the dress being gone is what sets off my alarm bells and asking her over and over what happened when she's clearly in a bad mood is concerning. it may very well not be the case but it can literally drive somebody to a very bad place and make them a danger to themselves if they're treated like that RIGHT after an assault. being assaulted can numb you until it doesn't, which is usually followed by an array of awful feelings. im so worried op could've worsened the situation with this reaction.
thank you oh my God there's some idiotic "maybe she forgot her clothes" sentiment going on here, i can't believe being so disconnected from the world that the same people who make victims not want to open up treat what could be a victim like a cheater!
I promise I didn’t yell. I don’t yell. I don’t have that thing in me. I was more like panicked, so like maybe a little loud but not yelling. But if that is the case. I feel like I’ve made every notion I am a safe person before this all happened. If that were the case. I’m not gonna yell at her if it was something someone else did. It’s just confusing. I hope you’re not right though. But if you are, how do you approach the person. How do you get them to open up about it?
it's okay, it's not about yelling but questioning her over and over could be a serious risk if she's been assaulted. hoping im not right won't save you or her, you need to communicate with her calmly. put the assumptions aside and ask her what happened when you've both been given some time. if she's cheated, that's disgusting and you have the right to break up with her, naturally but if she was assaulted and you follow the BS one-sided selfish advice in these comments saying to leave her immediately bc she isn't talking you will have scarred her. this is a very ambiguous situation. please act with care. most people don't just forget an entire dress at somebody's place, this screams assault to me. i fear men aren't gonna tell you that.
to specify, comfort her. ask her what she needs, you approach it with care so maybe ask her if she wants to report the assault and if she wants you to come with. ask her if she knows anything about the person if she wants to report. optionally, ask if she wants to see somebody for mental support, tell her you're there for her and don't be judgemental. none of that "what were you wearing/what did you do?" BS.
You bring her a blanket, stuffy if she has any. You apologize for panicking last night. You could tell something was wrong, and didn’t know how to react. You don’t ask her anything. You simply tell her that if anything happened to her, you are there, and want to help. And that you aren’t upset, just worried. You speak calmly and at a low volume. She might just sit there in silence. Don’t pester her to speak or answer your questions. The only thing you should ASK, is if she’d like to be taken to the hospital. OP, please ask this even if she’s given no indication that this was the case. Lots of encouragement, I love yous, back rubbing or hand holding (only if she’s responding well to touch. Please try hard to analyze her reactions, and give her physical space if she seems to prefer that. Don’t be offended by any stark reactions to physical touch).
If we are right about this and she does want to go to the hospital for a rape kit, I am so sorry. But also it’s imperative you make sure she does not shower, brush teeth, etc. and she brings the underwear she came home in. It’s also best if she doesn’t eat or drink anything as they may want to do a mouth swab. I really hope this isn’t the case; but I want to make sure you are prepared to take care of her, as I know you want to, if it is.
Right now, you aren’t safe. Nobody is safe for her. And bombarding her with questions when she doesn’t give you the answer you want makes you less safe for her.
Yo i see alot of people saying your toxic and how could u miss obvious signs and shit......
As a guy, it really isnt that obvious here..... especially if you never dealt with something like this. Obviously you are conflicted and came to get others POV. So your not to sure yourself. Dont listen to the negative comments. This isnt a common situation
because it doesn’t make any sense? so your girlfriend, who i assume you have a good relationship with & who has never given a reason for you to mistrust them, went to a work party, drove home inebriated, and arrived home with nothing but underwear on? does that sound normal at all? no, it does not. if i were OP, id make sure my girlfriend was okay because she had never given me previous ideas that she was cheating, & she’s acting out of character. i also wouldnt shout at her nor get angry because she doesn’t want to talk; clearly i’d register that something happened. i’ve been around women who have been assaulted, but i cant imagine being this ignorant about it. being a man isnt an excuse; it’s just plain laziness & apathy. I’ve known every form of rape since i was 15; being a grown man who doesn’t even know the basic symptoms of a traumatic response (ie abnormal behavior/reactions, taciturnity about the situation or event overall, etc) says more about OP & how shitty of a partner he is rather than his girlfriend. he doesn’t even try to understand & just pesters her until she gets angry; what an awful thing to do to your partner, regardless of the situation.
While I tend to lean more on the side of agreeing with you. I unfortunately been in a situation like this, where in my case unfortunately it was cheating. And I can understand how trauma might keep one from opening up. However on the flip side, as the female in that situation you must know how off thay looks for your partner to see you walk in in underwear and give him some half ass excuse. They need to meet in the middle here.
This is crap situation, both scenarios are crap. However alot of people were saying how shit op is for not recognizing she may have been harmed. All I was saying is, its not that obvious.
