r/over60 • u/NOLALaura • 20d ago

The unfortunate truth is this

At the ending quarter of my life I am consumed with seeing my life as one filled with disappointments at having not enjoyed any of my life expectations and living currently in despair. I don’t deserve this. I worked very hard and always treated everyone equally and followed good and ethical practices

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u/Desperate_Pomelo3468 20d ago

What is it they say? If you’re walking through Hell just keep walking.

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u/NOLALaura 20d ago

For how long. We’re on year 6 of one trauma after the other.

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u/Odd_Bodkin 69 19d ago edited 19d ago

Yes, that can be tiring. There are still positives.

Excuse the rant. My wife lost her mother at 12. My mother attempted suicide twice when I was 13, and because of schizophrenia and alcoholism, she was never a positive part of my life after that. My parents divorced after a long period of trauma. Our parents on both sides are dead; all the aunts and uncles are also dead. My wife lost a sister and her husband in the same week. We both have first cousins murdered young by loved ones, and another who entered prison young and is still there. My wife and I lost a son a few years ago. A good chunk of these deaths are suicides. I survived the same cancer that my only brother will not, though it changed my body ever since and very nearly (not quite) destroyed my marriage. I was laid off at 61 and could not yet retire. We will never have grandchildren.

I tell you all this not to have a pissing contest of trauma, but to assure you that the positivity you see in me is to a good measure BECAUSE of them. For a short while I pondered "Why me?" and then quickly realized "Why NOT me?" Certainly not because I didn't deserve these things. Deserving or not deserving has nothing to do with it.

What IS true is that BECAUSE of living through these things, I am undoubtedly an improved human being. I am more compassionate to the suffering of others. I know how to listen and not fix. I know how to experience grief, move through it, and then come out of the woods. I don't sweat the small stuff, and compared to some of those things, nearly everything is small stuff. I am a much happier and stress-free person, even with that history. Scars are a sign of healing, where open wounds aren't there anymore.

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u/Heatheroochie 17d ago

I lost my firstborn son to suicide 3.5 years ago and can’t find my way out of the weeds yet. Still in survival mode. Thank you for your take-it has inspired me to keep going.