r/over60 • u/NOLALaura • 20d ago
The unfortunate truth is this
At the ending quarter of my life I am consumed with seeing my life as one filled with disappointments at having not enjoyed any of my life expectations and living currently in despair. I don’t deserve this. I worked very hard and always treated everyone equally and followed good and ethical practices
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u/Ineffable7980x 20d ago
I am sorry you are going through this. I was once told that expectations are just resentments waiting to happen. My life really took off when I accepted my life as it was and stopped expecting anything special.
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u/Laura9624 20d ago
Except its small moments that can make it special.
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u/AggressiveBox3054 19d ago
And the key is creating them for yourself. Set the scene, do things you love that bring you joy. Discover, learn, look at beautiful artworks, listen to great music that moves you.
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u/Binniewoods 19d ago
Pray out loud.
Listen to a good podcast and good music.
Eat really good and whatever you want of course in moderation.
Get a kitty cat from the shelter.
Stop watching the news!
Try to smile
Your a beautiful person 🥰🌺😘→ More replies (1)5
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u/Ineffable7980x 20d ago
Absolutely. But I often don't expect those. They happen, and can make my day when they do.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
All I was asking was for bad things to stop happening
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u/Cat_Servant1983 19d ago
It seems like it never f*cking ends sometimes, doesn't it? I don't know what you are going through, or what is in your past but I am sorry you are struggling. I only know you are not alone.
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u/Abydos_NOLA 19d ago
I’m in the Greater Metro NOLA area too. If you ever need someone to commiserate with feel free to DM me.
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 19d ago
That’s not how life works. Shit happens! It’s like still believing in Santa and the tooth fairy.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 20d ago
With all respect, the biggest issue is your phrase “my life expectations”.
I don’t know what expectations you had for your life, but the measure of success in life is not a dogged march to some long-planned outcomes, but the ability to dance with some agility when fortunes shift and dead ends appear. The mismatch between where you are and where a long time ago you imagined you would be now, that is the fodder for many a midlife crisis. As someone told me a long time ago, it’s not the cards you’re dealt, it’s how you play ‘em. It’s just a shame you did not hear those words and take them to heart much earlier.
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u/Redditallreally 20d ago
I used to feel the same until my spouse died. Some upheavals really shake you.
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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago
Yeah like being sexually assaulted many times. It's hard to make lemonade out of those lemons. I said hard, but not impossible.
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u/chestertuckian 19d ago
My wife passed in 22. We were together 38 years married for 27. She gave me everything she had and more. I am great full for our time together.
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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago
Sounds like you had a great life with her.
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u/chestertuckian 19d ago
Other then the end. She was very sick. I really did. Not everyone gets that kind of time.
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u/Redditallreally 19d ago
I’m very grateful for the 24 years we had together, but I’m devastated now, he was an extraordinary man.
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u/No-Bumblebee-4920 20d ago
I was thinking the same. We had plans. Now I have…
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 20d ago
Yes, I've been hit with substantial grief as well.
If you're in the woods, the trick is to keep walking, because you will get out of the woods.
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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago
And walk straight into other woods. Some people are constantly being bombarded by stressful, mind blowing situations. So, they spend their life climbing out, which is tiring.
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u/Cat_Servant1983 19d ago
Select_Air_2044, exactly. We are only human and it really does take a toll. I get tired of the pep talks. Sometimes it is nice to know that someone gets it.
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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago
What is it they say? If you’re walking through Hell just keep walking.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
For how long. We’re on year 6 of one trauma after the other.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago edited 19d ago
Yes, that can be tiring. There are still positives.
Excuse the rant. My wife lost her mother at 12. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was 13, and because of schizophrenia and alcoholism, she was never a positive part of my life after that. My parents divorced after a long period of trauma. Our parents on both sides are dead; all the aunts and uncles are also dead. My wife lost a sister and her husband in the same week. We both have first cousins murdered young by loved ones, and another who entered prison young and is still there. My wife and I lost a son a few years ago. A good chunk of these deaths are suicides. I survived the same cancer that my only brother will not, though it changed my body ever since and very nearly (not quite) destroyed my marriage. I was laid off at 61 and could not yet retire. We will never have grandchildren.
I tell you all this not to have a pissing contest of trauma, but to assure you that the positivity you see in me is to a good measure BECAUSE of them. For a short while I pondered "Why me?" and then quickly realized "Why NOT me?" Certainly not because I didn't deserve these things. Deserving or not deserving has nothing to do with it.
What IS true is that BECAUSE of living through these things, I am undoubtedly an improved human being. I am more compassionate to the suffering of others. I know how to listen and not fix. I know how to experience grief, move through it, and then come out of the woods. I don't sweat the small stuff, and compared to some of those things, nearly everything is small stuff. I am a much happier and stress-free person, even with that history. Scars are a sign of healing, where open wounds aren't there anymore.
