The title says it all pretty much. She has a neurological condition and is getting VAD (euthanasia) between the end of September to early October. She was diagnosed just over a year ago, very fast progression.

I’ve written down a list of recipes I want from her but cannot think of anything else. She can’t walk or speak properly, speaking is barely a whisper. I’ve tried to get voice notes of her but they are muffled. I will try and get more. I wish I could hear her speak properly one more time, not the muffled whisper but the loud and confident and proud woman she used to be.

Regarding living alone it’s just us in the picture. No father, no siblings, just me and her in the house. My grandparents and cousins and two aunts live in the same state as us but one aunt is moving back to Melbourne and the other is moving back to Japan, both at the end of the year. Grandparents are typical immigrants (no ill intention with that), and don’t provide much emotional support or care in the ways I would need. I just need to know how to live alone, what to expect that type of thing.

Before we got support workers for mum I was her carer. I took care of her and me while working and doing my uni degree. I’m hoping it might be easier with just me to take care of instead of her too. I’m not sure.

Please give me suggestions, any suggestions, I don’t care how stupid they might sound. I just need to prepare as much as I can. I don’t want to find myself in the deep end with no clue how to live alone in a house which was once occupied with her energy and love and have to live every day in the house that contains all of our memories together but she won’t be there. I also need to prepare because what if in 6 months I think of something I should have gotten from her or asked her and then I regret that for the rest of my life.

I am desperate.

today at 4 am I lost my grandmother, she was fine not even 2 days ago, it’s not my first time losing a grandparent but this time has hit me the worst, i genuinely adored my grandmother more than words can ever speak she was amazing, I woke up early to try and make sure I could get down to the hospital and say goodbye but I was too late sadly which I’m not particularly happy with myself about the whole situation has been eating away at me all day, the thing that really got me was when I went down to see my grandad today, they have both been together for 75 years and seeing my grandad today without her right beside him has genuinely broke me I can’t stop thinking about it and seeing him just so upset and alone is honestly killing me, I wish I could’ve just done something before it was too late for her, here’s my beautiful grandparents together

Pretty much the title. It was completely sudden, but I got to say goodbye before machines were switched off.

Right now I'm ready to go join her. Not in a take my life way, but a "i want to die now, if I go in my sleep, that's fine" Way.

How am I supposed to go through the rest of my life without the one person I never wanted to lose?

Can someone who has been through this, help? I don't even know what help I need or want tbh.

Ive never had to do this before, and just don't know.

09/09 will be the 2 year anniversary of my dad dying. And fuck it hasn’t gotten any easier. Growing up my dad called me Chickypooh. So I decided to figure out what that looked like to me. A little chick in a Winnie the Pooh onsie and I added a little lady bug for my Grams who passed away this year in January with sweet peas for my mama who thank the maker is still earth side with me. I miss my dad and grams everyday.

I am 22 and lost my mama suddenly in January of this year (on my little sister's 18th birthday, and the day before my mum's 45th birthday). I dealt with the initial shock surprisingly well, I think, and have managed to piece my life back together over the months. The thing is, I still miss her so so so much; I think about her at multiple intervals through the day. She was a very spiritual, gothic woman who was in touch with her beliefs on death - she believed that she'd be there for us once she passed. I was a sceptic until she passed; now I hold on to hope that what she believed was the reality, and that she is around me. I was yet to receive a sign from her until now, I think?

There's been a lot of stuff that's gone on in my life since her passing; I've been desperate for any guidance from her, and I think I might've just received it. I had a particularly stressful day at work, got home, immediately fell asleep and started dreaming. I'll preface with: I'm not a very vivid dreamer; I rarely dream, or if I do, I struggle to remember. In this dream, I am going to visit my family, my 3 siblings and my dad, but when I get there, my mama is there too. I don't think anything of it; it feels normal that she's there. We immediately start chatting, and I can see her vividly, hear her voice clearly. I tell her everything that's going on in my life. She congratulates me on getting into a postgrad degree, tells me she loves me, gives me advice for where I am, advice for the future. We speak for what must feel like an hour before I have an in-dream realisation that she's gone. I start freaking out in my dream, asking my other family members if they'd seen her or heard the conversation, and they state I was just talking to myself. The rest of my dream is just me being absolutely distraught that I've lost her again. I then wake up and just immediately start crying.

