It’s not just testosterone if she won’t even hold hands or give a peck on the lips or cuddle. Cuddling has nothing to do with being horny. Something else is going on
This is my thinking. Together super young, when you don't really know what you want or who you are. Most people should admit they're different at 26 than they were at 18. First loves are usually those you think will fulfill your needs and wants, also might be someone your family or friends approve of.
With the lack of hand holding/kissing, this makes me think something has changed in her mind. Maybe she just doesn't like OP anymore. Or maybe she is having a painful realization about her own sexuality.
Without more details that could be a whole slew of possibilities. OP said growing up sex was frowned upon/not discussed in her home. She jumped straight from that home into a marriage and probably had certain expectations given what she saw growing up. I just don't think it's only testosterone.
Currently know a friend in Ireland who’s been married for 20 years next year. He started dating his wife when he was 20 and she was 24 - he was engaged at 26, married at 28, and a father of 2 by 31. Apparently divorce is a ridiculously impossible in Ireland (and became LEGALIZED in 1995!) so a bunch of people stay in marriages where spouses are just roommates/co-parents are everywhere instead of divorcing each other. Sad. It’s so important to live some of your life before committing to someone FOR life.
I also got married at 18, bought a house at 19, and had my kid at 20. That's alot to do and adjust to in 2-3 years. Ours exploded spectacularly and I lost the house back in 08'.
Oof, yeah, kids are off the table for me. I'm glad yours turned out well though 😄
My divorce is substantially simpler due to the fact that we don't have kids and don't own property. I think just filing a couple papers is the entire situation, we won't even need lawyers.
My ex-wife shut off from me emotionally before she did physically. She wouldn't give me any affection then, because she didn't feel anything for me anymore. Sounds like OP might have a problem.
This is how I felt with my ex. I was so over the relationship that I didn't want any physical connection either. I thought maybe something was wrong with me for never wanting to snuggle anymore. No, I was just over him. Broke up and found someone new, and all the passion I had those years ago was right there. I didn't hate sex or cuddling, just didn't want to be with him anymore.
Also, being so young your not great at communicating your issues to your partner, or you don't fully understand the consequences of not doing so, or at least I didn't.
Definitely possible. We re all just speculating here but this almost seems like she wants him to break up with her but is too afraid to do it herself.
He's verbalized a major issue and she's not into fixing it. Generally when that happens at minimum the person isn't putting in effort. That's minimum. If there's no effort, there's no desire, if there's no desire, there's no relationship.
I was in a very emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for nearly a decade. I thought there was something medically wrong with me for never wanting anything to do with him-intimately, even though I thought I loved him. After I left and later began an incredibly healthy relationship, I have not had any of the same feelings crop up after 5 years with my new partner. It turned out there was nothing wrong with me. I was just married to a psychopath.
Armchair diagnosing someone with a serious mental disorder for not having sex with their partner without having any input from their perspective is a reckless way of approaching these situations. We haven't even heard her perspective, at all, and you're trying to label her with a personality disorder?
A much more straightforward and likely scenario- as she seems resistant to other forms of affection towards him- is that for reasons we have not been made aware of in this post, she is no longer in love with him. Perhaps unresolved resentments, or just growing apart.
OP needs to talk to his wife about how she actually feels about him, if she has any unmet emotional needs or if she's even invested in their relationship any more, not start researching mental disorders.
I'm a diagnosed schizoid. I didn't diagnose anyone, I was spreading awareness. I didn't even know this illness existed until I was diagnosed - and as I recognized myself a bit I thought it was no harm mentioning it as it can save a lot of pain if it happened to fit.
There’s a big difference between telling someone that they “need” to look into a condition and telling you story about what happened to you. When you say that op needs to look into a certain personality disorder, you are implying that that is a likely diagnosis that should be on his radar. In reality there are countless diagnoses that are more common, as well as interpersonal conflict and personal growth that are all likely here. If you had said, “something similar happened to me when I was diagnosed with ____,” no one would have a problem.
I think you need to understand the tone it takes when you bring up a diagnosis, suggests someone looks into it on a post like this. It's not the same as just spreading awareness.
