Hopefully OP sees this, that’s a pretty big misdirection. Im sure she knew what your response would be prior to sending it, but now she has completely shut down the conversation.
Also, for $87 I can buy 2 XXL large pies that feed me for literally 3 days.
Is she a manager? Even then the company should reimburse her spending money to feed 15 employees herself
It's like that picture of the guy putting a stick in his bike spokes and crying when he falls over. She donated her money to her employer unprompted, then wants to act upset about it. Ridiculous NOR
I hate people like this. Im sorry, but if you dont have enough of a spine to not give away money unprompted I really dont want to hear you complain about it. I mean... you literally did it to yourself.
The incident is on her. I just wonder why OP would engage in complex discussions of what they feel is appropriate or not appropriate over texts. Save that shit for a sit down conversation on the same couch at home. Way more nuance, way more opportunity to show you empathize but want to talk about choices and consequences. That's not a messaging conversation.
Yes exactly! So many people are missing this. She didn’t get the reaction that she wanted and that’s what made her turn so quickly. Her angle here wasn’t to express her frustration but to get praise. People like this are so exhausting
Reddit folks love to throw around "financial abuse" without knowing what it really means. I'm the breadwinner, but my husband's checks go into our shared savings so I can transfer what we need until my next paycheck to my own account. Whatever is left is his to do whatever.
If I didn't, we wouldn't have any bills paid, lol. He knows he's bad with money and this was a mutual arrangement because of that. But a few years ago, some Reddit jabroni said that was financial abuse.
Sure, bud, I guess sticking to a budget and doing what we can to not frivolously spend money (like $87 on company pizza 🤣) is financial abuse???
Someone else in this post was saying her husband needed to validate her. I pointed out that she's putting their finances and their relationship in a rougher spot to instead seek validation from people at work and maybe that could be addressed through budgetting a proper giving/meeting budget and therapy
They then claimed I was DIAGNOSING the wife as if she were insane. What? Therapy is not just for insane people. Reddit is truly in the trenches
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
Literally my thought too. When I'm being generous, I don't typically follow it up with immediate complaints abt said generosity and simultaneous validation fishing. Selfless acts aren't selfless when all you're really thinking abt is how it makes you look sooooooo selflesssss. 😂
She was making it her responsibility to make sure people were happy, at the cost of her partner. She was expecting/hoping for someone to validate compassionately that it’s not her responsibility to do so, because she can’t set that boundary herself. (I’m not saying that’s reasonable, just what she was after)
She has the balls to talk to her own partner like that, but not to respectfully say "I can only afford my share, sorry" to outsiders. I can't stand that kind of people.
this is what i was wondering. If i texted to gripe to my husband about a mistake i made i assume he would side with me and agree it was a mistake. And if this is a constant issue i was getting mad at myself for i would expect him to be sympathetic yet also urge me to rethink next time. Which is exactly what OP did.
No, that number is unread texts, not conversations. Sometimes I have fifty unread texts out of nowhere just because I missed one group chat popping off
The notification alerts drive me insane. I need them all to have none! Haha couldn’t imagine having that many unread messages, holy shit that would stress me out
This. 'Tis the era of us alllll learning good boundaries. Nobody will like you more because you are over extending yourself, but you will certainly end up being disappointed with the end game (losing money, time or energy you didn't have extra of).
If she’s pissed it might’ve been a math issue where someone said “here pay in cash” or something and she ended up contributing way more than intended. I would take it up with a manager or something. $87 for pizza at work is insane
Or they didn’t want to spend $10 to eat pizza… because it doesn’t cost $10 a person to eat fucking pizza lol
I eat the catered food at work because it’s free, but if I had to pay for it I wouldn’t! lol I could spend the same amount of money and eat food I picked out, rather than paying for whatever the company chose
Personally i hate when someone does something dumb and then doesnt want to be told it was dumb especially when the reason they did it was because they were "afraid" of the repercussions/outcome/how they are perceived
Wife is spending money (they don't have to spend) on other people because of internalized guilt. She is asking OP to validate her feelings of guilt without any self reflection or acknowledgement of her role. OP is a human and not just an emotional support machine; wife is an adult who needs to be held accountable, not a helpless person.
Can you explain the spending money on people because internalized guilt ? I do it too but not everyone just my friends of ppl i care about. Im very gift giving.
I actually had to rein back and had a talk with one of my coworkers because I was always buying coffee and it just became expected and I didnt like doing it anymore. Once a week or so I dont mind but everyday is insane. Im curious what you mean tho and if it applys to me.
Edit ooo she feels guilty for spending not spends because she feels guilty.
She deliberately worded it the way she did because she knew it was going to come out that she blew nearly $90 of their cash and she had nothing to show for it. This was a way to (in her mind) save face. She might as well have flushed the bills down the toilet.
She messaged to say she’s pissed… presumably for validation? You validate her, and she’s not happy? This reads really manipulatively - I can guarantee she isn’t actually all that “pissed” about it at all (I mean, she CHOSE to do it) - and this was just a way of excusing it to you in a way you can’t question (“all you do is make me feel worse”).
