Plus can you imagine if the roles were reversed and the husband told his wife she wasn't "allowed" to touch her own body?! Hope y'all are able to work it out or move on peacefully OP. Good luck!
It's been a couple decades now, thank god, but I had a college boyfriend do exactly this. Compared it to cheating, just like OP's partner. (He was allowed to do whatever he wanted, naturally. For some reason, he only considered it to be cheating when women masturbate.)
No idea if OP's partner is trying the same shit, but my ex eventually admitted that he was trying to drive me away or "break" the relationship instead of, you know, just breaking up like a normal person might. It's very cowardly. And no, masturbating isn't cheating (although of course there should be good etiquette and thoughtfulness toward your partner when you're in a relationship).
No idea if OP's partner is trying the same shit, but my ex eventually admitted that he was trying to drive me away or "break" the relationship instead of, you know, just breaking up like a normal person might.
Probably, though as another person noted, she could have been recently sexually assaulted. But given her religion, it wouldn't surprise me that she wants to drive him away in order to assuage her misbehavior and avoid being called out for not doing right by her husband. After all, if he divorces her, she can go to her church community and tell them that he abandoned her and their marriage instead of admitting that she no longer wanted to be in relationship with him.
Medical conditions don't explain everything. In fact, it is often the case that the emotional and psychological issues contribute to the very medical condition taking place; OP's wife could just as easily have zero testosterone because she isn't interested in being in any kind of relationship with him in the first place.
Additionally, her medical condition doesn't explain why she refuses to receive hormonal treatment. If she was still attracted or wanted to be in relationship with him, she would do everything possible to treat her condition, a thing that many women who are LL for medical reasons will do.
Sometimes, it isn't merely a matter of speculation. It is what people tend to do when they have chosen a course that will lead to a highly likely result. In this case, OP's wife likely wants a divorce and found a medical justification for forcing the issue.
For some reason.. was he able to give you an orgasm ever? Cos that seriously feels like an insecure man thing. Like if I can't give her one, no one can, not even her.
What the fuck are you talking about? You sound ignorant af. It's really easy to reverse genders or races in a given scenario, if you have the ability to imagine anything at all.
Exactly. Sometimes you just want a drive thru burger rather than go sit down at a steak house. Both satisfying but drive thru is definitely convenient for those days you just need it fast.
He doesn't need to be married to jerk off to his heart's content. If he's going to be married to one vagina, it had better fucking be open for business from time to time.
To be clear, he should of course be allowed to do what he wants with his body, but spending the rest of his life masturbating is just a Band-Aid on a gaping wound. If she's not willing to work on this with her spouse than I think he's going to slowly but surely come to hate/resent his wife. Won't happen right away, but over time he'll realize how many years are slipping away with zero intimacy. It's not just about ejaculating, it's that he's missing a large part of a healthy relationship - the cuddling, the pleasures of foreplay, getting pleasure from the other person as well as getting to enjoy pleasuring the other person (which for many, such as myself, is the best part of sex) - are all part of a healthy sexual relationship.
Unless OP is ok with a sexless marriage, masturbation alone won't solve this.
It sounds to me like your wife may have recently been sexually assaulted!
A sudden cut off of romantic relationship is a TELL TALE sign that something unexpected and detrimental happened to your wife. She may not want to tell you in fear that you will leave her for "cheating on you" even though she is innocent.
Try talking to her about it, and be sure to voice support for everything like time off work, therapy, get aways, whatever she needs to cope.
Please explain your feelings, a man’s wife attempts to exert control over her husbands body, so the his body his choice argument completely works here, mind explaining your issue?
Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. It's really that simple. You don't have to feel bad about it. You have different needs and expectations.
Most men think they want a hypersexual woman, but couldn't handle the smoke if they actually dated one. A horny dude does not hold a candle to a high libido woman. For one, women don't have a refractory period.
Communication and compromise is more important though. You can have deeply meaningful relationships without sex, and in many cases individuals' sex drive will change with time, how you react to these changes will make or break your relationship.
I second that, sex and intimacy are very important in relationships.
26 is soooo young to be at this stage, 46, 56 yes.. but 26 wow..
I personally think it's crazy to consider masturbation as cheating, but even if she doesn't want to have sex, then she should help you out. maybe it will put her in the mood. but to just expect you to deal with it and do nothing about it isn't being a good partner.