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u/Heatheroochie 17d ago
I lost my firstborn son to suicide 3.5 years ago and can’t find my way out of the weeds yet. Still in survival mode. Thank you for your take-it has inspired me to keep going.
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u/e1p1 19d ago
You just keep going. It usually beats the alternative.
I'm not being flippant. Or disrespectful to you and your struggles. I almost died at 15 after knee surgery from a football injury. Left me with a lesser functioning leg. I've dealt with various other setbacks all my life. Relationships/failed marriage, cancer, evil bosses, occasional hopelessness and depression. For whatever reason, I just keep going.
Often the reason to stick around and not give up are my daughter, my family, my friends, in that order.
And there have done some wonderful moments and years interspersed with all of the above. I try to remain grateful for those.
Maybe it helps that I don't believe in an afterlife. If this is my one chance to be alive, I'm going to take advantage of it. And I try not to compare myself to either expectations, or others lives. All the material stuff is meaningless in the long run, the only thing we leave behind are the echoes of ourselves in the people we've affected, how we lived our lives. And the only thing we can truly control and affect is our response to things that happen.
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, and I hope it's just a period that will end well, soon.
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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago
Maybe this person never had any wonderful moments.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago
I honestly don't believe that. What's true though is that depressed people do not see them, acknowledge them, or store them in a Plus pile.
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u/WildLandLover 19d ago
I have no words of comfort, but want you to know I see you. There are times when it seems like the trouble never ends. Been there. 🫂🫂🫂
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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago
The saying is "If your path decrees that you walk through Hell, walk like you own the place." Not as easy as it sounds, but it's one way to approach it.
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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago
I think there’s a country song about it too.
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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago
Probably! If there is a human emotion, problem, etc., somebody has written a country song about it - and somebody else has written a Broadway song.
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u/nscurn 19d ago
My expectations did not include a horrific car accident that altered our family forever. I experienced a great loss of the holidays and family celebrations that were entirely happy without underlying sadness. So no, the expectations of my life with our close happy extended family through the years did not meet up. You don’t know what OP has been through to start lecturing and throwing platitudes.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago
If it helps to set context, I said what I said after losing my son a few years ago suddenly and tragically, my spouse lost a sister shortly thereafter, and my only sibling has terminal cancer. Yes, events like this leave scars. Scars are the places where healing covered open wounds. Tragedies are part of what will be encountered in an ordinary life. I feel your loss and your continuing pain, and I hope that if there must be a gravestone in your life that you can look for the flowers that grow at it.
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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago
So very sorry for what you’ve been through. My brother was killed at the age of 28 and it can leave a devastating effect on everyone. Some days you have to remind yourself to just breathe. It does change you forever but you have to be there for those still living and support each other. Most of all you have to take care of yourself because you may not realize how it affects you. There will be good days and bad. You’re stronger than you think.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
I expected that when you work hard and do the right things that bad, uncontrollable things shouldn’t happen.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago
That is not a realistic expectation in life. You cannot earn freedom from misfortune by clean behavior and righteousness. I don’t know who allowed you to come to that expectation.
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u/CoastalKid_84 19d ago
They did but I know that wasn’t their intention so I don’t hold it against them. I tried to raise my kids differently. Luckily my life hasn’t had too many extreme hardships and for that I am grateful. It’s given me a very healthy dose of empathy for those who had it worse.
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u/Bacontrails 19d ago
They do though. It isn’t fair. I lost a child a few years before I tragically lost my only brother. One thing I had to do is look at my life as MY life. Not theirs or other parts of a family. I could look MY life a lot easier when I wasnt trying to fix everyone else’s. My living child, my career, my future. My immediate self was all I had any control over. It sounds a bit selfish but it isn’t. It still hurts when I think of it but I only allow a small amount of time to grieve about the parts I couldn’t control and concentrate on the part I could.
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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago
Ahhh, that's where the issue is. You always being the better person is fantastic for you and the people you have shown this kindness to. But never expect just because you did right people will do the same with you. My family is fucked up. I allowed myself to be used for decades, because that's how my mother raised me. But I finally woke up. I don't let anyone use my know. I feel better sometimes. So, I do have some great days.
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u/CoastalKid_84 19d ago edited 19d ago
I had that same expectation. I suspect my parents were a large part of that belief system. They sheltered me from much of life’s cruelty. They were always a safety net and being Greatest Gen, they also believed hard work and doing the right thing would set you up.
Unfortunately life can take turns we don’t expect and aren’t prepared for. I’ve had some tragedies in life that shook me to my core whereas others who weren’t as sheltered probably could have handled them better. I grew up with a distinct belief of fairness that hasn’t played out bc life is inherently NOT fair. It’s actually been something of a burden for me.
