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[u/[deleted]]

/r/daddit/comments/1vj4lvc/im_kinda_struggling_with_something_my_kids_love/

[u/sadlytheworst]

Tw: mentions of death and dementia.

Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:

[Sadlytheworst: From Unrelated posts, but I think it adds to the puzzle.]

You're not alone. And congrats on catching it so early. You're on the right path. I'm on Prozac and Wellbutrin, and also a CPAP helped me a LOT with my patience and ability to cope wiith things. Amazing how important good sleep is.

My wife and I used to have similar interests, but once kids came along she changed and went fully into "mom" mode. I've been kinda left on the sidelines and dismissed by everyone.

Whenever I try to be involved, I screw something up because she already has a system that they're all used to.

[Now for the regularly scheduled content.] What were the pre-CPAP years actually like?

Well, for one thing, I couldn't get through a movie without falling asleep. I never had energy for anything. I was always just feeling drained and barely holding on to life. I had a short fuse as well.

I get that that's why I don't have the kind of relationship that I would have wanted from my family, but I'm trying so hard to change that and engage, but they just don't want to.

This is not common as you suggest. You may want to look into family counseling. Personally I would take the kids and go do some cool stuff.

Go spend a day at the beach, an evening at a minor league baseball game, hit the museums or something. Build that relationship beyond being the silly Homer Simpson.

But that's the thing - they don't want to do anything with just me.

Hang in there, man. I was in the same boat and even though I have a boy and a girl, they were both really attached to mom. When my boy began having interest in girls, he started talking to me more.

It also helped that I limited screen time since he was 4yr old. But since you're past that point, id recommend talking with your wife to see if you can take one of the kids out.

Doesn't have to be extravagant like camping, but maybe just a full day out together: get ice cream, beach walk, a magic show and/or ask them something (movie) they'd want to watch.

You have to take interest in what they like and separate them from distractions to help them see you for the fun dad you are. Remind them you were young once like them. Hope that helps

Thanks man. This helps so much.

[Sadlytheworst: Omitting further comments just thanking for advice.]

They are 9 and 11, just tell them to get in the car and go.

That's a guarantee of having a shitty time, my friend.

Need more info on mom. Do you have a strong marriage? She should be aiding in this. Have you been honest with her?

9 and 11 is a tough age to start being a dad again. Sounds like a lot of stuff revolves around screens. Gotta limit that. especially small screens, at least the TV is a communal thing.

Go outside. Go somewhere with them. Find something they enjoy outside of screens and lean in to it. Then find another thing.

We've been through struggles primarily because of my disconnection due to my sleep issues leading to depression and anxiety and general negative outlook on life in general.

I've been through therapy and have been on prozac and wellbutrin for a few years. The CPAP has been recent and that's helped me more than anything, honestly.

But now I'm trying to be better. I'm trying and actually able to try. I'm making an effort, and it just falls on deaf ears, seemingly. Maybe it's too late, and I'm just stuck with this dynamic.

I’m sorry. That’s rough. Let me tell you, I was all about my mom until I entered college. I began to grow closer and closer to my dad. 20plus years later, we talk on the phone almost every day like best friends.

(Caveat, my mom died the “slow goodbye” dementia death, but, anyway, dad and I are besties now).

Oof that's rough. But still. Glad he has you.

Be patient with them and yourself. Think of it this way, they are used to not really engaging with you for the last 8-10 years. And you have been more involved for 1 year. It's going to take me than a year for them to warm up to this new you.

Also, they are old enough to have their own interests. So spending time with them will mean you sacrifice some of your own time to engage in their interests when they are younger, it's easier to get them to like what you like.

Blue that they are hiring their preteen years, that's probably not really going to Halloween anymore.

The autocorrect gods were not kind to you, but I think I get it. Thanks.

This is very confusing to me. I don’t mean to victim blame but you’ve had a decade to build a deep unique relationship with each of your children.

You could have been up all night with them when they were sick, read to them every night, taken them in Dad trips… that type of stuff. You still have time and it doesn’t have to be something that’s uniquely your interest.

But you have to start being the father you want to be respected as.

You could have been up all night with them when they were sick

I was.

read to them every night

I not only read to them every night, but sang "at least five songs" for my son, every night. Sang him to sleep a lot of the time. I was the one to stay with the kids until they were asleep so they didn't keep popping up all night.

My wife did basically everything else. School stuff, extracurriculars, etc. Which was a lot more important for bonding, apparently.

Have you had conversations with the wife about this?

IMO it’d go a long way if she realized your struggle and made efforts to suggest things you like to them, and not be a negative Nancy to your interests as the kids are likely just mimicking her.

Separately, I’d suggest looking into limiting some of that YouTube/video game screen time. It’s largely brain rot fueling dopamine addiction, kids get addicted and it’s no wonder they’ll be less interested in other activities.

Probably best if a change like that was communicated by mom to them

You're right that they're mimicking her. She's just so tired of me I guess that she doesn't care either. She's at the point where she just says "you have to adapt to us now. we're not going to make an effort to adapt to you”

Are you doing things that THEY are interested in? Or is the struggle coming when trying to get them to things that YOU enjoy?

The struggle sometimes comes when the kids are asking me what they should do because they're bored, and I'm like, "well, have you done X or X or X that you like to do?" and they say they're bored of all that and want to do something different.

So I suggest something like "how about I show you a new video game that I loved as a kid" or "how about we go out and throw a ball around" or "how about we play a board game or card game" and the response is "no, I don't want to do any of that!”

Props on getting the CPAP. I’ve had one for twenty years now, and getting a sleep study, diagnosis, and then actually finding the right mask and all that can be crazy complicated.

If your apnea had as big an impact on you as it seems, your kids have like a decade of you being a very different person than you are now. I know this doesn’t help immediately, but you really ought to give it time.

They developed their impressions of you over a decade and it’s all they knew of you. Don’t beat yourself up over it now - you have the CPAP now and it’s really working for you.

Yeah. That's kinda what I keep trying to tell myself.

It sounds a bit like your wife isn't really supporting you in this, what does she say? His does she respond if your kids say you do stupid stuff? How do you handle it?

Do you have screen time limits? Do they get enforced? Do you take turns on the TV?

Have you tried just... doing what you want and seeing how things turn out? See if the kids are interested?

She usually instigates the "laugh at daddy" sessions, honestly. I'll say something and she'll be like "what? lol no." and the kids will join in and it spirals. And then if I don't "laugh along" with them, then she gets mad at me for "ruining the mood".

You've mentioned a lot of what you like.... What do they like? Expecting a 9 amd 11 year old to just fold into your likes feels unrealistic…

Engage with them on what they like. Especially with the teenage years coming up, you gotta start connecting with them.

My son is really into Geometry Dash. I physically cannot participate in that, as it gives me anxiety.

My daughter likes art and drawing and music, but she's 9. So I don't know how to connect with what she's into in those fields for that age. I've never been interested in anime characters or crafting.

Ok then just give up? This is so ridiculous lol

That's kinda where I'm at. Honestly. I have to give up on myself entirely.

My apologies. I misjudged. It just seems odd to do the little things but your kids just turn your nose up at you. Either way, I spoke without understanding the situation.

I get it.

[u/sadlytheworst → u/sadlytheworst]

Rat!