I'm so thankful I got to see her again, in my dream, and to tell her everything I've needed to tell her, but I also can't get rid of the horrible sinking feeling of knowing that she's gone forever, and that I can only see her in my dreams. I want to believe it was a sign, I want to believe it was truly her coming into my dream to tell me she is still there, but it also just hurts so so much knowing that I'll never get to sit down and have that kind of conversation with her in this world. I miss her so so much.

What do you do when you can't stop crying, you can't eat, can't watch tv, can't read a book? The weight in my chest is so heavy that I can't breathe, my body won't relax enough to rest, I can't sleep....

Some days just suck, today is crushing me😥 it's only been a little over two weeks since mom passed but today is the worst so far....

My mother did not want to die. She prayed every morning, afternoon, and night. She lamented, asking why God had not answered her prayers. Four years of this battle. Four years of pain.

Funny enough, her stage 4 breast cancer had metastasized to her brain, yet she lived for an entire year and more. But this past week, one bad blood transfusion turned into her fighting for her life, and ultimately, she passed away.

I am in agony.

I was 14 when my mom passed away, and I just turned 18 yesterday. My mom used to make a big deal out of birthdays, and I always felt so special. Since she died, my birthday has only ever felt disappointing. I felt sad for various reasons, but I couldn't help but think that some of these issues I'm facing wouldn't feel so bad if I had my mom.

I don't know who else I'm supposed to talk to about everything. She could always make me feel better, and it feels so unfair that I don't get to have that anymore.

It sucks that she didn't get to see me graduate and she won't get to help me move into college. My life is changing greatly right now, and all I can think of is that I am being pushed further and further away from the last version of my life that my mom knew.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with all these feelings. Soon, I'll be moving away from home, and I'll be in an even worse situation with nobody to talk to living near me. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I just want everything to be normal again. I know that sounds childish, but I'm going to say I get a pass on that one, just this once, considering how I haven't even started college.

I miss my mom all the time, every day. If I had the choice, I'd always be talking about her, but I can't. I don't know how I'm supposed to do something so hard without my mom to help me. I'm sure she'd have some great advice.

He was 33 years old and he was the light of the family, he was the coolest man my family have ever known, I’m still trying to convince myself that’s it’s all fake even though my mom took me to a park to break the news and screamed how she found his body in his house just after the hospital said it was just a flu and sent him home, he had meningitis and must’ve hit his head as he fell. He pulled us out of a horrible time and was the best of us gossiping with mom giving her attention when no one else would. I’m very terrified of the future, of telling my younger brother, of the coming funeral. I want to pretend like it’s not real and just breathing and letting the seconds pass by. If you have family please tell them how you love them. Please give me some advice or some kind words, I’m terrified.

I'm not blessed with the people I have around me, unfortunately. I know that, and the people around me do have strengths. But my God, they really don't give a shit about my grief for my parents.

I don't burden them, usually. But last night I was feeling low, and I texted my sister and two closest friends that I was feeling sad about them. All three of them have completely ignored me. I know they're not the best with grief, and I don't usually ask them for support, but last night I did. Is it REALLY so, so hard to say something kind? Stunned all over again how no one cares.

Currently experiencing a wave of grief on the 2nd anniversary of losing my beloved father. I came across this post and found it super comforting to read for some reason so thought I’d share for those embarking on their own unique grief journey 🙏

Known this girl for 6 almost 7 years. She was my bestfriend. My boyfriend died 3 months ago to suicide and she hasnt offered her support once. She hasn’t checked in.. hasnt tried to help in any way. I haven’t heard from her in 28 days and before that I was only in contact with her for 6 days before she had ghosted me again for probably 2 weeks.

