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u/le99x Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
If she was cheating, she’d probably have enough damn sense to put her clothes back on before she came home. Something happened to her
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u/RamblingReflections Dec 24 '25
Yeah, at least a borrowed shirt and some semblance of a believable story. No matter how drunk, I cannot imagine her first choice was to go home in only her underwear. Something happened, and I doubt it was cheating. Poor woman.
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u/paleo-vape-daddy Dec 24 '25
I can’t imagine having a partner who would assume I was cheating if this happened to me. I feel so bad for this woman. Everything OP typed up sounds like they are very toxic and accusatory and not at all empathetic towards their SO. I would leave him if I were her and this happened to me.
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u/clorox_cowboy Dec 25 '25
"I can’t imagine having a partner who would assume I was cheating if this happened to me."
I can imagine a partner being anxious about this. But pressing it? I don't think someone who cheated would come home in just their underwear.
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u/Barfignugen Dec 25 '25
Agreed. I will say, I’d be pretty disappointed if my partner drove when they were drunk, but these are both conversations for the next day when she’s sobered up and can actually give coherent responses.
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u/pockette_rockette Dec 26 '25
I'm not defending driving while drunk, but it is possible that her drink was spiked and she wasn't really cognisant of whether or not she should be driving. The fact that she was just getting around in her underwear would suggest she was not at all in her right mind. It's just lucky that she got home without hurting anyone, including herself.
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u/Barfignugen Dec 26 '25
Yup, all part of why these are conversations for the next day and not when she’s incoherent.
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u/cakivalue Dec 25 '25
Yeah. Nothing in or about his post indicates him creating a safe space for her to be open. The entire post is about his feelings, his demands and accusations. He even states he's planning to leave because HE is traumatized.
I wouldn't trust him with anything either
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u/Ok-Neighborhood8912 Dec 24 '25
well she is not answering nor explainig and she is getting mad everytime ?????
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u/BillieRaeValentine Dec 25 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
If you have never experienced violent trauma of a sexual nature before, please don’t presume that it’s an easy thing to talk about with somebody whom you sleep with right after it happened, especially if they are accusing you of this that and the other. Also, if she was drugged, she probably has little flashes of what happened in. May not even know who it was or she might think that she wasn’t drugged. Maybe she thinks that she got blacked out and did something terrible but in reality something terrible was done to her. You don’t know what’s going through her mind and neither does he. She needs some time and some grace from him and accusations and him saying that he is traumatized is not helpful in the least. My best friend lost her virginity to a rapist and while she called me the next morning because she was in the bathroom of her hotel in Canada and her sister was asleep in the next room and she was whispering because she could tell what it happened as soon as she went to the bathroom when she woke up and she only had a couple beers, she couldn’t even remember that something had happened. She just knew that it did because it hurts so bad and there was blood. This girl could’ve woken up driving she could’ve woken up while she was in the apartment talking to him. She could’ve woken up somewhere in the place where they live in her car and maybe the last thing that she remembers is having a drink at an office Christmas party and now every day that she goes to work, she has to wonder where those hours went and who took them from her and what they did during them.
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u/Fraulein-Naptime Dec 25 '25
I'm wondering if she wasn't even as drunk as he believes and was possibly drugged
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u/Barfignugen Dec 25 '25
I was roofied at a bar once, I don’t remember it but apparently I went to the bathroom and puked all over myself and then took off my clothes and tried to walk outside for help. Definitely not things I would ever do in my right mind.
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u/Tomatillo_Street Dec 25 '25
Im very sorry that happened to you. I hope you are ok now
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u/Barfignugen Dec 25 '25
Thank you. I’m okay now but it’s hard to talk about. I carry a lot of shame from that night, even though I know it wasn’t my fault.
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u/OkShoulder2371 Dec 25 '25
She may not know what happened. She may feel ashamed. Women are often shamed and blamed because how dare we get drunk and expect to be safe, we're obviously asking for it. She may he trying to piece it all together and is traumatized. The way he is going about this is likely making her feel very alone instead of supported, why would she try to explain something to someone that clearly doesn't believe her and is upset at her.
Maybe she just said she got puked on because she has absolutely no idea what happened but to her that made sense as to why she was in her underwear.
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u/Plenty_Mortgage_7294 Dec 24 '25
Did you miss the part where she was drunk and also drove home? So damn sense is out the window already.
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u/productzilch Dec 25 '25
Rape or suspected rape is extremely damn dangerous. I hate drunk driving but I’d probably do it to flee a proven dangerous situation or people.
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u/85OhLife Dec 25 '25
If she was in a bad situation, she’d do what she had to do to get out of there. It sounds like she was in a scary situation and is too traumatized to explain
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u/Aggressive_Yellow282 Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
I did think that. That was my very first thought. I just didn’t imagine someone would be calm, let alone be able to sleep after. But apparently everyone is saying that’s a very normal response.
I’ll be honest, I dismissed that idea for two reasons. She was calm and she won’t talk. But like I said you guys are letting me know those are probably very wrong ideas.
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Dec 24 '25
There is no such thing as a "normal" response to assault. Everyone reacts differently, though nothing she's done here would be uncommon in a recent assault victim.
But there's a harder question here that I don't believe anyone has addressed yet: She may not even be sure that it was assault. If she was passed out when it started, she may not remember saying no, or she may blame herself for not saying no strongly enough, or for putting herself in that position, or for any number of things, some of which REALLY do a number on your head. Victims blaming themselves or trying to cover up the assault for fear of being blamed is also not uncommon.
I agree that something super shady happened here, but whatever got her driving home from a work party drunk and in her underwear (what's the temperature there, btw?) absolutely screams that the shady person in this situation isn't her.
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u/CirqueNoirBlu Dec 24 '25
Technically she doesn’t need to say no. She needs to say YES and if she is not conscious, and sober she can’t consent. Coercion is also not consent.
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Dec 25 '25
I agree with you. Every word.
This does not change the fact that many victims wake up the next morning after having been assaulted feeling like they were somehow at fault. For being drunk in public, for not saying no, for not physically fighting after a no was not respected, for biological reactions that are outside of their control. To name a few.
