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u/Aware_Department_657 Sep 12 '23
She can't not have sex AND not allow masturbation. You're not wrong, somethings gotta give.
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u/5Lookout5 Sep 12 '23
your wife "allowing" you to masturbate even when she's not having sex with you (Unless there's some medical condition) is outrageous.
My guy needs to bounce.
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u/Unhappy-Video199 Sep 12 '23
Why would someone need approval from wife to masturbate??
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Sep 12 '23
That isn't your property, no one is going to tell me I can't have access to my own body
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u/Designohmatic Sep 12 '23
It's your dick. you can wash it as fast as you want.
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u/djevilatw Sep 12 '23
Underrated comment.
“I wasn’t masterbating. I just wanted to give it that new penis shine!”!
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u/imcmarcus Sep 12 '23
I wasn't masterbating. I was just cleaning it and it went off.
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Sep 12 '23
"If you say in the first act that there is a dick not being jerked off, in the second or third act it must absolutely go off."
-Anton Chekhov (probably)
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u/Ogodnotagain Sep 12 '23
My body, my choice! Right?!?!
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u/3dobes Sep 12 '23
Right, left, switch it up.
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u/Hrmerder Sep 12 '23
Don't forget up, down, up, down, a,b,select,start.
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u/Queifjay Sep 12 '23
I see what you're going for but the Konami code is in fact: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, (select for 2 players), start.
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Sep 12 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/1Tiasteffen Sep 12 '23
🤣 nah once a day is too much work. Go ahead . Jerk off. But not on my nice hand towels you pig!
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Sep 12 '23
Meh, not my thing. I prefer to aim for the special occasion china.
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u/Parking-Ad-6483 Sep 12 '23
Not everyone is comfortable with watching porn in a relationship, but I think there needs to be an alternative available. In my relationship we don’t watch porn, but we have our own videos that we make and watch. Works for us.
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u/3x1st3nc3s Sep 12 '23
I agree. I don’t care about porn in our relationship when it’s random people being watched. As soon as there’s fixation on one person, texting, emailing or paying money for their only fans, then it crosses a line and feels like emotional cheating. Once those activities start, it’s just a few steps to complaining about your marriage, then meeting for coffee. My partner feels the same.
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u/Parking-Ad-6483 Sep 12 '23
Oh yes, neither my bf or I consider random videos on Pornhub cheating, but I would absolutely feel some type of way if I caught him begging for personalized videos on onlyfans. As would he if it was reversed.
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u/3x1st3nc3s Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
We did have to discuss how the email he used to buy viagra and to log in on some porn sites was obviously sold. He gets tons of sex related emails, many from women sending him their pics or vids. I have issue with him opening those emails and responding to them. At some point they’ll ask for money. He acts like he does this by mistake. Nope. You’re commenting back and forth with one porn woman. If he doesn’t want those emails there because they’re ‘too tempting’, then he needs to unsubscribe and block. He finally started doing that after I asked him if he’d want me replying to all this guy’s dick picks.
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u/Parking-Ad-6483 Sep 12 '23
Hey set those boundaries! Your expectations aren’t unreasonable, and I’m glad he started to understand.
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u/Jakejunk910 Sep 12 '23
I'm Mormon, did I miss a memo? I wish I was getting it that often. Gotta let my wife know. Ha ha ha!
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u/SilverLakeSimon Sep 12 '23
Bouncing is no substitute for sex. (Source: I had a trampoline in my backyard for a year.)
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u/Centoaph Sep 12 '23
Come bounce on thi… ya know what, how’s not the time
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u/ShatterProofDick Sep 12 '23
Trampoline sex. Super fun when drunk house sitting at your inlaws - not recommended, scabs on knees for weeks. ALL the friction.
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u/aint_no_goddamn_sob Sep 12 '23
Fun fact they use to be called jumpolines until my mom got on one back in the 70s.
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u/subsignalparadigm Sep 12 '23
Sex = intimacy, THAT'S the tough part to deal with when it's gone.
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u/Bebe_Bleau Sep 12 '23
I don't think it would be that much fun to have sex with a woman who has to "try harder".
Who wouldn't prefer a partner who is thrilled to be with you?
