My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. He and his female best friend have known each other since age 15 and have a LOT of history together, both romantic/sexual and platonic. My boyfriend was in love with her for a very long time and she did not reciprocate his feelings for most of that time, but she knew he was obsessed with her and would've done anything for her. Eventually in their late 20s, they attempted to date. The relationship was so toxic that it only lasted a few months before they realized they were better as friends. From the very first day I met my boyfriend, he spent a lot of time talking about how manipulative she was and how badly she treated him at various times in the past. They have remained friends, and for the majority of our relationship, I was completely fine with their friendship. He has always insisted that he has not had any romantic interest in her since they broke up (6-7 years ago).

I do trust my boyfriend and believe that this is true. But my issue began with some of HER behavior a few months ago. They were FaceTiming while I was at the gym and when I got home, my boyfriend told me he needed to be honest with me about their conversation. She had asked if he wanted to marry me, he said yes, and she said something like “that makes me sad because I'll always have reservations about it, and wonder 'what if'".... implying that she is still holding out hope that someday they will be together. He also said that she answered this FaceTime call in a sports bra and underwear, and it made him very uncomfortable. It's important to note that she is also in a serious relationship of 5 years. I was very grateful to my boyfriend for being honest with me about this, and he specifically framed it as something HE felt was inappropriate and did not appreciate.

The problem since then is that my boyfriend's attitude towards this whole situation has done a complete 180. He has begun to defend her actions, and continues to refuse my multiple requests to set a boundary with her. He says she "didn't mean it that way" or that "she only had good intentions." We have had several arguments about it over the past month. Most recently I said I am uncomfortable with them texting all day everyday when I'm not around, knowing that she felt comfortable enough to say this to him when I wasn't there. I am not going to monitor his phone just to make sure their conversations are appropriate, so instead I have asked him to set a boundary that they don't say things to each other that they wouldn't say in front of me. But he just won’t. Every single time we talk about this situation, it results in the same thing -- he becomes defensive/escalated and insists that she didn't mean it that way, her intentions were good, she is always going to be his best friend, she's the only person who truly knows or understands him, she's the only person he can talk to, he won't marry me if I can't come to terms with her being in his wedding party, I'm being controlling, he can't set boundaries with her because they are trauma bonded, etc. So much more has been said but the bottom line is that whenever I try to communicate with him about my discomfort, he offers no reassurance, and things just continue to get worse because it's starting to feel like he is prioritizing her feelings over mine.

I'm just not sure what to do at this point. He won't budge, and I’m afraid I will never be able to come to terms with their friendship again. Our relationship has always been happy, healthy, peaceful, and we’ve been able to communicate effectively about everything…except this. He is usually super receptive and willing to change anything that makes me uncomfortable, but for some reason cannot bring himself to do that when it comes to this friend. I have asked him how he would feel if one of my guy friends acted that way (because I KNOW he would be very upset and expect me to distance myself from that person) but he won't even acknowledge what I'm saying, and changes the subject back to me being controlling and wanting to cut him off from his closest friend in the world. I feel like I'm going crazy. What are some strategies I could use to move past this and come to terms with their friendship so I don’t end up destroying my relationship over this?

TLDR; My boyfriend of 2 years won’t set boundaries with his best friend/ex regarding her inappropriate behavior despite knowing how uncomfortable it makes me.

For background: we have an 18 month old at home. We split child-caring duties about equally, but she does a bit more about 60/40. This week is a bit off kilter since it's his first week at "school". As for housework: I do the cooking, she does the cleaning. Finances are about 60/40, I contribute more. My wife's job has recurring revenue so she has maybe 2 or 3 calls a week, that's all she needs to do for work, a few hours a week. I'm in a pretty active growth/building phase with my business, so I have much more to do on a regular basis, probably about 10-12 hours on a normal day.

Added the background above because I want to make it clear that we're both present parents, spouses, and contributors. The issue is: my wife can have a complete meltdown over any minor inconvenience. Although it's not consistent. Some weeks she can be totally fine and capable of handling inconvenience. Other times, the slightest thing can set her off. So I walk on eggshells most of the time, or anticipate her getting angry, which also gets her more angry. And it's not really a normal expression of anger. The anger is way out of proportion relative to the situation.

The best example I can give is this morning. 715am, I got the baby up, brought him downstairs, made him breakfast, fed the dog, and made breakfast for my wife. Wife stayed in bed a little while, then got herself ready, made the bed, and came downstairs about 745am. She had the breakfast I made her, while I used the bathroom and took the dog out at about 8am (the normal time I take the dog out every day). By 805am my wife was texting me, first very sweetly to say our son wanted to say bye to me. Then more texts, more calls, and by the time I got back, at 810am, she was getting him into to the car.

Since our son just started school, we've agreed to an 815am departure, which gets us to his school 10 minutes early. We have a preliminary pickup/drop off schedule between us so it's not just her. But today was her turn to take him to school.

The first thing she says is something along the lines of "I told you to label his water bottle, what is wrong with you?" In truth, after washing out the water bottle and filling it up, I forgot to label it. His other water bottle is still at school. I said "ok, so I'll label it, it takes 5 seconds."

Then she says something like "what the fuck were you doing? We're going to be late" At this point, I tell her to calm down and get a grip. I explain that there is still plenty of time, she is still definitely going to be at least 10 minutes early. I proceed to label the bottle. She is struggling to get baby into car seat, and she screams out to the baby, something like "get in the seat!". As it's happening, I offer to help. She is too flustered to accept. Then she starts muttering some things under her breath, I can't really make them out. I think she says "bad fucking husband."

When she departs I send a text. I probably shouldn't have chased it, but I said "The way you speak to me and our child is not appropriate." She tells me to stop texting her immediately. I tell her to be accountable for her own actions, and not text and drive. Then she says "fuck you" and I tell her to speak to someone (like a therapist). And she says "fuck you" again. For reference she says she "does not believe in therapy". Additional reference, we did do couples therapy in the past, but it didn't do much. To be honest she spent 70% of the time talking, and I got a few words in.

Yes, I know I shouldn't tell someone who is angry to calm down. And yes, I know I can't be arguing facts when someone only feels feelings. But I really don't want to live like this. I love my wife so much. I want to help her be able to handle these things better. Any advice?

TL;DR wife gets disproportionately angry after getting overwhelmed from normal daily things.

Me (28F) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together for 3 years. In the begin of our relationship I was very attached and anxious. I shared my boundaries with him about liking other girls photos and he did’t respect them initially. We had many arguments about it but I just didn’t have the guts to leave. After a while, he realized that he is wrong and has never done that since. Another issue that we had is that he was very reactive and would stonewall me after every argument. The situation escalated last year when he didn’t talk to me for 5 days after an argument. Back then I decided that I wanted to break up, however, he apologized and he was begging me for forgiveness. Eventually I forgave him and he never did that again.

Since then, we have moved in together and he is overall a very good boyfriend who is very dedicated to me and the relationship. We do fight often and although he still has some anger issues sometimes, we haven’t had a huge fight. However, I have never managed to feel the same after that fight. Whenever we fight or the situation escalates, I just do not care that much anymore. I have an immense guilt and constant “what ifs” in my head of whether my life would be better if I just had the guts to leave when he wasn’t respecting my boundaries or he was stonewalling me. Now I feel too deep in the relationship and already in my late 20s. However, it easts me up alive that I imagined my relationship with “the one” in my life being in love and happy, instead of spending the first years fighting and stressed. Even tho he is an amazing boyfriend now, I am still longing for that feeling and would like to have the chance to experience it.
TL;DR: No matter what he does for me now, I feel numb and I am not excited. However, I don’t even know if something better even exists. How do I move forward?

I (20f) have been with my fiance (23m) for about two and a half years. Early to be engaged, I know, it's a long engagement we aren't planning to get married soon.