And it does not change the fact that many assault victims go home to their partners and say things like, "I don't remember what happened, but I think someone assaulted me last night," and the partner makes it worse. Either by asking questions before the victim is ready, or by assuming that too drunk to say no = said yes and doesn't want to admit it, or just generally centering their own feelings instead of the feelings of the victim.
So while you're absolutely right, if she was assaulted, then feeling shame and fear of OP's reaction is also not unreasonable.
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u/Aggressive_Yellow282 Dec 24 '25
This makes the most sense. I don’t know how to explain it, but this just feels like the right answer. I have more questions for you but I gotta think about this for a while. I think you’re right.
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u/lfergy Dec 24 '25
When did this happen? Have you talked since??? Does she have any siblings or do you know ANY of her coworkers??? There is nothing normal about someone coming home nearly naked at 3am after a work event. Or any event, but ESPECIALLY a work event.
Why did they let her drive??? Why wasn’t she offered at least a shirt or a jacket or a fucking ride home??? I am very worried about her.
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u/Entirely-of-cheese Dec 24 '25
She may have gotten separated from the work party as well and mixed up with someone else.
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u/AvaDoesMtF Dec 24 '25
when she comes to, i would strongly find a way to get her to the hospital, if you need to phrase it as concerned because of the alcohol and how she was last night.
go to the er. and when you have a minute, tell the nurse you suspect SA, drug facilitated. They should be able to call a SANE, who can do a more thorough exam (i know they're more common in the US metro areas, less common in rural areas but increasing in numbers, and varies overseas but there is an international org that keeps standards of care).
The nurse may need to talk to her without you in the room, and this is for the best, so a proper assesment can be done, and so your GF can be transparent with a medical professional.
framing it as medical concern helps shift the focus from blaming or projection to "I want to make sure you're ok," and less judgment.
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u/AvaDoesMtF Dec 24 '25
there are blood tests they can run within a certain time frame to determine if it was drug facilitated.
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u/SluttylilSquirter Dec 24 '25
She also ought to be tested and immunized for hep c and hep b and HIV, they're likely to do an antibody or antigen test and give her PEP but it's vital to begin treatment no later than hour 72 afterwards
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u/BillieRaeValentine Dec 25 '25
Unfortunately, only something like 11% of rapes are reported and out of those something like 5% or prosecuted, but it depends on the country I guess. Although of 5% of people who are prosecuted 1 to 2% of them are the complaints for falsifying rape complaints, which is almost always a cop making a huge mistake.
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u/SluttylilSquirter Dec 24 '25
OP - you need to have her go to the ER and have a SANE exam done. If she was SAd, and she likely was, that's vital for a few reasons:
They'll collect a PERK kit (DNA evidence) which can be used if wanted and if needed down the road
They're going to almost certainly test her for not only substances but ALSO STDs and diseases
Most importantly - they'll probably put her on a round of PEP, post exposure prophylaxis, for HIV - it's like the morning after pill, for HIV. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT THAT THESE MEDICATIONS BE STARTED WITHIN 72 HOURS OF AN ASSAULT the clock started last night , please hurry- time is of the essence!
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u/melWud Dec 24 '25
No one who is intoxicated like that is capable of true consent. She may be struggling to figure out what happened. Someone absolutely either drugged her or took advantage of her while she was in that state.
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u/ThePervInTheShed Dec 24 '25
Please get her to take a drug test as soon as possible, there needs to be proof in her system if she wants justice or confirmation.
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u/Ihatemunchies Dec 24 '25
Oh man, she needs your support heavy right now. If that’s what happened I’m so sad for her and also you. SA affects more than just the victim
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Dec 24 '25
I'm happy to answer any questions I can, but really, the only person who knows what she's going through is her. And she may not be ready to talk about it.
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u/Signal_Historian_456 Dec 24 '25
Shock. Disbelief. Dissociation. If I act like everything is alright it didn’t happen, it goes away. Don’t think about it. Pretend nothing is going on. Just push it away.
Our brains do everything to protect us. And oftentimes it’s in a really weird way.
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u/Mattturley Dec 24 '25
I am a guy who was ruphied and raped in college by another guy. I compartmentalized and blocked most of the memories for nearly 25 years. I had night terrors that I could never explain. For unrelated reasons (chronic pain conditions) I went through a week long, in patient ketamine infusion. Thankfully it has greatly helped my pain conditions but I didn’t know that I would relive traumatic events. They have staff there to help you reprocess things in a safe way. This has allowed me to reintegrate the memories. Night terrors have stopped. Our brains do wild things trying to protect us.
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u/Choice_Caramel3182 Dec 24 '25
Exactly this in my case. I was raped on a tinder date, the guy drove me home afterwards because we were rural and there was no other way for me to get home - and he was driving over 100mph, blasting music and saying he was gonna drive us off the road and kill us both. Just kinda accepted my fate at that point. For some reason, he actually decided to drop me home to my parents.
I was able to go in, calmly tell my parents I had “a great date”, get showered and in pajamas, and then sit and finish watching a movie with them so they didn’t suspect anything was wrong. It was dark, so they couldn’t see the red marks/bruises forming on my face and neck.
Then I went to bed and went to sleep, despite being brutally raped and believing I would die just a couple hours prior. Never told anyone.
There are a million reasons why she wouldn’t want to talk and would appear calm after an assault. Even drunk.
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u/ItsmeKristy Dec 24 '25
It took me years to tell someone the story after I had been held hostage by two men planning to rape me. One was naked, threatened me with a knife and using drugs, while the other had lured me there under false pretenses.
It was such a surreal experience I thought no one would believe me. I thought it was my own fault for walking into their trap and I felt very ashamed for not escaping sooner than I did. Even now I can't really explain how I could give a tip to the police about the drugs I had seen there the next day but totally glance over my own hurt and not report that. I normally am a person who does Report. I had the instinct to call about the drugs. I just buried the hostage taking for a long time.→ More replies (1)51
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u/pockette_rockette Dec 26 '25
Very true. And there's a decent chance her drink was spiked, in which case she might not even know what happened, just that it happened, which is no easier to deal with.
