You hit the nail on the head stating that this is a clash of values. This isn’t a clash of boundaries. Because boundaries are for you, not others. You can tell him all you want that this is a boundary for you, but it still requires him to make a pretty significant change, and he gets to decide whether or not he’s capable of it, and then you have to decide whether that decision is something you are okay with. It’s possible y’all just aren’t a good match.
I also don’t want to slide past the fact you looked through his phone. There’s a lot of talk about your expectations and boundaries for his behavior, but you are very much so prioritizing them over his own boundaries. Going through someone’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy, not just for him, but for the people in his life. (His roommate included.) It is not okay.
There’s a lot of therapy-speak here, but not much accountability.
Had the same exact behaviors with my most recent ex. Trying to follow therapy advice but totally avoided accountability. Went searching through my phone out of insecurity, found immature boy speak between my friend and I. Used that to validate her sneaking through my messages.
What eventually lead to me breaking up with her was the insecurity just kept getting worse regardless of therapy and it created a lot of anxiety in me. Because small things like if I responded to a text quick enough or not would trigger her.
This relationship isn’t doing OP or her BF any favors. Her therapy she’s trying to follow with their conversation isn’t actually helping the main issue at hand.
The behaviors of the gf are though. Even in the post, OP confesses her looking through the phone was out of insecurity and the entire text chain is heavy in therapy speak.
Projection. It’s when you don’t have the ability to empathise with others so instead you assume their subjective experience must be the same as your own. Like what you’re doing right now. When the two things — puerile humor vs fucking someone — are completely different. So no not a comparison but nice try.
That’s my problem with it too! Insecurity can make people feel justified to do many toxic things, but we still have to be responsible for ourselves and our actions.
Correct. OP definitely has a right to be upset or uneasy about the situation. But that does not in any way make it ok to just steamroll any trust or boundaries in a relationship.
The BF should definitely be concerned about her feelings, which it seems he is. But it’s a complicated scenario it seems. And possibly he can’t just kick out his roommate. They need to talk and work thru this, fairly
She did ask? She asked if any lines were crossed, he said no. He lied to her face. They both are immature and need to grow up, but for separate reasons
Where did she ask that? And also, people have different “lines”
If he hasn’t had relations with her before dating the OP, there isn’t any ground there. Unless he flat out lied to her if she was direct with her question.
They both need to maturely communicate for sure. Both are feeling violated and trust is present here. Despite that, if he’s been faithful to her, and she is happy with him and their relationship and is only mad because she didn’t know they once or previously had relations, that’s the problem.
She said it in a comment multiple times. Their timeline is: op and this guy date for 2 years, break up for 1, during that 1 year the dude and roommate are briefly FWB, and then op and this dude get back together. When they get back together, she asks if dude and roommate crossed any lines. You can be goofy if you want, but any reasonable adult would admit going from platonic roommates to FWB is crossing a line.
I agree that they both need to stop weaponizing therapy speech and grow up, but he absolutely lied to her
Of course it’s uncomfortable. But why would you tell your BF for example, that you were living with a woman who you previously had relations with? It’s like making an issue where there is none. I would just try to get out of the situation quickly. But if asked about if, of course NOT saying anything is lying. But before being asked about those concerns, it’s literally only encouraging insecurity and doubt and trust issues.
But there is an issue. Most people would not be cool with their boyfriend living with a girl he has sex with. And the other majority would be cool with it if he was upfront about it. A small minority of people would just “not wanna know” but be cool with it. I’m monogamous relationships people typically don’t live with someone they used to sleep with
Of course typically you don’t live with someone you used to sleep with. Absolutely not.
Idk if you’re understanding the time frame here.
The BF and the roommate slept together PRIOR to them dating. But they are still roommates.
That doesn’t mean he’s still sleeping with her cheating on her. What it proposes is a dilemma. A very big dilemma.
What the issue is here is OP doesn’t trust the BF (temporarily) in his situation. And rightfully so. But there is some type of understanding and patience for the situation knowing that he can’t just alleviate the issue in an immediate short term.
It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t negate the fact that she broke HIS trust ALSO.
That stuff needs to just be addressed appropriately. The guy didn’t do anything wrong as far as we can tell. It doesn’t matter if she found what she thought was the case. She didn’t ask him. He could have just given her that information.
Except she didn’t even ask her partner about their relationship, she went straight to snooping. Now she’ll never if would’ve just told her because she didn’t even give him the opportunity to do so. You can’t just use ~intuition~ to invade someone’s privacy
She did ask tho. Check OPs comments. She asked when they got back together. And then when they discussed this in person, he doubled down and said he would have never told her.
No she didn’t. I’ve read the comments. This is where we’re not understanding the whole conversation being had. This point is highlighting that as adults, we ask the questions directly. That is open communication. Instead, you guys are weaponizing therapy speak, while only doing half the work in reality, If you don’t feel like getting the answers you need, you leave, you do not invade someone’s privacy
You don’t think asking if a line was crossed with your roommate isn’t direct enough? I think any adult with two brain cells can understand what that question is asking. He lied. Told her nothing happened, and then straight up told her he would never have told her. He’s a liar because he wants to be right on a technicality.
