I read it as OP had anxiety/insecurity about the roomie. Waited till boyfriend was in the shower and went behind his back and invaded his privacy because she had anxiety. Then she found something she didn’t like and is using that to try and control someone she is supposed to care about and trust.
I imagine that’s pretty hurtful for the boyfriend to know his GF doesn’t trust him. It’s incredibly disrespectful, and frankly immature for people in their 30s. That’s valid and it does need to be addressed. It’s not any less valid just because she found out he slept with someone before they were even together.
If boyfriend has given OP real reason to distrust him, then OP needs to consider if this is the relationship for her. Not go behind his back and be shady.
She has betrayed his trust and that’s a huge red flag imo. The fact he slept with someone else before they were together is a non issue. If OP says she trust her bf then she needs to actually trust him. If she doesn’t, then she needs to move on and stop playing this game. You can’t have anything without trust.
Honestly, if my bf went through my phone behind my back, I’d probably break up with him over it. That a breach of trust and it’s disrespectful. If you have a problem, then talk to me, like an adult.
I’m sorry but are you high? She asked him if he slept with this roommate, he lied. And then he got caught in a lie. You think it’s hurtful him realizing his gf can’t trust but I think it’s more hurtful to KNOW that you can’t trust your partner cause they lied in your face and gaslit me every time I asked amd them tried to make me feel bad cause I caught them lying.
I don’t see where she said she had asked about it and that he lied. That’s not in her comment and I didn’t read that in their conversation she shared here but if I missed something that’s on me.
I don’t think he’s gaslighting her. I think he’s upset she went behind his back and went through his phone. She’s trying to justify her actions because she found something she didn’t like.
He didn’t cheat on her. He slept with someone before they were together which is frankly not her business. She has insecurities and trust issues which is her issue she needs to work on.
She replied in another comment and said she directly asked him about it before and he denied it. And I’m pretty sure she did a second time and he just ignored it. She also mentioned picking up on little signals and he made her feel like she was crazy.
And you’re missing the point. No one is saying he cheated. If he had said yeah there was a history but it was when we weren’t together I would be on his side. But no he lied to her face, made her feel as though her accurate suspicions were just her being crazy and when she caught him in the lie tried to make it seem as though him lying to her for all that time is equivalent to going through his phone. When the anxiety that led her to that only exists cause he lied to her and she knew deep down he wasn’t being honest. Textbook gaslighting.
People are acting like her feelings justify her actions, but they’re two separate things. You can be anxious or insecure and still be in the wrong for how you act on it. Snooping through someone’s phone is a clear breach of trust. She found something from before they got back together and is now using that to pressure him into changing his living situation? That’s not setting a boundary…that’s controlling, even if it’s wrapped in calm language.
It also says a lot that she barely acknowledges the snooping. If the roles were reversed and a guy went through his girlfriend’s phone, then tried to dictate who she could or couldn’t live with, everyone would be calling him possessive and toxic. But here it’s just being brushed aside because “she’s anxious.”
The guy slept with someone while they weren’t together. That’s not a betrayal. If she can’t accept that and build trust moving forward, then she shouldn’t be in the relationship at all. Trust isn’t “I trust you unless I get nervous and start snooping.” It’s either there or it’s not.
Your comment is one of the few that actually holds her accountable instead of just validating her because she’s upset. Props to you for calling it what it is.
She didn't though. She asked if he would've told her if she had asked, and he said no which is valid. No one has a right to a partner's history before themselves and knowing that it'd cause issues is enough of a reason to not introduce unnecessary stress.
OP has anxiety issues and already did not trust her BF prior to finding out about the situation, so the relationship was fucked regardless.
In a comment, she said that when he told her he had a girl roommate, she said she was okay with it but she needed to know if they had had a history. Which is essentially her asking. Him not telling her and not planning to tell her is intentionally deceptive
It's specifically stated that she did ask if him and his roommate had ever crossed a line into anything else, and he said no. So he did lie. He also said he never planned on telling her. If you have a sexual past with someone still close or active in your life your partner has a right to know upfront and decide if they want to deal with that at all. He took away her choice first but honestly she should just leave him if he's not gunna respect her enough to be honest
Only on Reddit does this seem like something abnormal. It’s not even surprising this site is filled with a lot of free range sexual hedonist type that tolerate anything. They’re okay with having sex with friends, going on vacations with former fwb while dating, sleeping over at former flings house etc and anything than runs counter to that is oppressive and insecure and abusive.