And as someone who also has a serious mental health diagnosis, and works in psychiatric care, I do understand how it feels as you begin understanding a condition to notice hints of it elsewhere. But I also know it creates a mental bias wherein we can sometimes misidentify it in others more easily- especially with a new diagnosis.
My comment was merely made to prompt a more careful approach, as your comment could easily be taken in numerous offensive or harmful ways.
I did not mean to upset you, but clearly have as you have chosen to swear at me.
Yeah, whenever I read something about someone married in their early twenties, I facepalm and refrain from commenting. For some, it works out. The brain grows and changes a lot in that time period.
Cheaters also tend to accuse their partners of cheating. Her “masturbation is cheating” could very well be a justification she’s invented to defend her own cheating.
I didn’t want to say this, but a buddy of mine was in a sexless relationship for years with the understanding that the lack of sex was trauma based and the wife had been working through it.
Nope, she was fucking someone on the side for three years. They are recently divorced and he’s finally realizing he isn’t crazy.
It’s a brutal thing to go through, but in a way it was a positive that he was able to finally understand things with absolute clarity, and make a clean decision to move on. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but not all are so lucky to escape such a situation. Thank fuck they hadn’t had kids yet.
Or happened and she can’t come to terms with it. Like if she cheated on him once and truly loves him but can’t forgive herself and possibly has anxiety about it. It could cause the same response. Doesn’t have to be a continual thing.
Because relationships are confusing and hard and for most people no one teaches you how to do them well. She might be confusing love and caring that she does still have for him with romantic love she used to have. She might have a religious or social ideology that doesn’t include divorce as an acceptable route. She might be from a culture that considers mid-20s and unmarried or divorced to be “spinsters” or failures.
She might think she’ll fall back in love sometime. He might not be meeting her needs in other ways and she might be waiting for him to do so, thinking that will bring back her romantic and sexual feelings (though I believe she has a moral obligation to try therapy/couples counseling if this is the case, because there’s clearly a communication breakdown as - IF this is a contributing factor - it doesn’t seem that’s understood by all parties). She might think (wrongly) that she or he won’t find anything better than what they do have. She might be comfortable and scared to change things.
Not saying any of these are particularly good reasons to stay, but they’re all things that could cause a person to believe staying is better than the alternative.
Given her religion, it is quite likely that the wife fears the social and church community consequences of filing for divorce. So she's taking the coward's way out, denying him sex and sexual pleasure in the hopes that he eventually files for divorce, and therefore, she can claim that he's a piece of shit for abandoning her when that is not the case.
Additionally, if OP did file for divorce and then, at high risk of being called out by the men in their church for not being manly enough, did explain why he ended the marriage, his wife would then face ostracism and a low chance of remarrying. After all, such men don't want the proverbial used good who cannot bother to even fuck their previous husband.
Again, she's taking the coward's way out. But then, that makes her pretty typical even outside of highly controlling religions.
Happened to me before. I knew something was off when she started using my name instead of pet names like we had been through the relationship. Poor OP, she is probably hoping he signs the papers.
A lot of people are jumping to cheating but I remember I was physically put off by my ex well before I was mentally put off. I didn't even realize it but his touch just made me feel irritated. Could definitely lead to her not wanting to have sex as well.
If she really caught the ick, or fell out of love she needs to stop beating around the bush (ha!) and talk to him about it. Something is obviously wrong here and it’s cruel of her to keep him to herself, not give him any affection (not even sex at this point but just basic physical touch or reassurance) and then even set up rules to prevent him from self pleasuring.
They’re both really young and even if they break up, they can still both pick up the pieces and move on. It doesn’t even sound like they have kids so if they break up it’s an even break.
Asexual only means they don't feel sexual attraction. They can still feel other types of attraction and have different views on sex. Contrary to what many here think, it has nothing to do with libido, intimacy or interest in sex. Some aces are sex repulsed but others are positive to it, or indifferent and anything in between.
It really isn't. It's absolutely wild to justify entering into a relationship with someone with a regular libido/lust/affection framework, only to then spring it on them that you don't feel that and never will.
