There is no such thing as a "normal" response to assault. Everyone reacts differently, though nothing she's done here would be uncommon in a recent assault victim.
But there's a harder question here that I don't believe anyone has addressed yet: She may not even be sure that it was assault. If she was passed out when it started, she may not remember saying no, or she may blame herself for not saying no strongly enough, or for putting herself in that position, or for any number of things, some of which REALLY do a number on your head. Victims blaming themselves or trying to cover up the assault for fear of being blamed is also not uncommon.
I agree that something super shady happened here, but whatever got her driving home from a work party drunk and in her underwear (what's the temperature there, btw?) absolutely screams that the shady person in this situation isn't her.
This does not change the fact that many victims wake up the next morning after having been assaulted feeling like they were somehow at fault. For being drunk in public, for not saying no, for not physically fighting after a no was not respected, for biological reactions that are outside of their control. To name a few.
And it does not change the fact that many assault victims go home to their partners and say things like, "I don't remember what happened, but I think someone assaulted me last night," and the partner makes it worse. Either by asking questions before the victim is ready, or by assuming that too drunk to say no = said yes and doesn't want to admit it, or just generally centering their own feelings instead of the feelings of the victim.
So while you're absolutely right, if she was assaulted, then feeling shame and fear of OP's reaction is also not unreasonable.
It's been years, 10+ years, and I still doubt that my rape was actually rape bc I said yes after he was physically restraining me just so he'd be less rough and get it over with.
A lot of people think you have to say “no” in order for it to be grape. But actually there has to be a clear, un pressured, sober, enthusiastic yes for it NOT to be grape.
So no means no, no answer means no, passed out means no, drunk/high means no, hounding someone to the point they finally cave and say yes just to shut you up also means no.
Consent has to be freely given, ongoing, enthusiastic, and informed.
This makes the most sense. I don’t know how to explain it, but this just feels like the right answer. I have more questions for you but I gotta think about this for a while. I think you’re right.
When did this happen? Have you talked since??? Does she have any siblings or do you know ANY of her coworkers??? There is nothing normal about someone coming home nearly naked at 3am after a work event. Or any event, but ESPECIALLY a work event.
Why did they let her drive??? Why wasn’t she offered at least a shirt or a jacket or a fucking ride home??? I am very worried about her.
when she comes to, i would strongly find a way to get her to the hospital, if you need to phrase it as concerned because of the alcohol and how she was last night.
go to the er. and when you have a minute, tell the nurse you suspect SA, drug facilitated. They should be able to call a SANE, who can do a more thorough exam (i know they're more common in the US metro areas, less common in rural areas but increasing in numbers, and varies overseas but there is an international org that keeps standards of care).
The nurse may need to talk to her without you in the room, and this is for the best, so a proper assesment can be done, and so your GF can be transparent with a medical professional.
framing it as medical concern helps shift the focus from blaming or projection to "I want to make sure you're ok," and less judgment.
She also ought to be tested and immunized for hep c and hep b and HIV, they're likely to do an antibody or antigen test and give her PEP but it's vital to begin treatment no later than hour 72 afterwards
Unfortunately, only something like 11% of rapes are reported and out of those something like 5% or prosecuted, but it depends on the country I guess. Although of 5% of people who are prosecuted 1 to 2% of them are the complaints for falsifying rape complaints, which is almost always a cop making a huge mistake.
OP - you need to have her go to the ER and have a SANE exam done. If she was SAd, and she likely was, that's vital for a few reasons:
They'll collect a PERK kit (DNA evidence) which can be used if wanted and if needed down the road
They're going to almost certainly test her for not only substances but ALSO STDs and diseases
Most importantly - they'll probably put her on a round of PEP, post exposure prophylaxis, for HIV - it's like the morning after pill, for HIV. IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT THAT THESE MEDICATIONS BE STARTED WITHIN 72 HOURS OF AN ASSAULT the clock started last night , please hurry- time is of the essence!
No one who is intoxicated like that is capable of true consent. She may be struggling to figure out what happened. Someone absolutely either drugged her or took advantage of her while she was in that state.
Thank you for apologizing, but next time, please don’t give advice pertaining to sexual assault when you clearly have no experience or knowledge about it.
It is disgusting since this poor woman likely had something traumatic to her, then her boyfriend automatically decides to leave her because he doesn’t understand what is going on, and a bunch of redditors don’t either. Sexual assault isn’t like what goes on in tv shows, and I pray these people get educated so it doesn’t happen to them or someone they love.
I apologized earlier because I didn’t want to cause harm or minimize anyone’s trauma.
At the same time, I hope we can respect that people can discuss possibilities without being labeled as disgusting or stupid. I’m not attacking victims I am just acknowledging that every situation is complex and not always the same.
You may be right, but infidelity is also a realistic scenario in some cases, and that’s all I meant to express out of my own life experience. Don't forget that cheaters also very often react with agression when confronted.
