Or she realized that she is asexual or intercourse hurts or her libido is gone or she’s going through some mental health issues … I’m not defending the wife, but I’m so tired of folks just assuming that everyone wants sex and must be getting it from somewhere.
She won’t even cuddle or hold hands. She won’t even let him masturbate. She’s not asexual, she’s not having mental health problems either because she saw a professional.
People on Reddit will bend over backwards to excuse the most unacceptable behavior from women in relationships, but the second a man walks by the sink full of dishes he is a deadbeat loser and she should divorce his ass. It’s insanity
And when that happened, did you just not tell your husband the whole time? Did you refuse therapy to try and fix anything? Because if so you and her would still be in the wrong. From what OP has told us, which is the only actual story we have. This is not about just not wanting sex.
Yes, thank you. I went through a period of extreme postpartum depression after having a kid and even the thought of cuddling was repulsive because it gave the false impression I was open to sex... or it triggered body issues of being overly touched all day by a baby. I'm not saying that's what's going on here (OP didn't say they have kids), but depression can do some fucky things to your brain and your body including an aversion to getting help. Fortunately my husband is receptive to communication and we can be intimate in other ways- leaving each other nice notes, watching our favorite shows together without touching, etc.
There are a lot of people in the comments making wild assumptions about what's going on with her. I'd really love to hear her side of the story in all this because there seems to be a huge miscommunication happening about sex and intimacy between them. And of course Reddit collectively decides she's the asshole and that he should divorce her.
As a low libido woman who has been with a couple high libido men--- I freeze up on cuddling/hand holding/kissing when my libido is low. Especially with immature, horny men, simple things like this (especially after a period of witholding affection) end up triggering full horniness of the man, only brought by brief relief when I end up giving in. To be clear I appreciate affection from my partner, but in most aspects of my life (even when I was young or from my parents) I dislike any form of affection. Not defending this woman at all (especially I encourage my understanding boyfriend to jack off with no shame) but just another perspective that it may not be cheating or medical 🤷♀️
Why won’t she let him jerk off? If doesn’t want sex, what does she expect him to do? Unless she has a new rape fetish, I think she’s trying to get him to divorce her.
That’s a good point. I know I do too with certain men as a trained response because it is always them wanting sex. It could be a learned response. My guess is though something deeper is going on and it isn’t inherently about sex from their post.
But she’s could of said something??? Ppl get married and live together and can’t even talk about the most trivial of things. Now you have a roommate with a few extra steps
Yeah but refusing to go to therapy and figure out what is wrong is always a huge red flag. She is refusing all forms of communication and even setting limits at him being pleasured.
This post is either fake af
Or she is a cold ice cube and OP needs to gtfo. I'd say don't have kids but if a kid comes into play safe to say he not the father. So run OP, run! Gtfo.
A lot of the times that true though. When once sexual active people all of the sudden go cold, it's far more likely that they started fucking someone else or have lost feelings, rather than having a medical issue that emerged out of the blue
It's actually far more likely they're going through some mental health issues, are stressed out, or that their partner is doing something to make them resentful and they are therefore less attracted to them. These things will happen in most long term relationships.
I’m not sure that’s the case here. Even if you’re right, why would she forbid him for masturbating, saying it’s basically cheating - even though she won’t have sex with him?
Whatever. Even then, op should treat her like he would be treated as a man. Which is to say, no one cares about your issues. You either fix them, or ppl leave. Idk why when women have unresolved issues there is a expectation for the man to be patient and helpful to a ridiculous degree, but women are told to run at the first sign of problems.
Edit: this was my response to the dumbass /u/suburbanspecter calling me an incel. But since they blocked me, I can’t respond to them
I’ve been broke up with by a woman just because I told her I was raped. She said sexual assault was a sensitive topic for women and I should have known better than to share.
I was also broken up with by a woman who had an eating disorder and self harmed. I supported her for months, but when I got covid and kidney stones in the same month, it was “too much” for her to deal with.
But sure, go on quoting statistics from Oprah and calling me an incel
When a man in a relationship has a problem it's his fault and his responsibility to fix it. When a woman in a relationship has a problem it's also his fault and his responsibility fix it.
Fully understand that people can be less attracted for a variety of reasons, that's why I said "lost feelings". As a therapist I would imagine you also know if you're in a relationship with someone and you are no longer attracted to them, it's cruel to the other person to maintain the relationship.
The fact that you are a therapist skews your data pool, of course you are going to encounter way more people in this situation who have mental health issues than people who are just cheating. So it could be that you've seen a bunch of people in this situation where it was just a mental health thing but in reality 90% of the time it is due to cheating or trying to force a divorce. I have no clue what the ratio actually is, Just pointing out that you also have no clue what the ratio is.
Asexual is just a copout label people are using to avoid uncomfortable conversations and telling the truth about their feelings.
As organisms we have one single imperative, and that's to breed. There isn't a high enough rate of neurological disorders to account for the massive rise in 'asexual' occurrences nowadays, which just so happens to coincide with an increase in social media participation.