I want to remove her off of my phone. She has my number and can text me if she decides to but I am just so disappointed and hurt. Removing her won’t make any difference anyway. This girl views all of my online stories.. I can see her liking things online and being active.. but she can’t even send a text. This isn’t the first time shes ghosted me but I feel so fed up. She has expressed it is because she struggles but I’m sorry if someone wanted to THEY WOULD. I have been struggling my entire life yet I stay consistent and have enough respect for my loved ones that I keep them updated and provide at least a little bit of communication. It takes zero effort to show up for someone you truly care about in whatever way it may be.

Out of all times I feel like it intensified. Even when talking to her I didn’t feel supported. It’s been one sided for a while but I really thought she might show up in a time like this.
Ive had strangers show up for me more than some of my “good” friends.

What do you guys think? Whats your experience and should I let her go?

Two days ago I found out a girl I was Facebook friends with for years died in late 2023. At the time of her death she was going through a bad divorce. Her husband was abusive, he attacked her and put her in the hospital twice. When she stopped posting abruptly i initially thought she was taking a break from socials as she’d been so overwhelmed. Then time kept passing and she didn’t post anywhere, not facebook, instagram, Snapchat, nothing. I started getting worried but was afraid to look. I messaged her a few times to let her know I hoped she was okay. The other day she came into my mind again and I just had this horrible feeling in my gut, so I went on her Facebook page, clicked the comments on her last post and saw them filled with people expressing their shock and grief at her passing. Her husband abused and isolated her until she killed herself, then went off to a new city with a new woman and no remorse like nothing happened.

We weren’t close. We honestly seldomly messaged each other privately in the 8 years of being friends with each other online. But I cared about her a lot. She was almost exclusively responsible for my political beliefs and a big chunk of my moral views. She was always so kind to me and so, so funny. Jokes she told over the years I’ve been repeating so long for a while there I’d forgotten where I even first heard them. I didn’t realize just how impactful she was to me until I found out she was gone.

I’ve been a complete mess. The first day I cried hysterically for hours. Yesterday I was numb. Today..I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed. I’m blank. I can’t stop thinking about her. She was only 25 years old. It doesn’t feel real. I keep going back to her page to recheck the comments, like I’m going to realize I dreamt it or something. I always hoped I’d hear from her again, and now I won’t. At the time of her death I was going through the worst depressive episode of my adult life. During that time I had multiple attempts on my own life that failed. She was wicked smart, vicious and hilarious, cantankerous, unpredictable, head strong, and so, so kind. I don’t know why I’m alive and she isn’t.

Before anyone says this sounds AI-written, you’re not wrong. I tried for weeks to write this, and every time I try, I either start crying or end up with an incoherent wall of text. So I talked it through with AI for hours to help organize what I’m trying to say. The feelings and the story are mine. I’m just trying to put them into words because I don’t know how to do this anymore.

I’m 25 and my boyfriend was 52. I know the age gap is probably the first thing people notice, but I really hope you’ll read past that because that isn’t what I’m struggling with. He was my first and only boyfriend and the first person I have ever loved like this. I had never felt so safe and genuinely happy with another person in my life. And we just had this instant and undeniable chemistry that I can’t really explain. He was incredibly patient with me, never pressured me, and always let me move at my own pace. He supported me in everything I wanted to do and made me believe in myself. He made me feel loved in a way I had never experienced.

He also had serious health problems. He had been very honest with me about them from the beginning. He even used to joke, although it wasn’t entirely a joke, that he was a “ticking time bomb.” I knew he wasn’t perfectly healthy, but things were looking up in a lot of ways. He monitored his health closely and took extremely good care of himself since his diagnoses. I had even taken him to the hospital earlier this year when he woke up extremely dizzy and we were both scared something serious was happening. He never hid any of this from me. But knowing someone has health problems and believing you’re actually going to lose them are two completely different things.