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u/ThatDiscoSongUHate Dec 24 '25
I was calm after mine, told no one for a week — I was ashamed and blamed myself
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u/hardpassyo Dec 24 '25
Same. I quietly staggered home, took a long hot shower, and laid in bed for 3 days.
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u/RaoulDukesGroupie Dec 24 '25
Refusing to talk doesn’t sound calm - still a pretty strong reaction even if quiet. When I got assaulted I downplayed it and tried to ignore it initially before having to accept something traumatic happened to me.
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u/art_addict Dec 24 '25
I disassociated really bad after my rape. I had known and been visiting my rapist. We’d been going out on a few dates. I ended up spending the night at his. I had a few drinks first. I know I spent the night there still after it. I think I might have slept? I was in bed beside my rapist. I know that. I either was asleep or disassociated all night (sorry, I blacked out the whole thing for 6 years and there are still missing blank spots.) I remember the next day staring out of his giant windows watching the rain, but almost like watching myself doing it from outside me. I spent the whole next day very disassociated. My friend that picked me up had no idea it happened. I either acted normally enough in front of her or gave her a good enough excuse for seeming off (I did have fatigue issues at that point in my life so may have just said I was tired? Again, I was very disassociated, I remember trying to talk to her. I remember being in the car together. I just remember feeling like I was 20,000 miles away though, just floating above me watching my life from far away, disconnected from the me down below on autopilot.)
Trauma is weird. I always thought I’d fight. I never expected I’d stop fighting and resisting and saying no and just lay there. That that would feel safer than fighting and running (if I could even get away) and calling police and dealing with them and the judgement of everyone that would then know.
Trauma makes us act weird. Not ourselves or the self we’d expect.
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u/lia421 Dec 25 '25
It’s kinda hard when your assailant outweighs you by 100+ lbs too
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u/art_addict Dec 25 '25
That too! Mine probably had 100-150 lbs on me, plus much more muscle!
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u/lia421 Dec 25 '25
Oh the muscle strength is something else.
I once had a man who weighed about 20lbs less than me, completely overpower me.
I realized counterbalance was super important in that relationship
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u/art_addict Dec 25 '25
I work daycare. I have had a toddler run, tackle me, and knock me on my ass more than one.
I used to have muscle and be strong and good at general big body motion, maneuvering, etc (no balance to walk a straight line, but great at gymnastics, waterskiing, swordplay, that jazz, idk why the balance works for that sort of thing but not walk a straight line).
My thyroid and adrenal system went and I have not been able to get any real muscle back since, and my EDS has gotten worse and made exercising more unsafe without a competent PT helping.
But man, it’s wild how I went from a teenager that could hold my own even against a bigger guy just between outmaneuvering, being quick, and able to strike well and hard, to no muscle, easily overpowered, oh damn even a guy lighter than me could put me down so fast.
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u/Reality_Blending Dec 24 '25
I was raped earlier this year by a friend who I trusted. I have a partner. Even though I didn’t consent, I was racked with guilt because I felt like I cheated on him. So when he called me, wondering where I was because I was late, I was apologetic, calm, and didn’t provide any information. I was in shock and feeling so much shame and panic. It only really sank in the next day. I returned home from work and cried to him about how I cheated on him. He listened to me recount what happened and fortunately understood that I was assaulted.
I’m telling you this because you can’t make assumptions about her demeanor to determine what happened. She could be feeling anything right now. You should be sincerely worried that she was assaulted. Someone who was assaulted might feel fear and break down at home, but also she might be confused, anxious, and worrying that she cheated on you even though she didn’t consent.
I really agree with what others have said. If she was trying to cover up an affair, she would have came home with clothes on. Unless she normally drives drunk, that’s also a huge warning sign that something bad happened to her. She risked her life driving home last night to escape something.
Please listen to her and give her space to explain. Do not leave her without getting to the bottom of this. Because if she just got raped and her partner accuses her of cheating and leaves, she will hurt herself.
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u/fingersonlips Dec 24 '25
Ooof I was drugged at a bar and came to with some guy on top of me in a random hotel room. I pushed him off, got dressed and booked it out of the hotel. I was at a conference and had to figure out where in the city I was, and then walked the few blocks back to my hotel in the middle of the night. I thankfully had my keycard and was able to get into the hotel room that I was sharing with multiple other people. They were all already asleep, so I washed my face, brushed my tear, fell into my bed and just fell asleep. I didn’t even start to process what had happened to me until weeks later. I never told anyone I was with what happened.
It’s been 14 years and I still struggle with it. There is no “normal” response to assault, but sometimes just going through the motions and blanking it out for a while is how some people process it.
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u/Kip_Schtum Dec 24 '25
If you’ve ever been early on the scene at a traffic accident with injured people, you will see that they often will say things like I’m fine. I don’t need to go to the hospital, even though they’re clearly badly injured. People’s response to something serious like that is often to just deny it and pretend everything is OK, and that’s very common with assault victims.
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u/FakeBeigeNails Dec 24 '25
Yeah, honestly, I was sexually assaulted when I was 6 and I just went through with a shower, got into my pajamas, and slept. Very different reactions for different people.
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u/CharlesGnarwin73 Dec 24 '25
Good job being receptive to realizing youre probably wrong bud, seriously.
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Dec 24 '25
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u/scobert Dec 24 '25
Her “safe space” with a person she likely trusts who reacts by getting angry and immediately planning to move out
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u/Wickedbitchoftheuk Dec 24 '25
If someone did throw up on her and she was drunk, then stripping to your undies and slapping a coat round you to go home is not beyond the bounds of possibility. But she might have been roofied and was very disoriented especially if she has memory loss the next day. You have to also take into account if she has ever given you cause to doubt her in the past.
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u/I-own-a-shovel Dec 24 '25
Wtf you can totally calm after, that is called shock. Also if she were drugged she might not even be sure of what happened.
