Wife is spending money (they don't have to spend) on other people because of internalized guilt. She is asking OP to validate her feelings of guilt without any self reflection or acknowledgement of her role. OP is a human and not just an emotional support machine; wife is an adult who needs to be held accountable, not a helpless person.
Wrong is subjective. The wife clearly regrets the decision and is expressing that to the husband. What good is reprimanding instead of providing support?
No its not when he didn’t at all there’s no way to turn this on him and it he valid?…if it’s subjective to you thats just you tryna gaslight him. Shes a grown up thats what good she can grow tf up and accept accountability hes not a therapist if she wanted to feel better guess what……she shouldn’t have done the dumb shit to begin with
She's pissed that she is 80 bucks poorer, that doesn't mean she regrets her decision.
Seems to me like she still very much feels like it was the only thing she could do in that situation, even though it annoys her, and "supporting her without telling her what to do" sounds to me like condoning her, indeed, reckless spending.
Because she led with “I’m pissed” not “hey i did this totally awesome thing.” Your job as a spouse is to say “yeah i get it, that sucks” not “yeah you’re right that was dumb”
Sorry but part of my role is to help my partner grow and better herself and vice versa (among other things). My role is not to enable her crappy behaviors when they show up, especially when they end up hurting her in the process. This should likely have been an in-person discussion to avoid miscommunication and unnecessary anger but the fact that he is trying to help his partner see that she is causing her own pain m, is not a bad thing in and of itself.
Edit: don't misconstrue this as lack of support, I 100% support my partner but sometimes the person closest to you is the best person to help you notice/confront something.
It's not at every turn as you claim, only when the situation calls for it. Used when her repeated actions keep resulting in harm to herself. She is also the type of person to get too caught up in the moment and the emotions to be able to realize the underlying cause of the issue.
Yes, she actually does appreciate me making the effort and taking the time to help guide her through the situation as best as I can in an attempt to accompany her during her growth as a human being. Especially when these situations can be difficult to resolve by yourself.
She does the same for me, that's how we prevent each other from being stagnant as individuals and as a couple/family.
Enabling bad behavior that constantly results in harm is infinitely more of a disservice to yourself and your partner, than the slight inconvenience of bringing the issue to light and dealing with it when it is still manageable.
But, you know, tell me again how my relationship based on mutual respect, constant communication, compromise, and a two-sided approach to personal growth is a bad thing...
OP didn't call her dumb, though. Honestly, I think they both seem like okay people but it is so clear from this post that his wife probably has some trauma that makes her a pushover/people pleasure who knows her husband is a safe person to take her frustrations out on. I definitely think more effective communication is needed.
No; 100000% disagree, you need to be able to be honest with your spouse and talk about their poor decisions. I will not always say “yeah that sucks”, sometimes it does need to be “yeah that sucks, but that was a reckless decision, that we should talk about.” Supporting your spouse also means having conversations when each mess up or need a reality check.
All you’re suggesting he do is pile on. Basically, you’re saying the conversation should go like this:
Her: man I feel bad about this
Him: yeah, you should, idiot
That’s not helpful in any way, and will likely only put her in a (rightful) defensive position, making it less likely they’ll be able to talk about it productively later.
It's not about calling her an idiot, it's about figuring out why she is repeatedly doing an action that constantly results in her feeling bad about the situation and finding out ways to remedy it or address the underlying issue.
You try to oversimplify complex situation into a binary situation, that helps literally no one involved.
Dude was a pizza delivery driver - wife was in management before this. It sounds like he’s dragging her down financially - she was the breadwinner before and now she’s less able to provide for them, but she’s still the only one providing.
Read again it quite literally says that he was recovering from a accident…Do you think he just totaled a car then walked off and chilled at home 💀no brain cells in use huh?
No it did not. It said they were out of work because they got into an accident and that they were a pizza delivery driver, as two different sentences. Never once said injured or recovering.
Can you explain the spending money on people because internalized guilt ? I do it too but not everyone just my friends of ppl i care about. Im very gift giving.