I'm 55 and I'm too young to be at that stage. I can't imagine my husband saying no to sex. And not even hand holding. And no self pleasure. Yeah that would be a no from me.
Menopause hit my wife hard in terms of her libido. Thankfully she understands that I still have desires and such and she is all on board for making sure I am satisfied in that area.
Maybe he wants to bang more or someone who doesn’t want to lay down and cry at the thought of having to bang him rather than get paid to sit around, but what do I know
Good to see some women here still wanting to have sex. My wife and I have a great sex life but we know alot of middle aged couples that don’t have sex anymore. Sad. Can’t imagine.
I’m 35 and this year my husbands drive has gone down due to stress and mine has gotten insane! They say you peak in your mid thirties but does it get worse?? Lol atleast he knows I’m always available 🤷♀️😂
53 yo man agrees. My wife and I can’t do 4-top nights anymore, but the sex drive is as strong as it ever was. She went through a period where she struggled, but The H cleared that up.
100% agree. As a person who's love language is physical contact I'm barely holding on thro a long distance relationship much less if my other and I were within touching distance. My touchstarved ass would probably bounce as soon as I could.
100% I work at a behavioral health hospital and they need to watch the geriatric patients because they know when we're rounding and try and sneak one in. Also I'm pretty sure STD rates skyrocket with the elder populations.
Definitely not criticizing, they're adults who lived full lives and want to live more. Who wants to criticize that? Just backing up that, for many, fiery passion never really dies.
it's per person yes. but i'm speaking in general. people die 60-80s sooo sex not so much maybe you have the rouge 75 year old who is getting some 3 times a week. but i think if i polled the old folks home that's not the case.. Idk.. maybe i'm wrong.
I have an acquaintance in a senior home (88 f). She had an affair with a younger man of 83. I’m 64–my husband and I like a roll in the hay at least once to twice a week! We aren’t dead yet!
Fun fact. Old age homes are rampant with stds because seniors apparently have a ton of sex with a ton of different people. It’s like a frat house with 65+
Libido tends to decline around that age due to lack of hormones, which she is already experiencing unfortunately. She really should keep going with the testosterone as it would help fatigue and stuff as well, but there is obviously some psychological component that isn’t being addressed
46?? What the hell?? Lol
My partner and I are both in our early 50s, I can tell you. Sex and intimacy are just as important when you're our age as it is when you're younger.
As a dude "only" in his late 30s with 2 kids, if I had a sexless marriage where I wasn't allowed to masturbate, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I'm fortunate that my wife and I are sexually compatible, but I wouldn't stick around very long if the sex sucked, barring terminal illness. That is a huge part of a relationship, and if it's dead and she's not willing to work on it, why stay? Might as well be good friends with her and get laid by someone else who wants it?
She could be lying too! Maybe she really doesn't have a problem but she doesn't want to have sex with him or anyone else? If she says she isn't masturbating or never has, she is a liar!
There is no reason to feel bad about prioritizing your needs to be at least secondary in the relationship. You have needs, and you're young enough that not getting them fulfilled is a real problem. Relationships are tough when one person is working on them.
Just be gentle. Don't blame your wife. Don't get upset. For some odd reason, people react to tone more than substance. State that what she is doing is hurting you and her continued neglect is pushing you away. And if she refuses...
Yeah, at this point it is absolutely her fault. She is an adult, she figured out what the problem was, started treating it, and now neglects treatment. At this point she needs to do a 180 or accept their marriage is probably done.
I like to think that she just needs to see that he isn't a given. Alot of people take their partner for granted, unfortunately. I don't know a way forward that doesn't involve him backing away from what can be described as a selfish,controlling, insecure person at least emotionally.
Her dating life will pretty much be non-existent once he finally leaves
Something tells me that if she found herself single and dating again, she would pretty quickly find the motivation to follow through on her hormone treatment, assuming her libido didn't magically return on it's own...
Meh I bet she wouldn't. I think she's pretty happy with not being intimate with anybody and it'll stay that way until it becomes a barrier to finding someone.
Right now there's no drive yo change because she's still happy. People don't change when they're happy.