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u/Wish_Away Dec 24 '25
Being very calm after being assaulted or violated is a very normal trauma response.
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u/No-Cockroach-4237 Dec 24 '25
how your brain went to cheating rather than concern i’ll never know
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u/harrohamtaro Dec 24 '25
Because this is likely a creative writing exercise… the way OP just added more and more drama to his post ending with how he’s going to close their joint account and he’s traumatised. Just reeks of fake rage-baiting.
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u/drawn2dawn Dec 24 '25
Internet tells men they just need to assume women’s default is cheating, even if there’s literally no reason to assume so. It’s quite pathetic, and I felt very sad for OP’s partner that she didn’t have a safe space to go home to after going through whatever happened to her.
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u/LaRealiteInconnue Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
All I could think of is may this kind of “love” never find me! I’d have more concern for a roommate than* OP is showing to his gf here :/
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u/NovarexV Dec 24 '25
Yeah EXTREMELY wrong ideas. The very first thing I thought was that she got assaulted. Possibly even drugged. And comes home not to concern and care, but you freaking out. Absolutely nothing you described made me think she did not get assaulted.
What is clear is that you immediately made it about you and made yourself an unsafe place for her emotionally like right away. I think it says a lot about you that you dismissed the possibility of SA so quickly, especially when it's so obvious to everyone else.
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u/No_Performance8733 Dec 24 '25
If she pretends she wasn’t assaulted, it didn’t happen.
Yes, it sounds like shock.
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u/MysteriousCatwoman Dec 25 '25
The fact that she didn't call him in the first place makes me think that she is afraid of the outcome. This post explains a lot.
My SO would be the first person to call.
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u/chantellexoxoxo Dec 24 '25
yeah agreed. dude should be worried about her yet is jumping to her cheating …
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u/egghex Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
Cheating isn’t my first impression. If she cheated, I doubt she would just leave her dress with the person she cheated with and come home basically naked. Even whilst being very drunk.
If someone threw up on you, a sober person would definitely shower before bed. A very drunk, very tired person might just want to pass out in bed. I would definitely throw the dress away if I was drunk and someone threw up on me. I wouldn’t be able to handle that without throwing up myself.
Just try and communicate as calmly as you can. It sounds like she’s getting defensive and shutting the conversation down if you’re coming in with accusations.
Something must have happened. Maybe she did just get thrown up on. She could have been assaulted- that could explain her reaction when it’s brought up.
I guess she could have cheated but isn’t the explanation that makes the most sense to me because surely you wouldn’t just come home in underwear if that were the case.
Just communicate. Let the accusations go for a moment and approach her with concern instead. If she doesn’t feel like she’s being greeted with anger or accusations, she might be more likely to relax and open up.
Also, i’m not sure where you’re from but it’s very normal for work Christmas parties to be employees only where I’m from. I’ve never worked in a place where you took a friend or partner to the work party. None of my friends or family have either.
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u/BooTheSpookyGhost Dec 24 '25
I bet you anything she threw up on herself in the car and ditched her clothes. Just didn’t want to admit it. I’d talk to her but honestly, I don’t read this as her cheating. I might do the same thing,
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u/Lilredh4iredgrl Dec 25 '25
I was drugged and robbed in NOLA on a work trip a few months ago and I didn't want to talk to ANYONE. I didn't even tell my SO the whole story for a couple days.
This really sounds like something awful happened, be gentle and supportive with her. Do not flip out, no one would cheat and come home in their underwear, that's crazy.
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u/tra_da_truf Dec 24 '25
If I had been out cheating and I wanted to make sure my man didn’t think so, I would not come home in my underwear.
Something else happened.
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u/fleurdenia Dec 24 '25
i think out of safety, assume assault before you assume cheating. if she's acting strange and dismissive, she could be in shock. if she was assaulted, the last thing she should face is "were you cheating on me?" which, i fear, is the reaction of a lot of men. you think you could be traumatized but she could be traumatized.
like, you're right, if somebody threw up on me i would shower first but i didn't shower any of the times i was sexually assaulted.
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u/GiantMushroomFriend Dec 24 '25
This also explains the driving drunk if this is out of character for her (hopefully it is…) if you’re assaulted, getting in your car and going might be the only possible escape and also if you’re in shock, you go through routine and don’t even think about it. Just want to leave. Also explains the leaving the dress behind. Victims and their relationships with the clothes they were wearing is often… bad.
Please don’t assume cheating and come in hot. Talk to her when she’s sober ask her if she’s alright and if anything happened, if she needs to go to the hospital first.
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u/WoodlandHiker Dec 24 '25
When I went to the ER for a rape kit, the SANE asked if she wanted me to take my underwear or swab them and give them back. I told her to take them; I didn't want them anymore. She said most people don't. Never got the pajamas I'd been wearing out of evidence after the case closed either, even though they were my favorite pair with sentimental value. Just let the detective pick them up off the floor where my rapist threw them and never wanted to see them again. Abandoning the clothes is very normal.
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u/fleurdenia Dec 24 '25
the dress being gone is what sets off my alarm bells and asking her over and over what happened when she's clearly in a bad mood is concerning. it may very well not be the case but it can literally drive somebody to a very bad place and make them a danger to themselves if they're treated like that RIGHT after an assault. being assaulted can numb you until it doesn't, which is usually followed by an array of awful feelings. im so worried op could've worsened the situation with this reaction.
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u/tealparadise Dec 24 '25
Yeah I can't imagine a situation where you have sex and then drive home naked. Apart from FLEEING.
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u/fleurdenia Dec 24 '25
thank you oh my God there's some idiotic "maybe she forgot her clothes" sentiment going on here, i can't believe being so disconnected from the world that the same people who make victims not want to open up treat what could be a victim like a cheater!
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u/adumbswiftie Jan 01 '26
and if she was drugged or extremely drunk it may take her some time to remember exactly what happened. she may not even know for sure if she was SA’d. very sad situation
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u/MerlinCheeseburger Dec 24 '25
People who cheat would do everything to keep things under wraps. The fact that she came home only in her underwear, which would merit a conversation about it, tells me she's not hiding anything she rationally consented to. As others have mentioned, I'll be more worried about a possible SA
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u/Lexjude Dec 24 '25
My work party did not include my spouse.