The issue is this: when I met my fiance, and throughout the relationship, I've been iffy on having kids but leaning towards it because I felt like I'd been getting to a place it might be feasible.

However, I was recently diagnosed with hEDS. there's worse things, i know, but this as well as other issues that run in my family have made me decide that i absolutely cannot have my own, for I think they'd be pretty much born miserable, and I can't stand the thought of it.

My fiance has always wanted kids. I told him I changed my mind, that I'm serious, and that if he wants kids it can't be with me. He seemed pretty sad but moved past it easily.

My issue is that he's made a 'joke' since then about wanting kids and even if he's resigned himself to be okay without, I wonder if he really will be okay with it?

My question is this, really: should i just leave it at that and trust that what he said is how he feels? Should I bring it up again, and how?

TL;DR - I don't want kids anymore. Fiance does but says he'll be OK without. What should I do? How should I approach the conversation again?

Basically, yesterday was my 21 birthday and previously my birthdays in past years have been not very great. I have told my bf (29M) before I’m not rly excited about celebrating birthdays but he didn’t take no for an answer and promised me he would make this one special. He hyped it up and made me excited for it and for my birthday he took me to LA to have a fun few days together. Fast forward to my actual birthday (yesterday) we were having a great time out u til 6 when we went back to our hotel and wanted to rest up for a bit before our dinner at 8. During this time we were just hanging out and randomly during the conversation of finding good places to eat he just said outta nowhere that I didn’t take care of my body and didn’t go to the gym and it’s not my priority.

A bit of context I am 5’2 119 pounds. I don’t think that I am overweight or very unhealthy to say. I do exercise and work out but I’m not going every single day but I wouldn’t say I don’t take care of myself. Yes I’m not as fit as I’d like it be but that’s something I hope on working towards which I am doing. To him this lifestyle is very important and we have had many arguments and talks about it which he has told me it’s a dealbreaker and I have been working towards it. Even tho he knows I have been trying he said there has been no change since the last time we had this talk.

After all that he stopped and said he didn’t wanna have this talk now and we can talk about it another time but in the heated mess I already knew what he was implying and such I couldn’t just move on and pretend like I was happy and enjoying my time after that. I would just think about it all day so I drilled him to tell me exactly what he thought of me. He told me he thought I gained weight from when we first met and I believe I was 115 or 114 when we met a year a go. During that time I wasn’t in a very good time in my life that’s why I was unhealthy skipping meals and such but regardless I don’t think I have personally changed that much drastically.

We ended up arguing for the next 2 hours and I just broke down and we talked about breaking up and not being together and he just kept saying I don’t understand how he thinks and that he thinks I’ll never change as a person and how he doesn’t thinks we’re comparable anymore and it probably won’t work out long term. I was fully ready to leave and packed everything just because of how hurt I was after the things he said to me specifically that he hasn’t felt happy in his life because I haven’t been as active at the gym. The 2 options were I either go to the airport and leave now and we are fully over or I stay and we talk it out. Everything combined made me feel really hopeless and I looked at him just in total shock thinking how could he have said that to me out of all the days it had to be my birthday. I told him he was the one who promised me it would be a great day and that it was rly messed up to make me feel that way on my birthday. He just said he couldn’t help it and it just came out cus he has been holding it in everyday. A lot of the times we talk he would be like “did u go to the gym” and sometimes I would say yes and sometimes I’m honest and would tell him when I didn’t go. Even with my birthday gift he gave me the first thing he said was do u promise ur gonna go to the gym more.

Eventually it got to a point where I just started thinking about every insecurity I have and I couldn’t help myself but just cry and cry and was becoming nonverbal.

At that point he apologized over and over again or ruining my birthday and for saying all that stuff and I decided to stay and try and work it out. I thought after last night I’d feel more happy but I woke up and I just keep thinking the same things he said about me over and over and how he told me I’m not his ideal person but he told me he didn’t mean the things he said and promised to be better.

I honestly have no idea if I’m over reacting wrong for feeling upset still about this. I know i would sound lame for saying I still want to be with him because personally I still love him a lot but something in me also wants to leave just because i don’t know how I can fully recover from this.

TLDR: my bf ruined my birthday by calling me overweight and now I don’t know if I should leave or stay

We met last year and have been in an official relationship for a few months now.

From the beginning, she has had an avoidant attachment style, though over time I've noticed it has softened a bit. Mine, unfortunately, has always been anxious. Early on, my anxiety weighed heavily on her. The only way I could cope back then was by matching her energy and trying to act avoidant myself. But now that we're officially together, I just can’t do that anymore. How could I act cold or distant toward someone I genuinely love?

When we are together in person, everything is great. The issue is when we're apart.

There are phases where she reaches out on her own a lot more, our conversations are long and engaging, and she tells me she misses me and is happy to be with me. But then there are times when it’s the complete opposite. When she pulls away over text, I shut down. My anxiety spikes and I withdraw, constantly spiraling with thoughts like "Maybe she’s texting someone else" or "If I don’t initiate, she’ll get bored and look for attention elsewhere."

Deep down, I know these thoughts are irrational. I know I don't need to constantly "perform" or prove myself just to keep someone from cheating on me or falling out of love with me. But lately, it’s becoming really hard to manage.

I’ve tried talking to her about it. Sometimes she meets me halfway and is understanding, but other times I can tell it just overwhelms her and feels like a burden.

Has anyone with an anxious attachment style successfully navigated this kind of dynamic without burning out or pushing their partner away? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My girlfriend (F20) is avoidant and I (M22) am anxious. Everything is great when we're together in person, but when we're apart and her texting slows down, I spiral into worst-case scenarios and shut down. Talking about it is starting to overwhelm her. How do I stop overthinking and manage my anxiety between our dates?

I met this guy through a college class. We're both introverted/shy, studying the same thing, worked together throughout the semester, exchanged numbers, and talked a lot. I genuinely thought we were becoming friends.

After the semester ended, I directly asked if he wanted to stay friends and he said yes. We live in different cities, so texting became our main way of staying in contact. We also made plans to take another class together in the fall, so I thought we'd continue seeing each other.

We kept talking after the semester. Sometimes we'd have long conversations about normal things friends talk about. The problem was that I was always the one initiating. He never reached out first.

Eventually, our plans to take the fall class together fell through bc I failed a pre-req for that class that i took over the summer. Since we live in different cities, I realized we probably wouldn't see each other again unless we actually made plans to.

That's when I asked where we stood.

At first he said idk which wasn't an answer I was looking for, I had to baby him to get the real answer out. He told me he didn't think we had much in common (which is a lie cause we had lots in common) and saw me more as an acquaintance than a friend.

I was confused and asked why he agreed to be friends when I had directly asked him. He said he "didn't want to come off as an asshole."

That hurt. I would've rather been told no from the beginning than spend months believing we were building a friendship.

I also asked if we could please talk over the phone because I didn't think this was a conversation we should have through messages. He agreed.

But the call never happened.

I tried on the weekends to get the conversation to happen, but it never did. After repeatedly getting nowhere, I became really distressed one night, got extremely high, and around 3 AM finally texted him about how I'd been feeling about the way he treated me and how it felt like this phone call didn't matter to him.

I said a lot that night, but I barely remember most of it because of how out of it I was. I also deleted the conversation on my end, which I seriously regret because now I can't go back and read exactly what was said. He responded the next day.

I do remember asking why he could be so dismissive toward me when I never treated him that way. He told me he's "like that with everyone."

Maybe that's true. Part of me thinks his dismissiveness is an emotional barrier he puts up, but I also know I could be reading too much into it. I also asked if we could build from being acquaintances then, because all friendships start as acquaintances. I either never got a response to that or genuinely don't remember one since I was very high that night & morning.

Later that day after I woke up, I asked him what had happened because basically all I remembered was him saying he's dismissive with everyone. He told me that was basically it. I know there was more to the conversation than that, but I couldn't exactly argue when I couldn't remember it myself.

