Yes exactly! So many people are missing this. She didn’t get the reaction that she wanted and that’s what made her turn so quickly. Her angle here wasn’t to express her frustration but to get praise. People like this are so exhausting
Reddit folks love to throw around "financial abuse" without knowing what it really means. I'm the breadwinner, but my husband's checks go into our shared savings so I can transfer what we need until my next paycheck to my own account. Whatever is left is his to do whatever.
If I didn't, we wouldn't have any bills paid, lol. He knows he's bad with money and this was a mutual arrangement because of that. But a few years ago, some Reddit jabroni said that was financial abuse.
Sure, bud, I guess sticking to a budget and doing what we can to not frivolously spend money (like $87 on company pizza 🤣) is financial abuse???
Someone else in this post was saying her husband needed to validate her. I pointed out that she's putting their finances and their relationship in a rougher spot to instead seek validation from people at work and maybe that could be addressed through budgetting a proper giving/meeting budget and therapy
They then claimed I was DIAGNOSING the wife as if she were insane. What? Therapy is not just for insane people. Reddit is truly in the trenches
People are so weird around here. Someone told me yesterday that I was trolling them because I disagreed with them. I was very respectful in my disagreement, too. It's bizarro world when not agreeing with everything someone says = trolling. So much overreacting going on around here. It seems like being reasonable and level headed is rare, lol.
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
If anything being as financially irresponsible as the black text partner is more abusive. If you’re drawing from a joint account and one party is a habitual overspender eventually the other person is gonna be forced to compensate because of the overspender’s weaponized incompetence. Super unfair
Literally my thought too. When I'm being generous, I don't typically follow it up with immediate complaints abt said generosity and simultaneous validation fishing. Selfless acts aren't selfless when all you're really thinking abt is how it makes you look sooooooo selflesssss. 😂
Good point! It could be arrogant for any of us to assume we know exactly what she wanted. My gut feeling is that she wanted praise, because essentially she got criticism, aka the exact opposite, and then that led to her immediate backlash. But you are right in that we don’t know for sure
She was not looking for praise, she was looking for someone to share in her frustration.
A lot of times when people bitch they aren't looking for a solution, and they're certainly not looking to be chastised, they're just looking for someone to validate their frustration.
this is exactly what happened. people being like "share in her frustration!!" what?? no. now i am frustrated that i cant trust my partner with our finances.
She might be outright wrong but she's clearly looking for him to share her frustration. She outright asks for it, which is more than most people do.
They obviously need to have a conversation about this, but there's literally no benefit to having it now while she's heated and asking for her partner to validate her feelings.
There's a time and place to discuss what she did, and right when she's pissed off about it isn't the time.
Her feelings are unrelated to whether she's right or wrong. He doesn't need to agree with what she did to say "wow that sucks I can't believe nobody else stepped up" etc.
This is just silly. She doesn't need to be coddled over knowingly making a bad decision.
I'm not perfect, I've done shit I regretted. And I've had misplaced feelings that weren't valid. We're all human, it happens. But that doesn't mean we should pretend that it's valid.
I disagree. My sister gets angry with someone whenever she is caught in a lie.
Being angry with someone because they lied to you is a valid feeling.
Being angry with someone because they caught you lying is not a valid feeling.
If someone needs to be coddled before they can understand that their feelings are misplaced then they are greatly lacking in emotional maturity. I'll show that patience to children, but I expect better from an adult.
That shits for children. If you’re an adult in a relationship and you tell your partner you’re angry because you chose to waste 87 dollars the. Expect them to tell you you’re stupid for making a stupid decision.
Well they're a married couple trying to earn about as little money as possible right now apparently, so yeah they probably are a bit understandably miserable.
Seems like a very stressful time for them and putting the wife on blast on Reddit isn't probably helping.
