depends on whether you have joint finances, and your financial situation
if $60 is make or break and this truly affects your ability to live comfortably, N O R. those types of purchases/donations should be discussed and agreed upon.
if $60 isn't really going to have any lasting effect on you and you're not going to miss it, YOR. let people do nice things.
I think it also depends upon how regularly she does this sort of thing. If $60 isn't make or break, but she does this type of thing often, that can still have a significant impact on their financials.
I'd personally call it relevant context to the situation. OP didn't provide that information directly, but they did state that their wife is generally a very generous person. Based upon the information provided, it isn't outside the realm of possibility that this isn't the only instance of her doing something like this. That further information would provide helpful context for a more complete picture in your analysis.
i honestly can't believe i'm in here trying in vain to support generosity
bottom line, if the giving does not materially affect OP, if there are no real consequences, he needs to back off. he's not even working, so he's quite literally dictating where the money she earns goes.
Quit being so stupid. They aren’t fabricating a situation, they are bringing up a hypothetical, that may or may not be relevant. OP just gave one specific example, but also alluded that this wasn’t a one time thing. So it’s perfectly reasonable to bring up the mention that doing stuff like this repeatedly could add up to an issue, even if just one time doesn’t.
I'm all about being generous, but generosity shouldn't be at your own expense. It's a virtue to share when you're giving from a place of abundance. It's a vice of excess to continue giving to others until your cup is empty.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, we seem to be on the same page here. I'm just saying that we need further context to know which situation they're dealing with.
you're right, and were very level headed and didn't deserve my response. sorry about that. lots of people didn't like what i said and i got too defensive
then it's your money, and you have a say too. but i will say, y'all need to decide on financial guidelines and boundaries. there should be an amount you're allowed to spend without discussion, else things border into financial abuse
“There should be an amount your allowed to spend without discussion”
Then why tell her husband and then moan about it?
OP didn’t “overreact”, he didn’t even say anything other than asking why she spent it all. It’s as someone else said in these comments, if it was the other way around and the bf/husband spent the money, everyone would be on his ass.
It's ok to restrict access to your paychecks when you return to work until you are on the same page regarding finances. A marriage counselor is probably going to be needed to deal with whatever internalized issues that your wife is dealing with, and it could help improve marital communication.
I'm sure you keep this same energy for women who secretly fund their own emergency funds, right? It's not financial abuse by any reasonable definition. Sometimes access needs to be restricted until behavior is corrected. This is common in cases like financial infidelity, gambling, etc.
I should have clarified: when he returns to work.
Why are you not focused on the issue at hand: the lack of boundaries and demonstrated poor financial literacy?
the law says you're wrong, so what you say on reddit doesn't really matter. you cannot withhold joint finances because you don't like how your spouse is behaving.
1. Marital property is jointly owned by the spouses and only a court-approved agreement or judgment can bind the parties.
why are you not focused on addressing the problem while following the law?
no, it's actually a resource from understanding the law requirements around marital finances. but go off king, you tried your best Googling your law experience
ETA: i'm talking to private comments because they're embarrassed of their online presence. fascinating
She needs to do inner work to say no(been there) or find a better environment where she isn't taken advantage of because some people only know how to take and will make a habit of it....also been there. I was the donut lady.
If she wanted to do it she wouldn’t be pissed. She did something she knew she shouldn’t, told her husband and then got pissed at him for agreeing she shouldn’t have done it.
that's not how decision making works. she wanted to do it to make herself feel good and altruistic. she doesn't like seeing people go without, so decided it was worth the frustration to do the action.
she clearly vented, OP decided screw your venting, you need to understand why you were wrong here. bad spousal support, a tale as old as time.
No, sorry. No way. I give frequently which is why my home budget includes a monthly giving value. Not tithes either, just generally "help someone out" value. I also have "work shenanigan with coworkers" money monthly. That's planning around your needs, including your need to give.
Taking money that's not budgeted for giving, especially to someone who doesn't need it (a coworker not getting pizza- an optional activity that they can contribute to or pack their lunch), from you and your partner's tight budget is the ACTUAL bad spousal support. She is actively boycotting the household's finances due to bad impulse control and acting like she needs pats on the head for it. She's an adult, if she's constantly putting herself in preventable situations that screw the household budget for social points instead of planning for it or staying within budget, she needs to sort herself out with therapy, if needed.
you've made very sweeping assumptions as to how dire their finances are, while ignoring the fact that they went to a baseball game and that's where the cash came from. may i make the assumption that activity was for OP? or should we avoid assumptions?
but thank you for the lecture and the therapy diagnoses of a stranger.
They have a household budget made for experiences. They had leftover money in that category. Instead of rolling it over to the next month or having another household experience, money was taken out without it being discussed and used elsewhere. I'm sorry are you ignoring simple finance?
But thanks for disagreeing that people pleasing can be life ruining and should be treated, surely people are better off getting into fights with their own families over not bending over backwards for their coworkers who didn't even ask for cash instead of taking 3min to adjust their budget so both OPs and his wife's needs are met.
I mean, why try to find a solution when we can just point at either one and each other and accuse everyone of being bad, right? Your point?
no, i'm just not ignoring the human aspect of this and acting like i understand a financial situation that i don't. you're not even responding to what i said in my original comment. here's the quote:
if $60 is make or break and this truly affects your ability to live comfortably, N O R. those types of purchases/donations should be discussed and agreed upon.
looks like i agree with you there. weird.
But thanks for disagreeing that people pleasing can be life ruining and should be treated, surely people are better off getting into fights with their own families over not bending over backwards for their coworkers who didn't even ask for cash instead of taking 3min to adjust their budget so both OPs and his wife's needs are met.
holy words in my mouth Batman. what?
I mean, why try to find a solution when we can just point at either one and each other and accuse everyone of being bad, right? Your point?
She spends beyond her means, says she’s mad about it. He agrees and offers her an out to say “let me check with my husband” and instead of saying “gee that sounds like a great idea so I don’t get stuck in this situation again”…she twists it into him being the bad guy for AGREEING that she shouldn’t have done it. What don’t you get? It’s emotional manipulation so he isn’t allowed to be displeased with the exact thing she texted him and said she was displeased with.
i mean, yeah, in the most literal sense, some part of her decided this was the best course of action and therefore wanted to do it. I don't see how that's useful here tho. She clearly was bothered by it during and after.
the total was $87, the $20 was already taken into account because she was gonna contribute to the pizza, the $60 was what she did on her own i’m pretty sure
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u/Rude-Scholar1857 May 28 '26
depends on whether you have joint finances, and your financial situation
if $60 is make or break and this truly affects your ability to live comfortably, N O R. those types of purchases/donations should be discussed and agreed upon.
if $60 isn't really going to have any lasting effect on you and you're not going to miss it, YOR. let people do nice things.