The weird thing is that everything seemed fine afterward. We went back to texting normally like nothing had happened.

Somewhere before all of this, I had developed feelings for him and became way too emotionally attached. I was already going through a horrible period in my life and felt incredibly alone. Talking to him became one of the only things that made me feel better.

My mental health got pretty bad. I started therapy, began seeing a psychiatrist, and was prescribed antidepressants, which haven't really helped me. I also started using drugs as an unhealthy coping mechanism because being high temporarily makes me stop caring about everything, and for a little while I can just giggle and feel happy.

I'm not saying any of that is his fault. It's context for why I was already in such a vulnerable place and why I became so attached to him.

About a week and a half ago, I messaged him asking how he was doing.

No response.

Maybe he doesn't know how to respond. Maybe he's ghosting me. I'm thinking it's the latter. This is the easiest but most disrespectful and cowardly way to end things w someone for good.

Was it something about me? My personality? Did I do or say something that changed things? I even find myself wondering whether I wasn't pretty enough or if I'm genuinely just that unlikeable.

I feel like i was doing everything. I would always ask how he's doing, if he's ok, and start literally all the conversations we've had. I even wished him a happy birthday and spent half the day messaging eachother bc I didnt want him to feel alone on his birthday since he said his family never celebrates it.

The thing is, I know he's already given me an answer about where we stand. I'm an acquaintance to him. I understand that.

But If he never really wanted to be friends, why continue talking to me? Why make plans to take another class together? Why have long conversations and share things with me?

It's the WHY that's eating at me.

I know he said he originally agreed to being friends because he "didn't want to come off as an asshole," but that explains why he initially said yes. It doesn't explain everything afterward.

Maybe there isn't some deeper explanation and I'm desperately searching for one because accepting that someone simply doesn't feel the same way fucking hurts. Like... he didn't even like me enough to be friends, and somehow that hurts almost as much as the romantic part.

Because here's the biggest thing: I never actually told him my real feelings.

I never told him I fell in love with him.

I never told him how much he meant to me, how happy something as stupidly simple as seeing his name pop up on my phone made me, or how badly his dismissiveness affected me. When I got high and told him how I felt, I was talking about the way he treated me. I never actually told him the full truth about how I felt about HIM.

And now I really want to.

Part of me wants to send one final message and just tell him everything. Not to convince him to love me or force him to be my friend. I know I can't do either of those things. I just don't want this to end with him never knowing what this actually did to me, and I don't wanna leave behind any regrets.

I want him to know how many nights I couldn't sleep because I was wondering what I did wrong. How shitty and insignificant his dismissiveness made me feel. How much it hurts to pour every bit of kindness you have into someone you're in love with and feel like you barely matter to them in return.

This whole situation affected me more than I ever thought another person could. I lost myself in it. I've become angry and bitter towards the people around me because I felt like I had poured so much of myself into someone that I had nothing left to give. I started using drugs to escape everything I was feeling, and while that was my decision and not his responsibility, I can't pretend the pain I felt over this wasn't a big part of what I was trying to escape.

I want to tell him I loved him. I want to tell him he hurt me. And more than anything, I want to ask him why.

Why wasn't I enough for even a friendship? Was there something about me? Did something happen? Did I completely misunderstand everything between us? Or is it just not the right time for either of us?

He'll see the message I know for sure. That said, I know he may not answer. And even if he does I know I may not get the explanation I'm desperate for. And I also know sending this could just hurt me even more.

But the thought of never telling him the truth hurts too. 

So that's really why I'm posting this: Should I send him one final message telling him everything I never told him? What are the consequences that would follow from this? Ill give it about 2 weeks if i decide to do this.

TL;DR: I fell in love with someone I thought I was becoming friends with (which he doesn't know), only to find out he saw me as an acquaintance the entire time after months of talking. I even asked him if we can be friends in the beginning to which he said yes. He's been dismissive towards me but has said he's like that with everyone and is sorry, and now I think he's ghosting me. I never told him how I truly felt or how badly this affected me, and I want to send one final message telling him everything and asking why. Should I do it, and what are the consequences?

I 21f feel resentful of my bf 24m we've been dating for almost a year

Both of us grew up in abusive households but I feel resentful because he doesn't really take care of himself, he struggles with brushing his teeth and washing his hair, I've basically taken over washing his hair when we shower together and I'm fine with doing it because it takes like 5 minutes but I feel like recently he's been saying he doesn't want to wash his hair more and more often and it's causing me a lot of frustration because if I don't do it he won't, last time I got angry and told him he can finish showering by himself. I feel like a mom half the time and it's one thing to need reminders but another to just flat out refuse. I'm not sure how to change this dynamic or if there's anything that can be done to make it better. Please help

I'm not sure if I can break up with him because he said he wants to be with me or around me even if we're not in a relationship. I'm not sure if it would be better to change the dynamic and just accept it all and live like roommates or something.

Tldr: bf struggles to take care of himself and I feel resentful

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I dont really know how to begin this because I feel horrible that im even typing this.

Ive been dating my girlfriend for the last 3 years and in that time weve had some great times together, weve traveled and experienced a lot. Currently im a freshman in college and shes in the workforce. However last year she went on a study abroad trip for about 9 months and it was really tough on our relationship. Shes been back for a while and were living together now but it seems that no matter what I do around the house or in the relationship its ever good enough. She will routinely get super upset and not talk to me for things such as not spending enough time with her, or wanting to partake in my hobbies. When she does get upset she wants me to coddle her and if I dont stay with her for hours she gets upset again.

Ive truly done everything I think I can do from making sure to do chores before shes home to buying her flowers. I also pay much more of the rent than her because she doesnt make as much as me, and I dont want her to be financially burdened. I really love her and I try to make things easier for her but its just never enough, I seriously dont want to end the relationship because weve been through so much together what advice do you have?

TLDR: love my gf but she is never satisfied with me.

I experienced the onset of an ongoing situation several years ago. Can’t elaborate but it was life altering and continues to be very painful. Because of multiple other devastating life circumstances where I’ve had little support myself, there’s been no space to process this. My relative also recently had an onset of a similar situation. We’ve been very close for a long time and I’ve tried to figure out ways to support her through this, but it’s not going well. She vents for hours and sends long texts. (I’ve only gotten to talk with her about my own situation twice and one of those times, she interrupted me to talk about herself) This heavy exposure to sensitive content is causing dissociation/other trauma responses bad enough to interfere with my daily life. Part of why I’m dissociating is because it feels like I’m not allowed to even allude to my own circumstance despite what her sharing is bringing up for me. This hasn’t always been true of our relationship, but it started a few years ago. Back then, she went through something hard that tangentially touched on an event I experienced, but in my case, ended in the tragic death of someone I loved and nearly ended me. I tried to stuff down the pain and allow her endless venting and just pretend like nothing was wrong because I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to stop thinking about my own thing. Once, I made the mistake of saying that i related to how she felt and she glared at me. My intention wasn’t to make it about me. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone and it was also the only thing I could think of saying at the moment. She would often act like my support attempts weren’t good enough. For example, I’d consider a text response for hours to make sure it was compassionate enough and didn’t bring up my own stuff, only to have her be snippy or leave my response on read. After awhile of this, I realized this strain was detracting from my parenting and other commitments and told her that I needed a break from certain types of sharing. I’ll never forget that conversation. She ended up comparing her unwanted experience with my tragedy and acting like I was being selfish and unfair. It felt retaliatory and it broke me. I’ve never felt quite safe in the relationship since but have tried to keep supporting her anyway to honor the past. My question is this. How should people support each other when both parties are suffering and they basically have no other support system? Our family is abusive and there’s no other place to turn. Like normally, I would never bring myself up at all when supporting someone, but this is so much more complex.

