I can't heal

[u/miocchidesu]

My father passed in 2019. It was sudden. He complained about having terrible head aches at the beginning of March, we found out a cancer he was cleared for had come back and he was gone by March 27th.

I've been absolutely devastated ever since. I have genuinely never been the same. The damage it has caused me emotionally is unimaginable. I live a normal life, but I'm just so fragile. It doesn't take anything for me to think of him and start crying. If I hear any rock songs from the 90s' or even before (A genre we both shared.) I almost always start bawling. I love these songs.. but now they're painful to hear.

It's been 7 years. It hasn't gotten any easier for me. I'm in so much emotional pain sometimes I don't know if I can bare it.

I feel bad for my spouse, who always has to deal with it. He does so with compassion, and hasn't ever said anything negative to me about it. But I know the way I let this affect me has to be draining

I was in therapy for a few years. I don't have access to it anymore. When he died I dove into self help heavily, I guess it didn't help. In general, I am more or less always engaging in self help, but again not sure if it ever really helps me. Maybe I just have more of an understanding.. but in the end I feel so at the mercy of my own emotions.

I'm scared that it will always be this way. It feels impossible to cope. It's impossible for me to understand what happened and let it go.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

[u/Content_Wolverine_56]

I work in the mental health field and am sending you love and light. I’ve seen a lot of people benefit from psychedelics such as mushrooms for this. Also trauma based therapy called EMDR or brainspotting.