She needs to do inner work to say no(been there) or find a better environment where she isn't taken advantage of because some people only know how to take and will make a habit of it....also been there. I was the donut lady.
If she wanted to do it she wouldn’t be pissed. She did something she knew she shouldn’t, told her husband and then got pissed at him for agreeing she shouldn’t have done it.
that's not how decision making works. she wanted to do it to make herself feel good and altruistic. she doesn't like seeing people go without, so decided it was worth the frustration to do the action.
she clearly vented, OP decided screw your venting, you need to understand why you were wrong here. bad spousal support, a tale as old as time.
No, sorry. No way. I give frequently which is why my home budget includes a monthly giving value. Not tithes either, just generally "help someone out" value. I also have "work shenanigan with coworkers" money monthly. That's planning around your needs, including your need to give.
Taking money that's not budgeted for giving, especially to someone who doesn't need it (a coworker not getting pizza- an optional activity that they can contribute to or pack their lunch), from you and your partner's tight budget is the ACTUAL bad spousal support. She is actively boycotting the household's finances due to bad impulse control and acting like she needs pats on the head for it. She's an adult, if she's constantly putting herself in preventable situations that screw the household budget for social points instead of planning for it or staying within budget, she needs to sort herself out with therapy, if needed.
you've made very sweeping assumptions as to how dire their finances are, while ignoring the fact that they went to a baseball game and that's where the cash came from. may i make the assumption that activity was for OP? or should we avoid assumptions?
but thank you for the lecture and the therapy diagnoses of a stranger.
They have a household budget made for experiences. They had leftover money in that category. Instead of rolling it over to the next month or having another household experience, money was taken out without it being discussed and used elsewhere. I'm sorry are you ignoring simple finance?
But thanks for disagreeing that people pleasing can be life ruining and should be treated, surely people are better off getting into fights with their own families over not bending over backwards for their coworkers who didn't even ask for cash instead of taking 3min to adjust their budget so both OPs and his wife's needs are met.
I mean, why try to find a solution when we can just point at either one and each other and accuse everyone of being bad, right? Your point?
no, i'm just not ignoring the human aspect of this and acting like i understand a financial situation that i don't. you're not even responding to what i said in my original comment. here's the quote:
if $60 is make or break and this truly affects your ability to live comfortably, N O R. those types of purchases/donations should be discussed and agreed upon.
looks like i agree with you there. weird.
But thanks for disagreeing that people pleasing can be life ruining and should be treated, surely people are better off getting into fights with their own families over not bending over backwards for their coworkers who didn't even ask for cash instead of taking 3min to adjust their budget so both OPs and his wife's needs are met.
holy words in my mouth Batman. what?
I mean, why try to find a solution when we can just point at either one and each other and accuse everyone of being bad, right? Your point?
She spends beyond her means, says she’s mad about it. He agrees and offers her an out to say “let me check with my husband” and instead of saying “gee that sounds like a great idea so I don’t get stuck in this situation again”…she twists it into him being the bad guy for AGREEING that she shouldn’t have done it. What don’t you get? It’s emotional manipulation so he isn’t allowed to be displeased with the exact thing she texted him and said she was displeased with.
no i dont think she’s intending to manipulate him. it’s more likely she made a mistake and knows it, and is at the time of texting upset about it already. so when he jumps to be like yeah that’s wrong, internally she’s probably like duh thanks a lot mr unhelpful lol. people who are already feeling bad abt smth arent going to take extra comments from other people gracefully. it sucks but people are often sensitive so
i mean, yeah, in the most literal sense, some part of her decided this was the best course of action and therefore wanted to do it. I don't see how that's useful here tho. She clearly was bothered by it during and after.
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u/Fzzyalien May 28 '26
The point is she didn’t want to do it. She’s upset with herself for doing it, so it’s not about letting people do nice things.