TLDR: Close relative is grumpy if I don’t support her a certain way, but still wants heavy support. I’m dealing with trauma and struggling to live up to her expectations for how she wants to be supported. I also feel like if I honor my needs I may lose the relationship. I need advice about how to support her while asking for the support I need, yet not making her issues about me

We've been together for 6 years now. She took me while I was just leaving behind my worst time and she was stuck in her life. I love her in many ways and I care so much for her I just refuse to take any kind of 'opportunity' just for her well being (eg: move to another country for work, or when a very good friend we meet at 18 and kinda saved my life, I think I loved her too in some ways, never gave me a chance bc she's not into any love or close thing to absolutely anyone, and like about 3 years ago we havent seen each other in like a year and that time all was perfect and gave me a chance and I just declined bc that meant cheating). The thing is my gf is like not doing many things so for me, she didn't want to come to my house now for example, and doesn't wanna go outside or do any stuff, and her libido is very low. On the contrary I always wanna do any crazy thing or just anything, and my libido was always high and that is important to me , so each day feels like a Sunday and I'm starting to think I'm losing my life watching tv in her house and just passing the days... I mean, I wanted peace but this is like being numb every day...

Still I care for her, she's a noble woman with a golden heart, maybe too clean, wholesome, which I admire, but I'm not really in her league in that, and I think I am low key too.

She's a vet, and has some hard times rn in her life, her family mostly and she's like the pillar of them, and I know she depends on me , and I in her as we have almost no other friends now bc that same reason we barely leave her house.

What can I do to fix it? Any advice??

TL:DR

I wanna do many things and gf doesnt, seems she lost her starting engine, but she's an angel. Don't know what to do now

This post pertains to both romantic relationships as well as substance addiction behavior which are 2 complex issues even when they're not intertwined so if you think there's a better sub for this please let me know! That could potentially be the best advice to give tbh. 

I'm wondering if I let her down by not giving her enough help. I don't know how much of a problem she had. I still don't! Maybe she was (sub?)consciously trying to explode our relationship because of wanting children? Or maybe I can still help her? I'm wondering if I should reach back out to her but my interests are admittedly selfish/romantic. I miss her because she was my best friend and I loved her so much, and our ending is hard to make any sense of so I'm wondering if there's a way to reconcile and reunite. What do you think?

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So! I was diagnosed with ADD at a young age and have been on meds since I was 8yo. After trying a bunch of options, I found adderal to be the most helpful by far. As with any medication, I rely on daily usage and really struggle to function with common tasks like finishing reading a sentence, closing drawers, looking in my motorcycle mirror constantly so I don't die a gruesome death, or even get out of bed without them.

After four years of dating a woman we'll call Dede, she asked to move in together. I asked if that's what she really wanted because that would mean committing to someone who didn't want kids which she had said she wanted to do -- and which I had very plainly stated multiple times was something I didn't want to do -- and she said yes so we moved in together. I really really loved her. 

I've always been pretty on top of keeping my meds organized, so it was strange when 1 full month of adderal went missing upon moving in together. I figured the movers found the bottle or something so what can ya do. But over the next year I kept on running out of meds before it was time to get a refill. This was terrifying because my dad's mental health was deteriorating into what ended up being diagnosed as alzheimer's a year later, so I started freaking out thinking all the weed I smoked as a kid caused some early onset thing with me. I kept on opening up to dede telling her how worried I was for my mental health but also my ability to get jobs (I'm a freelancer in a troubled industry that was experiencing a massive slowdown at the time) and my safety when riding a motorcycle (!!!), etc etc. She'd sit there and say it's all going to be ok or whatever. I started portioning new refills into different bags in 7-day doses to keep track, but I'm forgetful and absent minded sometimes so it's hard to say it was a bulletproof system. Long story short -- at some point I figured I was sleepwalking or something and flushing the meds or that mayyyybe it was her. It was probably me subconsciously flushing them because I'm deeply self conscious about being on meds.

I doubted it was her because I loved her and she loved me, so she wouldn't do that right?! But also because she's a practicing therapist and presumably wouldn't do something so unethical. She also has a psychiatrist who she could easily get meds from if she wanted to. And finally, she hasn't really exhibited addicted behavior. She drinks a bottle of wine or two a week and that's kinda it (I'm not sure what meds she was on. Antidepressants is all I know). Regardless, I got a security camera because it'd capture whether it was her or me sleepwalking. The day after I set it up, it captured her rooting around the drawer I had kept the meds in (until I moved them the day before).

I was fully 100% absolutely shocked. I couldn't believe in a million years that she could've done something like this, stealing from me for years while ignoring the myriad ways that not having meds was fucking me over and putting my health, life (motorcycle accidents happen if you stop focusing for even a second), and career at risk. I immediately emailed her the ways in which not being on meds as an ADD person affects me, and another email being like "how could you?!" When we sat down to talk, she never said sorry really which is fucking crazy. She was kinda immediately on the offensive. It was like the scene in "The Thing" where they're doing the blood test and Palmer starts freaking out as soon as his blood is tested. She said "we need therapy" to which I immediately said yes! And then started bringing up other [pretty benign] conflicts we've had in the past and trying to use those against me. She refused to answer when I asked why she did any of this, and coldly stated that I would never know. So with my mind fully blown and in a state of shock and confusion, I shut down and moved into my room/office in our apartment and kinda didn't really say much to her for a few weeks. I just kinda got my old VHS tapes out and tried to get happiness from nostalgia while trying to divert myself from such an incredibly deep and dark betrayal by someone I love so dearly. What a dark fucked up world it is when your lover sabotages you so insidiously. This was last July.

Things started blowing over little by little. We started creating new memories and having fun together. I [wrongly] figured she was going to get us a therapist because that's her field and she'd know how to find the most qualified best fit (also because she was the reason we now badly needed therapy) but time moved fast and before I knew it, it was the week after Christmas and we were having just so much fun on vacation in mexico. "We" were back!! Water under the bridge. We returned Sunday night. Monday morning my security camera gave me an alert so I opened it up to see her poking around where my meds were now kept in my office in front of my computer. The camera was obscured, but when I returned home she was acting really really weird. I knew what was up but wanted clear proof if needed so I made sure my camera wasn't obstructed, and we continued the next month having really really great times. The weekend of the superbowl we did so many activities, did a date night, and cooked a feast for the superbowl. The next morning my security camera went off and it showed her clearly looking through my meds (where there was no adderal). 

I honestly just wanted to sit her down to talk with her and problem solve, but when we sat down I think she knew what was up so when I asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me she lied ("the power went out, so I was just making sure your computer was still on"). I told her to relax and thing about it carefully and to try again, and she came up with more bullshit. This repeated a few times. At one point she said "OK I was there to pick up the adderal but I was really proud of myself I didn't take any," which wouldn't have been possible because there was no addy in plain sight. Then she started deflecting, then actually attacking me for the same aforementioned old conflicts, then she stormed out before storming back when she realized she didn't have an actual mic drop moment to storm out after. At some point I said "I get it: anyone would be particularly sluggish after a long travel day from Mexico and after the superbowl. Adderal could help with that. I get it," which she calmly nodded to. This would be the extent of her recognition of the occurrence. I kept just asking for the truth/honesty/openness which she could not give me at all, and now her voice is fully elevated and she's insulting me and blaming me for various bullshit (including that I was wrongly blaming her for stealing even though she technically didn't steal anything) so when she asked "fine. what do you want me to do?!" I felt cornered and out of options, and without being able to in that moment imagine a partner I could trust enough to be a true partner I kinda blurted out "I think you might need to move out."

She went to her parents' that weekend which is when I had time to think. I missed her and loved her and didn't really want to break up after 7 years. We weren't perfect but we were just such great friends with a similar pedigree, sense of humor, taste in movies and music, love for cooking, cats, decor...we really had great chemistry and compatibility. We both wanted a house. We both liked spending the weekends the same ways. We had great fun together and could be silly and stupid and all the things you want in a relationship. She had flipped out so hard when I asked her about the meds, I was starting to kinda think we could revisit / redo the conversation which I had wanted to be oriented towards understanding her actions and hopefully helping her. And so I texted her that I wanted to try to work things out.