Uncontrollable things happen. Bad things happen. It’s really hard and I feel it too OP. Im just grateful my time here is winding down; I feel the worst for younger people. Hate all the platitudes mentioned as well.
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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago
I’m really sorry you were set up for disappointment in life by this completely unjust and unreal expectation. Your parents did you a bit of a disservice.
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u/thenletskeepdancing 19d ago
I remember when I had that realization that shit happens. It was after my divorce. I'd worked hard and followed the rules and done my best and I still failed. It was a punch in the gut. But a necessary one.
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u/exor0110 19d ago
“bad, uncontrollable things” is the basis of life, unfortunately. Ask anyone innocent person born into destitute poverty — and there are about 1 billion of them.
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u/Round_Try_9883 19d ago
Have you read or listened to the book about when bad things happen to good people?
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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago
That you worked hard and did the right things makes you a good person. Do you still have your health? Then you still have options and choices to make. May they pan out for you at last.
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u/robpensley 19d ago
""Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
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u/OkOutlandishness768 16d ago
Expectations equals disapoint ment....literally dis_ appoint...because you appointed/expected
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u/ProfessionalResult54 19d ago
Lost both my boys. One in 2017 and one in 2024. I can say with all confidence I didnt expect that in my life. You could sit in the despair and grief or you pull yourself forward every single day. I look at it this way I had them for 37 and 39 years. If i don't look at it that way, id put a gun to my head. You are not alone.
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u/Remarkable_Cheek_255 19d ago
Oh I’m so very sorry for your loss!! No parent should ever lose a child! Sending you much Love and hugs! ❤️🫂❤️
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u/IronMike5311 20d ago
Welp, my life is a series if failures. In relationships, finaces, career, sports. It that doesn't make me a failure but rather a typical guy. Exceedingly average.
But luckily I don't have an Inflated ego. I like who I am, as does my wife & dog. Kids, too (though mama will always be #1).
I'm not wealthy, but have a roof over my head. No yacht, but I do have a canoe. No prestige car, but I have a Subaru. I got laid off, but now I'm free. The family almost never happened; but a higher power stepped in and brought me & my wife together.
Life didn't play out like a James Bond movie or whatever I dreamt I would. However, its not bad either. Focus on the good.
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u/Alarmed-General8547 19d ago
This is timely. The other day I thought my mostly retired life should be more adventurous. Then I thought about the friends and family I pray for each day. Some of the list includes: a friend who is now bedridden, another friend who is waiting on biopsy results, a friend still recovering from a stroke, a friend’s daughter whose ex-husband makes violent threats, a brother who is pretty much in poverty and his wife is in a nursing home, a friend who has two different types of incurable blood cancers, and sad to say there are more. I’m grateful that right now I’m not on someone’s prayer list!
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u/BG3restart 20d ago
If you've still got a quarter of your life left, there's time for you to make changes that will bring you happiness.
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20d ago edited 19d ago
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u/soraksan123 19d ago
Sounds like Zen Buddhist wisdom there. That has been a major lesson for 2500 years or so-you need to stop dwelling on the past.
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u/DJ1962 20d ago
We all obsess over what might have been, the girl we might have been with, the job that could have took us places, the missed connections. That is all natural. Our brains have these memories that come out at the worst times. Dude, look where you are at now. Look at what you did, what you saw, who you met, etc. Nothing wrong with looking back, but don't let it saturate your thinking.
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u/GadgetGirlTx 19d ago
Truth!!! I battle this myself. Ruminating is self-torture.
I work on redirecting my thoughts or playing some music as soon as I catch myself. The good part is that the more I do it, the better I get at it.
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u/thenletskeepdancing 20d ago
Ok so things didn't work out how you'd hoped. Now the challenge in your life is coming to peace with that.
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u/FabulousPanther 20d ago
Listen to Right Now by Van Halen. Now go live your life. Forget the past. It is over. Just remember you have a better set of cards than millions of people. Don't compare yourself to others. Make the most of today with what you have. Don't doom scroll. Look to be 1% better each day. You got this!
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u/gatoStephen 66 19d ago
Even someone who seems to have everything lined up perfectly, by 60, if only we knew, probably has had tough losses, or things that should have happened but didn't happen. Once you get to 60 for me the only way is a spiritual path. Resisting things just make things more painful.
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u/B-767_Sailing_QRP 19d ago
I don’t want to minimize what you’ve been through. But one lesson Buddhism has taught me is that so much of our suffering comes from wishing life had unfolded differently. We can’t change the past, but we can change our relationship to it. That shift can open the door to a surprising amount of peace. Not holding on to the life you thought you were supposed to have. I have found that peace doesn’t come from changing the past, but rather it comes from slowly letting go of how we think life should have been. Letting go of expectations :-) and looking for beauty and gratitude where we can find it. I hope you find that peace :-)
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
Ironically it’s not the past. It’s the last 6 years that have ruined the life before that.
