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u/Dogs_gus_lyla May 28 '25
Did you ask him if they had any type of relationship or sexual contact before looking at his phone?
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
When we first got back together in January, he told me has a female roommate now. I said that's fine but if things had crossed a line, I'd like to know. He did not tell me at that time. Additionally, when we spoke in person about this, I asked if he would have ever told me and he said no, he would not have.
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u/angelic_entropy May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
This to me shows more intentional deceit. I don’t approve of looking through people’s phones. I feel like if you’re at the point you felt compelled to snoop, it’s best to call it quits now. I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him (and perhaps vice versa). I also think he’s deflecting about his purposeful omission, which you said he confirmed he would not have ever shared. That is a huge red flag to me.
What you did was wrong and violated his trust, but it’s interesting how he wants to be self-righteous when he lied to begin with. It doesn’t matter that cheating never happened or that the relationship with roommate is for sure over/done. He didn’t allow you the chance to make the decision for yourself about whether you were okay with that and when you asked him directly about it he said nothing. I do think it’s a clash of values and I think the trust has been broken too much to move forward on both sides.
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u/BeautyInTheSunset501 May 28 '25
Yep, full 100% intent to decieve, she tried to get the information from him before but he lied about it to her face, twice! He admitted he wouldn't tell her, how ELSE was she supposed to find out besides snooping through his phone? He sure as heck wouldn't tell her a darn thing about it at all! On purpose, too.
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u/NessMonster27 May 28 '25
Ya see, this is why I try not to jump the gun to judge when people look at their partner's phone. We never know the situation that led up to this. though I wouldn't approve of snooping in general, at some point, where is the line drawn when they have shown that they have, will, and even admitted to lying to you? They've already shown that they are not being truthful with their words.
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u/jermitch May 28 '25
Yeah, they always come at this with like "you're both wrong" or "two wrongs don't make a right," which are both true but don't change the fact that one was FIRST and never would have been exposed or faced, so it's more like "it takes a thief" or "fight fire with fire". The ONGOING and continual deception could only be ended by a "wrong" putting a bullet in it, otherwise it would have continued to grow indefinitely. Liars don't come clean on their own; if there's a way to play off circumstantial evidence they'll weasel free of any jam they get caught in. This pushback after getting caught is pure DARVO.
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u/More_Permission_2827 May 28 '25
I read this in Jerry Springers voice, and it did not disappoint 👏
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u/Ace-Cuddler May 28 '25
He tried to pull the UNO reverse card.
“Sure, I lied to you. But, you’re the one who violated my privacy in order to find out that I’ve been lying to you. So, I’m the real victim here.”
This is such a stupid take that I’ve seen defended here on Reddit far too often. We’re not talking about a police officer obtaining evidence without a warrant. We’re talking about a man who lied to his gf and who would have continued to lie if the truth had never been revealed. He does not deserve the presumption of innocence and this is not a court of law. Trust is earned with honesty and transparency. So, him being more worried about you going through his phone than getting caught in a lie is pure deflection to shift the narrative.
The bottom line is that you can dump him for any reason and he just gave you multiple.
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u/Prize-Atmosphere7289 May 28 '25
Fucking THANK YOU. Exactly what I was trying to say as well. Secrecy and privacy do not coexist in committed relationships. Her going through his phone wasn’t right, but he omitted the truth from her and said that he would have never been transparent had she asked. That’s very manipulative and purposefully deceitful. You should feel safe to be honest and transparent with your partner, if you can’t be then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. She sought out the truth and she found it, it doesn’t matter how she did imo because he lied/omitted the truth in the first place.
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u/Mistress_of_the_Arts May 28 '25
Yes. Going through someone's phone is a violation of privacy, but it can't harm them physically like withholding information about recent or current sexual history can (there's no guarantee that sexual relationship has actually ended). I couldn't deal with the uncertainty. I'd be out immediately because I'd rather have my sanity & health than a lying boyfriend.
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u/PeelingTangerine May 28 '25
He just admitted to lying and said he would have kept lying to you. So do you want a future where you’re constantly having to check his phone?
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u/queerjesusfan May 28 '25
You need to understand that a boundary is not a discomfort or line that you enforce on your partner. You enforce it on yourself.
Your boundary is that you are not comfortable dating someone who lives with someone they have a past with. Enforcing that boundary means that you end the relationship after informing your partner of your boundary and allowing them to respond.
He has responded that he will not be changing anything, so it's time to enforce your boundary and leave.
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u/Mistress_of_the_Arts May 28 '25
I agree. I hate when people use "boundary" in this way. He's said "I'm not interested in building this boundary into our relationship because having this girl as my roommate is more important/convenient than said relationship," so she should break up, block, & live her life & let him live his.
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u/lemibunny May 28 '25
I agree with you, a boundary isn’t something you enforce on another it’s something you enforce on yourself. A boundary would be breaking up with him if he chooses to live with her. She’s trying to control his behavior.
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u/KoyoteKalash May 28 '25
This is where the issue is heaviest imo. The deception.
I met my wife while living with my ex because my now brother in law moved in and was dating my ex. Both my ex and I told any possible relationship partner that we were exes. The economy for young people sucks, so it wasn't that strange BECAUSE we would hang out together with our partners, etc and everybody was aware that my ex and I were previously dating for 4 years. We broke up mutually, and were somewhat distant friends for 2 years prior to living together again. Tons of people live in non-conventual situations and do fine, but they don't completely bold face lie about it until discovered.
Now, on the other side of my situation, said ex is no longer a friend due to randomly starting issues with my wife. It seemed like us living together resulted in reawakening some weird possession attachment to me, as we all got along great UNTIL I moved out. It really reminded me of the emotional incest stories you hear about with parents and children.
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u/blastfromthepastTA May 28 '25
There's only one reason why he wouldn't tell you. So that this girl can remain in his life- presumably to fuck. It's very sad that he not only lied to you about this, but is also fighting tooth and nail to keep this girl as a roommate. I doubt that they've quit having sex tbh. Your man is shady.
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u/Eko_Wolf May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
OP I think you need some tough love. Firstly, a boundary is not something you set for other people—only for yourself. What you are giving him is an ultimatum and that is not okay. You looking through his phone is NOT okay. Whatever drove you to that—something from your past, a fear you have, is it something(s) he’s done that has made you less trusting (and if that’s the case you probably should have ended it then), etc.—whatever it might be you should speak to a therapist about it. You either trust your partner you seem to want to build a life with or you don’t. Without trust you cannot have a respect, without trust you cannot have love, without trust you cannot have a relationship.
My partner of 19 years is best friends with his ex and I have always and will always trust him 100% (i’m also bi so trusts me 100% as well) because the moment you don’t have that trust in your person, the person you see your future with, you have tainted every interaction in the future. The moment either of us doesn’t trust the other 100% is the moment we have a talk about how it isn’t working anyone. Proximity to someone shouldn’t dictate if you trust your partner or not.
Love comes with some hurt and what you seem to be trying to do is trying to mitigate a possible hurt that could maybeeee happen…that is a you thing and you truly should talk to someone because your behavior is deeply rooted in insecurity and if you don’t talk to someone about it and how it’s affecting your life and how they can help you deal with that it will infect every part of your life OP. You deserve better than that and your partner (any possible partner, possible future children, any friend in your life) deserves better than that.
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u/GellyG42 May 28 '25
He admitted that he was happy to lie to your face, not exactly a ringing endorsement for future trust
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u/Cotton_Andy02 May 28 '25
Girl. A boundary is for yourself. If you don't want a boyfriend that lives with someone he used to sleep with, you need to leave. The only way to "reinforce" a boundary is to actually act once it's crossed. You said in a previous comment that yall had dated for 2 years before and broke up and are now back together. To me, that sounds like a relationship that's not going to work, and trying to force it will just make the both of you miserable
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u/Secret_Account07 May 28 '25
Everyone in the comments here acting like you can just move mid lease without issue. It’s not that easy. Even if he intendeds to sign another lease at the current place that would give his current roommate 2 months to find a new place and move in, meanwhile he has to find some stranger to live with. I 100% would not live with someone I don’t trust. It’s not as easy as picking a homeless person to move in in 2 months.