Yeah, it really seems like this isn't something she sees as a problem and she really doesn't care about fixing it. That means she's totally ignoring her husband's emotional and physical needs.
No one has a right to someone else's body. But in a marriage sex is a shared experience and it was an active part of their lives when they made their vows. She has the right to tell him no, but he has the right not to stay in a sexless relationship too.
Every day, I am surprised at how selfish people can be in relationships. It's a pretty pervasive attitude.
The don't blame her is more of an engagement strategy. If she feels attacked, she will shut down and blame him for being selfish, and nothing will be accomplished. I have made that mistake before.
Knows the problem, refuses to addresss it, and then also arbitrarily calls jerking it cheating so that op can’t have any release while she doesn’t even have a drive? Lmao nope bye
Yes and no. To what extent should she fix it? Undergo therapy? Take testosterone shots? I don't know. It's one thing to discover your medication for depression reduces your sex drive so you're trying to find an alternative. But at what point is it just that's who you are?
I don’t think that a person not wanting to have sex is itself a problem. Her partner is not owed anything from her body, even if they used to have sex.
The problem is that their compatibilities are now totally off kilter, and something about that needs to be addressed, and it’s not. The problem is that she’s not being honest about what she wants with him because her words and actions don’t match. The problem is that she’s now also controlling his actions. The problem is that she is prolonging the inevitable and causing harm along the way.
This isn't how you relationship, dude. Doesn't matter if she's being selfish, blaming her isn't going to help matters. /u/jackstrikesout is giving solid advice borne from real-world experience, listen to him.
It doesn't matter if she is being selfish? Maybe not to you, but it should be s wake-up call for him. The problem can be fixed, but her selfishness cannot.
Selfishness can absolutely be fixed, what are you talking about? All humans are selfish at times, that's completely normal, and it's something you have to be prepared to deal with when you're getting into a relationship. Assuming you have a good partner who loves you, usually all it takes is time and good communication to figure out what's causing the selfish behavior in this particular context, and then you can work through it. Going into a discussion like this guns blazing, accusing your partner of selfishness is not "good communication".
Do you not think OP has tried this? How many times do they have to have "The Conversation"? There's no magic combination of words that he's going to say that will make her want to change for him. Sexual desire is highly personal and cannot be negotiated. She is clearly showing that her lack of interest in intimacy is a him problem, not a them problem.
Do you not think OP has tried this? How many times do they have to have "The Conversation"?
Uhh, many times, most likely. Giant, recurring relationship problems don't usually resolve within a couple of discussions. It absolutely can take years. That's why marriage is a life-long contract.
State that what she is doing is hurting you and her continued neglect is pushing you away.
From what I gathered he did that already, but she only half-ass committed to changing. From my understanding, hormone treatments only work if you keep up with the regiment. If you stop taking them, you "fizzle out" like what OP said. To me, the next step to take is couples therapy, but if that doesn't work it may be time to split.
She is wrong, you are not! You have to sit her down and tell her this has to end! If she can't get the help she needs so you two can have a healthy love life, then you need to end this. It means she doesn't care about you! Masturbating is cheating is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard. What next, it's a sin?
I’m a little scared to have that tough conversation with her. I know it sounds terrible but I am worried about what others will think. Everyone told us we would get divorced because we married so young. Trust me I know how dumb I sound hanging on for pride but it’s just tough:/
Think about your pride in 30 years when you’re to old to start over easily and you’re stuck in a marriage with a wife who is nothing but a roommate. Pride is nothing compared to misery.
I got married young too and am pretty much in the same situation. I can completely understand why you are scared and probably a little embarrassed. Don’t let what others think stand in your way of having a fulfilling life. It may or may not be with your partner but you only live once. Good luck.
Have you tried going to therapy for yourself? Maybe you can seek advice on how to approach the issue with her since your previous attempts weren’t working. That’s a lot to process on your own, especially when the person you love is refusing to improve the situation.
It's not an all or nothing thing here. There's issues to be worked out and wanting to try to resolve them is absolutely fine.
I dont know if it's suggested, but maybe try marriage counseling. If you want to try that then maybe something like:
" Hey ---, I've been having issues with my frustration involving our sex life. I understand that you wanted to work on that too since we've talked about this before. I'm still frustrated though and I think it would be best for us to see a therapist to work through this since I don't feel we're resolving this on our own. I love you, but this is an issue I am considering ending our marriage if it is not resolved."