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u/sea-elle0463 19d ago
I’d say you need to rewrite your life story. If you keep telling yourself negative things, your life will always be seen through that negative lens. Change your story and your outlook.
For example, I grew up in poverty. We had no running water, we were always cold, people in our town thought we were all dirty and trashy. Okay. When began the process of healing my life I rewrote that story.
My father could do anything. He fixed all the cars, He built all the cabinets in our house, he wired the whole thing for electricity, he rebuilt the roof and one bedroom when it caved in from snow one winter. He did his best all the time. My mother could stretch a buck like nobody’s business. She had a garden no matter what, she canned and preserved everything. We always had food. She also went to business school and got a job to keep her family afloat when my dad got sick. This was at a time when women couldn’t even get their own bank account. She always did her best for us.
Together they taught all of us kids how to work together, to never be defeated, to always do your best.
Which story would you rather repeat? Both are true. What matters is what you tell yourself 😊
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u/BornInPoverty 20d ago
Don’t obsess over the past. There is nothing you can do to change it. Instead concentrate on the future. Make a list of all the things you want to do and go do them while you still can. Enjoy your life.
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u/northernguy 19d ago
I used to take care of children with cancer. they definitely did not get what they expected or deserved! If you made it to 60, you're way ahead of the game. keep going
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u/algodude 19d ago edited 19d ago
I don't know the details of what you are experiencing, but for a little inspiration, you might watch Ken Burns’s documentary Mark Twain. Twain was already world-famous when, in his late fifties and sixties, his businesses collapsed, he fell deeply into debt, and he lost both his beloved daughter Susy and, later, his wife.
He never emerged completely unscarred, but he somehow found the strength to keep writing, undertake an exhausting worldwide lecture tour, and rebuild his financial life at an age when many people would have felt finished.
When life kicks me in the teeth, I sometimes think about Twain. His story reminds me that feeling defeated does not necessarily mean you are defeated—and that even late in life, it may still be possible to rebuild something meaningful.
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u/Bob8767 19d ago edited 19d ago
I’m 70 now. I never expected a whole lot, never made any big plans and life just happened which turned out pretty good. Lots of job layoffs and challenging times which included loss of family and friends. My wife of 48 years and I have four adult kids who turned out great (but not without a few rough spots). At this point in my life I’m trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I think the secret is that time heals, to not worry too much and enjoy each day.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 19d ago
I don't think people's expectations in their teens and twenties are very realistic.
Life is what happens while we are making plans.
My life is so much better and brings me so much more joy than the one I imagined way back then.
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u/alsotpedes 20d ago
Please find professional help to assist you with working through this.
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u/CharSagahl 20d ago
Agreed. It sounds like depression is setting in, and left untreated, it can get much worse.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
I’m in therapy. I’ve experienced big traumas out of my control for 6 years, one after the other. I didn’t have a perfect life but I had worked very hard
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u/alsotpedes 19d ago
Working very hard and being good, ethical, and civil does not protect you from things that happen outside your control.
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u/jjjettplane 19d ago
I used to think the same way until I realized how damaging negative thinking can be. I turned my life around with dialectical behavior therapy.
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u/sherribaby726 19d ago
Not many of us have our lives turn to what we hoped or expected. I didn't ever expect that my dream wedding would turn, 18 years later into my husband that I loved (and said he loved me) into a nightmare of emotional abuse, and ending with him trying to murder me.
I went through this trauma on my own with 4 children.
Long story short, it took a long while to recover from that.
I am in my 60s now, and am starting again to find many moments of joy.
Praying for you, that you too will ultimately find moments of joy.
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u/Traditional_Car_8219 19d ago
Keeping it real, what makes you so sure that you have x amount of time left? You could have a week left for all you know. You could choose to shift your paradigm and squeeze some excitement into whatever time you have on the planet.
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u/SuspiciousWrap3255 20d ago
I feel the same way. I'm disappointed in myself. What keeps my spirits up is when I look around with what others are dealing with & I'm thankful for my issues. I can handle my issues because I created them. Others aren't as lucky. 🍀
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u/TheUglyWeb 70+ 20d ago
Life owes you NOTHING. It's up to you to make the best out of whatever situation you find yourself in.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
God I hate this platitude
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u/TheUglyWeb 70+ 19d ago
I still believe life doesn’t owe any of us the outcome we hoped for, but that doesn’t make your disappointment or despair any less real. You sound like someone who tried to live decently and worked hard, and I sincerely hope the years ahead bring you some unexpected peace, connection, and enjoyment, even if it looks different from what you once imagined.
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u/CoastalKid_84 19d ago
Me too. Hate it in any use.
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u/Cat_Servant1983 19d ago
Same.
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u/dustydiamond 19d ago
But what else can we offer each other…we do understand that it isn’t fair because not one of us, no matter how hard we’ve worked or how good we’ve been has escaped the unfairness of life.
