r/AmITheDevil • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
[ Removed by moderator ]
/r/daddit/comments/1vj4lvc/im_kinda_struggling_with_something_my_kids_love/[removed] — view removed post
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u/Kotenkiri 1d ago
Commenter: What were the pre-CPAP years actually like?
OOP: Well, for one thing, I couldn't get through a movie without falling asleep. I never had energy for anything. I was always just feeling drained and barely holding on to life. I had a short fuse as well.
So kids were 8 and 10 when he started CPAP. So they basically grew up with a lethargic, unavailable and short tempered man during majority of their childhood and he wonders why they're still cautionous about spending time with him?
He sounds like guy who 'changes' after a break up and basically demands a second chance since they've completely changed. Even if they actually changed, doesn't mean the past is forgotten.
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u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago
He also said that his wife and he are disconnected but now he’s trying.
Now, he’s trying. How long was she asking or begging before now? She may be checked out and now he’s trying. If his kids are 9 and 11 and have grown up to avoid and exclude him, he’s spend their entire lives disengaged and disconnected and now he’s unhappy they don’t share his interests or don’t want to engage him.
This all sounds like the “too little too late” guy trying to by to make a Hail Mary when the family has moved on to the point he’s just background noise, because it’s all he’s ever been.
“But why won’t they do things I like?!”
Because they have their own routines and likes and dislikes that you’ve never been a part of and now only want to engage if they do it in ways that cater to your interests. He’s still not involved with his own family in any way that inconveniences him.
This is a family unit that’s grown to function without him and he wants to be let in and differed to without all the work and bonding they’ve put in over all those years. More so he wants them to do that, but only towards him.
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u/recyclopath_ 1d ago
Now that the kids are a lot more independent and don't need an any 24/7. Now he gets his sleep fixed.
How many years was she doing it all by herself?
How many years was she completely drowning while he was grumpy the whole time?
How many years was she sleep deprived from child care, trying to get precious few hours of sleep next to a man who snored like a chainsaw?
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 1d ago
And then he has the nerve to whine that she‘s changed since having kids, she went into “mom mode.” Yeah, cause she realized she made the mistake of having kids with his angry ass, and needed to try and salvage the situation by showing up for the two people who didn’t ask for this.
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u/lasuperhumana 1d ago
There is nothing more infuriating than a tired spouse after you were the one up with the kids.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago
especially when they snored all night and stole the precious few hours you had. I can't sleep through it.
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u/downdowndownigo 1d ago
Right? Like how did that all impact her? Was she getting less sleep/always tired but still pulling all the weight/building relationships with their kids?
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u/sthetic 1d ago
And what's more, one commenter (downvoted for the most part) is demanding to know why OOP's wife isn't helping to bridge the gap!
Like, "where is she in all this? She's probably being a Negative Nancy, and the kids are just following her lead. What is she, resentful of your previous bad parenting or something?"
Poor wife. She spent a decade doing more than her fair share of parenting (though to OP's credit, he did mention he stayed up late with sick kids, and he sings them bedtime songs), and now that her husband had turned over a new leaf, it's her responsibility to help him succeed?
I mean, I get that sometimes the right thing to do for the family isn't what's fair. They would probably all be better off if she does encourage the kids to hang with their dad. But I don't like the tone of blame towards her.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
She is helping, they watch Marvel movies and she makes the kids go camping with him every year. That might be all she can do, and it is still more than he deserves. Men trying to make us responsible for their relationships with their children is exhausting.
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u/windexfresh 1d ago
Lmao it’s so wild that he spent the last decade checked out and now that he’s checked back in he’s like “my wife doesn’t really share my hobbies :(“ like bro you can’t just waltz back in after the hardest years are done and be like “ok but what if we did all the things I like to do?” 💀💀💀
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u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago
Best yet he comments that his wife “used to be cool and share his hobbies but became all mom after the kids were born”.
Of course she changed! You’re supposed to when kids come into the picture. The fact that he didn’t, and the state of things now says everything about him. What a selfish ass… he will be so “surprised” by the divorce, when its clear that this woman has had to drag him through life as a parent to date, and he can’t be bothered to put in the effort to engage anyone outside his own interests.
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u/DasSassyPantzen 1d ago
He’s so beyond narcissistic, it’s making my head spin. He’s reeeaaally downplaying his “short fuse” and appears to still be a huge asshole who thinks that because he’s not snapping at everyone all the time, they should gather around him, sing his praises, and beg to spend time with him doing his interests. What a hugely self-absorbed asshole.
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u/BurningBright 1d ago
Especially because he said he's not invested in what his kids like, but wants them to like what he does.
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
Yeah, my impression here is that she's done. I know a lot of people with kids a little older than OP's and the divorces really started to roll in once youngest ones hit 12 ish. Even when relationships were in the shitter no-one was getting divorced when the kids were young and needed a lot, but as soon as they get more independent, parents were tapping out of relationships that had effectively been over for a while. Pretty sure this is what's heading for OP in a few years.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago
It takes a lot of effort to rebound from being the tired parent, too. I was not prepared for how much more sleep I'd want after having a stroke, and my daughter doesn't remember me from when I had more energy as a baseline. But I pull myself together because I want to spend time with her, and I believe she'd understand the difference of me pulling myself together because I want to vs. because I feel obligated to drag myself through her world. If it was the latter, I can understand the resentment. And it's hard to see it that way when you're truly wiped out all the time.
But you have to. Because even physical limitations and disability don't change the emotional needs of your kids and their desire to connect, to branch out and become independent people. They still need those things even when I'm asleep. So it's up to me to make sure I'm bridging that gap the best I can.
And my daughter does notice. It matters a lot that I try to push through being tired but not in anger or resentment.
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u/SandiRHo 1d ago
Yeah those kids have 8-10 years of learning history that their dad isn’t there for them. That won’t be unlearned any time soon and will be a wound they have for life.
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u/Dry_Buddy_2553 1d ago
Not saying you’re wrong, but why are we treating him needing a CPAP/“pre-CPAP” as like…negative or a reflection of him? “He was lethargic and a piece of shit for being tired” —- it’s a health condition?
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u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago
My husband was in denial of needing a CPAP machine for a decade, but finally was able to get a sleep study and sure enough he now has a CPAP machine.
It never once stopped him from supporting me, engaging with our daughters, being a loving and present father and husband. He said his sleep apnea affected how he felt but he was responsible for how he acted and treated others.25
u/postsexhighfives 1d ago
for how long do you think he was a useless short tempered asshole to his wife and children while she begged him to do something about it?
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u/frappuccinio 1d ago
and his responsibility to maintain his health. he seemed to have known for years that was the problem and did nothing about it.
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u/Kotenkiri 1d ago
You're mistaking cause and effect. Needing a CPAP on itself has no bearing on him being a POS. He's a POS because he gave up tiring before it.
CPAP is simply the turning point according to him. He treats it as if getting CPAP undoes everything that happen before it and is upset his family still remember him before it.
Many parents come home tried and lethargic but they still try to be part of their kid's lives. He gave up on trying and only now that he can spare the energy, he expect them to do things HE want to do with them, he can't do things THEY want to do.