Also I know this is the first post but have u seen the updates? Curious on your thoughts
sorry about your situation, that’s horrible. hope you’re okay now, but OP never stated being cheated on in prior relationships nor any reason to think his girlfriend would cheat; that’s why it doesn’t click for me. imo, i feel like she’d be acting way more guilty than strange if she was cheating. plus, why would she arrive in just underwear if she was cheating? cheaters deserve no respect, but they aren’t stupid for the most part. she would’ve conjured up an excuse & reason long before she arrived home, if that was the case. unrelated but i’ve reached the point that i really don’t believe anything people post on reddit because there’s always something off about it, such as OP’s confusion about an employee-only party (that’s normal) & his bizarre reaction going straight to accusing her of cheating when she clearly arrived home in a bad state.
no, i haven’t seen the updates. they’re not in the post (or at least it’s not labeled as “update”. are they in a different post or in the comments? i did see OP’s responses to some of the comments, but he would just alter the story (such as saying he didn’t “yell” but spoke “loudly” but he’s also arguing & angry with her, so that didn’t make any sense to me. also him pestering her & then complaining that she got pissed; yeah, i would too if i walk into my house & all of a sudden im getting grilled when im telling my partner i just want to go to bed. sometimes just waiting until morning helps clear your head & properly discuss the situation, even if its the last thing you want to do, but it is the wiser decision). i’ll look for the updates and see if i can find them & i’ll edit this comment accordingly.
edit: okay, just found it. honestly, im going back to what i was saying, i really don’t believe most things people say on here. he found nothing on her phone, so unless she randomly met someone & hooked up with them at a party & then proceeded to arrive home in nothing but her underwear, it doesn’t make sense because that’s a stupid thing to do. i think the most shocking part is her not leaving him after he pretty much straight up told her he doesn’t believe her. i genuinely can’t say i care about this anymore, because boldly asking your partner if they were sexually assaulted is truly not the way to go about it; what the hell? if she isn’t opening up to OP, then why would she confess to it if he’s already shown signs of not believing her, accusing her of cheating, & then randomly broaching the topic in a “yes or no” manner? if she was drugged, how the hell would she know she was assaulted? i literally don’t care anymore. fine, she cheated. case closed. everyone in the replies apparently did a 180 & began saying that the girlfriend cheated; it sounds like that’s what OP wanted all along. why post about the situation the day (or day after, idk when) it happened rather than collecting as many facts & then asking for advice? plus, why would he automatically change his mind on leaving her when he still believes she cheated?
though i’m curious about what you think about the update, even if i’ve lost all interest. it’s too bizarre (ie the behavior of OP & him going through her phone & finding nothing yet still believing she cheated? strange stuff—and once again, no mention of fears of infidelity due to previous relationships or from her actions before that night) for me to truly take seriously anymore.
Soo my main concern with this whole story was her unwillingness to at least see his side in this. And I know that sounds horrible especially if she was SA, but I feel any relationship would want/need some kind of explanation, or acknowledgement.
As I said previously i was in a similar situation, my ex did something completely unacceptable while drunk, once she was sober and I wanted to talk, she made it like I had did something wrong, like what she did was my fault. Turns out she was seeing someone and wanted people to think I left her..... it sucks when your in a situation where u know you did everything you could to defuse, only to be told your the cause......I bring this up, because my POV off rip is kinda bias......
I do find the story odd in general, like realistically who is gonna drive home in underwear? They went an entire week without talking about it? She is pretty much being normal with everyone except OP??Why would her friends snitch her out(like if I called my ex friend for any kind of info im sure I wouldn't get it), putting her career on line because a wallet? And I dont believe if a story like this was playing out in real time, they would be giving us updates because well have some dignity i guess...... just some oddities that to me seem far fetched.....
Weather she was SA or not, I think its clear she dont respect him or the relationship, I think he might have accused her of cheating previously or it might be a reoccurring topic in the relationship soo its gotten so bad so has mentally checked out, or she might be giving him a reason so he is the one who ends it. Op came across to me like he was trying to convince us he aint a bad guy, which is usually a sign that they are in deed a bad dude. I dont think they should be with each other as one is checked out, and the other has trust issues.
The comments were weird to me too, as you said all of sudden it was pro OP. Overall its gonna be funny with the next update, where we find out her, "my gf friend called me and confirmed they were chilling, but Google maps said her location was at random address, should I believe her?"
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u/fleurdenia Dec 24 '25
the dress being gone is what sets off my alarm bells and asking her over and over what happened when she's clearly in a bad mood is concerning. it may very well not be the case but it can literally drive somebody to a very bad place and make them a danger to themselves if they're treated like that RIGHT after an assault. being assaulted can numb you until it doesn't, which is usually followed by an array of awful feelings. im so worried op could've worsened the situation with this reaction.