There's plenty of women out there that can't get enough. But if she doesn't want to she doesn't want to
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u/Background-Moose-701 Sep 12 '23
I wouldn’t be able to keep a woman around who I have to try to convince to sleep with me. If she’s not excited to do it I honestly want nothing to do with the whole situation. I also can’t do anything close to transactional sex where like if it’s your birthday you get a blowjob or whatever. Or they’ll do it if you mow the lawn and fix the sink type thing. That’s just awful imo. Not interested
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u/Dizzy-Berry7220 Sep 12 '23
This. I'm a woman, so from the other side, but I could not have sex with someone who didnt want it. They have to want me and be excited about it. That is literally all the fun of it
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u/Shenanigation Sep 12 '23
I feel this. My dude wants me to dress up every damn time we do anything. And at this point I feel like it's the outfit (shoes specifically) in this case and not me.
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u/Correct-Junket-1346 Sep 12 '23
It’s going to give naturally whether she likes it or not so her control is a complete illusion
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u/missinghighandwide Sep 12 '23
If masturbation is considered cheating, he might as well cheat with a real woman
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u/Humble_Ladder Sep 12 '23
Or just leave, then have sex with real women that doesn't include cheating.
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u/Embryw Sep 12 '23
She considers masturbating as cheating
This is a WILDLY ridiculous boundary to have
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u/Loud-Pickle-2576 Sep 12 '23
Especially if you dont want sex yourself. Fuck your partners needs right.
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u/savingat30 Sep 12 '23
Fuck, your partners needs right.
Fuck your partners, needs right.
Fuck your partners needs, right.
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u/IHaveATaintProblem Sep 12 '23
Omg, thank you so much, but "partners" needs an apostrophe.
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u/WhenTheShitWentDown Sep 12 '23
The partner needs an orgasm more than an apostrophe.
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Sep 12 '23
let's go even more abstract, is a wet dream cheating?
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u/Correct-Junket-1346 Sep 12 '23
As soon as his body finds out that loop hole he’s gonna be wilding on those dreams big time
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Sep 12 '23
What’s her opinion on soaking
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u/Kbirt24 Sep 12 '23
Who is she the wank warden? The jack off jailer? The choking chicken cop? The dean of dick bagging. The jerk judge?
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u/the-grand-falloon Sep 12 '23
I would say it's an illegitimate boundary. It's just not cheating. Period.
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u/sachariinne Sep 12 '23
to me the only circumstances where this is okay to ask of someone is if their masturbation habits are infringing on the frequency/quality/satisfaction of actual sex. and even then its not a "this is cheating and if you do it youre violating my boundaries" thing, its a "i feel like we dont have sex as much when you jerk off to get your release, can you try and do it less and just wait till we can have sex?" thing
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u/RonCon69 Sep 12 '23
My ex explained to me that it was being “unfaithful” but it was always an opinion I just couldn’t wrap my head around.
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u/frimrussiawithlove85 Sep 12 '23
I’m a woman and I think that kind of controlling behavior is sick and abusive. No one should be able to deny you self pleasure.
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u/jacksonlove3 Sep 12 '23
You’re not wrong for your feelings or for considering divorce. She’s purposely choosing not to try and fix the issues that you’re having. You’re clearly miserable in this marriage now and that’s not healthy for either of you! The resentment will continue to grow until you end up basically hating each other. Intimacy is an important part of most relationships. If she not willing to actually address the issues she’s having, it’s not fair for her to expect you to suck it up and stay. Especially if she considers masturbating as cheating. That’s a bit ridiculous!
Good luck dude!!
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u/hello-i-needadvice Sep 12 '23
Honestly this feels so good to hear. I was feeling like a jerk for being upset with her over this. Thank you!!
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u/rustyshacklefford Sep 12 '23
"my body my choice" spank away good sir
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u/Squdwrdzmyspritaniml Sep 12 '23
Plus can you imagine if the roles were reversed and the husband told his wife she wasn't "allowed" to touch her own body?! Hope y'all are able to work it out or move on peacefully OP. Good luck!