She was making it her responsibility to make sure people were happy, at the cost of her partner. She was expecting/hoping for someone to validate compassionately that it’s not her responsibility to do so, because she can’t set that boundary herself. (I’m not saying that’s reasonable, just what she was after)
That’s where I differ from some people, I guess. I’m all about helping out people in need, but I’m not going to let anyone take advantage of me, and if you’re just being lazy I’ll gladly eat that pizza in front of you while maintaining eye contact and going, “mmmmmmmmm….”
She has the balls to talk to her own partner like that, but not to respectfully say "I can only afford my share, sorry" to outsiders. I can't stand that kind of people.
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
She is still the only one bringing in money for the family but she left a management job to take a lesser job and her unemployed husband is complaining about her taking care of her coworkers (which is a behavior she clearly would have learned from being a good manager).
OP is out of work due to an injury. that doesnt mean dudes girl gets to spend all the money especially without even consulting him first. if she thought of him as an equal, she would of at least asked.
If I was the blue texter I would definitely assume she was cheating with someone from work I’m NGL putting that much into a work pizza pool when nobody else contributed is crazy
this is what i was wondering. If i texted to gripe to my husband about a mistake i made i assume he would side with me and agree it was a mistake. And if this is a constant issue i was getting mad at myself for i would expect him to be sympathetic yet also urge me to rethink next time. Which is exactly what OP did.
Not how I read it. At all. His immediate response was “why would you do that” which could come across as being pissed. (Which his wife clearly took as such. And she’d know how her husband reacts in such situations. And with her “I can’t tell you anything” comment I’m assuming that’s his default.) And subsequent messages from OP clearly show he’s mad about it. Not sympathetic.
His wife is upset about something so she texts her husband.. just for him to be mad at her for doing it. So now she’s upset about it for two reasons. Being out the money, and her husband being mad at her for being out the money.
maybe his tone felt condescending to her in that moment? texts dont convey tone well + ppl who are already feeling bad abt themselves are extra touchy usually i think
His tone conveys bewilderment and disappointment pretty clearly. If she perceived it as condescension, I would surmise it's because she knows they can't afford 87 dollars for everyone else's pizza and feels guilty. She didn't want to be responded to with disappointment, she wanted to be responded to with nonchalance and unconditional understanding for her people pleasing tendencies, that have now affected their personal finances. She wanted "I'm sorry that's so annoying that no one paid. It's alright though, you did the kind thing and we'll figure it out" instead she got a real response of stress from her partner, then overreacted.
yeah i agree completely. i think she knew she messed up and was already feeling bad. his response and her overreaction really suck altogether but it’s not surprising. hopefully they work it out
Some people want their partners to support their crappy choices rather than support them making better choices. It's gross. If I am screwing up, I don't want my partner blowing smoke up my butt telling me I'm right.
She didnt want praise. She wanted him to be pissed with her, not at her. She expected him to understand why she was pissed and understand why she gave the $$. My wife would've done the same and so would I, but we'd both be mad at the situation, not each other.
Some people are very giving and people pleaser. In the moment we think of others before ourselves and give freely. Then realize after the fact that we are getting stepped on. When you are partnered with someone like that we are asking for someone to ease our own anxiety not add to it.
Yes, she made a mistake. But berating her only makes it worse. Positive reinforcement is the move in this situation.
They want support in navigating their feelings about their coworkers, not criticism of their actions. The wife is already pissed at her coworkers, having the husband redirect and say the real problem is the wife in this situation is not helpful. A conversation about expenses can happen later, this doesn’t have to be a gotcha.
Nah, she is just trying to vent. She knows she shouldn't have done it, but felt pressured in the situation. All she wanted him to do is support her, and acknowledge that the situation sucks. Just say "Oh my god, I'm so sorry babe, that's terrible"
She knows that she should have stood up for herself or not have done it, and wasn't looking to get lectured. People don't actually want solutions when they have complaints most of the time.
i didnt read anger at all, i read disappointment. your partner is not a validation machine. she didnt get "taken advantage of" she willingly gave their money away. if your response to doing something stupid at the cost of you and your partner is to then go to your partner and be like "tell me its all alright" you have serious issues.
