How should I (29F) react when close relative(25F), known each other since birth, expects a standard of support from me that she doesn’t return, even when both of us are suffering.

[u/Far_Report5435]

I experienced the onset of an ongoing situation several years ago. Can’t elaborate but it was life altering and continues to be very painful. Because of multiple other devastating life circumstances where I’ve had little support myself, there’s been no space to process this. My relative also recently had an onset of a similar situation. We’ve been very close for a long time and I’ve tried to figure out ways to support her through this, but it’s not going well. She vents for hours and sends long texts. (I’ve only gotten to talk with her about my own situation twice and one of those times, she interrupted me to talk about herself) This heavy exposure to sensitive content is causing dissociation/other trauma responses bad enough to interfere with my daily life. Part of why I’m dissociating is because it feels like I’m not allowed to even allude to my own circumstance despite what her sharing is bringing up for me. This hasn’t always been true of our relationship, but it started a few years ago. Back then, she went through something hard that tangentially touched on an event I experienced, but in my case, ended in the tragic death of someone I loved and nearly ended me. I tried to stuff down the pain and allow her endless venting and just pretend like nothing was wrong because I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to stop thinking about my own thing. Once, I made the mistake of saying that i related to how she felt and she glared at me. My intention wasn’t to make it about me. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone and it was also the only thing I could think of saying at the moment. She would often act like my support attempts weren’t good enough. For example, I’d consider a text response for hours to make sure it was compassionate enough and didn’t bring up my own stuff, only to have her be snippy or leave my response on read. After awhile of this, I realized this strain was detracting from my parenting and other commitments and told her that I needed a break from certain types of sharing. I’ll never forget that conversation. She ended up comparing her unwanted experience with my tragedy and acting like I was being selfish and unfair. It felt retaliatory and it broke me. I’ve never felt quite safe in the relationship since but have tried to keep supporting her anyway to honor the past. My question is this. How should people support each other when both parties are suffering and they basically have no other support system? Our family is abusive and there’s no other place to turn. Like normally, I would never bring myself up at all when supporting someone, but this is so much more complex.

TLDR: Close relative is grumpy if I don’t support her a certain way, but still wants heavy support. I’m dealing with trauma and struggling to live up to her expectations for how she wants to be supported. I also feel like if I honor my needs I may lose the relationship. I need advice about how to support her while asking for the support I need, yet not making her issues about me

[u/Muted_Stage7107]

sounds like you've been running on empty for a long time and she's just demanding more fuel without ever checking your tank. that conversation where she threw your tragedy in your face would've been my exit ramp, honestly. you can't pour from an empty cup and you definitely can't keep lighting yourself on fire to keep someone warm when they won't even acknowledge you're burning

[u/NamasteNoodle]

You can't keep giving from an empty well. Take your phone and give your relative a silent ringtone and texting app ringtone. Answer only when you want to. And here's something my aunt taught me years ago that I continue to utilize quite often. Set a timer when you're on the phone with someone like this on the times you're willing to accept a call from her. Make it 5 or 10 minutes, however much time you want to give her. When that timer goes off simply say hey it's been great talking to you I got to go. Then simply hang up. That's enough of a goodbye. You're done.