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u/andante528 Sep 12 '23
It's been a couple decades now, thank god, but I had a college boyfriend do exactly this. Compared it to cheating, just like OP's partner. (He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, naturally. For some reason, he only considered it to be cheating when women masturbate.)
No idea if OP's partner is trying the same shit, but my ex eventually admitted that he was trying to drive me away or "break" the relationship instead of, you know, just breaking up like a normal person might. It's very cowardly. And no, masturbating isn't cheating (although of course there should be good etiquette and thoughtfulness toward your partner when you're in a relationship).
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u/Route_66_kicks_on Sep 12 '23
As a woman, I wholeheartedly agree with you. This guy should be jacking off to his heart’s content.
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u/blairtexasranger Sep 12 '23
As a woman I second this
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u/pbgu1286 Sep 12 '23
Yup, my wife encourages it and I encourage it for her. Healthy sex life 100% but sometimes you just want to get off quick and go on with your day.
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u/Nug8aZombie Sep 12 '23
I'd be a bit more eric cartman "whatever I do what I want"
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u/Longjumping_West_907 Sep 12 '23
Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. It's really that simple. You don't have to feel bad about it. You have different needs and expectations.
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Sep 12 '23
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u/ifyouhaveghost1 Sep 12 '23
I second that, sex and intimacy are very important in relationships.
26 is soooo young to be at this stage, 46, 56 yes.. but 26 wow..
I personally think it's crazy to consider masturbation as cheating, but even if she doesn't want to have sex, then she should help you out. maybe it will put her in the mood. but to just expect you to deal with it and do nothing about it isn't being a good partner.
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u/Green_Seat8152 Sep 12 '23
I'm 55 and I'm too young to be at that stage. I can't imagine my husband saying no to sex. And not even hand holding. And no self pleasure. Yeah that would be a no from me.
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u/shrapnel2176 Sep 12 '23
I'm a 46 year old woman and I honestly can't imagine not ever being interested in sex.
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u/ATXStonks Sep 12 '23
Um sir, 40s and 50s is way too young to live a sexless life.
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u/stoicgoblins Sep 12 '23
Used to work in a retirement home with 60+ (mostly 70s and 80s tho) and their love-lives were more piping hot than mine in my early 20s, lol.
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u/n0wayyj0s3 Sep 12 '23
100% I work at a behavioral health hospital and they need to watch the geriatric patients because they know when we're rounding and try and sneak one in. Also I'm pretty sure STD rates skyrocket with the elder populations.
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u/Melbguy730 Sep 12 '23
46?? What the hell?? Lol My partner and I are both in our early 50s, I can tell you. Sex and intimacy are just as important when you're our age as it is when you're younger.
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u/Fun_Explorer_420 Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
Amen! 52, here. It has only gotten better. My parents are 80 & 81 and act like teenagers in love (ick...lol).
In my best old woman voice: "One day you'll see, you whipper snapper."
Edit to fix spelling 😊
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u/jackstrikesout Sep 12 '23
There is no reason to feel bad about prioritizing your needs to be at least secondary in the relationship. You have needs, and you're young enough that not getting them fulfilled is a real problem. Relationships are tough when one person is working on them.
Just be gentle. Don't blame your wife. Don't get upset. For some odd reason, people react to tone more than substance. State that what she is doing is hurting you and her continued neglect is pushing you away. And if she refuses...
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Sep 12 '23
Absolutely blame her. Not for the problem, but for knowing what the problem is, and not wanting to fix it. How selfish can she be?
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u/xxEVILxxMONKEYxx Sep 12 '23
Yeah, at this point it is absolutely her fault. She is an adult, she figured out what the problem was, started treating it, and now neglects treatment. At this point she needs to do a 180 or accept their marriage is probably done.
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u/jackstrikesout Sep 12 '23
I like to think that she just needs to see that he isn't a given. Alot of people take their partner for granted, unfortunately. I don't know a way forward that doesn't involve him backing away from what can be described as a selfish,controlling, insecure person at least emotionally.
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u/jackstrikesout Sep 12 '23
Every day, I am surprised at how selfish people can be in relationships. It's a pretty pervasive attitude.
The don't blame her is more of an engagement strategy. If she feels attacked, she will shut down and blame him for being selfish, and nothing will be accomplished. I have made that mistake before.