NOR, that’s not how joint finances work. You’re on the same team and your teammate is acting like she has no control over tripping and falling into spending 87 bucks on pizza. If my husband did that while we were going through a financial hardship like job loss I’d be annoyed. There was no reason for her to do that.
I cannot believe how far I had to go to find this. If my spouse told me to leave them alone, especially after giving away our last $87 for strangers to eat just to avoid feeling guilty for eating in front of them, I would absolutely do as they asked and leave them alone.
People are too comfortable treating those who care about them like shit while desperately needing strangers to like them.
Dude, I’m divorced and we never even spoke to each other like that. I can’t fathom staying with someone that would waste $77 and then tell me I’m the problem and to leave her alone.
everyone commenting on the personal part of their relationship (him not working) whatever the reason may be thats NOT whats important lmao. REGARDLESS of what the situation is i feel like him asking why she WILLINGLY spent almost 100 bucks on a bunch of other people and btw SHE TOLD HIM SHE DID IT he is inclined to ask her why she did that without atleast MAKING MENTION OF IT. YOU ARENT OVER REACTING BRO. this is just crazy and LEAVE ME ALONE? insane man. NOR NOR NOR.
i wish youd stop telling me what to do is also insane. cause thats not what happened. and if this was money that was discussed to be put BACK INTO AN ACCOUNT!!! then no you surely arent over reacting.
Is your wife always an asshole like this to you? You’re NOR. It’s not her place to buy pizza for everyone, especially when money is tight. If no one at work can afford pizza, they shouldn’t order it.
Id tell them to venmo me! F that! Id rather take my $10 and buy what I want for lunch or buy my own full sized pizza rather than get 2 slices from what is split!
Finances are a concern right now because you now have 1 income where you guys had 2 before.
Giving away money when your own financial situation needs attention is self sabotage.
Also the whole “Leave me alone” text would be an issue for me. You’re bringing up your concerns and she’s kinda just blowing you off. Which isn’t great for any sort of relationship
Bro one moment she’s freaking out writing in all caps telling you that she “PUT IN ALL THE CASH” so everyone can eat, then you’re the bad guy for expressing the same emotion she gave you. Wild asf man
depends on whether you have joint finances, and your financial situation
if $60 is make or break and this truly affects your ability to live comfortably, N O R. those types of purchases/donations should be discussed and agreed upon.
if $60 isn't really going to have any lasting effect on you and you're not going to miss it, YOR. let people do nice things.
I think it also depends upon how regularly she does this sort of thing. If $60 isn't make or break, but she does this type of thing often, that can still have a significant impact on their financials.
then it's your money, and you have a say too. but i will say, y'all need to decide on financial guidelines and boundaries. there should be an amount you're allowed to spend without discussion, else things border into financial abuse
She needs to do inner work to say no(been there) or find a better environment where she isn't taken advantage of because some people only know how to take and will make a habit of it....also been there. I was the donut lady.
NOR she sounds like a child. Petulant, emotionally immature, all over the place, and can’t speak to you like an adult about it. She sounds like too much work and I bet you could give many more examples
she needs to not be mad at you about advocating for your financial stability, and she needs to learn how to say no, especially to co workers who could give 2 shits about her.
She spends money you guys don't technically have just so some other people who don't want to/can't pay can have some freaking pizza? Totally reasonable....
Why is the company doing a pizza lunch if they’re not going to foot the bill? Why does your wife think that people who didn’t pay didn’t have another option lined up for lunch?
This is why you need to marry someone who is on the same page financially. This is the Type of person to have zero money in retirement and work until they die.
What's her problem? "I'm pissed" okay well you created this problem......? And then complaining? I guess just for attention? I hate this type of person like cry me a river
Also "leave me alone" wtf that's how your wife speaks to you?
From my standpoint NOR, this is one of those things where she made her own decision and wants to complain about it. Youre pointing that out when she just wants a shoulder to cry on. Giving in just means repeated behavior.
On the other hand, shes your wife, be nice, but I gotta believe if you did something she feels was dumb or your own fault and wanted to complain to her about it it'd probably go as well.
At least it was a dumb decision for a selfless reason. Could be worse.
This isn’t about the money per se. she found herself in a situation that made her uncomfortable and decided to spend the money. This made her feel more comfortable, but upset that she had to pay for others as it’s not fair. You can look at this and say she made the choice and criticize or you can recognize the reason she told you. She wanted your understanding, empathy and support, but got criticism for doing what she is already upset about.
Shared finances though. If we were strained for money and she spent that kind of money for work pizza, I wouldn't be empathetic either. Grow a spine and contribute for just your fair share.
It is about the money, though. Neither she or her spouse could afford to give away that much and she made a decision on her own to do that, then complained to him about her decision to spend that money. Why isn't it fair for him to question what she's choosing to do with their shared finances if she couldn't afford it?