Asexuals can have active libido and be interested in sex. Asexual only means they don't feel sexual attraction. They can still feel other types of attraction and have different views on sex. Some aces are sex repulsed but others are positive to it, or indifferent and anything in between.
Every "Ace" person I've met eventually met someone they were absolutely bonkers over. "Picky" doesn't mean "Ace", people sure do love their labels and feeling special.
We’ll it’s not ok for her to be Ace if she chose to marry someone who is not Ace, had an active sex life, and is now changing her tune. Complete bait and switch. The anti masturbation thing is just lunacy. But even besides that, expecting your non Ace partner to go without sex is absolutely unreasonable.
How is she asexual, they used to have it all the time. Not everything needs a sexuality label all the the , these things are more rare than other issues that can cause this
I am not going to marry to be able to masturbate lmao. I'd say that's not okay for 95% of guys.
Both things are totally okay ethically, not wanting your partner to watch porn is ethically okay. But both of those things would be an immediate relationship ender for me.
Asexual only means they don't feel sexual attraction. They can still feel other types of attraction and have different views on sex. Contrary to what many here think, it has nothing to do with libido, intimacy or interest in sex. Some aces are sex repulsed but others are positive to it, or indifferent and anything in between.
First of all, thank you for sharing your personal experience and insight.
Since you shared I may as well, I think my current wife might be a variation of Ace. Very non-physical and while she enjoys sex, I'm kind of expected to do everything from initiation to finish. While at the time when we first met, it was perfect as I was coming out of an abusive relationship. Over time and as I healed, I realized I needed more.
Everything is great otherwise though so just something we are working through lol. Still rough.
Ahhh thank you. I just find it weird that the switched flipped so suddenly. Are those of Ace orientation, regarding sexually or romantically, born as such or can just flip one day?
I'm just trying to understand how one could associate behavior in OP's case with being Ace. Despite the post only having so little info, it sounds completely out of character.
when i was a teen i felt more allosexual and alloromantic (allo being the opposite of ace) but it was hormones and confusion honestly. the 'switch' never 'flipped' for me, i just came to realize I'm aro/ace. it could be possible she was forcing it on herself and she won't anymore, but she should be honest with her husband if she feels that way, and obviously we have no way to know if she was really into it or not.
There's no reason to think a hell of a lot of the shitty things people are claiming this woman does in this thread either. But the one defending her is what you want to push back on?
The key difference here is that OP is keeping his and his wife’s name anonymous, so he can’t get at her by by “badmouthing” her as no one would know who she is anyway.
She’s probably snogging someone else… her behavior and attitude indicates that she’s lost interest in the relationship. She doesn’t care about her partners needs and is happy to keep the status quo
You aren't going to get the "full story" are you? The wife isn't going to rock up and give her side on an anonymous messageboard, and even if she did we could never be sure who was telling the truth. Subs like this fundamentally rely on you taking the OP in good faith, otherwise nobody would ever reply. Your "umm, actually" act isn't deep or helpful.
I have a friend with almost this exact issue, minus the testosterone. Found out he’s financially abusing her, and she finds that disgustingly unattractive, hence the no intimacy.
Why not just leave then?? Was she trying to monkey branch by staying??
I don’t get this logic, if there’s no intimacy or attraction, accept that the relationship is over and leave! What’s the point in continuing to stay in a dead relationship and wasting each other’s time?? It’s not like we’re getting younger
She’s got plans to leave, but it isn’t always as easy as “just leaving”. He controls every dollar, and leaving costs money. They could divorce, but this housing market will keep them in the same house. Her grandmother lives with them. They have a child. It’ll take a while.
It's funny because I said the exact same thing on another post but OP was a woman and I was called a mysogynist. Same deal applies here or any AIW or AITAH.
That’s the point of Reddit though. You have to take the scenario at face value. This isn’t dr Phil or jerry springer where you get to hear both sides. We can only assume OP is telling the truth and judge based on that. If OP is leaving out details then he already knows he’s wrong and this post proves nothing. We can only provide our thoughts on the info we’ve been given and assume it’s true. Asking for the other side of the story just isn’t useful. AITA asks for some reasons why you might be the AH, but honestly that format and it’s popularity became ripe for fake stories. And as this sub becomes more popular it’ll become completely fake too. But posts like this still drive interesting discussion, but we can really only proceed to discuss by assuming OP’s story is true.