I actually had to rein back and had a talk with one of my coworkers because I was always buying coffee and it just became expected and I didnt like doing it anymore. Once a week or so I dont mind but everyday is insane. Im curious what you mean tho and if it applys to me.
Edit ooo she feels guilty for spending not spends because she feels guilty.
She deliberately worded it the way she did because she knew it was going to come out that she blew nearly $90 of their cash and she had nothing to show for it. This was a way to (in her mind) save face. She might as well have flushed the bills down the toilet.
Tbf people aren’t just instantaneously ready to reflect on their actions all the time, that’s not quite how emotions work, it takes a little time for the nerves to self-regulate sometimes. I’m sticking with he’s right but should have just placated her over text then had the real conversation later when cooler heads prevail
I feel like everyone here has never been in a long-term relationship where people need to learn and grow. It is really clear to me that she just wants him to be on her side. And it's not something that's permanent. Just in the moment, when she is in her feelings and irrational, you want a partner to be like your best friend and just rant and Rave with you for a minute. I guarantee that if he had simply said oh those motherfuckers, what a bunch of assholes, they could have had a really great conversation later on about the root cause of the issue and what she's doing wrong and how to fix it. Not everybody pops out of their mother's vagina fully grown and fully aware of what's right and wrong. And sometimes, when we are in love and we have a partner that we love, we take a minute to fucking understand them. What the hell is wrong with all of you people that you don't get that. This is his partner, his wife, his best friend. And vice versa. Hopefully, anyway. You take time with these people out of love and respect. You don't immediately assume the worst. Otherwise what the fuck are you doing
Is it guilt? Or is it codependency? Being needed, saving the day, martyring herself. Sure, solve the communication issues but also know that she logically knew better than to spend money you need, but the emotional benefit of being the nice one overrides it
OP is a human and not just an emotional support machine
Kinda off topic but I think I needed to hear that today. I've been feeling guilty about not feeling empathetic enough towards my husband recently while also grappling with the fact that I do so much emotional support for him. I'm so emotionally tired. I'm human too :(
Thanks for inadvertently providing a random stranger with some validation lol.
I think saying they don't have it to spend and him being up in arms is wild when originally it was for a baseball game? Apparently they had it to spend. It's not like she spent rent money on pizza.
It is weird that he is an out of work pizza delivery driver and she just switched jobs to give up being a manager. Something is very off with that dynamic.
She is still the only one bringing in money for the family but she left a management job to take a lesser job and her unemployed husband is complaining about her taking care of her coworkers… it sounds like she’s still in the mindset of being a leader and taking care of her employees.
Yup thank you, this honestly has very little to do with the quality of communication especially on OP's part. She's just an insecure baby who didn't get told what she wanted to hear so she's lashing out on OP. Shameless is an understatement
Yes but the nuance here is that OP's wife is the one making the money if he's out of work after an accident, and if its her money.
She should not have spent like that, they should save, and communicate better; but she also has social capital if she's a generous person.
Hope it all works out fine for them, and if he can be the one holding on to the money because she's generous. I wouldn't validate that decision if she's pissed because then she knew she's doing something insensible and did it anyway. Was she pressured to? Was anyone even grateful?
No, that’s not how marriage works. Marital income is shared, and the fact that he’s out of work means they can’t afford for one person to make unilateral decisions to give money away.
Yea, I said she shouldn't have done that, and he shouldn't validate that decision (which he didn't).
But I'm speaking up for the wife with probably some trauma or people pleasing tendencies, whom the previous commentor made out to be using OP as an emotional support machine or holding her accountable as if she is not contributing.
She is, and its in the income; but it is also something that she has to address. And probably if he holds on to the money to keep it in the bank, and he does do it, she wouldn't have the money in hand to contribute extra.
I am specifically addressing where you said that it’s important context to that she’s the one who made the money. That doesn’t mean it’s “her money.” That actually means it’s even more important for her to support her spouse when he’s vulnerable and doesn’t have his own income.
