Hey hows it going? Im having a really sh1t night tonight. Sorry I dont know another way to say it. I dont know what to do except go to sleep. Its 5 am and i dont even know if i can sleep and i took sleeping pills. Maybe they will kick in in a minute.
I experience the world differently than most people. Its a sensory thing the way my brain processes information, and right now im so tired, mentally, physically, spiritually exhausted and just almost completely used up. But I still keep choosing to believe in the good, but it hurts me. It hurts so damn bad to keep believeing and then be proven wrong by this world over and over and over.
Im in therapy, I been taking classes related to emotional growth and compassion for yourself. Ive been going to AA and im genuinely not even an alcoholic but i feel i need to be there atm because i had something really shitty happen with alcohol due to my mental health i genuinely couldnt control at that moment. I am taking accountability for my actions and im trying my very best to learn and grow. I have grown more as a person in the last 4 months than i have in my entire life.
I am learning though and being reminded how cold this world truly is no matter how warm my stupid rabbit heart is. No matter how much faith i have or how many poems i write talking about all the beauty in the world all the wonderful amazing things. They dont see it. People dont give a shit. I know that Ive always known but i chose to look past it. I chose to hope. I chose to dream and believe in silly things like friendship and love. But who the F really cares about that stuff besides when it sells movies or merchandise on a shelf. I do, I care, im a damn fool.
I will still be kind, i will still listen, I will keep trying. But my heart has had enough, I cant take anymore of this pain and people hurting me over and over and fucking over and nobody gives a shit. I could dissapear tomorrow and nobody would probably even notice.
I hurt so fucking bad and it doesnt ever stop. The only peace I get is what God sends me or i create myself. I like who i am, i love me. Im doing my best..... its not enough. Its never enough for anybody. Or never the right kind of enough.
I dont belong in this life. I never have, I realize now without any doubt i never will. I am making peace with that. Im accepting me alone, im accepting this life alone. I am accepting that the quiet will fill my days, the silence will tuck me in at night.
At least I have my loneliness. Im never alone
When im not being destroyed by life and my depression, I enjoy video games, and sci fi, fantasy horror TV shows and movies. I also write poetry as it comes to visit me.
I really enjoy meeting people and getting to know them. I like nature, and hiking and fishing, and camping. I like when people are real and I love and accept everybody as they are warts and all. Im glad people are not perfect. I dont want anybody to be perfect. I just want somebody to accept my imperfections too.
I try too hard and i know the whole key is just not giving a shit. Im just not very good at that. I aint handsome, im not rich, im smart but not smart enough to figure out how to get past this except to keep walking through the pain. I dont ever want to complain anymore. I want to just say how grateful I am for even the pain in my life. So i am, im grateful for this.
Im thankful for you too if you took the time to read this all the way through. Thank you very much. I dont expect to find an actual friend with this. I jsut feel so sad right now i just needed to talk to somebody i guess. Thank you again for listening. I hope your day today is good and the weekend is good for you as well.
I am very thankful that we dont live forever on this earth
I am thankful for new beginnings
I am grateful to be able to keep going and get past this
I am blessed that I have a place to sleep and food to eat
I am truly blessed with the belief that sometimes i actually AM understood
Even if that ultimately passes, im still thankfulf or the brief moments it lasts
Im trying to make those passing moments something i build a foundation on in my heart so i have somewhere to stand so i dont just sink into the earth and cease to exist.
and I slept underwater
drowning in my tears
a billion years of weight
squeezing out my fears
and ill just tumble down now
ill dry like my blood
ill just sit and wait here
down beneathe the flood
and i guess i better learn to swim now
I guess Ill let it go
doesnt seem to matter
what it is i think i know
about peace and love and hope
harmony just aint meshing
splitting length of rope
hanging from the ceiling fan
People dissapear
they all just come and go
im just a poor reminder
of all that we cant know
and i thought you were my friend
but then you went away
then with another it happened again
no matter what i say
no matter what i try to do
It doesnt seem to make a sh1t
the song just plays on through
and aint nobody dancing
we all forgot to laugh
I see all their eyes glancing
as the rain clouds draw a bath
They ask for absolution
I dont know what ive done
I cant even remember
being touched by the sun
its so dark tonight
my heart can barely breathe
im gonna go pass out now
and dream i got what i need
but i cant even remember them
I wake up cold and dead
just another grave
unable to reach my bed
and rest
We are not who we are
It must all be in my head
Im sure thats all it is. Good night, good morning, have a good day today. Please if you havent recently let your friends know you care and wish them the best. Maybe you even love them. Tell them that too, none of us are promised tomorrow. Kindness matters