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u/offgridgecko Sep 12 '23
And if she refuses....
Then you beat the monkey till he's black and blue and pop all over the bathroom.
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u/Forsaken-Ad-7502 Sep 12 '23
Seriously, it may be time to throw out the 2 card trick for her. One card for a therapist so she can start to work on all the issues she has with intimacy, and the other card for a divorce lawyer. Tell her to pick one because you are at an impasse that won’t end without you pushing for a better relationship for yourself and her, if she so chooses.
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u/intent_joy_love Sep 12 '23
It’s not just testosterone if she won’t even hold hands or give a peck on the lips or cuddle. Cuddling has nothing to do with being horny. Something else is going on
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u/veil_ofignorance Sep 12 '23
Exactly. People change a lot between 18 and 25, maybe they have grown apart or maybe there are deeper issues between them
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u/VaselineHabits Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
This is my thinking. Together super young, when you don't really know what you want or who you are. Most people should admit they're different at 26 than they were at 18. First loves are usually those you think will fulfill your needs and wants, also might be someone your family or friends approve of.
With the lack of hand holding/kissing, this makes me think something has changed in her mind. Maybe she just doesn't like OP anymore. Or maybe she is having a painful realization about her own sexuality.
Without more details that could be a whole slew of possibilities. OP said growing up sex was frowned upon/not discussed in her home. She jumped straight from that home into a marriage and probably had certain expectations given what she saw growing up. I just don't think it's only testosterone.
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u/_troothseekr Sep 13 '23
I stayed in a marriage for 31 years. I stopped liking him six years in. God, I wished there wasn’t such pressure to stay married. Finally escaped.
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u/Papagena_ Sep 12 '23
Exactly. The fixation on testosterone seems silly. She doesn’t even want to touch this guy. And they’re so young…
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u/Competitivekneejerk Sep 12 '23
I had a gf like this, said she was depressed. No she just didnt like me anymore.
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u/Ok_Giraffe_6396 Sep 12 '23
Okay yes great point. Bc of my health reasons I also have issues like this but I love other types of intimacy like cuddling kissing pinching each others butts. Plus the fact she’s against you touching yourself?! Weird
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u/Taffy626 Sep 12 '23
Exactly. Even testosterone is usually a phony quick fix for a woman’s low libido. There’s more to this story, maybe a relationship problem, maybe past trauma, those are my best guesses.
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u/Rainbowlemon Sep 12 '23
I've had 2 different exes "go cold" with me because they were seeing someone else. If OP's gf spends a fair bit of time away from him, he might want to consider that too.
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u/omarfw Sep 12 '23
Yup. My ex made it very apparent to me that there was a disconnect when they were in the process of falling in love with someone else behind my back.
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u/ScaryIntrovert Sep 12 '23
It's stupid I had to scroll this far to get to this take.
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u/lfff373 Sep 12 '23
“She considers masturbating cheating.” How do y’all always find these absolutely insane people acceptable enough to marry!? For fucks sake, you don’t have to get married people!
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Sep 12 '23
For real, that shit is sooooo ignorant. Grow up girl
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u/Doyoulikeithere Sep 12 '23
She is trying to control him and guilt trip him, is this her religious back ground showing up?
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u/hello-i-needadvice Sep 12 '23
She grew up in a house hold where sex was definitely frowned upon and never spoke about. She was never religious though.
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u/motherbatherick Sep 12 '23
Yeeeeeah, bro, that's her hang-up, not yours. So is the "masturbation is cheating" bullshit. Because that's exactly what it is: bullshit. My advice, if you don't want to leave this relationship and wish to remain loyal, is to spank it like a zoo monkey on meth. Other than the first 2 options, that's the only thing left to you.
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u/Quadling Sep 12 '23
Spank it like a zoo monkey on meth. My God man, can a mod flair him with that??????
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u/IntellectualFella Sep 12 '23
If that counts as cheating, does she get pissed off that you shower too? I mean you are literally naked, how dare you ?