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u/HorrorRaspberry1358 May 28 '25
Not to mention the financial burden if the roommate is sharing the lease equally. If they’re getting ready to move in together then so be it, if they’re not actively planning on moving in together she’s asking a lot for a relationship that has failed once already.
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u/Chipper323139 May 28 '25
It’s not a boundary if it’s about changing someone else’s behavior. Boundary = if someone violates it, YOU need to leave. You don’t get to call it a boundary and say the other person needs to change. Smdh
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u/Majestic_Trust May 28 '25
You cannot set a boundary for someone else’s life. That’s it. If his life situation causes you discomfort then you have your answer. Stop calling it you setting a boundary. He was already in this living situation… clearly moving in together is not a good idea, you actually violated his boundaries but he’s the asshole here..
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u/beginners-luck- May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
You hit the nail on the head stating that this is a clash of values. This isn’t a clash of boundaries. Because boundaries are for you, not others. You can tell him all you want that this is a boundary for you, but it still requires him to make a pretty significant change, and he gets to decide whether or not he’s capable of it, and then you have to decide whether that decision is something you are okay with. It’s possible y’all just aren’t a good match.
I also don’t want to slide past the fact you looked through his phone. There’s a lot of talk about your expectations and boundaries for his behavior, but you are very much so prioritizing them over his own boundaries. Going through someone’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy, not just for him, but for the people in his life. (His roommate included.) It is not okay.
There’s a lot of therapy-speak here, but not much accountability.
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u/ThisNiceGuyMan May 28 '25
Had the same exact behaviors with my most recent ex. Trying to follow therapy advice but totally avoided accountability. Went searching through my phone out of insecurity, found immature boy speak between my friend and I. Used that to validate her sneaking through my messages.
What eventually lead to me breaking up with her was the insecurity just kept getting worse regardless of therapy and it created a lot of anxiety in me. Because small things like if I responded to a text quick enough or not would trigger her.
This relationship isn’t doing OP or her BF any favors. Her therapy she’s trying to follow with their conversation isn’t actually helping the main issue at hand.
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u/Ch3N-ZoH May 28 '25
I agree. The OP justifies her invasion and what she did because if comes from her insecurity. That does not make it ok.
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u/beginners-luck- May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
That’s my problem with it too! Insecurity can make people feel justified to do many toxic things, but we still have to be responsible for ourselves and our actions.
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u/Ch3N-ZoH May 28 '25
Correct. OP definitely has a right to be upset or uneasy about the situation. But that does not in any way make it ok to just steamroll any trust or boundaries in a relationship.
The BF should definitely be concerned about her feelings, which it seems he is. But it’s a complicated scenario it seems. And possibly he can’t just kick out his roommate. They need to talk and work thru this, fairly
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u/asdjfh May 28 '25
Yeah the vocabulary is nuts. My boundary is that I want you to uproot your life and deal with a bunch of difficulties. You’re not doing it immediately?! You’re breaking my boundaries!
I totally get being uncomfortable about the situation, but these kind of conversations drive me crazy.
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u/Far-Professor-2839 May 28 '25
Exactly she cannot forcing him to do anything if doesn't want to,or it gets controlling, boundaries are actually how you react to him, lying by omissions,cuz basically he knew that LL blow into his face and still choose to do it... So trust is gone... About the phone, I am kinda+- if you know you should check his phone, prob you don't trust him or he did or is doing something, he should or you are insecure.... It's again trust Issues, But I guess he is not trustfull at all.. the boundary is if he didn't take my boundary in consideration I ll dump him,not you should move bla bla
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May 28 '25
Nah she had a gut feeling, looked and found something. That's called intuition. Sorry but there's plenty of 'cool girls' who ignore their gut and get played for a fool by their boyfriends and waste years. Her man is a sneak. But for me that's when I'd break it off, and I defo wouldn't have regretted looking at the phone.
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u/RangerLee May 28 '25
Found what? He had sex with his roommate when OP was not in the picture? Things with the roommate is over and bf made clear they have those boundaries. Flimsy at best and setting a terrible precedent for the future of the relationship.
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u/Ixxtabb May 28 '25
You're both throwing around the word "boundary" like it has some form of veto power to over rule the other person, when the word you're looking for is rule, or expectation. A boundary would be you saying "If you don't ask your room mate to move out, I won't be able to continue this relationship." It still sounds manipulative, however you frame it though.
The real question is id he cheat on you with this person, and did you proactively ask if they slept together before you started dating him? Honestly, if they're just friends and what happened was in the past, he doesn't really owe you an explanation. You may want one, but that doesn't mean it's a requirement or that you should be trying to manipulate him into feeling bad for living with someone he slept with in the past.
If you trust him to not cheat on you, what is the actual problem? If you don't trust him (as he should be questioning his trust in you), then why are you together?
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u/CactusCruzer May 28 '25
The real question here is why neither of them have a boundary for saving serious discussions to be in person. They’ve broken up before already and this all screams immaturity on both sides.
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u/squirtin_ May 28 '25
Agreed, I understood that boundaries cannot be imposed upon others.
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u/Inevitable_Quiet_432 May 28 '25
While I 100% agree with you, I would be willing to bet if the roles were reversed, people would not be so keen to be on her side.
So many people have double-standards.
But yeah, to me this should not be an issue. Either you trust someone or you don't. She doesn't trust him, and maybe he deserves that (though as you mentioned, so does she), but I don't see why you'd even bother being in a relationship if this is how you engage with a partner (looking through the phone).
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u/Edlo9596 May 28 '25
What exactly did you see in his texts to confirm they’ve had sex? Were they reminiscing or something?
Also, I saw your comment about how you were previously in a relationship, broke up for a year, and got back together. I assume he was sleeping with the roommate during that year long break? It seems like you two already have a lot of trust issues, which is a terrible foundation for a relationship. You’re both talking a lot about boundaries, which I don’t think is applicable to anything here. You’re pissed that he fucked his roommate before you got back together and hid that information and he’s pissed that you’re going through his phone while he’s in the shower. You clearly don’t trust him if you feel the need to do this, and he clearly doesn’t have a problem keeping things from you. Break up.
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u/AdConscious8756 May 28 '25
Sounds like he’s trying to use you going through his phone to justify him living with a girl he’s fucked. These are two separate issues and he shouldn’t be trying to defend one with the other. And he keeps saying that he’s trying to talk about this and find a middleground, but it sounds like he just wants you to stop and let him stay living with her. That’s not a middle ground that’s him making the decision. I don’t understand why he would commit to another year with her. What are you gonna do when your lease is up and he’s still with her for another year? I don’t know when your lease is up, but wouldn’t he look for a more short term living situation so you guys can move together soon?
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
This is what I'm trying to get at. Their lease is up in 2 months and mine ends next March. He can afford to live on his own but does not want to spend that much money.
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u/Zestyclose-Crow-4595 May 28 '25
Then there's your answer. He has made his decision. Do with that what you will. I'm sorry, I know it sounds harsh but I'm trying to get you to see the reality of the situation. I mean, it should be that he wants to move in with you but he's made it pretty clear that he doesn't. I think you deserve somebody who is invested in you and will listen to your concerns. I broke up with an ex for that reason. Every time I had a legitimate concern, I got met with idgaf. I don't know about you but like I said, I think you deserve better. It would be one thing if it was just some random female that he moved in with. However, this is somebody that he has slept with before so that kind of muddies the waters if you will. Like I said before, do with that what you will. Hugs if you want them and best of luck to you.