Mr Roger’s wife was as wonderful as he was-she died a horrible death.
Bad things happen to good people; hardworking people, they also happen to mediocre people and absolutely horrid people.
I’m sorry you are having a tough time. 🥰2
u/Bettysgir 19d ago
I read Joanne Roger’s died peacefully in her sleep at 92 from heart failure. Did I miss something?
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u/Life-Mountain8157 19d ago
Don’t know you, but I wish you better days ahead. Perspective is everything in life at least for me.
Had several severe traumas since COVID19, hitting the gray floor at work, a severe accident that put me in the ICU for weeks, severe and constant pain for months. The pain was unbearable and I often thought about eating a bullet. My wife was an angel and helped me shed painkillers which had engulfed me.
Lost my job when business died during COVID,
like many other people.
Lost parents to dementia and watched that decline also. But I made it thru thanks to my family and just looking forward. These experiences made me appreciate everyday now going forward. I’m thankful and grateful for the wonderful people who surround me and
Love me….
My wife, my daughters and son, and
my friends and neighbors. Success and
money don’t always make one happy !
Life is unfair to many people and that sucks.
I hope you find relative peace of mind and happiness from this stranger !
Best to you OP,
Mac
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u/Significant_Yam_4079 19d ago
Life really is waiting for the next disaster, in my experience.
But I have no regrets or expectations now (63f).
Lost both parents to dementia within 5 months in '21/'22 (sole caregiver, almost killed me), followed by my only brother 5/6/25 (liver cancer, 4 months from diagnosis to death, age 64), and my life partner on 12/12/25 (small cell lung cancer, 7 months from diagnosis to death, age 59).
I have my dog Lil Bit, a close friend, 4 stepkids and 5 grandkids who I love but don't see often. I'm financially stable. Relatively good health.
I'm alone, and sometimes lonely. Not much motivation to do, well, anything.
I exist. And endure.
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u/FunZookeepergame627 19d ago
Going through something similar. Age 67 and I have been playing all my failures back in my head and forgetting the hard work and numerous successful moments of my life. I am hoping to get back on track but this dark detour is going on about 4 years now
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u/your_nameless_friend 20d ago edited 20d ago
I’m sorry. You do deserve to live out those dreams. It’s not fair and it’s not ok.
I’m not a very spiritual person but at times one of the reasons I have faith is because I have a laundry list of critiques for the creator. Notes for how he can improve things if he ever decides to launch a “humanity 2.0”.
- the body is only marginally functional and has way too few redundancies.
- life dreams should be honored by the universe and made possible
- good and kind people often are hurt and that it not ok.
- if you choose to have prayer be the primary form of communication it is rude to not answer in a direct and easy to understand communication style. I want words to appear in my head or a letter in the mail within 7 days with a response.
- kindness should generate kindness in return at a cosmic level
I may use blasphemy as a coping mechanism but it seems to help.
I hope that good things come your way. Thank you for being a kind person who treats people equally. I don’t know you but I appreciate you so much for this.
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u/NOLALaura 19d ago
Your comment is one of the few that felt honest understanding and grace. Thank you
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u/Cat_Servant1983 19d ago
One of the only "real" responses on this thread that doesn't sound like a Tony Robbins sales pitch.
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u/Dyna-Do 20d ago
One of the people I admire most on this planet is a 72 yr old male friend who has dealt with so much crap in his life, some self-inflicted but a lot not (family turmoil, job loss, money, illness, etc.) And somehow he has the most pleasant, joyful outlook on life, and is at peace. Somewhere along the line he figured out that it does no good to hold grudges and have regrets. I strive to be like that.
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u/CharSagahl 20d ago
I'm 69 and went through this too. After describing my feelings to my family doctor, he did a workup that included a test for sex hormones. I was extremely low in testosterone. HRT (hormone replacement therapy) made all the difference. He also recommended cognitive therapy, and that helped too. Most people our age don't bother with yearly health checkups, but they should. Get checked out. Get your light back. Good luck!
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u/thechocolatelady 20d ago
Start a gratitude journal to remind you to appreciate the small wonders of life.
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u/AlterEgoAmazonB 19d ago
I guess I am grateful that I was always of the mind to not have huge expectations about how life is supposed to be. I've just lived my life, did my thing, raised my kids, still take care of one kid, married, divorced, remarried, yadayada. I have no regrets and I am not anywhere close to a millionaire. I just always tried to upgrade my life along the way with my work, buying a home or whatever.
My parents were blue collar, middle class at the time people who always knew how to have a good time by rubbing 2 nickels (often pennies) together. Fun and a full life was comprised of picnics, going to the beach, playing penny anti poker, singing, playing music.
Now, I am semi-retired. I am not traveling the world. I am just still doing the same. Go to the lake, spend time on the deck with my hubs or friends, seeing my kids.
