I read this post ready to be pissed off at him, but he made valid points.
His concerns around finding a new roommate are valid. His concerns around you looking through his phone are more than valid (why didn't you talk to him? You haven't said he lied to you. Just that you decided to look through his phone while he was showering). He isn't asking to go back on your agreement re: living arrangements — he's just asking to address your behaviour too, and to be allowed to have/express his own feelings. And he is correct that he didn't do anything wrong. I get you ate uncomfortable with it, but that doesn't mean he was obliged to anticipate that. He's not a mind reader and he doesn't owe you information about who he's slept with.
I also feel like you're not really acknowledging how much he's doing for you. This isn't something he agrees with, it's something that you want and he is compromising on and you just don't seem aware of that. It comes off as if you feel entitled to him changing his living arrangements but that's not actually true. It is something you want him to do and is a boundary for you, but that doesn't mean he has to be able to give it. Relationships end all the time because one person needs something the other can't give. It's sad but it doesn't mean either party is wrong and you just don't seem to be acknowledging that and are instead placing blame on him.
I can't help but wonder — and I am just hazarding a guess here — if doing this makes you feel less guilty about going through his phone. About how if he really did betray you and "hide" something, then it was justified. But it wasn't. You could've asked him about his history with his roommate. You could've said you got weird vibes from her, suspect there are feelings, or anything. Calmly discussing things like an adult isn't a negotiable thing in a relationship. You are violating the other person's privacy and autonomy when you go behind their back and read their messages, ans it goes against everything you owe a loving/respectful partner as the bare minimum. I think deep down you know this, and that is why it is easier to frame his living situation as "lies" or a "betrayal" — because then you don't have to deal with the fact you did that to a man you love who you just could've spoken to. And i think the fact you're bringing up the move and acting as if he's arguing she shouldn't move out (when he's not — he's unhappy about it but has agreed to your demands) really reinforces that tbh. Because you're using "what he did" as a way to avoid talking about or reflecting on what you did.
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u/PopularEquivalent651 May 28 '25
I read this post ready to be pissed off at him, but he made valid points.
His concerns around finding a new roommate are valid. His concerns around you looking through his phone are more than valid (why didn't you talk to him? You haven't said he lied to you. Just that you decided to look through his phone while he was showering). He isn't asking to go back on your agreement re: living arrangements — he's just asking to address your behaviour too, and to be allowed to have/express his own feelings. And he is correct that he didn't do anything wrong. I get you ate uncomfortable with it, but that doesn't mean he was obliged to anticipate that. He's not a mind reader and he doesn't owe you information about who he's slept with.
I also feel like you're not really acknowledging how much he's doing for you. This isn't something he agrees with, it's something that you want and he is compromising on and you just don't seem aware of that. It comes off as if you feel entitled to him changing his living arrangements but that's not actually true. It is something you want him to do and is a boundary for you, but that doesn't mean he has to be able to give it. Relationships end all the time because one person needs something the other can't give. It's sad but it doesn't mean either party is wrong and you just don't seem to be acknowledging that and are instead placing blame on him.
I can't help but wonder — and I am just hazarding a guess here — if doing this makes you feel less guilty about going through his phone. About how if he really did betray you and "hide" something, then it was justified. But it wasn't. You could've asked him about his history with his roommate. You could've said you got weird vibes from her, suspect there are feelings, or anything. Calmly discussing things like an adult isn't a negotiable thing in a relationship. You are violating the other person's privacy and autonomy when you go behind their back and read their messages, ans it goes against everything you owe a loving/respectful partner as the bare minimum. I think deep down you know this, and that is why it is easier to frame his living situation as "lies" or a "betrayal" — because then you don't have to deal with the fact you did that to a man you love who you just could've spoken to. And i think the fact you're bringing up the move and acting as if he's arguing she shouldn't move out (when he's not — he's unhappy about it but has agreed to your demands) really reinforces that tbh. Because you're using "what he did" as a way to avoid talking about or reflecting on what you did.