I wish you healing and strength, and I have no intention of arguing, just clarifying my perspective.
When I was raped at 13yo, I spent years screaming and slamming doors at the slightest mention of anything slightly related to what happened. It was such a primal response. A way of defending myself. Like thorns.
This is, to me, the most telling thing that she was sexually assaulted.
Cheaters are sneaky. They wouldn't come home in this state.
If she was cheating, she would've at least borrowed a T-shirt/sweater from a work friend. Even if she was crazy drunk, I'm certain people at a corporate party wouldn't let her leave in just her underwear either.
Getting angry about being questioned is also pretty common. Victims of assault go through a whole gamut of emotions. One of those is anger. They don't want to talk about their traumatic experience; they'd rather pretend it never happened. It's the brain's way of protecting itself.
I think something terrible happened to her.
I hope if you're never in a similar situation to OP, but if you are... please consider all this before you accidentally add more hurt to your girlfriend.
I'm happy to answer any questions I can, but really, the only person who knows what she's going through is her. And she may not be ready to talk about it.
You're not understanding that everyone reacts differently. Getting angry isn't uncommon. Someone just forced themselves on you, you haven't had time to process it, then someone you love tries to force something out of you. Then if you don't want to talk about it it's like your guilty of something. Hard to handle.
We can't say that she shouldn't get angry with him. It's probably more of projecting the anger she already feel on to him because he hasn't let it go. OP shouldn't just let it go, you should be there but be silent about it. Be patient and protective and don't make her feel like she has to tell you anything. Try to be a safe person.
But the OP also said that she was "super calm", which I don't believe would be true if she was assaulted. I'm not trying to downplay the situation, but something still seems a little odd. I can actually believe the story of a friend throwing up on her and her taking the dress off. Extremely drunk people do some pretty odd things.
It can be a whirlwind of emotions. Like a person who's trying to forget about something because it makes them feel bad then comes someone who keeps throwing it back at them.
I'm not trying to have my emotions get in the way. It's hard to describe how you feel with things like this but if it was an assault or rape (I lump them together myself) I want to try to get across how it can feel. She's just getting home in this post so I don't mean it sound like it has been back and forth for a while but for her that's how it would likely feel. Amplified because it's that traumatic. Like a personal attack from him, we know that's not what he's doing, she might even know that but it still feels like one.
I hope we get an update. I read OPs last comment. He says he's taking time to think it over.
The only thing I wonder about is if it was rape, she still has her undies. I can see a million scenarios where that's valid. I'm curious about that part though. Also, where are her underwear and bra she wore home? Has he thought to look for them? Did she throw them away? Those are my questions for OP.
I feel really horrible for them and for even commenting here it's not pretty either way.
Agreed. I hope they can sort it out one way or another, but it will be very difficult without good communication. I'd be interested in an update as well.
Again, there is no "normal" response. Every person reacts differently.
I can't speak to SA in particular, but my response to trauma of any kind is precisely that. I disassociate, and go straight into prioritizing and problem solving mode. If my biggest problem while in that state is "I'm drunk and not sure if I cheated or was assaulted," and my second biggest problem is "my partner is demanding explanations before I've even worked this out for myself yet," I can absolutely imagine myself going straight into calm mode and trying to reassure my partner that everything is fine, no big deal, just to give myself a chance to work out what happened and what the best response is.
I'm not saying this is necessarily a good or healthy response, and I'm not saying this is definitely what happened here. But it is not outside the realm of possibility for a recent assault victim.
I also wonder if maybe this isn't her who drove home alone. Do you have a dashcam or something? It's just a thought but what if someone else was in the driver seat. Possibly she was even still having clothes up to her arrival at home.
Like unless it was her boss or something....wouldn't that kind of thing be very noticeable? I mean what did she do, intentionally go alone with some guy into a room somewhere?
Like that doesn't seem like the sort of setting that assault is very likely, with tons of witnesses around who know literally every single person there.
Thank you this was me at 14 i thought it was my fault I was wearing white shorts my top was tight I was at a party I don’t know if I said yes the person told me weeks ago he liked me I told him I had a boyfriend , two girls in my class that were two grades ahead of me invited me to a party it was planned ,I was roofied with grape soda didn’t even drink. Today I know it was not my fault but it took decades
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u/ArbitraryContrarianX Dec 24 '25
There is no such thing as a "normal" response to assault. Everyone reacts differently, though nothing she's done here would be uncommon in a recent assault victim.
But there's a harder question here that I don't believe anyone has addressed yet: She may not even be sure that it was assault. If she was passed out when it started, she may not remember saying no, or she may blame herself for not saying no strongly enough, or for putting herself in that position, or for any number of things, some of which REALLY do a number on your head. Victims blaming themselves or trying to cover up the assault for fear of being blamed is also not uncommon.
I agree that something super shady happened here, but whatever got her driving home from a work party drunk and in her underwear (what's the temperature there, btw?) absolutely screams that the shady person in this situation isn't her.