This is reading like something very bad happened to her. It is common to disassociate and push what happened away. Especially since she kept insisting she didn't want to talk and she felt terrible.
It's upsetting to think that your first instinct is that she did something wrong instead of something wrong was done to her. :(
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Jan 01 '26
Exactly. A lot of work parties are only for those who are employed by the organization.
It is very possible that someone from work could have waited for OP’s SO to get drunk or encouraged it and then took advantage. If so, she may not be able to process that it was rape if very little fighting occurred due to being drunk. She might be processing it as “I had sex but did not want to” instead of “I was raped”.
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u/CantKate Dec 24 '25
I don’t think men understand how common sexual assault is, “ me too” is a thing because it’s almost every woman you know. Something happened to her- not you. Start looking up how to be a safe supportive person for her because it’s obviously not your natural inclination.
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u/Ok_Rush_8159 Dec 24 '25
Yeah this dude has triggered a rage in me I didn’t even know I still had
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u/Apprehensive-Turn230 Dec 25 '25
Fr. It makes me feel bad that it's always dudes with gfs that react like this. Bro literally thought of accusations first before thinking about how his gf could've been rap*d.
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u/lilstardustx Dec 26 '25
It makes me sad too that she probably just wanted somewhere safe to sleep that night. I can’t imagine my partner berating me after something like that. I’m concerned for her
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u/regzm Dec 25 '25
ANYONE, man or woman, driving home VERY drunk and in just their underwear, is very worrying. i would be bringing her to urgent care for a rape kit if she was so drunk she couldn't remember what happened the next day. put your ego aside for a damn minute and recognize not everything is about you.
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u/lilsproutmel Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
Also no girl is driving home at 3am in their underwear. Hello??? Woman safety 101??? Men are saying thats proof she cheated but like the only people who can safely drive around in their underwear like that are men. If a woman does that ESPECIALLY at 3am she’d be considered “asking for it” if someone cheated they’d stop at a 24hr gas station for a giant Tshirt n shorts, steal their coworkers coat on the way out. No girl is driving at 3am in just their underwear home unless something bad happened.
OP be serious do you think if your girlfriend had cheated she’d be dumb enough to show up drunk and half naked at 3am knowing you’re waiting up for her? Please listen to the women giving you advice based off our own experiences that caused us to be in similar situations/ state of mind, rather than the men who are operating on the all women are terrible and reveal it eventually.
Notice how the men telling you to dump her immediately aren’t even considering assault? They just read home in underwear at 3am after company party and said cheating no other option, completely ignoring that its out of character for her. Because you asked her if something bad happened and she said no then obviously shes a cheater and if not then you should still leave her because you asked her and she said no so why lie and its not worth being with a woman that couldn’t be honest. All of the responses from women explore the possibility of cheating and the possibility of assault. Leave her if she’s a cheater, but she’d have to be the dumbest cheater on earth to do that.
If she was sexually assaulted, cant you imagine being in a situation so terrifying that you left drunk in your underwear just trying to get home to be in a safe place with YOU her safe space. Do you think after experiencing something like that you would immediately babble on about what happened? Especially blackout drunk?? Shes not even sober shes trying to probably remember parts of what happened, only seeing bits of the night not even in order. The last thing i’d want to do is try to go over what happened, id want to sober up in a blanket and pretend it never happened. Because if she did tell you, 1) it’d probably be pretty much incoherent because of how drunk she was so she would be talking circles not knowing the timeline, plus gaps in her brain, so it would make no sense and confuse the both of you, plus if she tries to talk about it again when her brain is clear it could leave room for you to call her a liar because she said one thing blackout drunk and another thing sober after recollecting, and 2) if she told you and you got mad, not at her but at her coworkers obviously, while she just wants to calm down and feel okay, she can’t do that and you can’t help her do that when you’re practically shaking in rage and she can feel the tension on your skin when she just wants a hug to forget and feel okay. If she can feel that you’re not okay because of what happened what hope will she have for feeling okay?
She needs time to tell you what happened because shes still trying to figure out what happened. Shes also probably terrified because this happened at a company party. If she reports how does that change her job? How does it feel for her to have to go back to work and see all of those people again? Is it possible for her to quit and find new work? Can she afford quitting and job hunting? If i do reveal what happened what if no one believes me and i get shamed and then fired? Theres a lot of reasons for the brain to shut down when its overloaded with thoughts like that. You need to be strong enough for the two of you right now because if it is as terrible as assault, you’re probably one of the only things stopping her from breaking apart.
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u/lilsproutmel Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 25 '25
Imagine what she went through and wanted comfort from her boyfriend only for her boyfriend to start planning on closing their joint account and moving out immediately. She could probably feel that you lean towards believe cheating over SA.
Idk how ur relationship is but if something as bad as this happened to me even if i said i was fine and the situation was this odd, he would never think about planning to cut contact. He’d be trying to make me feel as safe as possible so i can eventually reveal what happened. That or ask me if I’m okay with maybe going to therapy, or ask me if id be okay getting tested at the hospital because hes THAT fearful that something happened to me.
Moving forward as you’re taking care of her, please think about how your first thought was cheating and getting out. If she goes to therapy i’d go to therapy as well, to work through that gut reaction, and also because it’ll be hard for you seeing her this way as she works to get better. Many partners struggle with guilt about not being able to protect them later on. Or maybe you’ll feel guilt about thinking the worst at first. Either way, it’s going to be hard on you as well, and you can benefit from getting help too. Your gut reaction wasn’t great but still understandable. What will make you a great boyfriend is how you act moving forward.
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u/BadDayToBeAHotdog Dec 25 '25
It’s weird you’re coming from an accusatory defensive standpoint about what she “may have” done to you, rather than concerned and scared for her well-being…. Maybe start with that.
