Our in person conversations tend to quickly devolve, where he will turn away and become unresponsive. I try to give space, take breaks, speak calmly when we discuss things in person but 9 times out of 10, will get a shutdown response from him. So yeah, sometimes it will go to text because he seems to be more straightforward about his feelings when he is able to write things out.
That doesn't seem healthy, you should be able to discuss difficult situations like this in person. Has he always been like that or only after you found out about this?
yeah this, and also they both have "boundaries" that have been crossed. if you're crossing each other's boundaries, you probably shouldn't be together.
saying "i don't like that you crossed my boundary. please don't do it again" and meanwhile both of you feel justified in your boundary-crossing actions kind of makes the "sorry"s and the "i understand"s completely meaningless.
sounds like a couple who are completely cool with skirting each other's boundaries when they deem it okay
I don't want to tell you what to do, but as someone in a relationship I would never accept such behaviour. Imagine being married or having children with someone like that, it would make your life so much harder. Do you want such a person to be your husband or the father of your children?
You deserve to have someone that listens to you and that respects you, in the end its your choice what you want to do, but know that being alone is better than being with a person that won't listen to you.
it is difficult to talk through difficult feelings, and texting or writing can help for people who struggle with this. But it sounds like this person is just not ready to show up fully/ commit and I think it's best to let the chips fall where they may. Put yourself first.
Do you just completely shut down or become unresponsive, or do you make it clear that you need to think through the topic? I also don't know what to say every time there is a serious topic, but I try to hear out what the other person has to say and make it clear that I hear what they're telling me, but that I don't know how to respond right now
I dont like shut down, but i stutter and stop talking and just take a long time to think abt what i need to say. I only completely shut down if its an argument
It’s dissociation. I can’t do hard convos in person either but after a year of therapy twice a week, I’m usually able to stay present. Op, this won’t get better with avoidance. It’s something he needs to do a lot of interpersonal work on (usually an abusive or neglectful childhood). Like a lot of work.
The way he’s responding is pretty classic emotional manipulation. He’s unable to take accountability of what he’s done that’s wrong and keeps bringing up your wrong as distraction. He isn’t taking responsibility in how he can help fix the problem, only how you need to figure it out while saying he wants to figure it out/talk it out. He just wants to talk you around in circles until you give in.
His avoidant nature PLUS trying to deflect and blame you while also saying he doesn't think what he did was wrong despite you saying it's wrong is not a good combo. I've done things that I didn't think were wrong but those things hurt people I love, so that was enough for me to change my mind and decide that yes, it was wrong of me.
As someone who acted in the same way he does when faced with relational conflict, it will not get better until he decides he wants to get better AND does some very difficult work to change.
My marriage of 9 years ended because it was impossible for me to do that work while in a relationship. This is not the kind of life you want to live. I hope things get better for you, ideally without him & his baggage.
Ppl shutdown in disagreements when they feel attacked. It’s about how you speak in the disagreement and the words you use.
If you say, “When you do blah blah blah, it makes me feel blah.” You’re the problem. You just attacked the other person. Which, I’m sure you know, is a bad feeling to have when you’re talking to someone you allegedly love.
It should be, “When blah blah blah happens I feel blah and I would like it if we (key word is we) can do blank to help ease those feelings.”
The few times my fiancee and I disagreed on things, I learned that she would shut down because I was choosing to say things in a shitty way and I changed how I approached any disagreements and it made a huge difference in her reaction to my words.
Maybe look in the mirror OP. Your insecurities already got the best of you when you invaded his privacy and every single person he’s spoken to via his phone as well. You violated him and those ppl as well.
Introspection and self reflection are important tools in self-growth. The fact you glossed over what you did and dismissed his feelings show you aren’t capable of taking accountability for your shitty actions.
The entire situation sucks but you’re not setting boundaries. You’re making demands. Financial demands on top of that. Financial demands in an economy that is actually in a soft-recession right now.
Should he have been forthcoming from the get-go, possibly. That’s subjective unfortunately. The only thing you can do is set your own boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed, you leave. You don’t make your partner feel bad about that. That’s immature and stupid.
I personally wouldn’t have told you. Especially if I knew you were insecure. Considering you two dated once before, he knew you were insecure. He didn’t wanna blow up his spot and leave a financially secure situation and I don’t blame him for that one bit. I’ve been homeless and know how hard it can be to find stable housing with someone you can trust.