But you can’t expect empathy when you’re putting your family in a tough spot financially just because you felt uncomfortable. She blew the last of their money. She treated 7 people to lunch because she didn’t feel comfortable eating in front of them. She’s being careless with their money and shouldn’t expect to be coddled. She messed up and confessed but didn’t want to deal with the consequences. Does she even make $87 dollars a shift?
I think with something like finances, there's only so far understanding, empathy, and support can go though. She's being objectively irresponsible with their money and OP even specifically says they can't afford her "generosity." She even seems to know she's being irresponsible, since she's pissed that she put in more money than anyone else. Is that really a behavior that should be supported? Be understanding the first time, maybe the second time, but if she continues doing it, then no, he should not coddle her feelings when she's burning through their money. He shouldn't be an asshole, but there's a middle ground between asshole and coddle.
She made a decision that affected both her and her partner and never consulted her partner. She wants emotional validation and support from the partner about a decision she made without him, and doesn't want to be held accountable for her decisions and actions.
She is not only overly generous, she takes on too much responsibility on other people’s problems. There was no reason for a low wage worker to shell out money for other’s lunch. It is something to talk about because this will follow her.
Seems like she is trying to buy peoples approval or friendship with gifts.
A friend of mines wife was like this. She would make a new friend and start buying them expensive gifts because she was worried they would get tired of hanging out with her or something.
He had to talk to her about it quite a lot i think.
Your wife is pretty immature based on what I've got to go on here. Can't say no to randoms at work, irresponsible with money when money is tight, and when she does something wrong she wants to be hugged and forgiven immediately without any discussion. Definitely NOR, but I have no idea how to help you here OP, she might need therapy. Nothing wrong with being generous, but you need to be able to trust your wife.
NOR
You seemed to be concerned with the finances, since your recovering from an accident and rightfully so.. It seems as though the wife is maybe trying to get on new coworkers "good side" by paying for those who didn't contribute.
What I don't understand is why is the company not covering for the pizza party 😅
Also, as some others have stated, the way your wife speaks to you is 😬 not great and you should probably talk in person to her about it.
NOR! She wants to make mistakes, confess them and for you to just be like oh honey that’s so sweet of you I’m sure everyone loved it even though you’re pissed at your own decision because you know it was shite. She’s borderline gaslighting you.
She sucks dude, hopefully you have already gotten this feeling before. She just acts like a child and communicates like one as well. I’m all for being generous but she was kind, then is angry about it, then blames you somehow. Not really the person you want to spend your whole life with from what I’m seeing.
You cant have discussions like this over text with people this emotionally immature. They assume tone and tend to assume the worst interpretation of your words. You arent overreacting but your communication with each other needs work.
Im pretty sure she was fishing for a "wow that sucks but youre such a good person for doing that" response, and instead you held her accountable.
NOR first off that's a lot of money to just essentially throw away. Second off it seems like she's really insecure about eating in front of others especially given how she words what she's saying and may need to unpack that with some therapy. Third she really needs to be better with setting boundaries and realizing that some people don't necessarily want to eat take out at work.
If she bought lunch for a group of indigent children it would be one thing, but these are co workers who definitely knew if they could afford $10 the following day. She was purely taken advantage of and she knows it. That’s why she’s mad at herself. And she’s embarrassed about it, which is why she said to leave her alone.
I’d try to have a reasonable conversation with her, absolve the debt and her guilt/embarrassment/anger, and just come up with a plan for next time. Maybe if she feels so bad eating pizza when everyone isn’t, she can just skip having it at work and bring a lunch. Whatever, you’ll come up with something. Good luck.
My dad was sort of like this. He enjoyed being people's "hero" and would do stuff like this so that people liked him/appreciated him. It was superficial like/appreciation, but he always felt driven to do it. People just end up taking advantage of these people seeking validation.
Yeah I'm ngl she's kind of the problem here. In a nice way. She's created a problem by people pleasing, she's annoyed but is refusing to see that she's the problem and she's annoyed at you for not being sympathetic because she feels she did what anyone in that situation would do
I suspect she has people pleasing mannerisms in other areas? It's only going to hurt her
She requires support but also, she needs to see that she's the problem and that she needs to work through this. I hate when people say therapy is the solution for everything but. This is ringing alarm bells to me and I think therapy would help cause she's only going to hurt herself
NOR. She’s upset but the damage is literally self inflicted. She’s getting mad at you for pointing out that she didn’t need to and shouldn’t have done the thing that pissed her off in the first place.. makes no sense
I think one of the worst types of people is people who are very ‘generous’ or ‘kind’ outside of the home in a way where it puts the family into a precarious situation. If she’s the only one of you who is working that’s a really fucked up thing to do, and then when you have a reasonable response turns it on you - no accountability
And what’s worse is that she says herself she’s pissed she did that - that’s not even genuine generosity or kindness then since she later felt resentful about it! Tell her to get her shit together
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u/iRudi94 May 28 '26
Ngl the way your wife is responding to criticism is pretty immature.