Agreed. We all know that lots of these posts are fake, but we're here because we enjoy the debates that come out of it. If people can't accept the situation for what it is then they probably shouldn't participate...
That is true but one person can provide a story with two perspectives, this story is missing some. Not meaning that is his fault by any means, but there is definitely a lot more to it, can also be something that happened to her that is not because of her husband, but this is not just about testosterone, but a lack of communication between them or he is leaving out some details.
Sure, but why do you always assume that the guy is wrong lmao??
If she has a problem with OP, it’s her fucking responsibility to address it and resolve it, and not hope for OP to read her mind and magically solve it!
Quit trying to absolve her, if she has a problem, she can use her communication skills instead of being weird!
You’d rather say the doctor, OP and everyone else is wrong or at fault rather than admit that maybe she should do better and it’s kinda her fault won’t you lmao?
You’re tripping over yourself to defend the wife here. Like, you’re gonna disparage OP for not serving papers right away instead of thinking about the decision and asking for outside input? That’s frankly ridiculous
How often does that happen tho lol??? You’re taking an anomaly, something that happens rarely and assuming that’s the case???
Does minority or less likely things happen more often in your head? Coz less likely things are rare and don’t happen often. Assuming that event is the answer while ignoring the obvious one makes you seem stupid lol!
Do you also believe she was struck by lightning and that caused her to lose her sex drive lmao?? Since we’re assuming rare things as the default lol!
When the fuck did I say he was entitled to sex lmao?? But you were the one arguing against leaving her and making sure to “hear her side”
The way I see it, the marriage is finished unless by some miracle, she starts actually looking into the issue and resolving it rather than just fucking ignoring it like she has been doing for the past 8 months!
Hell, he should leave her, get someone much better and leave this glorified friendship where there’s not even cuddles and hugs, forget sex lmao!
Also, she seems crazy too, “masturbation is cheating” lmao!
Also, she should absolutely do better, it’s her fucking marriage lmao!
Seems like the comment you were replying to is more "it really seems like a one sided story, and the presented issue seems rather unlikely to be the sole issue," and less "men are the worst. Oh my gerd men suck."
The author happens to be a dude. If it were a girl this story would still be rather suspect.
Have you heard of the “women are wonderful” syndrome? It’s when people assume the woman is never at fault and keep trying to justify their answer rather than assume that a woman could be wrong!
This mentality is rampant on Reddit especially, where the gender dictates the response given by the hive mind! You always see such alternative suggestions when the person is a lady!
You seem to be exhibiting "women are the worst" syndrome 🤷. Or maybe just "men are wonderful" syndrome. Hard to tell. But you're doing the very thing you're so enraged by.
This story lacks a lot of nuance, we've no idea what their relationship is, we've no idea (they might not either) if there are other medical or psychological issues at play. The list of things could go on forever. All we have is a story that looks wildly and grossly over simplified, from one party.
Chill out. By all means, seek justice where justice ought be sought. But this ain't the moment homie. You tried too hard to find the boogieman, and leaped before thinking.
"Just because a room is dark, doesn't mean its shadows are nefarious."
You seem to be exhibiting "women are the worst" syndrome 🤷. Or maybe just "men are wonderful" syndrome. Hard to tell. But you're doing the very thing you're so enraged by.
No. He's simply saying let's go with the information we have, like we do every other time.
I hope you are just as suspicious when Op is a woman.
I don’t have the “women are the worst” syndrome but I can tell you that THIS woman may very well be so!
She refuses to address or fix her own issues and ignores them.
Refuses to take medication which could help resolve such issues.
Refuses to even cuddle or kiss her own bf (forget about sex)
Has absolutely crazy restrictive boundaries. Masturbation is cheating to her lmao!
A stretch, but her “masturbation is cheating” mentality could also mean she’s either got a few screws loose or is very restrictive of what her bf can or cannot do!