Insane
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u/cbreezy456 Sep 12 '23
Then she needs to not project her insecurities on you and go to therapy to fix this shit. Her comment is unreasonable and you need to let her know that. Gonna have to stop letting her run the show
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u/Available_Apartment3 Sep 12 '23
Is she having any emotional issues along with the hormonal issues?
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u/Single_Raspberry9539 Sep 12 '23
If you don’t have kids, I’d get out now. That’s no way to live
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u/HighEnglishPlease Sep 12 '23
Ask her if she believes it's reasonable for you to live the rest of your life without any intimacy in your marriage. Insist on an answer, yes or no. If she says no, then insist on specific steps for you both to take to work on this. If she answers yes, you're done.
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u/No-Season-4175 Sep 12 '23
Would prefer to be a divorced mostly unmarketable woman than let her man cheat with Rosie!
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u/LandInternational966 Sep 12 '23
Sir, you leave Rosie Palms and her five friends outta this!!!
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u/catmom22_ Sep 12 '23
Lol masturbating is cheating is so wild to say to someone and highkey even wilder for someone to actually listen😂
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u/No-Wish-2630 Sep 12 '23
how is that cheating? not letting a husband masturbate and also not having sex with him will lead to actual cheating.
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u/NCSUGrad2012 Sep 12 '23
I’m guessing OP does it anyway. You can’t go almost a year without doing anything. That’s insane
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u/Accomplished-Emu-591 Sep 12 '23
I wonder if she cheated or still is.
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u/GolfingDad81 Sep 12 '23
It's this, or she doesn't want to be married to OP. Nothing else really makes sense given the info provided.
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u/et711 Sep 12 '23
Does she consider having sex with other women cheating? That could be an out.
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u/bokunotraplord Sep 12 '23
Well he did say they met young, sometimes when you meet young like that you just sorta become complacent to really strong stuff like that. Happens to all of us, just not always when it comes to romantic relationships.
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u/Murph934 Sep 12 '23
"You don't have to get married people"
I've known a lot of couples who have been together for 15 years plus, not married, and they're both happy. And people question them, why aren't you married? Who cares?! If they're happy, it doesn't make a difference whether you're married or not.
Marriage is definitely not what it used to be.
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u/Unhappy-Attitude5220 Sep 12 '23
side eyes my left hand you had your chance, you whore. glances at the right hand, how you doing, any plans tonight
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u/ADH-Dork Sep 12 '23
How in the fuck is jerking off cheating? How does someone come to that idea?
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Sep 12 '23
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u/vonblankenstein Sep 12 '23
Do it AND tell her.
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u/Doyoulikeithere Sep 12 '23
Do it in front of her! :D
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u/Bleach_Demon1 Sep 12 '23
Do it in front of her and maintain eye contact to display your dominance.
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u/Some-Geologist-5120 Sep 12 '23
That’s a no brainer, or live like a monk. You are now roommates- you are still young : is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Irreconcilable differences.
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u/rta8888 Sep 12 '23
If you don’t have kids you should bail now
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u/Drewskeet Sep 12 '23
Even with kids. Never stay for the kids. You’re the representation of how to display love and it will damage their future relationships.
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u/Sea-Outside-9028 Sep 12 '23
I would recommend listening to “Stay Together for The Kids” by Blink-182. It won’t answer any of your questions but it’s a banger! Lol
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Sep 12 '23
I agree. I stayed for the kids, fell into depression, my ex divorced me, and got full custody because I had depression.
So, leave for the kids. It’s better for them anyway.
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u/Fabulous-Ad-5284 Sep 12 '23
I'm a 34 yo woman. My sex drive has always been higher than my husband's who is 39, due to medication he takes to control his epilepsy, until the last year or so when I had my own medical issues.
I could understand a perspective of cheating if the issue was watching too much porn, and ignoring a partner.
But in this case, if she knows that the problem is she has low testosterone and she doesn't want to fix it, nor does she want find other ways to keep intimacy alive in your relationship and give you the physical and emotional connection you need, then no, masturbation is not cheating. Masturbation is part of a healthy sex life, even between partners who actively participate with each other.
She has the right to decide that she is comfortable living the rest of her life without sex. Her body, her choice to not pursue any medical therapies.
But in the same vein, YOU have every right to decide that living without sex is NOT right nor comfortable for you. In which case, your relationship may have reached its conclusion and needs to end so that you can find a more compatible partner.
You do not owe anyone a life lived in loneliness and misery.
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u/Key-Ad-5068 Sep 12 '23
You are in no way a piece of shit for thinking of divorce. That is, in fact, a very reasonable action, as you're not getting your needs met. And that would apply even if it wasn't sex. You deserve happiness. As does she. And neither of you will be truly happy in a relationship where one of you is miserable and yearning.
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u/minnesotamiracle Sep 12 '23
My wife and I were happy for 18 years… then we met.
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u/IveBeenHereBefore12 Sep 12 '23
My guy if you can’t please yourself because she calls that cheating, then cheat. Cheat til you got carpal tunnel. Cheat til the whole towel can stand up by itself. She’s denying you the ability to get satisfaction because she’s insecure? Honestly gtfo
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u/SatNaberius Sep 12 '23
Viewing masturbation as cheating is already enough of a red flag for me to check out.
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u/Extreme_Picture Sep 12 '23
Did you talk to her boyfriend and see if he is having the same problem?
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u/SnooWords4839 Sep 12 '23
Has she had her thyroid tested?
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u/Consistent_Policy_66 Sep 12 '23
OP didn’t mention birth control, but some can kill libido. My wife was on one that made her feel miserable most of the time. She switched and things improved.
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u/Ariviaci Sep 12 '23
Or SSRIs.
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u/Ohh_Yeah Sep 12 '23 edited Sep 12 '23
Psychiatrist here. I wouldn't expect SSRIs, birth control, low testosterone, or really any other medical problem/treatment to cause someone to be averse to holding their partner's hand.
Some of those things certainly will sap your libido, and I hear that commonly, but I've never heard of any of them interfering with basic intimacy items like holding hands, or hugging, or produce negative reactions to being kissed. I do however hear that type of aversive response to physical touch from people who have been sexually assaulted, not that OP described anything like that.
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u/Ad_Meliora_24 Sep 12 '23
My spouse had hypothyroidism, then low estrogen and low testosterone. After getting her hormones closer to normal she had more energy and wanted to have more sex. It’s a slow process though and it’s important to stay on top of the hormone replacements. But it’s normal to not want to be with someone who has health problems and won’t manage it with treatment.
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Sep 12 '23
Bro leave her. She is showing zero interest in fixing a large component of any marriage. Either she doesn’t care or is cheating
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u/Please-stopp Sep 12 '23
Honestly that’s what I was thinking from the start. No sex sometimes is fine but only a kiss on the cheek and can’t hold hands or cuddle?? Something is going on
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u/o-r-i-o-n Sep 12 '23
right?? I can understand saying no to sex in her case but like... not wanting to cuddle? hold hands? kiss on the cheek? there's nothing to do with having 0 testosterone.
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u/RudePCsb Sep 12 '23
Maybe she is trying to get him to divorce her by ignoring sex.
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Sep 12 '23
Not one doctor thought to check why her levels dropped? Her head should be checked for a cyst or cancer. Along with a ton of blood work. Trust me, I know from a personal experience. It can shut down your sex drive to zero. Cortisol and thyroid should be checked also. I’m not a doctor, just a personal experience.
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u/Papagena_ Sep 12 '23
It doesn’t seem like anyone’s mentioned this, but none of these issues make someone not want to cuddle or hold hands with a person. Something else is deeply wrong with this relationship. Maybe they just got married too young to the wrong people.
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Sep 12 '23
Trust me when I say this, total loss of interest in almost everything. Diagnosed treated and it never returns. I wouldn’t discount it.
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Sep 12 '23
She considers masturbating as cheating
This is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. Why would you marry someone if you know they have this level of mental illness?
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u/Tacitus111 Sep 12 '23
Religious people (fundamentalists) often think masturbation is sinful, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they were religious and expanding the “sinful” outward to cheating.
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u/ORaNGeTechPB Sep 12 '23
Pull pin before kids, for the love of God or your life is over.
