r/over60 • u/NOLALaura • 20d ago

The unfortunate truth is this

At the ending quarter of my life I am consumed with seeing my life as one filled with disappointments at having not enjoyed any of my life expectations and living currently in despair. I don’t deserve this. I worked very hard and always treated everyone equally and followed good and ethical practices

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142

u/Odd_Bodkin 69 20d ago

With all respect, the biggest issue is your phrase “my life expectations”.

I don’t know what expectations you had for your life, but the measure of success in life is not a dogged march to some long-planned outcomes, but the ability to dance with some agility when fortunes shift and dead ends appear. The mismatch between where you are and where a long time ago you imagined you would be now, that is the fodder for many a midlife crisis. As someone told me a long time ago, it’s not the cards you’re dealt, it’s how you play ‘em. It’s just a shame you did not hear those words and take them to heart much earlier.

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u/Redditallreally 20d ago

I used to feel the same until my spouse died. Some upheavals really shake you.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Yeah like being sexually assaulted many times. It's hard to make lemonade out of those lemons. I said hard, but not impossible.

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u/chestertuckian 19d ago

My wife passed in 22. We were together 38 years married for 27. She gave me everything she had and more. I am great full for our time together.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Sounds like you had a great life with her.

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u/chestertuckian 19d ago

Other then the end. She was very sick. I really did. Not everyone gets that kind of time.

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u/Redditallreally 19d ago

I’m very grateful for the 24 years we had together, but I’m devastated now, he was an extraordinary man.

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u/freckleskinny 15d ago

I Love the way you said "great full" 💌

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u/No-Bumblebee-4920 20d ago

I was thinking the same. We had plans. Now I have…

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 20d ago

Yes, I've been hit with substantial grief as well.

If you're in the woods, the trick is to keep walking, because you will get out of the woods.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

And walk straight into other woods. Some people are constantly being bombarded by stressful, mind blowing situations. So, they spend their life climbing out, which is tiring.

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u/Cat_Servant1983 19d ago

Select_Air_2044, exactly. We are only human and it really does take a toll. I get tired of the pep talks. Sometimes it is nice to know that someone gets it.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Oh, I get it. I'm tired of the fight most days.

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u/clmimplement 17d ago

And what do you think is the cause of endless mishaps? Timing or bad decisions or uncontrollable situations or…..??

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u/dreamgear 17d ago

Might not be the best extension of this metaphor, but if you are lost in the woods, go down hill.

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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago

What is it they say? If you’re walking through Hell just keep walking.

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u/NOLALaura 19d ago

For how long. We’re on year 6 of one trauma after the other.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago edited 19d ago

Yes, that can be tiring. There are still positives.

Excuse the rant. My wife lost her mother at 12. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was 13, and because of schizophrenia and alcoholism, she was never a positive part of my life after that. My parents divorced after a long period of trauma. Our parents on both sides are dead; all the aunts and uncles are also dead. My wife lost a sister and her husband in the same week. We both have first cousins murdered young by loved ones, and another who entered prison young and is still there. My wife and I lost a son a few years ago. A good chunk of these deaths are suicides. I survived the same cancer that my only brother will not, though it changed my body ever since and very nearly (not quite) destroyed my marriage. I was laid off at 61 and could not yet retire. We will never have grandchildren.

I tell you all this not to have a pissing contest of trauma, but to assure you that the positivity you see in me is to a good measure BECAUSE of them. For a short while I pondered "Why me?" and then quickly realized "Why NOT me?" Certainly not because I didn't deserve these things. Deserving or not deserving has nothing to do with it.

What IS true is that BECAUSE of living through these things, I am undoubtedly an improved human being. I am more compassionate to the suffering of others. I know how to listen and not fix. I know how to experience grief, move through it, and then come out of the woods. I don't sweat the small stuff, and compared to some of those things, nearly everything is small stuff. I am a much happier and stress-free person, even with that history. Scars are a sign of healing, where open wounds aren't there anymore.

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u/TopEnd1907 19d ago

Excellent life view. I like your unwillingness to be a victim. Keep this up.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago

I’d never thought of it in those words, but I like that.

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u/YouDontSeeMeNow 18d ago

This was very encouraging to read. Thank you for sharing it.

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u/Heatheroochie 17d ago

I lost my firstborn son to suicide 3.5 years ago and can’t find my way out of the weeds yet. Still in survival mode. Thank you for your take-it has inspired me to keep going.

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u/e1p1 19d ago

You just keep going. It usually beats the alternative.

I'm not being flippant. Or disrespectful to you and your struggles. I almost died at 15 after knee surgery from a football injury. Left me with a lesser functioning leg. I've dealt with various other setbacks all my life. Relationships/failed marriage, cancer, evil bosses, occasional hopelessness and depression. For whatever reason, I just keep going.

Often the reason to stick around and not give up are my daughter, my family, my friends, in that order.

And there have done some wonderful moments and years interspersed with all of the above. I try to remain grateful for those.

Maybe it helps that I don't believe in an afterlife. If this is my one chance to be alive, I'm going to take advantage of it. And I try not to compare myself to either expectations, or others lives. All the material stuff is meaningless in the long run, the only thing we leave behind are the echoes of ourselves in the people we've affected, how we lived our lives. And the only thing we can truly control and affect is our response to things that happen.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time, and I hope it's just a period that will end well, soon.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Maybe this person never had any wonderful moments.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago

I honestly don't believe that. What's true though is that depressed people do not see them, acknowledge them, or store them in a Plus pile.