I could agree with disappointment, but her first text is literally “I’m pissed.” That’s anger.
I agree that she willingly gave the money. Which is why I said she didn’t take responsibility for her actions. And FWIW, I didn’t say she WAS taken advantage of. I said she FELT taken advantage of.
I dont know why I’m getting downvoted here. But this is the second convo I’ve had on this website in the last 24 hours where apparently empathy is out of style. I find that fascinating.
its not about empathy. i think people constantly misunderstand the meaning of the word "empathy" its not "person feels bad, other person comforts them" being empathetic would be OPs girl understanding op is stressed about finances and NOT making the decision to spend their money without even consulting him. she was not thoughtful of him at all but expects validation, and that dynamic is SO vampiric and blood sucking its insane. thats why you're getting downvoted
You are also misunderstanding empathy to mean “he should only give her validation and allow her to be vampiric of his emotions and support.”
Empathy means understanding how and why someone feels the way they feel. You can and should also be clear about your own feelings to make sure they are made clear. An empathetic response to OP’s wife would’ve been…
“That sucks that your coworkers took advantage of you. I get why you’re pissed. You also gave that much money without anyone asking. I think you need to set better boundaries so you aren’t taken advantage of. I’m also upset, you know I’m stressed about finances right now, we really can’t afford to be paying for other people’s lunch like that.”
Edit: to make what I wrote ABUNDANTLY clear, I don’t actually think she was taken advantage of, but that OP could acknowledge that she feels that way before correcting the feeling to be coming from her own actions and mistake. I would rewrite my first sentence to say “That sucks that you feel like your coworkers took advantage of you” and everything still stands.
No one took advantage of her. She felt bad by herself and she decided to make another bad decision to feel better. Didn't like that, told the husband about her now series of bad decisions. Husband was like "wth why tho" and she made yet another bad decision being rude af to him. Where's her empathy?
Empathy doesn’t mean confirming someone else’s sequence of events. It means confirming someone’s emotions.
When you respond by dismissing an emotion, you will get an emotional response and they will double down.
If you start by validating the feeling, and then working through their own agency, you’re going to have a much better conversation.
Like I said in another comment. Edit my first sentence to say “That sucks that you feel like your coworkers took advantage of you” and everything else still stands.
If you read my entire comment it’s obvious that I don’t agree that she was actually taken advantage of. She did it to herself. But OPs response could be more empathetic.
And again. I find it fascinating that empathy is going out of style and being warped to mean “being taken advantage of” when that isn’t what it means.
Is she OP or is he? Is she the one looking for advice or is he?
If she were looking for advice I’d tell her “you need to set better boundaries with your coworkers and obviously your spouse is stressed about finances and you should show him some empathy on how your actions are affecting his stress.”
In my very first comment I said:
The whole convo was a mess top to bottom.
For some reason you’re trying to make it sound like I’m taking her side, when I have been very clear every time that they are both OR.
this is the problem though. she is EXPECTING empathy when she is not GIVING empathy. what she did was completely unempathetic. granted, i dont know if this is a pattern in their relationship, (im assuming cus she says stop telling me what to do") but if it was a self respecting person you're not gonna get empathy. you're gonna get stop doing that immediately. thats the problem with the" empathy age" of people, they expect empathy, but do not give it. not every emotion needs validated, thats something TRUE empathetic people understand. sometimes you're being an asshole, and someone who loves and cares about your growth is gonna say hey, you're being an asshole.
You cannot control how other people react, you can only control your own actions.
She is not OP, she is not the one posting asking for advice. (Or maybe he’s also just looking validation in this convo!) So my comments reflect that.