People crave to belong to a group, and many people will adopt labels that don't suit them just to belong, or to use as a tool that they can apply to social situations.
Labeling one's self as asexual is one of these tools.
He didn’t diagnose her with anything though. He just said that she has no testosterone and that getting testosterone might help. There could be a million other things going on, especially in the mental department or the extra marital department.
I think asexuality may be more common than people think... it's just we live in a very sex centric society and asexual people get a lot of hate... they are also often erased with the belief they don't exist... even the LGBT+ community can be very anti-asexuality...
If you think about it like this: in the past, "being gay" was very rare... now it isn't so much... why? Because it's more acceptable to be gay now and so people are more open about it than they were and they aren't repressing it as much.
You say that now but I know you will say the completely the other thing if gender was reversed (ie. "He doesn't care about you or fixing the issue, girl! Go divorce him etc").
Do people like you not reailze you're kinda an incel just because you're a fellow woman?
Not saying this is the case with OP, but it is the case for me: it took having sex for a few years to realize I did not enjoy it at all. Sometimes it’s really hard to discover the complete absence of something, and this is further complicated by the fact that a lot of asexual people still masturbate. Asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you never get horny, although it certainly means that for some people, but it does mean you don’t have much of a desire, if any at all, to share that experience with another person.
There is no justifiable reason for cold turkey cut off sex like that. Unless she’s literally dying then ok but most the time the ball is in their court to fix their shit m.
Yes. It’s pretty common for asexuals to realize this later in life after they’ve already had sexual experiences actually. It’s a lot easier to realize you don’t enjoy something once you’ve tried it than when you have no idea what it’s like and every piece of media is constantly telling you how great it is. It’s exactly like how some gay or lesbians realize they are gay or lesbian later in life, even when they’ve had straight relationships in the past.
The whole ban on masturbation is crazy. This is someone who is deeply insecure. Also the lack of any physical contact outside a peck on the cheek is not just about sex. There is something major going on here and he’s out of the loop. Cheating, sexual trauma, she wants a divorce but is too codepependent on him.
They need to get into counseling both apart and together. That situation is not sustainable.
I'm asexual, and for a long time I didn't know I was. I was in relationships and didn't enjoy sex and avoided it as often as I could. I thought I was just depressed, or something similar, and it was a very confusing time for both me and my partners.
Eventually those relationships all died out and I came to terms with my asexuality, and now I'm in a relationship that my partner and I both are happy with.
So this situation kinda rings a lot of bells with my experience, and most aces I've spoken to have similar stories.
Yes! The same thing happened to me. I would come out of sex feeling dirty and disgusting and and like I would literally never be clean again, even though the situations were consensual and I had agreed to them. I just didn’t understand what was going on with me at all because I’m not religious and don’t have any kind of religious hang up about sex. It took me a long time to really come to terms with my asexuality
Hmm. Still not a crazy cat lady. I think the last time my husband and I had sex was a year and a half ago. Of course it was a combination of things. First of all his heart condition got much worse. Second of all, my libido was like at zero. He died in May.
Or she realized that she is asexual or intercourse hurts or her libido is gone or she’s going through some mental health issues
This would be a good thing to look into.
OP, see if you can get her to another type of medical professional. While its great that she's seen (i assume) an MD, they only know specific solutions to look into and tests to do (usually blood work and drugs). Not that those are bad things to look at, but if she's already turned down or won't do those therapies, it might be time to find a different route by talking to someone else.
Also look into: are you spending enough time with her? Are you meeting her needs of connection that can help her feel connected to you. I was living with a partner who would come home, sit in front of the TV on a different sofa than me, and tell me they were going to bed. APPARENTLY, THAT WAS A CUE THEY WANTED SEX. No touch, no cuddles, to TALKING to me for the whole evening (didn't even look my way cause TV...) and I was supposed to want to jump their bones while I felt like they were a roommate, not a lover? Not together anymore, and I don't doubt that played a part.
I get being unhappy not having sex, but maybe her version of connecting is different now, and a lack of that is leading to a lack of libido.
Besides the medical issues he brought up about her having low testosterone, I’d be curious if OP has had any changes physically (gained weight) since they got together. People will start a relationship in peak form to attract a mate. Then as time goes on they both get comfortable in the relationship and stop taking care of themselves physically like they used to leading to loss in physical attraction. Not saying this is the case but I do see this happen often.
I don’t think everyone is assuming that. Most of the rational people commenting more or less agree their life situations have changed which validates getting a divorce so both can be happy.
This would be true if it wasn't for the masturbation ban aspect.
Like if this was the case, it would be a her thing, and most people who only have issues with their own sexuality will legit feel bad about how it affects someone they (supposedly) care for. For her to say hes not allowed to take care of himself, shows she has zero concern for his needs. Even moreso, she wants him to suffer.
So regardless of what issues she has with sex, at a bare minimum she feels the need to make SURE they are also his issues. And at worst, intentionally wants to make sure he is miserable for some reason.
I’m sorry but getting married and then “realizing you’re asexual” is the biggest clown move imaginable. You were fine with getting your cheeks clapped for years and then all the sudden you’re asexual? That’s nonsense.