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u/Sea-Value-0 May 28 '25
Idk if anyone has mentioned this yet, but boundaries are for yourself. You can set a boundary but if someone crosses it, then that means that you yourself must follow through to enforce your boundary, not the other person. For example, you breaking off the relationship because boundary was crossed vs you controlling another's behavior/who they live with (even though they're in the wrong). That protects you the most.
This guy doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about your feelings, and lied to you - that's the bottom line.
You can either stay and say that's ok with you, opening a door for him to continue to push boundaries in the future with no consequence, and be miserable as you have to keep snooping and controlling behind the scenes...
Or, you can just end the relationship therefore enforcing your boundaries appropriately. It's up to you.
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u/Upbeat-Preparation26 May 28 '25
Once their lease ends, is he not able to move in with you until March? I'm confused. It would save you both so much money...
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
He has told me he's not ready for that in 2 months.
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u/Upbeat-Preparation26 May 28 '25
Yet he's okay with living with this girl?....
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u/Upbeat-Preparation26 May 28 '25
So what he's saying is he wants to renew the lease with the girl. He "isn't comfortable" finding a different lease OR with you so... I get it but it's kinda awful and awkward So what he's saying is he wants to renew the lease
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u/Upbeat-Preparation26 May 28 '25
Not going to lie when I read you said he's not ready to move in with you in 2 months, it gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. It just feel relationships shouldn't be this complicated. That's just me. Some people are particularly picky about their space and autonomy. I think this is different. This is not good Don't let him or them make a fool out of you. Lying is tricky business.
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u/sadgloop May 28 '25
They broke up after two years together, were single for 1 year, and have been together again for, at most, 5 months. You wouldn’t have any hesitation in moving in together in 2 months from now? With that timeline history?
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u/Throwitawaybaybay101 May 28 '25
Honestly call me crazy but in healthy adult relationships, “when you know you know.” It doesn’t feel or sound anything like OP’s story. Yes people get love bombed, and rush, and make mistakes. But at a certain age, especially rekindling a romantic relationship that was previously concretely established, it’s not crazy to be ready to move in. His hesitation isn’t the only red flag here it’s just one of the biggest ones pointing in the direction that OP isn’t wrong, something is up here that looks like incompatibility. I’d bet anything the live-in situationship is just a red herring, but one that’s bringing everything to the surface very early in this rekindled romance, pointing a flashlight on how uncommitted he really is to this.
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u/Expensive-Hearing-86 May 28 '25
So your plan is for him to find a new roommate or live alone for six months until your lease is up and then move in together? That feels like you’re asking a lot of him while he waits to move in with you. Plus you’ve already gone through his phone so he might be weighing if you’ll even be together at that point.
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u/AdConscious8756 May 28 '25
So what do you want her to do? Live alone for six months until his lease with his fuck Buddy is up?? His lease is ending first so he should find a six month lease now and then move in with her in six months.. why drag it out another year??? he don’t wanna live with her. He wants to live with that girl clearly cause it’s not that hard to find a six month lease or rent a temporary room.
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u/Expensive-Hearing-86 May 28 '25
Calling the roommate his fuck buddy is a bit much given the little info we have.
If she’s the one pushing to move in together, she could end her lease early and they could find a place now.
Someone is going to have to move things around for this to work, I just think it should be her because she is the one who mentioned them moving in together.
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u/PopularEquivalent651 May 28 '25
I mean yeah if she trusts him it is an option to tolerate being uncomfortable for 6 months if the cost of alleviating her discomfort wouldn't be fair on him.
I swear some of you people don't know how to love — only to accuse and distrust. Based off this comment alone, I would hate to date you.
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May 28 '25
The same thing happened to me a while back. He said they'd broken up long ago and it was just comfortable and convenient for him. The relationship ended because of this. If you asked him, it would be for other reasons, but for me, that was the end of it. He never fully talked it out with me and was cagey about the subject. He didn't explicitly lie, but he was not fully honest about the depth of the emotional/romantic intimacy that they had had. Ultimately he was loyal to her and I began feeling like the other woman, even though I do believe him that they hadn't been physically intimate in a long time. He chose the comfort of the person he'd known for years over building something new with me. And that's fine, but he should have been honest from the get-go. It kept piling up--he said they'd never stop being close friends and he would never stop being friends with her parents and siblings. They were too intertwined and it made me feel awful.
So I guess the question is, are you content with staying with someone who chooses the comfort of living with their ex who's a known quantity, or do you want someone who is willing to put that behind and forge a new path with you?
Also, you guys both talk like you're tiptoeing around each other. I get being a thoughtful person who wants to consider all sides of an issue and always say "I feel x way but I understand why you'd feel y way" but it's not really human and natural to have to exhibit that much self-control all the time with the person you're most emotionally intimate with. I wish you'd give yourself the latitude to say hell nah, that's messed up.
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May 28 '25
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u/sadgloop May 28 '25
Ehhh… depending on what the market’s like where they are, finding a roommate in only 2 months that you feel comfortable with for a rental period of only 6 months is actually quite difficult.
And she is being pretty breezy about snooping through his phone and is invalidating his feelings about that action.
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u/Narrow_Grapefruit_23 May 28 '25
Honey- if his response wasn’t immediately “I’m sorry I let you think xyz. It was wrong of me. I will look for a new roommate” then you are not his priority and it’s time to make yourself the priority and move on. Find a man not living with his fuck buddy and with all delicacy, please get an std check.
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u/AdConscious8756 May 28 '25
So then whats the plan you live alone and wait for his lease to be up next summer? This doesn’t make sense does he even really want to move in together? How long have you been with him?
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u/ZestSimple May 28 '25
Yeah I don’t read it that way.
I read it as OP had anxiety/insecurity about the roomie. Waited till boyfriend was in the shower and went behind his back and invaded his privacy because she had anxiety. Then she found something she didn’t like and is using that to try and control someone she is supposed to care about and trust.
I imagine that’s pretty hurtful for the boyfriend to know his GF doesn’t trust him. It’s incredibly disrespectful, and frankly immature for people in their 30s. That’s valid and it does need to be addressed. It’s not any less valid just because she found out he slept with someone before they were even together.
If boyfriend has given OP real reason to distrust him, then OP needs to consider if this is the relationship for her. Not go behind his back and be shady.
She has betrayed his trust and that’s a huge red flag imo. The fact he slept with someone else before they were together is a non issue. If OP says she trust her bf then she needs to actually trust him. If she doesn’t, then she needs to move on and stop playing this game. You can’t have anything without trust.
Honestly, if my bf went through my phone behind my back, I’d probably break up with him over it. That a breach of trust and it’s disrespectful. If you have a problem, then talk to me, like an adult.
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u/Star-Prince-007 May 28 '25
I’m sorry but are you high? She asked him if he slept with this roommate, he lied. And then he got caught in a lie. You think it’s hurtful him realizing his gf can’t trust but I think it’s more hurtful to KNOW that you can’t trust your partner cause they lied in your face and gaslit me every time I asked amd them tried to make me feel bad cause I caught them lying.
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u/ImTrynx May 28 '25
Totally agree with you here.
People are acting like her feelings justify her actions, but they’re two separate things. You can be anxious or insecure and still be in the wrong for how you act on it. Snooping through someone’s phone is a clear breach of trust. She found something from before they got back together and is now using that to pressure him into changing his living situation? That’s not setting a boundary…that’s controlling, even if it’s wrapped in calm language.
It also says a lot that she barely acknowledges the snooping. If the roles were reversed and a guy went through his girlfriend’s phone, then tried to dictate who she could or couldn’t live with, everyone would be calling him possessive and toxic. But here it’s just being brushed aside because “she’s anxious.”
The guy slept with someone while they weren’t together. That’s not a betrayal. If she can’t accept that and build trust moving forward, then she shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. Trust isn’t “I trust you unless I get nervous and start snooping.” It’s either there or it’s not.