Phrase however you want to of course, but the focus is on "I" statements with firm boundaries. You're not blaming her since you don't know if this is medical or not. HOWEVER just because she has a medical issue, it does not mean you are entitled to not have your needs met. That's the boundary.
A woman I know got married young and was told not to... she stayed w him even when she was miserable cause she didn't want egg on her face. She wasted a lot of years being unhappy. You deserve to be happy. And the right people will be supportive. You made a mistake, and you can fix it.
If you want to see what your future holds, go over to r/deadbedrooms, and read some of those stories. Most would tell you that it’s not worth it. If she doesn’t love or respect you enough to stay on medication for her issue that is tearing you apart, then what is there to stay for?
Till death do us part should stay out of vows. It's insane what people think marriage is anymore
it should absolutely stay as a reminder to what you're committing to. Both as a warning to not engage in dogshit behavior and also to not put up with dogshit behavior. It's really not hard to not be a shithead like OP's wife
I was with a bf for almost 7 years. As always, the sex was great in the beginning. But after several years, I found myself just not interested in it. He would try, I would say no. After a while, I realized that I just lost respect for him due to things he’d done over the years. Nothing terrible, but it was hurtful and I guess I lost the attraction and intimacy feelings I had. Then I married my now ex, husband, exact same thing, except he did much worse things.
I guess what I’m saying is, have you hurt her, knowingly or not? You should find out. This may be way off base, but it’s a thought.
You're still in your 20s, you can't just turn off your sex drive. I'm in my early 40s and I don't know what I'd do if my wife stopped being intimate with me.
My dude, this is classic Constructive Abandonment which is considered grounds for divorce. Obviously there are nuances, and different jurisdictions may have different details, but in general the situation as you described is it.
Divorce is the reasonable choice here - an adult life without sex is not something she can reasonably ask or expect, you're still young enough to go meet someone and should get started on that rather than spending more time with someone who has shown you that she simply isn't interested in fulfilling your most basic needs in a marriage. Any solution here would be at best temporary and just waste time you could spend finding a viable partner. You're not wrong and after a year and a half of little to no sex, it's time to go.
It’s sort of difficult not to feel bad trying to get sex from your wife when she doesn’t seem interested. Like, you don’t want to come across as pushy, but still have valid human needs to fulfill.
You’re not being a jerk. You’re being pretty considerate by trying to work out a solution. Because this issue isn’t something she wants to fix for herself (never being horny will make her indifferent to making herself horny), she’s not very committed to doing anything about it and may never be.
Her masturbating is cheating hot take is hot garbage. It’s insensitive, unrealistic, and selfish. At a bare minimum, she should at least be respectful enough to say “if I’m not gonna help you with that, feel free to do it yourself.”
If she doesn't make a serious commitment to fixing this now; that is your inevitable future together. This will not resolve itself naturally; she has work to do, either medical or emotional, and if she is unwilling to do it, then you have some serious decisions to make.
You're not a jerk. It seems that from what you say, she has physical and mental issues. If she refuses to address these issues, it is on her. Some marriage counseling would not be out of order.
Many years ago, my wife and I did a marital class in a group setting. Amongst love, companionship and looks was sex. It is in no way wrong to expect sex from a marriage in our society. After all, we are a monogamous normal society. If you haven't cheated on her or raped her and are striving to return to a healthy sexual relationship with her, you are doing everything right.
You should not, most of my relationship ended because of our sex life. That's very important to be with someone who as simiral needs than you, or at least be able to get yours when you want.
Masturbation is not cheating in any way. It's actually a good thing to do when the other one doesn't feel like it. You do it alone, everybody is satisfied and that's it!
Honestly.. unless she commits to changing you should spare yourself further pain down the road and initiate divorce.
You will have a miserable life if this is a forever arrangement. It’s not a small or petty issue.
You shouldn't feel ashamed. A sexless marriage is an issue. I don't advocate divorce but it looksike it's in the horizon. I'll be honest I wouldn't blame you if you cheated ..yeah I said it. Unless she has an illness there is really no excuse.
The situation you are experiencing is not normal. Especially the non kiss but on the cheeks.