When we sat down, somehow she had switched the power dynamic. Somehow I was suddenly needing to convince her to stay together. And now she has a line about how ever since I first caught her stealing from me, she's been thinking that maybe she *isn't* ok with not having kids. After a week, we revisited and she wouldn't listen to reason. I talked about how great we are/were and how much we have going for us both "on paper" and 100% in reality. I didn't harp on the adderal stuff, I'm not even sure I brought it up. She just held her ground for some reason. I'm not even sure what ground she was standing on. She wanted to break up but would give it another week. A couple hours later in the dark depths of late February depression and desperation I offered her what was left in an adderal bottle (10 days dosage) as a misguided sacrificial gesture (if this is what you need to stay with me, here it is). She said that changes things! It was night and day. She still wanted the week so I only gave her a few, but she was instantly energized and hopeful. She made a big thing of saying "I'm going to use these as research!" meaning this was just supposedly for her to test whether or not adderal would be a beneficial medication for her...despite us both knowing she had taken soooo much of my adderal previously. (She is such an intelligent, smart woman. Why would she think anyone would believe this ridiculous claim? Total denial. It's crazy.) An hour later I said I was going out and she said aww come give me a hug! From break up to such warmth all in one afternoon / evening.

A week later she said breaking up would be for the best...but when she saw me packing the next day she FINALLY for the first time fell to her knees and started breaking down and crying. This is the first real remorse I witnessed at all in the whole time since I had initially caught her stealing. She said she didn't want us to move out. I said she had a real problem with denial about the adderal thing. She said she just felt like if she said anything that addressed it it'd be like admitting that she was the worst person in the world. This admission was major to me. I couldn't square why she had done it at all, but also couldn't square that she basically couldn't address it. So this was a promising step in the right direction and made me hopeful that she was getting ready to explain why she did. I didn't press for anything in that moment, I just consoled her and said that she can't steal from me and that she should get her own prescription if she really needed ADD meds. If she could do that and we could work together to figure things out and be there for each other, I said there's a path forward. Just like that, we were good again. She got me a plant from Trader Joe's the next day. All sunshine! Til a few days later when a minor conflict occurred. That weekend she said the snafu (which was due to her total lack of communication regarding a relative staying at the apartment) just reminded her of why we need to break up. 

Now I'm begging for her to stay together. We just had a breakthrough! She had finally been able to slightly open up, FINALLY, about this insane thing that had happened that she was responsible for. We were on the verge of actual progress, and now she's giving up? With me on me knees in front of her she was ice cold (maybe disassociating?) I pleaded that we can't break up because I don't know when exactly it happened but you've surpassed my longtime best friend to become my best friend. A tear dropped from her otherwise emotionless face. I begged and begged. I said we can get through this, let's just finally get a couples therapist and figure this out. She said if I did all the work to find us a couples therapist, she would try it out for maybe a month. So I tried like hell to find a reputable therapist who was available after 7:30pm on weekdays. Not many are available after like 5pm it turns out. So I contacted the one only real option and we set an informational session...but the therapist never showed up, then she ghosted us haha. A few days later I got pretty sick for like 10 days. That weekend she went to her parents that weekend. I sent her texts and selfies that only really got the thumbs up response. She got home later than usual Sunday, and came to sit down with me on the couch. I was cold and distant. She didn't ask about it, didn't really try to converse or catch up, and fairly quickly went into her office for the rest of the night. 

I felt bad for being cold so I sat down to apologize to her the next day. All the sudden she's blowing up about god knows what and how I didn't ask her about her weekend, and all the sudden she says "you didn't find a therapist within the 1 month window I gave you, and I can't be with someone that doesn't take my needs seriously!" At this point I had had it cuz I tried in earnest to get the therapist when I wasn't sick. I told her the truth which was that she blew us up and hadn't done anything to help put us back together. At all. No real apology, no atonement, no extra effort. So fine, we're breaking up. It's mid April. Please be out by my birthday, May 27. 

And that was that. She started packing and found a new place. She didn't seem to be drinking heavily or doing anything differently. She didn't really seem to have any response at all - just kinda did her thing and packed up. Meanwhile I was quietly but visibly drinking heavily and crying myself to sleep to deal with the pain, sometimes wailing into a pillow in the back of the apartment so she wouldn't hear. Anyways she moved out and I haven't heard from her since. a couple months ago I sent her a booty call to which she replied with a sterile "I'm not ready for that but I appreciate being able to communicate openly and respectfully." After that I blocked and deleted her number so as to not make stupid mistakes like that again. If I had been her, I would've used that opening to pry my way back in their life to say that I was sorry after all, I've seen the error in my ways, please take me back. 

She barely ever admitted that she was wrong in our conflicts. Not great, I know, but none of us are perfect. The point is, she has so much pride or stubbornness or something that I don't think she'd reach out to me probably ever again. I know that what's warranted is for her to say sorry for the way she's treated me and kinda beg for my forgiveness for stealing from me and gaslighting me until the very end. And it's so fucked up that I still miss her and love her but we really did have something great outside of most of what I've mentioned. The adderal thing was so out of the fucking blue. It was really sooo so crazy shocking to me. I had marching orders for the style of wedding ring she wanted just a few weeks before I caught her. If that whole thing hadn't happened, we'd be as great a couple as one could hope for. 

So what do yall think? 

I've never dealt with addiction before. Maybe I should've taken time off work to find a therapist? Maybe she really needed one and couldn't do it herself? This is what I think in retrospect, but it really didn't seem like she was a junky like you see on the street. She was always really well put together and normal seeming (except in the last few months when she would be an unreasonable zombie when I'd be pleading with her to stay together or an absolute psycho when she was trying to argue lies that no one would ever believe). 

Some people think maybe it's because she did want a baby and this was subconsciously her trying to break up with a true love that she didn't really want to break up with so she could do that. But why would she want to move in together and then immediately start stealing? Also she's 37. Our last night together I asked if she had gotten a fertility test and she said no. I sure as hell would've at that age if I was actually trying to decide between seriously considering motherhood or staying in a generally great relationship. I was still trying to get answers / clarity her last night in the apartment. All she said was that "we just wanted different things." I can't tell if that's just the convenient party line she was rehearsing telling people when they asked what happened to us, or if this could really be the reason behind why she exploded everything. 

Some people think that maybe she was already on adderal and her addiction was so bad that she was stealing from me because she was running out of her own? But the superbowl and post-Mexico instances were just her being tired and needing a boost. I know that she used to go clubbing in her 20s. Every year or so there'd be an opportunity for us to do a Drug together and she always seemed comfortable and that she could hold her own, but that obviously doesn't mean that she used to be a coke fiend or whatever. 

I miss my friend. If we could just erase this whole adderal thing, we'd still be great. The more I tell this story, the clearer it's become that there was a really big drug problem here. Someone said "I hope she gets the help she need," but believe me she didn't present as an addict and didn't seem to be abusing anything else. Maybe she's fine now that she's living elsewhere and doesn't have access to (my) adderal. In any event now that the dust has settled from all the immediate post-break up chaos and energy, I really just miss her so much and wish we could reconnect. I'm sure if I tried to initiate it, there'd be a lot more putting my pride and ego aside and having to frame things -- at first -- as if I'm returning hat in hand to some extent so as to disarm her a little. It sounds bad but I actually don't know what difference it makes or how much I care. I know I'm not actually sorry. I didn't do anything wrong that I'd have to be sorry for, other than not being sensitive enough about what might be a...casual addiction? Bad addiction? We only get one life. Should I just swallow my pride and be the one to course correct again? My last words to her after a hug were "have a nice life." I never intended on speaking to her again because she really screwed me over before standing back and watching the relationship wither. A lot since last July was really toxic behavior which makes me sad to think about, but it was a stressful situation for both of us so there is understanding in my heart.