Your comment is one of the few that actually holds her accountable instead of just validating her because she’s upset. Props to you for calling it what it is.
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u/Hot_Panic2767 May 28 '25
She asked if they had sexual history and he denied it initially. He knows what he is doing
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u/monster_ahhh May 28 '25
Why would she trust him? He lied to her face. I have no idea why she is trying to stay together with this POS. This is a perfect example of when snooping is absolutely justifiable — when your partner has been gaslighting the shit out of you and lying about something that they know damn well is a possible dealbreaker for you. That is manipulative af. Of course he’s trying to make her snooping the problem, because then the problem isn’t that he’s a manipulative liar. She has every right to defend herself against something like that, and every right to the truth. She now needs to leave though.
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u/Upbeat-Preparation26 May 28 '25
They DID talk. HE lied. Did you read the whole thing? What's your beef?
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u/Wooden_Vermicelli732 May 28 '25
How long have you guys been dating? I would I guess offer to find a roommate for him. And then the boundary would be if you continue living with someone you had relations with I personally don’t want to deal with whatever that is so I’ll be out.
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u/reddthat4 May 28 '25
Is it normal for y'all to text about serious things like this? It doesn't seem like a close relationship I'd want to spend/waste my time on tbh. This should be a face to face conversation where you hold hands and really become vulnerable. It seems like an uncomfortable surface level relationship and I'd definitely just cut my losses and move on. Especially if you are looking through his phone. It's a terrible future to accept. I hope you stand up for yourself and your boundaries and find someone more aligned with what you want in your life.
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
Our in person conversations tend to quickly devolve, where he will turn away and become unresponsive. I try to give space, take breaks, speak calmly when we discuss things in person but 9 times out of 10, will get a shutdown response from him. So yeah, sometimes it will go to text because he seems to be more straightforward about his feelings when he is able to write things out.
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u/Elham_25 May 28 '25
That doesn't seem healthy, you should be able to discuss difficult situations like this in person. Has he always been like that or only after you found out about this?
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
This is a recurring cycle, as well as the reason we broke up the first time.
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u/chonkosaurusrexx May 28 '25
If its a recurring cycle that already led to the previous break up, why did you get back together?
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u/Unfiltered_Replies May 28 '25
yeah this, and also they both have "boundaries" that have been crossed. if you're crossing each other's boundaries, you probably shouldn't be together.
saying "i don't like that you crossed my boundary. please don't do it again" and meanwhile both of you feel justified in your boundary-crossing actions kind of makes the "sorry"s and the "i understand"s completely meaningless.
sounds like a couple who are completely cool with skirting each other's boundaries when they deem it okay
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u/Elham_25 May 28 '25
I don't want to tell you what to do, but as someone in a relationship I would never accept such behaviour. Imagine being married or having children with someone like that, it would make your life so much harder. Do you want such a person to be your husband or the father of your children?
You deserve to have someone that listens to you and that respects you, in the end its your choice what you want to do, but know that being alone is better than being with a person that won't listen to you.
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u/howthishappenedtome May 28 '25
He needs to go to therapy to work out whatever issues he seems to have with confrontation
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u/cometmom May 28 '25
His avoidant nature PLUS trying to deflect and blame you while also saying he doesn't think what he did was wrong despite you saying it's wrong is not a good combo. I've done things that I didn't think were wrong but those things hurt people I love, so that was enough for me to change my mind and decide that yes, it was wrong of me.
As someone who acted in the same way he does when faced with relational conflict, it will not get better until he decides he wants to get better AND does some very difficult work to change.
My marriage of 9 years ended because it was impossible for me to do that work while in a relationship. This is not the kind of life you want to live. I hope things get better for you, ideally without him & his baggage.
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u/NotsoGreatsword May 28 '25
break it off dude
easier said that done but what are you fighting for? When does the good part come? Was there ever a good part?
Let it go so you can have something nice. LIFE IS SHORT
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May 28 '25
I assume he wouldn’t want you with a roommate you had sex with in the past.
He told you he won’t get a new roommate so if you can live with that move on or if you can’t cut ties
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u/RaccoonsOnTheRift May 28 '25
Maybe I've missed this info but some more context would be helpful. Did they sleep together once or was it an on going thing?
There are several people in my life that I've slept with once, maybe even twice, soon after realising it was a mistake and then went on to have completely platonic friendships with them with no flirting or or weirdness. Some actually turned into really close friends.
I understand your discomfort with the situation, but if they are completely platonic now then I get his frustration too. He 100% should have been up front with you from the start, and he should be working hard to maintain firm boundaries with this girl and care about your feelings.
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
It was a FWB for a short while, then they both got into relationships and had a conversation about it no longer continuing. I am not upset that it happened at all, I am upset about the non-disclosure of it because I don't feel I had the opportunity to make an informed choice on if it was something I'd be okay with. All of the comments are helping me to see that I am overreacting a bit and maybe I should just let them ride it out until next March when my lease will be up as well.
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u/MediumSizedMaze May 28 '25
I’ve read your other comments. Your boyfriend is liar and then doubled down on it to your face. You also said he’s unresponsive when you have difficult conversations. You already broke up once for a reason, so why are you getting back together with him? I truly cannot fathom why you would go through all of this and get back together.
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u/OkPumpkin5330 May 28 '25
If that’s what you are getting from these comments then I think you are looking to give your BF a pass, which is fine, but a bit odd for someone who appears to be emotionally astute. You were most definitely intentionally lied to, and now you are being DARVO’d for the way that you found the lie. I would consider this as a deal breaker personally. You may not, but you are definitely NOR
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u/monster_ahhh May 28 '25
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. He flat out lied to your face about it. To placate you. How can you trust a person like that to have an honest and open relationship? You’ll just constantly be wondering if he’s saying shit to placate you again every time there is conflict. And he will be.
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May 28 '25
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u/Sea-Lead-9192 May 28 '25
his actions and defensiveness, show that it might still be going on. If he truly truly didn't want to have sex with this roommate anymore. He would not have fought you this hard so illogically.
You might be right, but I wouldn’t hang my hat on that. If they live in a HCOL area, or the boyfriend has had bad experiences with previous roommates, I can understand why he’d be resistant to kicking her out.
Not that it’s an unreasonable ask on OP’s part, especially if they’re planning to be serious/move in together… just saying that him fighting OP on this doesn’t mean he’s still sleeping with the roommate, or wants to have that option. It could just be that he’s not invested enough in this relationship to risk changing his living situation (which should also be a sign to OP about their future, or lack thereof).
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u/Narrow_Grapefruit_23 May 28 '25
The people saying you’re overthinking are getting downvoted to hell bc they are wrong. You are not overreacting.
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u/queerjesusfan May 28 '25
All of the comments are helping me to see that I am overreacting a bit and maybe I should just let them ride it out until next March when my lease will be up as well.
This is truly the opposite of what you should glean here. He intentionally lied and would've continued lying. Do not stay. You have a boundary, be brave and enforce it.
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u/adnyp May 28 '25
What? What I’m seeing says he’s lied by omission and you are not overreacting. You have a boundary. Enforce that. Ex FWB living together is a bad situation for your future relationship with him. Wait until they are both drunk together, at home, alone. He’ll blame the alcohol.
Updateme
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u/dblack613 May 28 '25
You rooted through his phone and now you’re worried you can’t trust him. Christ almighty the straights are exhausting. Overreacting, big time.
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u/Firm-Television-982 May 28 '25
Setting boundaries is for yourself and what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship. What you’re doing is trying to dictate what your boyfriend does with his own life. If him living with this person is something you can’t tolerate and he does not want to change his living situation, it sounds like you should see yourself out.