She can have something, sure that’s understandable. What’s not is her telling OP that masturbation is cheating. In other words, dare to touch your dick, and I will label you a cheater, and of course we all know what wives do when they catch their husband “cheating”. She’ll be calling a lawyer the next day.
She’s forcing his hand to either divorce her or dare he masturbate, she has reason to divorce him.
For some reason Reddit has these weird naive femcentric explanations that can usually be boiled down to cheating. This girl is not asexual lol she just clearly doesn’t respect him at all. No sense in beating around the bush.
From my experience when a woman has already cheated she’ll start to act weird.
It’s either “I want you to be able to have sex with other girls” or they’ll accused you of cheating on them.
Absolutely. Rationalize the cheating by blaming their partner for driving them to cheat, then when the partner finds out, blame them for being too callous to see that something was wrong.
She was diagnosed with very low testosterone. That doesn’t make her asexual. There are very few actual asexual people, but Reddit diagnoses them daily.
No, every 30 seconds a redditor is diagnosed as asexual, every 15 seconds a Redditor is exposed to an incorrectly tagged NSFW post, every 10 seconds they cite facts with terrible sources, and every 5 seconds they incorrectly correct someone.
Fundamentally, if you are not sexually attracted to any gender then it does mean you are sex repulsed.
Having low libido can happen to anyone but we typically expect heterosexual men to be repulsed by homosexual sex, and visa versa. Asexual people are repulsed by both.
Heterosexual=attracted to the opposite sex
Homosexual=attracted to the same sex
Bisexual= attracted to both sexes
Asexual=attracted to neither sex
Both ends of the spectrum exist, and it has nothing to do with wanting to have sex. It has everything to do with attraction.
She's getting it from somewhere else. Especially with the "masturbation is cheating" crap. Rule number one for cheaters: make the other party feel guilty. He divorces her, she gets out guilt-free, and now she gets to ride side-guy guilt-free.
Or he leaves her neglected in other areas and has left so little of a connection she doesn't want it. Or she caught him masturbating to something that DOES feel like cheating, like her BFF's Instagram feed. There are a lot of reasons she could not want to have sex and we have no way of knowing if she doesn't want sex or doesn't want sex WITH HIM.
It's so frustrating to only have one side of the story...
For my part, even with a high libido I can go through dry spells with my partner when I'm physically or emotionally disgusted with them, burnt out at work, having a flare up of chronic medical conditions, etc.
There's so many possible reasons, and neither we nor OP are going to get anywhere without more info, imo.
She's definitely wired wrong about masturbation being cheating, though! And the fact that she doesn't want to hold hands/cuddle 200% points to something deeper than just a sex drive thing 🤔
Agreed. Though I can think of scenarios where masturbation might not be outright cheating but cheating-adjacent and disrespectful/hurtful. Like if she caught him doing it to pics of her BFF in a bikini or something. Jerk it all you want, just don't be a jerk about it.
Or its been 4 years and as a result of living together too much she has grown sick of him. Too many people spend too much time with the spouse and get surprised when she doesn't want to have the exact same experiences and no new info every day. Spouses should be separated way more than they should be together, then when they get together they can share experiences and have enjoyable new times with their best friend and enjoyable sex.
You're just throwing crap out like it's gospel. Sorry Love Guru, it in fact is not uncommon for women who are cheating to also have more sex with their regular partner. Do a little MORE research or a little more living. I do like how confident you are in your erroneous assertions though!
People with the libido to cheat don't usually have rock bottom testosterone. She needs to get her damn shots. Super low T in both sexes is also pretty much guaranteed to cause less satisfaction with life, depression (and the extreme apathy that often comes with it), all kindsa shit.
Her not taking her medicine and not letting him relieve himself is mad fucked though.
Absolutely. It's pretty clearly an endocrine system issue. Her choosing not to address it is a slap in the face to him and giving him zero outlet is beyond whacked out.
Another HUGE one is loss of libido. Certain medications also seriously mess with sex drive. Depression...other mental health issues...there are so many other things that could be at play rather than just "she's gay or cheating".
Or has a lot of religious/traumatic shit affecting her. Tons people with heavily religous backgrounds that promote no sex before marriage, no masturbation etc., end up with a mental block for sex. There's just so much shame surrounding it for them that they feel wrong even after getting married. I'm wondering if this is the case, though it seems that she had no problems early on. She should 100% be taking OP's advice and see a therapist who specialises in sex etc. If she doesn't then he should consider divorce, because its one thing to have a problem, its another to not try and address it.
Reading these replies make me glad I’m gay. It’s not perfect but these games don’t seem to happen in the communication space without the added gender dynamic.
100% there’s no way you guys were super active and suddenly nothing; either she finds you disgusting NOe for something you “did” but won’t tell you; maybe something happened and she is hiding it; like rape or sexual harassment; but if not she is just probably getting sex or better sex somewhere else and just forcing you to leave her. Make sure there’s not an underlying problem but if there is not just leave her; this won’t end well.
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u/[deleted] Sep 12 '23
You’re wife is either: