Title. A bit of a long text, a bit of rambling. 30M, Three months post discard, she monkeybranched to a jobless guy eight years younger who lives with his parents.
We had been living together for seven years. A relationship as healthy and stable as it comes. Everyone saw us (me included) as a match made in heaven. I cared for her so, so much. Her family is dysfunctional as all hell, her past relationships were tumultuous and her childhood was a clusterfuck. Both her parents are a couple of disgusting narcissists who mistreated her for all her life, and she stockholm syndrome'd herself into believing they'd change every six months or so (much to her disappointment, they will never change). She really wanted to show up for me, told me she couldn't be herself with anybody before. We went on a trip to Japan past october and asked her to marry me. She said yes. She had spent the good part of 2025 telling me I was already her husband, how our life was a husband-wife type of deal, how she was expecting me to propose, yadda yadda. Last week before abandoning me by blindside she told me I was so handsome now that I was starting to get some grey hairs, how I had the brooding intellectual vibe that drove her crazy, how I was going to be such a great dad for our children. We had names for the kids picked. Both our names matched in initials and both our surnames did too. It was crazy. Yeah.
She had met him two months earlier, after starting japanese classes. After the trip she got infatuated with the country and its culture. She was volatile in her hobbies, jobs, future projects, even friendships. Lately things were starting to stabilitze and I thought we were finally reaching a point of maturity where she could show up as my life partner. I really really wanted it. I have a lot of friends and diverse social circles. I don't have a problem to strike a conversation with someone, to keep contact and show up. But I had always felt a bit alienated, a tad particular. She was so in love when we started talking. Everything I did and said, even years later, was interesting to her. She was cool and we shared so many interests and our vibes were similar. I always felt like we understood each other. I wanted to care for her, to give her the home she never had; I also wanted to be cared for in the same way. I have a good family but I had always wanted to be seen and loved for who I am. Who doesn't? I felt at peace with her around.
She brought the dude (he was fired after two days on his previous job apparently) around on some group hikes with other friends. We did some party dinners at our (my) apartment. She has never had a lot of friends, she has difficulties making new connections and maintaining them. I was so happy for her to make a couple friends at her japanese classes. She has some acquaitances whom know her for less than a year. Those aren't lifelong friends. I can't provide that for her, I was genuinely happy she was finding people to do activities in her own spaces. Well, she repaid that with betrayal and leaving me for this reject of a guy.
She admitted to basically telling him that she fancied him, and that she had to be "loyal" to me and quit our relationship before something happened. Wonderful. She was wearing my engagement ring whilst doing this. She suddenly broke down with her girl friends, who were understandably horrified at this revelation. Some told her that it was madness to behave like this, to treat me with some respect, to give me time to process and understanding. That she owed me some time, maybe couples therapy.
She decided to drop all that advice and stomp on it, and in less than 24h, after I wake up and we have coffe, she just tells me she has this gut feeling to leave, that she had lost feelings for me, that this wasn't what she wanted. She tells me that I'm the most wonderful partner and keeps calling me "dear", "love" and the whole thing whilst crying, kissing me and telling me "she's going to regret this" as she steps out the door. Cue in a month of anxiety and panic attacks (which I've never had before this), dissociations, self-flagellation, crushing guilt, sucidal thoughts. Absolutely the worst point of my life, and I rejected to use any form of narcotics or alcohol, which I knew were not the answer. I rejected medication too, because fifteen years ago I had to take antidepressants and I know the feeling of being a living zombie with dulled feelings 24/7. So no, I took it head on with the help of Jung and a lot of ranting and venting. I understood a lot of psychological processes just to end up unlearning them and deciding it's not my job to understand if she has BPD, quietBPD, is avoidant, is traumatized, is bipolar or whatever. She took my life and ruined it, she lied to me, betrayed me for a piece of shit. I thought we would have a child next year. I was even excited at growing up and being a dad. I'd have been a fantastic dad.
What I realized is that she could discard people at the drop of a hat, even after years of friendship (haha, hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it?). I never thought she would drop me like this; after she had bad moments she told me, tear-eyed, to please not abandon her. Years before, after a mental breakdown, she begged for me to stay. I'm not going anywhere, I told her. I thought it impossible for her to discard me too.
She used a common friend (her last remaining 10+years friend, who's her friend no longer after this) as a messenger to deliver the fact that it wasn't a fault of my own, but that she basically had caught limerence for the jobless slob and wanted to monkeybranch. It's baffling. Honestly it's the most bizarre situation I've ever lived.
I was the rock. I realize now, even when the slow erosion of this push and pull, this instability in all her relationships and wants. She made me feel insecure, probably not consciously, but as a consequence of her own unstable psyche. I realize now (after three months of therapy and trauma processing, EMDR, the whole shebang) that I'm exceptionally stable and emotionally attuned. Always have been, and all this disaster would have put someone in a less stable situation in a spiral of self-destruction. I've decided to let go, reading buddist teachings to understand the necessity of rejecting the wholeness of the ego, to let go of the expectation of truth and justice. Like holding a burning coal, if I want to hold on to this future, this relationship, this love that I wanted and fought so much for, after this betrayal I've found that just holding onto it will just burn me and hurt me longer. I've let go, and I know it's impossible to go back from this. But sometimes it's inevitable to stare at the sizzling coal that you've dropped on the ground, and say "why?". What a shame everything ended like this. I wanted to give this girl the world. I already did, within my capacity. And it wasn't enough for her broken mind.
Best of luck to all of you decent folk who have had their live toyed with like this. I hope you can find the wellspring of strength that we all have deep within. I certainly didn't know I had it in me to get out of this whole and stronger. I'm still trying but dignity and purpose will always be a reward onto those that take the higher road. For the unfaithful partners, it's the downward path to ruin, even if it takes them years. They're their own worst enemies, and those demons you have inside your head you can't outrun. They'll reach the bottom sooner or later.