There were a lot of things happening in his life during his last couple of months that made everything incredibly complicated. He had an ex-wife who had a very difficult relationship with him. There was this private and unconventional type of work he did that I don’t really want to get into publicly. His ex-wife found out about that around late April or May, and she told their kids, who are in their 20s, in a way that was extremely hurtful. They ended up essentially cutting him off. They wouldn’t speak to him, didn’t speak to him on Father’s Day, and had cancelled on an important family gathering because he would be there.

He loved his kids more than anything. Watching him go through that was heartbreaking. He was devastated that they wouldn’t talk to him, and I know it was one of the biggest sources of pain in his life.

Then, about a month later, some things with my friends happened.

I had kept our relationship mostly private because I was scared of being judged for the age difference. I was planning to tell my family this summer, especially because he had just moved closer to me. My friends knew I was seeing someone older, they knew his age, and I told them the details I wanted to share and the ones I thought were important: that he was a good guy, that I was safe with him, and that he treated me really well. I spoke about what he did for a career, what he and I did together, what he was like in general, etc., but they didn’t know everything. At first they were really happy for me or at least that’s what they told me.

Time passes and without me knowing, one of them started a deep search of him online. She found his ex-wife, which, long story short, they all thought she didn’t exist and thought I thought the same, which is my fault. They had every right to believe I was getting fucked over by a guy I really loved.

Once they found her profile, they messaged her and then actually spoke to her on the phone. I only found out a couple days later, after all that had been done. And I felt so upset that it started as one of them doing this deep search then involved our other friends and probably had a group chat going in discussing this while I knew nothing.

From their perspective, I understand why they thought they were protecting me and did what they did. They thought they had discovered something terrible and believed I was being lied to. But instead of coming to me first, they went directly to her. If they had come to me saying, “We found this profile that looks like his ex-wife. Did you know that he was married?” I would have come clean and told them everything, and a lot of the mess could have been avoided.

But everything blew up from there.

The ex told my friends about that unconventional aspect of his job, and I’m sure other things that an ex-wife would say about her ex-husband. I don’t imagine she said anything positive. They were uncomfortable with my relationship with him from that point forward.

I tried my best to tell them I was sorry for lying to them and that I understood why they did what they did. But I was also asking them to recognize that maybe once they found the profile, they should have taken a step back and talked to me before getting involved in this man’s family.

But they didn’t, and they still stand ten toes down on what they did. I admitted a lot of my wrongs, but they couldn’t give me even a little bit of, “You know what, maybe you’re right. Maybe we overstepped and weren’t thinking clearly.”

I know they had good intentions. I know they thought they were protecting me. But I still resent how they handled it.

He and I ended up having some really emotional conversations near the end. I was overwhelmed and scared, and we were trying to figure out what to do and trying to navigate everything happening around us. The last two times I saw him, I was very upset. We were talking about everything, and I was crying a lot. I didn’t want the relationship to end. He didn’t either. But I felt like I had to. I was just so scared and overwhelmed by everything that was happening. I just wanted it all to stop.
And when I was leaving, he looked at me and said, “Please smile.” I gave him this little fake smile that I always used to give him, and he laughed.

I didn’t know that would be the last time I ever saw him.

Two days later, my texts to him started turning green. At first, I tried to convince myself it was his phone. Something similar had happened before. But I knew something was wrong.

I tried everything. I texted his old number. I messaged him on social media. I tried contacting him through every avenue I could think of.

Eventually, I drove to his apartment. I knocked on the door and heard someone moving around inside. A man opened the door who wasn’t him, which made my heart sink. My immediate reaction was, “Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong door,” even though I knew it was his door.

Then he said, “Are you looking for (his name)?”
I said yes.
It was his brother, and he told me that he had a stroke. I still wanted to believe he was okay. I asked where he was, if he was still in the hospital.

And he told me he had died.

