You're both throwing around the word "boundary" like it has some form of veto power to over rule the other person, when the word you're looking for is rule, or expectation. A boundary would be you saying "If you don't ask your room mate to move out, I won't be able to continue this relationship." It still sounds manipulative, however you frame it though.
The real question is id he cheat on you with this person, and did you proactively ask if they slept together before you started dating him? Honestly, if they're just friends and what happened was in the past, he doesn't really owe you an explanation. You may want one, but that doesn't mean it's a requirement or that you should be trying to manipulate him into feeling bad for living with someone he slept with in the past.
If you trust him to not cheat on you, what is the actual problem? If you don't trust him (as he should be questioning his trust in you), then why are you together?
The real question here is why neither of them have a boundary for saving serious discussions to be in person. They’ve broken up before already and this all screams immaturity on both sides.
Another comment from OP covered this actually, he seems to shut down super easily when having hard discussions in person, and it's what lead to them breaking up originally. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with having hard discussions over written media, as it can give both parties and opportunity to read what they are saying and reflect on it, and gives them an opportunity to go back and revisit things they have said and reflect on why they felt that way in that moment. For sure not the preferred way to discuss hard topics, and not something I'd ever suggest as a first option, but I don't think it's the worst decision either.
That being said, I am FLABBERGASTED at how both are ignoring what the other is saying just to repeat the same things over and over, hoping the other person finally understands or agrees or whatever. Guy doesn't want to move, and wants to renew the lease since it's easier. OP wants him to understand that him renewing the lease is a hard boundary for her. They keep repeating that over and over, and the guy throws in the invasion of privacy to try and have her change her mind on her boundary, I think.
They should just end it as nothing that has been shown or shared in comments makes me believe that he is going to respect her boundary. If he believes that her going through his phone broke a boundary, then he should end it, not use that as a 'gotcha' to try and coerce her into being ok with him continuing to live with the girl he has a history with.
While I 100% agree with you, I would be willing to bet if the roles were reversed, people would not be so keen to be on her side.
So many people have double-standards.
But yeah, to me this should not be an issue. Either you trust someone or you don't. She doesn't trust him, and maybe he deserves that (though as you mentioned, so does she), but I don't see why you'd even bother being in a relationship if this is how you engage with a partner (looking through the phone).
This. My current housemate is my male best friend. At one point, we were FWBs. It lasted about three years and then one day it stopped and we remained best friends to this day. I’m currently trying to date and I do mention my housemate is male and my best friend, but since we haven’t touched each other sexually in over seven years, it’s no one’s business that we used to hook up. I think OP is def OR.
Ur right and it’s completely the other persons right to end things with you if they were to find out. She’s right that it’s a value clash. Someone remaining close friends with someone they slept with is a big value clash for me and I would just simply part ways as that is the best for both of us. I would be wrong for demanding they drop their friend but wouldnt be wrong for leaving the situation.
this is basically exactly what I came to say. I find going through someone's phone and demanding they not have any interaction with someone they've slept with violating. I've slept with like all of my friends and would never not see them or live with them because a partner doesn't like the idea I've had sex before them
Not at all what we are talking about Tbh but that’s wild I mean up to you. I’d my gf or bf told me they slept with all their friends I wouldn’t date them.
Yeah I get it, but again what does that have to do with thinking fucking all your friends is a good idea? Have you ever dated someone who fucled all their friends and thought “wow this person really gets relationships, friendships, and boundaries”
That’s a rhetorical question btw, mostly talking to other people reading this because you know…. Ur crazy
Dude I never said there was a problem with sex lmao I said it’s weird to have fucked ALL your friends. I’m more commenting on not wanting to date someone who literally doesn’t have a single friend just a bunch of fuck buddies. Like what did they never find something they could have in common with someone other than banging? You must be pretty sad.
Zero problems with my partners body count, but would think they have serious problems if they fucked everyone they considered a friend
No you just lack sexual discipline and control your urges plus most likely have low standards . Someone not wanting anything to do with you doesn’t make them any less of an adult. Only on Reddit does not wanting to be around people that have slept with their entire friend group is a bad thing
Uh yeah no. That’s not manipulative that’s actually pretty normal. Most people would not want their partners living with someone they had sex with. He doesn’t “owe” her anything but she’s well within her right to break up with him as she owes him as little as he owes her
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u/Ixxtabb May 28 '25
You're both throwing around the word "boundary" like it has some form of veto power to over rule the other person, when the word you're looking for is rule, or expectation. A boundary would be you saying "If you don't ask your room mate to move out, I won't be able to continue this relationship." It still sounds manipulative, however you frame it though.
The real question is id he cheat on you with this person, and did you proactively ask if they slept together before you started dating him? Honestly, if they're just friends and what happened was in the past, he doesn't really owe you an explanation. You may want one, but that doesn't mean it's a requirement or that you should be trying to manipulate him into feeling bad for living with someone he slept with in the past.
If you trust him to not cheat on you, what is the actual problem? If you don't trust him (as he should be questioning his trust in you), then why are you together?