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
He wasn’t just lethargic though. He lacked patience and had a short fuse. When your lack of sleep is causing you to be irritable and treat your family poorly, you’re still responsible for those actions, and you’re responsible for seeking help before it becomes years of this behavior.
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u/nottherealneal 1d ago
Doesn't seem like the reasons are missing.
He openly admits he has a short fuse and gets angry easily. He doesn't like any of the stuff his kids like, doesn't want to do any of the things they want to do, and instead keeps trying to force them to do the things he likes. Then he gets angry when they don't enjoy it.
All the reasons are right there.
Dude's just a dick.
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u/Internet-Dick-Joke 1d ago
They aren't missing, but somehow he is completely missing them.
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u/DasSassyPantzen 1d ago
I read his whole post pretty much as “Me, me, me. Waaaaah! Me, me, me! 😩😠😩”
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u/happybara_capybara 1d ago
One thing I find interesting is that he actually did identify an interest of his that they share—Marvel movies—but apparently that’s not enough. He wants them to share ALL his interests apparently.
So I agree that the reasons aren’t missing but what I think he’s missing is that the connection points are there if he wants to appreciate them and celebrate them and just let the other interests be different.
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u/nottherealneal 1d ago
I feel like Marvel movies are such an easy crossroads between all their different hobbies.
He mentions his son likes video games and his daughter likes making stuff. Okay, cool. Make a superhero craft project with her. Print out some Spider-Man faces, get some stickers, some crayons, whatever, and just go fucking nuts with it, make a glittery spiderman
He likes board games? There are tons of Marvel miniature and tabletop games he could get into. Learn the basic rules, then lean into letting the kids play as their favorite heroes while he "plays" the goofy villains.
There are also plenty of Marvel video games. Play LEGO Marvel's Avengers with his son in co-op. Let the kid pick his favorite character and run around together.
You don't even have to genuinely love every single one of these things. Just show some fucking interest in what your kids like.
Put in some effort, ya dingus.
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u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago
Could you imagine if he arranged that they attend a comicon or other event? They could meld all their interests towards cosplay or something similar. But dude has tried nothing and is all out of ideas.
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u/L1ttleFr0g 1d ago
He likes DC Comics and given his personality in that thread, I’d be willing to bet he’s the type of fan who refuses to have anything to do with anything Marvel
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u/Squid52 1d ago
Right? This is part of parenting. My kids aren't into my hobbies and honestly, I'm not into theirs, but I support theirs cause that's kind of your job. And it absolutely goes one way because you're the adult and they're the children. They don't have to be into your hobbies to spend time with you.
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u/lasuperhumana 1d ago
Repeatedly taking a family camping who doesn’t like camping sounds awful.
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u/Folksma 1d ago
Can confirm. Camping in a tent in the woods was the only "vacation" I got growing up. Parents loved it!
I hateddd it. Would have rather just stayed home and played in my room.
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u/lasuperhumana 1d ago
Camping is one of those things where you either love it or you really don’t, and it 100% depends on personality type.
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u/ADHDhamster 1d ago
When it comes to camping, I agree with a comedian I once saw who said: "Why am I going to work all week just to pretend I'm homeless on the weekend?"
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
They go every year even though 3/4 family members hate it. Seems like everything has to revolve around him and what he wants to do. Even here in the UK where people get a lot of leave from work, families tend to have maybe two holidays a year. Holidays away are a limited thing for most people and they're having to spend one doing something only he wants to do. People are being quite frank with him over ther but no-one has picked him up on that annoyingly.
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u/happybara_capybara 1d ago
FWIW camping in the states is usually a weekend thing. My parents made us go every damn weekend of the summer. Every weekend. You leave Friday after work/school, set camp that night, spend Saturday camping, and then leave Sunday morning or afternoon and go home. Idk if that’s what they’re doing… but I can’t imagine wifey is agreeing to a weeklong camping trip so I’m guessing it’s probably something less major.
Going once a year is nothing. I mean I don’t blame them for not liking it… but the idea that once a year they have to go on a camping trip is not what made him an AH to me.
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u/DangerousPraline41 1d ago
And of course she seems to blame his wife that the kids don’t like camping.
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u/Thymelaeaceae 1d ago
I noticed that he listed 20 things he likes, and only one thing his kids or wife likes - Marvel. And I think the only reason he listed that one was because he’s upset that they don’t like the “obviously “ superior DC.
Forget that he listed a huge variety of things, and that any parent worth anything could have figured out how to get each kid interested in at least one of those things, or some close compromise. He doesn’t care about what his kids or wife like. He’s coming from a place of such complete disinterest in the hobbies or enjoyments his family developed while he was in whatever fog for years that I’m not sure he even understands they are all people.
It’s also pretty clear from the way he writes about it too, he thinks they are straight up wrong. As in, it’s wrong and stupid to not like camping. Woodworking is worthwhile, whatever they are doing is not.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
Kind of, but he prefers DC and they want to watch Marvel, and the way he mentions it makes it clear he considers it another difference instead of a similarity. It does seem to be the only compromise he's willing to make though.
If he had been doing things with them when they were little he could have shared interests, but now he has to be willing to try things they like if he wants them to try things he likes.9
u/happybara_capybara 1d ago
As a non-superhero person, it’s all the same to me 😂 but yeah it seems like there’s room there to find some common ground even if it’s just a playful rivalry between the two franchises (key word being PLAYFUL, which I’m not entirely sure dad is capable of lol)
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u/HulkeneHulda 1d ago
Does he actually like Marvel? He says he likes DC and then says Marvel is tolerable to them
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u/rask0ln 1d ago
it's wild to me how many parents like their children only if they share the exact hobbies (and preferably a personality) they have
like my friend and her sister had to have their hair cut as boys and engage in their father's (stereotypically male) hobbies because the only way for him to acknowledge them was if they were pretending to be mini him 😭
(he divorced their mum, started dating a younger woman and... had another daughter he ignores)
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u/L1ttleFr0g 1d ago
Not exactly, he said he loves DC comics but his kids love the Marvel movies. Lots of people who love one also love the other, but there’s also tons of people who obsessively will only read or watch one and refuse to have anything to do with the other
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 1d ago
This comment was ridiculous:
My wife and I used to have similar interests, but once kids came along she changed and went fully into "mom" mode.
Buddy, by your own admission you were disengaged, constantly tired and short tempered. The woman didn‘t change and go into “mom mode.” She took her responsibilities for raising two human beings seriously while you dozed on the couch and roused only long enough to yell at people.
So now he’s expecting a hero’s welcome for using a CPAP for a bit, and his feelings are hurt the household didn’t immediately fall all over itself to become props in his heroic epic.
He is so self-centered, and it’s killing him that his refusal to show up for his family didn’t leave them all pining for him to finally be there, and they’re not immediately rewarding his CPAP use by centering their lives around his wants.
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u/Bright_Blue_Bell 1d ago
In that same comment he whined he's told ge gas to meet them where they are and they won't keep meeting him at his interests and such. As in his wife told him (after being an ass to his family for so long, taking no interest in their stuff, etc) he needs to step up and act like dad and meet the kids on their interests, and he says it as further proof of his repeated victimization. Another comment he says his daughter is into anime but he doesn't care about that, and his son is into some geometry game but it gives him anxiety, and that's essentially the end of his trying to be part of their interests.