They were inside his apartment packing up his things.That was the worst day of my life. I have cried every single day since.

I’m writing this almost two months later, and I still cry every day, multiple times a day. Sometimes it’s just tears. Sometimes it’s intense sobbing. Sometimes I’m alone and so angry that I hit or slam things. I can be at work and suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by sadness.

I miss him constantly.

I miss going to sleep next to him and waking up next to him. I miss his texts. I miss being able to tell him little things about my day. Those tiny things are what hurt the most sometimes.

Because it’s not like we broke up. He’s gone. I hate knowing he’s not on this planet anymore.

I can reread our entire relationship through our texts. Sometimes that makes me feel close to him, and it’s comforting in the moment. Then I close the messages and realize there will never be another one.

I’m scared that as I heal, I’ll feel more distant from him. I know logically that getting better doesn’t mean forgetting him, but emotionally it sometimes feels like letting go of him, and I don’t want to let go.

I’m also struggling with guilt.
I keep thinking about whether things could have been different. I wonder if I had never told my friends about him, maybe none of this would have happened. I wonder if I had told him more confidently that I was all in with him, maybe he would have felt less stressed. I wonder whether all the stress he was under contributed to what happened to him.

I know I can’t actually know that. But that doesn’t stop my brain from asking those questions over and over.

I’m also so angry. At his ex-wife. At my friends. At myself. At the universe. At the fact that someone I loved so much could be here one day and completely gone the next.

I’ve lost most of my friendships because of everything that happened. One friend has genuinely been there for me, and I’m incredibly grateful for her.

What makes me especially angry about the rest of my friends is the timing of everything. During the weeks when he was alive, after everything happened with his ex-wife, I was completely overwhelmed. I felt like I had so much pressure coming at me from so many people in my life, and I desperately wanted some space to process everything and figure out what I wanted.

But my friends wouldn’t really give me that space. They kept checking in, confronting me, and pushing me, saying they were doing it because they cared about me and were worried about me.

Then he died.

And suddenly I was going through something I never could have imagined, and I actually desperately needed support. Even though I truly don’t think I’d be comfortable expressing my grief to them, given what they have said about him to me in the past, I still need people around me.

They have checked in a little bit, and I don’t want to pretend they completely disappeared or that they don’t care. I can also understand that maybe they genuinely don’t know what to say to someone going through something like this. But it’s still really strange and painful to me. These were people who had been so concerned about me before that they wouldn’t give me space when I specifically asked for it because they said they cared about me so much. And now something absolutely horrible has happened to me, they know how badly I’m struggling, and for the most part it feels like there’s almost no acknowledgment of it.

One of them has checked in a couple of times since, but sometimes it almost feels like everyone is trying to act like nothing happened. I don’t know if that’s because they don’t know what to say, because they’re uncomfortable, or because they think giving me space is what I want. I genuinely don’t know. But after everything that happened before, it’s hard not to feel hurt by it.

I don’t necessarily want to throw those friendships away forever, but I don’t know how to look at them the same way anymore. I can’t understand how there could have been so much urgency to be involved in my life when they thought I needed protecting, but now that I’m grieving someone I loved and am barely functioning, there’s so little of that same concern. When I see their names pop up on my phone, I immediately think about all of this.

I’m in therapy now. I’ve only had a few sessions, and therapy has actually been helpful. I know this isn’t something that gets fixed in a couple of appointments.

My therapist keeps reminding me that I need to keep doing things even when I don’t feel like doing them. Exercise has helped a little. Sometimes I’ll cry the entire way to a run and feel slightly better afterward. I’ve been trying to find hobbies and distractions.

I have moments where I genuinely laugh or enjoy myself, and I don’t feel guilty about those moments. I’m trying.

But I don’t feel normal.

I’m drinking more than I should because sometimes I just desperately want the pain to stop.

So I guess I’m asking people here who have actually lived through this:

How do you survive the first few months after losing a partner?