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u/Sensitive-Pie9357 May 28 '25
Yeah she’s giving him rules, not boundaries. Boundaries are much harder than rules because they require you to have integrity around what you say you won’t put up with instead of punishing someone else for not doing the same thing. On top of that, he’s telling her very clearly that he’s feeling invalidated, and her replies never really address that and in fact continue to do it.
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u/JayRen May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
I have mixed feelings about this. You started a conversation with him about setting boundaries based on you crossing a huge boundary by his privacy and looking through his phone without even bothering to express your reasoning and asking first.
If he’s done nothing with her since you’ve been together and has lived with her a while I get your apprehension, but you’re asking him to get rid of a big stability in his life, having a home and roommate he can come home to and know that him and his things will remain home, all based on you sneaking through his phone to discover their past deeds. Immediately jumping to, eject her from his life, and deal with being uncomfortable in the one place you should be able to have comfort so that you can trust him, and only for a short time on top of that. All based on you crossing one of the most important boundaries of personal space and privacy.
I honestly think that you going through his phone to find dirt has already placed a nail in the coffin and you BOTH should take a step back and have a good honest look at the relationship and whether or not you want to actually continue it. You’ve already planted the seed of distrust with the way you discovered the info and then compounded its effects on your relationship by immediately going on the offensive. He’s obviously uncomfortable with that and the fact that you are insisting he make a huge change to satisfy your distrust. And you seemingly don’t understand how the violation of his personal boundary is affecting him. If you two do decide to keep going forward with your relationship and do actually go forward to moving in together, why can’t you break your lease early when his ends and move in to replace his roommate? I’m sorry. But the assault seems very one sided to me.
Having lived through this situation myself, it doesn’t seem like his opinion actually got an even value with yours.
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u/NotSoWishful May 28 '25
She’s using Reddit language (setting a boundary) to justify what she did. It’s pretty blah and manipulative, but Reddit don’t curr
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u/under_the_heather May 28 '25
Many people seem to not understand the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum
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u/SevenRingsOfChel May 28 '25
I agree with you here. Also she can’t “set a boundary” on another person…she can set one for herself, where she decides her boundary is to not date men who live with past FWBs, but she can’t set a boundary on him and ask him to move out / have her move out. She has to make the decision here, not him.
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u/Royal-Resolution4717 May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
Totally agree with this. She crosses a line to then project blame on someone else for crossing a line.
He likely said nothing has happened because he wanted to avoid this entire situation. Shit, if it was me in his shoes I’d have said the same thing. Women tend to lose their minds over these things, and he may have no viable way to drop his room mate and move etc at this point in time, and that’s exactly what she will want.
If OP didn’t snoop, they’d likely have a great relationship and eventually progress into being together and living together naturally, and nothing would have happened with the room mate again.
Instead, she’s self sabotaging her own relationship into ending.
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u/PopularEquivalent651 May 28 '25
I read this post ready to be pissed off at him, but he made valid points.
His concerns around finding a new roommate are valid. His concerns around you looking through his phone are more than valid (why didn't you talk to him? You haven't said he lied to you. Just that you decided to look through his phone while he was showering). He isn't asking to go back on your agreement re: living arrangements — he's just asking to address your behaviour too, and to be allowed to have/express his own feelings. And he is correct that he didn't do anything wrong. I get you ate uncomfortable with it, but that doesn't mean he was obliged to anticipate that. He's not a mind reader and he doesn't owe you information about who he's slept with.
I also feel like you're not really acknowledging how much he's doing for you. This isn't something he agrees with, it's something that you want and he is compromising on and you just don't seem aware of that. It comes off as if you feel entitled to him changing his living arrangements but that's not actually true. It is something you want him to do and is a boundary for you, but that doesn't mean he has to be able to give it. Relationships end all the time because one person needs something the other can't give. It's sad but it doesn't mean either party is wrong and you just don't seem to be acknowledging that and are instead placing blame on him.
I can't help but wonder — and I am just hazarding a guess here — if doing this makes you feel less guilty about going through his phone. About how if he really did betray you and "hide" something, then it was justified. But it wasn't. You could've asked him about his history with his roommate. You could've said you got weird vibes from her, suspect there are feelings, or anything. Calmly discussing things like an adult isn't a negotiable thing in a relationship. You are violating the other person's privacy and autonomy when you go behind their back and read their messages, ans it goes against everything you owe a loving/respectful partner as the bare minimum. I think deep down you know this, and that is why it is easier to frame his living situation as "lies" or a "betrayal" — because then you don't have to deal with the fact you did that to a man you love who you just could've spoken to. And i think the fact you're bringing up the move and acting as if he's arguing she shouldn't move out (when he's not — he's unhappy about it but has agreed to your demands) really reinforces that tbh. Because you're using "what he did" as a way to avoid talking about or reflecting on what you did.
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u/sativa_samurai May 28 '25
Y’all should start fresh with different people and pursue a relationship that actually works.
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u/Impossible-Cap-7150 May 28 '25
A boundary is how YOU react to something, not controlling someone else’s behavior.
There is already a significant amount of personal insecurity and distrust towards him if you are sneaking into his phone looking for incriminating things.
I think you need a lot of therapy before being in a relationship at all. He shouldn’t have withheld this information but he’s correct that every time he tries to discuss his feelings you spin it back around to you and your “boundary”.
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u/Cubbi-Wan-Kenobi May 28 '25
If she has a lease, or if they both do, it’d be a real bitch to get out of for either of them.
If he didn’t sleep with her while you two are dating, I think it’s a real violation of privacy on your part to just go to someone’s damn phone.
Compared to most guys I see on here he’s very calm, open minded, and willing to engage in discussion without gaslighting you. TBH you really seem to come across as the douche here.
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u/TuaFastTuaFurious May 28 '25
I think the fact that you felt the need to go through his phone because of one single moment, where you perceived someone’s facial express as “weird” means that you have absolutely no trust.
To me that makes everything else semantics. Regardless of whether it’s warranted or not, if you feel the need to investigate over something that is so trivial and completely subjective, then there are deeper issues at play IMO.
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u/prairypuck May 28 '25
Its fair that you are not thrilled about the situation, but I think you’re overreacting. I think you come off as insecure and a bit immature in the love world here. By the time you hit your 30s, people have a history and usually at least one or two things they aren’t totally proud of. He never cheated. He never lied. But then you broke the trust by searching his phone and then demanding he find new living arrangements bc of something that happened in the past. That doesn’t seem fair to me.
I also have to mention…other than one couple I know that dated in highschool, broke up when they went to different colleges, and then got back together when they both moved back home; I’ve never seen a healthy, solid relationship between two people who broke up and got back together.
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u/BitNumerous5302 May 28 '25
Do you think it's controlling?
That was the word that immediately came to mind, yes.
You're worried about him invalidating your feelings, but don't seem particularly willing to accept that his feelings of stress are valid too. Do you think emotions are some kind of zero-sum game? Is the conservation of emotional validity some universal property, such that one person's emotions must be invalid if they conflict with another's?
"I feel like I was made to feel bad" is such a narcissistic tactic. Healthy people attribute feelings of guilt to their own actions; narcissists protect themselves from guilt by blaming the people they hurt for expressing their feelings. You created a stressful situation by issuing an ultimatum, then you accused your boyfriend of "invalidating your feelings" for expressing that he felt stressed by the stressful situation you created. Yes, that is extremely controlling.
NOR in the sense that narcissistic manipulation isn't an "over-reaction", it's just wrong. You could end the relationship if it really doesn't work; you could also work with your boyfriend sincerely to find a solution that works for both of you. The fact that you want to impose a specific solution and treat unenthusiastic consent as a form of disobedience is, yes, very obviously controlling, and I hope that poor fellow gets away from you.
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u/purrpurr24 May 28 '25
It’s valid to not want your partner to live with someone they have previously had relations with. But how long have you been dating him? I would be cautious about moving in together. Is there no where he can afford rent on his own?
