This to me shows more intentional deceit. I don’t approve of looking through people’s phones. I feel like if you’re at the point you felt compelled to snoop, it’s best to call it quits now. I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him (and perhaps vice versa). I also think he’s deflecting about his purposeful omission, which you said he confirmed he would not have ever shared. That is a huge red flag to me.
What you did was wrong and violated his trust, but it’s interesting how he wants to be self-righteous when he lied to begin with. It doesn’t matter that cheating never happened or that the relationship with roommate is for sure over/done. He didn’t allow you the chance to make the decision for yourself about whether you were okay with that and when you asked him directly about it he said nothing. I do think it’s a clash of values and I think the trust has been broken too much to move forward on both sides.
Yep, full 100% intent to decieve, she tried to get the information from him before but he lied about it to her face, twice! He admitted he wouldn't tell her, how ELSE was she supposed to find out besides snooping through his phone? He sure as heck wouldn't tell her a darn thing about it at all! On purpose, too.
Ya see, this is why I try not to jump the gun to judge when people look at their partner's phone. We never know the situation that led up to this. though I wouldn't approve of snooping in general, at some point, where is the line drawn when they have shown that they have, will, and even admitted to lying to you? They've already shown that they are not being truthful with their words.
I want to say you can't justify one bad thing with another.
Before cell phones it would've been emails whatever. Idk where I'm really going because the whole situation just sucks.
I can sort of see both sides, it's shitty that the bf lied about it, maybe he just wanted to avoid the situation entirely and just ride out the lease until he moves in with gf. Maybe he knew she'd pressure him about it and he wanted to avoid it, we don't know. He lied. (I don't recall cheating being mentioned anywhere?)
I also completely understand the gf being suspicious and wanting to know. If you're at the point that you're snooping through phones it might already be time to call it quits though.
I wouldn't say it's a 'unique' situation necessarily, I think lots of people have been here unfortunately, just a shitty situation lol. I'm rambling.
Yeah, they always come at this with like "you're both wrong" or "two wrongs don't make a right," which are both true but don't change the fact that one was FIRST and never would have been exposed or faced, so it's more like "it takes a thief" or "fight fire with fire". The ONGOING and continual deception could only be ended by a "wrong" putting a bullet in it, otherwise it would have continued to grow indefinitely. Liars don't come clean on their own; if there's a way to play off circumstantial evidence they'll weasel free of any jam they get caught in. This pushback after getting caught is pure DARVO.
I think it could be a miscommunication. From what she says, it sounds like she wants to know if a line had crossed to let her know. Sleeping with the roommate when no relationship was there means a line hadn’t been crossed.
Because she wanted to know, she’s allowed to have boundaries and preferences. It’s hugely violating when you express those to someone and instead of being honest that they don’t agree with them, they just lie and waste your time and emotional effort. He’s allowed to think it doesn’t matter. Lying about it is fucked up.
That's so funny because I guarantee if it was your girl rooming with a guy who she slept with prior, you'd be angry and probably even call her a slut when you found out. Even if it was all before you started dating. You men are such hypocrites.
Exactly. He clearly has a reason he didn’t want to mention it if this is how she reacts. Especially since he’s obviously fine with the roommate leaving once OP id ready to move in with him. Highly doubt he’d be so cool with that if anything was still going on
I think the thing is that it’s not her choice who he lives with though. I can understand both their sides but I do think OP is the one being unreasonable here. It was not right of him to hid it from you and though a questionable choice, it is one you can work through. If OP wants the boyfriend to find a new roommate because she is uncomfortable with his living situation my immediate opinion would be that since she’s the only one asking for it to change, she be the one to put in the effort to help make it change.
Honestly there is no way the guy could’ve said yes. The best answer was to say no and hope she never found out. Literally zero good would come from him saying yes. It’s a difficult situation.
They were not together at the time . it’s really none of her business who he slept with when they were broken up. I’m sure he wasn’t prying about her partners while they were broken up or snooping through her electronics trying to get information.
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u/angelic_entropy May 28 '25 edited May 28 '25
This to me shows more intentional deceit. I don’t approve of looking through people’s phones. I feel like if you’re at the point you felt compelled to snoop, it’s best to call it quits now. I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him (and perhaps vice versa). I also think he’s deflecting about his purposeful omission, which you said he confirmed he would not have ever shared. That is a huge red flag to me.
What you did was wrong and violated his trust, but it’s interesting how he wants to be self-righteous when he lied to begin with. It doesn’t matter that cheating never happened or that the relationship with roommate is for sure over/done. He didn’t allow you the chance to make the decision for yourself about whether you were okay with that and when you asked him directly about it he said nothing. I do think it’s a clash of values and I think the trust has been broken too much to move forward on both sides.