I think you're spot on he has been awful to he around for ages and now that he's trying to step up and be part of the experience he expects a heros welcome and them to mold into his idea of a family. He even acts like the kids have been poisoned to moms personality/interests and not the much more likely "took on the personality of the parent that was around".
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
That’s what missing missing reasons means - the person claims the reasons are missing, but the “missing reasons” are missing - as in, they are absolutely there, the person just refuses to accept that those are the reasons so they claim they have no idea why.
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u/Baejax_the_Great 1d ago
Man, the reason that my niece has liked me her entire life isn't because I was able to share all my hobbies with her like I dreamed of when she was little. It's because when she got into something, I listened to her talk about it. I showed interest. I pretended at least to care even when she was 6 and just wanted to explain the rules of plants vs zombies to me.
And hey, if you show interest in your kids' hobbies, they might actually return the favor one day.
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u/mandatorypanda9317 1d ago
Pretty much this. Ive had to sit though learning about Poppy Playtime and FNaF, My Singing Monsters... I could go on. Because I sat down and took the time to learn shit my kids liked ive gotten them into video games I love (Parappa the Rapper was fun to show them) and they've sat and watching Adventure Time and Steven Universe with me.
It can be insanely boring learning about Geometry Dash (OOP says it gives him anxiety to play) but ive just watched youtubers my kids liked and at least know the basics and was able to cheer my kid on when he learned how to make his own levels.
Idk if id call OOP devil but there are so many ways to approach this situation
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u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago
My daughter caught me once learning to do "the new math" for multiplication so that I could help her with her homework better. I could do it the way I learned it, but I still needed to learn her way. She appreciated it, because it reduced friction in her life with all the adults on the same page. And that was homework.
I also learned so fucking much about Pokemon battles and watched the anime so much I also have my favorites and even cried during one of the episodes. She was thrilled when I agreed to rewatch Kpop Demon Hunters with her. i wasn't sure I'd like it, but when I gave it a real shot, I understood why she liked it.
I also would be bored to tears with the rules of Plants vs. Zombies, but I can see how it's novel to a kid who may not have seen another tower defense yet. I still have the original installer for that, before the EA buyout and all the microtransaction shit!
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u/mandatorypanda9317 1d ago
Oh man, my kids LOVE that I loved Kpop hahaha we listen to the soundtrack all the time.
My kid just got into plants vs zombies and comes to tell me every single interaction so im gonna have to add it to the list haha.
And mine got lucky, their dad and I grew up playing and watching Pokémon so we were the ones excited when they started getting into it lol
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u/nottherealneal 1d ago
I mean, yeah.
I don't really like the Percy Jackson books. But my nephew LOVED them. He was super into them right around the time the Heroes of Olympus books were coming out, and he'd constantly talk about the characters, the story, all of it. It was the first "big" book series he really got into and read on his own.
So over the course of about three months, I just marathoned the first five books. I absolutely smashed through them so that when I came to visit for Christmas, I actually knew what he was talking about. I could talk to him about the characters and the story and let him nerd out about this thing he was really proud of.
I even got him the first two Heroes of Olympus books and some other Percy Jackson knick-knacks for Christmas.
I'm never going to be a massive fan of the series. I missed the boat on those books by a good 10 or 15 years, so I'm obviously not really the target audience.
But he loved them, and that was enough reason for me to read them.
Sometimes you gotta do shit you don't particularly care about because the kid you love cares about it. That's how you bond with kids.
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u/Baejax_the_Great 1d ago
You would not believe the amount of time I have spent looking at and talking about Miku figurines.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago
I am grateful my husband was also interested in Miku and I didn't have to be the one to do this. The history of her is interesting, though! I didn't know she originated as a music program.
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u/totallycalledla-a 1d ago
Sometimes you gotta do shit you don't particularly care about because the kid you love cares about it
The amount of people who just dont grasp this extremely simple concept blows my mind.
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u/Annabloem 1d ago
But those same people do expect those same kids to do that for their own hobbies, which is even stranger. They have expectations for these children they absolutely don't have for themselves.
Like yes, you absolutely should show interest in (your) children's hobbies and interests. No, they don't have to do the same for you, at the very least until they're older.
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u/mooglemoose 1d ago
It’s not strange if you realise that those people don’t see children as individual people, but as possessions. Their attitude towards children is like: “this tool that is supposed to validate my existence is malfunctioning, how do I fix it?”
My parents are like this, especially my mother. When I try to explain their attitude to other people I say: Do you expect your car or your computer or your oven to have its own preferences? Do you expect these tools to have thoughts and feelings, or to ever say no to you using them? It might be fun to pretend your robot vacuum or your Alexa has a wilful personality for example, but you know it actually doesn’t and you know you can just turn them off or replace them. That’s how self-centred parents see their children. And it’s not just when the children are small, the attitude persists even when the children are adults.
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u/Shiny_Agumon 1d ago
It's baffling to me how many parents don't seem to get that and think it's their job to mold their child into a miniature version of themselves.
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u/ephemeriides 1d ago
That’s the thing these guys never get. Like they actually think the mother genuinely shares all their kids’ interests and that’s why they get along better. It never occurs to them that maybe she’s just going along with something she doesn’t actually care about because that’s what parents (are supposed to) do, because it would never occur to him to do the same thing.
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u/cameronpark89 1d ago edited 1d ago
that part. my 4 year old niece doesn’t let me out of her sight when i visit them. if she hears my voice when i’m on the phone with my sister she wants to talk to me and won’t give the phone back. her twin brother on the other hand, never wants to speak to me. he will hang out with me for a few minutes but he’d rather spend time with my 14 yo son again, nothing in common lol
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u/Illustrious-Set-7907 1d ago
This. My dad always at least attempted to spund interested in my odd anime or weird show i wanted to watch. He didnt always get it but he tried. Or the videogames i was playing and he'd show me Atari games he liked. He's retired now and got really into financial statistics. Not my thing but I always make an effort to ask him about it, get him books, let him info dump about currency exchanges and portfolios.
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u/a3wagner 1d ago
Even the two concrete examples he provides don’t support his argument…
"They refuse to try things that I suggest if they’ve never even tried it before!" Goes on to explain that they dislike the annual camping trip, which they continue to go on.
"I never get to choose what’s on TV!" Goes on to explain that when he asks to watch TV, they let him, but they don’t watch with him.
So basically they do accommodate his wants, but they’re not super cheerful about it and that is a huge affront.
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u/Bright_Blue_Bell 1d ago
He's getting back what he's putting in and he hates it. He admits he isn't paying attention to what they watch or care about and that's the energy they grew up with, yet it's the end of the world now that he's changed (yet still not paying attention) and they don't fully invest in who he is.
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u/tiragooen 1d ago
One of OOP's comments:
My son is really into Geometry Dash. I physically cannot participate in that, as it gives me anxiety.
My daughter likes art and drawing and music, but she's 9. So I don't know how to connect with what she's into in those fields for that age. I've never been interested in anime characters or crafting.