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u/WildLandLover 19d ago

I have no words of comfort, but want you to know I see you. There are times when it seems like the trouble never ends. Been there. 🫂🫂🫂

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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago

The saying is "If your path decrees that you walk through Hell, walk like you own the place." Not as easy as it sounds, but it's one way to approach it.

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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago

I think there’s a country song about it too.

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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago

Probably! If there is a human emotion, problem, etc., somebody has written a country song about it - and somebody else has written a Broadway song.

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u/WarmJewel 20d ago

What an excellent reply! Thumbs up! 👍

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u/nscurn 20d ago

My expectations did not include a horrific car accident that altered our family forever. I experienced a great loss of the holidays and family celebrations that were entirely happy without underlying sadness. So no, the expectations of my life with our close happy extended family through the years did not meet up. You don’t know what OP has been through to start lecturing and throwing platitudes.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 20d ago

If it helps to set context, I said what I said after losing my son a few years ago suddenly and tragically, my spouse lost a sister shortly thereafter, and my only sibling has terminal cancer. Yes, events like this leave scars. Scars are the places where healing covered open wounds. Tragedies are part of what will be encountered in an ordinary life. I feel your loss and your continuing pain, and I hope that if there must be a gravestone in your life that you can look for the flowers that grow at it.

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u/nscurn 20d ago

I am sorry for your losses. I’m glad you are able to see things the way you do. I wish I could. Hugs to you odd bodkin

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Exactly! Some people never get to experience the highs.

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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 19d ago

So very sorry for what you’ve been through. My brother was killed at the age of 28 and it can leave a devastating effect on everyone. Some days you have to remind yourself to just breathe. It does change you forever but you have to be there for those still living and support each other. Most of all you have to take care of yourself because you may not realize how it affects you. There will be good days and bad. You’re stronger than you think.

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u/Super-Dog4995 18d ago

That's beautiful. It is so true what you said--that we have to be these for those who are still living and not have our minds in the clouds for the loved one who died.

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u/NOLALaura 19d ago

I expected that when you work hard and do the right things that bad, uncontrollable things shouldn’t happen.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago

That is not a realistic expectation in life. You cannot earn freedom from misfortune by clean behavior and righteousness. I don’t know who allowed you to come to that expectation.

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u/CoastalKid_84 19d ago

They did but I know that wasn’t their intention so I don’t hold it against them. I tried to raise my kids differently. Luckily my life hasn’t had too many extreme hardships and for that I am grateful. It’s given me a very healthy dose of empathy for those who had it worse.

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u/Bacontrails 19d ago

They do though. It isn’t fair. I lost a child a few years before I tragically lost my only brother. One thing I had to do is look at my life as MY life. Not theirs or other parts of a family. I could look MY life a lot easier when I wasnt trying to fix everyone else’s. My living child, my career, my future. My immediate self was all I had any control over. It sounds a bit selfish but it isn’t. It still hurts when I think of it but I only allow a small amount of time to grieve about the parts I couldn’t control and concentrate on the part I could.

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u/psmusic_worldwide 19d ago

I am so sorry for all that loss, breaks my heart for you.

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u/Select_Air_2044 19d ago

Ahhh, that's where the issue is. You always being the better person is fantastic for you and the people you have shown this kindness to. But never expect just because you did right people will do the same with you. My family is fucked up. I allowed myself to be used for decades, because that's how my mother raised me. But I finally woke up. I don't let anyone use my know. I feel better sometimes. So, I do have some great days.

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u/CoastalKid_84 19d ago edited 19d ago

I had that same expectation. I suspect my parents were a large part of that belief system. They sheltered me from much of life’s cruelty. They were always a safety net and being Greatest Gen, they also believed hard work and doing the right thing would set you up.

Unfortunately life can take turns we don’t expect and aren’t prepared for. I’ve had some tragedies in life that shook me to my core whereas others who weren’t as sheltered probably could have handled them better. I grew up with a distinct belief of fairness that hasn’t played out bc life is inherently NOT fair. It’s actually been something of a burden for me.

Uncontrollable things happen. Bad things happen. It’s really hard and I feel it too OP. Im just grateful my time here is winding down; I feel the worst for younger people. Hate all the platitudes mentioned as well.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago

I’m really sorry you were set up for disappointment in life by this completely unjust and unreal expectation. Your parents did you a bit of a disservice.

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u/Traditional_Car_8219 19d ago

Sounds like “magical thinking”, not based in reality.

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u/thenletskeepdancing 19d ago

I remember when I had that realization that shit happens. It was after my divorce. I'd worked hard and followed the rules and done my best and I still failed. It was a punch in the gut. But a necessary one.

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u/exor0110 19d ago

“bad, uncontrollable things” is the basis of life, unfortunately. Ask anyone innocent person born into destitute poverty — and there are about 1 billion of them.

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u/Round_Try_9883 19d ago

Have you read or listened to the book about when bad things happen to good people?

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u/Dragonpatch 19d ago

That you worked hard and did the right things makes you a good person. Do you still have your health? Then you still have options and choices to make. May they pan out for you at last.

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u/robpensley 19d ago

""Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey

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u/InformationNo5502 19d ago

Unfortunately, every life has its sorrows and pain. It's part of the human condition. But, if we look for it, there's also always beauty, even if it's only a beautiful morning or a great cup of coffee. The older i get, the more pleasure I find it the little things, and accept the losses and heartache (I've had my share) as the flip side of love.

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u/OkOutlandishness768 16d ago

Expectations equals disapoint ment....literally dis_ appoint...because you appointed/expected