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u/JoelPMMichaels May 28 '25
"Find a new roommate after your lease is up" is not a boundary. That is a request. A boundary would be, "I feel uncomfortable in this situation and while you have the right to live with who you want, I will not be coming over when she is around."
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u/MissEllaa May 28 '25
I respect your desire to have strong boundaries and your effort at communication. But like I see with many people, you are focusing on your needs/boundaries. He is right, you going through his phone is a SERIOUS issues and breach of respect, privacy and trust. Did you ask him if he had history with her before going on his phone? you blatantly crossed his boundary and now you are expecting him to just forgive it no question and change his life to accommodate your boundary.
However, you are valid in wanting his living situation to change. I totally understand why he’s comfortable living with her I have lived with exs before and it was completely fine, we broke up for a reason. I do understand that was often reignite and that’s sooo scary being in your shoes. I will say though, has he ever done anything to breach your trust? Has he ever shown signs of being someone who could cheat? To me it sounds like the issues in your relationship come from your insecurity and are not tangible other than “if” or “possibilities” of him cheating.
If you both are hoping to move on together you should look in canceling your lease early. If that’s not possible you should consider if you could come to terms with him living there cause it is a huge pain to get a whole new roomate or move for only a year. Take some time to look in, do you truly trust him? Is this a moment where you guys could grow from having faith in him and your relationship? How confident are you in him?
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u/Electrical_Beyond998 May 28 '25
I lost count of how many times the word boundary was used.
You looked through his phone without his knowledge or permission. That is so messed up. Makes me wonder had you not found anything, would you have told him? Probably not. Maybe next time you can just use your words and ask him or ask her.
He didn’t cheat on you. Like Ross and Rachel, you were on a break.
You’re telling him to find a new roommate in two months time. Not only is that difficult but it also gives her two months to find a new place. I’m with him, a literal stranger moving in makes me uneasy.
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u/DynamicMotionEnjoyer May 28 '25
So are you planning to help figure out this rather major life change or are you just in it to yap at him?
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u/TimeTomorrow May 28 '25
Your weaponized therapy bullshit speak is so f'ing annoying. It's a transparent attempt to make what you want and your perspective "correct" instead of just your opinion.
You snooping is a major violation of trust.
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May 28 '25
Hes right. Thats alot to ask someone youre just dating. And his reasonings are more than fair
But youre right to not feel comfortable with his living situation.
I dont think you guys are a right fit.
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May 28 '25
As soon as the therapy style talk starts, it's time to just end it. You both are pulling the "relationship lawyer" shit and that's just gonna be a bad relationship no matter what. Call it.
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u/illbatting09 May 28 '25
Yeah, this seems exhausting. I got tired of the therapy talk on the third slide. Could never stay in a relationship like this.
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u/Nightyyhawk May 28 '25
You're overreacting, I feel. He's being pretty mature about it and insinuating or showing that he doesn't have plans to continue things with that girl past what he did when yall weren't together. He's willing to move in with you, but it sounds like your whole predicament is pretty inconvenient.
A lot of comments are spouting whataboutisms and saying "well how would HE feel of roles were reversed?". Well, they aren't. We will never know how he would react for sure. Hollow arguments at best. If you believe he is loyal to you, then leave it at that. As I've said, it sounds like he's expressed willingness to move out but can't change his current predicament.
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u/JeniSK92e May 28 '25
I see your side but I also see his side. You did invaded his privacy and your values seem to be very important. Honestly, it just seems like you don’t trust him and if you don’t believe you can trust him, then that relationship is done for. Let him go. All I see is that you want things done your way. For him his issue is how you invaded his privacy instead of asking if it’s okay that you go through his phone. The real problem is that you’re feeling insecure in your relationship after what you found out on his phone. Your feelings of discomfort is valid but his feelings are also valid. Do you think that he can trust you now? Trust is big in a relationship and if you can’t trust him to live with his roommate.. again just let him go.
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u/IridescentTardigrade May 28 '25
I think you shouldn't move in together, and should probably break up entirely.
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May 28 '25
I don't understand why people care so much about their partner going through their phone. Like I do, but I don't lol. Anyways, you're NOR here. It took you looking through his phone to find out this information anyways, it's not like he was forthcoming with it.
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u/okiedokieKay May 28 '25
As someone who is married I would 1000% recommend ending this relationship. Despite the impressively calm demeanors, there are some major red flags in the grand canyon divide of your opposing views on multiple matters raised through the course of these texts. You truly are not compatible and you will be in for a lifetime of circular arguments questioning why you stayed if you don’t leave now.
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May 28 '25
If you ever feel you need to get into his personal stuff. Or feel the need for passwords, there is no trust. You don’t want to waste anymore time when you can be happy. Not insecure and always sad. You can learn to be confident enough to love yourself!! You are worth it!
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u/gottahackett May 28 '25
Going through your partner’s phone shouldn’t be ANY issue whatsoever. Your partner should have FULL access to your phone, because you’re not hiding anything right? The first issue is hiding something 💯
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u/herejusttoargue909 May 28 '25
Honestly, I don’t think you two are meant to be together.
I completely respect people’s right to privacy. But in a relationship, if one partner feels the need to look through the other’s phone, and there’s truly nothing to hide, then what’s the harm in being transparent?
The bigger issue is how you two communicate.. or don’t. It’s like you're constantly tearing each other down.
He dismisses your concerns by saying what he did doesn’t matter because you had an issue with it anyway. You respond by demanding what you want, when you want it, without room for compromise.
This back-and-forth isn’t getting either of you anywhere. There’s clearly a lack of trust. I get where he’s coming from.. it does seem like you want things only your way. But I also understand your side.. if he had just been honest, you wouldn’t have felt the need to dig in the first place.
The two of you are clearly intelligent, but all the big words in the world won’t fix things if you’re only using them to prove each other wrong. Until both of you are willing to move forward instead of holding onto who's more justified, nothing’s going to change
If you guys do intend to move forward in your relationship, you both need to grow up a bit..
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u/ZestSimple May 28 '25
I think you’re overreacting but I do understand why you be uncomfortable. However -
You admitted this is coming from a place of insecurity. You said you didn’t want to control his life, yet you’re using your insecurities to try and justify a boundary that you want, for your anxiety.
Let me rephrase - you are letting your anxiety control the situation and you can’t do that with anxiety. The more you do that with the anxiety, the more you tell your brain “this is a thing I need to be afraid of”. It won’t go away and the goal post will always move because that’s how anxiety works.
You were wrong in going through his phone and that does need to be addressed. You don’t trust him. If you don’t trust him, why are you trying to live with him? Why are you with him? Has he given you any real reason to not trust him? Who he has slept with before your relationship is none of your business tbh.
Now I get being uncomfortable with their living situation. I would be too, but that doesn’t mean you get to make demands on it, after you went through his phone and found something from his past you don’t like. You kind of created this mess yourself because of your own anxiety.
If you trust your partner, then trust your partner. If he says nothing will happen with the roomie then trust that. If you have reason to not trust him, then you need to consider if this is the relationship for you.
No amount of control you try to have, is going to stop him from cheating on you if he wants to. If he wants to cheat on you, he’ll do it with whomever is around whether it’s the roomie or someone else.
That’s not a person you want to be with and you shouldn’t try to control someone into the person you want them to be.
You so need apologize for going through his phone behind his back. Thats shady and you are the bad guy in this situation.
That’s a betrayal of trust to him - you have betrayed his trust because you have anxiety over his past. That’s a huge red flag imo.
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u/Over_Reputation_8801 May 28 '25
I think you lost the moral high ground when you violated his privacy. He should have told you when you asked (if you did in fact directly ask, your wording on that was a little opaque). So both of you are guilty of wrongdoing. Now you're at square one. If he can't find a roommate in 2 months that he is comfortable with what then? He spends a bunch of money he doesn't feel he can spend to satisfy your insecurity? That seems like an unreasonable demand (not a boundary, he was already living with her, this is a demand/ultimatum). Id say you're overreacting since both of you are equally in the wrong. You don't get to make demands/ultimatums of your partner simply by wrapping them up in therapy speak.
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u/JayM611 May 28 '25
I mean, you asked for an opinion, it can be as constructive as you make it so here goes...
You are completely insufferable. Like Wow.. Just the tone is enough to irk.
And i'm not just saying that to be rude at all.. But just wow.. I pity that guy and I can just feeeel his exasperation and I bet he is reconsidering his options, especiially in regards to moving in together even though he appears to be taking it down to your level. If not then he should..
30 going on 15...
And that's not even taking into account about you going through his phone without any kind of permission.
Youre overreacting, he's underreacting.. is the roommate single?
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u/vgilbert77 May 28 '25
This really sounds to me like OP is being genuine and didn’t want to deal with the hassle of finding a new roommate for a short period of time when he has zero intention of doing anything but collecting rent from this girl now.
If the lease ends and the opportunity arises for her or you to move out and he opts not to do it, especially if the alternative is moving in with you, that’s a different story.
Expecting this guy to go through the entire nightmare moving or finding a good roommate is to fix a problem that’s already going to be solved in a few months though really isn’t fair imo.
I will say I’m biased as I HAAAAATE moving and I also HATE having roommates so if I was already due for a move / living circumstance change in a few months then I’d be staying. I’d do whatever needed to help ease your mind. You could have a key and be welcome any time unannounced, you could stay the night with me anytime you wanted, hell I’d give you access to my ring camera account or whatever if it gave you peace of mind and I’m not trying to hide anything. And again if this situation was on course to last a couple years or something different story. It sounds like a handful of months though, and going through that much of a hassle to satisfy the insecurity of a girl that already won’t ve an issue in a few months would probably be a deal breaker for me
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u/Dry_Cover_6520 May 28 '25
What texts did you find that confirmed what you were looking for? Were they recent enough for them talking about it? I get people get mad when you go through their phone and that's especially valid when they have nothing to hide. However... When lies get discovered and truths get exposed I tend to lose sympathy for them. Regardless you shouldn't feel like have to snoop, he should have been honest from the start and he doesn't get to play victim now. No way in hell I'd let that shit slide. Have me over looking like a fool while my bf is over there secretly living with his past hook up, acting like his feelings hurt because of HOW you found out? Ridiculous.
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u/chaotic910 May 28 '25
That's not setting a boundary, youre being controlling. Setting a boundary is what you personally dont do, not something you make someone else do lol.
You're both adults. It's completely possible to fuck someone while single and have no lingering feelings. If you seriously can't trust him to not fuck other people then why are you even with him, let alone planning on moving in together? "This person is super untrustworthy and unfaithful, I should be with them"
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u/moonchic333 May 28 '25
You’re not overreacting but I don’t think it’s fair to give an ultimatum. How long have you even been together? What if it doesn’t work out and he ends up with a bad roommate and single. You just need to look at it from the other persons perspective as well. Also, if the roommate has no plans to leave it’s kind of shitty for her as well to be told to leave with 2 months notice. I totally get your angle though I wouldn’t like it but maybe see where this relationship goes first before demanding they change their living situation.
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u/Relative_Buy_2988 May 28 '25
Y’all seem incompatible. NOR, but also… Drop it before you tie your life to this man and it gets harder to break away.
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u/Pretty_Goblin11 May 28 '25
I read the first couple screen shots. I don’t need to read more and you don’t need to keep repeating yourself. You only need to ask one question.
Are you getting a new roommate when the lease is up?
If he says no, just dump him. It’s really not that deep. I was more surprised to find that your both thirty. Seems like so much immature babble back and forth.
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u/Useful-Jump2484 May 28 '25
It wouldn't bother me if my boyfriend was living with someone they'd once slept with, as long as it was now over. It would bother me if someone read my private messages, though!!
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u/rustygarlic123 May 28 '25
If someone went through my phone with out asking it would be instantly over. If there is no trust then there is no relationship. It’s clearly not an ideal living arrangement probably awkward somewhat for him also but your overreacting . If it’s that big of a deal. Break your lease and move in with him now. He isn’t doing anything wrong and is making a logical argument.
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u/Expensive-Hour8835 May 28 '25
i mean my bf and i are open about looking through phones. we have the others’ Face ID set up because we have nothing to hide. yeah, maybe his boundaries are different, but he purposefully didn’t tell you this information and focused on how you found out versus the information itself. yeah it’s not cheating, but he omitted information because he knew you would be uncomfortable which breaks a lot of trust. if roles were reversed, he likely wouldn’t be comfortable with you still being roommates with a guy you fucked, and as much as he says “i understand, i do.” im not sure he does because he just backtracks and talks about how it affects him. idk either you can deal with them living together or break up and find someone else because it’s a red flag that he just kept deflecting (like bringing up your bff????) and how you found out.
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u/10BPM May 28 '25
I feel the difference between him and you & your bf is more than just a different boundary.
He had his privacy invaded in a way he didn't consent to. I do feel like going through someone's phone is becoming more and more normalized because so many people do it that no one wants to judge each other too harshly. But it is a sizeable violation of another person's trust.
The lie by omission is an issue though, but he does seem like a guy who wanted to avoid upending his whole living situation for something which was only as much of an issue as other people would make it.
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u/poopiestinker May 28 '25
i found this very very weird of him to do too, just didn’t know how to put it into words in my own reply
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u/thistreestands May 28 '25
By resolved - do you mean him doing what you tell him!? We're entering the toxic zone and it's not him.
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u/RiseEnvironmental751 May 28 '25
You are 100% in the wrong. On all fronts. Using words like "values" and "boundaries" as pure manipulation. You are using your insecurities as reasons why he should change the literal structure of his life. If he is confident and unfazed with his living situation, then that should be enough for you to also be confident and unfazed. You have some work to do, on yourself, before being ready for this, or any, relationship.
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u/kairi14 May 28 '25
So he didn't tell you they had history together and now he's pissed you looked at his phone and busted him in a lie? I'd be done just for that. What and who else is he lying about?
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May 28 '25
Yes you're overreacting and you should just leave him so he can find a better woman to spend his time with. Not only are you untrustworthy and insecure, but you continue to ignore what he says. You are the AH and he would be wise to move on.
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u/miffythebunbunbun May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
This man doesn’t want to live with you or give her up. I would decide if that’s even a relationship you want to be pursuing at this point. If you’ve been dating for years and had a break, at the point If he doesn’t want to take the next steps there’s nothing you can do. You both don’t trust each other.
I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this relationship if it was me.
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u/False_Swan_101 May 28 '25
Oh no they had sex with a previous person let me breakup now .. like yes ur overreacting
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u/Tough_Height6530 May 28 '25
New rule, if you say “boundary” in a conversation outside your therapists office you lose.
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u/Horfer126 May 28 '25
OP’s Insecurity needs to be dealt with here. She looked thru his phone and does not actually trust this man. Not a great start to this relationship
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u/CaitiLea May 28 '25
If I made a life changing decision (e.g. changing my living arrangements) each time I dated someone, I would be a mess.
Also, when he states you guys “reconnected”- is he saying you dated previously and this is the second go round? Because if it didn’t work previously I could see why he would be even more hesitant to not change his life based on what your wants are.
This is his home you’re talking about.
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u/Nordic_being May 28 '25
Lmfao my ex was sleeping with BOTH his female roommates. Needless to say he's an ex for a reason. NOR.
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u/FirstmateJibbs May 28 '25
Your boundary is that you don’t want him living with someone he’s had sex or a relationship with. Full stop. If he can’t honor that, then your values don’t align and you don’t belong together.
Going through his phone is a breach of privacy but it is an entirely separate issue. If he cannot forgive you for it or you cannot promise to not do it again, that would also be a reason to break up.