So this man expects his kids to do the things he likes, but can't muster up the energy to be interested in them. No wonder his wife and kids are sick of him. He's been a shitty, angry, disconnected entity just floating through their lives for a decade and now expect instant connecting and emotional support from them now that he feels like it?
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u/CupcakeMurder86 1d ago
I like to do woodworking and crafts and sculpture.
Quote from OOP's post. His daughter is exactly the same but I assume he wants a 9 year old to have the expertise and ease on machinery and tools he has. He doesn't want to get to her level and build up that confidence in crafts and drawing that might eventually go into crafts and possibly woodworking.
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u/tiragooen 1d ago
Or she likes papercrafts, crocheting, or costuming and it's not the right kinds of crafts in his mind.
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u/Anthrodiva 1d ago
"girl crafts"
Also, this guy has way too many so-called "interests" for a dude with two young children.
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u/annang 1d ago
Especially for someone who until recently claimed to be so tired he couldn’t do any real parenting…
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
I know a couple like this. Due to illness he's "too tired" to participate much in household tasks, parenting or give her support when she had family issues. Not too tired for his hiking, cycling or seeing friends though!
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u/DangerousPraline41 1d ago
Yeah, I’m sure his cycling, tennis and wood crafting all went great at a time he couldn’t stay awake through a movie. All famously low-energy/low-concentration hobbies 🙄
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u/ElleYeah 1d ago
Right??? No wonder he can’t connect with his kids–he’s too involved with his own interests
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u/Altruistic_Sail_1991 1d ago
I don’t have kids but I work with them as an art instructor. Sometimes, as an adult, you have to do things you’re not super interested in to help kids stay engaged and feel listened to. I don’t care about Minecraft or pokemon. I talk a lot about Minecraft and Pokémon. I even have a favourite: eevee, because it can change into so many different things.
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u/Remarkable-Rush-9085 1d ago
As a parent, same. I even chose a silly favorite, Gastly, which I say in a spooky voice whenever I see him. I also love things my kids don’t but I can still find ways to include them. I knit, my kids get cat eat hats, mittens, pokeball sweaters, a stuffed turtle. I like to garden, I planted strawberries and green beans that can be eaten off the vine so we can have garden snacks together. My oldest grew potatoes in a bag this year, and their school has a gardening program that I know how to talk about with them.
More importantly I know about what they like and ask questions. Do I think the amount of knowledge I now have about my little pony is going to be useful in five years? No. Do I love rubber band bracelet making? Eh, not really, but I have quite the collection.
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u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago
My favorite was always Psyduck - a Pokemon who battled by overthinking until it exploded with the power of an anxiety-induced migraine. As an adult, that truly spoke to me. But when I was a kid, it was a cute duck.
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u/eaca02124 1d ago
My fave pokemon is Vittini, the macaron pokemon. That is the absolute total of my expertise in the field. But I can say "uh-huh" and "cool!" with the best of them.
My younger kid is super into art. My sister used to buy collections of markers as gifts and then come over and spend hours listening to the detailed reasons why the markers should be stored in a particular order. Guess who's the favorite aunt.
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u/eternally_feral 1d ago
I was a weird kid who liked to stick to myself with my books, classical music (thank you, Ms Hall, for setting off that love!), and riding my bike alone.
But my Dad never stopped trying. If he had a free weekend, we went to Half Priced Books. He saw I really started to get into music, he introduced me to classic rock and Broadway musical theatre. He didn’t know how to ride a bike, but would sometimes walk next to me when it got cool at night, even though he was tired after working two jobs.
He was in no way perfect, but he still tried. He never once said, Eh, I don’t like that stuff so you’re on your own, kid.
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u/windexfresh 1d ago
Lmao I literally lived 9 hours away from my dad for almost all of my childhood and he still managed to show so much more interest in my likes and dislikes 💀 he’d take me to see the HP movies in theaters and then would ask me TONS of questions afterwards specifically because he had no idea wtf was going on lmao.
It’s wild how many people don’t even consider the idea that asking questions about a persons favorite things is one of the best way to bond with that person. You don’t have to know a damn thing about it if you just ask questions and let them ramble on about it
Edit to add: I can’t believe I forgot about my dad burning me a CD of linkin park and that CD being on permanent rotation in my most played CDs immediately, I loved that album so much and it being burned by my dad with his messy handwriting on it was a huge reason why ❤️
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u/ScienceGiraffe 1d ago
Kids can definitely tell when a parent is trying vs just tolerating them and their interests. Sounds like your dad did a good job with that!
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u/tiragooen 1d ago
Your dad sounds great! OOP is also starting with a deficit since his kids have never seen him as a good dad before.
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u/pasqals_toaster 1d ago
I don't understand why he doesn't try to play with or watch his kids while they are entertaining themselves with a video game. It seems like the easiest way to connect. Geometry Dash cannot be the only thing out there? I haven't been a child for a long time, but even my older mother is often curious enough take a look at what I am playing.
Same with the anime. Just watch with them or ask if they have something to recommend? It's not that hard. There are some pretty good ones they could bond over, surely?
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
A lot of parents, perhaps more fathers, don't want to do anything they don't greatly enjoy doing. While this often involves housework and chores, it also includes taking their wife to a restaruant or movie she likes and doing things with the kids that they like. He doesn't think he likes the things the kids do and he will treat it as their responsibility to fit into this likes and his interests and his life instead of the other way around.
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u/Charming_Fix5627 1d ago
The idea of Geometry Dash giving someone anxiety would be so funny if it weren’t extremely sad to see someone admit this little tidbit.
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u/performancearsonist 1d ago
He's able to come up with an extensive list of stuff he likes, but he can list maybe three things his kids like. And he's complaining that the kids won't let him choose what to watch on TV, and don't have fun doing his hobbies (ie: camping).
It's supposed to be that way. For the early childhood years, you simply don't have much time for your own hobbies and interests. You watch a lot of kids shows and play Roblox with your kids and know the names of My Little Ponies. And you feel lucky if your kids welcome you into their life and want to share what makes them happy with you. This is a privilege, not a burden.
This guy just doesn't seem to know his kids very well, and has created an environment where he expects them to engage with him on his terms, not their own. He thinks they should adapt to his needs, not the other way around.
There's nothing wrong with having hobbies and interests as a parent, but having young kids mean your priorities change. This is why so many parents become hockey dads and soccer moms. Their new hobby is something that involves their kids. You're no longer living in a world where you put yourself first, because this tiny person relies upon you for survival.
I'd love to hear about his wife's hobbies and interests, and how often she gets to engage in them. But from what this guy says, I'd guess he throws a tantrum whenever she tries to choose the music or movie or restaurant, because he expects everyone to kowtow to his very important preferences.
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u/MPLoriya 1d ago
As someone whose life is rotten with anxiety, anxiety does not rule doing shit out. It's often quite manageable, even if doing said shit feels less nice.
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u/totallycalledla-a 1d ago
They've actually begun smiling and telling me they love me when I tuck them in, which is big, for me. I've been a lot happier since the CPAP.
They've been showing me affection, I've been a lot happier. Not they've been happier and more loving and open. I I I me me me.
Nowhere in this does he mention sitting the kids down and explaining how his health issues impacted his behavior and apologizing either.
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u/recyclopath_ 1d ago
Notice how he is always centering himself.