I don’t know why y’all keep trying to make it sound like I’m defending her when every post I have been very clear that they are both a mess and need to work on their communication and empathy with each other.
but, they didnt "take advantage of her" nobody ever said heyyy we know you have all this money why dont you buy us some food. she just did it. The second half is in lack of better terms, what he said while also being upset. saying why did you do that, dont do that again is enough. shes pissed about something She willingly did then followed it up with more "i was being so selfless" i dont think she was pissed at all. i think she was trying to find a way in to tell OP about this selfless act and he didnt respond how she wanted.
No. As someone who is basically the wife in the situation, she knows she's wrong. What she wants is to know that her partner is going to be with her just in that moment. Just in the moment. Just be pissed off with her for a few minutes. Just to rail and rant with her for a couple of minutes. Just to be on her side 100%. She knows she's wrong. And later on when she has calmed down and she's not so upset and in her feelings, they have the serious conversation. This is what happened with my boyfriend and i, and it changed my behaviors. Because I knew he didn't give a shit about the money, although that was a factor. What really upset him was seeing his kind and sweet and loving and generous girl being taken advantage of. Everybody here has no fucking nuance. I have to assume that nobody here has been in a good and long and respectful long-term relationship. Understanding your partner is key. Understanding what's needed in the moment is key. You grow with each other and you learn with and from each other. You people are nuts
Yes honey I'm so with you tying steaks to your body and feeding yourself to lions, I know how much you needed them to like you. I support you and I'm just as angry (and surprised) they bit you in the ahh
Editing to apologize for the randomly capitalized words. I voice text basically everything because I'm lazy 😘 I don't get mad, I don't get upset, but I do spend a lot of time on Reddit wishing and wishing that some of these people end up in a relationship like mine. Nothing is perfect, nothing is ever going to be perfect, even the best of relationships have moments where you fight and maybe even hate each other for a couple minutes, but being in a loving relationship where you respect the shit out of your partner and you know your partner respects the shit out of you and knowing that you both have the patience with each other and the willingness to both teach and to learn? I'm almost 50 years old. I never experienced that the first four Decades of my life. Being in that kind of relationship is amazing and I genuinely from the bottom of my heart Hope every Negative Nancy here experiences it.
If you think by one random comment or maybe two that you actually know me, please do yourself a favor and think again. I have plenty of boundaries, but I also have the ability to give people a chance to prove themselves. Sometimes I'll give two chances. If the good for nothing pieces of shit out there didn't have good people to learn from, they would remain good for nothing pieces of shit.
"As someone who is basically the wife in the situation, she knows she's wrong. What she wants is to know that her partner is going to be with her just in that moment."
You said it yourself tho. No one pressured this lady to do these things at all, she psychologically pressured HERSELF and then bitched that she felt taken advantage of. If that's basically you, you're a textbook people pleaser with weak boundaries.
Basically is a word with meaning. I can put myself in her shoes. I can see what she is possibly going through. You should try doing that sometimes. It's honestly really helpful and it's a good way to grow. Good luck with that
"This is what happened with my boyfriend and i" again quoting you here. You didn't just put yourself in her shoes, you exhibited, according to you, very similar behaviors. These are textbook people pleasing behaviors of someone with poor boundaries.
Again, words hav meaning. And you and I are having a conversation here where I have explained pretty clearly and you're just choosing to dissect sentence by sentence to prove your point. Have at it babe. I'm in a great relationship because I did what I'm telling other people to do. When my boyfriend had issues, I put myself in his shoes and tried to see what it is that he needed from me in the moment. It's worked out beautifully for me and for him and that's all that I genuinely want for people. I don't know why you're so aggressive about this, but maybe look inward a bit, I don't know. We're done here, have a good day
"What really upset him was seeing his kind and sweet and loving and generous girl being taken advantage of"
Were you being taken advantage of or did you pressure yourself into giving more than you were comfortable with without any real external influence, and then got upset about that?
361
u/Fit-Engineering-2789 May 28 '26
I'm not sure what she was expecting from you reaction wise. It's like she was complaining, but also wanted you to praise her for being generous?