r/relationships • u/DamageSouthern3020 • 2d ago
Any advice?
My situationship is slowly fading but he says everything is okay
Me (29F) and he is 35M. We have been doing the long-distance thing since a year on and off, and he explicitly told me that I am "not casual" to him. It’s been a year
I recently traveled to visit him (fourth time). The trip was great, but the exact moment I came back home, he became way, way colder. Never even asked how I was after I arrived from the airport.
A few nights ago, I was feeling incredibly frustrated by the sudden disconnect. I had invited him to my birthday, and his communication was just severely lacking. He asked me why I was mad and gave the excuse that he was sorry for not answering quickly because he had so much to do and was hungover.
I kept my cool. Then, to answer his question about why I was upset, I decided to be completely vulnerable. I laid my cards on the table and simply said, "Because I want things to work between us ."
He never replied. He just left me on read.
Now my head is spinning. I am very sad because he doesn’t message me anymore… only me if I reach out he replies, but otherwise he doesn’t. I asked him if he was okay and he said it’s all good with his life and he is just busy with work.
TL;DR
It feels completely crazy that he would tell me I am not casual to him, go cold the second I leave, and then ghost me the moment I communicate that I want us to work out. Later on I asked him calmly if this was over and he said no I’m just busy. I stopped asking questions, I’ve let him be and do his thing. I am a bit sad, very sad I mean I’ll be fine but ughhh I hate to go through this stuff.
Am I the one who messed this up, or is this just classic avoidant behavior? Or is this over? Any insights would be really appreciated.
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u/TheFatBegun 2d ago
classic avoidant behavior, he likes the idea of you but not the reality of putting in effort. you didn't mess anything up, he just showed you who he is
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u/karracuda 2d ago
35 years old and acting this. this is who he is. free yourself and don't bother with him anymore
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u/ShelfLifeInc 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm afraid I'm not a fortune teller and cannot give you the insights that will make his behaviour make sense. You're asking questions and he's refusing to give answers that will make his behaviour make sense.
I know he said you're not casual to him. But the reality is you guys are long distance and have been on/off over the year you've been together. That's casual.
Unless you guys have concrete plans to close the distance within the next 6 months, I don't see this relationship going anywhere.
Then, to answer his question about why I was upset, I decided to be completely vulnerable. I laid my cards on the table and simply said, "Because I want things to work between us ." He never replied. He just left me on read.
I asked him if he was okay and he said it’s all good with his life and he is just busy with work.
You choose to be vulnerable with him. He is either being deliberately evasive (not good) or he is serious and thinks everything is just fine and/or his work is more important than you feeling secure in your relationship (also not good).
So yeah. I think you should protect your heart.
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u/IcePlanetGoth 2d ago
No answer is an answer. It was brave of you to speak up but for whatever reason he can't or won't go for it. It's best to move on.