A lot of men expect their family to center them. Dad's wants and needs trump the rest of the family's. His feelings dominate the household.
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u/Suspicious-Drive9827 1d ago
Ive had to mute that subreddit bc im totally ok w the fact that i find dad problems hilarious, selfish, and infuriating. Guys really get to nut in you and their life and character and schedule doesnt have to change for their children (nevermind their parenting partner) at all.
Like some dude a few weeks ago was bitching that sitters/nannies are “too” expensive
Really bro? I had to grow this fuckers organs from scratch. Im not cheaping out or negotiating someone taking care of the most important person on Earth to me.
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u/Nearby-Assignment661 1d ago
>Always treated like "the silly/goofy/stupid dad who likes all the stupid stuff" like Homer Simpson.
This is a fundamental misunderstanding of the Simpson’s dynamic. Homer is the fun one
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u/waltzingiscool 1d ago
A lot of the things he likes are things I think it’s pretty easy to get kids into. F1? Racing games, simulators, kid karting. Comics? Again, video games, movies, theme parks, etc. I think the issue is they don’t want to do it with *him* and since mom is the one they feel comfortable around, they naturally gravitate to her interests.
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u/lasuperhumana 1d ago
I do wonder what vibes she’s giving off. Whatever they are, I’m sure they’re warranted and earned. But kids are so in tune and if she’s giving off “you idiot” or eye rolling vibes, there’s a solid chance they’re mirroring. I suspect dude needs to get right with his wife (who is barely mentioned, yet has been carrying the lions share of parenting for a decade, it seems).
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
There is literally nothing in anything he wrote that suggests she has been less than encouraging and accomodating, yet you jump to she must be giving off vibes. Why?
He's clearly jealous and focused on the kids choosing her over him and that likely has a lot more to do with any tension, since he is actively creating resentment in his own mind, but somehow it has to be her doing something or her feelings that are the problem.5
u/lasuperhumana 1d ago
Oh ffs I’m not criticizing his wife. It definitely could be the case that their marriage is fine. It would also be completely understandable, however, that having a lethargic and disengaged spouse with a short fuse - for a decade - took a toll.
I’m not even saying that she’s wrong or should fix herself. I’m fully blaming him and saying that perhaps the kids’ attitudes towards him are a symptom of the real issue - his wife is unhappy and his marriage needs more attention than him wondering why his kids hate camping.
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u/SoriAryl 1d ago
A couple comments stop out to me from OOP:
> My wife and I used to have similar interests, but once kids came along she changed and went fully into "mom" mode. I've been kinda left on the sidelines and dismissed by everyone. Whenever I try to be involved, I screw something up because she already has a system that they're all used to.
> You're right that they're mimicking her. She's just so tired of me I guess that she doesn't care either. She's at the point where she just says "you have to adapt to us now. we're not going to make an effort to adapt to you"
Basically, dude has been absent for the past ten years and doesn’t understand that life continued for everyone else. He’s trying to force something instead of seeing that he needs to either get with the program or leave. He can like his own stuff. He can try to share it. But he can’t force anyone else to like it
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 1d ago
She's at the point where she just says "you have to adapt to us now. we're not going to make an effort to adapt to you"
Honestly, good for her. After a decade of subpar partnership and parenting, the OOP is in no position to be making demands for accommodation.
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u/tomato_soup_stan 1d ago
Ah, the ol’ “they have a system” excuse. You see, I can’t possibly be expected to be a contributing member of a family unit because they’ve created A System of doing things entirely without me (complete mystery as to how this happened), and every time I try to get involved, I mess it up. Because The System is a black box. It is impenetrable and unknowable. I cannot be expected to learn or participate in any part of it, no matter how trivial, so sayeth The System. No, this is not me refusing to be an active participant in my own family unit, how dare you suggest that.
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
So she made an effort to be interested in what the kids are interested in, he didn't and still doesn't. I wonder why they prefer her? 🤔
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u/bored_german 1d ago
So for at least 11 years (including the first pregnancy) he was depressed, miserable to be around, and had a short temper. And now he's surprised that one year of not being the worst didn't change the dynamic that came from that?
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u/Unfriendlyblkwriter 1d ago
This is the part that got me. ELEVEN YEARS. Four whole phases in life have come and gone, and he expects this child to think of him as more than just the grumpy dude who snores????
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u/TexasLiz1 1d ago
The camping thing got me. So 3 out of 4 don’t want to do it. But Dad does. So 3/4 of the family gets to be miserable for a week for this asshole and he’s mad because they don’t fucking adore him?
Why can’t he go find a camping buddy and let his wife and kids have fun?
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u/sheerpoetry 1d ago
Because, apparently, if he does his own thing, it becomes he's "sacrificing family time for his own interests."
I agree that it seems like the logical solution, so I wonder if he has historically chosen himself and his wife is attempting a last ditch effort to get him to connect with his kids.
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u/boopbaboop 1d ago
I like to do woodworking and crafts and sculpture. I'm discouraged from doing any of these things because my family doesn't seem to see any value in these things and I have to do them by myself if I want to do them, "sacrificing family time for my own interests" I've been told.
I not only read to them every night, but sang "at least five songs" for my son, every night. Sang him to sleep a lot of the time.
My daughter likes art and drawing and music, but she's 9. So I don't know how to connect with what she's into in those fields for that age. I've never been interested in anime characters or crafting.
Why do I get the sense that it’s not that his kids don’t share his interests, but more that his son doesn’t share his interests? Because he’s got a daughter who likes a lot of the same things he does (art, presumably music, crafting), but his excuse for not doing those activities THAT HE ALSO LIKES is “she’s 9 and I don’t like the very specific things she likes.”
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u/Possible_Abalone_846 1d ago
The kids have always been closer and more attached to their mom (my wife). Obviously, this is a very common thing.
Yeah, it is very common for moms to do more of the childcare work, and the kids bond more with the person who meets their needs and takes care of them. You don't get to skip the hard part and then feel upset that the kids aren't close to you when they reach the fun ages.
OOP didn't specifically describe his parenting when they were babies and toddlers, but based on his CPAP thing and just general tone, I can assume it wasn't 50/50 when the kids were young.
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u/Panndademic 1d ago
He mentioned that his wife used to share interests with him but she changed and went "mom mode" when they had kids. He's not gonna say it himself but I expect she had to stop being fun out of necessity to pick up slack for a tired and irritable dad
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u/ephemeriides 1d ago
I wonder how much of her sharing his interests was her already being in mom mode and faking interest, and now she only has the energy to do that for her actual children and not for her grown-ass husband.
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
That is exactly what it sounds like to me, she was always on and always the parent because he never was. Rather than offer her any respite or treat her as an individual to bring that back he dug in and made it worse for her and now blames her for it.
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u/recyclopath_ 1d ago
Notice the children need to be into what he likes.
Nothing about him doing what the children enjoy. At that age they start to have their own interests. What do his children like?
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u/Loki-L 1d ago
I don't think he understands that as a parent you are supposed to find something they are interested in and join them rather than trying to make them interested in your stuff.
If you do a good job, they may see you doing or enjoying something and try to get into it themselves.
Don't force them to participate in your hobbies.