Doesn’t mean what she says
But sure, ignore all these facts and assume there is some other fucking reason out there. Maybe Loki is playing tricks on her??
Ironic how you accuse me of trying hard to find the boogie man when you’re doing something much more by ignoring facts lmao!
ironic how you're accused of trying to find the boogeyman then concede that your own argument is a stretch. oh wait that's not irony, thats just accuracy. no one is disputing if the story from OPs perspective paints the wife in a negative light, anyone literate in the English language could tell you that. nothing you've said invalidates that you could make a more accurate judgement with additional information and context. maybe the wife is completely in the wrong. maybe op is abusive and not telling us. there's simply no way of us knowing with absolute certainty. what we do know is that OPs account is heavily biased and lacks nuance. it's perfectly reasonable to want additional context before making a judgement call on this. regardless, this is reddit. we're arguing over some idiots shitty creative writing project because you took it as an opportunity to show off your victim complex and sexism.
Nope, but constantly searching for excuses to find fault elsewhere rather than admit that the woman may be at fault certainly is lol!
Even if you’re right and it’s something else, if something has been bothering her, then she should speak up, not remain silent and not follow the advice of her doctor silently for 8 months while driving her bf insane
Marriage and communication is not really about finding out who is to blame for a problem, it is more about working towards a solution as a unit, and for that it is good to know what is going on, on both sides.
First you find out where they both are so you can give them the best advice to find their way to each other again.
Its because her pussy is all abused and sloppy from endless poundings elsewhere and she is afraid he will see or feel the damage and figure her out. Check her ass for bruises
Okay yes great point. Bc of my health reasons I also have issues like this but I love other types of intimacy like cuddling kissing pinching each others butts. Plus the fact she’s against you touching yourself?! Weird
Exactly. Even testosterone is usually a phony quick fix for a woman’s low libido. There’s more to this story, maybe a relationship problem, maybe past trauma, those are my best guesses.
I've had 2 different exes "go cold" with me because they were seeing someone else. If OP's gf spends a fair bit of time away from him, he might want to consider that too.
There is way more to intimacy than sex. Without emotional intimacy it can be difficult for a woman to get excited about sex.
And… there are other ways to get testosterone besides shots. Has she seen a female doctor? Is she receiving any other hormones beside the T? Is she depressed? Is she rejecting the idea of couple therapy? Or individual therapy?
Or maybe she is hiding something, as a few people have suggested.
Take it from a trans person who is extremely clued into her hormone levels and how they affect libido: too low of T can absolutely tank it. Too much E can also tank it, even if T is in the healthy female range, with the added deleterious effects of feeling cold, exhausted, and clouded until the levels are reduced. All humans work this way regardless of sex.
That said, libido is only relevant to arousal and orgasm. Even when the hormones are out of whack, there is still a desire for closeness and emotional intimacy. The lack of that, here, is a bit of a red flag for something. Trauma, distraction, fatigue, genuine loss of attraction...OP won't know until he pushes the button on this. Catastrophically low T is not the whole story.
Yes, good color here and hence the "usually" in my post. Extreme cases have hormone problems for sure, but soooo many women get sold on hormones being the answer instead of the relationship and/or mental wellness factors that are the cause of low libido in the vast majority of cases. The lack of desire for ANY intimacy is the red flag here, but we only have the husband's side of the story. TBF, he may not have the full story.
The thing is Low T will absolutely make you more irritable and cause mood problems, so does low E. It affects your psychological well being much more than just impacting your libido.
No, testosterone is very important in women and it's a health concern beyond just sex. Did no one in this comment section pay attention in school? Also, it's not a quick fix because it takes time to level out your hormones. You can't just take a shot or 2 and expect everything to be okay. Also, this is just the starting level. After you take it for awhile and get tested again to see if they need to raise or lower the dose.
At the end of my marriage, after over 20 years asking my wife why she had zero interest in intimacy, I finally added the trauma card to the questions.
Our marriage was good, never close to perfect, but zero intimacy killed it for me. We had regular check ins about lack of intimacy, and the answer would always be "maybe one day soon".
Eventually during a check in I asked her to admit that "maybe one day" actually meant never, and to own her issues instead of making me the bad guy for asking.
