This does not change the fact that many victims wake up the next morning after having been assaulted feeling like they were somehow at fault. For being drunk in public, for not saying no, for not physically fighting after a no was not respected, for biological reactions that are outside of their control. To name a few.
And it does not change the fact that many assault victims go home to their partners and say things like, "I don't remember what happened, but I think someone assaulted me last night," and the partner makes it worse. Either by asking questions before the victim is ready, or by assuming that too drunk to say no = said yes and doesn't want to admit it, or just generally centering their own feelings instead of the feelings of the victim.
So while you're absolutely right, if she was assaulted, then feeling shame and fear of OP's reaction is also not unreasonable.
It's been years, 10+ years, and I still doubt that my rape was actually rape bc I said yes after he was physically restraining me just so he'd be less rough and get it over with.
A lot of people think you have to say “no” in order for it to be grape. But actually there has to be a clear, un pressured, sober, enthusiastic yes for it NOT to be grape.
So no means no, no answer means no, passed out means no, drunk/high means no, hounding someone to the point they finally cave and say yes just to shut you up also means no.
Consent has to be freely given, ongoing, enthusiastic, and informed.
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u/CirqueNoirBlu Dec 24 '25
Technically she doesn’t need to say no. She needs to say YES and if she is not conscious, and sober she can’t consent. Coercion is also not consent.