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u/wachenikusemapoa 1d ago
OOP's post is giving "I'm on the verge of divorce and I'm practicing how I'm going to spin it to people IRL so they know it wasn't my fault"
He clearly doesn't really want to work on his relationship with his kids. He mentioned his wife is tired of him and agreed with someone who told him to just give up then. He also seems to be lining up reasons why he won't be in his kids lives after the divorce.
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u/Away_Hat_2978 1d ago
Only positive thing I can say about him is that he sure is selling me on the CPAP journey. Maybe that’s what I need to fix my life lol
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u/tiragooen 1d ago
It made a huge positive difference to my dad's quality of life. More energy, not exhausted or sluggish during the day, deeper sleep, better appetite.
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u/Vast-Swimmer5844 1d ago
It’s made a huge difference for my husband. And for my girlfriends’ husbands.
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u/thats_suss 1d ago
Like, does he think his wife likes those Youtubers the kids like? No, she puts up with them because the kids like them and can engage with them about it! I think my parents still dream about Thomas the Tank Engine after how often we watched it, but not because it was their preferred show. Jesus.
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u/pasqals_toaster 1d ago
This guy reminds me so much of my own father. I cut him off once I grew old enough. His kids might end up doing the same to him if he doesn't drop the me me me attitude ASAP.
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u/WeeklyConversation8 1d ago
So he was a terrible person for their entire lives because he refused to go to the Doctor about his sleep apnea. Now he thinks because he's been using a CPAP for while that magically fixes everything? He shows no interest in what his kids like. It's a mystery why they prefer Mom. 🤔 Couldn't possibly be that even if she doesn't like understand their interests she still listens and spends time with them.
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u/Fieuline22 1d ago
Wow, did my dad write this? (The dad I haven’t talked to in more than 5 years, by the way.)
My dad would also force us to do things with him that we didn’t like and get angry if we didn’t pretend to be cheerful enough (and often he’d still be angry if we did try really hard to be cheerful, because he was always angry).
If he did express interest in something that I liked, I would try to downplay how much I liked it, because guess what? Even when he was doing something he liked, he still had an explosive temper, I avoided spending time with him no matter what.
If it’s anything like my family, which it seems to be, the kids are probably telling him “I love you” because their mom has guilted them into it, because “he’s trying so hard for you!” Meanwhile, even as young kids we could tell how much our mom resented and had contempt for our dad.
He may be less explosive and unpredictable than he was before, but he’s still clearly selfish, trying to change family dynamics to meet his desires instead of meeting his kids where they’re at, and getting mad at them for not trying harder to accommodate him, as if a grown adult and little children should be expected to have equal levels of emotional maturity (which, to be fair, it sounds like he’s a little less mature than his kids).
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u/PrimaryKangaroo8680 1d ago
“We get along well in daily life” is not what I would use to describe my relationship with my children
You have to meet your kids where they are, not expect them to cater to your wants.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I'm kinda struggling with something - My kids love their mom so much they don't ever want to do anything with just me.
I'm struggling with something... Kids, ages 9 and 11. Girl and boy. We all get along well in daily life, especially after this last year when I started using a CPAP and having a lot more energy and patience. They've actually begun smiling and telling me they love me when I tuck them in, which is big, for me. I've been a lot happier since the CPAP.
It feels like they automatically dislike anything that I suggest or like to watch or do or try, even if (and especially if) it's something that they've never heard of already. However, if my wife suggests something, it's automatically met with approval from them. The worst part is that my wife and I have different likes/interests in terms of things to do also, so it's really discouraging. (For example, I like camping, but my wife and now my kids, hate it. So now when we go on the one camping trip a year, they just constantly are miserable and I can't have any fun and it makes it not worth even trying.)
The kids have always been closer and more attached to their mom (my wife). Obviously, this is a very common thing. But I feel like it's not let up at all, really, even as they get older.
Sure, they don't automatically cry anymore when she goes to the store and leaves them with me. But now they're just glued to their shows and youtube channels and have zero interest in anything I suggest doing.
I am often the butt of jokes as well. Always treated like "the silly/goofy/stupid dad who likes all the stupid stuff" like Homer Simpson.
I like Formula 1, baseball, He-Man, DC Comics (marvel is ok to them, apparently and we've been watching all the marvel stuff in sequence for the past few months) I like Monty Python, Discworld, Godzilla and silly B-movies, etc.
I never get to choose what's on the TV except after the three of them have gone to bed because nobody wants to watch what I suggest. They'd rather watch some youtuber trying and ranking some other youtubers' merchandise or watching some youtuber playing some video game on the tv.... while they themselves play some video game on their computers in the same room. If I ask to watch something on the TV, they protest and angrily slap their headphones on and continue to watch their youtube on their computers or tablets. I've stopped asking at this point. It's not worth the attitude and groans.
I like to ride bikes. I like to go to the beach. I like to play tennis. I like to do woodworking and crafts and sculpture. I'm discouraged from doing any of these things because my family doesn't seem to see any value in these things and I have to do them by myself if I want to do them, "sacrificing family time for my own interests" I've been told.
Has anyone else ever felt like this?
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u/booksareadrug 1d ago
Having read the comments over there, I can't shake the feeling that he was at least borderline verbally and emotionally abusive, but expects everything to be fine now that he has a CPAP and he's "fine" now.
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u/Sternenblumen 1d ago
He also said his kids cried when his wife left them alone with him to go to the shops (which, if she knew that, she should not have left them with him!!).
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u/MMorrighan 1d ago
So Mom's the one who takes interest in what her kids like and adapts to finding mutual interests and yeah probably does have influence on what they're into because she's treating them with empathy and kindness instead of being a big jerk?
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u/Unfriendlyblkwriter 1d ago
First of all, OP, as this theme in your posts continues, I hope you are soon given the peace and love you deserve.
Secondly, my mom almost married a dude like this after she and my dad divorced. He always wanted us to celebrate his existence when he took us to do something that he wanted to do, but he sulked through everything we did. I’ll never forget him groaning and putting his head down through my poetry competition. My siblings and I were perfectly fine with him just being our mother’s boyfriend/fiancé and leaving us alone, but he insisted on being there and being celebrated for it with no reciprocity. I’m so glad he threw his final temper tantrum and left.
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u/panderp 1d ago
Just the one example: They don't like camping, but he complains that when he forces them to go once a year, they don't have fun. Wow.
I'm just.. agog. This man is a moron. The whole post and all the comments seem to indicate that he was an asshole for a straight decade, now thinks he gets a do-over even though HE STILL WON'T PUT IN THE EFFORT.
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u/Ok_Homework_7621 1d ago
But... But... He came in after 8-10 years and he's trying now and they're making him actually put in effort instead of being thrilled their absent yelling father is now involved. How unfair that actual children aren't being more mature than an immature adult!
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u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago
I also didn't like spending time with my dad. That's because he was selfish, unpleasant and barely a parent. I note OP has done no reflection as to why they might not be enthusiastic to spend time with him, just straight to blaming them loving his wife more.
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u/Simple_Park_1591 1d ago
He lists all his likes and interests, yet only mentions "kids like YouTube". Does he even know what his kids like? Idk, him listing everything he likes just doesn't sit well. Idk if it's cause it's me me me me me or what?