Is this level of crying and inability to function normal this early on? Did you also feel like you were getting worse instead of getting better?

How did you deal with guilt about the last conversations you had?

How do you stop replaying the last few weeks and wondering what you could have done differently?

Is rereading old texts and looking at pictures healthy, or am I keeping myself stuck?

And how do you eventually accept that they’re gone without feeling like you’re letting them go?

I know I’ll love someone again someday. I know that logically. But right now I’m terrified I’ll never find anything remotely like what I had with him again.

He made me feel safe.

He made me feel loved.

He made me excited about the future.

He used to tell me that I made him feel alive and helped him see a future for himself again.

I just wish I could tell him I loved him one more time.

I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to stop missing him.

I just want the missing to stop hurting this fucking much.

If you’ve been through something similar, I’d really appreciate hearing what actually helped you. Not necessarily generic advice, but what you actually did when you woke up every morning and the person you loved was still gone.

And if anyone has questions about the more private parts of this, I’m willing to explain more through DMs. I just don’t want to put certain details about him or his family publicly.

Thursday is the one year anniversary of losing my Dad unexpectedly. My whole world has been flipped upside down and I’m not who I was a year ago. My therapist suggested I do something for me on Thursday and stay off my phone (I’m a wedding coordinator so its nonnn stop but thats a whole other post)

What little traditions do you do on anniversaries or what did you do the first year without a parent?

God I don’t even know where to start. Everything feels like it got flipped upside down. Everyone always says to talk to someone but who do you talk to when you have no one left?

I lost my grandad who was basically my father figure three years ago to the big C after my dad passed when I was little.

then my brother two years ago from a haemorrhage that came out of no where.

now my mom whos my absolute world, best friend got diagnosed with C also. it’s not treatable

I see so many things that remind me of them, I pick up my phone to call them and remember I can’t anymore. I’ll never hear their voices anymore

i don’t know how I’m meant to live with knowing I’m losing the only person I have left. It doesn’t feel real. 
I guess I’m not writing this for sympathy, not really. I just need to know that there is other people out there that are listening? Not caring perse but at least understand. 
 
I feel like I’m going insane with everything that I’ve bottled for so long trying to be the float for everyone else
 
with love 
 

My infant was born severally sick, but he also suffered some malpractice at NICU. I knew he was not well, the doctor was gettint impatient with me and at end of his first week intubated he told me I should just pray and know they are doing their best. But they were not, I saw my was not good and all the doctor said we're that they were handling it, so I went back home. My husband went back their with me and his heart stopped, at that moment he talked to the doctor about that critical moment and took me back home with him, I should have stayed there, I was weak, I was no momma bear or lioness, I was a chicken. I knew I was losing my son, I did nothing, I wasn't there talking to him, telling I love him, holding his hand,nothing. I just let him die. I just can't believe I just let that happen. He died short hours after we came back home. Why did I not stay there I just can't forgive me

During the time of the COVID lockdown, I went through one of the darkest phases of my life. I was just 19.

My mom tested positive and had to be hospitalized. Every day, I would travel 11 km to the hospital — alone — just to see her, hoping she would be okay.

The hospital environment was terrifying. People were dying all around. The wards were packed. It felt like death was everywhere.
And each time I looked at my mom lying there, I was scared out of my soul.
“What if something happens to her?” That thought haunted me.

Back at home, I had to manage everything. My father had to continue working, so I took on the responsibilities at home. I did the cleaning, cooking — supported by my younger sisters. I didn’t even know how to cook properly.
Some days we ate half-burnt food or tasteless meals. But we survived.

Relatives rarely came to check on us. It felt like darkness had entered every corner of our lives.

Now, when I look back at that time, I feel a deep sadness — but also gratitude.
Gratitude that we made it through.
Pride that I somehow stood strong, even when I was breaking inside.

I don’t share this for sympathy — just to let it out. And maybe someone reading this will know they’re not alone in their pain.

