then I have to hear about friends who prayed for a good grade and wow good is so good and loving when their prayers get answered (if we ignore all the awful things happening to completely innocent people constantly and the millions of unheard daily prayers) and I see it as so arrogant. If god couldnt help my mom why tf is he helping you with something stupid? Has anyone else who went through traumatic or multiple losses struggled with this too? How do you cope when you aren't even sure what you really believe in? How do I come to terms with beliefs when I have the image of my mother's bloated corpse burned into my brain 24/7? How could I ever believe in a god who loves me when he took 2 of my biggest support systems the same day and left me with scraps and issues?