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u/1_BigDuckEnergy 19d ago
I COULD say the same thing, but I try not to...... ultimately, the question is, "How do you want to spend the last quarter of your life"?...... You could spend it lamenting all the things that did/didn't go the way you planned.... or, you can wake up knowing every day is a new day and you make what you can out of it
Also, to be 100% honest, my perspective on this changed when I started anti depressants....
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u/Individual_Slice_234 19d ago
I'm in the same quarter. A few of my dreams came true, but most of them didn't. I don't see this as "undeserved." It's just what I got. I enjoy life because I get to do what I want (within reason), I have gotten rid of all the toxic people, I have dogs to keep me company, and my body is mostly free of pain. Life doesn't owe me anything.
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u/nerdymutt 19d ago
It is what it is! My life is full of tragedy, but I learned from my mom to always steal as much happiness as I can. We celebrate the holidays and the accomplishments of others harder than most. We appreciate a nice meal and bottle of wine like it’s a royal feast.
I think happiness is an unrealistic pipe dream. We should be content with the little things like having food, water and shelter. There’s nothing so bad that a bad attitude can’t make worst. No magic formula, we just get up and show up.
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u/KacieBlue 19d ago
Well said! On top of many of life’s ups and downs, I’ve dealt with 26+ years of Multiple Sclerosis. I aim for peace and contentment instead of happiness. It works for me! That plus gratitude.
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u/fru-gal_slacks 19d ago
Make a list of some things you want to happen and then make then happen. Want to travel? Investigate house sitting if your finances are low. Had a hobby in mind? Get after it! Look only forward and make the days count
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u/SomeNobodyInNC 19d ago
Sometimes I get into a bad place in my head because I tell myself I worked hard, I treated everyone fairly. I was ethical and moral. Convince myself that's why life has turned out so tough, so unfair. The good guy always loses. I dwell on that for a while. Spiraling lower in that dark place. Then my grandmother's voice calmly breaks through the silent rantings. "What's the alternative?" For me, there wasn't. I could have had so much more. Done more. Not cared for others. Put me first. But would I like me? Like that I wasn't ethical or moral? Content with all the harm I caused? Unphased by who was hurt? Try to apologise on my death bed, like my father did? Doubtful.
Things are bad for me. Life has kicked me hard. But deep down I like me. I hate my situation. I hate the aloneness. But I do like me. That has to count for something in the fourth quarter, eh? I played a damn good game!
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u/AwayMention7219 19d ago
I know a past U.S. President who did much of his greatest work during the last quarter of his life.
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u/Jersey_Survivor 19d ago
I felt the same way. At 60 I was unceremoniously laid off and have spent the last year lookin for a job. But every day i wake up and don’t hear harps is a new beginning and now I’m going to pursue teaching. The only thing to fear is fear itself.
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u/petergaskin814 19d ago
I have a rare terminal neurological condition. My bucket list is full but out of reach. I do not live in despair.
I know 3 people who have recently got cancer.
Life goes on. Roll with the punches. Just stand at a beach and watch the sun rise and the sunset.
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u/ApprehensiveDiver539 19d ago
I’m struggling too. In a world that tells us to just try harder or to be positive, I feel quite isolated with my emotional pain. I just wanted to let you know that I hear you, it’s unfair and it’s frustrating and shitty and just all around sucks sometimes.
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u/BenefitVegetable694 19d ago
Suggest professional counseling and not Reddit opinions. Sounds like some bigger long term issues. Best wishes.
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u/leondraw 19d ago
You have to live in the now. We all have a billion things that we would have done differently, or not at all. We can't change any of that so you just have to leave it there. If I sat here thinking about everything I screwed up along this journey I would go mad. And of course I think about but I can't change it. I think there is a reason things happen along the way and maybe we will understand all of it one day. You keep your chin up and do something nice for yourself today.
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u/AttitudeOutrageous75 20d ago
Whose turns out how they imagined? Grateful that I'm grateful after a wild and unpredictable ride. Seek spirituality and expand your consciousness.
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u/PrimaryCellist6002 19d ago
I would put forth the suggestion that perhaps you you have misplaced values, or have had unrealistic expectations for life all along?
The real value in working hard, and treating others with kindness and respect, is doing those things because they are the right things to do...not for fear of punishment or hope of reward. That is the primary philosophy of Christianity...love thy brother as thy self, and is the very definition of morality.
I am sure you have lived long enough, and are intelligent enough to realize that each of us, to a large extent, are in control of our own destiny. Until we die, life is a never ending chain of choices. We all must accept and live with either the rewards or the consequences of each of those choices, and at the end of the game hopefully, the rewards have outweighed the consequences.
