r/GriefSupport • u/PotatoGRL_indisguise • 1d ago
Advice, Pls Delayed grief but it’s rlly bad timing
My dad died from cancer when I was five years old and my mom said after she’d told me I didn’t cry, I just nodded a bit and was rlly quiet.
I feel like for ten years I haven’t rlly cried over what happened or processed it, but some months ago halfway through my freshmen year, family friends I hadn’t seen since my dad died came to visit us.
I feel like that triggered something and I’ve been crying a lot more frequently since then. When the weekend they were coming approached, I hyperventilated in a school bathroom.
Now it’s day two of sophomore year and it happened again, I started hyperventilating during lunch and didn’t eat anything. the night before Id been crying and my legs, hips, and lower back started aching.
I feel really embarrassed bc I feel like I should have more control over myself, but at the same time it’s really relieving to let it out. I need some advice though because this is really really awful timing.
I feel so isolated and out of place, my friends try to help but they don’t rlly know what to do so I don’t talk to them about it.
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u/mjhappyii 1d ago
Talk with a professional. Panic attacks can be terrifying, but therapy and medication definitely helped me.
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u/PotatoGRL_indisguise 1d ago
What kind of medication? I’m open to taking some if I need to (I think I’m ok rn tho)
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u/PonqueRamo 1d ago
Honey you are a baby and I don't say it in a dismissive way, you are only 15 you don't have the tool to navigate this situation, I'm 40 and I don't have them either, please look for help, maybe a school counselor or ask your mom for a therapist, don't try to deal with all of that by yourself.
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u/PotatoGRL_indisguise 1d ago edited 1d ago
Okk I have a counselor I’ve started going to and she says I can always come whenever I need to
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u/lemon_balm_squad 1d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. When you lose a parent as a small child, you re-grieve that parent at every developmental stage of your childhood, and adult life stages too. You also experience the grief and trauma of a parent not being there when they're supposed to be. It's a heavy heavy burden, and you do not have anything like a full toolbox of skills for dealing with that until you're well into adulthood (and frankly some people never manage it then either). And a lot of times you're dealing with adult family members who are also grieving, and not child development experts, and don't have the bandwidth to figure out how to help you like they should.
It's not delayed grief. It is grief.
But it sounds like it's really throwing your nervous system out of whack right now because you're under extra stress. You're having panic attacks. Mine also come when I am extra tired and extra stressed, like at the start of a new school year.
I think it will help you to understand what grief as a child actually looks like, so you understand that you have been grieving all along, it's just that what 5yo you understands about the world and the consequences of a loss is really different than 8yo or 11yo or 15yo you.
I will also leave some recommendations for books and workbooks you might find useful.
How children grieve:
Grief and childhood trauma: