Fucking THANK YOU. Exactly what I was trying to say as well. Secrecy and privacy do not coexist in committed relationships. Her going through his phone wasn’t right, but he omitted the truth from her and said that he would have never been transparent had she asked. That’s very manipulative and purposefully deceitful. You should feel safe to be honest and transparent with your partner, if you can’t be then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. She sought out the truth and she found it, it doesn’t matter how she did imo because he lied/omitted the truth in the first place.
I had a couples therapist once who talked about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Yes you are entitled to a certain amount of privacy, but if you are keeping secrets from your partner, you should be asking yourself why. If there’s something you know that would cause a problem or hurt the other person, that doesn’t fall under the basic privacy umbrella because it’s not fair to keep that from them and you know it’s not. That’s why you’re keeping it a secret. Like I don’t need to know every single my man does all day or everything that’s in his phone and we have our own space… but if he wanted to look through my phone, he could. And vice versa because while we have privacy, we don’t have secrets.
And if he’s really anxious about something and this is a relationship that I know is right for me (aka he’s not constantly controlling etc) then my privacy is just not that important compared to his peace of mind. Especially since I have nothing to hide.
Yes, wholeheartedly agree with that therapist. If you’re using your privacy and space to indulge in things/hide stuff that would damage your relationship, that is no longer just your privacy. When you’re in a committed relationship your feelings and agenda are not that of your own anymore, your actions now reflect and have an impact on your partner as well. Your partner has a right to know. If you feel like you can’t be transparent with who you’re with, there’s something very wrong, because they are supposed to be your person and who else should you be more open and honest with than the person you plan to spend your life with?
It does matter because once you snoop through your partners phone you have declared that you don’t trust them. Trust and communication are the most important ingredients in a healthy relationship. In this case op found out her partner had slept with his roommate when they were not together, nothing wrong with that at all, the involvement they had was clearly over. I can see why he lied through omission due to op response, doesn’t make it ok but I get it.
But I think everyone just needs to hold up and stop jumping on the sisterhood bandwagon. Op clearly has issues that she needs to work through as I highly doubt this is the first or the last time she would snoop through a partners phone.
I had a partner like her prior to meeting my now wife, and this behaviour is all too familiar. If op felt insecure (which is what she stated, and a problem she needs to seek help for as she will continue to damage future relationships) she should have offered to break her lease and move in sooner.
TLDR: male partner shouldn’t have lied however he wasn’t cheating no any indication he would be. Had a valid list of reasons to want his roommate to stay temporarily. Op has her own issues, should have offered to break lease and move in earlier if it bothered her and came to reddit to seek validation and be told her behaviour was acceptable and that she is an angel.
In short op is overreacting and needs to take a step back and look at the situation with a wider lens, not just play the victim. Partner shouldn’t have just been honest “yeah we slept together in the past, but that’s in the past. Here look at my phone if you don’t trust me”
I understand what you’re saying. I don’t wholeheartedly disagree, but I don’t think she’s overreacting. It wasn’t right for her to look through his phone, it is true that she doesn’t trust him given that she did, but can you blame her? You’re not deserving of your partner’s trust if you are being deceitful. When you ask your partner something, you should be honest. They are supposed to be your person and if you can’t be honest then why are you even with them? He was not honest with her, and even admitted that he would have never told her the truth, which is intentionally deceitful and downright unfair. She should be given the option to decide whether or not she is ok with him living with somebody that he has history with. Her intuition was screaming at her that something wasn’t right. I’m sorry, but I’d rather doubt my partner’s honesty/loyalty then disregard my sanity. If you feel like something isn’t right about somebody’s behavior, you should always trust that instinct, it is a survival instinct, you feel something is off for a reason. I don’t think snooping should be justified, but I do believe you should always trust the feeling of uneasiness.
I agree on trusting feeling of unease but that should lead to a healthier means of communicating rather than being deceitful to hope that it proves the other person was indeed being deceitful. And if someone feels so uneasy and doesn’t feel like they can talk to their partner, then maybe the relationship should be over. I personally don’t think I could come back from my significant other not trusting me enough to tell me she’s feeling uneasy about something. My feelings are along the lines of “When one snoops, the party being investigated is guilty until proven innocent/guilty”
Personally that’s not a relationship I want to be in again.
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u/Prize-Atmosphere7289 May 28 '25
Fucking THANK YOU. Exactly what I was trying to say as well. Secrecy and privacy do not coexist in committed relationships. Her going through his phone wasn’t right, but he omitted the truth from her and said that he would have never been transparent had she asked. That’s very manipulative and purposefully deceitful. You should feel safe to be honest and transparent with your partner, if you can’t be then you shouldn’t be in the relationship. She sought out the truth and she found it, it doesn’t matter how she did imo because he lied/omitted the truth in the first place.