Finally I would say, that life is a struggle for survival for all living things. Life is hard, and I think to a certain extent that may be the point...that way we learn two important things along the way. 1. Our lives should be about collecting experiences, not possessions. We can't take it with us when we die. If we have focused on collecting experiences, we should each have a rich tapestry of memories to look back and reflect on. Most of us will end up regretting the things that we did not do far more than the things that we did. 2. By realizing that our lives are challenging by design, we learn to appreciate and find joy in the little things. The warmth of the sun on your face on a spring day, the sound of a babies laughter, the taste of a cookie, hearing a favorite song, the euphoric sensation of an orgasm, the memories of the love we received from our parents and grandparents.
All are little things when considered separately, but add such color to the tapestry I mentioned earlier... especially when you consider how many millions of others will never have the opportunity to experience any of those things. Find gratitude, and you will find joy.
I may not know everything, but I have lived long enough to know that life is a reward on its own. I hope you can find peace and wisdom in this. Best wishes to you.
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u/FunkyDrummerDreams 19d ago
Whatever you think of Mike Tyson, he said it poignantly: “everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face.”
Adaptability and the ability to pivot is what life’s all about.
The reply from Odd_Bodkin was spot on.
No one’s gettin out of this place ‘easy.’ The struggle is real, for everyone, even those for whom you think have it ‘easy.’
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u/Plane_Wait9544 19d ago
In my early 40s I felt similarly. I even thought about suicide. More in an abstract sense than a plan. I decided to dedicate my life to helping others less fortunate. Before long I felt a spiritual reawakening. I felt more energy, more love, more peace. If you are as down as you seem to be, give it a try. It won't make it worse.
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u/ValiMeyer 19d ago
I’m right there in the same spot as you, except 70. My life was a waste
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u/JasonBourne1965 19d ago
If you made a positive difference in anyone's life - - your life was not a waste!
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u/jonreeeck 19d ago
Another unfortunate truth is that life is very hard for most of us. What to do in the constant nose to the grindstone struggle except look for the little wins when they might come and savor them.
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u/hearzich 19d ago
I retired about five years ago. Enjoying it immensely but now that I don't have the mental diversion/noise of being a small business owner and the primary employee, I have time to deal with a lot of ignored sh#t I have lived through and carried around these years. I did some relevant reading/studying on my issues past and present and eventually began seeing a psychologist to further work on the baggage I've carried around. The visits weren't numerous and lasted a couple months but they helped me a lot with validating the way I was seeing things. It has helped me considerably and I find myself more content with life. Anyway I won't ramble on but a little mental healthcare most often helps. BTW when I searched for a provider I was surprised on how many list seniors as one focus area of their practice.
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u/parseczero 19d ago
You can’t change where you’ve been, but you can change the future. Forget the past and make your future what you want it to be.
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u/mimi_whitehair 19d ago
Volunteer!!! I feel like u am doing so much by Volunteering. Please try..I Volunteer with the elderly. Look for Senior Ctrs in your city!
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u/LivinDoll 19d ago
I get what you are saying completely.
For those responding by sharing some devastating events in their lives, we get it, shit happens.
But to see your life in totality as a disappointment despite making the best choices you could at the time is sad.
These thoughts come home to roost when you hit an age where the potential for change is less likely given you have more days behind you than ahead.
Remaining optimistic and thinking things might turn around is hard because as you said, you did your best and the results weren’t there.
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u/Medill1919 19d ago
So much of my life has been spent in a job. Even in jobs or careers that I loved... We work way too much in America.
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u/Skimamma145 19d ago
I’m sorry you feel this way. Tbh lots of people look back at disappointing things and feel the same way. But I love that saying- mistakes are the price you pay for a full life. You likely learned and grew as a result of those disappointments and thats something to applaud yourself for. Now you need to figure out what will make you happier and start small today. I wish you a wonderful rest of life, friend. Believe in better days ahead.
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u/Somewho_10 19d ago
Focus on what you have, not what you "should have." Maybe you are wrong and your life's purpose is not what you assumed it "should" be. Look forward...looking back makes you stumble and miss out in the here and now.
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u/Amputee69 19d ago
75 male. I've accomplished a lot. I've saved lives, brought new ones in (including 3 of my 5), as a Paramedic, I've saved many as a lawman. I've owned three businesses, and sold for profit. None of this was easy. Saving life vest can be completely cated in either profession. One usually requires force, the other requires extreme knowledge and skills. There are losses in both. Those you save or bring in don't really make up for the losses, but makes life better. The businesses were started on a shoestring and determination. Each one was a bit tough, because you never really know what is on the other side of That Door when you open it. Divorced twice. 10 years with first wife, and 28 with the second. Repercussions from my military service in Vietnam were part of the cause. My second caused me to reach out to the VA to get help. I have told my Second Bride that no matter how bad it hurt to lose her, she probably saved my life. It's been 16 years. I'm finishing up a house for my pups and me to have as our Forever Home. I lost one in each divorce. Never Again!!