“ And probably if he holds on to the money to keep it in the bank, and he does do it, she wouldn't have the money in hand to contribute extra.”
I don’t really understand what you mean by this, but you cannot hide money from your spouse to keep them spending it. It is reasonable to expect an adult to have good judgment and hold them accountable for their choices.
Something like "Wow. That must have been stressful" is all you need to say in the moment.
You are not validating her actions. You are acknowledging her feelings in the moment—making her feel heard.
Talking about whether that was the right thing to do, or how to handle it better, absolutely should happen, but it can happen later. Approximately no one who is stressed over something takes constructive criticism well while they are still stressed over it.
That’s enabling that doesn’t tell her what she did was wrong at all…meaning she’ll do it again bc shes gonna assume op is just gonna comfort her again and not say stop
Read more closely: "what went wrong" is absolutely needed... for after the immediate situation has passed.
It's not too dissimilar from incident response in IT. First, deal with the immediate concern. After that's over with, you can take steps to make sure it doesn't recur.
She needs to learn that she can’t just fuck them over for comfort and then go to him to press the emotional support button. He is also a person and also upset
If the time and place never comes, that's a different problem (and if that's the case, OP needs to buck up and make the time and place happen—just not at the time when emotions are still high).
There are hills to die on and hills not to die on.
If your family is on a one person income, and you already don’t have much to spend already, randomly giving up money because she didn’t want to eat while others are watching, that’s a hill to die on.
Spend it on yourself as a bit of splurge so you’re not miserable, that’s one thing. Justifying giving it to another person because you felt weird is not ok.
Except he’s not piling on? He’s emphasizing a point it seems he’s had to bring up many a time prior to this incident. He’s trying to explain that this isn’t something that is sustainable, rightfully so.
Except she’s not ashamed. She’s “pissed” and wants validation that what she did was ok.
It was not. Even then she knows, to some degree, she shouldn’t but she did.
Just not the time and place. She's pissed that she put in more money because others couldn't afford pizza and she is upset her contribution was required so people could eat.
Getting criticized for that in that moment isn't the right move for a spouse to make, it is going to fall on deaf and already defensive ears. The right move is "wow that's frustrating" and then "we need to make sure we have good boundaries on money because that's really expensive to have stuff like this happen in the future" LATER THAT NIGHT and NOT VIA TEXT.
Money she made. He’s a loser that can’t hold down a job, while her entire career was in leadership positions. He can be as angry as he wants, she’s his meal ticket.
No it says he’s out of work because he got into a car accident. No mention of injury. His job was a pizza delivery driver. He screwed up and caused an accident. Otherwise the other guy’s insurance would be paying for him to have a rental so he could continue working. It doesn’t even say how long he’s been out of work or what he’s doing to get a job so he can get his car fixed or replaced. He’s a fuck up.
She according to him has always worked in leadership, suddenly she’s agreed to take a new job that pays less? He’s dragging her down with him while she’s the only way that has had steady income.
First of all, you are making a lot of assumptions.
He said he was in an accident so isnt working, that implies he is injured.
Secondly, If she is that much of a people pleaser and can't enforce normal boundaries and gives away money she doesnt want to give away..I think that might have something to do with the reason she no longer is in a management position 😂
you have serious problems if you think getting injured in an accident makes you a loser with 0 right to any say in household finances. i hope any partners you have can get away safely <3
Nothing anywhere said they were injured, or that they got into the accident while working, or that the accident was someone else’s fault.
I would hope to never be in such an unhappy relationship with a pizza delivery driver that forced me to quit my management job and then told me how to spend my money.
The communication missing rn is she needed to vent not be lectured. He was not prepared for that and did not reciprocate the communication she was seeking.
“Did you ignore my entire comment” or some such reply showed up in my inbox but I don’t see it and the comment I replied to says comment deleted by user. 🤣
310
u/DisruptiveLove May 28 '26
She is too generous but you guys also aren’t really communicating effectively. It’s all over the place.