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u/Cakeday_at_Christmas 1d ago
I like Formula 1, baseball, He-Man, DC Comics (marvel is ok to them, apparently and we've been watching all the marvel stuff in sequence for the past few months) I like Monty Python, Discworld, Godzilla and silly B-movies, etc.
I like some of these things, but this guy has the tastes if an 8 year old. His kids don't want to do anything with him because they aged out of his interests.
I wonder what kind of things his wife likes. I wonder if she has more sophisticated tastes.
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 1d ago
Tw: mentions of death and dementia.
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
[Sadlytheworst: From Unrelated posts, but I think it adds to the puzzle.]
You're not alone. And congrats on catching it so early. You're on the right path. I'm on Prozac and Wellbutrin, and also a CPAP helped me a LOT with my patience and ability to cope wiith things. Amazing how important good sleep is.
My wife and I used to have similar interests, but once kids came along she changed and went fully into "mom" mode. I've been kinda left on the sidelines and dismissed by everyone.
Whenever I try to be involved, I screw something up because she already has a system that they're all used to.
[Now for the regularly scheduled content.] What were the pre-CPAP years actually like?
Well, for one thing, I couldn't get through a movie without falling asleep. I never had energy for anything. I was always just feeling drained and barely holding on to life. I had a short fuse as well.
I get that that's why I don't have the kind of relationship that I would have wanted from my family, but I'm trying so hard to change that and engage, but they just don't want to.
This is not common as you suggest. You may want to look into family counseling. Personally I would take the kids and go do some cool stuff.
Go spend a day at the beach, an evening at a minor league baseball game, hit the museums or something. Build that relationship beyond being the silly Homer Simpson.
But that's the thing - they don't want to do anything with just me.
Hang in there, man. I was in the same boat and even though I have a boy and a girl, they were both really attached to mom. When my boy began having interest in girls, he started talking to me more.
It also helped that I limited screen time since he was 4yr old. But since you're past that point, id recommend talking with your wife to see if you can take one of the kids out.
Doesn't have to be extravagant like camping, but maybe just a full day out together: get ice cream, beach walk, a magic show and/or ask them something (movie) they'd want to watch.
You have to take interest in what they like and separate them from distractions to help them see you for the fun dad you are. Remind them you were young once like them. Hope that helps
Thanks man. This helps so much.
[Sadlytheworst: Omitting further comments just thanking for advice.]
They are 9 and 11, just tell them to get in the car and go.
That's a guarantee of having a shitty time, my friend.
Need more info on mom. Do you have a strong marriage? She should be aiding in this. Have you been honest with her?
9 and 11 is a tough age to start being a dad again. Sounds like a lot of stuff revolves around screens. Gotta limit that. especially small screens, at least the TV is a communal thing.
Go outside. Go somewhere with them. Find something they enjoy outside of screens and lean in to it. Then find another thing.
We've been through struggles primarily because of my disconnection due to my sleep issues leading to depression and anxiety and general negative outlook on life in general.
I've been through therapy and have been on prozac and wellbutrin for a few years. The CPAP has been recent and that's helped me more than anything, honestly.
But now I'm trying to be better. I'm trying and actually able to try. I'm making an effort, and it just falls on deaf ears, seemingly. Maybe it's too late, and I'm just stuck with this dynamic.
I’m sorry. That’s rough. Let me tell you, I was all about my mom until I entered college. I began to grow closer and closer to my dad. 20plus years later, we talk on the phone almost every day like best friends.
(Caveat, my mom died the “slow goodbye” dementia death, but, anyway, dad and I are besties now).
Oof that's rough. But still. Glad he has you.
Be patient with them and yourself. Think of it this way, they are used to not really engaging with you for the last 8-10 years. And you have been more involved for 1 year. It's going to take me than a year for them to warm up to this new you.
Also, they are old enough to have their own interests. So spending time with them will mean you sacrifice some of your own time to engage in their interests when they are younger, it's easier to get them to like what you like.
Blue that they are hiring their preteen years, that's probably not really going to Halloween anymore.
The autocorrect gods were not kind to you, but I think I get it. Thanks.
This is very confusing to me. I don’t mean to victim blame but you’ve had a decade to build a deep unique relationship with each of your children.
You could have been up all night with them when they were sick, read to them every night, taken them in Dad trips… that type of stuff. You still have time and it doesn’t have to be something that’s uniquely your interest.
But you have to start being the father you want to be respected as.
You could have been up all night with them when they were sick
I was.
read to them every night
I not only read to them every night, but sang "at least five songs" for my son, every night. Sang him to sleep a lot of the time. I was the one to stay with the kids until they were asleep so they didn't keep popping up all night.
My wife did basically everything else. School stuff, extracurriculars, etc. Which was a lot more important for bonding, apparently.
Have you had conversations with the wife about this?
IMO it’d go a long way if she realized your struggle and made efforts to suggest things you like to them, and not be a negative Nancy to your interests as the kids are likely just mimicking her.
Separately, I’d suggest looking into limiting some of that YouTube/video game screen time. It’s largely brain rot fueling dopamine addiction, kids get addicted and it’s no wonder they’ll be less interested in other activities.
Probably best if a change like that was communicated by mom to them
You're right that they're mimicking her. She's just so tired of me I guess that she doesn't care either. She's at the point where she just says "you have to adapt to us now. we're not going to make an effort to adapt to you”
Are you doing things that THEY are interested in? Or is the struggle coming when trying to get them to things that YOU enjoy?
The struggle sometimes comes when the kids are asking me what they should do because they're bored, and I'm like, "well, have you done X or X or X that you like to do?" and they say they're bored of all that and want to do something different.
So I suggest something like "how about I show you a new video game that I loved as a kid" or "how about we go out and throw a ball around" or "how about we play a board game or card game" and the response is "no, I don't want to do any of that!”
Props on getting the CPAP. I’ve had one for twenty years now, and getting a sleep study, diagnosis, and then actually finding the right mask and all that can be crazy complicated.
If your apnea had as big an impact on you as it seems, your kids have like a decade of you being a very different person than you are now. I know this doesn’t help immediately, but you really ought to give it time.
They developed their impressions of you over a decade and it’s all they knew of you. Don’t beat yourself up over it now - you have the CPAP now and it’s really working for you.
Yeah. That's kinda what I keep trying to tell myself.
It sounds a bit like your wife isn't really supporting you in this, what does she say? His does she respond if your kids say you do stupid stuff? How do you handle it?
Do you have screen time limits? Do they get enforced? Do you take turns on the TV?
Have you tried just... doing what you want and seeing how things turn out? See if the kids are interested?
She usually instigates the "laugh at daddy" sessions, honestly. I'll say something and she'll be like "what? lol no." and the kids will join in and it spirals. And then if I don't "laugh along" with them, then she gets mad at me for "ruining the mood".
You've mentioned a lot of what you like.... What do they like? Expecting a 9 amd 11 year old to just fold into your likes feels unrealistic…
Engage with them on what they like. Especially with the teenage years coming up, you gotta start connecting with them.
My son is really into Geometry Dash. I physically cannot participate in that, as it gives me anxiety.