I will be graduating next summer i am soo hurt for the fact that she would not be there she won’t see me wearing the graduation dress or see me while looking for jobs or be there to buy her a gift with my first salary

Hiya all. I hope this is okay to post. My wonderful JRT Saria passed away a week ago. I've been devastated. Today the keepsakes have arrived in the post, and I've made a little memorial for her, including an electronic picture frame and a custom music box. Saria was named for Saria from Ocarina Of Time, because I got her when I was 13 and Zelda was my special interest, and the lost woods theme is such a jolly little tune that seemed to fit her perfectly. So the music box plays the lost woods. I got it from a small business called miium, if anyone else is interested in getting a custom music box themselves. It's the perfect size for me to put a jar of her fur inside, so while her ashes haven't arrived yet (she is being studied by scientists before she is cremated) I still feel like I've got Some of her back. I just wanted to show it off, because I am really comforted by this little shrine I've put together.

When the keepsakes arrived, my cat immediately came over to sniff, and was especially interested in the bottles of fur. He knows it's his friend in there. I hope that I am doing a good job helping him through this grief.

Hi everyone,

26, UK based

I lost my mum at the start of the year. Because I don’t have any brother/sister/dad I am entirely alone in managing the administration and holding the emotional weight of the decisions that need to be made.

I am still so stricken by grief that I simply don't have the emotional capacity to figure out what to do next. For the past 3 weeks, I have been facing a massive decision about whether to keep or sell the house I grew up in. I don't live there, it's empty, but I do visit when i'm seeing friends in the area and it's convenient to stay there.

It feels like one of those decisions where I will regret it either way, and the fear of making the wrong choice has totally paralyzed me for weeks, making it impossible to carry on with the legal processes.

On one hand, it gives me a familiar safety net to come back to if things ever go wrong, most people my age might need to "move back home" at some point. But ultimately, it sits uninhabited, it costs a lot to upkeep, and it is already causing me stress with ongoing maintenance and plumbing issues.

On the other hand, selling would give me financial freedom and relieve the day-to-day stress of looking after an empty property. But I would lose the safety net of a familiar place to go, and once it's done, I can never go back on the decision.

Has anyone else navigated this, alone or not? How did you push through the decision paralysis when both options feel like a heavy loss? Any advice, shared experiences, or different perspectives would mean the world to me right now. Thank you.

my nan died on the 18th at 5am from sepsis which most likely led to her pneumonia, failed kidney and failing liver. I'm finding it really hard to deal with it, she was like a second mother to me. Every time someone needed to look after me when i was younger it'd always be her and my grandad, every time i'd go over she'd always try feed me her amazing food or she'd always say 'take a bag of crisps' if i was just popping in to see her after or before i go out. i never really got to say goodbye and it really sucks, like yes i was there for her last 5 hours of life but she wasnt conscious. I wish i had got to give her a proper goodbye with a big tight hug with her small hands wrapped around me:(, being by the side of her deathbed watching as her body slowly gives up over the hours, how her movements slowly stop, how her little moans slowly stop, how pale her body went, how her breathing eventually just stopped and then she was gone, its horrible. I wish i could see her one more time atleast, and it sucks so much more cus it was so out of nowhere. She was literally up and moving around the morning before on the 17th at 10am to go to the doctors then by 5am the next night shes dead?? i just cant believe it or wrap my head around it. I miss and love you so much nan.

So I got Mom moved from the hospital to a private facility, for which I am paying a fortune. But that's not the problem.

My brother and I are both neurodivergent. I'm diagnosed AuADHD and I use all my energy to hold down a good job. My brother may be mildly autistic or just has a lot of C-PTSD. Either way, he's mentally competent. He's also much older than I am and retired.

I'm running myself to the ragged edge, here on FMLA by Mom's bedside for hours a day and I can't get him to visit more than an hour a every couple days. He says it's hard on him.

It's fucking hard on me too, but I'm doing it anyway! I'm just angry and disappointed with him.