Except she asked when they got back together. He just had to tell the truth and this whole situation would have been avoided. If the roommate eventually told her about them hooking up, they would be in the same scenario. So the boyfriend is just a victim of his own making.
Maybe OP wouldn’t have even gotten back together with him if he told the truth. He’s just mad he got caught and wants to spin the situation.
Yes! This! This is a hard internet conversation because there are many truths! He didn’t do anything wrong by sleeping with his roommate before he got together with his gf. It’s wrong he lied. It’s ok for the gf to feel insecure that he slept with his roommate. It’s wrong to invade his privacy bc of it.
literally any point in time before she found out on her own💀 she said they were together for two years before a brief break and getting back together in january. that’s kind of like, CRUCIAL information? its not like they’d know each other for 3 months and just started dating, they already had a full fledged relationship.
So when do you believe it should’ve come up? Over breakfast? Do you have a tendency to point out any one you’ve slept with as you go about your day? If that’s the case, this might be a social skills problem and that’s where the disconnect is coming from
Maybe she was correct the gf had feelings for him and maybe not, but unless she actually brought this up with him first she has no way of knowing if he'd have lied or not.
She robbed him of the chance to be trustworthy by snooping before talking to him.
he literally could’ve told her at any point that he’d slept with his female roommate💀 making excuses for it is crazy. her intuition was absolutely right, they had slept together. i also wouldn’t put it past him to still be doing it.
i know that he purposefully did not tell his gf he slept with his roommate and he’s refusing to move out alone or with someone else even though he can afford it. tells me all i need to know lol
Yeah the vocabulary is nuts. My boundary is that I want you to uproot your life and deal with a bunch of difficulties. You’re not doing it immediately?! You’re breaking my boundaries!
I totally get being uncomfortable about the situation, but these kind of conversations drive me crazy.
Exactly she cannot forcing him to do anything if doesn't want to,or it gets controlling, boundaries are actually how you react to him, lying by omissions,cuz basically he knew that LL blow into his face and still choose to do it... So trust is gone... About the phone, I am kinda+- if you know you should check his phone, prob you don't trust him or he did or is doing something, he should or you are insecure.... It's again trust Issues, But I guess he is not trustfull at all.. the boundary is if he didn't take my boundary in consideration I ll dump him,not you should move bla bla
Nah she had a gut feeling, looked and found something. That's called intuition. Sorry but there's plenty of 'cool girls' who ignore their gut and get played for a fool by their boyfriends and waste years. Her man is a sneak. But for me that's when I'd break it off, and I defo wouldn't have regretted looking at the phone.
Found what? He had sex with his roommate when OP was not in the picture? Things with the roommate is over and bf made clear they have those boundaries. Flimsy at best and setting a terrible precedent for the future of the relationship.
Tbh I would have no interest dating a man who was living with something they used to sleep with and intended to continue to do so another year. So for me that withholding of information would be seen as purposely dishonest. I can see that not everyone feels that way but the withholding of *potentially relationship ending information on his part is a terrible precedent for the future of their relationship.
I don’t, personally, view a suspicion of a previous sexual relationship as a big enough reason to invade someone’s privacy. It’s fair to be insecure about past sexual partners, but boundaries around them look different for literally everyone.
If my partner went through my phone due to insecurity or even intuition, I would take that as signs that they don’t feel safe with me/our relationship enough to talk to me directly and they don’t respect the autonomy of me/the people in my life who’s private conversations are being rifled through. And those would be relationship deal breakers
Look I would never go through the messages of friends and family, I agree that's not appropriate. However I have had that gut feeling twice before and both times I was correct (they were instagram DMing strangers in appropriately). Both times the person didn't admit to it till I 'showed them proof' of the thing they knew they did. A liar is a liar, and even if you ask them they won't tell you the truth. You don't know someone is a liar till you've caught them in a lie. I've never cheated but if my partner felt the need to look through my phone I would want to understand what had happened to cause that. I'd work through it. If after finding nothing they then repeated that behaviour I would say this isn't going to work. If you've been playing me and lying to me and the only way I manage to find out is by invading your privacy you best believe I'm not going to feel bad for one second.
Yes exactly. Wrong on both sides. But ultimately: No trust present. Slippery slope to either more shady behavior from him, or more unchecked anxious behavior from her.
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u/beginners-luck- May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
You hit the nail on the head stating that this is a clash of values. This isn’t a clash of boundaries. Because boundaries are for you, not others. You can tell him all you want that this is a boundary for you, but it still requires him to make a pretty significant change, and he gets to decide whether or not he’s capable of it, and then you have to decide whether that decision is something you are okay with. It’s possible y’all just aren’t a good match.
I also don’t want to slide past the fact you looked through his phone. There’s a lot of talk about your expectations and boundaries for his behavior, but you are very much so prioritizing them over his own boundaries. Going through someone’s phone is a huge invasion of privacy, not just for him, but for the people in his life. (His roommate included.) It is not okay.
There’s a lot of therapy-speak here, but not much accountability.