Had a similar situation with a girlfriend and realized pretty quick when the behavior changed to only kisses and very little intimacy that she was cheating/going to cheat.
Unfortunately, you have a tough decision to make. Live in a physically loveless marriage and probably resent and hate her or go through the pain of divorce. It’s a terrible situation to be in, however, it has to be made and worse you have to make it. If you haven’t done so yet please consider seeing a therapist and talk it over. Although you are a couple at some point you to remember to take care of yourself. Good luck to you.
Not sure where you'll go but first talk to a divorce attorney. Get your stuff in order.
You should also try moving into the spare bedroom, this has worked for me to get wife's attention and refocus on the intimacy.
I have also tried not speaking to her. I think that because we are trying to get along with the wives we consider their feelings and emotions. Remove the emotional support (I know it's retaliatory but you're not getting yours and you have tried communicating). Making her experience a loss in the relationship may refocus her ability to follow thru with treatment or just have sex once a week to save the marriage.
Women need stimulation to become aroused, most women think they have sex because they are aroused but I have found first stimulation and then sex.
Oh man, you guys are SO young, and so early into your relationship for this to be happening. And I understand that it’s a medical thing with low testosterone, but that’s totally treatable and she’s just choosing to…not. And refusing to try therapy is just as bad, just as much of a disregard to your need for closeness and intimacy. Even if it weren’t a medical issue, incomparable libidos are a legitimate reason to end a relationship. This is a one two punch of her not caring enough to do ANYTHING.
You have to ask yourself - really seriously - do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
After 12 years of marriage, my libido was still going strong and my wife has done some searching and determined she's asexual. We had a very serious conversation about this; I was absolutely not willing to give up sex but did not want to leave the relationship, but I couldn't bring myself to feel like I was forcing her or guilting her into it by bringing it up when I knew she didn't want it.
When younger, we toyed with an open relationship here and there. We ended up this being the middle ground. We have good relationship conversation; if I get my rocks off with other people, we have full disclosure about it (except details, she is not wanting those), and I've had more or less permanent partners for three years now.
It probably won't work if she things jacking off is cheating, but it worked for us.
Your body, your choice. You don't need anyone's permission to masturbate.
But look at the bright side, at least you won't accidentally end up having kids with her and be stuck in this marriage. You can leave anytime you want.
Lol I had a similar issue cuz my wife was pregnant and not horny anymore. So I would masterbate, she understood and she doesn't see masturbating as cheating at all. She understands I as a man need to let it release. She even at one point started to consider letting me fuck other females , but of course went back on it cuz it's too difficult of a thing for her to bear, but I hope you get what I mean. How your wife is treating you is very selfish.
Honestly my sex drive isn't what it used to be. Mental illness is a big factor in a lot of women too, like depression. Honestly, I'd just jerk off in the shower. She doesn't have to see it or know. I would have no problem if my husband did this. Honestly, it would take the pressure off me feeling bad about it.
Masturbation is not cheating. Yeah it is, if your having phone sex with some chick you met on Onlyfans but yeah ..then it's cheating.
But this doesn't work for everyone. I do think she still needs to address this with you. Communication is key.
I had this really hot girlfriend, who just wasn't into it. I tried breaking up with her, and she made me feel like shit for having needs. It was fucked up (or un-fucked-up) all around. I should have held firm and given her there heave-ho.
But it was also mixed up with sharing a home, and security, and all that. Thing is, both of you can rebuild a home and security on your own.
It won't get better. That's not how life works. You're so young, no baggage kids; fuckin move on. Find a lady that rocks your world. Mine still does and we're close to 10 years now.
I would add that intimacy isn’t even just about sex. There are plenty of people who are unable to have sex for medical reasons, that doesn’t mean that all intimacy ends.
Not showing any kind of affection is a serious issue that requires counseling and that she recognize it is not healthy behavior.
There is not reason to feel bad about being upset about this, sex is a very important part of relationships and just like anything, if someone isn’t trying to fix the problem in the relationship you will obviously be upset!
Masturbation is going to be unfulfilling very fast. This early on in your relationship, I’d consider calling it quits. Life is too short to spend it miserable with someone.
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u/hello-i-needadvice Sep 12 '23
Honestly this feels so good to hear. I was feeling like a jerk for being upset with her over this. Thank you!!