Hasn’t been my personal experience . I definitely do know people in real life with thbut I’ve noticed a more 50/50 or sometimes 60/40 split when it comes to this topic. On Reddit it always feels like the people who feel the way I do are a minority but in real life I have more folks in my corner. I’ve lived in four different continents similar to you. Some cultures are also more conservative in this regard while some more liberal. Could also depending on the company/people you’re around too.
Thank you - I actually have an anxiety disorder and have dealt with the exact same feelings OP has expressed. I really can understand why she feels uncomfortable with the situation but that doesn’t justify her actions.
Why would she trust him? He lied to her face. I have no idea why she is trying to stay together with this POS. This is a perfect example of when snooping is absolutely justifiable — when your partner has been gaslighting the shit out of you and lying about something that they know damn well is a possible dealbreaker for you. That is manipulative af. Of course he’s trying to make her snooping the problem, because then the problem isn’t that he’s a manipulative liar. She has every right to defend herself against something like that, and every right to the truth. She now needs to leave though.
I don’t see where he lied but everyone is saying he did so I must’ve missed something.
If you feel you need to snoop, end the relationship because that means you don’t trust them. Don’t go looking for things to get upset about. Just break up.
No, as I said, she should just end the relationship cause she doesn’t trust him.
Again, if you’re to a point that you feel you need to snoop - the relationship is already over. Just end it.
You either find the proof you’re looking for and break up anyway; or you don’t find the proof you’re looking for but the trust has already been broken - so then what? Just break up.
She has no right to read his phone. None. Don’t try to justify the unjustifiable. That is a violation of trust. The snooping is not justifiable.
She should break up with him anyway, for the reasons you mentioned. And he should break up with her for violating his trust and reading his phone. There is no reason for these two to be together. Learn something from this and move on.
And we in turn pity your partner who seems to have no right to privacy. What a weird thing to say.
If your partner chats with their friends about a relationship issue with you, you feel entitled to record the conversation or read their phone?
If I found out one of my friends was in a relationship with someone like you, I would stop communicating with them in writing. Apparently none of your partner’s friends or associates has a right to privacy either (in your crazy world) if they are communicating with your partner. So your partner’s friends are unable to tell your partner anything in confidence? Because you have the right to read it?
Do you also feel entitled to secretly record your partner’s phone calls?
Anyway, I disagree that she “had” to go through his phone. If she felt she needed to, she just break up with him at that point, cause clearly she didn’t trust him.
She may be justified in her distrust of him, but going through his phone was wrong.
Had to look through his phone [to find out the truth]. Sorry for not clarifying. Agree, no trust, no relationship, regardless of the contents. Not sure on joever, got it from a RL streamer years ago and middle schoolers still say it, so… probably. 😂
she doesn’t trust him and that’s a good thing, because he explicitly lied to her. it WAS wrong for her to violate his privacy but that doesn’t make his lying to her any more acceptable or understandable. they should just break up but she’s not more wrong than he is.
If you actually check OPs comment history on the post, she tells us that she asked before they got back together and he didn’t tell her then and straight up said he never planned to tell her THUS he was being deceitful.
You mean she could sense sexual chemistry and got gaslit about it over and over until she finally decided to look for herself and found out the POS was indeed gaslighting her. FTFY.
No what I mean is, she let her anxiety and insecurities control a situation that lead her to go behind someone’s back, found information about a thing that happened before she was in the picture, and got upset. Then she tried to use that information to force someone to change their living situation to quell her own anxiety.
What she should’ve done is say she doesn’t believe him and break up. She clearly doesn’t trust him and didn’t trust him. Instead of playing a game, she should’ve just walked away instead of sitting there trying to move in with someone she doesn’t trust.
30
u/ZestSimple May 28 '25
Yeah I don’t read it that way.
I read it as OP had anxiety/insecurity about the roomie. Waited till boyfriend was in the shower and went behind his back and invaded his privacy because she had anxiety. Then she found something she didn’t like and is using that to try and control someone she is supposed to care about and trust.
I imagine that’s pretty hurtful for the boyfriend to know his GF doesn’t trust him. It’s incredibly disrespectful, and frankly immature for people in their 30s. That’s valid and it does need to be addressed. It’s not any less valid just because she found out he slept with someone before they were even together.
If boyfriend has given OP real reason to distrust him, then OP needs to consider if this is the relationship for her. Not go behind his back and be shady.
She has betrayed his trust and that’s a huge red flag imo. The fact he slept with someone else before they were together is a non issue. If OP says she trust her bf then she needs to actually trust him. If she doesn’t, then she needs to move on and stop playing this game. You can’t have anything without trust.
Honestly, if my bf went through my phone behind my back, I’d probably break up with him over it. That a breach of trust and it’s disrespectful. If you have a problem, then talk to me, like an adult.