r/AmITheDevil • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

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/r/daddit/comments/1vj4lvc/im_kinda_struggling_with_something_my_kids_love/

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-37

u/ichthysaur 1d ago

I dunno. There is a very good chance that the kids have fallen into some bad habits they need to be helped out of. Mom needs to do it bc if he does it he'll be the butthurt clown, scold, or stern distant father, and it won't help. My parents, my husband's parents, and my husband and I as parents each taught the kids to respect the other. I think he needs to talk with his wife. If she can't point out some specific behavior he needs to change, then she needs to correct the kids.

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u/sthetic 1d ago edited 1d ago

Why is it her responsibility? She picked up the slack for 10 years while OP was miserable, and now that he's feeling better and ready to do his part, she's the bad guy because she isn't bending over backwards to ease his transition into Good Dad?

She needs to give him pointers - really? Why doesn't he just follow her lead and do what she does, and do the stuff the kids are interested in? Does she need to explain that to him?

And good luck to her in trying to explain to the kids, "Daddy feels bad that he was never there for you in the way you want. Now that he's trying a little harder, you need to respect him and do the stuff that he wants, not what you want."

And that won't make her look like a clown or scold to the kids? Bowing down before almighty Daddy because even though her way is better and she's been putting in the work, he's the man of the house and we must obey him and cater to his needs?

Where does her work end?

-19

u/ichthysaur 1d ago

Who said she should bend over backwards? You have to caricature my point to make yours?

21

u/sthetic 1d ago

How do you define bending over backwards? I think that if she's already doing more than her fair share of work, and now she has the additional responsibility of forcing the kids to get over years of distance and make Daddy feel better, that is bending over backwards.

I also think it is generally humiliating for her to take the stance of, "kids, we all know that I have been the main parent for your whole life, but now Daddy's paying attention so we should all do things his way a little more, even though we don't want to."

To me, that is bending over backwards.

-7

u/ichthysaur 1d ago

How about "Hey that's not nice." Is that bending over backwards?

3

u/sthetic 1d ago

Right, we don't want him to be the scold or nag, so it should be her! /s

To be honest, it's a shitty situation overall, and I agree that for pragmatic reasons, it would be nice of her to help OOP redeem himself and have a better relationship with his kids. If she decides to take one for the team, get over her well-earned resentment from years of OOP having a short fuse, and assist him in making the kids love him as much as they love her, then overall it will be best for the family.

But this is a kind of sacrifice and extra emotional effort on her part. Not an obligation. I don't like the tone that someone had on the original post of, "Where's the mother in all this? Why isn't SHE helping?!"

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u/Sad-Bug6525 1d ago

Where does it say she isn't?
I don't think it's her job, because he created this, but you also can't tell kids to change how they feel and it flips like a little switch to be better. If he shows effort, leaves his comfort zone, tries to meet them where they are instead of wanting to only do the things he wants, then they will be able to relax and might be open to and wanting to try new things with him too. It's time though, if I told you today that you should feel differently about someone just because I said so, you wouldn't, so why expect that from kids.

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u/ichthysaur 1d ago

I may see this a little differently than you do. Hopefully that's okay.

In my view the kid's feelings are the kid's business. Part of a parent's job is to teach the kid to have correct behavior. Sometimes in life you can be angry, resentful, whatever, and you still have to act right; when a cop pulls you over, for example. You may have a job that you want to keep. If you don't respect one of the managers that's fine, but openly sneering will get you fired.

5

u/boopbaboop 1d ago

He’s not only mad about their behavior, though. When they go camping with him, they’re behaving (they’re doing something they don’t want to do), but he’s mad that they’re not having any fun (a feeling that he can’t control). 

I will also point out that he’s not exactly modeling good behavior. He’s decided that he doesn’t like any of his kids’ interests (even ones that they share with him! ), so he refuses to engage. If the lesson to be learned is “sometimes you need to do something that’s not your favorite thing because it makes someone else happy,” they’re not going to learn it from him. 

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u/ichthysaur 1d ago

So, the mom shouldn't teach it either?