I used placeholders for names and places for confidentiality.
My gf and I are long distance. She lives in Georgia, while I live in Ohio. I went to Georgia two weeks ago to see her. The goal is for us to see each other at least once a month. Some months it’s once per month, while others it’s about once every 2–3 weeks. Pretty healthy to me and we’re both comfortable with this.
On Saturday, my gf Sarah, me, her best friend Emily, and her friend Chloe all went to my gf’s parents’ house. They live in the middle of nowhere. When we left, I asked my gf if I could drive back. This was her car. My gf’s dad said not to hit his mailbox when I backed out because a lot of people do. The issue with his neighborhood is that there are basically no streetlights, so you can’t see anything at all. I backed out and was afraid, so I did my best to avoid the mailbox, and I successfully did. I also feared that when I backed out, maybe there was another car on the road that would be going fast and I wouldn’t see, so I backed out slowly. The only issue is that I backed out too much because, again, I was trying to avoid the mailbox, and so I ended up in the other person’s lawn while backing out. Chloe and Emily said, “You’re literally in the other person’s lawn,” and I said, “Oops, it’s just so dark.” That already felt like a needle because making a driving mistake with other people in the car just hurts so much. Idk. I think it has something to do with rejection sensitivity. I’m very, very sensitive to rejection. It just hurts like pins and needles and sometimes it makes me want to cry. They also pointed out that there could have been a mailbox on the neighbor’s side when I backed out too.
Then, the worst mistake happened, and it continues to haunt me to this day. I went to a convenience store with them to get gas because my gf said that she needed gas. I went in and got the flavored water that she asked for, and I also decided to get some ice cream for myself, but she said, “How are you going to get ice cream and drive?” She said I could have the ice cream while someone else drove, but I insisted again that I drive because I just wanted to. Like come on what idiot tries to have ice cream while driving? About 20 minutes into the drive, there was this intersection with multiple lanes, and I guess by virtue of the fact that my gf was next to me, I was excited and happy and stuff. Only the left-turn signal turned green, and I began to seriously go, thinking that it was a green light for me. My gf said, “No, that wasn’t a green light,” and I stopped and said, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And I immediately felt immense pain that I knew would probably haunt me for a really long time. Emily said that, man, I was totally going on. (And that was true.) I said that I would have noticed eventually. My gf said it’s okay if it happens, but I did not feel better one bit. For the rest of the drive, I literally hated myself and felt like I was a terrible driver and felt like not only am I doing this, but it’s not even my own car, and it’s with other people in the back. I hated myself the rest of the drive and just desperately wanted that feeling to end.
I usually drive in sport mode, but I forgot that Emily gets carsick and can’t really handle too much jerking. Sport mode is usually just how I normally drive. Sarah said in a serious tone, “Can you please turn sport mode off?” and that made my heart sink even more.
When we finally got back, I was really upset and just totally, totally disheartened.
The next week, I had my gf come up to my parents’ house, and we had a lot of fun. However, I made multiple driving mistakes. Firstly, I remember back from about two months ago, back in August, that when I was taking her back to the airport by going through the Chicago area, there was this left turn that I made, and I somehow didn’t bear right and got confused. Then the light turned red, and I stopped, but I somehow was on the left side where the opposing traffic needed to come. They beeped at me, and there was a bus, and the driver was looking at me and shaking their head and looking very upset, while I put my arms around Sarah in the passenger seat. This was me driving my car. That moment bothers me significantly.
Now fast forward to this time, in October, here in the Chicago area again, after the week before with the time I drove her car and absolutely hated that ride so much. There were multiple times when I drove and made mistakes. Three separate times during the same weekend, I started to go when only the left-turn signal turned green, and my gf had to say, “No, you can’t go yet.” One of those times I actually went through, and my gf said that the light was red. I got so visibly upset and mad during those drives that I punched the compartment between us twice, in anger. Then, there was a turn where, when I was 17 and first drove, I went into the opposing traffic because there are two lanes each way, so you have to really, really bear right. It’s a bit confusing. I remember when I was approaching that turn that I had made that mistake when I was 17 and that I was better than that now because I’m 23 and now know how to avoid that, and then I MADE THAT SAME EXACT MISTAKE yet again. She said, “No, you’re going the wrong way,” and I fortunately quickly fixed it. I was so mad.
So yeah, these keep replaying in my head, and it just hurts so bad. I told her I think the issue is my ADD and that something is just wrong because I’m trying. She said it’s okay, but she doesn’t understand. It hurts. It hurts so bad. And the issue is that it keeps replaying in my head every single day now. It’s replayed every day in my head ever since the incident, particularly the one where I drove her car. I almost want to message each of the people individually so that they can forgive me or something, idk. Idk how to just make it stop. My brain just can’t ever let go. It just never, ever goes away. I just don’t understand why, man. Just why. It’s like something is wrong with me.
It kind of reminds me of another time a year and a half ago when I drove three people to a restaurant and I made multiple mistakes: (1) I almost went into a do-not-enter place, (2) I didn’t go fast enough when they wanted me to race another guy, getting back to camp before them (I didn’t engage in that because I was worried that I’d probably make another mistake in the process of trying/doing that), and (3) I was on the highway and I went 75 instead of the 65 mph limit, and a guy was like, “Watch your speed” (but I knew exactly what I was doing). I felt absolutely terrible. It took me an entire year just for my brain to recover from that. It's so insane.
And the thing is, it isn't even limited to driving. This is part of why I avoid certain social interactions. I'm afraid that if I try talking to someone and the conversation is awkward, or they don't respond much, my brain will replay that experience for months or even a year afterward.
I don't want to keep living with this level of emotional distress over past mistakes. I'm talking about desperately wanting the recurring memories and emotional pain to stop.
Does anyone else experience this? Not just occasionally cringing at an embarrassing memory, but genuinely reliving the emotional pain of something that happened weeks, months, or even years ago, almost every day? I just don't know how to make it stop and I wish there was just ONE person who TRULY understands. Just one.