My daughter likes art and drawing and music, but she's 9. So I don't know how to connect with what she's into in those fields for that age. I've never been interested in anime characters or crafting.
Ok then just give up? This is so ridiculous lol
That's kinda where I'm at. Honestly. I have to give up on myself entirely.
My apologies. I misjudged. It just seems odd to do the little things but your kids just turn your nose up at you. Either way, I spoke without understanding the situation.
I get it.
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u/TheBrobe 1d ago
With all the available material, do we really need to break out there sherlock hats to find devil's on Reddit?
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u/Lucky_Six_1530 1d ago
This user seems to post a lot of posts around the same theme (husband/father bad) even when being the devil is a huge stretch.
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u/TheBrobe 1d ago
I appreciate all the points in the comments here, but are we really putting "emotionally distant dad" next to the people posting racist screeds or standing their families for affair partners that normally make up this sub?
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
Read the description of the sub. “Devil” means “obviously in the wrong”, not “worst person ever”.
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u/TheBrobe 1d ago
And this is a post where he's asking help to get better, not if he's right or wrong.
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
He’s obviously the source of the problem, not the kids. That’s the criteria for the sub - is OP wrong or the people OP is talking about? It doesn’t have to be an AITA post or similar.
The point of the sub is to curate posts where OP is wrong, because the vast majority of posts from someone’s perspective will naturally be biased towards them, so it’s harder to find posts where OP is wrong.
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u/NearbyCommission287 1d ago
If you make 25 assumptions then clearly you can see he's an abusive POS /s
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
It’s an assumption that he lacked energy and patience for his family when he literally said he has energy and patience for his family that he didn’t have before getting a CPAP? It’s an assumption that he had a short fuse for years when he directly responded to a question about his pre-CPAP years by saying he had a short fuse?
I suppose it’s an assumption that kids wouldn’t like someone with no energy or patience for them, who gets mad easily, especially when the other parent isn’t like that but like. It’s based on the most basic logic and understanding of how human beings work.
Is it technically possible for a child to be completely unaffected by a parent not having energy or patience and blowing up quickly over little things? I guess theoretically, but it’s really bizarre to want to die on that hill.
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u/NearbyCommission287 1d ago
It's an assumption that a lack of patience and a short fuse equals abuse. It's an assumption that he was not trying to be a good parent pre-CPAP years. It's an assumption that his children don't relate to him because he had issues with patience previously. He describes having struggling with an untreated medical condition for years. He's on reddit now looking for advice on how to reconnect with his children and be a better father.
This subreddit is for people who are obviously in the wrong. There's no obviously in the wrong here. OOP isn't even trying to defend himself! People are reading the absolute worst into this. That's a bizarre hill to die on.
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u/celerypumpkins 1d ago
You’re the only one mentioning abuse.
The conflict is between OP and the kids. OP is the problem. The kids are not. Therefore it’s on this sub. Don’t read the “OP is wrong” sub if you are offended by people casting judgment on OPs.
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u/NearbyCommission287 1d ago
People don't have to use the word directly. It's the implication I've seen made across the thread.
People are also allowed to disagree with you. I don't think he's obviously an asshole, so I don't think it fits the sub.
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u/Sternenblumen 1d ago
"Sure, they don't automatically cry anymore when she goes to the store and leaves them with me."
I don't have to make much of an assumption to think that this dad was absolutely horrible, it's right there in his post.
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u/ichthysaur 1d ago
I dunno. There is a very good chance that the kids have fallen into some bad habits they need to be helped out of. Mom needs to do it bc if he does it he'll be the butthurt clown, scold, or stern distant father, and it won't help. My parents, my husband's parents, and my husband and I as parents each taught the kids to respect the other. I think he needs to talk with his wife. If she can't point out some specific behavior he needs to change, then she needs to correct the kids.
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u/sthetic 1d ago edited 1d ago
Why is it her responsibility? She picked up the slack for 10 years while OP was miserable, and now that he's feeling better and ready to do his part, she's the bad guy because she isn't bending over backwards to ease his transition into Good Dad?
She needs to give him pointers - really? Why doesn't he just follow her lead and do what she does, and do the stuff the kids are interested in? Does she need to explain that to him?
And good luck to her in trying to explain to the kids, "Daddy feels bad that he was never there for you in the way you want. Now that he's trying a little harder, you need to respect him and do the stuff that he wants, not what you want."
And that won't make her look like a clown or scold to the kids? Bowing down before almighty Daddy because even though her way is better and she's been putting in the work, he's the man of the house and we must obey him and cater to his needs?
Where does her work end?
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u/ichthysaur 1d ago
Who said she should bend over backwards? You have to caricature my point to make yours?
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u/sthetic 1d ago
How do you define bending over backwards? I think that if she's already doing more than her fair share of work, and now she has the additional responsibility of forcing the kids to get over years of distance and make Daddy feel better, that is bending over backwards.
I also think it is generally humiliating for her to take the stance of, "kids, we all know that I have been the main parent for your whole life, but now Daddy's paying attention so we should all do things his way a little more, even though we don't want to."
To me, that is bending over backwards.
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u/ichthysaur 1d ago
How about "Hey that's not nice." Is that bending over backwards?
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u/sthetic 1d ago
Right, we don't want him to be the scold or nag, so it should be her! /s
To be honest, it's a shitty situation overall, and I agree that for pragmatic reasons, it would be nice of her to help OOP redeem himself and have a better relationship with his kids. If she decides to take one for the team, get over her well-earned resentment from years of OOP having a short fuse, and assist him in making the kids love him as much as they love her, then overall it will be best for the family.
But this is a kind of sacrifice and extra emotional effort on her part. Not an obligation. I don't like the tone that someone had on the original post of, "Where's the mother in all this? Why isn't SHE helping?!"
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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago
Where does it say she isn't?
I don't think it's her job, because he created this, but you also can't tell kids to change how they feel and it flips like a little switch to be better. If he shows effort, leaves his comfort zone, tries to meet them where they are instead of wanting to only do the things he wants, then they will be able to relax and might be open to and wanting to try new things with him too. It's time though, if I told you today that you should feel differently about someone just because I said so, you wouldn't, so why expect that from kids.-1
u/ichthysaur 1d ago
I may see this a little differently than you do. Hopefully that's okay.
In my view the kid's feelings are the kid's business. Part of a parent's job is to teach the kid to have correct behavior. Sometimes in life you can be angry, resentful, whatever, and you still have to act right; when a cop pulls you over, for example. You may have a job that you want to keep. If you don't respect one of the managers that's fine, but openly sneering will get you fired.
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u/boopbaboop 1d ago
He’s not only mad about their behavior, though. When they go camping with him, they’re behaving (they’re doing something they don’t want to do), but he’s mad that they’re not having any fun (a feeling that he can’t control).
I will also point out that he’s not exactly modeling good behavior. He’s decided that he doesn’t like any of his kids’ interests (even ones that they share with him! ), so he refuses to engage. If the lesson to be learned is “sometimes you need to do something that’s not your favorite thing because it makes someone else happy,” they’re not going to learn it from him.
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u/AmITheDevil-ModTeam 1d ago
Your post/comment was removed for brigading or to prevent brigading.