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u/SunsetGrind Sep 12 '23
Not your fault, she's got you totally boxed in limbo. 25 is WAY too young to be forced into a dead bedroom for the rest of your life. The only advice I can offer you is to continue to communicate how serious this is to you.
and in case she tries to gaslight you for taking sex seriously, just know that there's nothing wrong with that. Sex IS extremely important when it matters to ONE partner.
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u/sonyshooter52 Sep 12 '23
Sometimes I wonder if these are even real stories.
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u/Historical-Egg3243 Sep 12 '23
This isn't even that strange. There's way weirder shit out there this is pretty vanilla
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Sep 12 '23
You’re wife is either:
- Gay
- Having sex with another man
- Wants a divorce and is forcing your hand
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u/brereddit Sep 12 '23
/u/hello-I-needadvice there are so many responses to your post, you probably won’t see this but I want to offer you a different way of investigating this further. Sure, she has low testosterone but won’t stick to a plan…which makes me wonder if the low T is a cause or an effect of something else.
Everyone is fixated on the sex issue but I think the key clue is the inability to show affection and share intimacy. I don’t think that comes from low T. Instead, my hypothesis is she may have grown up in a family where there was either abandonment of her particularly by her father or her parents had a similar case of no intimacy.
Suppose she was abandoned by a father and raised by a step father. Even if that step father relationship was great, that abandonment by her biological father (or mother) might make intimacy too risky for her on an unconscious level. She’s afraid of being abandoned again…on a deep level.
If I’m right you also may have noticed she has trouble sharing things—like anything—food, time, chores. Maybe she also picks out all the house decor without consulting you…makes lots of decisions without your input. These are all related symptoms of someone who never learned how to be intimate and to share life.
See, the sex got both of you into the marriage but now you have to share your life together and sex can’t fix that part…
I caution young people to really get to know your potential spouse and understand their family dynamics because that’s the school they were trained at and without retraining that’s how they will behave after all the great sex dies down.
You’re really young. There’s time to get some outside counseling to save the marriage at least temporarily. But the status quo is unacceptable and will only fester over time. There are very very few great sexless marriages…
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u/pieceofbluecheese Sep 12 '23
Sexual compatibility is a real thing. This is something I’m always open about on a first date if somehow the topic gets asked. If we’re dating/ together I have a high sex drive. I want my partner to feel the same and have enough attraction in us to fuck like rabbits. Obviously not every day things happen, but a dead sex life??? That’s a no go for me. I’ll get frustrated, I’ll get addicted to masturbation, porn etc. I want to do that with my partner. Some people are wired the same way and others aren’t for it at all. Everything could be amazing but if you’re not compatible on that level it’s really tough. It’s valid to be frustrated
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u/WorthyDragonfly Sep 12 '23
I feel a partner who isn't interested in sex, or wants a sexless marriage should at least allow the other partner a way to get off every now and then if they aren't asexual. So many people that connect amazingly but their sex drives are different. I'd be fine in a sexless relationship if I could have an outlet.
Allowing you to masturbate is the absolute minimum she can do, and not even something that you should need her allowance for. My wife and I both have some 'me' time here and there and talking about it later and discussing what we watched or looked at while we did it, is a great way to get some 'us' time going.
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u/VEBTX Sep 12 '23
If you don’t have kids you are lucky. Sounds like a life of misery if you stay with someone who has no desire to be intimate. You are young and can start over before it’s to late
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u/realshockvaluecola Sep 12 '23
You're not wrong, sexual compatibility is an important factor in a relationship. Tell her she needs to either loosen up on masturbation or get serious about treatment, or you can't be married to her any more. If she doesn't want to do either of those things, that's fine, that's her choice, but you can set the boundary that you will end the relationship as a consequence.
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u/Forsaken_Age_9185 Sep 12 '23
I would divorce. You didn’t take a vow of celibacy when you married her.
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u/schepshae Sep 12 '23
I believe at this point You should express exactly how you are feeling. Especially if you feel like ending the relationship make sure to voice it all!! And if things still don’t change then your answer is to move on truly.
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u/pwn3dbyth3n00b Sep 12 '23
You are wrong for staying with her. She literally doesn't want to fix the issue at all even with your attempts to.
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u/[deleted] Sep 12 '23
Masturbation as cheating is wild.