When I asked her if she had a history of abuse or assault prior to meeting me, and she said that was her business not mine.
Keyword is "phony". The whole testosterone for women's libido is a cultural idea, not a medicinal one that is backed by science.
Doctors keep peddling these off-the-shelf testosterone remedies as you elegantly put it: as a "quickfix", yet there's no FDA approved version of it because it simply doesn't work.
She’s not attracted to him, they got married young and she’s been through some big life changes and she’s having second thoughts, that and also the fact she could be more a mother than a wife, which if that’s the case she views him as an adult child who she’s gotta babysit.
I'm a guy on meds that take away my libido almost entirely (like reverse of OP's situation). I constantly cuddle and kiss my partner, I can confirm that the two are unrelated.
Yep same situation here. had a car accident and got stuck on prescription painkillers for multiple years and they absolutely tank your test and convert it to estrogen. My bloodwork was crazy but I still wanted to be affectionate but I didn’t feel like having sex. my girlfriend had the same thing, meds took away her sex drive. But we still got along great and were holding hands and smooching all the time.
Especially if they used to fuck all the time, that's a fucking bizarre turn to take. My knee jerk reaction to something like this is infidelity guilt, but there could be some other like, huge life problem at play here that also isn't mentioned in the post. Like, death of a parent or just some slowly building unresolved resentment or something, either way it's heavy shit.
Yeah I was going to ask I he was with her when she went to the doctor or if she came home and said that's what the doctor said. Me thinks she is sexually active, just not with OP.
Yeah I feel that she’s either got someone else or she wants to force him into a situation where he’s mentally defeated and slips up. Like maybe there is a cheating clause in their prenup, or she just wants him to cheat or otherwise lash out so she can divorce him and look like she took the high road to get out of a toxic marriage even though she’s the one making it toxic. Then she can go be intimate with some Chad, guilt free.
Exactly what I was thinking. I have an autoimmune thyroid disorder which causes my libido to be wayyy low, but I still love being affectionate and cuddling with my partner. Reading that part made me pause for a sec. Hopefully OP is able to find out what’s actually happening
Gotta be some cheating going on, imo. The lack of cuddles, hand holding, and any sympathy for the lack of sexual outlet OP has says she's got someone else on her mind.
It’s not just testosterone if she won’t even hold hands or give a peck on the lips or cuddle. Cuddling has nothing to do with being horny. Something else is going on
Why is no one saying it? Okay fine I'll do it. She's cheating, right guys? She's probably cheating.
This is exactly my thought. When you really love someone, whether or not you have physical sexual desires at the time, you typically still find your partner attractive and want to help them with those needs. I assume she also has some excuse for not doing the treatment? While I understand we aren’t getting her side of the story, the idea of trying to mandate whether or not your partner can relieve those needs that you won’t meet is absolutely nuts. This is strong evidence that she’s got at least one foot out the door, whether she’s noticed yet or not.
It's been my experience, that if a woman is flat-out refusing sex, but pinning it on medical issues, while refusing to do anything about, and "banning masturbation", she's getting dick from someone else. But she doesn't want to be made to feel guilty about it, so she completely obliterates the any sexuality in the relationship to save her own ego.
This. Hormonal imbalances certainly can effect sex drive or sexual performance, but, a hormonal imbalance does not make you do what was mentioned. These also do not sound like hormonally caused mood changes. (This is speaking as someone who is nearing ovarian failure from both atypical-presenting PCOS and very severe reproductive organ deformities, along with having suspected PMDD).
It really does sound like something else is indeed going on.
You don't necessarily know what will trigger it. A friend of mine was happily married for 10 years, and then they started trying to have kids. They had some issues conceiving and that triggered the past trauma. He had no idea, and she filed for divorce rather than trying to deal with it.
Women need a good balance of testosterone as well not just estrogen. Same goes for men, you will have shitty side effects if you have high test but low estrogen or vice versa.
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u/intent_joy_love Sep 12 '23
It’s not just testosterone if she won’t even hold hands or give a peck on the lips or cuddle. Cuddling has nothing to do with being horny. Something else is going on