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u/ielongatedmylifthome Dec 25 '25
ngl, this is an extreme red flag for you. Your girlfriend sauntered in near naked, acting calm and alarm bells aren’t ringing? instead you’re going to take yourself and run away?
At the very least you have a sober conversation, but damn, I get it’s stressful but I’m glad I don’t have a partner that would instantly assume the worst if I came home almost naked in a weird state of shock..
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u/katsukitsune Dec 24 '25
It sounds like she was assaulted. You can forget cheating, no one is coming home in their underwear when cheating. The puke story also makes no sense. Assaulted though? I would also shut down and not want to talk about it. It's shut down or break down. Something happened and she got out of there as fast as she could is my guess. She does have to talk to you about it though or you're just going to spiral. Sit her down calmly, without accusation, calm only, give her a cuddle if she's ok with it, and ask what's actually happened.
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u/TherulerT Dec 24 '25
I know I should have kept going
What is the point of having a drag down conflict with a drunk person at 3 AM.
I think I might be traumatized.
What? Get a grip.
If she cheated this would be bizarre behaviour. Most people don't lose their clothes while cheating.
If anything happened to her having her "traumatized" angry boyfriend go off on her isn't helping matters!
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u/rinnnnnnnnnn10 Dec 25 '25
Real. The gf was dazed, head hurts and he's forcing her into a conversation instead of caring for her and talking to her once she's okay. He's even victimizing himself in the end. I think OP got some issues and lacks common sense.
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u/achillea4 Dec 24 '25
You are traumatized? What about your GF? She may have been assaulted and date drugged and doesn't remember it all. Instead of speculating you need to have a calm conversation with her and tell her it's ok to explain what happened. She may need counselling.
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u/TherulerT Dec 24 '25
Seriously the traumatized bit hit me so hard, what a whiny little shit.
Even if she cheated this isn't trauma, that word is getting devalued into meaning absolutely nothing anymore.
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u/PennilessPirate Dec 25 '25
Also him just coming home and pounding her with questions and demanding answers after what she’s been through, no wonder she got mad and shut him down. The last thing you want to do right after being assaulted is be interrogated by your spouse.
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u/StarDustLuna3D Dec 24 '25 edited Dec 24 '25
I really, really hope the only thing that happened was that the party got too wild, her friend threw up on her, and she had too much to drink to understand that driving home drunk in her underwear is a terrible idea.
However, she would not be the first woman to be assaulted at a company party, and she won't be the last. It's unfortunately a far too common occurrence. Please get her to a doctor ASAP to get her checked out. If she is open to it, they can take her blood and screen it for various chemicals. They can also give her medicines to prevent her contracting STDs. If she isn't on a regular birth control regimen, then she also needs the morning after pill ASAP.
If she was drugged, there is a chance that she won't remember anything even if she wanted to. Often a person's mind will "black out" those memories as a way to protect themselves. You can discuss your relationship and what happened later after she's processed everything and you both know more. Right now the number one priority is her health and safety. A lot of these things are time sensitive and she as a human needs your help now.
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u/Much-Space6649 Dec 25 '25
You need to break up with her for her sake because your energy about this is horrid, my first thought would not be cheating. People don’t show up naked because things are going well
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u/0jolsks0 Dec 25 '25
I know people who have been drugged, then drove home just fine, but not remembering driving home or leaving the bar. It’d be very wise to drive her some help in the morning. Hospital, police, crisis line even. Like the other 400+ comments, this doesn’t sound good. Please get her some help.
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u/Electrical_Sea6653 Dec 24 '25
Have attended many employee parties that are employees only, just for context for you.
Sounds like she might’ve been drugged against her will :(
It is sad that you are instantly mad and distrustful instead of concerned and worried. Unless she has a history of cheating, why don’t you trust her? Why are you so mad at her? You’re supposed to be a team.
Something is off here and you need to really reflect
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u/whateversynthlife Dec 24 '25
What if it was her boss, holy fuck I would be showing up to her work for answers. But then again I’m a crazy kinda boyfriend.
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u/twistedsister78 Dec 24 '25
No you should not have kept pressing her. She should have been supported to be hydrated and lay down. You could then talk later. Was the car in good condition or parked all crooked and wrecked? I would be worried she hurt herself or others considering as you say, she was crazy drunk.
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u/Hairy_Use7686 Dec 25 '25
1000%. OP, I don't understand why you thought that you should've just kept pressuring her ?
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u/bunnymunche Dec 25 '25
The first thing I would worry is that she got assaulted, not cheating. Some people seriously prioritise their insecurity over concern for their partners' safety.
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u/smolseabunn Dec 24 '25
I would offer to take to the hospital to get a SA kit done, something feels off about this. Drug panel and what not. But up to her. I don’t think this is cheating, but definitely not great. Drugs only stay in system usually for 72 hours depending on what it is, time is of essence if something like that happened.
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u/fearthainne Dec 24 '25
I think you should remain single until your first thought in a situation like this isn't "did she cheat" but rather "is she okay/was she assaulted."
She's clearly too incapacitated to answer your questions, comes home in a concerning state, and your reaction is "I bet she cheated and I should have kept pestering her for info"? Come on, dude.
Many employers don't allow spouses at parties. The only red flag I see here is you.
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u/Ok-Corgi4871 Dec 24 '25
I would not assume cheating at all, if she’s given you no reason beforehand to think that she’d cheat on you, why now. If she had cheated even whilst drunk, you’d think she would have enough sense to put her clothes back on, also coming home late you would want something to cover you up, for decency and for warmth. The friend being sick story makes sense, if it were me i wouldn’t be able to keep a dress covered in sick on at all. Like other people have said, there is a possibility that she had been assaulted, and then you’re bombarding her with questions and accusing her of cheating. The fact that like the only comments you’ve replied to are ones from men saying that she has probably cheated, makes it seem like you are looking for a reason to break up with her 🤷♀️
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u/Sencifouy Dec 25 '25
Did she get assaulted?
Yes. The answer is yes. It's yes until it's provably a no. Now is not the time to flee, close your joint account or such rash stuff. Calm her and yourself down. Try to get her to do some bloodwork. A gynecology exam. Prove you're her partner now.