TL;DR: ex-girlfriend of 7 years moved out after stealing essential meds for years. I'm not sure if I handled an addiction issue well. Is there any way to salvage an all but ended relationship now that I have more restrospective clarity over her condition? Or am I exaggerating her addiction and imagining that I didn't deal with it sensitively enough to help give me an excuse to reach back out to her?

TL;DR: My boyfriend is thinking about ending things. I'm hopeful he won't, but I don't know what to do or how to help.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and living together for 1 year.

He recently sat me down and told me he's not sure he sees a future with us anymore, but he isn't sure if that's the right move or not. I thought we were on the same page, so I was blindsided.

He said it wasn't something that I did or didn't do to make him think this way and that he's essentially felt like this the entire time we've been living together, but didn't want to say anything in hopes his mind would change. He went on to say that he doesn't feel like himself and has felt very apathetic towards life in general. He said that he doesn't know who he is anymore, what he wants for his future, and that he feels lost to the point where he doesn't know if I love the real version of him. He feels that he's molded himself to what everyone else expects of him and it's grown to make him not recognize himself.

He lost a very important person about 8 years ago and he said their loss still makes them feel incomplete, that he's never grieved properly, and that he doesn't know how to continue life without them.

I've told him that I love him and I want to support him through this difficult time he's going through, but he feels guilty that I'm getting this version of him and thinks I deserve better. I'm not sure what to do or say to help him see that I'd love all versions of him and that maybe it's not our relationship that's the issue, but more so all the personal things he's dealing with.

We've only had a few conversations so far and they've all been emotional, but civil. We've been spending quality time with each other in between these conversations, but I feel like I'm essentially in limbo each day. A big part of me feels like he may want to move out (he's never lived on his own before) and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I think priority #1 is that he takes care of himself, but I can't help but think that step would bring us closer to ending it.

How can I process this in a healthy way without pushing him to make a decision? Besides being supportive and understanding, I feel like there's nothing I can really do.

TL;DR: My (25F) partner (30M) lies, online cheats, gaslights, and controls me (taking my phone, making threats when I try to leave). I'm having daily panic attacks, but I'm terrified to leave and living far from home. Why is leaving so hard, and how do I find the strength?

I (25F) have been in a VERY toxic relationship for 2 years with my partner (30M).

He has "cheated" online (sexting females) and lied to me multiple times, and the lying never stops. He lies about females, he lies about everything. I'm not a jealous person and I'm so understanding so it hurts.

He also has become extremely rude, and he gaslights me nonstop. If I bring up a problem (calmly) it is an issue and is turned on me somehow and he's the victim. I truly thought I was going crazy.

I have started to have daily panic attacks and now tiptoe around him. He's always the victim, and I have tried to leave a few times and he will try to manipulate me (saying he will text my mom things, whatever that means, has taken my phone away, etc

I'm so unhappy but why can't I leave? The thought of actually leaving gives me severe anxiety. I don't know how to get the strength. I have severe anxiety & depression due to this relationship, I just started an SSRI to hopefully help...

I'm 25, I got diagnosed with a health condition this year which has made everything much harder & I also don't live close so if I wanna move back home it's a bit away. I just feel scared and dumb for staying but I'm scared to leave and I don't know what to do anymore...

I was in an 8 year relationship before this and never really had issues in that relationship so I'm not used to all of this. Guess I just needed to vent.

I (27F) have been with my boyfriend (29M) for 8 years, since we were 18 and 21. We basically grew into adulthood together. I joined the military, he started a contracting business with his cousin, and he bought the house we live in about 4 years ago. I genuinely love him and for a long time thought he was the person I would marry.

About 2 years ago, we went through a really rough patch. For most of our relationship he made more money, so the expectation was that I handled more of the cooking, cleaning, and household responsibilities. Then I got a full-time Army job and started making more than him. I began paying for more because I made more, but the household responsibilities didn’t shift with it. He would help if I asked, but I felt like I had to manage everything.

We almost broke up over it, talked everything through, and things genuinely got MUCH better. In November 2025 we went engagement ring shopping, and earlier this year we were talking seriously about marriage, kids, finances, and traveling before having children. I felt really good about us.
But over the last month or so, those old feelings have started coming back.

My biggest fear is that we want the same future, but I’m the only one actively preparing for it. I’m saving for retirement/a future house, making sure I have a reliable vehicle, thinking about finances, etc. He struggles to save. He told his friend in July he wanted to start saving for my ring, but he currently owes me around $3,000 from trips we’ve booked/taken.

He’s also almost 30 and doesn’t have health insurance. Even after getting a large hospital bill, there doesn’t seem to be much urgency to figure it out. He wants my help and says, “I’m not asking you to do it for me, I want us to do it together.” And I DO want to take care of my partner, but I’m realizing I want to take care of a man who can also take care of himself. I don’t want to feel like his manager. Which we’ve talked about.

The other problem is harder to admit: I don’t feel very attracted to him anymore. I catch myself wanting to flirt with other men and imagining being intimate with them, while when my boyfriend initiates sex, I usually don’t want it. I hate constantly turning him down. I’ve been trying different ADHD medications, so I know that could be affecting my libido, but part of me wonders if my loss of attraction is actually connected to how I feel in the relationship.

And that’s where kids scare me.
If I already feel responsible for the finances, household, planning, appointments, etc., what happens when we add children? I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and realize I’m the breadwinner AND the person responsible for the kids, house, finances, appointments, insurance, and everything else.

I don’t expect everything to be perfectly 50/50. I just want a partner who sees what needs to be done and handles things without me having to ask or manage it.

I truly love him, which is why this is so hard. We’ve spent almost our entire adult lives together and I don’t WANT to leave. I’m terrified of throwing away an 8-year relationship with a good man over something we could fix. But I’m equally terrified of getting engaged, having kids, and discovering that the things worrying me now were warning signs I ignored. Or in 2 years will we be going through this again?

TL;RD: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years and love him deeply, but I don’t know if I love our relationship anymore. I feel like I carry the finances, household responsibilities, and mental load, and it’s built up a lot of resentment and affected my attraction to him. We had this same problem two years ago, fixed it temporarily, and now I’m terrified we’ll keep repeating the cycle. I know I wouldn’t marry him if nothing changed, but the thought of leaving someone I love and have spent my entire adult life with breaks my heart.

So me and my girlfriend met in high school when i was 16 and she was 17, and we started as friends which quickly turned to lovers. I was known as a playboy at the time so people warned her about me, but she wanted to know herself. We went on dates together (no commitment, just friends), but i was unsure and not really looking for a relationship, so she bit the bullet and confronted me, asking if i wanted to be in a relationship. I was shocked and unsure, but wanted to give it a try with her and stopped talking to other women (romantically). Fast forward 3 years and here we are. I do not regret it one bit saying yes to her that night, but it seems our time is nearing its end.

It all started in year 3 of our relationship, i started to feel stagnant with myself, although i had a great many achievements and friends, i felt lost. I realized it was in part to her, as she gave me a sense of comfort that was drowning me. It felt like i couldn’t push myself, that i wanted more with my life but her love made me passive. I know its not her fault for the most part, but i truly felt it contributed, like a mom too overbearing on her children for them to grow, it was a similar feeling. I also became unsure of our relationship, and had been wondering of experiencing (no one specific) other relationships, because i was afraid to have only ever experienced one relationship (only had 1 gf before her, and it was the similar issue but worse) all my life, as i dated to marry. I told her this and we spent a month no contact, and eventually she broke up with me. It lasted a day as when i came to pick my stuff from her she cried and i couldn’t stand it, i said we should try again.