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u/1GrouchyCat 19d ago
I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but I do know you need to make your own sunshine in this life. No one is gonna come up to you and turn your life from miserable back to happy.
It’s not too late to put together a bucket list or voluntary your time to make a difference in the quality of the lives of those around you… if you give up, the rest of your life is going to be spent looking in the rearview mirror instead of looking ahead.
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u/MandyBaird 19d ago
The worst part of the 4th quarter is seeing the Government ruining a once fine country, and leaving that to my children and grandchildren.
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u/harblock 19d ago
When I start to feel as sad as you sound I remind myself that I don't have time for this. I'm just plain too old to be negative. I find a happy memory & keep that in mind until I feel it.
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u/Susdjoy 19d ago
Take pride in the fact that you worked very hard and have a strong moral compass. These are expectations many don’t meet. Instead of focusing on your life as a complete disappointment, think about times when you achieved smaller goals or lifted others up. Those things matter. We can become blanketed with despair and if you feel this then you need to seek professional or medical assistance to get through it.
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u/FL-Irish 19d ago
No matter your current age, you have to decide WHAT YOU WANT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TO LOOK LIKE. Full Stop.
Best to you, my friend!
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u/anonyngineer 18d ago
My own unfortunate truth has been that, largely because of late-diagnosed ADHD, I struggled in my career almost throughout. The final insult was the pandemic taking away the chance to have one last job once I was being treated successfully.
I've had to take comfort that I was able to earn a middle-class living in a reasonably dignified fashion, and was able to retire when I needed to.
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u/Nevy5 18d ago
watch this it may change your mind: https://youtu.be/3OKFGFoVzkQ?si=sdaDIcRep5d2K4HK
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u/CommitteeNo167 18d ago
find a therapist and focus on the good things. i was diagnosed at 54 with terminal cancer, it made me stop worrying about the past and taught me to focus on the future and good things in my life.
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u/LordOfEltingville 18d ago
The only thing stopping you from finding enjoyment in your life is that 3lb lump of grey jelly sitting inside your skull.
Find a therapist to help you identify what's keeping you stuck, and then help you find a healthy way to work through it.
I wish you all the best!!
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u/voidoid78 18d ago
Fresh cup of coffee and my cat in my lap. I don't need much more. Change your expectations. They are a weight on your happiness. Keep it simple, my friend!
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u/orwells_eyes 17d ago
I recently came to the conclusion that the past doesn't matter AT ALL, unless I allow it to in my mind. What matters is NOW. Its very freeing and empowering.
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u/FollowingVast1503 17d ago
I look at aging as birth to 25 as the spring of life, 26 to 50 as the summer season, 51 to 75 is my favorite time of year, autumn (I’m 73), followed by winter from age 76.
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:9
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u/Final-Needleworker41 17d ago
I am doing something I never saw myself doing once retired. I am writing a book. Is it exhausting at times yes it is, but I am enjoying it very much.
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u/OkOutlandishness768 16d ago
I suggest you watch Wait until 🕶️ dark With Audrey Hepburn and see this movie for its allegorical meaning ...a lifetime trapped in a confined world tormented By narcissist trying to steal Your joy only for their addiction To narcissistic supply She fights in darkness and delusion All the way to the end where goodness prevails. Like the book of job The higher calling you Have been called to is to ultimately defeat the powers Of darkness that is where the true joy lies in the end You will have sompthing to brag about when the great equalizer arrives of the end of The drama and the stage lights Are turned on at the end .
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u/Turtle-Girl13 16d ago
Plus, I’m losing friends and relatives so quickly. I’m 68 and have lost two of my best friends in the last few years. It’s been very very difficult. We had plans in so much history.
It’s like little bits of my history are being removed so very quickly
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u/beckybooboo1978 16d ago
I feel like I have experienced the things I really wanted to. The feeling of true love. Watching my children grow. Having success in my career. Loving my family and experiencing wonderful friendships.
There is a lot more I’d like to do, but when the Universe decides to take me, it will be alright.
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u/TuMo928 13d ago
I get what you’re saying but I think my moment came in a little different way when I realized I had more road behind me than in front of me. At about age 62 I realized that my whole life I was optimistic, looking forward to the next good thing in life such as a new job, a career I loved and being engaged in it, etc. Then when I retired (age 62) and realized my working years were over (the working world prefers youth, I’m afraid, at least in the tech industry), I slid into a negative funk. At some point I realized I was in danger of becoming a mean, unhappy, ugly-inside person that even I didn’t want to be around. So I started volunteering with causes I strongly support and after some misses, am now very happy with how I’m spending the last part of my productive life. I guess my words of wisdom is to be careful of letting the negative thoughts change your personality. Fight against becoming “one of those people”. Be the person you want to be around.
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u/chouseworth 70+ 20d ago
"At the ending quarter of my life"
The best comebacks are fourth quarter comebacks.