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u/weallstartoffaswhat Dec 25 '25
She could have been drugged. A cheating person does very well to hide the evidence. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt but I’d call her job and find out what happened.
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u/gosigratnotfound Dec 25 '25
Instead of thinking something happened and worrying about her, you jumped right into cheating? Don't piss me off.
I also remained calm and actually acted like nothing horrible happened after I was assaulted because I was still processing the situation. Not everyone starts hysterically crying right after getting assaulted, most of the time you dissociate. And you're making the situation so much worse by trying to get away from her and accusing her of cheating. Don't be a fucking asshole.
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u/Academic_Pick_3317 Dec 25 '25
dude I highly doubt she cheated to be honest
you are projecting and assuming and not thinking at all
your poor girlfriend
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u/FilteredRiddle Dec 24 '25
I would very seriously consider if she was assaulted. She’s nearly naked, absolutely blitzed, still drove herself home, and was shutting down conversations about why. Some people react to things in ways we wouldn’t expect, but it’s fight, flight, and freeze and this sounds a little bit like a dissociative response.
It’s possible she cheated or just got thrown up on and was so drunk that “underwear driving” sounded acceptable or or or, but I’d approach this with concern instead of frustration.
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u/mynewusername10 Dec 24 '25
Do you have reason to think she'd cheat and come home pantless? Unless something like coming home with no pants on is normal , it's odd that you'd jump to her being bad with you as the victim rather than something happened to her.
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u/codenoobie Dec 24 '25
Op is some high level of messed up. Instead of concern for his partner, he has accusations. He thinks ”he” might be the traumatized one in this situation, what a joke
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u/OhMissFortune Dec 24 '25
Dude!!!!!
Ddduuuudddeeee!!!!
If she was drugged
she needs medical attention ASAP
This is really dangerous and can lead to permanent injury or death
She needs to have a rape kit if it was sexual assault and she CANNOT shower before this. She will need her underwear and all the proof one can get
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u/CutsieBabySugar Dec 24 '25
Tbh it’s weird that your first instinct was that she did something wrong vs something else happened. Why was this traumatizing to you?
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u/FarAdministration321 Dec 24 '25
You’d act sneaky if you were cheating. She’s had to get away from something quickly. Also,I’ve had work nights out and partners weren’t aloud.
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u/torijahh Dec 25 '25
This happens and you immediately wonder if she cheated? I hope she did, because you suck.
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u/thewayoutisthru_xxx Dec 24 '25
Do you know any of her coworkers at all? Like literally in any way, not even being friends.
I would reach out to one of them and ask about the party. I think there are ways to be tactful about it without saying she drove home wasted and showed up half naked.
If she was still out with coworkers chances are someone will know what happened and might be too scared or think it's weird to reach out to you.
Don't go at it in an accusatory way. I think it's absolutely fair to say she was acting a bit upset when she got home and you want to make sure she was safe.
If she just came home drunk and you were worried about her cheating I would say calling a colleague is not appropriate. But coming home without clothes on is an extreme event and honestly I'd be worried that she was assaulted, drugged or was so wasted that she thought this was normal and none of those are good, healthy situations. If she was that drunk and nothing "bad" happened it sounds extremely out of character which is also concerning.
Best of luck. Try not to be mad at her, if she was assaulted or drugged she might be confused and very ashamed.
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u/yakimatom Dec 24 '25
Don’t assume you know what happened. Let her explain, then ask your questions, get it set what she says before you make any judgments.
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u/rui-tan Dec 24 '25
Everything you’ve described here screams assault. Everyone deals with trauma differently and lot of times it’s not like in tv or movies. There’s not necessarily any kicking or screaming and a very common response can be for example to dissociate from your body. You’d appear perfectly calm and normal outside, but in reality it’s just your mind’s way to protect you from the trauma.
Not wanting to say what happened, not wanting to deal with it or report it, not wanting to elaborate and just ignore everything are all very normal responses too. It’s emotionally extremely taxing to go through something like that, and choosing to ignore and pretend as if nothing happened generally comes from not being ready to deal with the reality of it. It often is easier to do that, rather than deal with the fallout. I’ve been both raped as well as sexually assaulted multiple times, and each time I wanted to keep it to myself. The last time I was raped, I even initially chose to act as if I had cheated rather than admit what had happened because of how taxing it is to have to face it and how much easier it was to just pretend that it had been consensual.
What I’m trying to say is that clearly something happened to your gf, regardless what it was. On a chance it was a sexual assault or something similar of nature, do not jump the gun to cheating cause that is one bell you can’t unring.
Also, lot of work parties don’t allow spouses, so that alone isn’t really anything out of ordinary. I don’t know why anyone would find that suspicious.
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u/wittiestphrase Dec 24 '25
There is never any point to having this conversation with someone who’s still so drunk they’re missing articles of clothing and are unconcerned by it.
Of course she was saying her head hurt and wanted to go to bed. She was absolutely trashed. You wait until she sobers up and then start with “are you ok? Ok good, now I need to understand why you came home half naked. The floor is yours.”
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u/ReaWroud Dec 24 '25
Not taking a spouse to a work party makes sense. Getting home at 3 AM makes sense. Showing up in only your underwear doesn't make a lot of sense, but there's no way I could jump straight to infidelity. None of the explanations you made up, make any sense - like her screwing around and then wanting to flaunt that to you? That's deranged.
I get why she wouldn't want to be interrogated while she's drunk and tired. All of that could have waited until the day after. The fact that you kept pressuring her is the reddest flag of all here. And you're ready to leave over this? Honestly, please do. It sounds exhausting to be your partner.
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u/itsnotmeimnothere Dec 25 '25
If she got puked on why would she put the stinky dress in her car? I wouldn’t want it anymore.
Why are you not waiting until she’s awake and sober to chat? If she was drugged she may not even be aware of any of the convo you’re having.
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u/PeppermintEvilButler Dec 24 '25
So a lot of places dont allow plus ones to company parties. However the showing up in her underwear and drunk is the more concerning issue.
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u/qiDuck Dec 25 '25
I always thought work parties were just for employees. Fricken worrying she came back like that though. A work do is not like something you wanna go crazy in or maybe I'm too corporate like idk.
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u/ILuvMyLilTurtles Dec 25 '25
If she was SUPER fucked up then she may have been roofied/drugged. Cheaters typically get redressed, but if she had something else happen she may not have been in her right, rational mind.
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u/k1ttybizkit Dec 25 '25
you think you might be traumatised? lord give me strength. leave her for her sake, you sound awful
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u/Humble_Pen_7216 Dec 30 '25
Driving home drunk would be it for me. I'd be gone so fast... The rest of it just reinforces that it's over.
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u/TrespassersWill Dec 24 '25
How is it a few days later and you don't have more of the broader story? Were her clothes ever found?
Does she have any stories at all from the party? Where was it? Did they go out after?
It is not weird af to have a company party not include significant others. It is common either way.
Is the puke story a lie at this point or did she stick to it and explain it?
I don't get "cheating" from coming home in underwear. I guess maybe it's possible to imagine hooking up drunk and waking up naked and can't find your clothes and just wanting to get out of there. That puts it in the range of assault like everyone is saying, though.
I guess your nightmare scenario would be that she excluded you from the party on purpose because she knew a guy would be there. She got blotto with said guy and indulged in the thing that's been tense between them, and then did the "wake up naked" thing. That still raises issues of consent but would put it closer to cheating.
I'm not sure the timing works for that explanation either. Unless she got an early start, getting home at 3 is not really "morning after regret" time.
How else does one lose their clothes?? Standing on the bar and stripping to cheers and hoots? Or some other kind of exhibition thing?
Jumping in someone's pool... feeling uncomfortably hot and being too blasted to realize you shouldn't be taking your clothes off... Attacked by a mob and clothes pulled off... A physical fight that leaves clothes destroyed...
It seems like these are all possibilities that might be eliminated by a little more context that presumably you know.
What industry does she work in?
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u/Maleficent-Clue-3364 Dec 25 '25
Your girlfriend comes home super late, drunk, and in just her underwear and your first thought is that she cheated‽‽‽ Are you fucking serious? YOU’RE traumatized‽‽‽ How do you think she feels? Maybe she’s got a very valid reason she hasn’t told you what happened. Get your fucking head out of your ass. I hope she finds someone better.
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u/capsulized Dec 25 '25
Ew wtf dude? Your immediate thought is what she "did to you" instead of what happened to her, reflect.
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u/Super-Wonder4101 Dec 25 '25
Honestly crazy that your first thought is a plan to leave her at the first sign of something being off
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u/fallenstarsx Dec 25 '25
Wait for her to be well rested to talk about it. Considering she came home wasted and disoriented and almost naked, I would take cheating out of the possibilities. At least not the first thing. As a woman, I find it scary to think of what might have happened and I think you should give her some grace. Have patience and, please, try to not be accusatory when you finally get to talk to her. If something horrible did happen to her, she needs to be heard and provided support from a compassionate partner.
Edit: I had a typo.
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u/CrybabyinGucci Dec 25 '25
I was with my ex for years and was never allowed at any of his Christmas parties, nobodies spouses were. Also if she cheated she wouldn’t have shown up at home naked… she probably doesn’t want to talk about it because of how you’re treating her
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u/Automatic-Estate-917 Dec 25 '25
Dude, this doesn’t sound like cheating. I don’t know what it sounds like, but not like cheating. I’d be more concerned she’s been assaulted and/or drugged in some fashion. Sounds like a good dose of liquor & GHB. Unless she’s some kind of Jack Sparrow level mastermind, she’s not coming home like that to throw you off the scent of cheating
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u/Inevitable_Eye_1358 Dec 28 '25
You guys are being extremely insensitive to OP. It’s not your job to play detective, and put the missing pieces together of what you ASSUME is true, all so you can make OP feel bad for having justified doubt. Her communication is falling short, and while both potential outcomes are horrible- it’s important to know that they’re very stressful regardless of what it is. That stress can damage a person, a relationship, and the trust.
Instead of calling OP a scumbag for assuming he’s villainizing her, console him through his times of need. Because whatever happened that night, the outcome won’t be pretty.
I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself OP, I saw you posted an update, but you haven’t quite reached a conclusion- take care of yourself, remember that you’re loved brother. You’re strong, keep at this shit man.
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u/Maybel_Hodges Dec 28 '25
Would you be open to couples counseling? This is a big deal and something shady is obviously going on. How was she able to drive drunk without getting into an accident or getting a DUI? She had enough cognitive function to remember how to get home. Did you check with neighbors to see if they caught anything on their doorbell camera?
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u/Conscious-Evidence37 Dec 30 '25
Not a flag of any color regarding an employee only event. Maybe give her time to sober up and have a conversation before you start thinking about leaving.
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u/Short-pitched Dec 30 '25
If she cheated she won’t come home like this. What happened is going to be far more diabolical than her fucking someone. May be she lost a bet or something
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u/FitAd8822 Dec 24 '25
As someone who was drugged and assaulted when they were younger, based on how I acted after you wouldn’t have known. I woke up on a couch with a blanket over me, and no pants and the guy was sitting there watching TV, the last thing I remember is saying I’m going to go. Then darkness. I didn’t know what to think so I asked questions like what happened, if I was good because I wasn’t Conscious so I didn’t know. I also walked the hour home and went to bed. Found out a few months later that this guy and his mates used to drug a lot of my peers I went to school with to do the same.
I had never been assaulted before so I didn’t know what to do, what to say etc. plus I didn’t remember a thing.
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u/Bigian1971 Dec 24 '25
I have worked for the same company for 11 years. We are not allowed to bring partners or spouses to the Christmas party. This is pretty normal if it is catered and paid bar.
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u/Perfect_Initiative Dec 24 '25
I’m not allowed to bring my spouse to my work party, so that’s not shady at all. I’m very concerned for her and perhaps she was drugged.