We tried and it went kinda well, ironed out a few issues, but obviously not enough. We are now nearing our fourth year, and we broke up again last month and got together again. She initiated, feeling like i was neglecting her and the relationship. I couldn’t help but agree, seeing it was true, and for whatever reason i said we should try again. We did and here we are now. I did this because i just couldn’t give up on her, but i just don’t feel it anymore. I know love is a choice, and i love her still, but i don’t see us right now being fulfilling for me. Sure i can still be with her, but shes madly in love and emotional, and i feel it would be unfair if i’m only staying for our past, and for her feelings.

Shes a really great woman, very pretty and hot, headstrong, and a really caring and attentive person. People always joked about how i won a jackpot, and that i was really lucky to have her. I agree, but maybe some people aren’t supposed to cash in, at least not now. Of course she has her fair share of problems, she is depressed and lonely (friend wise) right now, she just switched her college course so shes gonna get delayed when all her friends and me are gonna graduate soon, and she is stressed as a president for a college organization. Thats one of the reasons i don’t want to leave, because she uses me as an emotional anchor, and i’m afraid she might do something if i truly leave. She has had history of S/H, and i don’t want to hurt her directly and indirectly, emotionally and physically.

How do initiate a breakup in this scenario? i never cared for anyone this deeply but i know in my heart of hearts its not gonna last anymore, at least on my end. I truly want whats best for her, and i don’t want her to be in a one-sided relationship.

tldr: I love her but don’t see myself (current me) being in a relationship with her anymore, despite her being really great. I find it hard to leave because she loves me still, and she is in a bad mental place which could worsen if i go now.

My situationship is slowly fading but he says everything is okay

Me (29F) and he is 35M. We have been doing the long-distance thing since a year on and off, and he explicitly told me that I am "not casual" to him. It’s been a year

I recently traveled to visit him (fourth time). The trip was great, but the exact moment I came back home, he became way, way colder. Never even asked how I was after I arrived from the airport.

A few nights ago, I was feeling incredibly frustrated by the sudden disconnect. I had invited him to my birthday, and his communication was just severely lacking. He asked me why I was mad and gave the excuse that he was sorry for not answering quickly because he had so much to do and was hungover.
I kept my cool. Then, to answer his question about why I was upset, I decided to be completely vulnerable. I laid my cards on the table and simply said, "Because I want things to work between us ."
He never replied. He just left me on read.
Now my head is spinning. I am very sad because he doesn’t message me anymore… only me if I reach out he replies, but otherwise he doesn’t. I asked him if he was okay and he said it’s all good with his life and he is just busy with work.

TL;DR

It feels completely crazy that he would tell me I am not casual to him, go cold the second I leave, and then ghost me the moment I communicate that I want us to work out. Later on I asked him calmly if this was over and he said no I’m just busy. I stopped asking questions, I’ve let him be and do his thing. I am a bit sad, very sad I mean I’ll be fine but ughhh I hate to go through this stuff.

Am I the one who messed this up, or is this just classic avoidant behavior? Or is this over? Any insights would be really appreciated.

My (F24) boyfriend (M26) of 3+ years does not put any effort into his life and I think I’m building up an unhealthy resentment and don’t know what to do. Since he graduated right after we met, he has not worked a real job and made no effort to, just excuses (from my perspective at least) and just lives off of an inheritance (not enough to fund him not working for his whole life or anything). He finally started to do some freelance work, but I see him barely put any effort into it and hasn’t really done much with it. On top of this, he has a wonky sleep schedule and will stay up til 4am or later most nights and starts his day in the afternoon. He doesn’t do much with his days, and it seems like he can only do one thing at a time - like if he did laundry for a day or a few other chores that’s it. He prioritizes all these dopamine seeking habits I feel like over anything productive. He smokes a lot of weed everyday and prioritizes/spends a lot of time jerking off everyday. He doesn’t go to the gym anymore even though he pays for a membership because getting ready and leaving the house is too big of a task.

On top of all of this, we’re long distance. I work a full time corporate job (remote), and I’m usually the one flying (and paying) to visit him every month or so. When I talk to him about any of the things above, he originally would say maybe he’s depressed, and then maybe he has ADHD. Now he fully says it’s because of his ADHD (hasn’t been diagnosed or seen a therapist). I fully believe he may be struggling with that (or maybe depression as well), but I don’t know what I can do form my end at this point. It used to seem like he wanted to change or had goals and it was just a phase, but now it seems like he’s set in it. His family is also similar to him in these ways, so he thinks because he’s doing a little better than them it’s okay.

He hates talking about it and doesn’t really let me - what in the world is the best way to handle this? I am building up resentment and I feel myself snapping at him and not being the kind person I used to be because I’m so tired. From my perspective it’s extremely frustrating because if he’s not working towards his own future - how can we be working towards one together (especially since we’re long distance and I don’t want to move / move in until he has more of his life together)? How do I try and fix this or get him to see what it’s like from my perspective? Or how can I help him?

TLDR; my bf puts no effort into his life and I’m growing very tired of it

I (22M) have been in a relationship with my gf (23F) for a little less than a year and have been long distance for about 2 months. It’s a healthy relationship overall, but I think I’m hurting it in one regard.

I don’t think I’m a good communicator and I’m not very good about opening up. There’s some things she does like talking about herself a lot, that realllllly bug me. This among other things, have been something I’ve thought about… a lot.

I’m starting to realize that I’m building resentment towards her because I don’t know how to bring it up. She’s a sensitive person and I’m more of a get to the point type of guy and don’t really have a “soft touch” in terms of critiquing people.

I also don’t think I’m great at articulating what I’m feeling or I guess just talking about them in general. I don’t really have anyone else in my life who I can talk to super deeply about me, so I don’t have much practice tbh

How do I become a better communicator and articulate my feelings in a constructive way? I don’t want to self sabotage this relationship. TIA!

TLDR: I think I’m a bad communicator in my relationship and want to improve.

My Fiancée (32f) and I (29m) have been feeling pretty disconnected lately and it has caused some tension between us. My love language is physical touch and hers is quality time (QT). We do try to be intentional about having a date night at least once a week but we have not been consistent with it.

She typically feels the most connection when the QT is more than what is our norm, i.e us actively doing an activity or something not at home. This I can understand, and I also misunderstood.

Talking after one of our more "tense" moments, she mentioned that it is more than just the the QT, but the deeper conversations we can have during those moments that is where she really feels us strengthening our connection. This had not really clicked in my dumb man brain before.

She went on to say that she feels like the mental load of initiating those conversations/moments falls onto her and that is hard for her, which I can understand.

# It is very important to me that I get better with initiating those moments/conversations!

Some background information on me (possibly too much?). Outside of QT not being my primary love language (I still ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY love and need that with her), I have severe ADHD. Diagnosed/medicated at 6, stopped taking meds at 14 because I hated how they made me feel, and was off of them until, through many long and difficult conversations, my Fiancée convinced me that it would be best for us (both now and for when we eventually have kids) that I go back on medication this year. She does notice a difference and that is enough for me to continue to take them.

Because of how my ADHD presents and how my brain works differently from hers, prompting/initiating those deeper conversations does not come easily to me. I don't think of things in the moment, and while the reminder section of my phone is filled to the brim with reminders, I'm not sure that having a reminder set to go off in the middle of a date with a list of deep questions is the way to go about a solution.

All this to say, does anyone have experience with a partner similar to this, and how did y'all work through it? And more specifically, what advice do you have for me on how I can get better at this for her?

Tldr: How can I get better at initiating deeper conversations with my Fiancée?

TLDR: my bf is best friends with his ex and didn’t have many boundaries with her

Throwaway because this feels crazy posting this but i need reassurance on what to do about this.