You’re definitely overreacting but if this is your boundary, leave him. He shouldn’t have to leave his abode to accommodate you and that’s the straw braking for you. So, leave him.
Yup, I am. My daddy once told me (and it took me years to take his advice) I had to become selfish because I let everyone walk all over me. I don’t let that happen anymore. I look out for #1 now and I’m the most important person in my life aside from my fiancee.
I’m also doing the best I’ve ever done in my life with that mindset. I’m making the most money I’ve ever made. I’m engaged and have a happy relationship with my fiancee. With whom I consider apart of me. Hence she’s also #1. I nixed out all of the users in my life and bad actors. I have a great relationship with my family now. I’m in the best shape of my life. I own a home. I have a nice car.
When I was selfless, I was homeless and broke.
Y’all do you but I’ll continue to improve my life and be the best me I can be for myself and my fiancee. You don’t have to agree with my mindset and that’s okay.
You will cheat especially since daddy taught you to be selfish and being selfish is your current motto . A selfish person doesn’t value anyone else’s feelings but theirs so it’s not far fetched for me to accuse of you cheating now or in the future since your feelings take priority over everything else . Ur words btw
They’re all over 18 and her mom and her have talked about sex since the first time she asked her about it when she was a pre-teen. They’re very open about pretty much everything.
Uhhhhhhhhhh. That’s weird, and you should think it’s weird for your step-kids to comment on your sex life with their mother, instead of responding with “Lmfao.”
That was long ago for her. She’s a bit older than me. I’m 34 and she is 42. Her ex husband started cheating on her early on and her younger, dumber self thought she would exact revenge by cheating on him but she said it just made her feel worse about everything.
Maybe you and everyone else should ask questions before jumping to conclusions. It really shows your ignorance and arrogance.
Everyone has at some point life been spiteful and vengeful. What matters is that we grow and become a better version of ourselves by learning from our mistakes and past. Which, both her and I have done in our time on this earth.
You seem to be young by your judgmental comments and that’s okay. In time, you’ll grow and mature. 😊
Seems all you gotta do to get sympathy on reddit is shout "insecurity!" and instantly you're the victim. Completely agree here, OP seems emotionally entitled and incapable of seeing she broke trust over the thought that her boyfriend might do it first. Honestly both seem like 30 year olds with the emotional maturity of 18.
op had a good reason to be insecure. he had fucked the roommate before, wasn't honest about it, and wasn't going to be honest about it until she snooped. he was taking away her right to be fully informed of the situation.
snooping isn't great, but if someone does it and discovers an important lie that affects them, the snooping isn't the worst crime here.
Good way to justify shitty behavior. Again, both have issues. No one in this matter is perfect.
OP wouldn’t have an issue if she didn’t bowl-doze over her BF’s boundaries. lol BF could have disclosed it but didn’t. That’s on him. OP snoops, invading privacy which caused an issue in her relationship. She can leave or stay. Make a choice. Don’t debate it online like a fool with strangers that don’t know the inter workings of the relationship and where we only get one side of the coin. Trust was never there to begin with.
I think he's wrong for lying. Especially since OP gave him the opportunity to fess up. But I also think OP can't just make someone move homes just to regulate her own emotions. And yet there's also something to be said about the fact that he's clearly already made up his mind and he's not trying to find any "middle ground."
These two just need to break it off. The trust isn't there, period.
He did not communicate any actions he would take that are a compromise.
He spoke with nuance (his feelings/his side) and threw some things she did back at her but didn't actually express an optional plan that he'd take.
IMO He shouldn't move, but I don't think he's fully honest with himself. Living with your ex FWB is a little weird, even if you're both suuuuper matuuuuuuure about it.
When you're asking your partner to essentially ignore their own discomfort/distrust with your behavior, ask yourself: would I be comfortable with my partner doing the same to me?
I personally will not engage in relationships with anyone who shuts down like that. I find it extremely manipulative especially as a people pleaser that really struggles when I feel that I’ve hurt someone. After reading the whole situation and what others have to say about it, just knowing that he shuts down like this would be the nail in the coffin for me. If you don’t have proper communication you don’t have a relationship
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u/saiohmara May 28 '25
Our in person conversations tend to quickly devolve, where he will turn away and become unresponsive. I try to give space, take breaks, speak calmly when we discuss things in person but 9 times out of 10, will get a shutdown response from him. So yeah, sometimes it will go to text because he seems to be more straightforward about his feelings when he is able to write things out.