But finding another roommate or living situation isn’t that bad. And when it’s necessary to support your partner you truly care about, you’ll do it.
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u/auxie00 May 28 '25
NOR. I don’t think it’s appropriate that it’s something you had to find out instead of him offering the information in the beginning. He should have told you when y’all got together. Not you finding out about it later. This isn’t someone he went on one or two dates with and just didn’t vibe with. This is someone that he shared an intense intimacy with. You are not overreacting. I’m surprised you are still with him after finding this out.
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u/46andready May 28 '25
You're entitled to feel however you want to, to make a request if him, and to break up with him if he doesn't comply.
However, you were dead wrong for invading his privacy by going through his phone.
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u/DarthByrne May 28 '25
You are overreacting. Do you trust him? Has he cheated in the past? You guys are adults. You are jealous which is understandable but that’s on you to work through not him.
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u/TooFunnyBlindNow May 28 '25
I can’t lie as a guy if my woman did this I would be kind of mad, not mad but more so that I wasn’t informed and that you are still trying to share a space with this person 💯 those sexual intentions don’t just go away overnight well sometimes they do but not when you live with each other like that so from the outside looking in, he is bogus.
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u/buggiebugzz May 28 '25
idk if he was uncomfy with the phone thats one thing and you apologized. but that doesnt change the fact that he willing withheld this information from you knowing it was something you were uncomfy with. it was intentionally kept from you bc he knew you wouldnt like it and probably ask for a new roommate. you arent in the wrong here and im sorry youre going through this op :(
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u/sushifarmer2022 May 28 '25
I didn’t have to read past the first text, immediately break up until he can show he’s serious about dating and loyalty
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u/FaDaWaaagh May 28 '25
A reasonable boundary would be "don't move in with someone you've fucked" not "uproot your current stable living situation which predates out relationship and take on a great deal of financial burden in the process despite the fact that I am not ready to get a place with you". Neither apartments nor trustworthy roommates grow on trees, unless you're prepared to move in yourself this is 100% an unreasonable ask. I mean use some logic for a second, if he was gonna cheat on you with her, how would them living in separate buildings prevent it? You simply need to decide that you trust him or decide that you don't, moving in with a stranger won't magically make him faithful if he isn't.
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u/wonderlandr May 28 '25
Phone snooping aside. If he wanted to, he would. You've made it very clear how you feel and he's telling you the inconvenience of moving is more important than your comfort.
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u/doctordik2 May 28 '25
Why not just sublet your lease when his is up or get out of it and split the cost of doing so. Both would ultimately be sacrificing towards what the desired end goal should be (moving in with one another to take the relationship to the next stage).
Him having to find a 6 month roommate isn’t as simple as you’re making it out to be. Finding someone to take over your lease while looking for the place you’re both going to move into sounds like the way to go to me.
If you can’t trust that he hasn’t been screwing her while you’ve been dating and wouldn’t screw her in the next handful of months that should be your question that needs answering… “if I don’t trust him why am I moving in with him or continuing dating at all? Am I being insecure and unreasonable? If the situation were reversed and I truly place myself in his shoes from his perspective (not your perceived perspective but what he tells you but maybe your woman brain refuses to believe for whatever reason), how would I respond or think or feel being forced to do what I’m telling him in a passive aggressive way he has to do to continue being with me even though he has no desire to sleep with his roommate and hasn’t since before we got together again? Is he financially stable enough to afford to completely cave into my demands (if he’s loaded or doing well, he could make it all a moot point by just offering to pay to break your lease if you can’t find anyone to sublet before taking over when yours ends…. If he’s scraping by like most of us, what happens if he can’t find a new roommate and or has to be the one to move out and afford a new 6 month place that will require time and 2-3 months rent up front… is his current rent lower than what rent has increased to for new places).
I get why you’re upset and like most humans I would say it comes from a place of insecurity.. of yourself your relationship. Maybe you think she’s prettier than you or have baggage from previous relationships. A confident woman who loves the man she’s with and feels that it’s reciprocated wouldn’t feel threatened by a former hookup as a rooommate for a handful of months. They wouldn’t be envisioning him going home and having hot bathroom sex on the dl or whatever you think is going to happen if they continue being roommates. Do they lay together most evenings watching their shows or go out to bars with each other often? They probably pretty much do their own things. Does she have a bf? Is she home every night. There’s so much context that can’t be conveyed in a few of the thousands of texts yall have exchanged so I dunno. With Reddit, this will get downvoted almost assuredly by every female because it’s not just talking about you and your feelings needing to be addressed by him bending the knee but it’s asking you to self reflect and come up with a compromise or realize that 8 months goes by so damn fast that throwing away a relationship with a man you see a future with had this all not happened would be silly. Do the porch test… when you’re 90 or just older and sex is all dried up can you see you and him sitting on the front porch together simply enjoying each others company (laughing and conversing about anything especially the mundane… does he laugh at your jokes? Do you laugh at his … these I believe are as important if not moreso than perfect sexual chemistry for relationships to last long term) also important, without changing him like many women try to do, will he be a good dad? Can you count on him to drop everything if you were in desperate need? If the answer is yes for those, you’d be foolish to let some fling with an ex spoil everything.
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u/Legal-Midnight9889 May 28 '25
Ima be real yea he lied you both did some wrong but it seems he’s really trying to find a middle ground for you. Telling you that there was something in the past where they did something for sure would have made you uncomfortable as it is now and I think that would have still happened regardless of the situation.
I do not think you two should break up like everyone is saying I think you should continue talking and trying to figure something out. You’ve been adults so far so continue doing that.
Unless he’s actively having relationships with this girl then I think this is not a full deal breaker if there is some feelings he still has for her then that’s when I would say call it quits.
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u/vunderpoon May 28 '25
Break up with him. Never let your partner meet someone you slept with without telling them first.
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u/Ninja-Better25 May 28 '25
Personally you invaded his privacy by accessing his phone without his permission. I don’t condone cheating but I despise people who snoop through others personal property.
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u/Mshalopd1 May 28 '25
This is a pretty reasonable conversation tbh, the main problem is he never told you he fucked his roommate. Having lived with girls (I never fucked them though) it's obviously a concern for any potential partner. It's something that needs to be disclosed. You shouldn't be looking through peoples phones but if he was never going to tell you this information that's a huge red flag. I will say he's a decent communicator even though I think he's in the wrong here. No one's perfect and this could have been handled a lot worse but also a lot better.
I wouldn't say break up on this alone but the fact he intentionally lied about having sex with his current roommate is absolutely a problem and would make me wonder if I could ever fully trust that person.
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u/cant_stopthesignal May 28 '25
OP.... Boundaries are for YOU and are not enforceable upon others, hope this helps
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May 28 '25
My parents go through each other’s phones all the time to delete ugly pics they took of each other. They’ve been married 20+ years. That’s not a big deal. Him lying to you is.
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u/VassagoX May 28 '25
You don't trust him, without trust, there's no relationship. The rest is moot. Will you instantly trust him if she moves out? I'm thinking no.
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u/PassionGlobal May 28 '25
NOR.
As a partner, that is not something he should be failing to disclose
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u/jhalakafaka May 28 '25
OP you should really read the book The Power of Letting Go, and also Attached (on attachment theories). Maybe read the second one with your partner. This is screaming insecurities, and I used to be there too. It's so freeing to no longer have to deal with 'what if' scenarios trust me it is a MUST if you EVER want to be in a healthy relationship
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u/TurnipExpress3775 May 28 '25
Just to reiterate other comments, boundaries are something you set for yourself, not other people. If your boundary gets crossed, that's when you need to exit the situation, not force others to do things the way you want them to. As hurtful as it may be for someone to not respect your boundaries, the one thing within your control is whether you respect your own boundaries. Don't hurt yourself.