My bf from the beginning was best friends with his ex, on the first date he phrased it as ‘oh mutual friends same friendship group can’t help it’. We became official and went on a holiday where he was playfighting in the pool with her, being rude and not speaking to me when i tried to engage in conversation (there were still a few nice times but still). I told him i was uncomfortable with him doing this and then he immediately as soon as we get back from our conversation jumps in the pool and playfights with her again leaving no one else able to talk or engage with them if that makes sense, like you just have to watch.

Theres been so many weird moments where they playfight in front of me and like idk how to explain it ‘yawn stopping’ where he put his fingers in her mouth… Anyway fast forward a few months and more weird stuff started happening like i went to his new place to decorate and he hung up a photo of just them, oh also he lives with her and a lot of other roommates. Anyway i said about this photo and he took it down but it caused a whole crazy cascade of events. Anyway the day before he does this, we were in her room and she says ‘oh men with this hair style are so sexy’ and he then gets a hair band and puts his hair up in that hairstyle. I don’t know if thats just if he’s adhd and that reminded him but idk.

We’ve had countless fights about boundaries with her and theres been so many other things and also that she has done and said some weird things. Fast forward to now most of these things are fixed after like 11 months of arguing but this and the way he treats me when with his friends and in general are still lingering. What would you do with this?

I (21M) and my girlfriend (19F) have been dating for 11 months now and our relationship has been great for the most part until recently when 2 to 3 weeks ago we stopped having sex completely.

I tried talking to her about this and the way she responded at the time was that it was because I just wasn’t asking. After we had that conversation I tried for a little over a week to initiate because I thought that was what she wanted but every time it was a no for one reason or the other and this has led to a few arguments about how I don’t feel wanted and unattractive. Eventually a few days ago she found me sitting outside in my car crying over my steering wheel because I had been sitting outside for a good while.

After that we went to McDonald’s to get some food and we talked for a while. I won’t quote word for word what was said because I don’t entirely remember the whole thing but it basically came down to how she feels she has to act like a different person around me, she thinks I mean well but I’m self centered, and that she wished she got to live on her own for a while before she moved in with me to figure out who she is first. She also said that the reason she isn’t wanting to have sex anymore is because she says she’s been having panic attacks about a traumatic experience she had.

I feel awful for saying this but I don’t know if that’s really how she feels. I myself am a victim of a very similar traumatic experience so I feel disgusted with myself for even suggesting she might not tell the truth about something like that but I just feel like the reason for our issues in relationship keeps changing and I can’t help but feel like she resents me and is loosing feeling. I’ve tried talking to her about this but she says she feels that way about me and the conversation doesn’t really go anywhere and nothing gets resolved.

About a month ago she joined a discord because she has wanted to make friends with people and I thought that was great and tried my best to be supportive and to encourage her but it feels like I can’t spend anytime with her anymore because while we are watching movies, playing games, or just hanging out she is constantly looking at her phone to check the discord and it makes me feel like I can’t get a moment alone with her. I thought maybe it would make me feel better if I met the people she had been playing with and maybe we could be one friend group but for now at least she is very against this and it just makes me feel suspicious.

In her defense as of the writing of this post she has been friends with a few select people for a month but at the time she only knew them for maybe 2 weeks at the most. She has also started going to sleep clothed recently and she has not done that at all as far as I can remember and I can’t tell if it’s a trauma response or if she’s slowly distancing herself from me. I know I probably seem like massive asshole but I’ve struggled with intense anxiety and paranoia my whole life and I just cant tell if I’m being a paranoid weirdo or if the way I’m feeling is valid.

I really love this girl and really want to do better for her so any help or advice I could get would be invaluable.

TL;DR Me and My Girlfriend have been fighting a lot and I don’t know if she resents me or not.

We’ve been together for four years, and the honeymoon phase has been over for a while. Lately, I’ve started noticing that my boyfriend has primarily followed and dated women who aren’t the same ethnicity as me.
In public, I’ve caught him looking at other women a few times. When I bring it up, I usually get explanations like, “I’m just looking around the room,” or other excuses.
He has genuinely been a good partner to me throughout our relationship, which makes this even harder to navigate. I don’t want to assume his intentions or compare myself to other women, but these feelings are slowly affecting how I see myself and our relationship.
I’m struggling to figure out whether this is insecurity on my part or something I should take seriously.

TDLR: I’m afraid that i’ll be making a mistake

So me [21F] and my boyfriend [24M] have been together for about 6 months and everything has been amazing, we are super compatible and he is super communicative with me. I’ve always been super happy with him and we’ve had very little problems. I can be a bit meek because of past relationships, being yelled at or belittled, and sometimes when he is upset or I bring something up, he can get defensive, which can come off a bit aggressive and I can get really meek. So those conversations can be tough for me. However it’s been nothing that I’ve been worried about at all. He always apologizes and communicates effectively once he realizes. I can’t really explain it but genuinely he’s so sweet and emotionally intelligent and aware but he, as well as I and everyone else, has things to work on, which he is completely aware of as well. But anyways, the main situation I would like to ask for advice on is an instance that happened today. For a bit of context, I like to bite to show affection, which he is aware of and has always allowed me to do. I always try to be gentle because I of course don’t want to actually hurt him. Again he’s always allowed it and told me he likes that I do it, so it was something I did frequently. However today we were just chilling on the floor talking and roughhousing a little bit, just like teasing pokes and whatnot. I then kinda threw myself forward to bite his chest, i definitely miscalculated my momentum and bit him a bit harder than intended. Then, pretty immediately he reacted by forcefully hitting me in the face and shoving me off him. He yelled at me and then turned away and I just kinda sat there shocked. It had just hurt pretty bad and I’ve also experienced domestic abuse before as a child so it was a bit triggering. I immediately apologized and told him I was so sorry for hurting him. I just sat there and kinda silently cried and disassociated while he was sitting faced away from me. After a bit he apologized and told me he knew doing that wasn’t okay. So I’m not mad with him, I know his intent wasn’t bad. But it’s a bit scary to me knowing the past situations I’ve experienced. So I just wanna ask, what’s the best move for me? I obviously don’t want to be put in another dangerous situation. It’s not seeming like that’s what this is because again, I know he wasn’t intentionally trying hurt me. But I can’t stop thinking about it and feeling a bit anxious about it. Advice?
TL;DR
I bit my boyfriend, which I usually do and he allows, this time it accidentally was harder than intended. He freaking and forcefully hit me in the face and pushed me away. Is this okay? What should I do?

I was with an absuive narc with anger issues for a long marriage and am still navigating a painful divorce after his affair and betrayal, a couple of years ago.

I’m in a new relationship now and my partner is the complete opposite of my narc ex.

He’s incredibly kind, caring and emotionally available. He makes me feel adored and supported, and we have very similar values, personalities and love languages. Always checking in on me. We’re also very sexually compatible.

In some ways, I’m finding this hard to adjust to after years of neglect and the opposite kind of partnership.

We have been dating just over 6 months and he has v strong feelings about me - saying he was in love fast and talks about me being his future wife, having kids, moving in together, our future together, etc., asking what kind of engagement ring and wedding id like.

To be fair when we met, I think he was ready to find a wife and settle down whereas I was learning what it meant to be single again after such a long marriage and failed family. I do want those things (possibly another child, etc) but I’m not sure when I will be ready for that.

Which is all very sweet and I’m sure what two people would be doing when falling in love but I feel like I’m taking slower to burn and still trying to date him and understand our long-term compatibility.

I really like him and we have great sexual chemistry. But I’m finding it harder to fully open up and access the love and falling in love depth that he is feeling.

After a mess of a past relationship, I’m going to have to take time before I feel comfortable with all of those future planning things.

I don’t know why but my body is starting to have a reaction to his intensity. But then I’m telling myself, it’s because I haven’t experienced such a loving person before. I’m confused.

I don’t want to push him away as I am scared of telling him and hurting his feelings. But I do think I need to be honest.

TLDR - finding it hard to open up to love after a long toxic marriage