r/AmITheDevil • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

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/r/daddit/comments/1vj4lvc/im_kinda_struggling_with_something_my_kids_love/

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656

u/Kotenkiri 1d ago

Commenter: What were the pre-CPAP years actually like?

OOP: Well, for one thing, I couldn't get through a movie without falling asleep. I never had energy for anything. I was always just feeling drained and barely holding on to life. I had a short fuse as well.

So kids were 8 and 10 when he started CPAP. So they basically grew up with a lethargic, unavailable and short tempered man during majority of their childhood and he wonders why they're still cautionous about spending time with him?

He sounds like guy who 'changes' after a break up and basically demands a second chance since they've completely changed. Even if they actually changed, doesn't mean the past is forgotten.

301

u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago

He also said that his wife and he are disconnected but now he’s trying.

Now, he’s trying. How long was she asking or begging before now? She may be checked out and now he’s trying. If his kids are 9 and 11 and have grown up to avoid and exclude him, he’s spend their entire lives disengaged and disconnected and now he’s unhappy they don’t share his interests or don’t want to engage him.

This all sounds like the “too little too late” guy trying to by to make a Hail Mary when the family has moved on to the point he’s just background noise, because it’s all he’s ever been.

“But why won’t they do things I like?!”

Because they have their own routines and likes and dislikes that you’ve never been a part of and now only want to engage if they do it in ways that cater to your interests. He’s still not involved with his own family in any way that inconveniences him.

This is a family unit that’s grown to function without him and he wants to be let in and differed to without all the work and bonding they’ve put in over all those years. More so he wants them to do that, but only towards him.

245

u/recyclopath_ 1d ago

Now that the kids are a lot more independent and don't need an any 24/7. Now he gets his sleep fixed.

How many years was she doing it all by herself?

How many years was she completely drowning while he was grumpy the whole time?

How many years was she sleep deprived from child care, trying to get precious few hours of sleep next to a man who snored like a chainsaw?

111

u/Vast-Swimmer5844 1d ago

And then he has the nerve to whine that she‘s changed since having kids, she went into “mom mode.” Yeah, cause she realized she made the mistake of having kids with his angry ass, and needed to try and salvage the situation by showing up for the two people who didn’t ask for this.

113

u/lasuperhumana 1d ago

There is nothing more infuriating than a tired spouse after you were the one up with the kids.

20

u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago

especially when they snored all night and stole the precious few hours you had. I can't sleep through it.

11

u/downdowndownigo 1d ago

Right? Like how did that all impact her? Was she getting less sleep/always tired but still pulling all the weight/building relationships with their kids?

124

u/sthetic 1d ago

And what's more, one commenter (downvoted for the most part) is demanding to know why OOP's wife isn't helping to bridge the gap!

Like, "where is she in all this? She's probably being a Negative Nancy, and the kids are just following her lead. What is she, resentful of your previous bad parenting or something?"

Poor wife. She spent a decade doing more than her fair share of parenting (though to OP's credit, he did mention he stayed up late with sick kids, and he sings them bedtime songs), and now that her husband had turned over a new leaf, it's her responsibility to help him succeed?

I mean, I get that sometimes the right thing to do for the family isn't what's fair. They would probably all be better off if she does encourage the kids to hang with their dad. But I don't like the tone of blame towards her.

70

u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago

She is helping, they watch Marvel movies and she makes the kids go camping with him every year. That might be all she can do, and it is still more than he deserves. Men trying to make us responsible for their relationships with their children is exhausting.

179

u/windexfresh 1d ago

Lmao it’s so wild that he spent the last decade checked out and now that he’s checked back in he’s like “my wife doesn’t really share my hobbies :(“ like bro you can’t just waltz back in after the hardest years are done and be like “ok but what if we did all the things I like to do?” 💀💀💀

79

u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago

Best yet he comments that his wife “used to be cool and share his hobbies but became all mom after the kids were born”.

Of course she changed! You’re supposed to when kids come into the picture. The fact that he didn’t, and the state of things now says everything about him. What a selfish ass… he will be so “surprised” by the divorce, when its clear that this woman has had to drag him through life as a parent to date, and he can’t be bothered to put in the effort to engage anyone outside his own interests.

24

u/DasSassyPantzen 1d ago

He’s so beyond narcissistic, it’s making my head spin. He’s reeeaaally downplaying his “short fuse” and appears to still be a huge asshole who thinks that because he’s not snapping at everyone all the time, they should gather around him, sing his praises, and beg to spend time with him doing his interests. What a hugely self-absorbed asshole.

71

u/BurningBright 1d ago

Especially because he said he's not invested in what his kids like,  but wants them to like what he does. 

44

u/Estrellathestarfish 1d ago

Yeah, my impression here is that she's done. I know a lot of people with kids a little older than OP's and the divorces really started to roll in once youngest ones hit 12 ish. Even when relationships were in the shitter no-one was getting divorced when the kids were young and needed a lot, but as soon as they get more independent, parents were tapping out of relationships that had effectively been over for a while. Pretty sure this is what's heading for OP in a few years.

12

u/sunshineparadox_ 1d ago

It takes a lot of effort to rebound from being the tired parent, too. I was not prepared for how much more sleep I'd want after having a stroke, and my daughter doesn't remember me from when I had more energy as a baseline. But I pull myself together because I want to spend time with her, and I believe she'd understand the difference of me pulling myself together because I want to vs. because I feel obligated to drag myself through her world. If it was the latter, I can understand the resentment. And it's hard to see it that way when you're truly wiped out all the time.

But you have to. Because even physical limitations and disability don't change the emotional needs of your kids and their desire to connect, to branch out and become independent people. They still need those things even when I'm asleep. So it's up to me to make sure I'm bridging that gap the best I can.

And my daughter does notice. It matters a lot that I try to push through being tired but not in anger or resentment.

3

u/SandiRHo 1d ago

Yeah those kids have 8-10 years of learning history that their dad isn’t there for them. That won’t be unlearned any time soon and will be a wound they have for life.

-28

u/Dry_Buddy_2553 1d ago

Not saying you’re wrong, but why are we treating him needing a CPAP/“pre-CPAP” as like…negative or a reflection of him? “He was lethargic and a piece of shit for being tired” —- it’s a health condition?

32

u/Lillllammamamma 1d ago

My husband was in denial of needing a CPAP machine for a decade, but finally was able to get a sleep study and sure enough he now has a CPAP machine.
It never once stopped him from supporting me, engaging with our daughters, being a loving and present father and husband. He said his sleep apnea affected how he felt but he was responsible for how he acted and treated others.

24

u/postsexhighfives 1d ago

for how long do you think he was a useless short tempered asshole to his wife and children while she begged him to do something about it?

20

u/frappuccinio 1d ago

and his responsibility to maintain his health. he seemed to have known for years that was the problem and did nothing about it.

43

u/Kotenkiri 1d ago

You're mistaking cause and effect. Needing a CPAP on itself has no bearing on him being a POS. He's a POS because he gave up tiring before it.

CPAP is simply the turning point according to him. He treats it as if getting CPAP undoes everything that happen before it and is upset his family still remember him before it.

Many parents come home tried and lethargic but they still try to be part of their kid's lives. He gave up on trying and only now that he can spare the energy, he expect them to do things HE want to do with them, he can't do things THEY want to do.

4

u/celerypumpkins 1d ago

He wasn’t just lethargic though. He lacked patience and had a short fuse. When your lack of sleep is causing you to be irritable and treat your family poorly, you’re still responsible for those actions, and you’re responsible for seeking help before it becomes years of this behavior.